A Year of Hope – Part 3
(Continued from Part 2.)
For an entire week I neglected my motorcycle. The spark plugs are hard to get to, much like those incognito feelings that haunt us and make us feel lost. It’s because of these plugs my bike wouldn’t start.
I waited to see what James would do. How was his ignition working? Would his motor turn to put his words into motion?
We are ridiculously flawed. It doesn’t matter how together we look on the outside. It’s what’s on the inside that counts.
Our delectable second date at Blue Ribbon Brooklyn was followed by dinner the next night in the same neighborhood at a popular Italian place called Al di La.
Before we went in, James left me at Al di La’s wine bar while he jogged down the street to give an extra $10 to our waiter from the night before. Talk about extra mile.
He returned from his stalwart act.
“Was he there?” I asked.
“He was. He was surprised.”
Naturally. At this point something happened to my heart like a scab had been picked from it, loosening the skin underneath.
Our seating arrangement was unlike the first two dates where we sat adjacent to one another. By this time, however, it didn’t matter how we sat. We were so comfortable with each other that a little food stuck mid-bite was no embarrassment.
He reached his hand midway across the table where mine came to meet his.
“When can you fly out? Are you ready?” he asked.
“Friday, possibly Thursday. My bag is already packed.”
It wasn’t.
Our dinner ended on glasses of tawny port and discourse on the Republican primary.
We drove home.
“Sushi tomorrow?” He wanted to see me as much as possible before leaving town.
I wanted to trust James with all my heart. But I couldn’t. There were still old heart wounds with scabs still on them. Every invitation brought up in me a fear that he would not follow through.
But the next day he surprised me again showing up in the middle of the day while I worked from home. I had become sick with a cold. He didn’t seem to care, except that he didn’t kiss me that day. Then in the evening, he came over again and picked up take out from a nearby sushi restaurant. Four visits in three days.
He was a knight. Or he was over-infatuated.
The following weekend I got my bike running. Those damned spark plugs. To get to them, the fuel lines and gauge get disconnected, the seat and tank removed, and plugs unscrewed. Sure enough, the middle two spark plugs were fouled with wet, black oil. The valve seals were leaking oil into the middle two cylinders.
Troubleshooting an engine that doesn’t start requires a step-by-step analysis. Is the battery charged? Is there fuel in the tank? Does the starter turn? Are there sparks? The Saturday before, my bike reached the fourth question. The answer was no. This was unlike the new relationship on the horizon.
Every day we didn’t see each other, we texted, emailed, or called each other.
I wondered during his travels if he drank a lot. What kind of people he met. If women tried to pick him up. If he tried to pick up women. They were questions that arise with new relationships that are only answered by time, situations, and trust.
One week after our second date, he calls. “What do you think of Mendocino?”
“Sounds great.” I had never been there.
“Will you check out what’s going on there?”
Two hours researching built excitement about ocean cave kayaking, horseback riding on a 10-mile deserted beach, wine tastings, and Mendocino’s crab and wine event. Airbnb advertised the Elk Inn, a perfect oceanside B&B and spa not found on Expedia. I forgot about all the work I had to do that week.
Expectations are what you have when someone else convinces you to plan time out of your busy life.
The next morning he calls. “Are you ready? When can you fly out?”
“Friday. Maybe Thursday. I have to find a dog sitter.”
“How about if we go someplace warmer?”
What if this all fell through? What if I packed my bag, sent the dog to the sitter, and had no ticket?
Tuesday I pull my carry-on down from its storage place and speak to a potential dog sitter. In the evening, still no ticket.
Wednesday we meet the new sitter. Arrangements are set. James texts, “Can you leave Thursday?”
“Yes.” I had moved my schedule around. Wait, Thursday is tomorrow.
With all the effort to plan a trip with a guy I just met, the last thing I would allow is to be left with a packed bag and nowhere to go.
Before riding a motorcycle, I did other dangerous activities like skydiving and skiing double diamond trails. In spite of plenty of invitations, I hadn’t skied in over 20 years. So, I made it my plan B. It was too cold to ride a motorcycle, and the valve seals were leaking.
