My Dating Life Playlist
Mr. Ethical Slut’s last post got me thinking - what are the top ten songs that describe my dating experiences? In no particular order, they are:
1. Fool of Me - Me’Shell Ndegeocello: We have all that one person who we thought liked us more than they did. You thought it was more serious than it was - and when you found out you were just a blip in his life, you couldn’t help but feel like a fool.
2. Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt: This is the national anthem for the one that got away. Bad timing, long distance, too young, too old - you just couldn’t get it right. But if you did, it would have been the stuff they make movies about.
3. Ex-Factor - Lauryn Hill: There are some exes that you just can’t get rid off. They pop in your head and back in your life when you least expect.
4. Mr; Brightside - The Killers: Okay, if you’ve ever heard this song before then you probably have no idea what it means. Me neither. But I find the title a little indicative of many of my failed dating experiences - the brightside is that I put myself out there and learned from it. Pretty, f*ing bright, huh?
5. Sexy Love - Ne-Yo: If you’ve ever had clothing flying, three rooms, three hours, at leas three times at night escapades, this song was probably playing in the background.
6. Smoke and Ashes - Tracy Chapman: For the one too many times you thought you found “the one” only to realize months later that is was all in your head.
7. I Wanna Be Your Lover - Prince: Nothing is so obvious and transparent as this song. Best line - “I wanna be the only one that makes you come running.”
8. I Go to Sleep - The Pretenders: This song captures exactly how hollow it feels to sleep alone.
9. Near You Always -Jewel: There is a point you reach when dating someone that you realize you prefer to have them around more than less - and then you know you have moved from dating to a relationship.
10. Better Be Good to Me - Tina Turner: I crank this song up in my apartment ever so often to remind myself that I should not accept anything less than a man that treats me extremely well. Not okay, but extremely well.
Popularity: 2% [?]
The best place to meet people
One of the constant challenges for those who are perpetually single is finding new ways to meet people. Most single people immediately flock to bars to meet other single people with a side of inebriation. The truth is that bars are the worst place to meet quality people to date. Looking for a one-night stand? Sure, go right ahead. Looking for someone interesting to date with the possibility of a relationship? No way. How would you feel telling your friends or parents that you met your significant other at a bar?
So bars, clubs, and anything else of the same nature are out. You’ll read advice telling you that the best place to meet people is through your everyday activities. The supermarket, the post office, work,…all aren’t bad places to meet people and significantly better than bars in terms of quality, however, still not the best. No, the best place to meet people is through an activity that you’ve been doing for most of your life. The great thing is that it typically costs nothing and you always enjoy yourself. The best place to meet people? At a friend’s party.
House parties thrown by your friends, and other such get togethers, are the best places to meet people. I will rarely turn down an opportunity to get together with a bunch of people. The people will undoubtedly be a mix of people you do know and people that you don’t know, a great situation to be in. The reasons why these parties are such great places to meet are:
- Built-in conversations. Everyone is at the party because they either know the host or know someone who knows the host. You can start off a conversation by asking how the other person knows the host and just continue on from there.
- Implied acceptance. Just the very fact that you’re at the party with these other people brings with it an implied level of acceptance into a group. You and everyone else there are automatically part of the same social circle so everyone is at ease. You can easily flirt with someone without the usual warming techniques typically necessary with strangers because they believe you to be “safe” just for being at the party.
- Excuse to talk. In normal everyday life, you need to find a reason to talk to people. Most people won’t just say, “hi, I wanted to talk to you,” and if they do, you think they’re strange. It’s usually necessary to think up a reason to talk to someone: ask their opinion, discuss an issue, etc. At a friendly party, it’s impolite to not introduce yourself to the others. It’s perfectly acceptable to walk up to someone and say, “I don’t believe we’ve met…” This is harder to pull off in other situations, but in this one, it’s completely normal and doesn’t raise any flags whatsoever.
With all of this going for you, it’s incredibly easy to meet someone at a friend’s party, dinner, or get together. Your chances of success are greater when the group meets at someone’s home or has a restaurant/bar completely rented out, thus weeding out any potential crashers. Any type of friendly social event will do: barbeques, birthday parties, dinner parties…they all are great places to meet people. Haven’t been invited to one of these in a while? The best way to jumpstart that part of your social calendar is to throw a party yourself and invite others. As the saying goes, what goes around comes around, and soon you’ll find that others will invite you out. Don’t overlook this potential goldmine of dating opportunities, go to or throw a party with friends today.
