I am sitting in my “one side untucked bed” reading your post with tears flowing down my face….I’m not even putting energy into crying anymore..I’m crying for you…because you feel exactly the way I do and I know how lonely that is.

Please don’t cry for me, I share my stories and feelings to help others relate to theirs. If someone, like you, can read what I wrote and find that it expresses what’s going on in your heart, I’m happy.

We all know that being single has its great moments (like when you’re dating three people at once and loving it) and crappy moments (missing someone in particular).

Hang in there, Hilary. It’ll get better.

Everything you’re saying is so true. People always think something’s wrong with you that you’re single and perhaps yes, it’s because we’re all human and need love and interaction. You know even aliens have us humans to reach out to, but human to human relations can be so weird sometimes. People are so funny and being alone allows you to see that…but you still miss that sharing of intellect. At least there’s the internet and blogs like urs. Thanks. My saturday feels better.

Damn!!! It is about time I met someone I can relate too. Jesus. I’m tired too brother. Shit I’m tired of going to the movies by myself with a big ass popcorn and no one to share it with. Let you in on a little something else… I avoid with the most possible caution- the marenity ward when I’m going to visit a sick friend at the hospital. IT TAKES STRENGTH! I’m damn near broke down in tears. I’m tired of anticipating and day dreaming about that “one” and how he will look, what I want him to treat me like, Blah-blah, & ect. Mostly I’m tired of playing up to my friends like, single life is the thing but, deep down inside I just want to ball up like a pieace paper and cry. Most of all I’m tired of fronting with a look or image of this “strong ass person that endures a lot” and My heart aches for someone to love. I would like to know someone wants me for a companion. I can’t think of shit else for right now- It’s Memorials Day and I have been drinking. I’ve fired up the grill. Guess What? Alone. Cheers Dude. You are not alone.

Another thing… Some one comes up to me and is like you got any kids? I say no. They say, you had better count your blessings or you’re lucky or you still got your whole life ahead of you. SHUT UP! QUIT TELLING ME THAT SHIT! I WANT CHILDREN YOU DUMB ASS! AS A MATTER OF FACT I WOULDN’T MIND HAVING ONE NOWISH!! When I go to church, I’m christian but I don’t think the other church members seem to think it, as safe with their husbands and my one single self. I know females… I know they trip about shit like that. As a Matter of fucking fact! I’m the only single person in my church!

I’m tired of waiting, tired of my Ex’s throwing it up in my face with their new women and their brand new fucking babies. Tired having to change a flat, get the oil changed in the car, get new tires, detail my car, taking out my own fucking trash by myself. Traveling by myself. Left out of conversations. Sitting and playing with the kids at any event because I got “mysteriously muzzled” out of a conversation that involved marriage &/or relationships. Cooking for myself. Washing my work clothes instead of washing men’s underwear, bed sheets, and my lingerier. I’m tired too!!

You said it Zack. PERFECTLY. I feel every word and I’m tired of it.

reading what you wrote made me realize that I am not the only one finding it hard meeting “the one”
I too go to bed alone, wake up alone, i see happy couples all over the place and i ask myself “what is wrong with me?” I am independent, smart, attractive, many things going for me yet here i am all alone, reading on line posts about being single… its frustrating, i have tried dating sites but i have not met anyone who doesn’t want something superficial, i want whats in the movies – yea i know its a dream but i know it can happen, sometimes when i watch a movie and i see the passion I wonder will i ever be able to kiss a man again? have that passion again? or will i be alone forever? i am not sure what the secret of meeting someone is, damn i haven’t even dated in years…. so maybe the world is right, maybe something is wrong with me….

@Anita – You’re definitely not alone. There’s a lot of really great people who are single at this very moment. It’s absolutely not a reflection on you. Sometimes we need to be alone just so we’ll appreciate the companionship when we find it. And trust me, you won’t be alone forever. Granted I don’t know you, but you’re incredibly articulate, which means you’re also very smart. I’m sure you have a lot of other things going for you as well. Just wait through the frustration, it’ll pass.

I know your right, and thank you
your comment actually made me smile.

i know eventually i will meet someone
i heard something a while ago not even sure where it came from …

but maybe i am the one sabatoging or at fault for being single…. if i really truly went out and stepped out of my safe zone maybe i would meet him… maybe the problem is i shouldn’t be so scared of failure, or hurt, or heartache
after all its all part of life…

they say there’s someone out there for everyone…
maybe my soulmate is not on this planet… hahaha

holidays are coming and the fact that your single always hits harder… i would love to spend the holidays with someone i love and who loves me ….

well anyway … don’t want to be sad about it

your right it will happen one day

i love that you have such a positive outlook its refreshing

Zack –
another thought

i guess what it comes down to is i’m tired of being on my own and would love just to have a partner in crime – lol

someone to laugh with, cry with, talk to, bounce ideas off of, have fun experiancing new things with and just grow old together

anyway lol i talk too much

have a great night

Thank you Zack and to everyone that has commented on this I’ve been having a rough day.
I am tired of being the wing man and I am tired of not having anyone to call, I realized I am so longing to say “I love you” to somebody that I want to lower my standards just to be with somebody. But knowing that there are people that want the same exact thing, makes me feel a little better. I hear what your saying about not knowing why your single, I have been told I am good looking but that just doesn’t fill the void, I guess that proves that I am human and not superficial. Well thank you again for writing, commenting and listening to me rant.

I so know how everyone feels that has posted a comment. I felt so sad that I googled “I’m tired of being alone”. That I even had to do that makes me sad. Everything I read in all the posts I felt like I could personally be writing all that myself. I stood outside tonight on my deck and just cried. Once again I made dinner for myself, ate by myself, watched TV by myself, got ready for bed by myself, and went to bed by myself only to have to face the same thing all over again tomorrow. The worst part is always coming home to no one. Sometimes when I get home I will say just for fun “Honey I’m home!!” Of course there is no reply. I’m successful, attractive, a great cook, I want a baby, (of course they are everywhere I look-and I turn 39 in a month–I’m running out of time). I’ve had a couple of long term relationships but they of course weren’t the right ones for me. They are now happily married with kids. I am trying the online dating scene but to no avail so far. Some great dates but the connection just isn’t there or they aren’t at the same place I am in wanting a long-term committed relationship. I am soooo tired. I too go places by myself. I’m confident enough to dine alone, go to movies etc but it gets so lonely. I desire to have the witty banter with someone. I feel like it’s getting so hopeless. I take vacations by myself as well. They are fun but guess what? Not as fun as they could be if I could spend the time with someone. Here’s something super pathetic and depressing. I’ve had the last 4 days off from work and no one to do anything with. All of my friends are in relationships so they have kind of fallen to the wayside. I’m so lonely today!! What is everyone else doing to combat the loneliness. I live in Las Vegas and it’s really hard to meet people here. Zack, thank you for starting this feed. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one feeling this way. Why can’t all of us lonely people get together. Then we wouldn’t be lonely anymore!!! Thanks everyone!!!!

Hey Chris and Carla – I’ve been there, which is why I wrote this post. The important thing is to have faith that it will happen for you and that it’s just a matter of time. I’m not going to throw in any other cliches, but all of us single people need to keep our heads right and realize that everyone else in the world is missing out on the best thing ever: us! One day, they’ll wake up!

Hello everyone,

Thanks for all of the comments…I am too very lonely and sad to be 36 years old and single. Most of my friends are married with children or divorce and dating. It’s pathetic and I don’t know what to think anymore. I find myself crying over this more often. I have been told I am very cute, funny and intelligent. I have a great career and a good body shape. I am tired of feeling like I am fighting against the clock and having to probably settled for less so that I don’t miss my fertility window. And no….I don’t go on 1st dates and tell guys I want a baby and a life partner by the time the check arrives…but sometimes I think they can see that in me and I am very afraid I am staring to wear my desperation…

wow…I can totally relate, especially lately…i think my feelings have intestified in the last few weeks…i don’t think i know a worse feeling than this. I’m really glad i read your post, (although i’m sorry you’re going through this)…but i’m sure you’re tired of hearing that too, as am I. Anyway, thanks for posting this, and reminding tons of people out there that’s they’re not alone. Best of luck to you and to all of the people out there who are going through this same thing.

wow..I too am crying reading these posts..that sense of isolation seems so unbearable and it’s comforting to know I’m not alone in this struggle..I’ve been single for seven years, and feel I’ve sabotaged my happiness as I wasn’t ready or didn’t know what a good guy was..having had terrible male role models and as a result afraid of the ones who treated me well..I relate so well to the ache you feel in your hearts and wish we could all meet up to support one another on our journey…the struggle will end someday for all of us as we all have open hearts……ready for love

This has been the saddest time of my life, my eyes are watery but I couldn’t even cry. I always have my music playing, my chats on, my torrent going, and some drinks on the side.

Am I alone? I’ve lived my life with passion in art. I felt so free and happy. I meet people with the same interests. I always feel I’ll be left out but I end up with nice people. Sadly, they all just come and go. I kept that in mind… So I never had a close friend. Never had a boyfriend. No one really knows me. But still, It was all fine, I didn’t mind about anything else in life. I love what I am now.

While I was busy dreaming and playing… People around me are crying, I hear them, I know their stories and almost felt like I’m a part of it. It’s all the same. I observe them. I don’t want to go through that pain, It’s a waste of time, I thought. I don’t need it.

Now I’m 20+ and I think I can marry a pencil, a book, or a computer.

I even had some online game going on and got pretty good with it, I earned a ticket to visit another country. That’s because lonely girls play goddamn online games.

Dreamers are busy people who can’t stop being busy. You think you’re safe in there and you look at the world like it’s some aquarium, visible and colorful. Happy just sitting there. One day you’ll just wake up and realize you’re not part of that world. So, where have you been all this time?

You stop and think. I stop and think. And then you google some words like, porn, alone, tired. And then you feel sorry about the porn part because it’s disgusting. And then you feel sorry about the alone and tired part because it’s full of sad people.

Me? I just feel sooo tired… This is reality. I’m tired of chasing my dreams, It wasn’t so easy as I thought it was. I’m tired of looking for a new job all the time, ’cause nothing can make me stay. I’m tired of waiting for someone who I can chat to at night. Friends, Strangers, Whatever, Whoever. It will help pass time. I’m tired of arguing with myself whether to stop smoking and drinking and all that bad habits. I’m tired of feeling pretty in the evening and ugly when I wake up. I’m tired of waiting for that next event that will give highlight to my boring days. I’m tired of playing online games but not really. I’m tired of getting excited over some handsome guys or pathetic loser who’s trying to get to know me and waste my time. I’m tired of explaining myself to some people who didn’t really care but asks anyways. I’m tired of seeing people getting bf and gf for so many times when I couldn’t even get one, just one. I’m tired of trying to look for a new music or movie that will entertain me. I’m tired of wondering why my friends seems to dissapear one by one as time passes by. I’m tired of looking at the starless sky and thinking if the few people who loved me knows my sorrow now. I’m tired of going out alone, eating alone, sleeping alone. I’m tired of going to parties and then go home drunk and alone. I’m tired of seeing tired people and poor kids who can’t even buy a slipper. I think I am tired of life and tired of many other reasons.

Funny. I don’t know how to kiss a guy. I don’t date but maybe I should but it’s just so ridiculous. I feel I’m running out of good music to hear. I’m running out of time. And I feel in any minute now, I’ll get back to my old happy self and will wake up one day… old and alone.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I want. Maybe I am scared? All I know is I’m just me. Happy. Sad. Happy. Sad. Because I don’t know what love is… I don’t know how to love… And since I’ve been living like this all my life… I think I can survive. Just playing along with life, not searching for him because I know one day, he will come to me.

@Julie – we all feel this way from time to time. The important thing to remember is that it’s just that, a moment in time. In another moment, you’ll look back and laugh at how you used to think things wouldn’t get better. Things are constantly moving towards better every day, and your day will come just like the rest of us.

@Someone – Being in your 20s, you have plenty of time! Clearly you’re a very intelligent, expressive, insightful, and caring person (not to mention a helluva writer), and there will absolutely be someone, probably many someones, in your future that will appreciate all of that. The important thing, as for everyone who commented here, is to never give up hope because that’s when we really lose.

[...] tears at you, day and night. You hate being single. It’s that horrible feeling in your gut. It just won’t go away. You sometimes touch [...]

I READ ALL OF YOU COMMENTS AND SOMETHING INSIDE ME SAYS COME ON EVERYONE GET A HOLD OF YOURSELVES BUT I DEF KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOUR ALL TALKING ABOUT AND FEELING. THE LOW DOWN, 24 YEAR OLD MALE, STOCKBROKER, WELL SITUATED, GOOD LOOKING, PASSIONATE ABOUT EVERYTHING LIFE HAS TO OFFER AND I DO EVERYTHING I CAN LIVING LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW AND YOU KNOW WHATS FUNNY? WOMAN IN NEW YORK, AROUND HERE AND MOST OF ANYWHERE I HAVE NOTICED DONT CARE…THEY WANT TO WAKE UP AT 50 WITH NOONE, I DONT UNDERSTAND IT!!??I GO OUT WITH DIFFERENT GIRLS AND ALL THEY WANT TO DO IS PARTY, GET DRUNK, AND SLEEP WITH SOMEONE WHO ISNT ME LOL..TELL YOU THE TRUTH MAYBE BECAUSE I COME FROM OLD WORLD VALUES I JUST WANT ONE PERSON WHO MAKES ME HAPPY AND IS THERE FOR EVERYTHING, A MAN IS ONLY AS GOOD AS THE WOMAN WHO STANDS NEXT TO HIM…

I read the whole story and all the comments and damn it, I feel completley the same – I feel extremely lonely sometimes, even though I have some really good and faithful friends whom I can trust. However, there is always a need to have someone special – a person who you can trust uncondinionally, a person who is always waiting for you, who cares of you, whom you could say – ‘I love you’. We all need a special person with whom we’d like to share our lives…
I’m trying to believe I’ll find somoene one fine day. However, there are some examples of unseccessful people who never find their love… And this is frightening me.
I’m single for many years and still waiting for a Mr. Right. What if he never comes?.. Actually, I’m tired of all questions about my solitude. People usually don’t understand why I’m still single. Sometimes they even think I’m not normal. But I am. I’m just a lonely person who would like to find someone but is still out of luck…
P.S. Sorry for my English, it’s not my mother tongue.

I know this in an old post, but sitting here at work on a Friday night after my plans for tonight to go on a hayride with a friend and her family got cancelled, I just typed ‘I’m tired of being single.’ I came across the original post and thought – that’s it. I’m 34 and have been in 11 weddings – people still use the ‘always a bridesmaid’ phrase on me.

I guess I should feel better now, but it gets frustrating!

…And yet another who shares identical pains.

I was once told that when you begin the journey with another, you immediately set yourself up for failure. Is this true? I have met many wonderful women of whom they allowed me the privilege to be the partner of. Every time, it seemed as if this person was the one person in life I wished to die with one day. With this in mind, you have to admit that the idea of love could, in fact, be superficial in and of itself when equality and other considerations become mainstream.

Because of this idea, it has led me to believe that Christianity and all the other flavors of God are superficial lies. I do believe in God, however, it reflects no assertions made by humans in that the super being I worship is something I have already learned that I will no nothing about. It’s impossible to understand “God”.

To me, I always use to believe that love never changes and that once you feel that burn in your heart, it is there like a brand on a horses rear. The problem with that theory, though, is that you get caught with your pants down when that target of emotions finally abandons you or rejects you.

So having come back around to the main point here, to me, love is beginning to lose the silver lining it once had. While I have only lived 24 years of age, I know there will be others to take the place left by my last love, but still, how long will it be before that love dies, too? How long will it be before that new lover gets tired of me and decides to look for greener pastures elsewhere?

My last S.O. left me supposedly because of:
A.) religious differences
B.) my inability to overcome depression
C.) differences in sexual expectations (waiting for marriage)

It’s been almost 2 years now since her departure and I’m still not over it. Everyday I think about how easily it seemed to be for her to move on within the first 3 months of being away from me and how she decided to post images of her new lover on things like MySpace, Facebook and all those websites people use now. This is about the second time I have endured such pain, and to be honest, part of me hopes I never find anyone again because of this sort of hassle.

In the end, I think the true problem that persists in society is the law of chaos–how every mirror has a different reflection at different times. People who date and then marry have their own power to control their own success, however, what evades our understanding at most times is how we over-analyze and dissect everything to death to the point to where what we once had turns into something completely different in the end. This is manifested in ways like paranoia, misunderstanding, lies and deceit, greed, loathing and anti-socialism, etc. It’s the human flaw.

I found this blog a few days ago while on another site (mikelee?) that talked about how to get a passive guy to ask you out (my current situation apparently). I’ve been scanning posts, you have a refreshing perspective. It’s good for me (a woman in her 30′s) to hear a single guy’s voice in all this dating madness and singledom. This particular post spoke to my heart. Dating when you are over 30 is hard. So many times I hear my friends say, “Oh – he’s 38 and SINGLE! Wonder what’s wrong with him” to which I immediately feel like then there has to be something wrong with me! (being single and over 30) What a way to get a complex and dating-phobia!

Anyway – thanks not only for your public voice, but the gaggle of you who run this blog, helping to keep us all sane and get the reality check that we are not alone in this situation.

@Casey – You’re far too young to give up just yet! It can sometimes take a while to get over someone. It took me just about two years to get over one of my exes as well. The thing I’ve learned in my 30 years on this planet is that no one just “gets over” anyone else. Some people act like they have to make themselves feel better. Quickly posting photos of a new significant other is just her way of trying to prove she’s not thinking of you. But she is, trust me, she’s just handling it differently. In the meantime, stop torturing yourself by checking up on her to see what she’s doing. You’ll never get over her that way.

@Adrienne – I’m glad you enjoy the posts, that’s why we write them!

I identify with everyone here. I’m 37 years old, told by all my friends that I don’t look even 30. My chiropractor calls me “Goddess”. Why am I still alone? I’m not picky. I go on dates. They are few and far between, but they are dates. I’ve not been in a steady relationship in 8 years. I’ve not been in a romantic relationship (read: sex) in almost 3 years. I just can’t seem to get it together.

About 3 years ago I decided to take matters into my own hands and had a child on my own, realizing that Mr. Wonderful wasn’t around the corner. I’m so glad I did. I still am devestated that I don’t have anyone special to complete my family, and I thought the “desperation of my bio-clock would no longer show”. I’m sure it doesn’t, but the desperation to have a “nuclear family” shows, I am sure.

Some days I don’t even want to get out of bed I am so depressed. The only thing that forces me out of bed is my beautiful toddler. She’s the reason I can move on. Unhappily and definitely VERY VERY LONELY, but never alone.

Anonymously_yours

Thank you so much for your post… I actually posted something about not wanting to miss my fertility window and how scared I was of showing the world my desperation. I am 36 years old and I have been seriously thinking about (having a baby on my own…) I am however so very scared…on one hand I think I have to do this asap and not regret it later…at the same time I keep on hoping my life partner is just around the corner and we could have a family together. I was greatful to hear you say that “the desperation to have a “nuclear family” shows”, because I never thought about it that way. I always figured my life would be complete after having a baby, but the truth is that we would love to have the complete package. Good luck everyone in their journey…
p.s. BTW, I recently joined Match and I am actually enjoying meeting new people..let’s see what happens…

Hello all bloggers! Reading this was SO refreshing. Refreshing to know there are people out there (at least on the internet) who can empathize with each others singledom! Zack, you couldn’t have written your opening comment any better!

I love my friends and their children, but I am tired of hearing about everything THEY are doing, and never ask what I am doing. I truly feel they just assume because one is single, one has no life. I even addressed this with a friend, saying how even the “girls dinner” is annoying for me because everyone talks about what they did or went recently with their family. Her response was that she interprets “girls dinner” as not married women coming together, but as individuals coming together. Nice in theory, but then all they talk about is their family. Do any married women have anything they do on an individual basis??

Anyway, yes I am lonely. All the men I have dated lately don’t know what they want, have no drive, or no goals. Or, nothing for nothing, have NO respect for others. If I go out with one more guy who says my hobbies are “stupid”, who knows what I’ll do:) Didn’t think liking to read or bake on occasion, was “stupid”.

I’m tired of not going to the movies because I’m tired of going to them alone, I’m tired of not having a nice meal in a nice restaurant with great company. I’m tired of eating frozen dinners, tired of being tired of this, and tired of realizing my dreams have not come true. This was NOT where I pictured my life to be at 38 years old. But plug on we must.

