Book review: How to Find a Woman…or Not
Imagine that you have an older divorced buddy who decided to throw himself into the world of dating. Imagine the same buddy going up on stage and delivering a comedy/advice show all about his dating adventures to you and all of your friends. If you can imagine that scenario, then you’ve imagined Gary Morgenstein’s new book, How to Find a Women…or Not.
Make no mistake, this book is highly targeted towards those who are in a situation similar to Gary: past a first marriage, a little older, and trying to get back into the dating game. If you happen to live in New York, you’ll also benefit from recommendations on where to take the older woman for a nice date.
The content delivery is exactly what you’d expect from a sarcastic standup comedian. There are few sentences that slip by without a parenthetical side commentary, which can make the book seem more stream-of-consciousness than it really is. The other thing you’ll find a lot of in this book is lists. Almost every page feature either a bulleted or numbered lists of things you should keep in mind. The downside of this approach is that it breaks up the flow of the book, so reading it straight through is a little bit tiring. The upside of this approach is that you don’t have to worry about getting lost if put down the book and pick it up later.
Where the book really shines is towards the middle, when Gary takes on Internet dating. Having been through the Internet dating experience and emerged with my own battle scars, I could really relate to this section. He deftly dissects the ins and outs of Internet dating and how to keep your sanity while making an attempt to meet someone interesting. I love the title of Chapter 10, “Online Dating and Other Surreal Experiences”.
Gary really explores all realms of dating, including the value of gay friends, how to avoid losing your job while dating at work, why getting setup with someone by friends isn’t always a good thing, how young is too young, and of course, sex. He moves swiftly from one topic to the next, peppering the text with “Morgy Rules,” Gary’s pieces of advice that you’ll want to write down and remember, such as:
Remember the woman always chooses. ALWAYS. They decide if we can touch their private parts, not us. If they deign, we sleep with them. If they don’t, we don’t.
Note that this book is not a step-by-step guide to dating, but rather a book-length comedic rant about dating in general with some words of wisdom sprinkled throughout. Being younger than Gary, I had a little bit of trouble relating to some stories (dating women with children, needing to pack the little blue pill just in case, etc.), but I can definitely imagine those older than me relating very well to this. How to Find a Women…or Not is recommended if you enjoy sarcastic/funny writing on the complex topic of dating and the adventures a 50-something year old divorcee can still have in the quest for love and happiness.
The Wonderlic Dating Exam
For those of you who don’t know what the heck the Wonderlic Exam is, it’s a test given to football players entering the NFL Draft every year. What does this have to do with dating? The NFL apparently takes the twelve-minute, fifty question pre daft assessment exam very seriously, so imagine the possibilities if women and men used this test after a date to assess the intelligence/compatibility of a prospective suitor?
Since there isn’t a sample of what the Wonderlic Dating Exam would look like, I took it upon myself to create a mock up of the female version (male version will appear in part 2 of post). Instead of wasting time analyzing the date with your friends or creating a list of Pros and Cons, you can have your date take this!
Wonderlic Dating Exam (Female Version)
The name of your date is…
a) Tammy b) Suzy c) Tim d) I have no idea
When the check comes after a delicious dinner for two at a restaurant one of you picked, the girl reaches for her wallet, grabs out the credit card and prepares to ask how much she can contribute to the meal and/or the tip, but you’ve already
a) taken the bill, slipped your credit card in the plastic sealing and pushed it to the end of the table
b) taken the bill, looked at it and told her how much tip is going to be
c) pushed the bill over her way and looked in the other direction to avoid eye contact and/or any explanation of your actions
2 + 2 =
Sex is…
a) a beautiful act of intimate expression between two people in a monogamous, happy relationship
b) something you ask for after dessert
c) something you pay for after you stay overnight at the local motel
The current U.S President is
a) Barack Obama
c) Megan Fox
d) I have no idea
If you could compare your date to any current female celebrity, who would it be?
a) Megan Fox
b) Barbra Streisand
c) Nobody. Her beauty can not be matched to any girl. Celebrity or not.
