The cynic’s guide to online dating
I’m not fan of online dating (I’ve written about this before), but there comes a time when the water runs so dry that you know you need to do something to change your luck. And it’s with this situation that I found myself back online trying to meet some new women. Almost instantly, I remembered all of the reasons I had forbid myself from online dating. Instead of just writing about it, I thought I’d let my inner cynic out to describe my latest experience. Cynicism set at maximum.
Pay attention to the username. If there’s an adjective in the username, it’s what she wants to be not what she is. Example: SexyGrl48. I’d bet you anything that this girl is not at all sexy. Another example: HappyGwen. Dollars to donuts that Gwen is, in fact, miserable. Stay far away from anyone whose username has an attribute that you desire in a mate (i.e., pretty, sexy, hot, etc.).
Only headshots means she’s fat. People who have nothing to hide don’t hide anything. If there’s not at least a three-quarters body shot on the profile, it’s probably because she doesn’t want you to see the rest of her body. If that’s what you like, hey, go for it. I just chalk that up under “not being honest.” Right up there with posting photos from when you were in college and hot.
Multiple photos with the same angle count as one. If she looks exactly the same, same expression, same angle, in every photo despite scenery and wardrobe changes, there’s something fishy going on here. Does she only exist in one dimension? Does she think that’s her good side? Without multiple points of reference, I don’t trust that I know what she looks like.
Beware profiles with rants. I’ve come across a fair number of profiles that are essentially angry letters to the girl’s last boyfriend. If under “wants” she says something like, “A guy who doesn’t LIE or CHEAT. You guys who think you’re PLAYAS can move on to the next profile, cuz this fish ain’t bitin’. Respect your woman!” then you should definitely move on to the next profile because this girl is nursing wounds that won’t soon heal. She’s not ready to meet anyone for romantic purposes, she’s ready to meet someone to take her frustrations out on.
Girls who say they don’t want drama are usually the cause of it. If a girl says that you better not be drama, it’s because she’s already drama and doesn’t want competition.
Recently single = thinking about my ex. Never ever write to a girl who says she’s recently single, or otherwise just got out of a long-term relationship. That is, unless you like being the rebound guy that has to listen to what went wrong with her ex the entire time you know her. And deal with him still calling. And her still responding.
Obscured faces mean high opinions. A lot of guys mistakenly think that girls who post photos with obscured faces have a low opinion of their looks and are probably ugly. Actually, it’s the opposite. Usually, they think they’re really attractive and are “tired of guys hitting on them for their looks.” Except they really do think they’re good looking and love being hit on for their looks. You just don’t get to see what they look like without proving yourself first.
If there’s more than one girl in the photo, she’s not the cute one. Don’t fall for this trap.
Wing Girls Make Great Girlfriends
Maybe I’m blowing my own bubble, but I asked my boyfriend and he thinks it’s okay that I write about the wing girl-”great girlfriend” paradigm. I’ll try to be brief.
You might already know, or can easily guess, why a wing girl would make a “great” girlfriend. So, maybe this is really for all the girls out there seeking a significant other.
Here’s the short list:
- Wing girls ‘got your back– They look out for others’ benefit. It’s a pretty selfless act to speak on behalf of another in order to win the listener’s favor for someone else. That tendency for a wing girl to look out for friends is a clear indication of the girl’s altruism. That, according to the AlphaDog book, is like an alpha dog. It might not feel natural at first to do something for someone else that you would normally do for yourself– i.e., make a pickup. But once you experience the reward that comes with selfless acts, getting into a habit of looking outward isn’t far beyond.
- Wing girls just want to have fun– Lightheartedness is a key attribute men love. Ladies, if you have a hard time lightening up but you agree with this statement, maybe it’s time to get radical about whatever personal issues are holding you back from enjoying life to the fullest. Life is too short to hold onto bitterness, sorrow, or regret. Learn from life’s experiences and move on. Look around. I see young men and women regularly who lost limbs in Iraq and Afghanistan. Maybe you lost a part of your soul from a terrible incident. This doesn’t mean that you can’t get back your dignity. This is part of the balance of life. Deal with the issues, get over them, and learn to enjoy life.