Jane: While I realize that saying this probably lacks any impact on your morale regarding relationships, just keep in mind that any guy who dubs your hobbies as “stupid” are stupid themselves.

Everyone: I find it very interesting that so many people share this same single element of loneliness. What does this mean about us; about society and how we have evolved? So many of my sad and depressing days can be traced back to this little emotional splinter that if I could find a cure for it, I would honestly know the feeling of true happiness because it is the single thing that prevents me from seeing the beauty in the world more than half of the time.

Going through this same issue of loneliness you all seem to experience, I have found that my faith in God has dissolved into hatred for religion and whatever is responsible for the creation of everything we call “existence”. I often watch people who get prepared for church on Sundays and think to myself that it must be Halloween again as these people are amongst the majority who have never truly searched their souls for answers, but instead, keep repeating the same mistakes only to believe that the mistakes they made throughout the prior week can simply be erased with one little 10-second whisper to the air with their eyes closed underneath the roof of a building that has stained glass on every “Sabbath”. These same people almost always lack critical social skills necessary to live 45 minutes away from their family or friends, have never lived on their own and know little about how to tackle problems in their lives without the help of someone else beside them. Oops, maybe my bitterness for these people just broke the lip padlock, but am I alone in thinking this way? It’s not that I hate these people, but often times, I instead feel sorry for them and detest them at the same time because while they have something I do not (harmony, friends and family that are worth being with on a day-to-day basis), they also lack something that I have which is the realization that their beliefs are simply based on lies.

@Casey: While I can hear the pain in your words, I don’t think it’s appropriate to criticize people over their choice of religion. Let’s keep the focus on ourselves and our feelings rather than insulting others, okay? I know that loneliness can lead to bitterness but it’s really important to keep some perspective on our own problems and not blame others for what they do, or don’t, have.

I had a little time to consider what you said in your response after drinking my coffee this morning, and Zach, I have to admit that I lack any remorse over my statement regarding people and religion, even if it has little association with this “blog”. So your hand-slap did little to professionalize things around here…

In spite of this, I truly never meant any harm or malicious wordage to be conveyed to anyone, but the thing is that love and religion remain two aspects of humans which are not mutually exclusive, so to act as if my post was directly meant to focus on a separate topic (religion and those who follow a certain type) is silly, but, expected, as this is the smoke-screen of the majority who choose to circumvent the topic based on the simple fact that ignorance is bliss and beliefs are untouchable. Maybe this is why the world is so screwed up?

Regardless, I sincerely apologize if my comments were construed as offensive and I wish to make sure you understand that I mean no passive-aggressive nature in this response, too. They (my comment / words) were merely meant to enlighten and help the innocent foresee a future struggle with someone whom they consider dating that is deemed “religious” in their eyes as my experience with this type of person, on average, never winds up with anything one might consider worth remembering.

[...] you’re tired of being single and feel like loneliness is crushing you, it may very well be depression speaking. Please, seek [...]

I’m with you on this one my friend, you are echoing my life for the last 3 years. I’m tired of giving myself pep talks, so I can feel like my life has worth, I wish i could offer some words of wisdom to everyone but i was on the net hoping to find someone with a few words for me. well at least i’m not alone in this state., I’m a 32yr old guy , and everyone woman I have dated in the last 3years has beaten my optimism on relationships as awhole,

Its to the point like its a dull ache in my guts all the time , that never goes away, and that i frankly avoid seeing ppl as much so i’m not reminded of how much of a outcast i feel like. Now that the holidays are coming up , It gets even worse, I just wish it could be january 2nd already, and not deal with these feelings of emptiness. screw it. its damn shame when you just got to sleep causing being awake just seems to hurt more. later.

Casey,

Just to share my personal opinion, I believe our family, friends and the other many good things in life do reflect that there is indeed a God and that He cares for us very much. I get tired of being single, but God has in no way left me alone, and He’s one of the things that gets me through my ‘bad single days.’

On another note, do any of you seem to often get the ‘I don’t know why you’re single’ phrase directed your way from your male friends and/or the male signigicant others of your female friends? Is that just something they say to make you feel better?

Either way, hope you all have a blessed Christmas.

Holly

Amazing this thread is still going strong. I’m kind of like a lot of you guys. Googled “tired of being single.” I just lost my job too, so I spend a shit ton of time at home, alone. The thing is, forget it. I’m fine with this. I started out being depressed but reading about how everyone is kind of in the same boat is kind of comforting. You know, there’s an old song that talks about a guy getting old, going his whole life single, and talks about how as an old man he sits down at the breakfast table and has an orange juice just for himself. There’s strength in that. Yeah, it’s lonely, and yeah, it sucks but screw it. If you’re not strong and you’re not stable on your own, why bring that into a relationship? Odds are that that “perfect someone” out there isn’t going to fill that void entirely. Work on yourself first, be happy. It’s amazing how that attracts people. Maybe lose a few pounds too, I know I could use it. You do that, and you’ll be fine. Admittedly, I need to listen to my own advice.

Hey,

i have read most of the posts on this as feeling sorry for myself on a sunday afternoon, alone when is an ideal day to be with a loved one lazing around. I am also sick of being single, mainly sick of pretending i love the single life…

I have been conversing with a guy the other side of the world online for 3 months now and is completly pointless, as is keeping me from going out and meeting someone here.

I think we could all break the barriers of being single, if we got out there and tried to date and took more chances on people, and maybe stopped shutting ourselves away so much.

I have been single for almost 2 years bow, and have travelled a lot during this time, and did things i would never have done had i been with someone, but now its time i want to settle in a LTR for a while…..when u want it it never seems to come…people also tell me i am a beautiful smart, fun girl to be around….but if so then why are men not coming forward to me…i dont get it…….

do u men out there actually aproach women anymore…or what does a woman have to do to be noticed enough for u guys to speak to us women….help,pleeease..

I read your reply, Zoe, and I have to add something to it… Call it “insight”, if you will.

Why is the bulk of the responsibility on the man’s shoulders to initiate the relationship? In a world of increasing equality and feminism, you would think that something would give in this department anymore…

Regardless, and while I’m more than confident that I subscribe to a very alternative way-of-thinking about women, I must admit that I rarely approach women due to many reasons. First off, I never approach a women who is with her pack. Secondly, I only even consider doing this is I notice her checking me out. Third, if she dresses scandalously or flaunts herself, I will never approach a women like this due to the obvious. Fourth, I have to be in a right frame-of-mind in order to approach a women; my job, school, finances and general stress level have to be at the right levels, otherwise, my mood will be sour and things will just not feel right. Fifth, most women anymore–at least from what I have experienced–all retain the personality of a spoiled brat. Forgive me if you are not like this as I completely understand that I am more so generalizing women than I am specifying cases, but the majority of women I deal with and even those older or more mature all seem to be about as deep as the depth of a nickel or dime. Hardly ever do you find a woman anymore who has a hobby or two, who can be okay by themselves in a room alone without a cell phone or who has a life outside of their relationship. They all have a MySpace or Facebook with about a thousand friends of which, 50% or more are all guys.

Pardon me for not running after that…

Give me a girl who is unique, who is attractive and weighs less than 200 lbs. Give me a women who is okay with being conventional or pragmatic in our world full of hypocritical zealots and sexually-explicit vixens.

I don’t want to cross any lines with my response here… It’s just that all the girls that exist today are all the same, boring, naive, and shallow gals you see on the one million and up MySpace profiles. It’s like they all crave attention and after they’ve exclusively had it, they wind up getting bored with it and fabricate some erroneous reason to get out of it.

Maybe that’s why a lot of us guys neglect to start dropping everything we do to chase women around whom we know will be leaving us within either a month, a year, or 2 years, when things get a little rough or when things begin to get boring.

…But like I said, this may not be you or any of the other ladies on here who visit this website. It’s just been my experience and I apologize if I have offended anyone, but am I alone on this? Maybe, maybe not…

Casey,

I appreciate that you are on a struggle like myself and many others here, trying to find ways of coping with single life when we’d prefer to be in an intimate relationship. I understand your response was to Zoe but I had to respond too. I really enjoy this site as a scource of comfort, there are others out there going through a similar experience and I’m not alone. This site is not an appropriate place for you to insult and criticise women, maybe a therapy space is more appropriate. You may have been hurt, and have every good reason to feel angry at women in your life who did this. You preface with your insults with phrases such as “maybe that’s not you” or “don’t mean to generalise”.This is not the place for you to then transfer this hatred, or deep fear of women here by insulting us with misogynistic comments. Please think about the impact on others, before you lash out again in such an offensive way on this site.

I’m sorry if you found my opinions “misogynistic” and whatnot, but if you have a problem with my opinions, that is your problem because this in fact, is a website to express ones own perspective on their experiences with love and relationships and how to cope with being single.

It’s one thing to express concern about something I have posted on here, but if you have a problem with my objective opinion, then you can simply ignore my responses because I stated more than once that it was my opinion and that I meant no bad intentions with my opinion. Instead of quelling over my semantics, why not try to provide examples as to things that may fix issues or that might help pave a way to relationship enlightenment.

…It’s one thing to acquire sanctity in groups who experience similar ordeals, but it’s another to revolutionize perpetual issues by side-stepping problems that nobody makes unified attempts to solve. Instead of slapping my hand simply because you took my response too seriously, why not be constructive and stop crying over it?

I have a problem with your subjective opinion when you attack women,I will always challenge that.You contradict yourself.How can you justify yourself,stating your intentions aren’t bad yet viciously attack women with those ignorant generalisations. You suggest fixing issues that might encourage relationship enlightenment?! You clearly have a deep rooted hatred of women, probably based in fear.Slapping your hand?! Is that you were pathethic attempt to gain power over others?!Is this how you react when someone disagrees with Get some therapy, punch some cushions. This is a place for support.Don’t dump your toxic anger on the women in this site…

I’m not dumping anything on anyone (especially you, because it’s obvious you wouldn’t be able to handle it).

To me, you’re the only one here that appears to be getting toxic by blatantly accusing me of things you have obviously misunderstood. I lack hatred for any and all women, but right now, I’ll make an exception for you so that you can be virtuous in your assumptions and stop annoying everyone, walking away from the smoky scene as a victor of another internet battle waving the banner of relationship crusader counseling advocate–because after all, you do know best.

If you want, I can attack you by letting you know that you have made many grammatical errors in your last response, but bigger fish need to be fried, right? …Don’t make me pull this car over.

:.)

In response to your my ability to handle your “dumping”..noone should ever have to tolerate being dumped on by someone else, ever. As I said, find somewhere else to dump your poison against women (reread what you’ve written in case you are confused by your contradictions again)..I’m sure many other women and men on this site would agree.This is the second time you have had you “hand slapped”?!It may be time to respond to others wishes.You offer nothing constructive,supportive or of comfort to others here…take a poll

“Tough titty says the kitty.”

:.)

Casey, you are exquisitely rude for using the word “titty” in this forum. You need to be off this blog, so do the rest of us a favor and sign off.

Nice use of that word Jane… Ha! :.P

OMG if you guys could stop that would be great!! Annoying much????? You’re both just as bad and immature as each other! THERE! now stop!

You’re right Diane-Lee.
I’m done.

Even though I hope this thread is done now, I want to remind everyone that this is a place where you are free to express yourself, your thoughts and feelings about dating and where you are right now. That doesn’t mean that this is an open forum where you can say whatever you want. When comments are openly disrespectful of others, we will consider banning the commenter. I don’t like or want to do that, but this is supposed to be a friendly place for people to share their feelings and no one should be afraid of, or victim of, personal attacks. So please keep that in mind and enjoy the site.

This site is great. I have literally been walking around wondering if I’m completely losing my mind. Almost everyone I know is in a relationship and I can’t even seem to catch a woman’s attention. Its really crushing my self esteem. After reading what others have written I feel a little better. It really starts to bother me when I’m always the third wheel. I just stay home instead of getting caught up in a night out with a bunch of couples.

I think you hit a nerve with this one.

I can relate to every one of those. I am tired of being told “you’re not my type” from a girl I like a lot. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard that one, got it again on Friday. I’m also genuinely tired of complaining to friends about it. I’m ready to give up

Guys, you should just go out. If you are the third wheel, but you go out, you may meet the one. But, if you stay home feeling bad for yourself, you will still be alone without the chance to meet anyone. I remember, when I was single for around three months, it was tough. But, just stay active, go to different places, get into different activities and enjoy your own company.

I can relate. I’ve been turned down nine times this year and I wonder if women know just how tough it is to put yourself out there. I can tell you this I’m done being the hunter and doing the asking if a girl sees me she better get her nerve up and ask me out. I’m not trying to be rude but this is really getting in my head. I really can’t take anymore no’s or I’m already seeing someone. I’m not going to let myself become depressed over this. As a matter of fact I’m working out, I’m back in school, and I’m completely focused on making myself the best I can be. So if a woman sees me and thinks shes interested she had better get ready to put herself out there because I’m done being the fool. I also wanted to say whats up with every woman wanting a nice guy. I know a lot of single guys who are super nice and very respectful but women always go for the guy who treats them like crap. Well I’m sorry but thats because they choose that and thats their problem. I’m done feeling sorry for them. If I hear any more about it I’m gonna flip out!!!!!

I’ll have to agree with everyone else here. It’s nice to see that I’m not the only person in the universe abhorring being single!

I, too, am usually alone most of the time. I absolutely hate it! I so desperately wish I had someone to share my life with! It would be so great to have someone to laugh with, someone to cry with, someone to be silly and dumb with, someone to fight with and then kiss and make up with and someone to just call MINE. It’d also be great to have someone to wake up next to every day who actually wants to be there with me, someone who doesn’t think the stuff I like is dumb and will gladly give me a shoulder to cry on when I get stressed out, regardless of how irrational the stuff I’m stressed out over is. I wish I had someone just like that, someone who will respect me and my wants and needs and emotionally wants the same things I do. He doesn’t have to be perfect; I don’t care if he forgets stuff like anniversary dates and stuff like that, and he doesn’t have to be rich; dirt poor will do, just as long as he has a job and can save a little bit of money! I just want someone I can share my life with who’ll be my best friend!

So far I’ve been pretty unlucky in finding that, though, and I’m seriously starting to doubt that I ever will.

I’ve never been really lucky in the relationships department. I’m 26 years old, and I’ve only really had two boyfriends. The first one was when I was in high school, and we dated for about three months. I felt that he wanted things to move more faster than I did, and we broke up because of it. The next guy was a guy I very briefly dated in college, who also wanted to move a little too fast for me. When I asked him to slow down he didn’t, so that was the end of that. That was just a little over five years ago, and he was the last one.

It’s not that I haven’t tried finding someone or that nobody’s caught my interest. There’s been plenty of guys that I’ve been interested in, it’s just that every single one of them has been gay, taken, or single but just plain uninterested. (Mostly they’re taken or single but uninterested.) In a couple of cases when I’ve finally gotten up enough nerve to just go for the gold and ask him out, I’ve actually met his girlfriend (Or in one case, his WIFE!) before I even got the chance to say anything.

It also doesn’t help me much that I’m kinda shy and awkward around people I don’t really know or when I’m in situations where I’m not totally comfortable with my surroundings. (I’m completely different when I get to know people and feel comfortable with my surroundings. When I’m uncomfortable, I don’t like to talk much. When I get comfortable I’m usually pretty talkative.) I am horrified of the prospect of having to go up to any random guy I might be interested in and trying to start a conversation with him, yet I at least try because I know if I don’t I’ll always wonder what the outcome would’ve been. The whole conversation usually ends up with me staring at my feet, the wall, something else usually going on in the background, etc. I’m terrible at making eye contact, even though I’ve been working on that, too.

I also hate when people offer me dating advice that is completely irrelevant to me. I’m always being told to just go out to a bar or a party with a friend and when I find someone there that catches my interest to just go up to him and start talking. Yeah, that’d probably be a great thing to do, except I don’t go to bars because I don’t drink due to personal reasons, and I’m not really a “party” girl! I don’t care too much for large groups of people because I never know how to act around them. Besides, the kind of guy I’m looking for isn’t really into that kind of stuff, either, so why would I go anywhere like that to find him when he wouldn’t be there, anyway?

I’m sick and tired of constantly being told that I’m really sweet and nice and that I’ll be an excellent girlfriend and wife for someone one day. It’s so cliched! I’ve heard that line over and over and over again from friends (All of whom have someone else and have had for years!) and guys that I’ve been interested in who only see me as a “friend”. It also really bugs me when I have to listen to other women tell me that I’m living in fairy tale if I think I’m going to find a nice guy who’ll just want to be with me and no one else and who’ll really love me. That makes me so angry to hear that! I know there are lots of nice guys out there like that! My friends have married nice guys who would do anything in the world for them, and I have guy friends who have girlfriends that are like that. So don’t tell me they don’t exist!

I would just really love to know what is so wrong with me, because I’m convinced that something must be wrong with me. I don’t think I’m ugly (My body’s not perfect, but it’s not bad!). I don’t stink and I have good personal hygiene. I’m really nice and I really love doing things for others. I care very deeply for my friends and family and everyone else that I love and would do anything in the world for them. I have a job and am independent. I think I’m funny and smart and have a great personality. (I just sometimes get a little depressed at the prospect that I get so lonely, like I am now!)

What’s really killing me right now is seeing all of my friends either getting married or already being married to someone that really loves and appreciates them, and, in the case of my best friend, already having two great kids. I want that so bad right now I can taste it! What’s really bad is I’m already at the point in my life where I’m really wanting a baby of my own. It’s getting to the point where if I see a new born baby or if I hear a baby crying I start to cry, too! My best friend just had a baby over the summer and the other day she brought him in to the place where we work and he started crying when we were talking about something and she had to leave with him. Shortly after they left, I started to tear up, too, and when one of my coworkers asked me what was wrong I had to explain the whole thing to her. I’m so sick of being told that my time will come soon, that one day I’ll meet someone great and

I agree that this time of the year is the absolute worst time of the year for being single. The holidays are very taxing for us single folks who no longer wish to be single. I just came back from having a “family” Christmas (Merry Christmas to all who are reading this! =-) ), and I was the only person there over the age of 13 that wasn’t celebrating Christmas with a significant other! My married parents were there, as were three older sisters and their husbands, my 18 year old niece and her boyfriend, my 15 year old niece and her boyfriend, my 18 year old nephew and his girlfriend, and my 16 year old niece and her boyfriend. The only other singles were my two year old nephew, my 11 year old niece and my 13 year old niece. I felt so “singled out” it wasn’t even funny!

So, once again this has been another lonely Christmas (At least romantically!). Each year I keep hoping that I will find the ultimate Christmas present for myself and finally find who I’m looking for so I won’t have to be so alone all the time, and each year I never find him. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope I have for what lies ahead. So, once again, maybe next Christmas I’ll have him!

