Get hitched? Check…
My high school English teacher once told the class how he met his wife. The girls in the class had convinced him to tell the story after word got out that it was unique. He went on to tell us how he was at a church function sitting next to a girl he had never met before. His parents approached, and assuming she was with him, asked, “who’s she?” The girl turned around to see who had spoken, and my teacher jokingly told his parents, “oh her? That’s the girl I’m going to marry.” He then struck up a conversation with her and several years later, they were married.
Stories like that used to be the norm in our society. Some chance encounter leads to a relationship that withstands the test of time. Yet why have we become so scared of such encounters? Today, it’s easier than ever to fall into the trap of modern dating. You know, the trap of online sites, singles gatherings, and blind dates. It seems like most people have just added “get hitched” to their checklist of things they want to accomplish, and they don’t really care how it is achieved.
Personally, I think this is sad. The intrigue of the unknown fuels romance so well, and that just can’t be simulated over a broadband connection to eHarmony. What sites like that offer is a lazy way to meet people so you can cross of “get hitched” on your list of to-do’s and move on to the next thing. I see this over and over again, especially as acquaintances get older. They go from finding a new job, to finding someone to marry, to buying a house, to having kids, all because it’s on the list and not necessarily because things just happened that way. Plus, we’re not getting any younger, right? The chances that something magical is going to happen only decreases with time, after all…
Civilization survived for thousands of years before the Internet, which means that people must have found each other and procreated. To me, that’s proof positive that online dating isn’t necessary. The only time limit on your romantic life is the one you impose on it – and people sadly seem to do that, too. If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, I’ll just marry the first nice guy I come across. It doesn’t sound bad, except for that poor nice guy that doesn’t realize he hit the lottery rather than having a real match.
More and more, we’re encouraging people to get further away from genuine social encounters. Learning how to talk to and meet new people is an important life skill, not just for dating, but for business, friendship, and any number of reasons. The more social you are, the more of a life you have, the more support you have, and the more fun you have. If you want to get married, that’s fine, but why not put some effort into the social part of your life? You may just find that the person to marry shares the same interests and is too busy to post a profile online. Don’t just cross something off of your life’s to-do list, really make it happen.
A Video Story
Some of you know about my upcoming book, AlphaDog, Get The Bitch You Want. In preparing for the book’s launch, I’ve made a little six-minute movie. Click the picture to watch it. Enjoy!
A still from the final scene of an AlphaDog story.
Rock on!
Wing Girl Kim
There Are Worse Things I Could Do
“There are worse things I could do,
Than go with a boy or two.
Even though the neighborhood thinks I’m trashy,
And no good,
I suppose it could be true,
But there are worse things I could do.
I could flirt with all the guys,
Smile at them and bat my eyes.
Press against them when we dance,
Make them think they stand a chance,
Then refuse to see it through.
That’s a thing I’d never do.
I could stay home every night,
Wait around for Mr. Right.
Take cold showers every day,
And throw my life away,
On a dream that won’t come true.
I could hurt someone like me,
Out of spite or jealousy.
I dont steal and I dont lie,
But I can feel and I can cry.
A fact I’ll bet you never knew.
But to cry in front of you,
That’s the worse thing I could do.”
Yes, I apparently like to start off blog entries with songs, and I’m going to refer to other songs throughout this post so be prepared! ”Yes, our teeth & ambitions are bared. Be prepared!” See?
I recently took a ”Which Female Grease Character Are You?” quiz on Facebook and my result was *drumroll* Rizzo. I actually wasn’t surprised. I also took a “Which Sex & the City Character Are You?” quiz and got Samantha Jones. Also not surprising. I’ve always identified the most with the female character who has the most sex because they’re also usually the most confident, outspoken, uninhibited, and daring. But they’re also the most misjudged.
What word comes to mind when you think of these characters? Floozies? Players? Manizers? Dare I say it – Whores?
I think that Rizzo gets a bad rap in Grease. She’s known as the “town bicycle” who messes around with all the neighborhood boys. She’s sexually experienced at a time when the innocence of Sandra Dee is celebrated. I think that Samantha is the more socially accepted sexually-empowered woman of the two. She’s “try-sexual” (she’ll try anything sexual), makes just as much money as the men in her field, and also plays that field quite well or even better. Yet stuck at the back of everyone’s minds is still the notion that women who enjoy sex or tend to have multiple partners (in Samantha’s case, she is not relationship-centric) are emotionally unstable, easy, or cootie-magnets.
Why should you be emotionally unstable if you don’t want to be in a committed relationship but still want to enjoy sex? Why should you be considered easy when you have a one-night stand (and it takes TWO to tango, so your partner is equally as guilty)? Why should you be viewed as a cootie-magnet if you are smart about your sexual encounters and use protection and get regular STI screenings? Why is it that you’re considered less classy than, say, a Charlotte York or a Sandra Dee just because you like to get jiggy?