Your date mentions her passion for animal rights and presence in various anti-animal cruelty charities/organizations. What do you do next?
a) Tell her about how you and your dad go deer hunting every winter
b) Compliment her on what an amazing way to purse her passion and how you are doing something similar with a hobby of your own
c) Say nothing while silently wondering if Jay Cutler will ever reach his potential in Chicago
Mentioning the incredible sexual appetite and detailed accounts of your sex life with an ex is a great way to measure the jealousy of your date. True or False
Adjusting yourself for more than five minutes in front of your date so there is no room for doubt that yes, you just did that, will cause your date to do what?
a) Be suddenly turned on
b) Look on in disgust
c) All of the above
d) B only
After 30 minutes of conversation with your date, you can recall the following.
a) Nothing
b) Only bits and pieces
c) She lives in Chicago, has a dog named Slinky and works as a paralegal in Schaumburg
d) Her name. You think.
The talk
There’s a fairly small number of reasons that relationships end. Well, there seem to be a lot of different ways to end relationships, but they all boil down to three things in my mind:
- There’s someone else. Whether that means someone actually cheated or not is irrelevant; interest in someone else usually leads to the end of a relationship sooner or later.
- Big argument. He left the toilet seat up one too many times. She doesn’t like his friends. The number of arguments we have in relationships is infinite, but it just takes one big one to throw the relationship away.
- Going separate directions. This is also sometimes called “outgrowing” your partner (to be polite, of course). It really means that you both dont want the same thing anymore, whether that be in your career or relationship.
Perhaps the most heartbreaking is number three because it seems like there’s nothing “wrong” with the relationship. The problem is that it’s not exactly “right” either. That’s usually when the talk happens.
The talk is a completely heartfelt admission by one of you that things can’t stay the way they are. It can center around any number of topics but the end result is the same. Sometimes this takes one of you by surprise while others know that the relationship is building to the talk.
Why is it called the talk? Because it’s usually initiated by saying, “we need to talk,” or “can we talk?” When you hear either of these, you know that your relationship is going to take a sudden turn. And frequently, you will have no choice in the matter. Your partner has already made up his or her mind, and things are about to change.
Most of my relationships have ended with the talk. That doesn’t necessarily reflect anything about my dating style, just about my choice in women. I tend to pick partners that I respect and admire, and I hope that they feel the same way about me. Thus I’ve only ever been cheated on once and only ever had a big argument end a relationship once. The rest all centered around the talk. And in some ways, that has been more difficult.
Ending a relationship with the talk always leaves the door open. You don’t hate each other, there’s nothing concrete to point to as a dealbreaker. It’s kind of exciting thinking that you could run into that person in another place and time and things might actually work out. But in the short term, there are more questions than answers.
This doesn’t mean you should pick a fight or cheat to avoid the complexities of the talk, just that you should be prepared.
Wacky Date Ideas
My mother hates it when I suggest Buffalo Wild Wings as a dinner place for a date.
She claims I need to pick something classier and better suited to my lady-like personality. I think it’s the perfect place to eat because of the awesome atmosphere (televisions everywhere!) and great food (Boneless Teriyaki Buffalo Wings any one??). I like the ambiance of a date, especially if it’s a first one, to be as relaxed and comfortable as possible. This restaurant achieves that goal and puts me right in my element.
I’ve had one bad experience there where the guy hardly ate his food. I knew right than it wasn’t going to work out. Plus, he didn’t have any suggestions when it came time to think of dinner places for our date, so complaining about something you agreed with in the first place is a no-no in my dating book.
If the guy draws a blank when asked what he wants to do, a solid back up fitting your personality is the right way to go. This immediately puts the guy at ease because he doesn’t feel pressure to come up with something if you can’t think of any thing either.
I recently suggested basketball as a date because it is something I enjoy. The peanut gallery (supportive friends and family) told me it was random and even threw out the word “weird” because who suggests basketball as a date??!
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve done the whole diner-and-a-movie concept as well and it does provide just as much good times as basketball, but who would you rather see? My dominating HORSE skills on the basketball court or Leonardo DiCaprio screaming his head off (o wait, that’s probably me!!) in Shutter Island?? Yea, that’s what I thought.
Does the movie-and-a date concept work for you? I could just be the weird one whose mother dissaproves of unique restaurant tastes, but I like to think that’s not true.
Have you come up with a crazy idea like basketball for a date and had blast doing it? Maybe Scuba Diving? Bass Fishing? Ice Skating? Let’s hear it because I need some new date ideas pronto!
Do sports make a difference?
I LOVE sports.