ALRIGHT IVE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF EVERYONE MOPING AROUND ON THIS SITE. I JOINED THIS FORUM A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO AND IM STILL SINGLE…YOU KNOW WHY? CUZ I CHOOSE TO BE NOW. WHEN I FIRST JOINED I DIDNT KNOW WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH ME. I JUST GOT DUMPED OF A 5 YAR RELATIONSHIP THAT I WAS LOOKING FOR WEDDING BANDS AND SHE WAS LOOKING TO GET RID OF ME. THAT HURT LEMME TELL YOU I STILL FEEL IT TILLL THIS DAY, THE POINT IM TRYING TO GET TO NOW IS I AM SURROUNDED BY BEAUTIFUL WOMEN EVERYWHERE I GO. I NEVER HAD ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE AND NOW I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ALL OF THE WOMEN CALLING ME. MY FRIEND LOU AND I WENT OUT LAST NIGHT AND HE STARTED CRYING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CLUB BECUASE HE SAW ALL OF THESE WOMEN FLOCKING AND DANCING WITH ME AS HE STOOD BACK AND WATCHED. HE HAD BEEN REJECTED 5 TIMES LAST NIGHT. HORRIBLE REJECTIONS TOO. “YOUR DISGUSTING, F OFF” THE WORKS!! NOW LOU IS A GREAT LOOKING GUY DRIVES A BRAND NEW E350 MERCEDES, HAS AN AMAZING JOB, AND IS A KILLER MAGICIAN TOO LOL. BUT LOU CANNOT FIGURE OUT WHY HE CANT PICK UP WOMEN. WELL I HELPED HIM OUT LAST NIGHT BUT I CANT DO IT FOREVER FOR HIM. WHAT YOU SHOULD ALL DO IS GO TO YOUR LOCAL BARNES AND NOBLES OR BORDERS AND PICK UP A PICK UP ARTIST BOOK OR GET ONE FROM ONLINE. WHEN YOU WANT TO LEARN A NEW TRADE YOU GO TO SCHOOL RIGHT? WELL IF YOU WANT TO LEARN HOW TO PICK UP WOMEN THAT IS A SKILL ALSO. IT TAKES A WHILE BELIEVE ME I HAVE HAD MANY REJECTIONS BUT DONT WORRY THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT. IM NOT THE TYPE OF GUY TO SLEEP WITH ALL THE WOMEN I HANG OUT WITH I WOULD RATHER JUST BEFRIEND THEM AND CHILL THAN SCREW THEM LIKE ALL MY BUDDIES TELL ME TO DO. IM LOOKING FOR A NICE GIRL AND IM STILL LOOKING 6 MONTHS INTO MY JOURNEY. SO DONT GET DISCOURAGED. IF YOU ALL WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING HELPFUL THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO HEAR….WHEN YOU WERE LEARNING TO RIDE A BIKE AND YOU FELL OFF DIDNT YOU GET RIGHT BACK ON AND TRY AGAIN? THEN WHATS THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU GET REJECTED? YOU JUST NEED TO TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN UNTIL YOU HAVE IT DOWN PACKED. BELIEVE ME AFTER MANY TRIES YOU WONT EVEN REALIZE YOUR DOING IT ANYMORE AND YOULL NATURALLY BE A FLIRTY GUY THAT ALL THE GIRLS WANT TO BE AROUND.. IF YOU GUYS NEED ANY HELP I CAN BE OF SOME ASSISTANCE BUT I CANT EMAIL ALL OF YOU ALL THE TIME. DONT HESITATE TO EMAIL IF YOU HAVE A QUESTION..IF I CAN ANSWER IT ILL GET BACK TO YOU IF I CANT..WELL GOOD LUCK ANYWYAY!!

@Vinny – I don’t think anyone here is really moping, we’re all just sharing our experiences with frustration and sadness related to being single. I’m glad that people are doing this in a way that’s productive and possibly helpful for others. That’s what this site is all about – sharing experiences and hopefully gaining insights. There’s hundreds of posts on this site with help on how to stop missing someone, why you should try to make your life special to meet someone, and how to start a conversation. I hope that everyone continues to read other posts after visiting this one!

well im only 22, and i know thats still young but i have never had any luck with guys. people say that im beautiful, intelligent and fun to be around. i think the problem is is that i have the morals of a 70yr old woman. i think society today is awful and people are only out to get what they want, ie money or sex. no one wants to be faithful anymore or look after anyone else but themselves. maybe this is what puts guys off me. guys my age cant handle it. so i go for an older guy, but they dont look twice at me coz i only look 16. so its like a vicious circle.
im sick of hearing all the cliches from family and friends. i just hate waking up every single morning and being alone. i havent ‘been’ with anyone for way over a year now, and he was only using me. at my age i should be out ‘playing the field’ but because of my stupid morals i cant do that, so basically the single life sucks for me!
ive read a few of these posts and its literally like reading from my own mind, i know exactly how you all feel.

Wow Rach, your morals ARE NOT stupid. They are great. What is stupid are the users and pleasure seekers who have relationship ADD. I hope you find someone who has a brain in their head and treats you with respect.

Just a quick update to everyone from my last post:

I actually managed to get a date for one night next week! Eek! =-D I’m so excited, and he seems like a really nice guy, too!

I really hope things work out for the best, because I really like him! He’s not perfect (He had a really messy breakup with his ex awhile back, and it didn’t really help matters that they had a kid together who is just a little over a year old now. (They were together for about three years.) ), but that’s OK with me!

Anyway, I’m really nervous because it’s been so long since I’ve been on a date!

thats great chasity
don’t be too nervous just open up and let this guy see what a wonderful lady you are. Don’t forget to let us know how it goes! I hope you have a wonderful time!

My situation is a little different. I’ve been seeing this guy for 4 months and we live together. It just kinda happened that way. Anyway, the problem is that I still feel single. Sure we go out and do things together once in a while, but no one knows about me. I’ve met his closest friends only once and his own kid, who’s 12, has no one idea that we are more than friends. I have to hide my feelings for him when people are around. I don’t think that’s fair to me. Everyone tells me to hang in there, that things will get better. But here’s the thing, I’m 25 and ready to settle down. I want to get married and have children. I’m so ready for it. Don’t get me wrong, this guy is a good guy, but i just don’t think he takes me serious. Anyone have some advice?

J that’s tough. Maybe you should consider having your own apartment until the relationship is on more solid ground. Even though you are ready to start a family, you certainly don’t want to do it with someone who isn’t a forever kind of love. Best wishes.

J
Thats a tough situation. I think you need to be open with your guy and let him know how you feel. You are obviously a good catch and you can’t wait until the timing is rite for him. I think one of the biggest problems with all of us is that we are looking for someone to complete us and maybe we need to look within ourselves and see if we have some work to do on being happy just by being an individual and knowing that we are worth a lot just by being individuals. I am not saying this to point fingures because lately I’ve realized that I need to be happier with myself before I start trying to find true love. The comments I have read have lead me to realize the people on this site are actually really good hearted people who have a lot to offer anyone but I wonder if you see that in yourself. There is so much honesty here and I wonder if you are all opening up and letting people see how good you really are. I’m sure I am guilty of hiding myself and maybe its time for me to change.

Chad,

Thanks for the advice. I’ve had so many problems with always trying to make others happy, often forgetting that my happiness is the most important. I have had a talk with my guy and things seem like they may actually work out. The main issue with us is that he wants to take things as slow as a turtle and I feel that if we’re both adults and feel that this is right then why not go for it. Maybe my way of thinking is wrong but who knows.

Well J
That is were you are wrong. Everyone is different and just because your guy wants to move slow does’nt mene that he is correct. Maybe you are just at two different places in your lives. That certainly does’nt mean that you are wrong or crazy for wanting more. It just meanss that your ready for more and that your at that point in your life. I think that you have taken the biggest step by talking about this. Opening up and communicating is the healthiest thing you can do. I really hope everything works out for you.

Chad,

Once again you have given me some inspiring words. I have actually brought it to his attention that I do feel like we are on 2 different pages. I really do feel like he is worth fighting for, and I feel that he feels the same way. After several conversations, many things have come to surface. I think that he and I are going to try to come to some sort of a compromise where neither one of us feels cheated. Hopefully it goes well. We just got a pet together so I guess we’re making progress. lol

Hi everyone,
I stumbled upon this post this morning and it actually describes my feelings perfectly. The tears are actually streaming down as I read these comments. I’m 24 years old and have not had a boyfriend or a date in 3 years. People give me the usual comments..such as “you’re a beautiful and sweet young lady, why are you still single?”…well I don’t have the answer! I care deeply for others, have a great career, and have many hobbies….but the emptiness is still there. God is number one in my life….but I still cry at night.

I’m so incredibly lonely, and this holiday season was especially difficult considering the fact that my two best friends just got into relationships right before Christmas. That left me being the odd one out as usual. I’m so sad about this because I long to feel what its like to be everything to someone else, and have someone else be my everything. When is my time going to come?

If men only gave me a chance I would show them so much love. I believe in showing respect to others. I have quite a few male friends, and they always tell me how lucky any guy would be to have me, yet I’m never taken into consideration whenever they are looking for dates! Are they saying these things to me just to be nice?

One of my best friends is male and I started falling for him. However, I couldn’t find it in myself to tell him my feelings because I didn’t want to destroy our friendship. Well, now he has a girlfriend, they moved in together, and I kick myself everyday for this. Either way things have changed between us and he’s noticed. Out of respect for his girlfriend, I don’t call him anymore and if he wants to hang out he calls me. But its few and far between. I’m heartbroken over this situation and its been a year since he got with his girlfriend. I just can’t catch a break!

My last boyfriend was emotionally, verbally, and sometimes physically abusive. That relationship only lasted 3 months but it was the most turbulent 3 months of my life…I lost myself when I was with him. It took me a long time to pick myself back up, and when I finally felt ready to be with someone again…well…sonething always got in the way to prevent a relationship from materializing.

Because of my beliefs I don’t sleep around and I don’t party too much, but it seems like these are the type of women that men are attracted to. That’s all well and good…but that’s just not me.
I’m just sick of being lonely…everyone deserves to be in love…everyone.
Is it me? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

@Rach – I’d agree, your morals are not stupid. I have had the same issue in the past, and really, it’s just that you’ve not found someone compatible enough to appreciate you for who you are. Don’t ever change or think there’s something wrong with the person that you are. There will be someone (or multiple someones) that will understand and appreciate you for who you are.

@Chastity – Congratulations! That’s great news and we all wish you continued happiness on your journey.

As a reminder to everyone, if you’re looking for advice, please check out our forums (http://www.datingthoughts.com/dating-forums/). It gets much more traffic than this post and you’ll get responses from a wider variety of people. Plus, you can offer your advice to others .

So far everything seems to be going well, and I really hope everything works out this time because I think I’m really in love!

We had a great time the other night! It was a little awkward at times, but it was really fun! We found out that we have lots of things in common. We share the same interests in movies, TV and music. He was sooo sweet! I completely forgot what that felt like to be with someone that actually likes the same things I do!

We have date # 2 set up for Sunday night, and I can’t wait for it! =-D

Have fun Chastity, remember to take things slow…it can be hard to do sometimes.

im the oppesed of all u peoplez cause im tried of being single and not having a boyfriend to talk to all night over the phone or make out with im tired of being single i really am. being in my teens is hard

I, like most of you found this site by googling, “I’m tired of being single”, and tired is a MAJOR understatement for me. I haven’t had a relationship for the past 6 years. When I was younger, I had a great confidence about myself and my future and really was never without a girlfriend for any more than a week. At the age of 16, I met a girl that I liked, and she really liked me. She got pregnant, and we lived together, and all though we didn’t have much money, we were seemingly happy. Seven years and 2 kids later, she decides that I’m not what she wants anymore. She leaves with my children and some other guy to another state. At the age of 23, I experienced the greatest lost imaginable. Having someone to come home to, cook for you, clean for you, to feel like you’re wanted and needed, not just by my woman, but my beautiful children, to have it all taken away. I never realized at the time how much it all really meant to me, guess I never really stopped to reflect about everything due to working constantly. I guess I took it all for granted. I will be 30 this year, I feel like a total failure. Never went to college because I was too busy providing for my family with menial jobs that were constantly 60+ hours a week. Some other guy is now the father figure in what was once “my” family. I always feel like shit, ALWAYS. Like I said, I’m getting older now and am still, for the most part, handsome. But honestly, that’s really all that I have going for me. Crappy jobs, limited education, and an inability to put myself back out there to possibly find someone to love again. I see beautiful women all the time, but I never have been the guy to initiate anything, every girl i’ve ever been involved with pursued me. Even the ones who smile, talk to, and show interest in me, I kind of just politely dissmiss. I don’t know if it is age, (most of the girls that show interest in me are late teens, early twenties), if it’s knowing that I really don’t have much to offer financially, or if it’s just my inability to want to put my heart on the line again. I really wish I could revert my brain back to before I had kids, when I really didn’t care about love and long term relationships. I had an abundance of females back then. Now my life just sucks, my only companion is the TV. I have friends, but they all have wives. Like some of you guys said, I’m not into being the third wheel. Emotionally, I am doing a little better than I was. There are still times like holidays, (especially Christmas) and seeing happy couples with their children in public, when I get a bit sad. I really just don’t know where to go from here. My life used to have purpose and meaning. Now I’m just existing, and frankly, I’m losing my will to keep fighting. Everyday is a struggle just to get out of bed. It’s actually kinda funny though, I have always been a very strong guy, physically and mentally. Never, ever would’ve imagined that I would be this fucked up about ANYTHING. Nobody loves me or needs me anymore. In my mind, I know that I’m acting like a bitch, but I can’t do anything about it. I guess I found my kryptonite…

Hey KJ, that’s some story. Definitely alot to go through at such a young age. Whatever our past mistakes there is always the ability to move forward for a better life. Your first step is doing something your doing right now, talking it out. But even better is talking to a good therapist. It did wonders for me when I was totally down and couldn’t even verbalize why, no health insurance and temporarily unemployed I sought out a free/low cost clinic recommended by a friend. They referred me to a free therapist who helped me really see what was affecting me and how to handle my own opinions of mistakes I’ve made.

I hope you’re able to find an objective listener. You have alot of life to live and I think once you get right inside yourself you can be there for your children who still need and want their Daddy.

Aw, Rach and crushed’s posts were really touching. It’s really invigorating to know that substantial women are still out there….

don’t give up on yourself or your future. there ARE good decent guys that WANT that fairy tale romance too… but when you’re talking about two people who probably aren’t into the loud and wild party/hedonism scheme, it’s not always set up easy for them to meet

this thread reminds me of my favorite quote, from this blind lawyer that finished the iron man marathon… it seems to apply so very well to the people i’m seeing here:

“Once I appreciated why I was created and the way that I was created, it really just gave my life a true sense of meaning and that meaning really drove my energy and passion.”

hang in there. you’ll find that other substantial person who’ll appreciate you for you and your depth. you guys deserve it =)

I cry everyday, Most nights i cry to sleep. I hate this, i feel sooo lonely and unlovable and left forgotten.
Why? Why is everyone aroung me falling in love and being happy making plans….
Why cant i get love,why cant i find a man who loves me, why I am so angry, so pissed of, just hate everyone… Why cant i have love?! What did i do wrong, this is like a torture. dI cant function anymore, cant stand seing lovely couples everywhere, and thers me always alone, going to my tiny studio on my own, nothing o do on sundays, no holidays, no good friends…
I feel i cant take it anymore.
Im 33, been single for the last 6 years, and im so angry and disapointed at this point that i know i wont meet anyone

Ah, damn it!

You guys really tick me off.

I got to the 10th post and I can pretty much say that I’ve read the whole blog.
“I’m tired of this, I’m tired of that”. Come on now. Yeah, we all have moments of self-pity and that’s only normal, but falling in those for a long period of time tends to actually damage your perception of the world. And here’s what happens:

You think that you can hide the fact that you’re single and desperate, but you couldn’t be more wrong.
As you get use to being single it starts to show on your face and whenever and opportunity strikes, you come up with 1001 excuses to pass it by. “She’s too pretty, she’s too superficial, too boring, too smart, too successful…” Although probably the most common one would be “She’ll never like me for who I am”. And you’d be right. Know why? Cause “you” is lost somewhere in between the woods of “feeling-sorry-for-myself” and “dragtown”.

Now don’t get me wrong. I accuse no one, because I also know all too well how being single feels. I am single, but at least I know why and I’ve come to terms with it. Whereas you guys (I’m willing to bet my good eye) avoid contact, because you’ve forgotten how to relate to people and now you blame the world. I feel your pain, but I insist on reminding you (and myself) that this is not the way out. At least not the good way.

And let me tell you a bit about myself.
I’m 23 year old guy (soon to be 24) and I haven’t had a relationship in 4 years now. For a while I was sore and I completely rejected the idea of dating. And then 2 years ago I sort of opened my eyes and realized that being single is not what it’s cracked up to be. Sure, you’ve got all the time in the world and you can spend it on whatever you want, but at some point you loose the thrill of this so called “freedom” and you start craving having someone to argue and fight with. And let’s face it – arguing with someone you care about is the seconds greatest thing this world has to offer.

So I concentrated on college and drawing classes and ignored everything and everybody else ’till I met couple of girls. At first it was sort of a tingle that I felt, but then it grew into a full scale crush which did indeed crushed me in the end. One of them was probably much too young to understand my needs and the other went to college in a different country. Damn, I still have such nice memories from her.

Took me quite a while to get back on my feet. For a few months I was a wreck and hated life. Called it “unfair” and “mean”, but deep down I knew that I was to blame. Maybe I wasn’t assertive or insistent enough or maybe it just wasn’t meant to be, but either way it’s over now and I am back on track.

Does being single suck? Of course it does, because we’re constantly reminded that you just HAVE to share this life with someone. And make no mistake about it – people DO think that there is something wrong with you, but you shouldn’t care. It’s your damn life after all.
I love not having to worry about somebody else’s feelings (and my own) , but it’s a constant struggle. I’d say that the worst time of the day is at night when all is said and done, but you lie in your bed and you are all alone with your thoughts.

I got a friend which I’ve known for over ten years now and he’s probably the only guy I’d jump in the fire for, but some time ago he looked at me in a very strange way and told me “I don’t know how you do it. I’d go crazy.”
Now, I’m sure he meant that in a condescending way, but it was a really low blow to me. It was like a kick in my teeth, because in my eyes he has it all and having someone to feel sorry for me is disgusting to say the least.
So, yes, I do hate that look that makes you feel out of the ordinary, but I guess I it’s only normal. Normal – get it?

And, people, don’t say that you’re not suppose to search for love, it finds you. It makes no sense, because if you don’t look and the other person doesn’t look… well how are you going to find anything at all?

Cheers,
Marty

I just wanted to drop by and say hi and give everyone an update. =-)

We’ve successfully made it one month! =-) This past month has truly been one of the best ever for me and I owe it all to him. It’s so great to finally have someone to talk to and do stuff with, someone who actually likes the same things I do and who I can relate to on just about everything. I love spending time with him and I absolutely adore his son. I want to be with him forever and he feels the same way about me. I just hope that it all works out to be that way because right now I can not imagine life without him.

Anyway, I know it’s cliched, but it will come for the rest of you. =-) I was single for five years before this, and if you’d asked me at this time last year if I was ever going to be in a relationship with someone great I would’ve told you no way cuz I didn’t think it would ever happen. I know how lonely it gets being single. Trust me, I’ve cried myself to sleep over it many times! Just hang in there and remember that everything happens for a reason and that when the time is right it’ll happen. I used to hate it when everyone would tell me that, but now I’m seeing the truth to it.

Good luck!

Hi Chastity,

Glad to hear it’s going well for you, it’s comforting to hear “success stories” too, not to imply being single means being “unsuccessful”. I do think love can happen at any age, it is important to stay open to it…thanks for the reminder

Hey

Yep, it’s great to see some of that positivity every now and then. Happy to read that things are working out for you two.
Best of luck.

/sigh… wow i feel like throwing up… i dont understand it… i tried to be confident, not come on too strong, be really sweet… and still got shot down by girl i wanted to ask out for valentines day…

all i want is a fairy tale romance, but i feel like i’m just gana get stuck being that peice of shit guy the girl ends up w/ at age 30 with two kids and a divorce…. with that being my first long term relationship.

i feel worthless as hell

Who’s the piece of shit that you’re refering to???

me- that stupid shit that wants nothing more than a meaningful relationship, and has since being little, but who’s probably so inadequate that all i can hope to be is the guy at the end of the long line of other guys…..

Sorry… I thought that comment was some how directed towards me, seeing as how i’m also almost 30, with 2 kids, and been through what I guess you could call a divorce. I know how you feel. I haven’t had a real girlfriend in 6 years, and it’s tough. It’s like I said in my earlier post, it seems as if girls like the guys who don’t give a shit about them, which is how I used to be. Then after meeting my ex and having kids, I developed a real soft spot for women. Since that relationship didn’t work out and I’m left still feeling like I need to nice and want to find “love”, I can’t seem to find anyone to share my life with. If I could find a woman like Rach or Crushed above, then I would feel like I was complete. I know you should’nt look for someone else for your own happiness, but it makes everything else in life so much easier. Been there, done that. The whole morals thing is a wonderful quality to find in anyone nowadays, and is the primary trait that my future wife would have to have. I don’t go to bars and things like that to find women either, so where does one find a woman like this??? Then there is the what after, when you do find a person of seemingly such high quality. My ex was like that too, in the beginning. Then after a few years and 2 kids, she changed on me… How do you trust anyone anymore??? Is there a such thing as “LOVE” in this world anymore??? All I ever hear and see anymore is divorce, step families, baby daddies, etc. Does anyone REALLY ever commit anymore??? There are billions of people on the Earth, and I guess the hope that my true queen is out there waiting for me somewhere, that keeps me going… I don’t think you are stupid, you are just going through a rough time right now, like most of us on this blog are. You sound like a decent guy, just hang in there. Hopefully someday it gets better for you, I and everyone else on here looking for that special someone.