Compare your initial thoughts of Rizzo & Samantha Jones to these male characters: Casanova. James Bond. Both men are sexually promiscuous, but they’re considered legends & heroes. What’s the deal?
Sing it, Christina Aguilera:
“If you look back in history
It’s a common double standard of society
The guy gets all the glory, the more he can score
While the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore.”
Break it down, Lil’ Kim:
“Check it – Here’s something I just can’t understand
If the guy have three girls, then he’s the man
He can either give us some head, sex her off
If the girl do the same, then she’s a whore.”
Ugh. Sick, sick, sick. I hate that double standard.
I will admit it: I enjoy sex. In fact, I like it a lot. I’m uninhibited and adventurous in bed. I’ve had a fair amount of sexual partners but not an exorbitant amount. But I’m not a whore. While I’ve engaged in the occasional one-night stand, I do prefer to have my sex within the confines of a monogamous relationship. I feel that it builds trust and passion for a partner, not to mention that it’s safer in more ways than one. But I even enjoy it while I’m single and casually dating because: 1) I like it & 2) I am smart about it.
Which brings me to my most recent sexual encounter. I hit it off something great with this guy whom I met online. We exchanged several e-mails, had several phone conversations, and then went out on a date. He seemed like a serious and genuine guy, and I could tell that he was totally digging me. I was really liking him so, contrary to the usual Kristine who rips off men-she-like’s shirts with reckless abandon, I was trying to keep my pants on. I’m a cheap date in that it doesn’t take much alcohol for me to feel a buzz, but I never try to be a CHEAP date. Then…Oops. My bad. I had one too many rum & cokes and ended up sleeping with him on the first night. Damnit, Kristine. Didn’t I say to keep it in your pants so as not to give off the wrong impression? But he seemed like he genuinely still liked me even after we started to get down. Mid-sex, he said, “Can we go out on a ‘real’ date after this one? I’d like to get to know you and not just in the biblical sense.” I love how “real” date means not-involving-drinking & not-involving-sex, but it was nice to know that he wanted to see me again. And then he also asked me, “What do you want out of this?” which was really awkward as he was mid-thrust. Let’s say I didn’t quite know how to respond, so I did not respond at all (Sorry, I had to throw in a little double entendre action in there). However, in my profile and during our phone conversations I had stated that I was looking for a serious relationship, so I thought that my lack of coherent answer was covered at the moment. Despite a pleasant morning-after, he never called me back nor did he respond to a text I’d later sent him. We had also been chatting via instant message online, and he was not responding to my various attempts at conversation. I saved myself a bit of pride by not directly calling him on the phone since I’d done a little bit of cyber-stalking by checking to see when he’d last been on the dating site. Four days after the deed and his profile read “Activity within 24 Hours.” It appears he’d moved on to someone who was “more serious about relationships” and probably deleted that message I’d sent him on the dating site. Fail. Date fail.
But this is where it gets annoying. Men seem to think that just because I like to have fun early on that I cannot be serious. Look: I’m of the mind that you should test drive a vehicle before you buy it. And everyone’s got different requirements for horsepower and performance. My Prius could be your SUV. So for me, it sometimes gets hard to date people, especially when things get sexual. I could spend 4 great non-sexual dates with you and then on the 5th date find out that we’re completely sexually incompatible. And it’s not wrong to have sexual compatibility as a requirement for a successful relationship.
Then I’ve gone on a few dates with people where our personalities click and then we hit the sack and all hell breaks loose because they can’t seem to trust me based on the kind of sex we’re having. I’ve been asked (mid-sex, mind you…yes, I engage in a lot of mid-sex conversations) “You seem like you have done a lot of this. Are you sure you’ve only slept with (Insert Number Here) amount of people?” ”Uhm, you seem like you are having way too much fun. Are you sure you’re clean?” (I had a guy get up and leave during the middle of sex because he was afraid I was “unclean.” What am I? A prostitute in Gomorrah? And dude, you’ve already put it in me. Did you feel a vagina dentata down there or something?) ”You are a bit too much for me. I had a different impression of you than this.” (So apparently I look like a missionary as opposed to a reverse cowgirl. It must be the glasses.) Wham, bam, thank-you ma’am. And I don’t get a phone call the next day, which completely boggles my mind despite the fact that I KNOW they were having fun during the act. I actually got an answer from a guy who went MIA who told me that he didn’t trust me or what kind of person I was based on our sexual encounter. REALLY? You’re judging me because I’m uninhibited/not what you thought I’d be like in bed?