Popularity: 4% [?]
Booty Call, Fuck Buddy, or Friend with Benefits?
Recently, I heard “If I’m Not Your Lover” by Al B. Sure!. Listening to it now, the lyrics resonate more then back when I first heard it in the late 80s:
If I’m not your lover
If I’m not your friend
Tell me, baby
Just tell me what I am
The song reflects the role confusion of what many dating singles go through. Since there are many more types of relationships than before, figuring out where one stands is more challenging. Recognizing the terms of a relationship can help keep expectations realistic and in turn keeps you in control. Below are my definitions of some relationship patterns. By no means are these descriptions definitive.
One-Night Stand
Calling Pattern:
Calls and texts are confined to a 24-hour time limit. After sex, cell phone connectivity seems to peter out.
Social Behavior:
Situational factors such as weddings, recent breakups, traveling, and out of town visitors have a profound influence on initiating a one-night stand. The relationship is brief and intense. Attention is focus on the moment.
Sentiment:
As the name designates this is a one-time thing. Therefore, having sex again after the 24-hour period would change the relationship into a different type. Common feelings associated with a one-night stand are “Wanting to get it out of my system”, “I was so trashed”, “Why not”, “It was just on”, and “Everything just fell into place”.
Booty Call
Calling Pattern:
Text messaging is the preferred mode of communication because of its conciseness. Calls or texts are often initiated around a bar’s last call. Chitchatting is avoided and instead there is a quick exchange of necessary details like:
- Can you meet up later?
- When?
- Whose place?
Social Behavior:
Time spent predominantly engaging in or preparing for sex. There is no dating or hanging out. Rarely do you see booty calls spending time in public together. After sex, spending the night is not obligatory and often discouraged.
Sentiment:
You’re on the same sexual page. There is an understanding that each person is in the relationship for just sex. Booty calls are not interested in a romantic relationship with each other. Therefore, dating other people is acceptable and each other’s dating life is usually kept private. To keep the relationship on a sex-only level, getting to know one another on an emotional level is avoided. Depending on the terms of the relationship, if one partner has sex with someone else, then terms of the relationship may need to be renegotiated.
Fuck Buddy
Calling Pattern:
Calls or texts are initiated to see what is happening that night or around town. Calls are usually focused around the social scene and whether paths will cross during the night.
Social Behavior:
Fuck buddies are able to be with each other in public. They often bump into each other at the same parties, bars, and clubs. Fuck buddies will seldom make plans with each other. Meetings are usually more spur of the moment or if there is nothing better happening. Fuck buddies can meet at the venue where the other fuck buddy is at and then go home with each other, whereas, booty calls will usually just meet where they will have sex.
Sentiment:
Fuck buddies are social play friends. The relationship is built on fun, casualness, and sex. They may be actively dating other people and are not interested in dating the other fuck buddy. Fuck buddies will usually only hang out if sex will ensue afterwards. Depending on the relationship, sex could be exclusively with each other or open to other people. This type of relationship ends if one of the members starts to seriously romantically date another person. However, if that partner returns to single status, the fuck buddy relationship can be reestablished.
Friend with Benefits
Calling Pattern:
Will call to just talk or make plans to hang out.
Social Behavior:
For the most part, these two people are friends. The big difference between their other friendships is sex. Friends with benefits have the ability to go out on date-like activities, which is useful for formal parties and weddings. However, real dates are not initiated because there is no romantic interest between the partners. The intention of hanging out is because they enjoy similar activities and each other’s company. Sex is an optional part of the relationship. If one partner has sex outside of the relationship, it does not end their friendship. Instead, the sex element is taken out of the relationship and they continue to be friends. Sex can also come back into the friendship when both parties are ready for it.
Sentiment:
This relationship is primarily about friendship. Friends with benefits care about the other; however, they are not interested in romantically dating each other. They are able to have sex with each other without it being awkward because they either have a good foundation for their relationship and/or communicate really well with each other. Since friendship is more valued than sex, sex is often sacrificed for the sake of the friendship. Friends with benefits are also able to talk about each other’s dating lives.
Girlfriend/Boyfriend
Calling Pattern:
Calls and texts include all of the above calling patterns. In this relationship type, calling frequency also facilitates maintenance of the relationship. Content of conversations spans a much larger topic area.
Social Behavior:
Both parties are comfortable openly expressing their affection towards one another. Each person publicly acknowledges this type of relationship to others. Dating and sex are mutually exclusive.