When you ride a motorcycle, it’s important to have emergency phone numbers and a tool kit at all times. Motorcycle riders are infamously known as organ donors, and their bikes are infamously known to crash or break down. Perhaps this was experience enough to be prepared at all costs.
Wednesday evening arrives. Still no ticket.
Thursday morning the phone rings. It’s him.
Bag packed, I looked back into my apartment and bid farewell to the dirty dishes and piles of paperwork.
On Friday, I arrived at my destination, took care of business, and settled down to watch smiling faces as they laughed with the delight of their day off.
The chairlift carried me into a snow-blurred sky.
I thought about James’ phone call. I had answered. He hung up.
A Year of Hope – Part 2
(Continued from Part 1.)
Mr. Flawless opened the passenger door of his seasoned German convertible coupe. It impressed me that he drove this little vehicle instead of some gas guzzling monster of conspicuous luxury. He dressed casually, again in cashmere but this time no collared shirt. Remembering our first date’s wardrobe mismatch, I had dressed up and donned a silver mink stole my mother bought at a yard sale and a black silk John Varvatos dress from a secondhand shop. He liked it.
We headed toward the middle of Brooklyn reaching a neighborhood densely populated with occupied storefronts, more than half of which were gated shut for the weekend. Neither of us knew where to go.
While I looked for restaurants on Yelp with a rating of at least 4 stars, he checked Zagat’s guide and came across an establishment saying, “Oh, this one has a 27.” I put my phone away. Even with 4 stars, places reviewed on Yelp can still be hit or miss depending on who you want to please. Settling on this dimly lit enclave in the middle of Park Slope, we parked and headed inside.
Blue Ribbon looked like a Saturday night. Fitting for a New Year’s Day evening. In spite of the crowd, James secured a table in a cozy corner with a long view of the rest of the dining room. One thing is certain. We both enjoy the energy of a crowded room.
The day before, my motorcycle wouldn’t start. Missing the beautiful unusually warm weekend before, I didn’t want to miss this opportunity to take a winter ride. Subways on the weekend are to be avoided. Taxi cabs on New Year’s Eve few. Instead my motorless bicycle got me around town. Perhaps the bicycle was a better ride after all, since riding a motorcycle requires 100% attention on the road.
On a bicycle, it’s okay for your mind to wander while riding on paths with no cars. It’s a great way to reflect, think about life, maybe even grow a little wiser.
I thought about James and his confession. According to some psychologists, about two out of 5 men have a tendency to get emotional about romance. Two out of 5 women are less emotional. I’m one of those two. Was I insensitive to ignore “I thought about you all day”? I stopped my bike and texted back. “I thought about you too.” A day later isn’t too late. Or is it?
The rest of my ride that night consisted of thinking about the guy at the New Year’s Eve dinner who asked me out, wondering why my motorcycle wouldn’t start, avoiding stumbling drunks, and feeling happy and sad at the same time. Happy because I can do the quirky silly things I like whenever I want.
Coming across an abandoned and stripped bicycle frame on the sidewalk, I wondered if James would have fun re-purposing forgotten objects with me. This thought made me feel lonely. I tried not to hope too much.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”
-Proverbs 13:12, English Standard Version
At the table, James and I talked and laughed through three courses of dishes paired with a full-bodied Super Tuscan. We had Malpec oysters and Cherrystone clams, roasted endive salad, and lamb shank with sautéed white beans. The wine worked well with all three plates.
Doubts I had about the potential of our relationship melted with every smile and touch. Though not completely.
We got so comfortable in our corner that our legs intertwined under the table.
We spent the rest of the evening at my place, impassioned.
Completely at ease with our spent bodies, we slumped back on the couch. “I want to go someplace warm next weekend. Will you come?” He was leaving for the west coast later that week he said for business. He would be gone for two weeks.
I looked at him wondering how long his infatuation would last. “Sure.” The thought of going someplace warm while New York temperatures dropped below freezing was enough of a lure to not care what happened to our potential.
This wasn’t the first time he mentioned taking me away. During the first date, he alluded to it telling me about his racked up frequent flier miles and “if things work out…”
Whether or not things work out, I try not to hope. Besides, I don’t know what expectations are.
