Comments on: Saying no, the right way

By: Mr. Write

Mr. Write — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 04:50:13 +0000

@Potted Plant: Fair enough, I agree there can be a gray zone. But that gray zone applies to both men and women. It’s not a gender-specific zone. If you could be a fly on the wall every time a female friend has complained to me that a guy is being “gray” with them, you’d be one tired fly.

So I totally don’t mean to make this sound like a Women Are From Venus, Men Are From Mars debate. Both sexes are guilty of being unsure about their feelings for someone.

Hell, I’ve been guilty of being wishy-washy and unsure about a girl. I’ve strung girls along, feeling somewhat interested but not enough to give them a definitive answer. Hell, isn’t the stereotype that guys are the ones who are notorious for being non-committal?

By: Zack Taylor

Zack Taylor — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 04:49:28 +0000

If you’re not prepared to be up front with a guy who’s asked you out, then you also lose the right to complain about the guy hanging around and constantly flirting even though you said you just want to be friends.

If you’re in the grey, as you put it, then it’s a yes. You know if there’s no possibility; if you could go either way, then just go out with the guy. Part of the point of a date is to figure out if you like the other person “that way.” What better time is there to flirt?

By: Potted Plant

Potted Plant — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 04:17:08 +0000

Okay. The two of you are going to make me dust off my high school debate skills. Here goes: There is this thing called “the grey” – for a guy he may be in the black or the white and therefore decide to ask a girl out. For the girl, she may be in the grey and not be 100% sure of the answer. You boys are asking for perfect star alignment and lunar eclipses if you think that men and women’s black and white align in such a way that a man will ask for a clear answer and get it or vice versa. Just because you work up the nerve to ask a girl out (which don’t get me wrong, is a great thing) doesn’t mean that you are going to get a definitive answer – it may not exist. And tell me the last time you responded favorably to a girl that said “Right now, I think of you as a friend, but flirt with me some more and try harder and let me see how it turns out?”

By: Zack Taylor

Zack Taylor — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 22:10:47 +0000

@Potted Plant – I’m glad you’re being definitive in your disagreement. As Mr. Write said, you’re actually validating what I wrote. Feelings can’t be turned off, if he wants to date you, being just a friend or colleague will rarely be enough.

If you’re having a hard time saying no, then perhaps you should be telling him what he can do to make it a yes instead of putting all of the decisions on him. Something along the lines of, “I’m not ready to date right now, but why don’t you ask me again next month” or “I usually don’t date co-workers, if that situation changes, I’d gladly accept.”

The problem is that you think you’re being straightforward when, in fact, you’re not. You’re leaving out vital information. Include the vital information about how we should react if the situation changes and you’ve fulfilled my personal desire for clarity.

By: Mr. Write

Mr. Write — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 19:35:29 +0000

@Potted Plant: Hmmm. So do you buy into the book “He’s Just Not That Into You”? That book argues that guys who offer shades of gray, who are not able to give a girl a definitive NO, are the kinds of guys a girl should drop.

Just last night, a buddy told me about the best rejection he’s ever had. He was having a pleasant conversation with a girl at a party, when he asked, “So do you want to hang out sometime?”

She said, “Um, no, I don’t think so.”

He was surprised. Then told her, “Thank you. That was very open and honest of you. I’m glad you told me the truth.” He stood up, told her it was nice meeting her, and walked away feeling happy and respected (and a bit bummed too, of course).

I’m generally of the mindset that the direct, honest approach is the best one. Personally, I hate to be left wondering in the gray. I’ve seen enough friends who’ve fretted and wondered and worried about whether that guy or girl likes them that… I can’t see how being noncommittal is a good thing.

But I have a feeling you’re actually agreeing with Zack’s post. “I don’t date co-workers, I am not ready for a relationship” – that’s pretty much a definitive NO in my book. Maybe you’re just saying guys shouldn’t wait for a firm NO and understand that a non-definitive answer really is a definitive answer in disguise.

By: Potted Plant

Potted Plant — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 19:25:28 +0000

Now, normally, i love your posts, but i am calling BS on this one.

Women have a hard time saying flat out “NO” because we rarely feel a definitive NO about a guy. Usually there are some things you like or you have a feeling it wouldn’t work out but you just aren’t sure. And sometimes, we do just genuinely want to be friends with the guy – we think he is nice, we think he is sweet, but we are not attracted to him.

Women just say what they are thinking – I don’t date co-workers, I am not ready for a relationship – it’s not our fault you men are one dimensional and don’t hear what we say.