I think that women should be able to have sex as often as they want and in the way that they want and when they want, just as any person should, without the fear of stigma — as long as they’re smart about it. Yet the fact still remains that woman have to deal with more consequences than men. We’re the ones who are more likely to get the STI while men are more likely to transmit it without experiencing any symptoms. We’re the ones who are left to hold our breaths every month and be glad that our period came. We’re usually the ones who wonder why that great guy ditched us, which causes us to doubt our actions and ourselves. It seems like we get twice the amount of responsibility but half the amount of the fun that men do when it comes to sex.
I know that people say that you should give off a good impression by keeping it in your pants until Date # (Insert Number Here). I know that people say that you should keep an element of mystery about you and prolong the time between dates to (Insert Number Here) days. But I was never one of those people. I like to be straightforward and direct. If I like you, I like you. If I want to do you, I’ll do you. If I seem interesting to you, then you’ll continue to be excited by me no matter how many times we go out or how many times we have sex. If you want to see me, you will make it happen. I would like to think that you know enough of my personality and what type of woman I am to know that I can be trusted and should be respected. But don’t hold the fact that I don’t play the traditional dating game against me. Or the fact that I like walking around with no pants. I can only be myself.
There are worse things I could do.
Airport non-pickup
I had seen her walking around in the terminal prior to getting into the gate. She looked like a model: tall, thin, long dark hair, rock star sunglasses, jean shorts that went to her knees, and pink high heels. I must say, she was quite striking and pretty close to my definition of “hot.” I’ll also admit that I was a bit intimidated. The whole look was impressive and made her look quite important. I admired from afar as I waited for my chicken caesar salad.
I typically have very crappy luck when it comes to seat neighbors on planes, so typically seeing a cute girl sets off a bell in my head that I must speak to her before the plane takes off because I’ll likely be sat next to an older gentleman with gas or a productive cough. This time, I was feeling particularly tired and just decided to lay back (breaking my own resolution). I went through the security checkpoint and didn’t see her again. Oh well.
When I got to my seat on the plane, I was seated next to a nice newlywed couple who were on their way to Hawaii. I had some nice conversation with the husband (the wife had fallen instantly to sleep) about Hawaii and then we started to talk about what we did for work, normal banter for a plane. Then I saw her again, walking right towards me. Pink heels flashing, she sat in the seat right across the aisle from me. I caught her eye and said, “hi,” to which she politely responded before trying to arrange her long legs into the tiny seating area.
Throughout the flight, I kept waiting for an opportunity to start a conversation. She had kept her sunglasses on the whole time so it was impossible to tell if she was sleeping or not. She also had immediately put her iPod headphones into her ears, making it impossible to just start a conversation without getting her attention. I waited and waited. One hour went by, then two. Finally, I realized I’d have to do something obvious and just stick my neck out there if I were to keep my agreement with myself to at least approach every attractive girl I see.
Immediately I was darting around, looking for a topic to bring up, trying to figure out a clever way to start the conversation. Finally, I took a good look at her iPod and realized it was a bit older. I thought it was perhaps one of the discontinued iPod Minis. That was it.
“Excuse me,” I said, tapping on her tray table. She pulled her earphones out, “just curious, is that an iPod Mini?”
We talked for the next hour, all the way up until the plane landed. I learned all about her. She’s a law school student with one year left though she’s not really excited about the law anymore. She’s in the Bay Area visiting her parents and then going to Las Vegas with some friends to celebrate her birthday before heading back to school. She grew up in Hawaii and only left when she went to school. I explained a little about my work and what I do, as well.
I started to kid her about the sunglasses (which were still on this entire time) and she revealed that she had damaged her eyelids due to sun exposure in Hawaii, so normal light seemed very bright to her. She wears sunglasses by default now, she said, to avoid doing any further damage to them. It also turns out that she finds her pink high heels to be very comfortable and that, along with their matching a pattern on her shirt, was why she was wearing them.
The only thing left was to ask her out. It might seem pointless to do so since she was just visiting the area, but I would have kicked myself for not trying. I asked if she might be interested in coming down to Silicon Valley for a tour. She very quickly said, “no.” I laughed at the look of disgust on her face, “I just really have no desire to go there.”
“No worries,” I said, “I thought I’d extend the invite in the off chance that you might be interested.”
“Thanks,” she said, “but I have so little time here as it is, I really need to see my parents and my friends, and I don’t want to disappoint them.”
“Understood,” I replied, “it was very nice meeting you, have a good trip.”
I walked away feeling slightly disappointed but mostly satisifed at how far I had made it into the pickup progression with this girl. There was a point in time when I could not have spoken to a girl such as her, but now, I did it with little trouble. And even though I didn’t get to go out with her, I really appreciated her bluntness when I attempted it. To be sure, I had no intention of starting a long-distance relationship, but you never know around which corners happiness may lie.