To Be Continued.
A Year of Hope
My last boyfriend and I split up during the holidays of 2010. This past holiday season – and I’m not the only one who felt this – didn’t feel like the holidays at all. I bought 3 gifts for my 3 best girlfriends. No boyfriend, no gifts for family, not even for my dog.
I rode my bicycle after a party in the freezing air on Christmas early morning across the Brooklyn Bridge. There were a handful of pedestrians on the bridge at 3 a.m. and no other bicycles. No tourists! I stopped and took pictures of I-don’t-even-remember, but I do remember feeling happy. I’m single, 40, and happy.
A week later, similar circumstance. New Year’s early morning, just before 3. Several more walkers – or should I say, stumblers – and no other bicycles. One thing was different. I had met someone.
Actually, we met the Friday before Christmas at a party in the home of a warmly hospitable host. Only two degrees of separation. He and I talked about exploring areas of the city, namely Brooklyn, my home. I wasn’t even interested in him during that conversation. But he wanted me to show him Brooklyn, so I decided I would introduce him to my friends’ restaurant. How could I not bring them new business?
I forgot about him by the next day, Christmas Eve.
A few days later, he texted. Darn it, what was his name? Mike? He lol’ed and corrected me in jest. All I could remember was his perfectly formed hair, flawless skin, and clean manicure. Totally not my type. Not for a girl with grease under her fingernails, a six-month old haircut, and unkempt cuticles, not to mention skin blemishes. Still, business for my friends.
When our “date” was about to begin, I hadn’t changed my clothes from work. In fact, I got off my bicycle after a 5-mile commute, and greeted him with a “Hey”. My makeup had not been touched up. My hair was windblown. My clothes were damp with sweat. He looked like he just stepped out of a limo at a Newport, RI mansion. What did he see in me?
First, a drink at a local hangout. Superfine is run by the coolest women who keep the 20th century alive with weekend DJs, bluegrass bands, and occasional burlesque extravaganzas. The food is locally-sourced, except for the California citrus and Hatch, New Mexico green chilies. I ordered a margarita. Better to bear with this man wearing cashmere and an oxford shirt. Certainly is not the guitar slinger nor the geek I usually date.
The drink was followed by dinner at my friends’ place, AlMar, at the bar. Surprisingly, he was okay with sitting at the bar. Personally, it’s a preference when the only seating options are across from each other. Why, when the food is to be savored and enjoyed, should one be distracted by a dining partner’s presence when familiarity and comfort is at a minimum? How self-conscious can a person get with a new date at dinner? No wonder so many people prefer just drinks for a first date. But this wasn’t a date with a prospect in my eyes. Dinner was devoured.
The third place we went to, Jack the Horse Tavern, in my opinion has the best traditionally-mixed cocktails in Brooklyn. By this point, after he disdainfully refused my inquisitive financial contribution, it was with pleasure to bring him here. Not because he was paying, but because showing him great places was the least I could do to as a courtesy.
Fortunately, on this last Thursday of 2011, he surprised me once again.
Granted, by this time we each had had a cocktail and a half bottle of wine. In spite of the reduced judgment ability, his conversation locked my attention to the point where words flowed from my mouth without the need to edit. I can’t remember the last time I sat with someone with this conversation ease. We talked about our post-9-11 experiences, our families’ highlights (or dysfunctions), travel destinations, and things our fanciful drinks reminded us of. The more we talked, the easier it became to see our similarities and reconcile our differences.
He walked me home. I didn’t need to be drunk to kiss him.
The next day he sent a text. “Last night exceeded my expectations.” Expectations? What are those? I tried not to think about a possible future with this atypical date. It’s pretty easy to do that when you can think of all the reasons why it would not work out.
Early New Year’s morning I rode my bike with hope. The memory of this man would not go away. If anything, he gave me a glimpse into a different life. Fifteen hours later, I answered the phone to, “When should I pick you up?”
To Be Continued.
New Year’s Dating Resolutions
Was 2011 a tough year for romance? Or for other reasons? Loneliness can be our biggest enemy especially when accompanied by heart-wrenching conflicts. You know, the ones that get us begging to an unseen being, or asking, “WHY?” Whether the struggle is within relationships or fighting through life’s challenges, there is nothing like loneliness to force us to feel the pain.