It started in 2003 when I followed the Chicago Cubs during their playoff run. How exciting (and heartbreaking!) it was to watch a Chicago baseball team come so close to finally making it in to the World Series but ultimately fail due to a little known fan by the name of Steve Bartman. I saw what my future as a Chicago Cub fan could be and promptly switched to the Dark Side shortly after (Go Sox!!). I officially declared myself a Sox fan in 2005 and haven’t looked back since!
It was only a matter of time before I couldn’t go a Sunday without watching Da Bears. You think baseball is exciting? O man, you haven’t lived until you watch a football game! The 60-yard touchdown passes. The unbelievable catches. It’s absolutely amazing to watch! Sadly this season wasn’t as successful as I thought it was going to be, but as many Chicago fans consistently say after a disappointing season, there’s always next year!
My infatuation with sports started out as a relationship based purely on lust, but I am happy to say it has blossomed in to a typical loving, heartbreaking, unfulling and at times, extremely rewarding relationship. I will say that my unique buddying up to professional athletic organizations has intrigued the male speices. It just so happens the athletic, down-to-earth, passionate individuals who gravitate toward sports are exactly the kind of men I am interested in.
What I want to know is does the interest in sports appeal to all kinds of men? It makes sense for a man who would give up his first born to see in person a Bears Super Bowl victory to automatically take a liking to a women who likes sports, but what about the rest of the population?
I know I’m not the only female who can’t wait for all levels of baseball to start this season, so let’s hear from the ladies too. Do you think it makes a difference when it comes to men? Are they excited to hear how you’ve been suffering for 103 years as well?
Introducing the Dating Thoughts Community
It’s been a couple of years since we started Dating Thoughts, and we’ve met some incredible people through comments on the various blog posts. One post in particular, I’m tired of being single, has become a story around which an entire community has appeared. Apparently the sentiments of that post struck a deep chord with readers and so many keep coming back to update each other on their lives.
Several people have since written to us, expressing the desire to have other ways to communicate with one another through the site. This is the very reason we started the Dating Thoughts Community on SocialGo. The Dating Thoughts Community is a social network centered around the theme of dating and love, and it’s a place where you can interact with other Dating Thoughts readers as well as the writers themselves.
Don’t get us wrong, we don’t expect people to give up their Facebook or MySpace accounts to join our community. We just aim to provide a social experience for those who want to further discuss all of the ins and outs of dating life. As such, we’re moving our forum to the Dating Thoughts Community site, where there are many more options for communicating with one another.
Please consider this your personal invitation to join myself and the other Dating Thoughts readers in our community. It’s absolutely free to sign up. We hope to see you there soon!
A Special Beginning
I spent many hours trying to figure out what my first post would be. Do I go the predictable holiday route or do I vent about the prominent speed bumps in my dating past?
Who knew a trip to my long forgotten Myspace profile would solve all my first post dilemmas.
I revisted a poem I wrote two years ago in my college dorm room when I attended Columbia College. It was exactly how I wanted to start the blog and am very happy I finally get to share it with a bigger audience.
This poem truly is timeless because I feel the same way I did back then when I sat on that uncomfortable wooden chair and poured my heart out to the computer.
Cheers to a lovely new beginning. Enjoy!
Will I
Relationships to me prove to be a complicated subject. I have so many questions swirling through my mind with no answer in sight.
Will I ever meet the person who can live up to the expectations I set for myself?
I feel like I should compromise for the ones who seem interested, for the ones who seem almost there, for the ones who are doing what I’ve already done or what I see as undermining the potential they might have.
I, by no means, want to settle and don’t think I have it in me to do so. I consider myself to be a driven, compassionate, hungry for a dream type of person.
Why can’t I find a person who is at least chomping at the bit?
I do find frustration in this element of my life that seems so uncertain.
I do what I do, I breathe, I practice my craft, question my career and try to believe in the possibility that my other half is waiting for me at other end.
I guess I’m just thinking, focusing on a subject that I have no business focusing on because it doesn’t seem to get me anywhere.
But what I can focus on is the person that I have become, the overwhelming growth I have done, the appreciation in knowing that I am going about my dream in the “right” way and keeping my eye on the important part of my life…the ultimate prize at the end of the tunnel.
I do wander, every day, if I have to settle for one more scrub, if making a half an inch in my potential suitors progress is all I’ll ever make or if whomever I’m waiting for is sitting on a bench, thinking about the same thing and waiting just as impatiently as I am.