- Wing girls empathize– In order for a wing girl to really help someone else, she has to understand what that person thinks or feels. She has to be in touch with that person enough to meet his or her relationship needs. That means being a good listener, putting aside personal issues or problems to focus on the other person, and making an effort to understand his or her perspective. It also means not assuming before listening what the other person thinks. Presumption is the greatest barrier to empathy. Typically, we might think of a guy to only be interested in food and football. But he has feelings too. He probably prefers not to discuss them, but he has them. Just because he has more testosterone, which has been scientifically proven to play a factor in anti-social behavior, doesn’t mean he is not affected by emotions. So, ladies, be sensitive to men. Pay some attention and try to understand where men come from.
So, ladies, if you’re wondering what you can do to increase your man magnetism, remember these three things. Be more selfless. Be lighthearted, not just when you’re having a good time, but also amidst day-to-day drudgery. Be empathetic.
And guys, it can work for you, too.
It pays to be prepared
Second date. Still not entirely sure what the mutual understanding of the crowd in regards to sex. Three dates has always been what I’ve heard, though in my life, that’s rarely happened. Seven dates? Maybe. Longer than that and you risk losing the person…or so they say. I had only been out with this girl once before, and found her incredibly sexy. Yes, I’d love to sleep with her, but she’s also a really great person and so I didn’t want to push anything. It was a second date, and I didn’t know what would happen, but I did want to be prepared.
I knew that we’d end up back at my place. The restaurant was pretty close by, and I was sure inviting her back wouldn’t be a problem. I had no “move” in mind to try to get her into the bedroom, just a little bit of hope that things might naturally lead there. You never know in these situations – even the smallest thing could derail the possibility of a hedonistic night together. No, I wasn’t going to leave anything to chance. If we made it to the bedroom, it would have to be smooth sailing to the finish line.
The first thing I did was check the condoms I had in my room. It had been a while since I last entertained a young lady there, and I wanted to make sure I was ready. Condoms have expiration dates, so always good to double-check those to be safe. Six left from the original package and not past the expiration date. Sweet. I then made sure they were within arm’s reach of the bed.
Next up, a little cleaning. I think this is a piece that guys completely miss. Few girls want to get down and dirty if your place is literally dirty. I put away the laundry, made the bed, cleared the floor. I didn’t want there to be any looks of shock or disgust when we made it there. I made sure the steps leading up to the bedroom didn’t betray any bit of disorganization – everything within eyeshot was in its place.
I worked my way backwards to the living room (my typical dumping ground for whatever I’m too lazy to put away). The coffee table was cleared of everything but a few interesting books and remote controls. Lights were dim, music was playing. The usual mess on the kitchen table was stacked into neat piles. The kitchen counter was clean and I cleaned all dishes in the sink.
The last point of focus was myself. Clean clothes and a little cologne always make a good impression. Clean underwear (no holes!) and a little looser than usual pair of pants (no one wants to struggle to get their pants off).
It’s details like this that “clear the runway” for sex. It’s not about doing things that will get her into your bedroom, necessarily; it’s about doing things to ensure there’s nothing standing in the way. As for my second date, things went great. It turns out that she had prepared in her own way, as well. But a gentleman doesn’t share such details, you’ll just have to imagine for yourself.
Honesty Would Have Been The Best Policy
It’s late . . . really late. Rachael and I are going for a late night walk. As we stop at the corner, I mention that my place is just one block away and asked if she would like to come up. She agreed, and we proceeded to my loft.
We had been seeing each other for about a month, and she revealed many details of her past and present, but hid many others. I knew about the ex-husband, and the most recent ex-boyfriend. She told me that she was in no position to make any decisions regarding her romantic life. I was fine with that, after all, we were just getting to know one another, and we were just hanging out. But, after a week or two, we were calling each other pretty much every night, and texting once or twice during the day. We were attracted to each other, and we enjoyed each other’s company.
I got her some water then we sat down to listen to some music and look through some art books. On the phone we seemed to be closer, but here, in person, it felt like the Great Wall of China separated us. What was going on? Why was everything else so comfortable, and this so uncomfortable?