Fortunately, we can also triumph over loneliness either by learning to be comfortable alone or by finding companionship.
Television producer, Tamara Duricka Johnson, triumphed by the latter method, which she shares in her new book, 31 Dates in 31 Days. The title explains. In the new year following her 31st birthday, Tamara (rhymes with camera) would have 31 dates, one date every day for 31 days.
Can you imagine having a date with a different person every day for a month? Most of us probably don’t have the energy to do it. But it became Tamara’s mission in her quest to answer, “Why am I still single?!” (Note that the question wasn’t, “Where is my future husband?”)
Make a resolution count
If you’re in the habit of making new years’ resolutions, you’ve likely failed to keep at least some of them.
Resolutions should resolve something, such as a problem. Maybe one of the reasons why so many people give up on diet or weight resolutions, is because diet and weight are not really problems unless they are causing life-threatening conditions, like heart disease or diabetes. Of course, there’s prevention, but unless there’s a real reason to change something, why change?
An effective resolution requires a willingness to change. Without that willingness, nothing will change. Unfortunately, it’s too easy to get comfortable, be lackadaisical, or not really care. Hence, unwillingness.
To make a resolution really count, do this:
- Quit complaining
- Desire change
- Write attainable goals
The aim is resolution. In other words, you must become resolved about whatever the issue is. In the case of loneliness, the aim could be to either become content with being alone, or find companionship.
Tamara wasn’t about learning to be alone, but she was willing to learn to be that way. She made a plan, designated dating rules, then put out the word about her “project”. At the very least she would learn something even if she didn’t find companionship.
So how do you make a resolution that actually resolves?
First of all, you have to want to become resolved, or want change. If you don’t really want to change anything, then don’t bother trying. But if you do really want change, the key is in your goals. And goals need aim.
Aim vs. goal
A soccer player doesn’t score a goal without aim. When he aims, the goal cage is the focus. Not having aim puts the ball in any direction. Making goals is nearly impossible without aim.
Tamara’s aim was to conquer loneliness. Her goal: go on 31 dates in 31 days.
It’s much easier to attain goals, when your aim is clear. And it’s much easier to reach goals when they are attainable. For example, a goal of losing 20 pounds can be exciting at first, but it can get taxing when you’re 18 pounds away. Make the aim 20 pounds and the goal losing 1 pound per week. (Then remember the weeks will be up and down.) Or make the aim having more energy.
The dating resolution
If you want to change your dating life for the better, make your aim clear, and set attainable goals.
The following table lists some examples of aims and goals.
| Aim
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Goal
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Whatever your resolution, set fun goals. Your life should have quality, so don’t make yourself miserable.
For inspiration, read Tamara’s book available in bookstores or on Amazon. It’s funny and insightful, and gives an inside look at her joys, despairs, and triumphs. For more about Tamara’s project, visit 31datesin31days.com.
A Video About Being Alone
This video by Andrea Dorfman and poet/singer/songwriter, Tanya Davis, came out in 2010, but it seems to be making its rounds on the interweb. I thought it would be great to share it here during this holiday season.
Ten years after 9-11, this is difficult holiday season for many, including myself having lived one mile away from the World Trade Center, volunteering at a local hospital, then losing my job months later because of chronic bronchitis developed by breathing the black dust that came into my apartment even when the windows were closed.
In spite of the hardships, being alone is one thing I’ve learned to be content with and even cherish at times. It makes meeting people and building relationships beyond priceless. Maybe it’s because of life’s challenges that makes me appreciate being alone. It’s part of a growth process that occurs when we surrender to the tears that come from facing those challenges. It’s not easy to learn, but how amazing when it is learned.
Enjoying being alone is like a gift, and I would love to share it. But how do you share it? This video can’t be a better way.
Tanya has a book of poetry, At First, Lonely, available on Indigo.ca.
Thank you Andrea and Tanya. This is beautiful.
Happy holidays.
Is Your Magic Criteria List Killing Your Online Dating Pool?