I don’t know KJ. Hate to burst your bubble, but maybe you had something to do with the separation? Women go nuts when a guy starts treating them good and eventually they just get bored and leave. I’m just random shooting here. Either way – yeah, I believe there are plenty of women out there that will stand by you ’till death do you part. But I guess they are not that easy to find and recognize. You know how they say that things rarely are what they seem? I think there is some truth to that.

Being a a single parent must be frustrating, but then again you have kids. That must be wonderful and I think you should hold on to that thought. Just think of all the single and bitter people who don’t have offspring of their own. And as for women – maybe we don’t spend enough time and effort in finding our significant other. Have you tried dating sites? Although I’m personally against those, it seems like many people have committed over the internet. It’s worth a shot.

That’s really the point I was trying to make. Why is it when a guy treats a woman like crap, then they love him to death, but when they guy actually falls in love and does right by the woman, then they leave for another “bad boy”??? All women say they want a nice guy to love them, but in reality, that’s not what they want at all… What do you want??? I’m really getting to the point where I don’t care anymore. And as far as my kids go, she took them to another state with her new guy and she doesn’t let me see them at all. And I don’t have the money to fight for even joint custody, so it really doesn’t matter that I have kids when I cannot be apart of their lives, now does it. Bitches rule the world, unless of course you are a rich asshole, then you’d be ok…

I posted here last year!

It’s gonna be my birthday soon and somehow I feel like this year I will actually grab me some dates and will welcome the guys that will come in my life. Not that I’m desperate but I’ve been alone all my life focusing on my passion and still I feel it’s not enough. I want an inspiration, someone beside me, someone to share my dreams, my goals… even if it’s just for a moment of time.

Besides, there are many more fish in the sea if they feel like leaving, duh. I think, I just feel I will never meet the guy I like or want to end up with if I won’t try. Right?

Plus I don’t want to be a 30-something that will say that I am single and know nothing about relationships.

Not that I’m looking for a stable one, I think I just wanna have fun and meet people! Hopefully I will get good friends from this as well!

Yeah, dating life, here I come!

Oh, my bad. I thought the kids were with you, K.

Yeah. I saw the comment that Casey left about women being women and then he got immediate reaction. The thing is I wouldn’t be as nearly as kind with words as he was, but life has taught me as a virtual certainty that trying to change people leads to a dead end street.

What do women want? Many people would say that no one can answer that question, but that’s far from the truth.

From where I stand, women pretty much fall into two categories:

Burnt and Girls.

Here’s how it goes:
Pretty girls know they are pretty so they can be picky. Now, a pretty girl won’t go for just about anyone. He needs to be a pure alpha male. And the alpha male doesn’t have to be a mountain of muscle or rich and famous, no. He just has to have a psychological problem all the way back from his childhood that prevents him from being close with his parents and as a result becomes socially inadequate. He’s bold and doesn’t give a damn about what others think. He plays by his own rules and he’s a hunter.
So to the girl this guy is a G O D. She likes him, because she thinks she is being ignored although in reality she’s being played. The girl wants to get down with this alpha, because she figures “If I’m with him then I am special and I’ve made it where everyone else has failed”. But little does she know that the guy just wants to get in her knickers. So it’s sort of a symbiosis.
Fast forward ten years. The bad guy… well, we don’t really care about him. The girl has just started realizing that alpha males = sex, sex, break up in a lot of tears. And at this point the girl begins her transformation as a “Burnt”. Now she knows that bad guys are actually bad.
I’m willing to bet that there isn’t a single pretty girl walking this earth that has not fallen (willingly) a victim to those alpha dudes.

Now the burnt is pushing 40, she wants to have kids, but she’s sort of old and not so popular with the guys she use to hang out with. She knows that bad guys are irresponsible and unreliable so she has her eyes opened now – I want a guy that is confident, smart, kind and caring.
Only, those guys have already settled with the “not-so-attractive” girls and they live their happily ever after.

To be honest, I care little about girls now, because I’ve had plenty of brush-offs and I sure as hell am not going to change just so I can get laid by one of those shallow excuses for women. That being said, I don’t loose hope, because I know that there is a girl I could fall for.

Hey everyone,

I’ve said this before, but if you’re completely miserable it’s not because you’re single. Being single isn’t a disease that you catch, it’s just something that happens in between dates. Being single doesn’t make you any less worthwhile than anyone else.

What I’m reading a lot of here is that people are unhappy in their lives and you’re focusing on just one aspect: being single. Hey, I know that there are times when you really wish that someone was there, that’s why I wrote this post. Personally, I’m going on almost two years without a single date. This is probably for the best because I’ve had some things I’ve needed to work out in my life that probably wouldn’t have been possible if I was trying to sustain a healthy relationship as well. It wasn’t always easy, but my life is much better now than it was the last time I had a steady girlfriend.

There’s a lot of great advice on this site for dealing with all the range of emotions associated with being single. I’d encourage everyone to take a look at these, in particular:

Make your life special

It’s the self esteem, stupid

Loneliness or depression?

Why do girls go for assholes?

Don’t let this one aspect of your life rule everything else. Try to be thankful for what it is that you do have instead of focusing on what you don’t. People won’t be attracted to you if you’re lost in self-pity and depression. Think about it, the people you probably wish were yours are likely healthy, strong, energetic, and upbeat. If you can figure out what in life can make you like that, then you’ll be fulfilled regardless of your relationship status.

Here! Here! Zack there is always something new we can learn and love about ourselves. Maybe we’re sick of being alone but is there something else that could use your attention. For instance my focus is: Trying to be neater (actually seeing my floor w/out clothes on it), connecting with all my elderly relatives (before I can’t anymore)and becoming a fine physical specimen so my nephew doesn’t outrun me this year!

Cheers,
Lala

Hey All,

I like your poem (or whatever it is you wrote) and can identify completely with it, especially the part about sleeping and waking up alone and going to plays alone.

I’m also very very tired of being single. I’m only 22 years old, BUT I’ve been single for a VERY long time. Infact I’ve only had one real girlfriend in my life. I always try to get a girls phone number if I know I probably won’t see her again, but she never wants to go out. Everyone I know has a gf/bf, but not me. What I really need is a dating coach. Someone who can follow me around secretly on dates and give me feedback and advice on what to do. Does anyone know someone like that?

Lonely guy,
Peter

Hey Peter,
I am going to give you all the advice you need. Its actually so simple that we tend to overlook it. Be yourself in a confident way. Be proud of the person you are. Don’t think that you will never see this girl again and you must get her number. If a woman is interested she will let you know. Simply be confident with the fact that you are a good guy and a good catch for any lady. Walk around with a smile on your face knowing there are a lot of women who are also lonely. Be nice and flirt and listen but most of all be the best person you can be for yourself. Women notice a smile its our way of saying hello in a nice way without ever saying a word. Be fulfilled with who you are and don’t be afraid to show your true self.

I am finally starting to understand this. I guess.

A good friend. I actually asked myself If I am ready and clearly I am not because I don’t feel happy with my life right now so I won’t be able to keep him happy too. Period.

Why was I even thinking about meeting people who doesn’t mean anything in my life when this guy right here is the one I want but it’s all wrong timing.

Mirnsight,

Thanks for the warm advice. Are you a guy or a girl? Whichever, if you live in a big place it is important to get a girl’s phone number, because you may never see her again. If the interaction goes well, and you don’t ask for her number, you may never see her again and then kick yourself for not having siezed the opportunity. Aside from that I believe you’re correct about the confidence part, but you still have to take action or nothing will happen. Trust me on this.

Im only 19 years old. I am female. I have been screwed over by men many times. I am a very nice person and many men say that I am the most beautiful person they have ever seen. But it is so hard for me to find people. I am smart, I will be graduating this year with my bachelors degree (i started college when I was 15). I know that I am not that old and people have told me all the time that I am not old enough to be concerned about these things. But Im tired of being by myself. Im tired of seeing happy couple together and going to events by myself.

It is hard to be confident about the situation. The only person I ever really loved is a junkie and doesnt are about me or himself.

I just need advice on how to find somebody that wont sit and lie to me and just accept me for who I am.

Asia I am certainly not trying to affend you but are you looking to hard for the guy of your dreams. It sounds like you are an awesome young lady maybe you should try and enjoy yourself and you’ll happen to run into Mr. tite when you least expect it. I’m not sure this is what you want to hear but I hope it helps you. I know being single is tough but I think your being hard on yourself just in the little bit you wrote I see you have a lot to offer a man. I think other men notice this as well so I really hope you don’t beat yourself up over this!

“I just need advice on how to find somebody that wont sit and lie to me and just accept me for who I am.”

i think thats what we’re all gunning for, isnt it?

Hi …,

Please don’t waste your time on guys who won’t accept you for who you are. You are unique, and have your wonderful qualities to offer someone. I’ve learnt that if a guy doesn’t accept you for who you are, there are plenty out there who will! All I can comment on is my own subjective experience which I don’t want to project onto to you.I know that I’ve attracted the innappropriate guy unconsciously because I wasn’t ready for the “right” guy. The uncomfortable guy felt comfortable as it was familiar. It may have been my way of keeping a wall up as I wasn’t ready for various reasons..The point I want to make is though, that we all have a gut instinct which guides us, and we can ignore and sometimes we choose to ignore it..

Julesxx

Dear….

I just read over my comment,and in summary what I was trying to state ineloquently was that you should listen to your gut! Sometimes we choose not to for various reasons. I don’t know this guy and it’s not helpful anyway to wonder about his motives when all we can truly change is our own behaviour and our reactions to other’s actions. Don’t be too hard on yourself…it takes time, I’m a work in progress!

xx

for some time i was regretting my actions for putting up a wall on this guy cuz of his unknown motives. all i know is things are really fun as friends until he started flirting which felt uncomfortable and i start to get confused cuz i know he is dating other girls.

most of the time i think i say and do the wrong things when he is trying to tell me something cuz of course i don’t know how to react but he continued to be annoying and then he changed and we got bored.

in the end i figured he is not satisfied. does he not want to just be friends? i don’t see him anymore and we lost contact. he just disappeared all of a sudden which is funny cuz this is not the first time. some months or weeks will pass and he’ll try to ‘update’ and renew our friendship.

well, he did say he likes me and i know he’s a busy guy but still spends time with me. he gives me gifts, he’s into my hobbies. omg as i am typing this i just realized he’s such a great guy. i am an idiot. it’s kinda all new to me since no one has given me that kind of attention that long and somehow i’ve taken it for granted? i couldn’t believe why would this guy like me when i can’t even stand myself some time and i actually see myself being alone forever.

now i feel like i just pushed away the guy who accepted me for what i am cuz i was afraid to accept him in my life and i also think he can get someone better than me.

but as i look at it, there is nothing to hate here. i don’t hate him and i know he will come back when things get fine. we had the best time of our lives when we are together and it was pure fun. i really wished him happiness and that i did not cause him any suffering or most of all, wasted his time.

as for me, my task is done and in my life i have this rule to never leave anyone behind and accept those i see as empty as i am to just have fun and learn from each other.

but along the road, i think it’s really interesting that people see you lonely, they wonder why you are, be really into it without knowing it, and they would want your heart without a clear reason.

i have been single for so long i’m so used to it. just busy doing the things i love and get confuse when some guys try to be a part of my life and whenever they try to, my world shatters cuz it reminds me of the real world i should participate on.

i really enjoy meeting people and the phase of knowing each other but i could not offer more than that. well there are some guys i do like but for some reason i just can’t continue and it hurts. whenever i think i lost ‘the one’ cuz i am being stupid, i have this thought in mind and advice to others:

one day, somewhere, you will meet someone who will stay. he will not be someone better or greater but someone special, he will understand and he will have this characteristics you will love and when things happen, you will know what to do since the heart have thought you that, you will be ready and it will be the right time. it will be perfect. be sad if you must but don’t grieve so long my friend. forgive them, wish them happiness. you will never find the one if you won’t help yourself to move on. be the best that you can be. don’t wait for life. cherish everyday and be happy.

well what can i say? i am romantic. sorry for the long post. i don’t have a blog!

To Xxx
This is actually my first time on this site.And I wasn’t ready to read what everyone else wrote, so i picked to read yours =p.In my personal opinion i think you over think the situation your in.You over think it so much that you let your mind decide what you love and don’t love instead of your heart.From what i read, your love for this person is nothing more then respect.Respect is not love, and don’t let that fool you.You respect him because he was there for you when no one else was.But thats what friends are for, and if you do cross that line you’ll end up getting hurt.I was in the same position as you, not to long ago.You will know when you found that right guy.It will hit you so hard that you will be shocked to reread the blog that you posted.I know you didn’t ask for advice from a stranger.But in all honestly no matter how pretty or smart you are a word of advice is always needed =).Better yet don’t take it as advice heh, take it as me simply agreeing to you ^-^.

In life you will face alot of hardships.But take those hardships as a blessing. Since without them you would not appreciate the morning sunrise.

Hah not to bad huh.To you it may come naturally, but to me it was like trying to learn french all over again(failed it twice in highschool and once in college ;_;).

I’ve only read a few comments on here, but I read the full post. And the only thing I can offer to say is, I found love when I stopped looking for it and just concentrated on other things in my life. Yes, it hurts. But it gets easier. And then one day something happens, and you meet someone and you just know it’s there. You don’t fear rejection, you just get on with getting to know each other and it happens naturally. And it feels so good! So hang in there guys. There is someone out there that will love you for you and you’ll have fun while you do it. Why does it have to be so pressurised? Love should be fun. So go have fun!

I can so relate to everything you are saying. Pretty, young, talented successful. No reason whatsoever to be single but always single.. always been dumped… eveyone around meets someone.. getting engaged etc etc…

I have been running from city to city.. country to country… but really all I have been running away is from lonliness.. I dont know if things are going to change but hope is the only thing that keeps me going…

i’m back to the busy life but why the hell am i back here? just loling on my old post. ah not really. daniel, i appreaciate it, thanks.

I’m tired of being single too. Actually really tired. Like, I give up, fine I’ll settle tired.

Really, really tired. And not just because I want companionship, I want sex. Yeah, I said it.

Mostly though, I want connection, and I want to be connected to someone other than family and friends.

wow. just when i think i can’t take another emotional beating, it happens. after being out of a relationship for over 4 years I finally met someone on Christmas Day while flying overseas. I always leave the country because I get so depressed even thinking about going to other married friends homes with all their wonderful immediate/extended family members. Oh, that to me is the worst. So, hope finally came into my life! We travelled around for a while until he flew back to the states. He loves me so much, he wants to marry me, he can’t wait to have kids with me, just look at all the homes that we can move “I just love you so much, I can’t wait to see you” turned into “I don’t really want to settle down, I don’t want to move, I’m not really into having a relationship right now.”

What? What just happened. So I was dumped. I’m 38 years old going to be 39 in a month. I work out of my home so I feel like the world is just spinning around me while I’m unbearably lonely.

Apparently, from what I hear, I’m really attractive, well-educated, extremely well-travelled, funny, compassionate, open…

I pulled myself up from being in bed all day and decided to just go out. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY FRIENDS IS MARRIED. So, I’m the only loser (who apparently has so much going for her) that she has to go out by herself, alone, again… I sucked it up last night and decided to go on a date. I was so nervous that it took me 3 hours to get ready! I must have changed outfits 10 times. I was feeling great. While I’m in the cab on the way to the restaurant to meet a man I talked to briefly on Yahoo! Personals, I get a call saying his ‘buddies’ called and he’s going out with them instead. Raincheck for tomorrow? 5 minute cancellation notice.

I had the cab driver turn the car around and drop me off on a pretty bustling street, literally crashed a wedding party then went home.

Today, I’m still looking over at the side of my bed that is never used. Why do I have a California King. It’s like sticking a fork in my heart night after night after night.

I’m so lonely and feel so isolated that if I died, I’m pretty sure it would take over a week before anyone noticed. Don’t worry, I’m not going to kill myself…

I’m just saying that even though I have 8 very close girlfriends, they are so busy with their husbands, their children, their families, that I barely see them anymore. And as sure as I’m breathing I’m tired of the advice I do get from them “you’ll find him”, “you just haven’t met the right one yet”, ect… My God. Make it stop!

This once extremely active, incredibly social, funny, happy woman is now the weird old cat lady whose future includes handing out hard candy to little children on Halloween.

I know I’m depressed. I still keep putting myself out their with a big smile on my face. A complete waste of time. I’d rather stay home and get bedsores from atrophy.

I’m name my eggs. Literally. And turning 39, well… let’s just say I have to go bury my head in a pillow and cry now.

Thanks for letting me spill my guts.

Life’s a female dog, darling.

And, yeah, being told that you’ll “find” that special someone is practically and abuse from where I stand.
I admire your courage and I applaud you for keep trying to fir it in, but I honestly feel as if some of us are simply cursed to walk the path alone.
I’ve came SO CLOSE to being with girls I really wanted to be with and share my life with, but then it always goes wrong. And it’s not like I’m not a friggin catch too. Geez, what do people want?
So I am officially done, babe. That is it!
I’m not going to put my heart on the line again just so one of those fake-ass wannabees can have her time of the day and then decide I’m not good enough or just too easy.
I’m surrendering to drawing and my job and hope that one day I’ll wake up and I’ll be 75 with just a month left to live. Maybe then I’ll feel sorry for myself. Until that time, I refuse to admit and believe that I need another human being in order to be happy, complete or whatever.
Hope that you can find your little piece of happiness out there.
Best of luck to ya.

i really miss my friend. and i think for a moment i loved someone. although i’m not sure what love really is. i wonder if we’ll be able to talk again someday. it’s just really stupid, i dunno. i’ve never thought of anyone like this again and i’m not even sure if he cares. i need time off. life goes on and since i’m ok being alone it’s cool and i just really hope that his nights are not as lonely as mine cuz he’s a nice guy and i want him to be happy or at least if he’s the nice guy as he appears to be oh well, at least i get to focus on the more important things. i am spamming huh?

Just thought I’d check back in.

Unfortunately things didn’t work out with us. The break up was really recent, too. He broke up with me this past weekend.

He says the reason he wanted to end it is because he can’t give me the attention I want and need, and that wasn’t fair to me. He said he didn’t want to hurt me, but guess what? He hurt me really bad. This was the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the guy I wanted to start a family with. I truly believed he was my soulmate.

What brought this all on is he took a second job for this summer and he said he’ll be working seven days a week. I told him very early on that I was OK with him working another job and I didn’t want all of his time, just a little bit of it and I wanted to know that I was loved and one of the most important people in his life. He said he was going to make sure he made time for me. Obviously he wasn’t going to try too hard or he would’ve figured out a way to juggle it all. If nothing else he could’ve sat down and talked to me about it and we could’ve figured it out together.

The other thing that pissed me off is he was making all these decisions and plans for his life without asking me what I thought or how I felt. When I told him that made me mad he said that those decisions weren’t mine to make and they weren’t any of my business. I didn’t want to make those decisions for him, but I wanted him to know what I thought and felt and I wanted to know that was extremely important to him. I told him that I wanted to support him 100% in everything he did, but I can’t do that if he doesn’t care about my thoughts and feelings and if he doesn’t tell me what’s going on.

So as of right now, we’re done. I haven’t heard from him since yesterday, and I really don’t care if I do or not at this point in time. I wanted this to work out so bad and, as usual, it failed. I really am beginning to think that it’s me and I’m doing something horribly wrong, because before I got with him I hadn’t been in a relationship for over five years. Every time I tried something got screwed up.

So now I’m just gonna lay low for awhile and see what happens.

I agree wholeheartedly. I’m so tired of thinking that a nice girl is interested in me, only to ask her out and be flatly rejected. I’m so tired of people saying “There’s someone out there for everyone” and that “You’ll meet her one day and appreciate her more because of all the girls you had to go through to get there”. It’s such a miserable, debilitating, lonely, frustrating load of crap. These cliches are spouted simply to keep people like me from throwing themselves from a tall building!

Sorry to hear that Chasity. But from what I gather I think you’re better off on your own than with that guy. Creep…
*Hugs*

James:

Don’t make ‘em smile by jumping from a building, man. The world can’t bear another girl with her head in the clouds whilst guys are jumping off buildings, ’cause of her. Just find something productive and wrap your head around it. Who knows… maybe you’ll get lucky one day, but until that time just be yourself. At least that’s what I intend to do.

