Breaking up, the right way
So you’ve reached that point in your relationship where you realize it’s just not working out. For one reason or another, it’s time to move on. Sometimes it’s easy to move on because the other person has proven, without a doubt, that they are not the one for you. Sometimes it’s not so easy because, “there’s nothing really wrong.” You don’t fight and you get along, but the spark is gone. Either way, you’ve made the decision to break things off and the time is now.
You should first congratulate yourself for making this decision. There are a lot of people who stay in unfulfilling relationships because they fear change, or don’t want to be alone, or don’t want to hurt the other person. You don’t owe it to anyone to stay in a relationship that isn’t working for you, and taking this step is scary. Take a deep breath and you’ll get through it.
Before talking to your partner, you need to ask yourself a very important question: is this really it? You should never break up with someone as a ploy to test their affections. People are emotionally weak, so toying with someone’s emotions like that is just cruel. If you want to break up, then know that this is a forever decision…you don’t get to change your mind next week. It’s not fair to the other person and it’s not good for you. So decide, right now, if you are happy saying goodbye forever. If the answer is no, then you’re not ready to break up. If there’s something in your relationship that you want to change, then communicate about changing it. Breakups are not a tool for fixing your relationship.
Once you’re certain that you want to break up, you need to have a reason ready to tell the other person. Most people need a solid reason why a relationship is ending for closure. We, as humans, tend to question every move we made when things go wrong. Maybe if I brought her flowers more often things would have been different. Maybe if I was more affectionate. If you are breaking up with someone, eliminate this misery: tell him or her exactly why you’re leaving. The reason should be something concrete and you should stress that there’s nothing that could change how you feel. For example, “I met someone else,” is a tangible reason, as is “I don’t like the way you treat me.” A crappy reasons is something like, “I just can’t be in a relationship right now.” There’s a reason you can’t be in a relationship right now, explain what it is! “I can’t be in a relationship right now because I’m too stressed about life and can’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated.” That’s a real reason.
After you’ve told them your reason and stressed that there’s nothing they could have done differently, don’t patronize them. Don’t tell them how wonderful they are or how you wish you would’ve met them later in life; such things are just cruel. Say you’re sorry for hurting them but don’t apologize for your decision. And whatever you do, do not ask if you can still be friends. There’s two reasons to avoid this common pitfall: 1) it’s not a clean break, you can’t go from lovers to friends over night and 2) it’s selfish.
Exes can be friends, but only after time. You both need the time to reset how you think about each other, how your lives are without each other. Trying to “hang out” the next weekend typically means you’ll end up sleeping with each other and you’ll need to break up all over again. A clean breaks means you stop seeing each other. Period. Allow time for your emotional health to be restored. Sometime down the road, you may be able to be friends, but not right away.
And here’s the thing, it’s the person who gets dumped that gets to decide if they want to be friends later on. As the dumper, you give up that right on account of your ripping out another person’s heart and dancing on it. The person who was dumped already feels powerless, this is the one thing that you owe him or her at this point. Let your ex have this decision.
Another thing you, as the dumper, cannot do is to act like you got dumped. Symptoms include wanting to continue talking multiple times during the following week, being “hurt” by the way your ex is acting now, and sending emails/text message/phone calls just to “say hi” or to “see how you’re doing”. If the person you dumps wants to talk to you (and he or she may if no sense of closure was reached), the call will come on its own. It’s not your responsibility to check up on your ex to make sure everything’s okay. News flash: it’s not okay. There is hurt and there is upset. There will probably be anger soon, and you don’t want to be caught up in that. Let well enough alone.
Breaking up with someone is difficult. In some ways, it may be more difficult than being dumped. If the guidelines in this post seem too harsh or strict, consider how unbalanced the relationship has become at that point. As the dumper, you’ve had time to think about your decision. You’ve pondered your life without your significant other and decided that it’s a good option. Perhaps you’ve been thinking about it for days or weeks, but you’ve come to your decision. Your boyfriend or girlfriend has no idea that this is coming, they will have no emotional or psychological preparation for life without you. One moment you’re a couple, the next you’re not. As the dumper, you owe them some dignity and caring in your final moments together. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it.
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I’m watching a friend go through this process. She’s struggling but determined. I will reference this post to my page and foward it to her also.
Thanks!