If you’ve had a hard time finding true love by scouting in a crowded, smoky bar, maybe you’ve come to the conclusion that the reason you’re still single is because no one you’ve met is good enough.
You’re tired of the bar scene, and you’re ready to try your hand at online dating - with the theory that you’ll be able to find someone who IS good enough, and fulfills the long list of criteria you’re looking for.
There are some common criteria that men and women use when they start searching the pool of singles in any online dating site, such as:
- Attraction. How attractive is attractive enough for you? A “seven”? An “’eight”?
- Intelligence. No one wants an unintelligent date who struggles to carry a conversation.
- Success. You’re not looking for a married-to-his- or her- career CEO or anything, but you want someone who has something going on, who’s not a dog walker living in Mom’s basement.
You probably even have more specific criteria. Maybe you’re a woman who only wants a guy who is at least three inches taller than you or practices the same religion as you. Maybe she absolutely must live within a ten mile radius fit within a very specific age range. Or maybe he or she must be thinking of marriage at some point… Or, not at all.
Don’t get me wrong; there’s nothing bad about having standards. But if you have one rule that says “I’m not interested in matches that aren’t X,” and keep compounding rule after rule after rule, you’re eliminating swarms of potentially interesting dates. Many of them are people you’d really get along with if you magically ran across them in that crowded bar without knowing whether or not they fit your magical list of ‘good-enough’ criteria.
Even if we just take the three criteria above that singles often use and sample 100 Match.com profiles, chances are the number of people you’ll come back with that will meet your criteria can be counted on one hand. Of that very limited pool, you then have to find one that you’ll actually click with in real life, and one who’ll like you just as much as you like that person! And some people wonder why it’s so hard to find love online…
Not only does the other person have to meet your criteria AND like you back, you also have to meet that person’s criteria, which are probably not all that different from yours. You think you’re a dateable person, right? You’re intelligent, above-average looking, and reasonably successful. You feel like you’ve got a lot to offer. Unfortunately, just because you’re great doesn’t mean amazing matches will magically find you, especially when you think that none of them are good enough.
Am I telling you to lower your standards? Absolutely not. But the bottom line is that you have to cast your net wide if you want to find enough dateable people. You also have to be willing to put yourself out there. Ladies, are you really going to exclude a handsome, interesting guy because he makes $47k a year instead of $50k? Would you exclude an interesting and good-looking guy that you met at a bar and really hit it off with just because he’s 5’9” instead of 5’10”? Of course not!
If you’re using a measuring stick that doesn’t go up or down, be prepared to spend a lot of time sitting in front of your computer searching for your one perfect match while the others are out there dating tons of attractive singles that aren’t perfect, but pretty damn close to it.
The whole point of online dating is to weed through the masses for some people who fulfill your ‘basic’ criteria, so that you can meet them in person and quickly discover whether or not the chemistry is there. That’s it.
Even with a small checklist, online dating can feel like a part-time job if you really want to meet a lot of hot singles in your area. If you’d like an extra hand, you can hire the company Virtual Dating Assistants, and their team can help you lock down some great dates in no time. If you prefer to do it all yourself but would like some killer tips that will give you an unfair advantage over the “competition,” you can check out their Top 10 Online Dating Tips here.
How to Ruin Your First Date
First dates can be pretty awful, no matter how great the connection is. You’re stressed about what to wear (casual or dressy?), you’re stressed about when to show up (early, on time, or fashionably late?), you’re stressed about who’s going to pay (do you go dutch?), you’re just plain stressed (how did you get talked into this again?!). As if that weren’t enough, there are a thousand and a half things that could go wrong before, during and after the date, and you’re overanalyzing brain has thought of all of them. There are a few ways you can guarantee that a first date will be ruined though, no overanalyzing involved.
1. You stay glued to your phone the whole time
There’s no better way to show you’re not interested then by continually checking your phone and sending texts updating your best friend on how everything is going. Not putting your phone on silent and answering calls during dinner is another good way to solidify that you care more about what’s going on with your friends then your date. Oh, wait – you were interested in your date?
2. You’re already planning your second date, and your drinks haven’t even arrived yet
Hello Mr. or Miss Way Too Forward. Coming off as way too interested too soon is a great way to end a date quickly. What says deal breaker more than someone who is overly clingy and desperate within the first hour of meeting them?