(By the way, you can now follow me on Twitter at @zack_taylor).
Meeting women not online
If you want to increase your chances of meeting someone suitable for you, bars are not ideal places. Yet time and time again, when I hang out with guys to be their wing, they just want to go to bars to meet women! It’s one thing to meet a person and click with her on levels deeper than physical attraction. But at a bar, the risks are obvious. How? Well, let’s see. Chances are, you’re inebriated and she’s inebriated. You both will be looking good. It’s an almost guaranteed recipe for a relationship that’s going to end abruptly, or painfully if it lasts long enough. Life-long? Not likely. I haven’t met one couple who met at a bar who are still in love after a few years. I’m sure there are exceptions. Please write to me if you know of one.
I don’t think meeting a woman at a bar is completely fruitless. Nor do I think every relationship started at a bar will end tragically. I mean, you could meet a cool girl at bar if, let’s say, you’re a regular and know enough about the people who frequent the place. Or, there might be a bar you know about that fills up with people who have the same type of personality as you.
Regardless of where you meet people, I believe every relationship we have can teach us things that we can’t learn any other way. The most important aspect of where and how you meet people is the potential to have one of the most important components necessary for a deep, meaningful relationship—trust.
In the past, it was more common for guys to date girls they already knew. Girls were friends of the family, grown up in the same neighborhood, familiar from church or school. Because there were already things a dating guy and girl knew about each other, they had a level of trust already established. If you’re presently interested in someone you’ve known for a long time, then you’re already ahead in figuring out if she’s suitable for you. In that case, you can apply some tenacity and keep working on a possible relationship.
Most men in happy long-term relationships met their partners in familiar places such as at school, work, or a friend’s home. To begin with, the connections between people automatically have lower degrees of separation. School and work are obvious situations where there is a degree of trust-built familiarity. A party would be where you often hear or say, how do you know so-and-so? (Easy conversation starter.) Having that common personal connection already gives some clues about what a person is like.
Networking events could be a helpful resource, though the connections between people are based more on acquaintanceship or business rather than friendship. But you might find the woman of your dreams there, especially if she’s a networking queen. Maybe she’s in sales or owns a business. Automatic points for her in my opinion. Who doesn’t like a working girl?
The easiest way to connect with someone is to have something to connect, such as an interest—a.k.a. having something in common. Any place that has shelves of items catering to different interests is a great location where you might find a single woman. Women are everywhere.
Stores provide you with lots of objects with which you can start a conversation. One of my personally favorite stores to browse around is a hardware store. I get a kick out of meeting guys in hardware stores who don’t know what they’re looking for. I mean, I own power tools and build stuff, so I usually know what I’m talking about. I know I can be intimidating that way, but I get a laugh out of it. It sucks though when I get into a conversation with some cute clueless guy in the hardware store, but he obviously is not going to ask for my phone number. (Don’t prejudge me. I give out my cards without prompting.)
It’s easy to meet anyone anywhere as long as you are aware of at least something in common with the person you are meeting. Let’s say you order a roast beef sandwich at the deli. A woman, next in line, also orders a roast beef sandwich. You can tell by the way she orders the sandwich that it’s for her. She pensively thinks about what she wants on the sandwich besides the meat. She asks for a hoagie, and you wonder if she’s going to eat the whole thing. You have a whole list of conversation starters. “I’m a carnivore too.” “You put a lot of thought into your sandwich.” “Are you going to eat that whole thing by yourself?” (Use these as pickup lines if you want, but the more spontaneous, the more persuasive.)
Even better if you see this person more than once. Let’s say you go to the deli and order your sandwich at noon. Every day, or so, you see the same woman buying something at the counter. You will know more about that woman by observing her than you would know about someone you see only once. You have an advantage if you’re buying a sandwich every day at the same place; that place is within your comfort zone. Opening your mouth to say something isn’t much farther. Say, “Hi,” if you don’t know what else to say. Then next time you can say, “How are you?” She might be a girl you recognize from that bar where you go for Happy Hour after work. That gives you one more thing to talk about.
If you have trouble talking to strangers, the most important thing to remember when you are out and about, seemingly minding your own business, is that single women everywhere want to be met. They want you to say, “Hi.” They want someone to speak to them. Even if you don’t get a date, talk to her.
A guy named Bob rode the New York City subway every morning at 8:30 to go to work. One day he got on and noticed a cute girl sitting not too far away. Another day, he got on at the same time and saw the same girl. This time he noticed she was reading a newspaper article about the arts. Bob, an artist, started thinking more about her. He even tried to talk about art out loud with his friend hoping she would overhear. She didn’t. One day he had a short conversation with her and learned her name was Mary. Months went by until finally his neighbor said, “Bob, don’t let today go by without asking Mary out!” He got to the subway platform a little early that morning. A train was in the station. He looked in the subway car; didn’t see the girl. Nervous as all heck, he waited for the next train to arrive. Getting on, he sees her. By the time this day came around, he had observed and put together little clues about her. Name: Mary. Interest: Art. Work: 9 to 5 in Manhattan off the F train line. Armed with determination, he got close enough to start a conversation with “Hi”. Thank heaven she smiled back. He invited her to an art opening, and they exchanged phone numbers. Not too long after, they were married.