Approach Pep Talk
You are small. You are anonymous. I mean really, what difference does it make what you do on a day-to-day basis? Do you feel small? Good. You should feel small, because you are.
Think I’m beating you down.
I’m not.
There’s nothing wrong with being small, and anonymous. It’s a good thing . . . really.
Look, if you’re small and anonymous, you have a BIG opportunity. You have the opportunity to fall flat on your face without consequence. The fact of the matter is, even if there is a consequence, it’s very short lived . . . The only person making a big deal of it in the long run, is you.
When you’re small and anonymous you can let failures roll off your back. There won’t be an instant replay of you getting dissed on Sports Center. No one is tweeting your failure to millions of followers. It’s just you, her, and some of her friends. Focus on the next possibility rather than your last failure. After all, no one really cares that much. If they laugh at you, it’s only temporary, and shortly they’ll move on to something else. Furthermore, if someone is really that mean, do you really want to get to know her anyway? So why not approach the girl? So what if you fail? Who cares? Of course YOU care, but let it go. The likelihood is that your failure has very little to do with you anyway, so pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on.
If you fail a couple of times in one venue and you feel like everyone knows, the reality is, they probably don’t, but hey, if it’s really getting to you, switch venues; stay fresh and upbeat. Surely there’s more than one place to talk to people in your town.
Notice I said talk to people, not talk to women, hit on women, try to get numbers, try to get dates, or girlfriends. I said talk to people.
When you see a girl you find attractive, think of her as a person, a person you might like to know better.
You don’t know her, so how do you know you want to date her?
Approach with the attitude of a guy who’s chatting just to chat. Remember you have no other agenda, other than to learn a little about her. You want to see if she’s nice, right? You want to know if she’s smart, right? You can get a sense of these things if you just talk to her a little.
She may be jaded or just plain mean, and she may immediately go into defensive or nasty mode, but don’t let that discourage you. Remember, you’re just chatting, and if she’s being mean or jaded, that’s her problem and it has nothing to do with you.
Break from your shell a little; break free of your fear of failure because remember, you’re anonymous. She doesn’t know you and you don’t know her.
When you walk down the street, do you wonder whether every person who passes by likes you? Of course not, they pass by and you think nothing of it. Look at every person you try to talk to the same way. They’re just strangers who pass by.
Relax, and enjoy the process of meeting people. If you have a nice, relaxed conversation and you want to move forward and, say, get her number or meet her again, it’s a natural progression.
I read somewhere that you should, “approach every attractive girl, there’s no reason not to.” That’s good advice. There really is no reason not to.
Seriously, no one’s looking, go for it!
The suddenness of love
Summer: “One day I woke up and I just knew.”
Tom: “Knew what?”
Summer: “What I was never sure of when I was with you.”
This heart-wrenching scene from the indy hit 500 Days of Summer truly delivers the crushing honesty of love: it is sudden, both in its arrival and its departure. We’re meant to feel sorry for Tom, who has been head over heels for Summer, the girl who said that she didn’t want anything serious. Yet when she ends up married to someone else, her initial demands of being casual seem like a slap in the face. How could she have lied to him in that way?
The truth that this film so brilliantly captures is that we cannot predict love, we cannot control love. We think that we have life all figured out and we know exactly how we want, or will allow, someone else to fit within the architecture we’ve already laid out. And then that someone appears out of nowhere one day and we’re thrown for a loop. This isn’t the way it was supposed to happen and certainly not the way you had planned. Yet it feels good, perfect.
Everything happens just as suddenly as depicted in the film. One day you wake up and there’s a person there that you seem to have known forever. But you haven’t, and you’re continuing to learn more and more about each other every day. The whole experience is a joyous, wild ride that you can’t possibly imagine ending.
Another day you wake up and don’t recognize that person anymore. The light switch that was so quickly flipped on is just as quick flipped off, and the relationship is over. No one has any idea why or how this happens, and for those of us who have experienced it, the whole situation is disconcerting. You try to figure out what’s wrong but you can’t quite put your finger on it. Just as you couldn’t say what was so right when the relationship started, you also can’t identify why it’s over. It literally is just a feeling you had when you woke up.