Sentiment:
There is a high level of exclusivity that does not exist in the other relationships. Both people agreement that they are a “couple”. There is a mutual understanding that this title involves social prioritizing and commitment. The couple will agree with the unique rules that determine their relationship.
Conclusion
These are only a few basic relationship types. Many of these types have different names associated with them. However, the name or the description is not of highest priority. The important point of defining your role in a relationship is to be able to get your needs and wants met. By communicating with your partner, one is able to better function within the relationship. Games, manipulation, unrealistic expectations, and jealousy can be somewhat avoided if each person is clear with what they’re looking for. Then more energy can be spent in getting the most out of the relationship.
Popularity: 12% [?]
Introduction to pursuit theory
Somewhere on a playground, a little girl pinches a little boy and then turns and runs away. The little boy gives chase. He’s not entirely sure why he’s chasing her, or what he’ll do if and when he catches her, but he does it anyway. He doesn’t even stop to think about it, all he knows is that he must chase her. She, on the other hand, only knows she wants him to chase after her. The only way to do this is to invite him to do so, but not through words. No, she invites him through actions. Should he give up chasing her, she’ll turn around and pinch him again to restart the event. Neither the little boy nor the little girl are thinking much about what they’re doing or why it’s important to them; this behavior is seemingly in their DNA. This is the very basis of pursuit theory.
Pursuit theory is my way of describing how men and women should behave in order to attract suitable dating material. The idea is to weed out those who aren’t all that interested or those who are just interested in sex. I’ve developed this theory as the go-to guy for dating advice for my friends over the course of years and it rarely disappoints. The best thing about it is its simplicity. The only thing you need to remember is this: the guy’s role is to pursue the girl and the girl’s role is to invite the guy to pursue.
Note the subtle difference here. The girl should not be doing the pursuing at all, she should simply be letting the guy know that she wants to be pursued. This is really important to keep the balance of power where it should be: with the girl. There are a lot of guys who are really good at getting girls to pursue them; this is the typical pickup artist mentality. The trouble is that most of them are just after sex, and once they get it, they’re on to the next challenge. As a guy with a lot of female friends, I’ve seen this pattern repeated over and over again to devastating effects. For girls, making the guy pursue you is the best way to discern his intentions. Most guys who are just after sex won’t put forth much effort in pursuing you, so making them do some work initially can quickly weed them out.
On the guy’s side, you need to be prepared to pursue the girl. That means you call her, you pick out date locations, you indicate your intent. You also need to be on the lookout for invitations to pursue her or indications to back off. Whenever she invites you to do something, that means you should pursue. Invitations may be small such as, “why don’t you join us?” or large such as her giving you her number. Failing to pursue her after an invitation likely means that your window of opportunity has passed.
Pursuit theory goes after what seems to be the core interaction between guys and girls, the same interaction that first presents itself on elementary school playgrounds around the world. For some reason, guys like to pursue things while girls love to make others pursue them. Feeding this nature puts both parties into their comfort zones and things tend to move fairly smoothly. It’s a game of give and take where the players both understand the rules.
Now, some will consider this old-fashioned, and maybe even too strict. I’d invite you to give it a chance, though, before dismissing it. I’ve seen it work for many of my friends, and I’m confident it can work for you. There are some subtle nuances to this approach that I’ll be discussing in the future. For now, let the theory swirl around in your head and see if it resonates with you.
Popularity: 17% [?]
Dear Matchmaker: I’m Single NOT Desperate
I appreciate when people want to set me up with their single friends. However, some people get overly invested in their role as matchmaker. Just because I am single and their friend is single does not mean that it’s a match made in heaven. When I tell them that I am not interested in their friend, they get offended and a slew of arguments soon follow:
- “How do you already know?”
- “You haven’t even given her a chance?”
- “You may like her later when you get to know her.”
- “Chemistry doesn’t happen right away, you know.”
- “How come you’re not attracted to her? She’s beautiful.”
When they become incessant, it becomes a disservice to their friend because it pushes me further away. It is as if these matchmakers are more of an expert on me than ME I’ve been dating for most of my life, so I know what I like, don’t like, am attracted to, feel chemistry with, and if there’s potential. Anyway, I’m still figuring out how to tactfully let these matchmakers understand that I appreciate their intentions but that I am not interested.
Popularity: 15% [?]