The consistency in Bob’s schedule enabled him to use the subway as an opportunity to get to know Mary enough to build a healthy interest. It’s certainly not a typical place to meet someone, yet under the circumstances it was ideal. Already, the morning commute revealed two things they had in common: they both had 9 to 5 jobs, and they both stuck to their morning schedules. By observation, he found another commonality: that she was interested in art. Thinking she was cute was the icing.
Other things to consider if going somewhere to meet someone are personal style, socioeconomics, tastes, hobbies. Really anywhere you go, or hang out, is a viable location for meeting women. It’s what you do that makes the difference.
What Means the World To You?
Diamond rings? Shiny things?
What means the world to you?
Religion? Sex? Politics?
What means the world to you?
Height, humor, honesty?
What means the world to you?
Ladies (Ho!) Fellas (Ow!)
After sifting through about a million different online profiles, I start to wonder if my standards are set too high. I’ve got an account on Match because my friends tell me that my standards were set too low from having surfed the free personals listings on Craigslist. After going out with many a mardy bum date and recently escaping a failed long-term relationship, my gal pals told me that I should quit with the Craigslist and actually invest some money into a dating account. After all, the people on there are paying to find someone, which I guess means that they can at least afford an account?
Well, the BFF’s personally approved my profile, which of course is quite verbose and somewhat scary to read for the male looking to casually date. (Monogamy? A serious relationship? What?) But at the same time it’s good because it shows people who I am, who I’m ideally looking for, and weeds out the deadbeats who aren’t up for the challenge that is me. And, boy, am I a challenge. Especially as of late. LoL
*ahem*
Oh, I forgot to introduce myself. Hello, everyone! My name is Kristine. I’m looking for love…hopefully in all the right places. As I’ve already exhausted the bar scene, school, church, & I don’t believe in office dating (too complicated!), I decided that I should start looking for love online. I’ve always been a person who’s been open to new types of things ever since a pivotal (and somewhat depressing) religion class in high school told me that I could basically marry hundreds of different people out in the world and the only thing limiting me was location. As the Internet has no bounds, I decided that I’d find those hundreds of people and pick the best-looking one. (j/k…I’m not that superficial!)
But last night, I had this amazing phone conversation with this guy who was pretty much exactly like me. I went to look back at his profile to commit it to my memory bank when I saw that he was looking for someone either “Agnostic, Atheist, Spiritual but Not Religious.” I consider myself to be in the last category, but I was born into and raised in a Catholic household. However, when I got to college, I started discovering other religions and stopped going to church. I rediscovered my spirituality on a more personal level and *badabing badaboom* here I am now. So while I no longer believe in organized religion per se, and I am totally down with people believing in what they want to believe, I wonder if this could ever really work in the long-run. Would he constantly nitpick at me for believing in a Higher Power if he didn’t believe in one himself? What if I rediscovered my faith roots and decided to start practicing my Catholic religion again? What if I wanted to get married in the Catholic church in order to appease my aging parents (who are really gung-ho about it) and my partner wouldn’t convert? What if I wanted to raise my kids with different world religions so they could pick and choose their set of beliefs instead of being bound by one sect of faith and he wasn’t cool with religion at all?
That’s when I had to tell myself to slow down. I’m not marrying this guy yet. Let’s just take it slow and see how it goes. But it’s a hot button issue that I’d need to bring up with him later…like, oh say, Date # 5.
But this incident also led me to think about a failed set-up date and how important it is to me that my lifestyle also matches that of my would-be partner. Now, I’ve been a little bit of a lush as of late. I won’t lie. I enjoy my Long Islands (with cherry garnish, please!). And I have this problem with my cell phone and drunk-dialing and drunk-texting random people. *sigh* I should have already learned after years and years of this that having my phone near me while inebriated is never good, but old dogs don’t seem to learn new tricks.