The suddenness of love is what makes it so wonderful and so terrible all at the same time. It’s a wild, wild ride and we’re all just hanging on for dear life. The more time we spend pondering the suddenness, the more easily we may miss new opportunities that are right in front of us, as captured in one of the movies final scenes with a new girl.
Girl: Have I seen you before?
Tom: Me? I don’t think so.
Girl: Do you ever go to Angela’s Plaza?
Tom: Yes… That’s like my favorite spot in the city.
Girl: Yeah, except for the parking lots.
Tom: Yeah, yeah I agree.
Girl: Yeah, yeah I think I’ve seen you there.
Tom: Really?
Girl: Yeah…
Tom: I haven’t seen you?
Girl: You must not have been looking…
A Good Man is Not That Hard to Find
Reposted from GoodMenBook.org (November 18, 2009)
My mother used to pressure me to settle down. “Get married,” she pestered. In spite of this being the modern world and all, it’s still not as easy for a woman to get a husband as it is for a man to get a wife. And I don’t mean finding the “right” spouse. I mean getting someone to say “I do” before witnesses. Let’s face it, women, in general, want to get married before men do.
Granted, people overall take more precautions today before jumping over the broomstick than they did thirty or forty years ago. Just look at the median ages of first-time wedders. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 1971 (when I was born), the median ages of Americans marrying for the first time was twenty-three for men and twenty-one for women. Thirty years later–when Mom really started bugging me–the median ages were twenty-seven and twenty-five. I’m sure those ages would be even higher if not for the increasing number of women doing the proposing. Perhaps these women are tired of being kept up at night by their biological ticking.
A few years ago, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me. My thought was, “Cool. I’m glad I didn’t have to do it.” Don’t get me wrong. We had a great four years, and I was sad. But it was time to move on. He was and still is a good man. He just wasn’t for me. You see, I think a lot like a guy; I’ve tested in the top percentiles in subjects men tend to do better in, such as mechanical comprehension. I enjoy working on my Honda CL360 and watching the Giants kick the Patriots’ asses. But my boyfriend watched football only when the Super Bowl was on–and only when the Steelers were playing. Baseball? Forget it. He wouldn’t even watch the World Series.
At age 36, the age my mother gave birth to me, I decided it was time to consider what she wanted. So I dated–a lot. I had a date almost every week, sometimes two or three in a week. I don’t remember how I met most of those guys, never mind their names. After about six months of this, I started asking my dates, “Can I give you a suggestion?” Then I’d tell them what bugged me about going out with them. I did this as much to help them as to figure out exactly what I was looking for.
All these men were great guys. I saw something endearing in each one, even the guy who didn’t want to hear my suggestion–definitely can’t remember his name. But none of them lit my fire long enough to consider marriage. Relationship, yes. Marriage, no way.
Their grateful responses to my dating suggestions encouraged me to write a book that these great guys would want to read. I researched high and low for issues to write about. I Googled dozens of keywords and read articles six-links deep. In the process I came across a book by clinical psychologist Dr. Alex Avila, LoveTypes: Discover Your Romantic Style and Find Your Soul Mate.
In a nutshell, Dr. Avila says that each of us has one of 16 personality types based on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) that is romantically compatible with another particular personality type. One out of every 100 American women has my personality type. Go figure.
Six out of every 100 American men have the personality type that perfectly matches mine. So that means that six of the last 100 men I dated were my type, right? Not. A man with this personality type marries earlier, and he is compatible with other types besides mine, the types belonging to seventeen out of 100 women. The math = not good for me.
After I learned about the MBTI, how relationships work made more sense to me. It was as though scales had fallen off my eyes. I could see why that good man I was with for four years never rang marriage bells to my ears.
To test Dr. Avila’s theories, I decided to look for my perfect match. I found an abundance of my perfect match at my favorite hangout, the Soho Grand Hotel in New York, but all those men were married. Not so perfect, actually. Then I looked online.
I realized that it’s possible to determine a guy’s MBTI type by examining his online profile. Once in a while, I’d find someone, but he either never responded, was much younger than me, or he was married. Yes, married and dating online. At this point, I just wanted know if Dr. Avila is right. So I wrote to a guy who was married but separated. He wrote back. Twelve emails and two phone calls later, we met. It was eighteen months after breaking up with the Good Man.
The doctor is right. And not only is my now-boyfriend my perfect match, he is also a good man. His story is another blog.