About a week or two before, I had heard rumors that the ex-boyfriend was not an ex-boyfriend, so I confronted her on this issue, and she told me that, in fact, yes, this was the case, but that she wasn’t into him anymore and she was going to break up with him. I was extremely skeptical, but since we were just getting to know one another, I really didn’t feel like I was in any position to judge her. I figured I would proceed with my guard up and wait to see what developed.
It developed, all right.
We have a couple of friends in common, and last weekend, I asked one of them what the deal was. He looked at me and said, “man, you don’t even want to know, but since you asked . . . That ex-boyfriend is moving to Los Angeles soon, and Rachael is really torn up about it. I keep telling her that she really needs to work on herself before she starts dating other people, but she keeps pining for him, and dating other guys.”
Wow. Look. I try to judge no one. As far as I’m concerned it’s not how much baggage you have, it’s how you handle your baggage that matters. If she had just been honest about the situation, I could have dealt with it. She would have felt more comfortable, and I would feel more at ease with the situation, and be more prepared to handle it properly. Now as things stand, I don’t even want to deal with her anymore. I’m not angry; I’m not even hurt. I am a little disappointed, though. Why all the lying? Did she think I’d never find out? How was this not going to blow up in her face? Can you make sense of this?
Awkward mating rituals
This is a guest post contributed by Erin Whitehead. Erin is a featured writer for the online dating site onlinedatingsites.net and a comedian and improviser in Los Angeles. You can follow her on Twitter at @girlwithatail.
So I’m driving through Hollywood checking out a billboard for yet another show about beautiful people coping with terrible things, when the Mercedes in front of me gets smashed into by a classic Jaguar. I manage to brake in time and steer my little Echo over to the curb. Both parties are okay, though you can see the driver of the Jag eyeing my unscathed, dingy little car with a look of all being wrong in the world. Since I witnessed the whole thing I figure I should stay. First on the scene is a fireman. He approaches me and asks which car I was in. “Neither, I just witnessed it. Should I stay?” He smiles. “Let’s start with your name.” Oh right, witness protocol I guess. I tell him my name. “Great,” he says, “Can I call you sometime?” There are two smoking cars leaking fluid and holding up four lanes of traffic, two disgruntled drivers looking ready to fight (one limping), and this guy prioritizes asking me out? You gotta kind of respect that.
My friend Natalie and I have had this conversation before. She’s a free spirited German girl raised by gypsies and only dates sexually overt men. She has a tattoo of heaven on her lower abdomen and I’m still not sure whether that suggests the area below is hell. The last guy she dated picked her up in a store on Hollywood Blvd with the line, “Damn, girl, why don’t you back that ass up this way?” Natalie and I operate slightly differently in the love department. When the fireman handed me his number at the scene I smiled, pocketed it, then threw it away when I got home. It was clear to me that a guy who moves that fast on the street probably moves fast other places. And if a guy ever asked me to back my ass up anywhere I would either think I was in his way or he was totally sleazy.
But Natalie doesn’t see it that way. “He was just expressing an interest in you,” she tells me. “Yes,” I tell her. “An interest in… doing… stuff.” (I have an inner 12 year-old, by the way, who refers to sex as ’stuff’ and my lady parts as ‘down stairs’). Natalie laughs and asks what else you think about when you’re first attracted to someone. When I found out she actually went out with a guy who’s first words to her involved a body part and a directional command, I was grossed out. But to her, he was just being direct. “How do you know if a guy likes you?” she wanted to know. I consider the mating rituals of the white and awkward. “Well, you know, we talk about everything other than the fact that we’re actually attracted to each other. Then we make some jokes to see if we laugh at the right parts… then maybe we make plans to go do something under the guise of just liking each other as people even though really, we’re probably thinking about making out the whole time.” Natalie looks at me like I’m nuts.