3. You spend the whole night bragging about yourself
If desperate and clingy weren’t enough, arrogant and self-absorbed should seal the deal as far as ruining a first date goes. So when in doubt, just talk yourself up incessantly.
4. You leave your wallet at home
Nothing says “don’t date me” like being unprepared. It doesn’t matter if you’re the guy or the girl, not having any money on you makes you look cheap or like you’re fishing for them to pay entirely, especially if you were supposed to go dutch, or one of you was going to pay for drinks and the other dinner.
5. You complain the entire time
The bread is stale. You’re water glass needs to be refilled. This food sucks. You’d rather be doing (insert whatever). Welcome to the date, Negative Nancy or Negative Norman. Everyone likes a little negativity – right?
It’s hard enough these days to find someone that you spark with, and highlighting your worst qualities just makes it that much harder. Then again, who likes first dates anyway? It’s not like they’re completely necessary to start a new relationship or anything…
Author Bio
Mary Edwards is one of the contributors and editors for BestDatingSites.org. She is passionate about thought leadership writing, regularly contributes to various career, social media, public relations, branding, and parenting and online dating community. She can be reached at edwardsmary936 AT gmail.com.
Texas Hold ‘Em Pick Up Strategies
Getting a good hand might take luck, but it takes skill to play a good game.
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Know what’s in your hand
There is no absolute formula for a good pickup. It’s probability. Like estimating the probability of a winning hand from your pocket cards, your chances for a good pickup can be determined from your target’s position relative to yours and the person’s body language.
If your target is right next to you and his or her body turns toward you, it’s like having a pair of aces. But that doesn’t mean you’ll win the hand. There might be an opponent on the dealer/target’s other side who’s already been dealt a straight. Sometimes you have to maneuver for a better position – e.g., consider the other player’s bet, call, wait for the dealer, then raise.
Sometimes maneuvering gives you a better perspective of your odds. You can bluff your opponent, wait for the river card, and win the hand.
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You can’t judge a pokerface
An experienced poker player probably won’t hint what’s in his or her hand when the flop is dealt. But if you look at the player’s feet, according to Joe Navarro’s What Every Body is Saying, it’s easier to tell if he or she is nervous. Active feet are happy. Feet pointed toward the door speak nerves.
Similarly, your date might not reveal true feelings in his or her face. For example, if he or she looks away after you’ve made eye contact, he/she might be shy or simply unprepared. But if his/her feet are turned toward you, chances are there’s interest.
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“If you ‘buy-in’ cheap, don’t expect a big ‘pay-out.’”
This one, applying to the guys more than women, comes from The Winner’s Guide to Dating (What I Learned about Love and Sex from Playing Texas Hold ‘em), a cool illustrated book of one-liners by New Yorker Randall Klitz. This particular tip refers to going on a date. Dinner at Mickey D’s probably won’t seduce a girl as much as Au-Trendy-Hot-Spot.
But if you’re a really good pickup artist, you don’t even have to plan a date to get laid. Sometimes, one drink at a bar is enough. Though, if you want beauty and brains, don’t go to dives unless you want to lower your probability for a win.
What Not to Do on a First Date
You know from first hand experience a lot of things you should and shouldn’t do the first time you go out with someone. Of course people do things that you have no control over that they probably need to pull the reins on. These include, but are not limited to, blatantly trying to determine if you’re “marriage material”, get close and cuddly too soon, trying to figure out how much money or debt you have, being self-centered, lying, and complaining.
But this isn’t about what others do. It’s about what you do. So, let’s get started.
Don’t over-think.
Here are a two things that can happen as a result of over-thinking that can ruin a perfectly good potential relationship:
- Assuming that one thing your date says means what you think it means. You may want to clarify before you jump off the love boat.
- Dwelling on a small detail. Get over it. It’s one little thing amidst a complex being. If you keep doing this you may never get a second date.
Don’t be a coward
Here are some examples of things your date might talk about that you really shouldn’t be scared of:
- A health issue.