Yep Zack, tired arent we all. i dont know how alone feels anymore. I’m so numb i couldnt feel it anymore, i tried to laugh but nothing came out, i tried to cry but the tears just wouldnt drop.Not tht i’m bitchin or braggin at life, I’m in my mid 20s prime age, promising career, handsome young chap, i’ve got hit by gals, but i just ignored, i’ve hit at gals, but got brushed away, after a few rounds of that and i gave up, thinking that i could live by it.

The problem is i’ve not been in a single relationship. Its not that i’m gay or a loser, its just that i felt bored with the ladies around my social circle, i’m just not compelled to initiate any attempt to start something. I dont know whether have i over romantasize love, i just kept fantasizing and waiting and hoping that there’s got to be somebody out there.

Finally i met this beautiful gal, sweetest smile, the one that i have been hunting for all this while. she hit each and every soft spot of mine ,i would term it as its a very rare and unique specimen, i felt that she seems to be the only person that could only understand and connect with me, hell even the closest buddies doesnt understands me. we met at work, we worked on a same project, now that the project is about to end, she is leaving, going back to her home country.

she was seeing this guy and insisted they were close friends, so did the guy, unfortunately and regretfully i didnt buy that and i kept asking and pressured her and i guess i just turned her off. and now shes giving me the the cold shoulder and insisted we should stay some distance back since she will be going back. Now that my gut tells me that i will definetly and absolutelt regret big time if i walked away frm this . knowing that i had to walk out on the deal, my hope for finding that somebody out there just vanished, diminished poooofffff psssssttttt… all gone. Please advise

Hey reaching earth,

Sorry to hear you are going through what seems like a hard time over this..I’ve had those connections and it’s so much more painful as it is seems so rare to find that deep connection..I don’t believe in soulmates, I think if you have an open heart there will be many women to connect with as trite as that sounds..it sounds like you tried and maybe your gut instinct was right? or maybe you felt insecure as this had happened before.. try not to beat yourself up too much. I think love and a compatible fit if it’s right shouldn’t be that hard? take care of yourself..

I’m going through this now. I’m 30 yrs old, single, and I want to get married soon. My parents REALLY wanna see me married but I want to find the RIGHT person ya know? I’m not picky….I just need to marry someone who I can tolerate yet also enjoy their company. I’m tired of being alone too. People think there is something wrong with me for being single…I’m tired of feeling like a reject because I’m single. It just hasnt happened yet to me.

I’m sitting here along, as always, on the eve of my 40th birthday feeling more sad and alone than I ever have in my entire life. It’s been 13 years since the divorce, and I STILL don’t have anyone! Is God punishing me? I HATE the quietness of this house – and like many of you, the TV has become a comfortable friend in the absence of conversation with another human. I’m so glad I found you guys – it’s nice to know other people feel the same way. Makes me wish we could all get together and have one big kick-ass party! Wouldn’t that be great. Glad I’ve found you.

Hi everyone,

This is a great post because it shows our true feelings of being single, yes it is very hard to be single but yet it is better than being in a yo yo relationship where you do not know where you going or where you are starting from. I can say that most of my life I been single, and the only relationship I had was very hurtful but I blame myself of being naive. My ex never liked me because I am overweight, and he thought that was unacceptable. I was pushed so hard that I lost 80lbs just because he said so, but after we broke up i gained back what i lost. And I remained 3 years after keeping touch with him but it was not worse it. However, I never had with him sex or any one else and that was a gain for me. But what I am doing now, it is far greater than I thought. I am 24 yrs old,a New Yorker, who works full time, doing her Master, and who is a member of a fitness boot camp and this time I am losing weight for myself not for someone, and about self esteem sometimes it was up and others was down but now it is always up. I am proud of who I am and I think I may find someone who can be part of my life and If I never did that will be fine. Everything happens for a reason.

Dawn:

Maybe if we had a party like that most of us (Hopefully all of us, though!) would find members of the opposite sex that we have other things in common with other than loathing being single, and then maybe we wouldn’t be single anymore. =-)

Anyway, things are going a little better for me. I still really hurt from time to time, but I get a little better every day. It’s a one-day-at-a-time process. What’s the most difficult is seeing him at work. What’s even more difficult is the fact that he won’t talk to me, so I feel like I’m being punished for something I didn’t do. I still really miss him.

But I can’t change his mind on his decision to end it. I left him a message on MySpace and told him that when he’s ready to talk to me I’ll be here and he knows how to get a hold of me. Until then I’m leaving him alone.

I’ve decided that I want to go back to church. I haven’t gone for a couple of years because of my work schedule, but I found a church that I think I’m really going to like. I think I just need to focus on other things right now and meet new people and develop a stronger relationship with God, and then if it’s in His will for me He’ll lead me to the person he wants me to be with. Maybe I just need to let Him take over for me.

Hey Everyone,

I was searching for this old Al Green’s song “tired of being alone” and found myself reading this very human Post.

I’m 26, Single and living in France – Lyon exactly -.To be honest, the first thought that comes to me when reading this is that’s all True but the reactions are “for me” too negative. Most of people say that they have friends who are in couple and everything’s Ok for them. I’m sorry to say that but you can’t know if a couple is happy. They’ll always show you the best parts of their relationships even your true and close friends.

I live my life like Rebecca wells once said: “To wake up every day and play the hand I’ve been dealt as best I can…” and what i mean by this post is : People, Do your best! Smile to people you don’t know wherever you are (Highway-Mall-Library …), don’t be cold to your neighbour when you’re taking a plane, Bus or Metro, don’t stay at home in front of your PC when it’s sunny outside, Get out and meet people!!there’s no perfect person , but there are perfect moments you can live!

PS : I was once walking alone on a wonderful beach in Morocco and felt like, God I wanna share this with someone but nobody was beside me…I was really Sad and Suddenly, from nowhere came to me a child (3 or 4 Yrs old maybe) He had escaped his playful parents and ran towards me with arms wide open. I carried him, he made me a kiss on the cheek and by a sign of his cute face, he made me put him down ! I smiled to his parents who smiled back and it was a magnificent moment engraved in my memory forever

great post! thanks for sharing

i agree with you Zach. :However, sometimes when you need someone to smile at your face you do not find him/her easily.

Me personally I am a fun person to be around with. My smile never left my face. But sometimes when I am feeling down I have to fake my smile because all the people around consider me as a joyful person who never complain and that is hard. So now I am trying to be a normal person and complain when I need to.

About the beach. I have a similar example as well. The differences that I was talking to my friend while we were sitting their and asking her ” why I am still single in this wonderful day at the beach” 5 min later I found a baby maybe 26 months who left his parents and his sibling to set next to me and that was hilarious because he probably stayed with me for two hours and each time his parents want to take him he always refused. And that seriously made my day.

Well it this post just doesn’t hit home!?!

It made my heart ache for not just myself but all of you struggling with being a one in a world geared for twos.

I think what hurts me most and I’m sure you’ve all heard this too, is when your friends and family tell you, “You’ve got it so easy… you don’t have to answer to anyone. You can do whatever you want.” Blah, blah, blah, whatever. Yup that’s easy alright!

So to all of you beautiful, handsome, smart, sexy, successful, amazing beings out there I say chin up, if we stay open and relax into our single lives what wish for will eventually happen. It’s kinda like being a kid at Christmas. We waited and waited and waited and it seemed like forever before Christmas would come, but it did. Or like when we obsess about lost keys… the harder we look the less likely we are to find them but when we take pause and breathe easy, it is then that we remember we left those keys or that our vision becomes clear enough to see what is before our eyes.

Life as is love is all about acceptance and letting go. Embrace where you are at at this very moment for resistance is giving permission to opposition. Being where you are allows to see all of your options.

All best wishes from a fellow struggling 36 year old single girl who wants nothing more than to be someone’s everything.

Hey Zack
you are not alone in this being alone situation. I am very lonely smart have a good career and is hoping to meet Mr right someday.
.

perfect….im tired too!

Hi Everyone,

I’ve been reading these posts now…and I’m surprised myself that they are still going! Anyway..here goes. I’m 25 going on 26 here in ..well actually a month exactly. I’ve been in 2 serious relationships and one half-assed one. The first last almost 3 years..the second 9 months..and the most recent lasted almost 3 years. It’s been so tumultuous. I know I should be living it up, blah blah, but it’s so hard sometimes to do exactly that. Especially when the few friends I do have end up letting me down. So then I think, “well if I don’t let people too close, I can’t be let down.” I know it’s unhealthy, and I know I still try to let them close, but anyways. The most recent relationship..I thought he was the one. Ha! To my surpise (I know..I’ve heard..”how could that be a surprise to you..hello!) he was using pain killers and moved on to injecting drugs. Oddly enough, I’m going for my PhD to be a therapist..and this was going on all under my nose. Even though I feel so betrayed and alone, I still hang out with him even though I know it’s not healthy for me because I just don’t move on. I’ve tried to date, and actually did for a month with this one guy. However, that turned out to be a total flop. He was the one breaking the “dating rules,” yet when I tell him that I have had some issues in the past (with trust)..he freaked and ran the other way. I try to be up front and honest because I know my other traits and the things going for me should outweigh other things..they definitely didn’t. Yeah, I have heard the “you are so beautiful, petite, independent, have everything going for you, strong, smart” and ..well to be honest..I get that for the hundredth time. So what drives guys away..or just repels them? I like to party, but I know when enough is enough. I know that my career aspirations are pretty high considering others I know. I live alone…and I have since last July. It REALLY is sad…I’ve had maybe 4 visitors total since then. I wake up alone-silence. I don’t mind having the bed to myself. The messes I make are mine. I have to turn the tv on, like most of you, just so it’s not so quiet. It’s hard to focus on school knowing I have all of these life issues going on. I tend to put others first (family, especially, because they mean the world), but then my school work lacks. I don’t really want to meet guys at school because they are either not attractive, not my type (jerks, I guess), don’t seem to “get” me, or are already taken. I just want someone to travel with…to see a movie with..to go to dinner with..to chat with..to go fishing with…and I can’t find one single person who wants to because they are either working, have someone to go home to, aren’t interested in movies, aren’t interested in fishing, or have a significant other that they travel with. So what about me?! I really don’t even grocery shop anymore because I end up throwing everything out bc it gets old. I want a puppy, because I think it would keep me grounded and busy, but my landlord is not loving the idea. I’ve considered taking a trip by myself, but I know my parents will be nervous about it (as will I) because I am a small woman. Not an idiot, but you get the picture. here it is..2:39 est…and instead of studying, I lay here awake, online, and lonely. I have a problem with living in the present…..I know I should do that more. Anyways, a lot of these posts really hit the spot…and despite the postiive messages, I find it hard to believe I will ever find that “one” person who will just “get” me. I always said I’d be old, alone, rich, with a lot of animals. When I was 12 and said it, I thought I was joking…I know some of you will read this and think “she’s young–she has plenty of time” but what about now? I’m not asking for a life committment, just someone to travel with and spend time with. I guess I’m asking too much?

Maybe you’re being a bit too judgmental about this? I was thinking you could give some guys a chance.
I’m just saying, but you seem quick to dismiss people (not pretty enough, not interested enough) and so on. Perhaps there are some shy guys you’ve overlooked? I don’t know.
But, yeah, being single just sux, because you get to receive sympathy and whatnot from people who are in relationships. Ah, you’re happy with someone – we get it!

I’m sure there are some that I’ve overlooked…And it’s not sympathy I want from people who are in relationships. Who is the ‘someone’ I am happy with? Myself? They heroin user that is going to prison soon? Umm not quite the “prince” I imagined. And not something I am willing to settle for either. I’m not the one who doesn’t try to give some guys a chance…it seems that if I don’t want to jump into a dating relationship of some sort..then they don’t want to be my friend. So, I chalk that one up, too. Perhaps that being judgmental is human…I can’t throw all bias out the window.

guys are direct. if he likes you, he’s going to want to “jump into a dating relationship” chrissy, even if its on an unofficial and very casual level. they’re not going to pussy foot around on a just friends level…….

Yeah, pretty much so.

And when I said “give some guys a chance” I never meant people you wouldn’t date out of obvious reasons. Addictions etc. Anyway, you got the point.

Well, the only way is to keep trying I guess. Eventually it SHOULD work in your favor. I mean… what are the odds, right?

be grateful you’ve at least had solid and long lasting relationships in the past. only relationship I’ve ever had lasted a little less than a month, and its been 2 years since that……..

talk about feeling inadequate and lonely….

5 years here. And I’m in my prime for crying out loud. I should be beating girls off with a stick.
One has to come to terms with one’s life I suppose. Being alone is not all that bad, right?

I guess you guys are right. I’m just always used to jumping in..and it ends disastrous. Every time. The solid and long lasting relationships were based on lies..really. The one that really counted anyway, was a mere lie. I would rather have relationships that didn’t last long that were at least honest. A companion wouldn’t be all that bad..someone to count on..someone I could call a best friend.. Being alone is one of the existential searches for meaning..accepting that you came into the world alone and will leave that way..so it’s supposed to be natural with accepting yourself and being alone. I’d love to come to terms with that…but we are social beings. Listen to this..I went to this little gathering and the women there were like showing me off on display like I was at a dog show…”look how pretty…spin around and show everyone the whole package” I was like..are you serious? This is what it’s come to? Trying to hook me up with some strange boy …am I that desperate? What the hell..that’s what was going through my mind. In front of like 15 people, at least. Ugh. Perhaps I’d rather be alone than be shown off like …”and the grand prize is a date with Chrissy.” Whooopee! And where the hell is my grand prize? How ridiculous. I guess I’m either a.) not looking at all lol…or b.) looking wayyyy to hard. I just need to say screw it and do whatever I feel like. That’s usually when someone comes along..but I’m tired of the someones..I want the one. Hahahaha what a joke

I agree.

I’m sick of hearing about everyone else and their love life, sick of seeing all the couples out there.

and very sick of sitting alone night after night without anyone to share my time with.

It makes me feel hugely insignificant.

Everyday gets a little harder for me. Waking up from the only sanctuary I have in life. Knowing that you’re not wanted and basically not someone’s “type.” Then out of the blue, a beautiful girl asks if I want to go out with her only to realize that I was duped and used just for a date. We had a great time, but I was told after the date that she “does not date.” I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of the game. I figure that I need to accept my fate as a single male.

It’s so sad to read all these comments. Now I realise how many single people are there. And that’s pathetic.
Looks like we share the same feeling but neither of us has an answer how to deal with loneliness if not how to find our soul mate… The only thing we can do is to share our feelings, confort each other and BELIEVE that some day the situation will change and we all will have loving people next to us.
Don’t give up, guys. Life is full of unexpected things.

I feel so bad every time someone post something. I know it feels bad to be single even if you are nice, cute, handsome, educated and so on. Well I am single for the last 3 years, and trust me the years are moving fast. I am growing old but wise. Everyday in our lives we grow and become much better.

I have a suggestion, it may sound weird well since we are a group of single males and females who really hate the fact of being singles. How about if we start to know each other and we may like each other or at least from all of us at least 2 people can find a common interest. We may find two people live in the same city . Even if we become friends that will be a gain as well.

I will start with myself general intro.

My name is Dee or to be more honest it is what some people call me.
I am almost 25 yrs next month.
A New Yorker.
An Employee
A Full Time Master Student.
I am doing now a fitness boot camp and trying to go the gym regularly to lose some weight.

If you need to know more just ask. I am a good friend too.

See you later, Happier

This seems to be a very common problem that crossess age, race, gender and socioeconomics.

It is frustrating and exhausting to constantly feel that you have to get out there.

The energy required, the expense required and the emotional fallout is major.

We are all in the same boat, but we have to hang in.

It’s a numbers game, and a timing thing, pure and simple.

Be the best you can be, physically and mentally.

The rest will come

My story is almost the same as yours, and my heart bleeds deeply for you.

May we find someone one day.

I just want a pretty girl who smells nice, and enjoys my company.

I can do without sex, but I want to love, and be loved in return.

I am the good, loyal friend, the honorable, honest man.
The shoulder, and the ear to the tormented, and yet when I am alone, no one is there for me, no one to lean on, so I must stand on my own.

It has made me very bitter, and I cry out for my lost innocence, and wonder if I can ever really love again.

I too am tired of searching for the right person. Most of my efforts resulting in dead ends and disappointment. On the other hand I know some guys that would give anything to
be in my shoes due to miserable relationships. That said,
it still isn’t any easier spending the majority of my time alone. Seems like it’s harder than ever to meet anyone that
I really hit it off with. When I do, inevitably, they are
ALWAYS married or in a relationship. Believe me, there’s
nothing worse than thinking you may have finally met the
person you’ve been hoping to meet only to have your hopes
dashed once again. It’s been a few years since my last
relationship and I don’t necessarily miss her but I miss the
companionship. I’m too embarrased to state my age so I’ll
only say it doesn’t get any easier the older you get. I am
self employed and work, you guessed it, alone. Maybe it’s
my imagination but I think sometimes my relatives and friends think either I’m gay or there is SOMETHING WRONG
with me. The conclusion that I’ve come to is that “MOST”
women are either gold diggers or just plain idiots who
don’t deserve to be treated with respect. Seems they like to be shit on by some jerk-off. Are there guys out there that act the same way? ……Absolutely! What it comes down to is I’m just tired of it all and thinking my destiny is to be alone. Being the odd man out at parties and other
events leaves me feeling like crawling in a hole or
wishing I had stayed home. Sometimes I can handle it pretty good but other times it reminds me of the terrible ache of
lonliness. Then there are those times I’m glad to be single
and free. Talk about rollercoaster emotions. Anyway, if there is a lesson in all of this I think it’s that maybe
we’re looking for someone like our mother or father and
deep down we all know it probably isn’t going to happen but
we still hold out hope, and remember friends, hope is a good thing! I’m gonna end this rant now! Good luck to all.

THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH KEEPING HOPE UP, IS THE LACK OF EVIDENCE OUT THERE.

I HAVE BEEN ON APPROX 150 DATES OVER THE LAST FEW YEARS, ONLY A HANDFUL WERE WORTHWHILE AND THOSE DID’NT FEEL THE SAME OR TURNED OUT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP OF SOME SORT BEHIND MY BACK.

IT’S VERY FRUSTRATING AND CAN LEAD TO FEELINGS OF LOW SELF ESTEEM, BLAMING ONE;SELF AND HOPLESNESS.

KEEP THE FAITH AND BEING POSITIVE DESPITE THE RECORD IS THE HARDEST THING!

Hey livid, I agree with you. There isn’t much evidence out there. As far as someone having a relationship behind your back,been there,been thru that. I have very little hope of
finding someone. Don’t blame yourself though, it’s just the
times we live in. I’ve taken the attitude that I’m just
going to do the things that I like and stop searching for
someone that may not even exist. Yes, remaining positive is
the hardest thing and I must admit I’m not very good at it. Sometimes I don’t know what keeps me going other than the fact that there are others in the same boat and I have a few friends who are basically in the same situation. Most of my time is spent alone though, and I wish my cat could talk.

Ya Hank, the times we live in are a major factor.

I got married years ago when people actually thought that committed , monogamous relationships were desirable.

Women especially have ruined things. Freedom is wonderful, but now things have gone too far.

Jumping from person to person, the internet and all the social pressure to be independant has screwed with the natural need for women to be nurturers.

We are now out there in the world competing with men.

It’s great to be self sufficient but what is so wrong with needing a man. It has become a dirty word.

From what I hear, from the guys I have talked to they would welcome that,
anyway, there are those out there like us, just very few and far between

Good for you Livid. It’s not know that at least some of us have found happiness.

Today is one of those days I just feel like putting a gun to my head. It really seems pointless to drive on when life has taught me with virtual certainty that being butt ugly gets you nowhere with women.

Ah, screw it.

Oops, meant to say “nice to know”

I agree completely.

Hey Crafty,

There is always a way to improve on ourselves, mentally and physically.

Especially for you guys out there. Women are generally not so concerned with just “looks”

However having said that, you still have to keep up appearances. Just look at all the gay men out there, we women admire their grooming habits and style.

You can look at a issue of GQ and get some inspiration from that.

Take a female friend shopping with you, get a stylish haircut and if need be go to the gym.

Sad but true, the first thing we spot in people is thier appearance, so it helps get your foot in the door, just like a job interview.