It’s the self esteem, stupid
When people ask me what the most important part of dating is, my answer is simple: self esteem. Self esteem is important from the moment you decide to meet someone right through into having a serious, committed relationship. If this ingredient is missing, you’re destined to self destruct in one way or another. So what exactly is self esteem?
Self esteem is, quite simply, the belief that you have value as a human being. This means knowing that you deserve to be treated well and deserve to be happy. When you have self esteem, people can tell: you’re comfortable in your own shoes, you don’t feel the need to slight or insult anyone else to make yourself feel better; on the contrary, people feel good just being around you because there is no pressure. Those with self esteem treat themselves well so you won’t find them overindulging in drugs and alcohol. They understand how to take care of themselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually. People with self esteem don’t need someone to date, they want someone to date.
Low self esteem makes people do things that often end up rubbing people the wrong way. They can’t help themselves, though, they’re just trying to fill an internal void that they don’t understand. When people have low self esteem, they may push away happiness because they don’t believe that they deserve it. And if you’re the person giving them happiness, they will push you away.
Falling for someone with low esteem is quite the trap. You’re often drawn to them because you see so much more in them than they do in themselves, and you think that you’ll be able to show them how wonderful they truly are. The fact is, you can never teach someone to have self esteem, it’s something that people need to arrive at on their own. Oftentimes, this can only be done outside of the context of a relationship. Self esteem is never found through someone else, and the presence of a romantic interest typically overpowers any self-exploration the person needs to do.
If you want to test your self esteem, wait until the next time you see someone attractive. Now ask yourself why you’re not approaching him or her. Usually the answer is fear, but fear of what? Rejection? If you followed this path all the way to rejection, you’re now dealing with self esteem. Why are you assuming that rejection is even a possibility? That’s your self esteem talking.
When you want to approach someone, you need to honestly believe that this person’s life would be better off with you in it. Think about all the wonderful things you can offer someone in a relationship and how appreciative that they would be to have that. Look at her, or him, as someone who wants to get to know you because of the great qualities you have.
Further, you need to believe that you deserve this person. If you don’t, if you think someone is too good for you, or too pretty, too smart, too successful, then you’re right; on the other hand, if you think that you have something to offer to this person, you’re also right. It’s all based on what beliefs you have about yourself, your self esteem. Believe that you deserve someone in your life to make you happy, and believe that this could be that person.
If you have trouble with self esteem, then it should be your first goal to deal with that. Until you learn to love yourself, you will never be able to accept love from, or give love to, someone else. You need to be happy with yourself and in your own skin before you can be happy in a relationship. Talk with friends, get perspectives on what they like about you, or consider going into therapy. The journey to a strong self esteem can take work and may take time, but the sooner you start, the better off you’ll be and the closer you’ll get to being able to have a meaningful relationship.
Popularity: 16% [?]
When to ask her out: The acquaintance
An acquaintance is somewhere between a stranger and a friend. It’s someone that you speak to on a regular basis but don’t necessarily communicate with outside of a recurring situation. An acquaintance is the waitress at the restaurant that you go to all the time, or another student in a class you’re taking, or a co-worker. The key is that you don’t really know these people personally, you know them through some activity and don’t really see or interact with them otherwise.
Acquaintances are more difficult to ask our than strangers. With strangers, you’ll never see them again so there is little risk in asking them out. With acquaintances, you know that you’ll run into them again and that can cause stress. After all, if the acquaintance says no, you know that you’ll be seeing him or her again soon. With either a yes or a no, though, you run the risk of changing the dynamic of the situation.
Consider the situation of taking a class. You’re there on the first day and a girl walks in that is absolutely beautiful. If you ask her out right then and there and she says no, you may not want to go to the class anymore; if she says yes, your new relationship may become a distraction for the other students. So what do you do? Simple, you wait. An acquaintance actually gives you time to get to know them. Strike up a conversation each time you’re together, gradually learning about the other person. Invite the person out in a group with others from the same situation, i.e., suggest to everyone that you go out after class for a drink. Get to know the other person as much as possible through your shared moments, an opportunity you don’t get with strangers.
The best time to ask out an acquaintance is when you aren’t sure you’ll see them again. The class may be coming to an end, or the waitress may be changing jobs, and if you don’t do anything, that person will walk out of your life possibly forever. Now is the time to act. This way you’re assured of two things: 1) you won’t ruin the dynamic of the situation and 2) you won’t need to run into this person again if they say no. Invite him or her out, just the two of you. Make it clear that you’ve enjoyed their company and conversation to this point and would be severely disappointed if you lost that. After that, you’re on your own.