As long as your date doesn’t go into detail about his or her health problem without you asking about it, and he/she’s not near death, there’s really no reason other than lack of interest not to try a second date – unless you’re a spineless loser.
- What he or she wants out of a relationship.
So what if your date doesn’t want to waste time. Don’t make a big deal out of someone stating what he or she wants. Of course there is inappropriate behavior such as crying a lot or having a crazy look in the eyes. That, of course, might be reason to run. In either case, don’t freak out. Just gently let your date know that it’s too soon to discuss those kind of details. As long as a person is matter-of-fact about what he or she wants, talking about relationship hopes is not out of line.
- His or her shrink.
A lot of people see therapists. Why should it not a deal-breaker? Really good, deep, emotionally-bonded friendships are not easy to come by. Women and men need to be able to talk about their feelings. Generally therapists are simply people who are paid to listen to our emotional vomit. (Boy, does it feel good afterward.)
Everything in moderation, of course. If your date has a difficult time getting off a topic, like a previous relationship or a childhood story, that’s another issue altogether.
Sometimes people are simply too nervous to be themselves. If you never get nervous, you’re not human. Don’t forget that it’s very easy to put your foot in your mouth or do things you wouldn’t normally do especially when you like someone. Have some grace for cryin’ out loud!
What you can do on a first date
If something your date says bugs you, have the person elaborate. Even if the subject has changed, you can say something like, “I’m sorry, but you mentioned…What exactly did you mean by that?…” This is especially important if you tend to jump to conclusions.
And if you really want a companion and not a one-nighter, don’t try to have sex on the first date. Okay? And if things just get too steamy, well, I hope you both will agree with the outcome.
It’s also okay to call after the date and clarify what was said or to let the person know if you’re not interested. Then you politely say Thank you and Goodbye. Then change your number. Just kidding…mostly.
The topic of this post was inspired by Rachel Greenwald’s Have Him At Hello. Not bad, this book.
How to Meet Girls
The most important tip anyone could ever give you in regard to meeting Ladies: This is seriously your foundation and you will need to stay focused. Females are mostly attracted by self confidence and in turn – they are completely turned off by the lack of it. Your facial expression will get you started or shut you down instantly. If your expression is one of sadness or blank, negative or anything besides what I’m about to share then you’ve lost before you even entered the room. Girls will smell the failure or success in a guy long before they are even approached. And, this is important to remember, you don’t have to be financially successful to beat out the guys who are. Money gives a guy an edge when used correctly but it’s the not the money that gets the babes unless it’s a hooker or gold digger. Don’t get me wrong about this – having some money is very important if a relationship is what you want because women/girls are looking for security when it comes to relationships.
Getting started:
Here is what you have to do – some homework. Practice what I’m about to share as much as possible until you get your best at this. Your facial expression needs to be self confident and a little happy. You don’t even have to be smiling but i do recommend a slight smile or a slightly happy face. Depending on your mood and type of day you are having – this may not be apparent unless you are consciously making it happen.
If you are not a very self confident person and most people are not then think of something you are good at – anything at all. If you’re real good at throwing horse shoes (or whatever else you can think of – anything) – use it to create that confident look on your face. Stand in front of a mirror and think about what ever it is that you are good at or something that you enjoy very much and practice that confident and slightly happy look. What I am explaining will help you at work too – it will help with most things you do that involve others – for example, if you hate your boss – you better start practicing this immediately or you might lose your job because your boss will see the hate in your eyes and in your body language. Your face projects how you feel about yourself and how you feel about yourself is how others are going to feel about you! When you think you have it mastered, practice it while looking into someone’s eyes and keep doing this until you can look into a girl’s eyes and maintain that look. Think about it -
Projecting confidence is crucial and it’s the single most important thing you can do.
So practice “the face” and before you walk through a door – have that face on before you enter the room.
There’s a fine line between a confident face and an arrogant face – so you don’t want to over do it either. Having said that – you are better off looking slightly arrogant than looking like a loser or a failure.
Now project confidence -
This is your single the biggest ticket to get in.
Remember, if you are not a confident person use the trick of thinking about something you are good at, it can be anything……..
FREE TIPS to meet girls
by Tom Gurda