Then the real fun starts, you can always work on yourself inside and out.

That actually feels like you are doing something proactive and positive, with some control of your future.

Take a look inside and out of yourself and really be objective.

You may not be happy with what you see right this moment, but you have the power to be the best you can be

I’m well groomed and I dress alright (was that too uppity?), but that can’t change the fact that I look like a mule.

And as for the gym part. Yeah, I need to do it, but I give up officially. I use to go there quite regularly, but my body hates me. I’m 6ft and only 135-140 pounds. No matter what I do, it never changes.

So I’d rather just say “enough” than keep on trying when it’s OBVIOUS it’s not gonna work.

Look at this place. People from all around the world in their 20′s, 30′s, 40′s and whatnots. If you’re single now, you’ll be single forever. Evidently something is wrong with us.

Hey, i may only be 21 but i know exactly how you feel, i think about how single i am everyday and everynight before i go to sleep, i mean i may not be as successful as most people but ive been told by many people that i look good and im fun to be around, im even the host at a restaurant. All of that being said i’ve still only ever been in 1 relationship thats lasted longer then a month, i was raised by my mom, didnt really have a father so im extremely romantic, but the only thing romance has got me is a broken relationship because apperantly a dozen roses and her favorite dinner was too “clingy” for our 1 year anniversary.

Sorry i know that was different from your story and i kinda strayed off, i was venting a little i guess :/

Hey guys,

Let’s get more positive on ourselves. You can always improve on what we don’t like.

There is an expression I have ” pounding the pavement” this applies to all walks of life.

Venting is healthy, keeps frustration levels down.

But venting is not the same as being defeatist.

That’s what these forums are for. To let out the negative and encourage the positive.

Keep your chin up.

You never know, no one does, whatever is around the corner good or bad, no one is as arrogant as to claim they KNOW that it is impossible.

So keep going out there, and put your best foot forward.

By all means, be as completely realized and confident as you can be. There will always be someone that likes you for you, as you are. And yes, still present a well put together package. But if that fish ain’t biting close to the shore, it may not be the bait: you may have to cast your net out wider and deeper. That could mean dating online away from your locale, road trips, international travel, a network of friends, etc. Yes, it’s risky and more costly, especially in these times. But it may be just different enough to work, you can always reinvent yourself away from what you know best, and being different from someone else’s norm may be just what you need. Get to it;)

I think that anything is possible. It’s certainly more of a long shot to cast your net out there, but nevertheless, keep trying.

It’s basically the luck of the draw.

P>S> As of this last weekend I got stood up by a guy that for the first time in a long time I actually had some interest in.

Over the past few weeks he has called, texted, we have been out twice, everything is great and than, you guessed it, no phone call no message….. NOTHING

For the guys out there I have one question WTF????

He called me, he asked me to get together and then, presto he disappears.

Someone tell me what is this all about before I lose my freakin mind!!!

Livid, you know what the answer for this is, you just may be trying to psychologize it. There really is no reason why for this behavior. He shouldn’t have made an effort without any real interest, and he should have been straight up honest with you if he wasn’t interested in the end. Honesty doesn’t require much beyond courage, so this speaks volumes. Unless he apologizes and fesses up and properly makes up for it, time to move on. Most women would have by now. We’re all adults, and the whole dating thing should be a no-brainer, especially because everyone’s time is so precious.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not wise to get too
close to someone.For one reason or another it always ends
up in disappointment or worse. This past weekend I was
asked the dreaded question once again,(How come you’ve never married? You’re a great outgoing guy and decent looking. How is it that you don’t meet great women?) Well,
the answer is still the same. There aren’t many to choose from! I’ve been in relationships and have treated women with nothing but respect and have nothing to show for my
efforts except heartaches and being used. I’m tired of the
lies and the games. I certainly don’t go out of my way to
meet women anymore. The lesson here is nice guys usually lose.

Honestly? Hank makes an really valid point. This summer, I decided I’d just be a dick and wouldn’t care.

I’ve been with two women now in the span of a month after going out twice with friends, and the second one turned into a relationship. Kind of. At first I acted like a cocky jerk, and she was completely hooked. And then I kind of opened up. It just didn’t work out because I’m going back to college… and neither one of us wanted to get too attached.

I don’t know.. I’d like to just be decent with a girl and have it take off, but it doesn’t seem to work that way. Still kind of confused but at least happy I’m catching onto the way this game is played.

I think in the end, you need to go out there and learn the “be a dick, get a girl” game… once you learn it, you exude a certain confidence that’ll let you get the right girl. Just my 2 cents.

Hank,

Be true to yourself and if you are a nice guy then be one.

How can you be anything other than that? There are a lot of idiots out there, I am a woman and I have very few friends because of just that.

There are just as many loser women out there as there are men. Men use women for sex and women use men for money. It’s not about you it’s about them. I know this sounds cliche but it’s true.

It is very hard to find the 2% of people who are really decent, that’s the real problem here, but changing who you are to be a “dick” to get someone is misguided, you will end up with the same type of chick that you were always finding.

So keep your integrity and you will meet someone who respects and admires you for your unique attitude.

Yeah Livid, I’ve been true to myself. That’s the reason I’m still unattached. I know what you’re saying and I’d have a very hard time being a “Dick”. God knows that I know plenty of them. Somehow people think they can take advantage of you
if you’re a nice person. It almost seems like a sign of weakness to some people. Truth is I’m neither weak or a dick. As far as my integrity, well it’s still intact. Just
dating for the sake of dating…….Waste of time!

Hank, Im glad to hear that your still the same guy. Just remember what you are looking for is approx 2% of the population.

Hang in there.

And meeting women for the freindship aspect is not the worst either.

It beats going out alone or with the guys all the time.

Just keep your eyes open and keep your mind open.

I know far too well the frustration level, I am finding the exact same thing.

But it’s people who try and take advantage of kindness that are the losers.

To the writer of this, you have expressed everything that is truly what those who are single and looking all feel. You know I’ve got family around and a handful of friends, and they always say the funniest things, “you’re not alone, you’ve got us.”

I wish to reply to them, so what you’re saying is I can forget the world and use you as someone to cuddle with and be strong for or be strong for me. It never seems to occur to them that it has nothing to do with the fact that just because you’re a person there, doesn’t mean that the connection of love affection and communion is there at the one male one female level.

It is like oh ok there’s other people around WOOO HOOO! It utterly means nothing, when you wake up and find no one is around, to make your heart flutter and make you smile without having to say a word, you sit alone in an empty apartment and find yourself jumping for joy anytime you get a little text message. It’s almost like not having a mate leaves you out of some big party that you never got invited to, which is the best party ever and everyone tells you how great it is, while alas you sit outside by the curb because the doorman decided one day that you’re off the list.

All of my friends, even those who we would never had guess would find a companion has a girlfriend or boyfriend. Now I’m the spare flat tire that gets dragged along when ever anything happens. When we hang out it’s like I’m the odd ball out, everyone kind of sticks to their mate and it makes me feel like I’m annoying them or something. The night gets latter into the evening and they keep giving me little glances as if to say “man just go home” and that really hurts. I don’t blame them for anything, they’ve done nothing wrong. It just really sucks, to be the man that seems to have pissed in everyone’s’ cornflakes simply because you showed up and what a surprise you haven’t got a girlfriend.

Well man hang tough, if ya let the frustration and depression level get to you (it sure has for me) you find yourself turning into a person you really never knew or wanted to become. Cold and spoiled to the world. As if everything is uneventful and not worth doing. Trust me you don’t want to let that happen.

Dear Depressed,

You are so articulate in your thoughts.

You have summed up the feelings and emotions that I feel all the time.

Do you know how many times people have told me the same damn thing over and over, ” How come you are single” You should have them lined up around the sidewalk, You could have any man you want.

If that were true I wouldn’t be writing this.

People say the same things to me, “Well at least you have lots of good friends”

Ya with their own lives and spouses

They don’t think about me on holidays or before the go to sleep, that’s what partners are for.

It’s just plain stupid to say things like that to single people, it’s patronizing to say the least.

I don’t have a solution.

I look after myself and take care of my appearance.

I am educated and keep learning on a daily basis, seminars ,cooking classes,
lectures,and so on

I socialize as much as possible, get out to different events and places.

But still a big zero on the relationship front.

I have met some interesting guys, a few I would be open to seeing, but as usual they don’t feel the same way.

I have at least 3 guys that call me non stop and are totally into me, and of course I have no interest in them.

Figures.

It just seems I can’t win from losing.

There is a tiny bit of comfort in knowing that I am not a crackpot and that there are others out there in the same deilema.

So I guess we cant only rant and rave here and then get back in the saddle for another ride.

Gook luck!

Believe me ,I know the feeling of being the odd man out. I
would probably get invited to events and parties much more
if I’d have a companion or spouse. One thing that is overlooked though is that a lot of relationships are not
what they seem from the outside looking in. Yes, they look happy and put on a good show but in reality their lives are
a living hell. Some would would probably love to be in the
situation we’re in here. That is not much consolation but
something to think about when we get too down on ourselves.
That said, there are still those times such as holidays,
Saturday nights,concerts, etc. where it would be nice to have someone to go out with and enjoy some sushi or to just
chat over a cup of coffee. This seems to be asking too much and maybe a little old-fashioned in a materialistic world.
I’m so tired of doing things and going places myself but the alternative, staying home,is usually more horrible in
comparison. As time goes by I ask myself if there really is such a person as the one i’m seeking or are most of the
relationships based on how much bullshit you’re willing
to put up with? Personally my hopoes are fading very fast
that someone I really hit it off with will come along. Let’s face it, most people either meet at school, college,
the workplace, or through mutual friends. Unfortunately
I’ve never met anyone worth while this way. I don’t need to tell you the odds of finding someone through a chance meeting. But as they say, longshots come in sometimes!
GOOD LUCK and GOOD HUNTING!

Yeah, it’s tough business it is.

But part of feels inclined to blame some of it on women.

The other day I went early to work and it was just my colleague and me. She’s good looking, but far from 10. Still, I thought she was cute. So I’m still new at this job and I guess she was interested. You know how women like to “inspect” men even if they are partly interesting.

She came to me and we had a very short conversation and I felt it! For less than a minute I could tell that she already finds me boring. All of the attraction that she had for me (and she did, I can tell) was just gone in an instant. She measured me from head to toes in less than thirty seconds and that’s it. Now she wouldn’t even say anything to me when we’re in a company of few people. She is just no longer interested. And it’s not like I’ve said anything to offend her. I just wasn’t “cool” and fun.

Now, that doesn’t mean that every woman has to like every man and vice versa, but to judge someone from a single conversation is plain dumb and shallow. To think of all the chances that have been blown, because we’re quick to judge… It’s ridiculous.

Whereas both sexes tend to do it, I think women are much more prone to it. Especially women with choice (those who are pretty enough to have multiple choices at any one time). Not pointing fingers here. I’m just making an observation.

Not long ago I got stood up by a great girl. Well, I thought she was great anyway. And that’s just it. Appearance can be deceiving. She seemed nice and sort of nuts (in the good way), but I asked her out on a date and she never came. I’ve got her on my skype contacts and ever since, she hasn’t said a word. Duh.

Anyways. Yeah, being in a relationship is probably not all that great. It’s kinda like buying a car.

First you want it real bad and it seems like everything you’ll ever need, but as time goes by you figure out that’s just what it is – a car. Nothing more, nothing less. It drives you to work, it can move stuff around and it will keep you warm during the winter, but sometimes it also breaks down and pisses you off. It requires maintenance and care and attention.
And now that you’ve driven it for a while you understand that it’s not what you thought it would be. I’m not saying “bad”. It’s just… ordinary thing to have.

But still, it’s hypocritical when people say “Oh, you don’t need that kind of headache, man”. Or my personal favorite: “I really envy you. Being single’s the best!”.

Well, it’s not. Sure, it’s not all that bad, but all in all it’s far worse than being in a relationship.

I think, however, we should be true to ourselves. Raise your hand all of you who’ve been too shy at one time or another to meet someone. Yeah, that’s right. It’s mostly (if not entirely) our fault.
Sometimes we’re too picky and sometimes we’re too selfish although it may not seem that way. And I know I have.

Even now there is this girl that I’m interested in, but I’m probably never going to muster up the courage to meet her, because she seems so much better than I am. Bah.

Today was a good day and I felt great. Not a moment of loneliness or self pity, but the wheel is turning. At one point I’ll feel like crap again and I think that’s how it works for everyone here. You get use to it, but I’m afraid that a person can be so use to it that he’ll feel comfortable in his little shell and one day he/she will wake up a grown man/woman and will realizes he/she has missed out on life.

Yes, the variables are huge when it comes to meeting someone.

First you both have to be in the same place at the same time

Then you each have to be attracted to each other.

You each have to be available, the right age and want to have a relationship with some one.

You r personalities and goals have to mesh.

When you see the things that have to line up in order for things to work, it is truly daunting.

I met some one the other day , who is nice looking and kind, ok first impressions were good. But then I find out he is 16 years my jr. unemployed and basically homeless.

This guy calls me non stop and can’t beleive why I don’t want to date him.

Yes he is nice, but the age difference is too great and I don’t want to be with a guy who is not motivated to work.

Then I met another guy who is my age, good looking, hard working, he wants to see me, but there is one catch, he has a live in girlfriend.

O ya he is “unhappy with her” but I don’t see any moving trucks in front of his house.

So there you go, some things line up but not enough to give any hope of going forward.

The odds of finding, just even enough variables to make a relationship even sensible, is so unlikely that hope seems dismal and it seems more likely to find a needle in a very large haystack.

“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”

“Sometimes God gives you what you want, just not the way you wanted it.”

I met my wife in 1997, but I almost didn’t. If I hadn’t run into my friend at the gate to a parking garage (he was going out with her sister, needed a “guest”), I would have gone to see The Full Monty instead and we would have never met. Even then, the sparks didn’t immediately fly: I was nothing like what she expected (Latino, without the look or the accent or the ‘tude). I impressed her just enough to get a phone number but someone else had gotten it, too. But I called. And I pursued. And she made me wait 2+ weeks for a kiss despite trying just about everything (Weeks later, I found a copy of The Rules in her underwear drawer). I eventually won her over, but that was just a step. Between then and 2002 when we were married, the relationship nearly ended 3 times: I was nearly killed in a rollover; we used to fight like hell (two Virgos, both stubborn and headstrong), and I had to learn how to be a father to her son at the same time in a different style than her. And after one big blowout, we hit that moment where we decided that, despite the love, it couldn’t go on like this. And that’s when we both grew up. We changed, were married a year later. And for the most part it was good. But after a few bad financial decisions and some missteps, we began to let the things that matter the least compromise the things that matter most. Our divorce will be final in a year (It’s more complicated than that, and that’s where I leave it). I will still have a best friend in my ex-wife, and a son who will never have to choose between parents, or lose me. I married at 31, will be divorced at 40. Funny, I had never wanted to be married to begin with. Ever. And I could have all the fears one has about re-entering the dating game. Sounds scary, especially reading this thread.

Everyone thinks about relationships with the mindset of wanting to know the ending before anything happens, to control as many variables as possible, to wait until the planets or whatever else lines up. And while I would not endorse being indiscriminate with choosing a mate or lover (ie, don’t just date anyone!!!), at some point you will have to shoot from the hip and make something happen, give it a little push. You will have to work, no matter what the level of compatibility or the depth of the relationship, and sometimes with but a few things. At some point, you will have to take a risk, sometimes a big one. There will be joy and pain, not always in equal measure, sometimes monumental,or at times you could have predicted. And sadly, sometimes, it still fails or people will just grow in different directions. With so many known knowns and known unknowns and unknown unknowns (sorry, Rummy!), it’s easy to believe that all is dismal and hopeless. It’s scary, but hasn’t it always been?

And if I believed any of it, I would have never met my wife and son. I would have “dated” people over the comfort of the virtual world or in my mind and had nothing to show for it. I would be so afraid of what would be that I could never enjoy what is, however brief (I would like to think that even my flings helped define who I am). I could have regret, and negate everything good that came before and rewrite what was. Instead, I would do it all over again. Why not? Not the same way as before I got married, mind you: marriage and fatherhood have changed me and I don’t want to re-live my single days in the exact same way – - – I want to do it better). And like before, no rush. It’s OK to be alone, better than being in bad company. And if world travel has taught me anything as long as you have experiences, the gift of gab, and the right attitude, no one’s ever alone for very long.

Just get out there, and be brave. There’s a moment waiting to be MADE to happen. And endings could always end like so much crumpled paper or film on the editing room floor.

This last comment is not quite what we are talking about.

It is not the point that we are making about meeting people and working on a relationship.

We are all here trying to FIND a relationship to work on.

Once we meet someone who is even a bit right for us we KNOW how to get to the next phase, it is not the point.

The point is to even FIND that person we connect with a tiny little bit.

That is the frustration of the people in this group.

And of course we are all not willing to settle , but that is why we are all frustrated because we are endlesly waiting for that person to make an appearance.

The only thing we all so is get out there and wait.

I think Hank has it right for the most part in saying that it is just a tedious and long suffering job waiting and waiting for that opportunity to show itself.

Hank, I get the feeling that you know yourself and you know what you want, you sound realistic about yourself, and your expectations.

I just want someone who brings to the the table the same things that I bring to the table, no more no less.

I don’t appreciate people saying I am too picky.

That is a cop out.

Everyone has a level they will compromise to, and I think if you are an intelligent human being then you can figure out your appropriate match.

This is a place for us to vent our feelings and frustrations, that’s it.

To share a common place where we can take some respite in knowing that we are not alone in our thoughts and feelings.

Well said livid! I can tell by some of the responses here
that I’m older than they are. It’s just as hard for me as
anyone. In fact it’s probably harder because the field has narrowed down considerably. No, I don’t just want to settle
for anyone. I’ve never been big on compromising. You’d
think with all the divorces and broken relationships that
the field would be wide open. Well folks, that’s not the case. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I’m not willing to
take on someone elses baggage. I’ve also seen first hand
what a mess some people have made of their lives through
bad relationships. Holding out for the right one is no
picnic in the park either as I can attest to that. The needle is small and the haystack is large!

So the question is now Hank, what do we do in the meantime.

How to go on every day with the question “what now”?

The boredom, the frustration and the hopeless negative thoughts?

How to temper those with a more optimistic positive outlook despite the lack of evidence out there.

PS ….. Q. What do you call a pessimist?

A. An optimist with experience!

I don’t know about you livid, but I’m going to continue doing the things I love to do. Yeah, I know all about the
feeling of hopelessness and the negative thoughts. When they come they hit hard. On the other hand we can’t portray
a negative attitude all the time as people can pick up on that right of way. I believe I would have done much better
in a different time and place where rampant materialism
didn’t exist and things were much more simple.

Well, Hank

I certainly do not portray a bad attitude out there in public. In private tho I do express myself, as I do here.

I go out with a smile on my face and try, try, try.

For example I met a guy yesterday, we were having lunch at the same counter and he started chatting, nice guy, good conversation, he really likes me, but I am just not attracted to him.

It is always the same thing.

I met another guy later in the evening who I was really attracted to but had NO personality.

So it seems like back in the saddle again.

Livid, unlike me you seem to be getting plenty of opportunities. Nice guy,good conversation, he likes you,
what’s the problem? Actually I can understand your point
but maybe you shouldn’t blow someone off so quickly. I try
to chat with women I find attractive but usually find out
they are attached or just plain morons and don’t get it.
Maybe I used up all my chances, I don’t know. The word
frustrating doesn’t cover it.

Hank, I did give the guy a chance we went out for dinner and there was just no sparkle for me.

I tried, beleive me, just no spark.

So now I am on to the next one, and I am just so pessimistic though, because of all the past no goes.

It’s like before I even pursue this next one, I’m already over it.

The only reason I get opportunities is because I force myself “out there” and look around.

Trust me there is generally not much available.

So keep putting that gun to your head and get out the door and keep pounding the pavement, sooner or later you have to come across something, whether it is permanent, or just a diversion, it’s what we have to do.