Well, apparently, non-thinking Kristine went and drunk-dialed this one guy off Match. We had set up a date for later in the week. After stupidly handing off the phone to my also drunk friends and have them say some random things to him (Why did you cut your hair? Kristine likes long hair! Don’t kidnap her! Do we need to equip her with LoJack? Why do you laugh a lot? You sound a little too happy!), he was sufficiently creeped out to tell me that we sounded drunk. And he doesn’t drink anymore as he used to be too into the drinking and drugs since he was 14 (which made my then incoherent mind explode and feel really horrible), and he had a gut feeling that we wouldn’t exactly get along as I sounded like I liked to have too much fun and he was recently clean. Dating set-back! Haven’t even met and a date has already been cancelled…though I can’t really blame him after those antics. And I mean, gosh, how could I have known that he had previously been an alcoholic unless you verbally state that in your profile? But it made me realize that I needed to find someone who enjoys a cocktail or two (well, drinking within your limits) so that we could go to sports bars and get a bit rowdy when the Pacquaio fights were on. And how similar lifestyles are really important in the long haul, as are similar values and even personalities to an extent (though some would argue that personalities need to be complementary which is a whole other point of discussion in itself).
But all of these incidents got me thinking back on what a theology teacher in college told me:
“You marry the person, not whose traits you love the most, but whose flaws you hate the least.”
And I guess that’s true, in a way. I just have to think about which flaws in my partner I can live with and which attributes I consider essential in order for our relationship to work. Compound this with the “ditto goes for vice versa” effect and we’re talking about a 1% chance that I’ll ever find someone out there. LoL But I consider myself an optimist, so I’m sure I’ll find him even if it takes me ’til I’m 64! *cue Beatles music*
The pickup progression
When I was younger, I was painfully shy. The thought of approaching a girl was overwhelming and, consequently, I never did it. I used to tell myself that if only I could approach, I could get a girlfriend. I eventually overcame my shyness only to discover that approaching a girl wasn’t enough. I couldn’t just walk up and say hi and magically have a girlfriend. A lot of times, I mistakenly expected the girl to make a move if she was interested and often left conversations asking myself where it went wrong. Clearly, it went wrong when I decided not to ask for her number.
Now that I’m a bit lot older and more experienced, I know that there’s a series of steps to go through before you can have a date, let alone a girlfriend. I call these steps the pickup progression, and they are:
- The approach. Before you can hope to date a girl, you must talk to her. Learning how to start a conversation is an important skill and starts you on your path.
- The number. You need to get her number if you ever want to see her again. This is separate from the approach because it’s easy to start a conversation and then get cold feet about asking her out.
- The call. The purpose of the first phone call is setup a date. Some guys can get numbers but then don’t have the guts to followup with a call. Call her!
- The first date. Getting to this point is definitely exciting, but just because there’s a first date doesn’t mean there will be a second. One-on-one time is incredibly important.
- The second date. If you’ve gotten to this point, then chances are you’re well on your way.
The cool thing about the pickup progression is that you can focus on moving forward one step at a time. If you’re horribly shy, then approaching a girl may be difficult enough. That’s fine. Take it slow and work on getting #1 down. Once you feel confident with the approach, move on to asking for a number. Each time you reach a step in the progression just focus on getting to the next step and don’t worry about the others.
If you make it all the way to call but don’t manage to get a first date (it happens, trust me), celebrate a little because you completed three steps. There are a lot of guys who can’t even complete one! The goal should be to get further and further into the progression and ultimately that second date. Once you’ve made it there, you’ve done everything right and the likelihood of a third date is quite high.
Try not to get down on yourself if you don’t make it all the way through the progression a few times. Even at 30 years old and a decent idea about how to approach women, it doesn’t always work out for me either. I always remind myself how much more upset I would’ve been if I didn’t approach (#1) and didn’t ask for her number (#2). It’s always better to know than to be left wondering. Now go practice.
Side note: You can now follow me on Twitter via @zack_taylor.
TRUTH about cats & dogs
“It’s a given that all men are dogs. What differentiates each guy is how much dog is in him.”
I barely settle into my side of the cab and my college buddy starts barking his version of conventional dating wisdom at me.
“I suggest you tap into me to discern the purebreds from the strays in your life and NOT that silly book by Steve Harvey.” Davis glances down at the three copies I’ve got carefully tucked in a clear plastic bag for my gal pals. He’s determined to squeeze in brunch by the Bay before heading back to Tulsa. “You know a good guy will come along when you least expect it, or are looking for it.”
It’s obvious he’s caught wind of my recent internet dating fiasco. I suspected as much when both he and the girls were quite insistent that we meet up on this not-so-sunny Sunday morning. I try to fill him in on my latest mismatch: Mr. Persistent-turned-less-Consistent.
“Well, that could be a sign, but it also could be something came up.” Davis runs his hand through his chin length hair. Looks at my expectant expression and pinches my nose before it can wrinkle. “You should never read too much into what men do, because, quite frankly, we don’t know what the hell we are doing in most cases.”
“It just throws me for a loop. I like it when guys do what they say they’ll do. I thought we had that. It’s what I liked the most about him.” So I thought. I am SUCH the SUCKER.