So maybe it does sound like kind of lot of work. Pretending not to want to kiss someone while also sending the signal that you want to be kissed is a tricky endeavor. And truth be told, Natalie has had far more lasting relationships with men who have picked her up with some kind of sexual comment than I’ve had doing my Wonder Years, “Do you like me or like-like me” dance. There doesn’t seem to be an argument that beating around the bush suggests more noble intentions. It’s more like a last attempt to throw a little romance into the courting process. Which I guess means that my idea of romance equals mixed messages and pretending. Maybe it all comes back to my inner 12 year-old, the one who got depressed after sex-ed because it all seemed so technical and dangerous, the one who cried when no one asked her to dance to “End of the Road,” by Boyz 2 Men. That kid still wants to believe that when someone likes you (like-likes you) they are seeing a piece of your soul. Yeah, that kid also apparently listens to Jewel.
I respect the direct approach Natalie and her suitors take to relationships. It seems no-nonsense, adult. But even though I am one, I find adults depressing. Congratulations if you can say, “I’m lonely, you’re hot, so here’s an obvious solution.” But even if it’s all means to the same end, I’ll beat around the bush a few rounds to feel like I’m falling for somebody, not anybody. And sure, then we can dry hump. Because now it’s meaningful dry humping.
I am Stan
I’ve known Stan my whole life. He and my dad were friends in college and kept in touch afterwards. I don’t remember ever being formally introduced to Stan, I just remember him being around. My dad would invite him over to watch sports from time to time, and the two would spend the day chatting about the current games before inevitably remembering some obscure sporting event from when they were in college. Almost comically, they would alternate who’s turn it was to invite the other over. And they never broke the cycle.
As a child, I thought all adults were married, and so I always wondered why Stan wasn’t. On the surface he seemed like a nice guy. He had a steady job, wasn’t bad looking, and was in shape (he was a dedicated runner). Yet for as long as I can remember, he’s been living with his mother in a two-bedroom apartment. He was always nice to me even though it was clear he wasn’t really sure how to deal with kids.
Nearly 32 years after I was born, Stan and my dad still get together regularly to watch sports. My dad, of course, has a wife and two sons. Stan still lives with his mom.
This past weekend, a friend I hadn’t seen in a while sent me an email inviting me to a barbecue. I see him periodically, and I looked forward to catching up with him and seeing how big his son has gotten. Then it occurred to me: the last time I saw him was also at a barbecue at his place last year. I wondered if his son, who was three last year, would even remember me. I’m not sure what his wife thinks of me – this single guy who never asks to bring a girl over. She and I always chat politely.
All of a sudden it hit me: I am Stan. I’m the single guy who comes over every once in a while. Granted, I don’t live with my mother, but that distinction seems particularly arbitrary at this point in time. That’s me. My friend’s son is going to know me from his childhood, and maybe into adulthood, as the guy who stopped by periodically…alone.
Why women get caught up in the past
This is a guest post contributed by Allison Schleck, a featured writer for Online Dating Sites. Allison is a well-accomplished bilingual writer for magazines, websites and newspapers who teaches Karate Do on her down time.
Curiosity can be a blessing and a curse for women. When we start a new relationship everything is going great as we try to get to know this person intimately. However, there comes a day where we have this urge to ask questions that we really do not want to know the answer to, and above all else, have very little to no ramifications in regard to your new relationship. Why does our curiosity of other women in our new man’s life matter?
What is Important in a New Relationship?
It is not a good idea to pretend that the new person in your life has never been with anyone before you. You should ask your partner when the last time he or she was tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Even if you use protection, you should still know. Ask if your new partner has been with someone after he or she got tested. If so, then you should get tested together just to make sure that everyone is healthy. Once you get this extremely important detail out of the way, is there really a need to deep further into the past?
The Wrong Questions You Ask
Women love to ask every detail related to their new partner’s past relationships, questions like; how many people have you kissed, how many people have you slept with, when was the last time you went out with someone, what did you guys do, what did you love and hate about your ex, and more. You may even start trying to compare yourself to his ex-girlfriend. But why are any of these things important? Now that you have started a wonderful, new relationship, especially with someone who you think could potentially be the one, why does the past matter?