Note about co-workers: you may need to wait longer and have more “group dates” before officially asking out a co-worker. Make sure you fully understand your company’s dating and sexual harassment policies before even thinking about it. Most companies forbid relationships between managers and their subordinates, but some also exclude fraternization of any kind or may even have love contracts.
Popularity: 22% [?]
ONE (more) NIGHT STAND?
Hop a plane Friday and back by Sunday.
TEMPTING. Sort of.
“Take your time.” He hasn’t asked me why I’ve waited a day or two (or three…) to get back to him. Smart guy. Gives me less of an excuse to write him off. Literally.
“I do have quite a few friends I grew up with that live in Seattle.” I’m hoping this dissuades him. What I’m hedging at is equivalent to meeting the parents. “They’d kill me if I didn’t tell them I was in town.”
“That’s great!” He’s genuinely stoked. “We definitely should have dinner with them.”
Ahem… WE are NOT dating. Did I completely miss something in the disconnect?
What happened to the simple ONE night stand? No dinner involved and very LITTLE alcohol was needed in sealing the deal. ONE hook up. ONE!
Look, I get that I should walk away. There’s many an escape route that I’ve executed flawlessly. Really. You’ve used them, too, I’m sure: Grandma’s croaked, dog’s got a rectal infection, work overload, etc.
Then again, there’s a hitch: mutual friends. Especially when they’re “work-related” friends. DAMN. Life’s a bitch. I’ll swear by it.
I can already picture my pseudo-therapist’s smirk: “You sure know how to pick ‘em.”
What an ASS. I absolutely HATE that he’s right.
Popularity: 24% [?]
How to impress a woman
I am constantly and profoundly stunned at what men consider to be a passable or even presentable form of impressing a woman. To be very clear, there is only ONE thing all women want regardless of the list of attributes she throws at you. You will be amazed how bendable that list is when you can make her feel this way.
Make her feel that she’s the most special and perfect woman.
Simple right? Yet many men’s attempt to impress a woman seems to be more about them and less about her.
Telling her that you’re a great catch because women desire you or talking about your dating prowess does not make you more desirable. If you knew anything about women’s competitive nature , this type of conversation only puts her in a place where she is now comparing herself to your past and/or present as she decides rather she wants to be you future. As men define attractiveness differently than women, don’t assume just because you were willing to date those women, she wants to be associated with them through you. Remember to a woman, her measure of you is also about the company that you have kept. If she thinks you had absolutely no standards, she wonders where she fits in that spectrum. Unfortunately ’standard’ is her subjective measure, so play it safe and avoid it. She knows you have a past, and that’s enough information.
Telling her that you have graduated with an MBA, PhD., MD etc from an Ivy League again is not about her but about you. In a city full of them, it doesn’t make you more desirable, but makes her wonder why you’re leading with that attribute. A confident and brilliant man let’s his accomplishments speak for themselves. I promise if you’re that brilliant, she’ll know within the first few meetings.
Telling her that you are a triathlete, again is not about her but an attribute about yourself. As you go on and on about your rigorous training, the thoughts running through her head is…with such an extensive training schedule, he won’t be around. She can objectively admire your discipline, she will be relating your lifestyle and wonder how that fits into her life.
Remember, not only is she trying to determine your desirability beyond initial physical attraction, but how well she thinks you fit into her life. And despite a long list of what was once ‘must haves’ it becomes a list of ‘nice to have’ in face of a man that makes her feel completely and totally desirable.
Popularity: 24% [?]
SEX in Seattle?
It’s URGENT.
“Hey,” he’s playing it smooth. I almost buy it. “It’s me. Call me.”
Only two face-to-face meetings with what was supposed to be a textbook one-night-stand and he’s already thrusting himself into the familiar. Thank GOD it went straight to voice-mail.
… one hippopotamus… two hippopotamus… three hippopotamus… BINGO!
Text #1: HOW DOES SEATTLE SOUND?
… one Mississippi… two Mississippi…
Text #2: FREE TICKET + FREE HOTEL = NICE LITTLE WEEKEND.
… holy… shit…
Text #3: NEXT WEEKEND?
It’s plausible, but is it palpable? Two meetings. One hook up. Mr. Write chides me hourly about my “no strings attached” mantra.
“Everything’s got strings attached somehow,” he grimaces. “It’s just a matter of what kinds of strings are attached and who they’re attached to.”
Popularity: 25% [?]