“The guys you select just don’t know real talent when they have it in their grasp.” He shakes his wavy locks. “It’s just a shame.”
“You’re being sweet because you’re my friend.” My mood matches the forecast. It doesn’t help that I’m not a morning person.
“No. I’m telling you because you’re missing the point. The one thing I do know is that the more you women like a man, the more they get all scared.”
“Who does?” Davis wags his finger between himself and the driver. The driver glances back at us through his rear view mirror, his eyes crinkle in agreement. He’s got great laugh lines. He’s also got on a ring. On his left hand. Guess he’s not one of the strays.
Davis rubs the steamy window with his elbow. He squints at the street signs up ahead. “Make yourself a little mysterious. We love a good mystery.”
Here we go again. “I don’t get it.”
“Look, you know I think you are the sweetest woman I have ever met. Just real thoughtful and nice. And I am a total prick.” Davis guffaws. Maybe that’s a mark of a real man in the Midwest. Someone not afraid to carry around, then empty out, belly fulls of laughter everywhere he goes.
“So if I see it, you know darn well those soft guys you like will notice it, too.” He laughs out loud again at the look of horror I can’t seem to squelch these days. “The old adage, ‘don’t mistake kindness for weakness’ perhaps.”
This time, I groan loudly. “I barely know how to flirt as it is. Now that I’ve sorta got that down, what next?”
“What you have to do is be interested, but not seem interested. It’s a fine line to walk, but be more cat-like than dog-like.”
“What’choo talkin’ ’bout Willis?” The rain’s pounding on the cab’s rooftop now, matching the rhythmic thudding of my heart.
“You ever notice how a dog runs up to you when you come home?” I nod. He smiles. Doesn’t skip a beat and continues: “But a cat. Oh my, a cat does not seek you out. A cat has to be found.”
The gentle drum of the rain onto the roof of our cab does nothing to drown out Ra Ra Riot’s refrain ringing in my head “…my bed’s too big for just me…“ I shake my head. Hard.
“Be more like a cat.” Just for the record, I abhor cats. Of any kind. Maybe it’s because I’m deathly allergic. “You are sweet with a heart of gold, but not every guy needs to know that from the start. And, lastly, mix it up just a little bit. Maybe you need to be more selective. A lot more selective.” No kidding.
It’s my turn to stare out the window. It’s all fogged up. So is the story of my current dating situation. Gotta love it.
“Just don’t play your hand too fast is all.” Davis hands the driver a twenty and slips out of the cab. He opens his umbrella and holds out his hand towards me. “Quality women usually get quality men. It just does not happen on the time table you may have set for yourself.”
Waiting for the phone to ring
There are few circumstances more angst-invoking than waiting for the phone to ring. It’s the same whether you’re a guy or a girl: when you’re anticipating a call from someone you just met, there’s all kinds of nervousness going on. As each minute ticks by, you begin to wonder if maybe you read the situation wrong. Maybe there’s no interest at all. You replay the last conversation you had looking for anything to reassure yourself. He said he looked forward to seeing me sometime. She asked how my day was. Clearly this indicates interest. Or does it?
My female friends complain about this all time, they give their number to a guy and then sit around and wait for the phone to ring. Guys have all kinds of rules we tell ourselves about when to call. The most typical is the three-day rule, which states you must wait at least three days to call a girl after you get her number. Why? Because calling her sooner indicates that you’re desperate (so the rule says) and will ruin your chances. You want her on the brink of disappointment before you swoop in and remind her you’re interested. Personally, I don’t believe in this approach. I’d much rather tell her the day I’ll call and prove my worth by calling on that day.
Guys get caught in this web, too. You call the girl and she says, “I’m sorry, I can’t talk right now, can I call you back later?” Because you’re polite, you answer, “of course.” But now you’re the one playing the waiting game. When will she call? Will it be later that day? Tomorrow? Three days? This is also why I recommend keeping conversations short and, whenever possible, offering to call her back later rather than waiting for her to call you back. Of course, that’s not always possible and so we, too, are left waiting.
We play tricks on ourselves. If I were returning my phone call, when would I call? About the same time the next day, probably. Except if I were busy at that time. Then I would probably call earlier…or would it be later? You watch the clock and try not to look at your phone all that often. But you do, just to make sure you didn’t miss any calls. You have spotty reception, so you never can tell. Maybe they had plans and so can’t call back until the week. Oh no! What if they lost my number? And on, and on, and on…
It doesn’t feel like it at the time, but this is one of the most enjoyable experiences in the early part of dating. Why? Because of the feeling you get when they actually call. When your phone rings and you see that number, your heart leaps. All the waiting and angst and that little ball of nerves in your stomach all vanish and are instantly replaced with excitement. Excitement over what might be.