Creating Imaginary Problems
Instead of reminding your new boyfriend about his ex–girlfriend, you should be concentrating on moving forward. Do you want to stay in the past with your ex–boyfriend or do you want to move forward? Let go of the past. There is no need to throw it in your new boyfriend’s face that you have been with someone before him and you do not need to know about the escapades that he had with someone else. This only leads to problems, doubt and fights over a past that neither one of you were part of.
Commencing a new relationship is extremely beautiful where two kindred souls meet and learn about each other. Why take away the beauty of this meeting and relationship by tarnishing it with events of the past? The safe rule is if you cannot handle knowing the answer then do not ask. This only applies to questions that you know are unimportant and that will not affect you. You should know about your partner’s health but relishing in his past with ex girlfriends will create circumstances of doubt on your part when he has done nothing to give you any suspicion. Let go of the past and start anew with your new beau.
Issues? What issues?
When we’re single, we want a relationship. When we’re in a relationship–an incompatible one, that is–we want to be single. Never satisfied, it’s easy to miss what’s really wrong in the picture.
I’m what the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator would refer to as “Perceiving.” Basically, that means that I’m comfortable in a state of indecision. To those who are opposite of Perceiving, or “Judging” (not the same as judgemental) it’s important to know what their weekly schedule looks like. But I like to keep it open and have options.
Even in a relationship with a boyfriend, I was never comfortable with the idea that he was “the one.” Get married? I’d rather wait and see. Any excuse I could find to get out of a relationship and find a new one was acceptable in my eyes. But then I turned 37. My boyfriend of 4 years and I broke up the year before. (My longest relationship to date.) At this age I started to think about whether or not I really wanted to bear a child. I decided I did and thought about settling down.
Fast forward to May 2010. I turn 39 in two months, and my boyfriend– who I found on a dating website– and I have been together over a year. Until a month ago, I was still in that state of indecision about marriage. Except this boyfriend is different from the other ones. He’s compatible with me. But why haven’t I felt in love with him? It’s that gnawing question that plagues many of us, that make us wonder if we can be more than friends, or whatever.
I got the answer to that question a month ago. It was something that I had been ignoring for years.
I had been in love once before. And I was in a relationship with him, Bill, in 2003. But I broke up with him because I wanted to pursue a career in entertainment and thought our relationship was getting in the way. But really it was my lack of independence that was in the way. About 4 months after leaving him, he was in a car accident and died.
Bill and I were still in touch the day of his accident. In fact, I ran into him the same day. He invited me to see a play. Inside I wanted to go, because I was still in love with him, but instead declined. Years later, while in this new relationship, I still hadn’t let go of my lost love and wasn’t allowing my heart to open up. I squashed my feelings with busyness and avoided intimacy out of fear for losing another loved one to death.
It’s very easy to go into denial about our problems. But being in denial doesn’t help anyone. Whether we’re in a relationship, dating casually, or playing around, every person we get close to can be affected by our issues.
My issue with my present boyfriend became a non-issue after I decided to let go of Bill’s spirit and move on. I had been feeling guilty for breaking up with the only man I ever felt like I could die for (besides my dad). And my reason for breaking up was my own problem. Another issue.
There are other details that affected my story that would take a book to write about. But rather than go there, it should suffice to say there were many other personal issues that needed attention and healing.
Since Bill died, I’ve learned to be independent. My present boyfriend, Jason, is also an independent person. It’s amazing when two independent people get together and are compatible. They become two interdependent people, and the chemistry is awesome. But the only way I could be here in this (amazingly) healthy relationship is to have dealt with those issues without dragging my significant others into the depressing depths of their roots. Of course, the guys were aware I was working through emotional trials, but they were not victims to them.
Got issues? Face up.
Sometimes, they just don’t know
So you’ve been reading this blog, perhaps other dating sites and books, trying to pick up on subtle hints that someone is interested in you. You’ve read about indicators of interest (IOI), the subconscious actions that give away a person’s romantic attraction. You’ve mastered listening to the words that someone else is saying and finding hidden meaning. You’ve even paid attention to small moments of seemingly harmless physical contact. Yes, you’re convinced, this person likes you.