Livid, It shouldn’t be this hard, should it? Personally
I prefer quality over quantity. Like so many products these
days quality is lacking. No there isn’t much available. I’ve
had a belly full of diversions and people who are very
uninteresting and shallow. So in the meantime I’ll keep an
eye out and remain cautiously optomistic. By the way I’m not some snobby intellect yuppy who thinks he’s above the crowd. Far from it.Just someone that’s tired of trying to find something that may not exist. I know many a guy that
has just SETTLED for someone simply because he felt he
probably wasn’t going to do any better. I say what’s the point? Anyway, I wish you luck in the future!

livid, you’ve completely highjacked this post. sorry if you’re not meeting someone who’s sweeping you off your feet, but alot of people here are actually looking for someone substantial and have substantial expectations.

please don’t sit there and pour out b/c prince charming isn’t coming out of the crowd of men you’re dating to give you a fairy tale. that’s not life. be happy that you’re meeting decent people and try -maybe just maybe- going with that.

NO it shouldn’t be this hard but most people just don’t get it.

They miss the point completely.

They DO settle for less, but less for who, not for them, but for you the observer.

Someone who is intelligent and aware would get it.

Others, the vast majority, don’t go that deep in their thinking.

That is the essence of the problem.

That is why it is taking so long of a time to find the ONE

Because most people just don’t line up with the criteria.

ANd for those people who say just be happy meeting lots of people here and there, that is exactly what I mean, that is shallow and futile, the exact reason for being “Tired of being Sngle”!

I don’t think it’s shallow to give someone a second shot, but I won’t argue. And I know how you feel, because I was actually liked by a girl ONCE. She was a nice person, but there was no attraction on my side. I could talk to her and fool around, but as much as I wanted to, I could never see her as a potential partner.

And being single makes you think about those missed chances a lot, but I think that if I could go back in time I wouldn’t do it differently. I wish for once a girl that I like would like me back. Is that so much to ask for?

Crafty,

It is so not too much to ask for, it seems to be the rule.

Why is it that when you like someone they dont like you and visa versa.

Answer me that is it quantum physics or what?????

lol way to be pretentious to the nth degree, livid. no wonder your single.

What hurts is being a hopelessly single transsexual woman. I am resting in Bangkok, just after having my surgery and preparing to return home to Denver. Home to what? An empty apartment with all sorts of ramen, canned food and papers all over the table that hide my flight log and student pilot’s license.

Everyone at the Unitarian Universalist church I attend, when I am not studying for tests for school or FAA knowledge tests, tells me that my singleness is a blessing. Or that I should stop focusing on being single and one of these days, someone will come to me. I think to myself how therapeutic it would be to shank them for saying such a patently stupid thing.

I come home to my apartment after a long day of classes or cross-country flights (when I can afford them) to spend my evenings alone. I try to fill this time with music and anime because it is better than the deadening silence that I would have to face otherwise. Then, I search online personals so that I can hopefully stop being alone (and might I say, I have found some REAL winners here -_- ). I look on my calendar and see a holiday coming up. Everyone has someone to share their holidays with, friends, family or a spouse. I do not, I absolutely hate holidays.

I’ve been asking that mutual attraction question seemingly
forever. Some people are looking for someone who only exists
in a romance novel. My expectations aren’t what I consider
unrealistic but finding someone I really like is harder
than finding Jimmy Hoffa! So is it asking too much for
someone that is halfway attractive? Is it asking too much
for someone who can carry on an intelligent conversation
once in a while? Is it asking too much for someone who won’t
have their hand in your wallet all the time? Is it asking too much for someone who likes outdoor activities once in a while? Is it asking too much for to find someone that has
a sense of humor and is not always talking about material
things? The answer to these questions is painfully
apparent to all who contribute to this blog. Yeah, it seems
every time I do meet someone that I’m attracted to they
are ALWAYS spoken for leaving me more frustated than the last time. What seems easy for some folks just seems
unattainable for others, but as I have stated before there are a lot of relationships that look good from the outside
but are actually miserable.

Right.

On the happier topics:
That girl I’ve been aiming for… I asked around today (casually of course) and, oh what a surprise, she has a guy. It’s like I almost didn’t expect that. Figures that a girl like her wouldn’t be single.

So there you have it. No matter what, people are always taken or they are leaving for a friggin different country on the back side of geography or they’re just not into you.

And, yeah, I should think of all the other people around the globe who are single (no family) and the orphans and the elderly people, but I can’t. For once I want to feel bad for myself and be justified.

There’s your positive outlook on things:
You wake up and go to sleep with this chunk of rock on your back for years. Eventually you wake up and you’re 50. All that stress which has slowly turned into passive aggression in combination with the daily radiation coming from the heavy traffic and the electrical stuff we’re surrounded by gives you a cancer. And then you get stuck with the fact that you hoped and hoped for the best, you were always positive and kind, but in the end you got bent by life.

I hear ya Crafty! It kind of snowballs on you as the years go by leaving you wondering how it got this far. You’d think that somewhere along the line the odds would favor you a bit. Reminds me of a Three Stooges short where Curly
is pulling wiring from conduit and saying There’s no end to this! At times I get to thinking that maybe I should accept my fate and then there are the times that I get extremely
upbeat but they are fewer these days. I often think about
others that are worse off than me but I don’t consider it
being selfish for wanting my situation to improve. The
frustration of coming up empty lays very heavy on me and
I’m afraid it shows sometimes. However I also consider myself a survivor albeit a wounded one. If there is one thing I can tell you it’s that you shouldn’t get fixated
on any one person. Went that avenue a couple of times myself
and may have overlooked someone in the process.

The worst part, Hank – nobody gives a flying rat’s ass if you’re a survivor. No one will come to you and give you a shoulder or at least acknowledge the fact that you’re going through all the hardships of life by yourself. People seem to keep their distance from singles. Like it’s contagious?

Quite often you’ll hear assumptions that there is something seriously wrong with that given individual. “She must be frigid. He’s probably too selfish to be with anybody”
But then, in your face it’s the usual “I can’t believe you’re still single. You’re such a (insert patronizing behavior and ass kissing here)”. Well, thank you for sharing! I never noticed I was single to begin with…

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, mate. All of you.

Now, I’ve never really experienced this for myself, but from what I’ve seen (and been told) I can honestly say we’ve got one thing on couples – all the time in the world. We answer to no one and don’t have to worry about anyone. It’s just us and, if we’re lucky, our families. We might as well do something productive with it.

I’m getting a guitar next week. It’s high time I learn how to play.

Is every one here even meeting people they would be interested in getting to know? How often does that come about?

I meet lots of people in general, but not even a sparkle really comes of it. It would help even to have a few irons in the fire, to give a spark of hope.

TO even have a crush on someone is a positive thing, does anyone have any of that ?

THe outcome is a whole different story, that’s another hill to climb, just getting out of the gate with an attraction to someone is the first phase.

I find this the most difficult to attain

I’m easily impressed so, yeah, I get crushes every now and then. But whats the point.
Just now I was stuck with this girl outside the office, ’cause we both didn’t have a key to get in. Man, I really did my BEST to get a conversation going, but it was like I was death coming to take her. She just wouldn’t answer or if she would it was like we were in a battle. She seemed relieved when that other guy arrived.

That makes me feel very ugly and undesireable. And thats probably because I am.

I know how rejection feels, it plays games with your head, you feel inadequate and undesirable.

I don’t know what to say Hank, it sounds a bit harsh on yourself.

Are you sure you are not judging yourself unfairly.

Just because someone dosen’t respond to you does’nt mean it is YOU.

Maybe they are attached or you are not their type.

I hate to see anyone so down on themselves

You must be talking about Crafty there Livid. My opinion
Crafty, is that she’s just full of herself. You know, the type that thinks they deserve a millionaire. I’ve been in
your shoes and the best thing you can do is steer clear of
these high-maintenance BIMBOS. Not worth the time as most of
them can barely spell their own name. If they are attached
I pity the poor bastard that has to put up with their
bullshit. Don’t beat yourself over the head cause it’s not
your fault. Chalk it up to experience my friend. Rejection
hurts as I know first hand. As Livid said, it plays with your head and you get a feeling of being inadequate. Before
you know it you’re walking around feeling sorry for yourself and that feeling projects itself to others.

Kinda hard not to feel that way, provided you get ignored in such a cruel manner every now and then.

And it’s not like I was trying to ‘hit it up’ or anything. I was just trying to get a conversation going. I was smiling, keeping eye contact.
It felt as if she was trying to dominate me. Kind of a patronizing tone in her voice. And again – I wasn’t trying to land anything. I was merely giving my best to connect on a human-to-human level. Didn’t work…

Livid -

Judging from life experience – hell yeah – it’s me. It has to be. Ever since school I could feel how I couldn’t develop a normal conversation with girls.
Hey, I know I’m not confident enough, but I’ve seen guys way worse and they can still chat girls up. Me… it’s like they can sense everything and they’re trying to crush me and make me go away. Like I ate their breakfast or something. What’s up with that?

Ah, whatever. At least the guys there are great and we’re having a blast.

Crafty, maybe she felt you were trying to hit on her. She
might get hit on ten times a day but that’s no excuse to
act the way she did. Do you really want a person with that
kind of disposition anyway? I know what you’re saying. I’m
not a particularly good conversationalist myself and have
gotten the brush-off many times. I came to the conclusion
that it’s not always me and some women feel like I’m
talking down to them although that’s not my intention. At
least they could be polite about it! When you do meet a
girl you can talk to the conversation will just flow and
you’ll forget all about being shot down. Unfortunately for me those moments are about as rare as an Ivory Billed Woodpecker but I do remember them. Believe me, I share your feelings and can relate to what you’re saying but just keep having a blast with your friends or it will really eat
you up. You sound like a pretty decent guy and someone
with sense will notice you eventually! You’re not alone
buddy, you’re not alone!

I am single and love life… it’s not about you being better or worse. I have been out with amazing men lately and something is missing. Take it from experience, it is much more lonely to be in a relationship that you aren’t feeling than be alone. On occasion a person will come along that makes you ache when they’re not there, someone that leaves you wanting more… and every person like that is worth 10 others to distract you…

Thank you, Hank. Really.

Of course it is horrible being with a person you are “not feeling”.

That’s the whole point here right?

We all can’t make the connection to the right source.

It is just about frustration, I will be honest I don’t love life alone, I much prefer a partner to share things with, to come home to and be connected to.

Livid, I believe there are a lot of people out there in
relationships who are” Not Feeling it”. They just go through the motions for various reasons. I guess that’s
why I’m still single. The initial attraction of my last
relationship wore off eventually as she was NOT the person
I thought she was. I don’t miss her but I truly miss the
companionship aspect. To find someone you hit it off with
that has mutual feelings toward you is almost impossible.
The dream of making that “Connection” is slowly slipping away much as I hate to admit it. On the other hand it’s
not worth carrying on a relationship if you’re not totally
into it. Fine line isn’t it?

Hank, most people are in zombie relationships, it’s true.

I can’t do it, obviously you can’t either.

IN one way we are cursed, in another we are very lucky.

We won’t settle for less.

So we are not miserable in a dead relationship, but we are miserable in being alone.

The only life saver is HOPE

Livid, That pretty much sums it up. I’ve been called picky,
self- centered, uncompromising,and a few other things. Not
the case at all. To put it in a nutshell, I know what I like. I can’t see making myself miserable in order to just
BE in a relationship. No, I’m not waiting for Jennifer
Anniston to come to her senses and call me. I also know of
the funny looks and the talk behind my back. Maybe he’s gay
or a woman hater or some kind of freak. Then there’s the
“pep talks” or the you’re a good looking guy and women
ought to be chasing after you stuff. In a sense we are lucky, very lucky. We could have screwed up our lives but
we didn’t and that’s something to be proud of. Of course
there are those times like last Sat. nite sitting on my back porch during a thunderstorm and thinking it would be nice to be sharing this with someone special. Yeah, HOPE
is good.

Hank, now you have it. That is the true essence of our dillema.

Everything you say we have all experienced.

Now it is the “what next” syndrome

Just keep on going!!!!!!

You know, Livid, I think people like us fit in a very narrow
category. I don’t identify with snobby yuppies,( I really
despise them), and I can’t hang with assorted scumbag types
either. Kind of leaves you in permanent limbo. Do we qualify as Non-Conformists? If I do so be it!

I think the key here is to not identify yourself as anything but you. Keep an open mind and maybe you will be pleasantly surprised.

I sound to be of a higher level of intelligence, that can be a problem.

It is a blessing on one hand…. and on the other?

But keep true to your standards, and take it like a trouper.

That was not I sound to be of a higher intelligence but “you” sound to be of a higher intelligence…… OOPS!

I’m fairly dumb, but take it from me – it ain’t the brains either.

Actually Livid, High School is as far as I went. I’m just a regular guy, nothing more. You seem intelligent yourself.
I find it easier to express myself typing than in actual
conversation. I guess when you speak to some people above
a fifth grade level they somehow feel threatened. I’m self
employed so it helps to sound like you’re halfway intelligent. Crafty’s right, it ain’t the brains! That’s
the whole point, I’m goddamn tired of taking it!

One on the boat now!!

Intelligence has nothing to do with education.

I’m not sure what you mean that it’s not he brains?

I can’t speak for CRAFTY but my point was that education OR
intelligence has little to do with attracting a mate. Who
knows what attracts some people to others. It’s a sad day
though when you have to dumb yourself down just to get a
date. Question is how long do we wait for the RIGHT ONE
to come along?
You see people that are divorced or single one minute and
next time they already have someone else and say they couldn’t be happier. And here we are on this blog trying
to meet THE ONE but it just doesn’t happen.

Precisely.

That’s exactly how I feel! I’m almost 23 and I’ve never been on a date! I just graduated with my master’s degree, I have my own place, and all the rest, yet I’m always the extra wheel, the girl that guys ask for advice when they want to date my friends…and I haven’t quite figured out why. I’m sick, just like you, of my friends saying be patient because that just means that when it happens, he’ll be the most amazing person ever. It’s hard because then you start thinking that something must be wrong with you. It’s seriously sad when you’ve gone through 5 years of college and have never been asked out.

Steph, In a way you should be flattered that you’re being
asked for advice but that isn’t helping your cause,is it.
Some people avoid other people that they think are out of
their league. They’re afraid they won’t be able to hold a
conversation or won’t have anything in common. I used to
be one of those guys and looking back I regret it. I really
felt I was beneath someone with more education than me and
was intimidated by it. Don’t stop being yourself it’s not worth it!

Here’s a couple of examples of how singles are viewed from my personal experiences. An employer wouldn’t hire me one
time because I was single and his previous employee was a
drunk and a drug addict. I pleaded with him to give me a shot but no go. Everybody knows all singles operate METH
LABS in their basements, right. That was the day I decided
to be self-employed. A client asks me if I’m married while
discussing a job. As if a married person may do better work! Then this Moron hands me a blank check because he’s too stupid to fill it out, other than sign his name. I felt like telling him to visit a strip club. They’re full of
“MARRIED GUYS” or so I’m told. Didn’t know if I should
laugh or cry.

Geez, Hank.
That was rather funny. Especially the part about that guy that wouldn’t hire you. What a nimrod.

But I think we tend to get a little too suspicious and defensive when we hit the “singles” subject. I think most people don’t really mean to bring harm by asking. It’s just another great topic. The wife, the family etc.

Some, however, are being judgmental which is not fair.

Yeah Crafty, I look back and laugh about it now. I’d
like to thank that guy for not hiring me if I could find him. Just blowin’ off some steam.

Ouch. I’m feeling so confused lately, I guess that’s how I found this random thread.

Recently met a girl; we talked for 5 hours straight, from 9pm to 2am, and even then we didn’t want to stop. We ended up in a bed curled up together.

The only thing is she has a boyfriend- an abusive jerk who’s pushed her down the stairs, hits her, tells her who she can and cannot spend time with.

when it came to it, who does she end up with.

how is it that the scumbag that beats such a sweet girl end up with her, but a guy who’d treat her like a princess ends up losing out?

I can’t believe it’s been over a year and people are still commenting on this post! I’ve been incredibly moved by the outpouring from everyone, including their personal stories and struggles. It’s been difficult keeping up with how the comments have evolved, but I do periodically go back and read them in batches. 208 comments is just incredible.

The most important thing I’d like everyone to remember is that it’s okay to be sad sometimes, you have every right to be. But please, don’t let it take you over. There’s so much more to life than who you’re dating (even though it doesn’t seem like it sometimes).

I really hope that you’re all exploring this entire site for various posts on various topics. There’s a ton of great information here to help get through the tough times and to celebrate the good times.

@Jay – I’ve been there. I’d recommend picking up the book, The Art of Seduction. It may help explain how that poor girl’s abusive boyfriend is just too seductive to give up despite the pain.

How long does one have to continue with their routine of keeping busy and forcefully trying to think happy lovely thoughts and be quoting “positive”, it seems like a lie to tell yourself while your heart slowly dies behind the shroud of smoke you’re trying to blow up your, well you know where.

I am 24 years old and I’ve been told much of the same positive lovely fantasy type quotes before, cheer up be positive, someone will come along ect… ect… ect…

These all come from someone who already has a mate or dating. Well I’m here to say I am pretty right down upset and tired. I’ve got a little bit of a blackened heart right about now. I wish no ill will upon anyone; I just got this feeling like I was never meant to find someone.

I don’t know it gets tiresome to watch your family try to embarrass you when they walk out to random girls and point to me and go hey will you… You try not to let it bother you, heck you almost welcome the possible meeting, but then the girls look and laugh and walk away. It’s like wow thank you ever so much, I didn’t think my heart could sink any farther than it has, but it did now.

I am socially semi-active, being a little alone kind of puts you in a bubble (I know it doesn’t) but the act of being alone seems almost so routine that after a while it’s almost like you lost a knack to actually be very socially active.

Anyways, I’m 24 years old and I’ve played the waiting game, I’ve played the hard search for a year with no results game. I’ve gotten fake numbers, stood up, laughed at, and humiliated.

I’m currently in my Bachelor’s degree. One would think that being a successful college grad would score some points with the ladies, HA it seems more to them like I would have no time for them. I don’t know me just venting.

I’m just really hitting a low, I’ve all the outside readings of a very happy man with not a care in the world, but I wish someone could see the lonely sad depressed boy inside. I wish that for once it would be my turn to dance. You know when ever you go to a party or wedding and the DJ calls all the couples out to the floor and you’re the only younger 20 year old sitting down watching from afar.

My appearance isn’t shabby, okay I’ve not the body of a gym going person, but I work on a farm I’m not overly chubby, I’ve got maybe 15-20lbs more than I should. I tell you what though I’ve yet to see the lean and fit boys toss 800 80lb bails of hay 30 feet in a day like I’ve done.

I have no idea where I’m going with this other than I’m feeling like I’ve been wronged with no one to scold by myself. Self pity is a terrible prospect I don’t wish to give to myself, because I know it’s not the answer.

Why must this helpless feeling continue to haunt me… I’m so out of tune that if a girl did cross my path that wants to walk beside me I wouldn’t have a clue what to do now. I would probably piss myself and then find the girl laughing and running away. I just don’t know, that or I would have a look of such ill contempt for I feel like she’s there to mock me that I would pile drive the first good chance I’ve had for a relationship in a LONG LONG While.

I’ve had a g/f hurt me very badly, cut me deep. We dated for 5 months, then she started to stop taking calls, wouldn’t let me come over during the day and such. This went on for 2 weeks then I asked her what was up. Turns out she was pregnant… It wasn’t mine. She has been seeing someone since month 3 of our relationship. I promptly told her okay I’ve no choice but to leave. I have been faithful and loyal to you, but apparently that wasn’t enough. She acted like that’s what she wanted all along and it was pretty heart breaking (considering she was my first relationship)

It has been three years since that day. Knowing what I am missing (even if what I had was a lie) makes this feeling of lonely emptiness much too real. I don’t know I’m tired now, going to bed (empty) and dream of a life where I have a girl to show my affections too and to stare deep into her eyes. Perhaps for that short period of time I can be happy… Until the alarm tells me it was also just a lie…

This is a horrible cycle that we find ourselves in. No person is going to want to be with another person if they get a “negative” vibe from them. Only its much too hard to project a positive attitude. I can’t take it anymore. I’ve given up. I’m through. I’m out. All I want is a reason to smile. A person that cares for me. I have so much love to give. Boy am I pathetic.

Don’t know what to tell you, Depressed dude. I think everyone here knows exactly what you’re talking about. So… welcome to the club.
Share a few stories with us here. I promise it will make you feel better.

Jimmy:

EXACTLY! It’s so annoying when somebody tells you have to keep a stiff upper lip or “don’t get down under the weather”. Well… HOW?! How does one do that when you’re constantly reminded that you are alone. And like that’s not depressing enough, but we’re reminded of the fact that a frown won’t attract anyone to you.
It’s a vicious circle.