Side note: I can now be followed on Twitter via @zack_taylor, where I’ll be updating with small tidbits of advice and give you more insights into my personal dating life. Hope to see you there.
Pursuit Theory: The first phone call
I’ve talked a bit about pursuit theory in the past, both what is expected from guys and girls, but it’s helpful to take a look at a specific situation to really understand the rules. The first phone call is a great moment in dating that has all kinds of subtletlies to be aware of, and this makes it the perfect opportunity to discuss in the context of pursuit theory.
The key thing is that you, the guy, got her number. Good job. Calling her is the next step, and it’s a very important one. Hopefully you told her when you were going to call after she gave you her number. This should indicate the day but not the time at which you are going to call. For instance, “I’ll give you a call on Monday.” The reason for not specifying a time is that you don’t know what time will be best, and you don’t want to say you’ll call at 4 pm and then not be able to (this makes you a liar!).
Before calling, have a plan. The goal of the call isn’t to chit-chat about anything, the goal is to set a time and a place to meet in person. Your time limit should be 15 minutes, maximum. Make sure you have a place, date, and time already in mind before calling. Be smart about it: if you want to meet during the week, suggest something after 6 pm.
When you call, be sure to introduce yourself: “Hey Sara, this is Zack.” Unless she has your number, she definitely won’t know who you are without the introduction. Next, talk about the last thing you talked about in person. For example, if she had mentioned an affinity for the Chicago Bulls, say something like, “congrats on the Bulls win last night, it was a tough game.” This immediately puts her back into the conversation and the context in which she gave you her number. Move off this topic as quickly as possible and present your idea, “so, I thought we could meet up Thursday around 6:30 at the cafe on Main Street. How does that sound?”
Her response will indicate what to do next. If she can’t make that time and place, she’ll hopefully offer an alternative (the correct move in pursuit theory). If you suggest two or more options and you still can’t find an agreeable situation, it may be that she’s just not interested. Girls will give out their phone numbers sometimes when they have no interest; accept it. At this point the best thing to do is to ask if she has any suggestions. If she doesn’t, then calmly say, “hey, that’s okay. Give me a call back when you figure out a better time.” This may seem contrary to pursuit theory, since you’re asking her to pursue, but it really is an escape hatch designed to let her know that you will not be calling her anymore and that it’s up to her to give you an invitation to pursue to start the game again. If she agrees to your plans, then express that you’re looking forward to it and excuse yourself because, “you’ve got a million things to do.”
There are a few other wrinkles that may occur along the way. For one, she may not answer. In this day and age of cell phones, people can tell when you’ve called so you need to be careful about your approach in this situation. Calling repeatedly isn’t the answer (she’ll see that you have), neither is leaving multiple voicemails or texts. Here’s what to do: if she doesn’t pick up the first time, just hang up and don’t leave a voicemail. Then wait 3-4 hours and call again. If she doesn’t pick up this time, now you leave a voicemail. The voicemail should indicate that you tried to call her but were unsuccessful, but you will try again in a couple days. Something like, “Hey Sara, this is Zack. Just calling to see if we could setup plans to get together this week. I’ll give you a call back on Wednesday to try to catch you. Have a good one.” Note that you’re not asking her to call you back (making her pursue), you’re indicating that you called when you said you would and now setting up another time that she can expect your call.
It’s entirely possible that she will call you back after you first attempt, and very possible after the second. If she asks why you didn’t leave a message the first time you called, simply say that the call got cut off. If she doesn’t call back after either attempt, then call again at the specified time. This time, call only once and leave a voicemail if she doesn’t answer. This time, ask her to call you back. Once again, it’s possible at this point that she’s not interested and doesn’t want to call you back, so putting it on her lets her know that you won’t be calling again. Something like, “Hey Sara, this is Zack. Just calling to see about getting together. Give me a ring when you have a second, 555-555-5555. Thanks.” Note that you should not mention the other times you’ve called; that’s desperate and stalkerish. This is just a friendly reminder that you’re trying to get in touch with her.
If you still get no response, then it’s time to seek out another girl who deserves your attention. Once this girl has your number and knows you’re interested (by your message), it really is up to her to decide to continue or not. By not harassing her, you’re showing that you’re a busy guy with a lot more important things to do than chase her around. You were inviting her to join your excellent life for some fun. She chose not to take you up on that offer, so now that slot is available for another girl. Or two.
The most important thing to remember is to always remain calm, confident, and playful about the whole thing. This is a stranger, not your longtime girlfriend. Don’t treat her like she’s the only thing in the world that will make you happy…you don’t even know if she’ll make you a little bit happy at this point. You’re just making an earnest effort to get to know someone new. Happy calling.
Side note: I can now be followed on Twitter via @zack_taylor, where I’ll be updating with small tidbits of advice and give you more insights into my personal dating life. Hope to see you there.