In some cases you’ll be right, yet in others you’ll be completely wrong. Why is that? The reason is actually very simple. At some point during life, you start to refine your behaviors as you interact with others. Everything becomes more streamlined and develop a rock solid persona. People come to know you as a “type” of person, meaning that they can predict your reactions to certain types of situations. You play be a set of rules that are defined by you based on your past experiences. Your flirting behaviors, those that are intended to attract another, fall into this category as well.
I’m sure you’ve met someone who completely lacks the ability to flirt. We’ve all run into them at one point or another. This can happen for a number of reasons such as never having been in a situation to flirt (often a misconception) or being so bad at it that you just give up (more common). Equally awkward are those people who have no idea that they’re flirting and, therefore, end up in uncomfortable situations all the time.
I recently asked out a girl that I’ve had a crush on for a while, and was incredibly excited when she said yes. I had gotten all kinds of signals from her. She complimented me seemingly out of the blue both on my work and on my style; she implied she’d like to see me again and then followed up by actually saying it; she was overly friendly, laughed at my jokes, and generally agreed to everything I asked. When I asked her out to dinner, she said she it sounded great and that she’d look forward to it. I had asked a few questions designed to determine if she was seeing anyone (i.e., so what did you do last weekend?) and there was no mention of a boyfriend. What I didn’t know: she had no idea this was a date.
She had to cancel our “date” and when we talked about rescheduling, she revealed that she was seeing someone. Certainly something that one would think to mention when someone asks you out to dinner, one would think. As our conversation went on, I could sense the confusion. She literally had no idea that she was sending me signals and no idea that I had asked her out on a date. To her, I was just the friendly guy at work that she talks to sometimes. What more could there possibly be?
The initial anger I felt faded away pretty quickly as she told me more stories of her mixing up guys’ intentions. This poor girl literally had no idea when guys were flirting with her, let alone when she was flirting with guys. My anger turned to sympathy – this girl is so completely lost. Who knows how many guys she’s inadvertently hurt in the past. And I instantly felt sorry for the guy she’s seeing, after all, does he know that she’s accepting invitations for dinner from random guys she meets?
We can do all of the studying on dating and flirting that we can, but none of it makes up for the uniqueness of each personality. For someone who doesn’t realize that she’s flirting, or someone who doesn’t realize that someone else is flirting with her, the rules don’t matter. The words she says don’t mean what you think they mean, and the looks, smiles, and winks are nothing more than the playful acts of a child. You’re reading into these signals as if they matter only to be left disappointed and confused. Don’t blame yourself, there’s nothing you could have done differently.
For some people, they just don’t know.
Dazed and Confused
I knew I looked good Saturday night.
The hair. The makeup. The outfit. Everything was working for me that night. I stepped into the club completely confident that I would at least find someone of interest to dance with.
One cutie immediately started doing the look-and-look-away routine as I stood by the dance floor. I made eye contact a couple times and strategically moved to a spot where he could see me better. My plan failed as the cutie in question did not make one move to advance our sultry connection. It was still early so I knew there was time to find somebody else.
My crew and I migrated to an area of the club where we could sit down and give our cramping feet a break. I spotted another cutie by the bar and continuously made mutual eye contact. Nothing happened again. This horrible lack of interest continued for the remainder of the evening.
HOWEVER the creepy club guys who I expressed zero interest in were the ones I had to fight off. What is going on with that??? I understand these guys are unavoidable and plentiful in population at any club in the world but I don’t understand why these were the ONLY guys who approached me that night.
Even members of the Latin community weren’t biting and usually those are my greatest admirers!! I left the club feeling rejected and confused. I wasn’t dressed overly slutty. I wore an outfit that complemented my best assets. I felt like I was approachable and received an inkling of interest from at least two objects of interest but no follow through. I didn’t get it.
This is where I need insight from the male perspective. I want to know what happens when a guy comes across a girl of interest. Does he just sit back and do nothing?? Make repeated eye contact only to walk away from where she is??? Make a move by initiating conversation??
I also want to know why a man who expresses some interest via eye contact and receives eye contact in return doesn’t go one step further (i.e. smiling, mouthing hello, introducing oneself, etc). What’s the problem? Are they afraid of being rejected? Why stare if they aren’t going to do anything??