But let me share:

Today I had a rather short chat with one of the girls in the office and I remembered I’ve seen her before. We met at a party couple of years ago so we had a chat about that. The conversation lasted only a few minutes, but it made me feel good about myself. After that, the entire day was great. And, no, I’m not attracted to her, but it feels good to have those kind of relations with people. Someone to remind you that you’re worth awhile.
So that makes me believe that it’s my general social life I need to fix first before I can move on to dating.

A balanced life is so important.

You can control a lot of things to ensure that you are balanced.

THe one thing we can’t control is finding the right person to share your life with.

All we can do is go out there and try

It is very frustrating not being able to navigate your love life, it just happens when it happens.

It is the not knowing where and when that wears on the nerves.

Being patient and happy while we have to wait is the ultimate challenge.

Though challenging as the wait maybe, the welcome of glimmering hope would be surreal. To be happy seems such a daunting task when companionship is absent. The act of being alone was never the intent of the creator, twas which the reason behind the creation of woman.

This is the only truth I know, the burden we keep is that of tested will. True be it that man and woman were put upon this earth to work in harmony, neigh be the expectation that the two should meet without the work of either to strive towards this.

Find it folly within the taunting images of those who have made the journey and rewarded by fate with their own meeting and relationship. There be the meaning and true tested agony of all who come here to commune their frustrations in word.

Be it forever gratifying to know that the feeling is not uncommon upon many, damn it be the feeling that it always seems you’re alone to cope with it to the final end.

In trying to find a suitable partner I’ve put a lot of
undue pressure on myself over time. At times I thought I
just HAD to meet someone sooner or later. Well it’s much
later and my hopes still haven’t been realized. Meeting
that special person is a rare thing indeed as we all know and sometimes I wonder if I’ve used up all my chances. My
point is that it’s not worth it at all to let the pain of
lonliness consume you 24/7. Been there, done that! Doing things alone is NOT FUN either. I,ve gone to the seashore,
went camping & hiking,and went to concerts alone when
friends couldn’t make it. Of course I’d rather be with that
special someone but doing things I like makes life more
bearable, at least for a little while. Hopefully!

The big hurdle with being single for a long time is that after you have done the same things over and over again alone, it becomes repetative and your have to deal with the BOREDOM

I don’t know that I actually get bored in doing things alone
Livid, but you are somewhat limited as to what you can do.
Yeah, doing things alone can really get old but sitting home alone is even worse. I went to see a show last night
by myself. Really enjoyed the band. Would have been great
to be with someone but you just can’t stop living either.
Sitting around and constantly thinking about my situation
can really work on me.

Here I go again, I finally met someone I like. He claims to like me too. First hurdle crossed.

But…… He’s going thru a divorce and I am afraid that I may be a rebound or worse a vehicle to get him out of the relationship.

With 5 years of being single under my belt and countless men “&%$#ing me over, I am frankly SCARED.

So it seems like you never win. I want to have a partner, but I am afraid of being with someone who will take advantage of this.

I’m between a rock and a hard place!!!!!

Livid, I have no business giving you advice but here goes
anyway. APPROACH WITH CAUTION! My last relationship was a
rebound after a divorce and I turned out to be the proverbial STEPPING STONE. Yeah I heard all the I love you’s
and you’re a great guy bullshit. She loved me but she also
loved a couple other guys. This may or may not work out for you as I don’t know your situation. Best of luck!!

P.S. To think I almost married this slut!

I know Hank, it’s YIKES all the way!

Oh wow, I can relate to so many posts here. I am also sick and tired of being alone. I’ve had only one relationship in my life, and she turned out to be the type who likes other girls. That happened 3 years ago, and somehow I’ve not managed to find anyone in all that time. I’m approaching 27 and starting to panic a bit now. I have a good job, am pretty good looking and have a wonderful family, one would think I’d have girls lining up, but ha..things couldn’t be farther from the truth. Also, I only have 2 people I can really call friends. All the other ones seem to become very ‘friendly’ if they want something out of me, like help them move or when they need a lift home. Anyway sorry for the rant but it was refreshing to see I’m not the only one hating being alone here.

“Happiness: only real when shared”

yeah, i’m in the same boat too.. i’ve been single for going on 6 (yep) 6 years.. there’s been guys that might pop up and hang out for a bit and get my hopes up, but generally within a month or so it’s over.. i don’t get it.. i’m not mean, i’m honest, i’m a beautiful woman,i don’t play games, but i get the same thing over and over again wich is that they never want a serious relationship?.. i don’t know what to do? i’m 30 now and i’m begining to give up hope.. i always thought that some day i’d meet someone and the singledom would end.. but after all this time.. i begining to think i was wrong.. i can’t ever have the dream of a family and kids if i can never even get a boyfriend! and it sucks! i love kids! and i’m so great with them! i nanny kids for crying out loud! i often think that i don’t even want to grow old if i have to do it by myself.. i think my parents even secrectly think i’m a lesbian.. the only thing i can figure out wich is something i read in a book once, from a guy describing his single female freind, “she’s one of those artistic types, beautiful, creative and complex, that men are attracted to but unltimately run from”..

ONe question, How do you go on and not be totally dissalusioned?

I meet so many people the MAJORITY are totally messed up!

Men and women alike, I met up with a friend of mine, Ive know her for 20 years, she stayed with me while her supposed house was being built.

A month into her stay, I noticed some odd habits, but put it down to her idiocincrisies.

Then last week while I was away for the weekend she went on a psyhotic rant and called the cops to my house at 3am claiming me and 3 other people were outside with knives trying to break into my own house to kill her.

Ok I know this is extreme, but good god!

I come across , not quite this severe insanity but still to some extent some, in the dating world as well.

People appear great at first and then the crazy or unstable, or just plain flaky comes out.

I come to the table with honesty, and stability, I just want the same in return.

So again I ask,,,,,,

How do you keep your chin up, and keep going out there?????

Livid, I think I’m becomming numb to it all! In truth I
just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve got my share of
wing-nuts too. One time a woman asked me up to her place after I dropped her off at the end of a date. Next thing I know she flips out on me and says I can’t sleep with you
(I never asked her to),and tells me to leave. So I said
if you think I’m a serial rapist why the hell did you invite me up here in the first place? Yeah, it’s really
tough to keep your sanity anymore.

Yah, it’s a crazy world out there.
Last night I was thinking about all the missed chances. A few times I’ve had the opportunity to be with a girl that would like me for me, but I never really felt attracted. And not, because I knew she liked me (which would kill the hunt or whatever), but I was just not feeling the same way.
Do you think it was a mistake? Maybe this whole “like” thing comes with time.
Maybe I just missed a chance to be happy just so I can chase dreams which actually hurt me more in the long run.
Perhaps we should try to lower our standards?

As corny as it might sound, you keep on keepin’ on because you must. Believing otherwise just makes you wary and afraid of the possibilities, especially when they appear. It’s a miserable mindset to dwell in. I wish that there was more than that, but that’s it.

Oh, I’m not dwelling on it. I was just wondering if that’s what I did wrong. There must be a a rational reason.
There’s no way I’m pointing my finger at the “odds” game and blaming it for me being single. There’s more to this.

Melissa,

You want to talk sometime?

Jimmy

I understand everything eveybody has said. I have been alone all of my life and i have gotten to the point i will come home and just stay there because i get tired of doing things by myself.There is no worst feeling to me than seeing all of your friends with their girlfriends and there you sit all by yourself.

Crafty, you may have touched on an idea without knowing it.

Meeting someone special always seems predicated on the idea that two people are very attracted to each other from the start, that almost everything already be present for something to happen. But what if only one is interested but the interested one possesses key qualities one looks for most in a mate/lover? So, they may not be an immediate choice but they are not necessarily one for the friend bucket, either. . . . . they are a “prospect”, to use baseball parlance.

Would this really be so far-fetched? After all, some arranged marriages actually thrive . . . . . why? The idea of being won over, a relationship being cultivated, a smarter more gradual form of seduction? It might even be better than online dating in that you would actually have something to go on, in person. And it wouldn’t necessarily be a lowering of standards, either, they could still be applied. They would just be applied differently, through a different set of eyes/paradigm. Like in all relationships, there would be no guarantees but there might be something more this way.

Anyone else out there wonder about this?

Yes Crafty, there is something to trying and giving someone a chance. I thinkyou go out or try at least three times with someone.

By that time you should or they should know.

It helps if someone is really feeling it though, at least if one of the parties is at all.

I once met a guy who was so gung ho with me, I had NO interest but over time is ardour won me over.

But guess what,he turned out to be married!

That’s why he was so interested, he was bored and desperate for some companionship as well.

So there went that.

Anyway part of the problem here, is that there are so many options for everyone now to meet online that the real world has taken a hit.

If you don’t put out an effort in real life, there are thousands of others just waiting in cyberspace, so I think the motivation to meet people and persue in person has really been effected.

Friend bucket, hah

But, yeah, you’ve got a point there, guys. I think there have been times when I would give up too fast or too prematurely. But there is something else about this that would really tip me off: desperation. I hate that word.

It’s a lesson we’re given in high school – don’t chase or you’re be considered desperate. And this is sort of a oxymoron, because to get something you have to:
a) Chase it
b) Wait for it to drop from the sky

Of course “b” is far less productive, but “a” is bound to fail, again, due to society’s view on “desperation” and neediness. If you really want to get with that girl/guy, you do the logical thing – go after them. However that would often (really often) result into a crash landing, because you either get tagged “desperate” or the person in question finds you to be not-hard-enough-to-get. WHAT?!

And as time progresses and you get into more and more repetitive tests, you come to the conclusion that you’re doing something terribly wrong:
a) You can’t chase, because they’ll run further
b) They’ll never notice you, because you don’t chase
c) You’ll always be single, because the alphabet begins with “a” and “b”.

It’s a damn vicious circle that backfires on you constantly. It’s a confidence crushing machine. And, hell, I blame it on technology. We developed too fast. All those means of communication and what nots. You can talk to people in China, but you’re so monitor-burnt that you can’t even say “hi” to the guy next door.

Which again brings me to my original thesis (can I call it mine?) that I should try harder to develop something more than friendship with someone I connect with rather than chase tails. Bird in the hand’s worth two in the bush, right?
But then again there is the physical part of the equation that gets in the way…

I’ve had some “Near misses” in my time. You think they are
going to develop into something but somehow fate gets in the way. I sit and wonder sometimes about blown chances
and the times that I wasn’t feeling attraction toward
someone else but I probably would do the same thing over in most of them anyway.First impressions mean a lot but of
course you can’t always judge someone immediately.
On another note I’ve always wondered about internet dating
sites. Never heard much good about them. Anybody out there
ever try them? I still prefer one on one or face to face
communication. I must be old-fashioned but I prefer this way.

Crafty, I say go for what you want and don’t worry about how it will be perceived. This alone will set you free. Of course, gradually with some restraint (keep some mystery, don’t give it all away quickly)is best but be ready when you get the green light to go for something else. Some people don’t worry too much about the game and trust their instincts; others read way too much into things. It’s the chance you take.

Livid and Hank, maybe now that everyone has flocked online you think the more adventurous and human folk may have been left behind? Maybe? After all, how do you distill the dynamic of what happens live when you first meet someone new, catch their eyes, open the conversation, and move it from there into a paragraph? I’ve had two friends use an online site. One resulted in a relationship that has so far lasted 7 years (she’s a doll), and it was his first try. The other met a guy online through Yahoo on a lark: he became a prick on the second and third dates and she canned him. So I guess no matter what the mode of meeting, dating will always be a crapshoot;)

Dating is a crapshoot because most people are WEIRD!

Most people want to live a tv show lifestyle. They have no
feelings and no conscience anymore. Common courtesy seems
to be a lost art along with a little self-respect. Yeah, I
guess dating is one big crapshoot. Mostly just crap!

Hey, did everyone hear about that crazy dude who just shot up a fitness class.

He posted blogs about being alone for many years and how it wore him down.

He stated that “flying solo for so long is a destroyer” How horrible to let things get so desperate and destructive.

Now I by no means understand or justify these actions, but I am very aware how years of prolonged lonliness can wear away at your mind.

This poor disturbed bastard, took 3 lives as well as his own, out of desperate lonliness how profoundly sad!

It’s sad what happened, almost incomprehensible. When I read it, all I could think of was “Holy Crap!” I was, frankly, stunned.

And when that wore off, I had to put it in perspective. As much as I can acknowledge what must have been overwhelming loneliness and despair on his part, the act was more out of anger and resentment than desperate loneliness. Can we feel so entitled to love and affection that we see others in a harsh light when we do not receive it? And if we do, what does that say about us? About others?

Didn’t read that one, but I have to say this is not the kind of loneliness we (at least I) are going through. This sounds much more general. Like being completely isolated and alienated from the human race. Maybe his family wasn’t supportive and maybe he didn’t have a family at all. No friends, hardly or none at all social life. That could really destroy a man.

I feel really bad for the guy. At least he is in peace now.

Sad indeed! He was just being eaten up inside very slowly.
Yeah Livid, it does sort of wear on you, no doubt. His
frustration kept building and I can certainly identify with
that. The sad part is that he chose to take it out on
innocent people. Lonliness can do a job on you. Everyone on this post can attest to that. It’s hard not to become bitter
when you get the feeling that life is passing you by!
Trying to deal with it can be even harder!

Hank, you nailed it big time, coping is so hard, I sometimes feel like the biggest loser out there for being so sensitive.

I feel like life IS passing by because it actually IS.

Each day I get a day older and less optimistic.

IF only I could be happy on my own, is that really possible???

Livid, whenever I come across someone who is in a terrible
relationship I tell myself that my situation isn’t so bad
after all. Maybe I’m the freak for holding out so long and thinking the RIGHT person will come along. Getting in a
relationship just for the sake of having one is an idea that
is foreign to me. The big question is how long do you keep
searching? I honestly don’t have an answer. Is it possible
to be happy and alone? Part of me says yeah, it is, the other part,……well!

Something occurred to me last night and I’ve been thinking about it a lot.

If I was to find out that I girl I was interested in has a guy I would just step down. But being mathematical about this makes me believe that this is a very counterproductive action.
And let me be blunt: there ARE ugly girls. Sorry if someone felt offended.

So the rest of the girls that I would find remotely attractive, find boyfriends at a very early age (14 or so) driven mostly by social standards and their girlfriends – “Gee, how could you not have a guy by now. You’re such a loser…”.

So from that point on that girl is taken. For good…
No woman (or man actually) will willingly end a relationship JUST so they can be available for something better, right? That would only happen in case the relationship is already going downhill really fast. In which case either of the sides will not look for a new partner for x amount of time. Let’s say that out of 5 years of a relationship that has gone bad, you’ll be single for the next 3 months ’till you’re ready to date again. Five years x 12 months = 60 months divided by 3 equals 20. That’s 20:1 chance you’ll find someone who is ready to date and is not in a relationship. Of course I am being approximate.

The odds however are ridiculous. And I’m not just being theoretical about this. Come to think of it, I’ve only known one or two girls in my entire life span who would be pretty enough to date, but are still single. One of them had gone out of a bad relationship recently so she hardly counts.

So trying to find a girl good enough and available to date is practically impossible. Or next to impossible anyway.
Which means I have to go for girls who do have boyfriends, right? Two or three possible options here however:

1. I’m being consistent and she does find something attractive about me eventually.
2. She clearly states she’s already in a relationship and she’d have nothing to do with me.

Both of those seem to me as “cheating”, because you can’t just go out with someone in case you aren’t actually interested in them, but if you are interested then you are tampering with the trust you’re given by your partner.
So how could I possibly hit it off with a girl that was in a relationship in he first place, considering I could end up the same way as her ex boyfriend – abandoned for something better?

Shouldn’t there be some kind of a “I’m taken” sign? Is that the role of the engagement ring?

I’m really baffled here. On one hand I have mathematical and certain life proof that the outlook does not look good if I am to look for someone single. On the other I have my moral issues that lead me to believe that a girl that would leave someone for something better without remorse is far below my level of moral values.

Crafty, they don’t call you that for nothing!

I have often wondered about just this too.

To let yourself be known to someone, and “be there for them” is great. IF they are in a good relationship then nothing will happen, but if they are not that happy you could be a potential but in their ear.

No harm no fowl. Plus, you will be the person that stands in stark contrast to the dud that they are currently with.

So what’s to lose?

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I can appreciate your theory Crafty. I never seem to meet
anyone that is totally single or unattached that I can
connect with. I’ve had plenty of chances to date married
women and friends’ girlfriends but my conscience always got in the way. To make yourself known, as Livid has suggested,is a subtle way of letting someone know you’re
interested without pushing too hard and the ball is in their court. In stealing someone away I’d always be thinking when is she going to dump me for somebody she
thinks is better? I’ve often asked myself, Is it better to
just date someone and avoid lonliness or wait and wait for
a miracle to happen? Seems to me precious time is lost
either way! All is fair in love and war is ok as long
as you’re on the winning side! Losing….not so much!

I’ve had quite a few encounters with girls that were spoken for, but I always backed out. Was that not the honorable thing to do?

And now that I think about it, no, it wasn’t. It was the really stupid thing to do.

Again, we’re back on the “Good for you, pal” topic where it’s just you and yourself. Nobody’s gonna come and give you a pat on the shoulder for being upright by not trying to take somebody’s girl. That was just me being a ‘tard.

And I know I should probably say to myself “Hey, I’m just 24. Life’s ahead of me.” , but it sure as hell doesn’t feel that way. There is this sort of a social ladder you gotta climb or at least that’s how I see it:

You get a girlfriend at 16 – it lasts two weeks. You get another one at 18 – it lasts 2-3 months and you maybe get laid couple of times. Then you’re kinda sad and lonely for a while and find a girl that has been through what you have. You’re happy together and you last for two or three years. And then you could repeat the last step again or you find “the one” you marry and have kids with.

It’s only normal a girl will expect that kind of experience from me in return. Nobody will want someone who’s “skipped” on all of that and is now in his mid 20′s, but is otherwise “real cool…”
Tough luck, kid.

Thanks, livid and Hank. I still have a lot more to consider before I get it right. That is, IF I ever get it right.

Forget about that social ladder crap Crafty. Not everybody’s
life goes along at the same speed. There is no set formula
to life! Plenty of married people out there are terribly
miserable. Could be that your good times are just beginning!

There is no rhyme or reason to this matter. It just comes when it comes. Or unfortunately when it never does. That is the brutal truth.

You got that right Livid. “Never found the right person”
will probably end up on my gravestone by the looks of it.

Just finished ready your article! I am so tired of being single too!!!

Another date… I have no idea how the first impression went. She seems really nice, but I’m still wondering if we have anything in common. She said to give her a call sometime so that must mean I may have a second date coming. This sort of thing beats me black and blue. Boy, am I pathetic.

Sometimes, the simplest thing is the answer. You got digits, so that’s promising. Don’t nuke it, and don’t wonder after a first date about commonalities. Give it a few dates before you revisit that question. Good luck.

Jimmy, it couldn’t have gone that bad if there is a
possible second date. My advice, for what it’s worth, is
to take it slow and see how things develop. Don’t seem
too anxious and don’t beat yourself up over it. Hope it
works out for you!!

Are there any normal people out there who want a simple, healthy, committed relationship??

I have spent this entire summer meeting one whack job after another, I am LOOOOSING IT!!

Good question Livid. They’re kind of like the Bigfoot. You
hear about them, but you never see ‘em. I believe I’d have better luck in finding Amelia Earhart!

we are out there i promise! i think the problem is meeting each other.. or not knowing what to do when we do meet each other? no one wants to come accross as desperate to spend time with someone so what comes accross to the other is “yeah heh, good to meet you, nice to see you, maybe i’ll see you again sometime?” it’s not exactly encouraging. what would be great would be if someone actually knew the answer to the question how do you find someone for yourself? there is no answer because it seems to be different for everyone. i’ve always just gone with being friends and then hope it turns into something more? or jumping right into things only to have it fall apart within two weeks to a month! if i could just meet the guy who would honestly walk up to me, tell me was interested, spend some time to get to know me, to let it grow, and then to let it blossom into a loving, supportive, sexually & intellectually stimulating relationship! man! that’s what iv’e been waiting for!

Not gonna happen.
Just won’t.

I have just thing to say “Needle in a Haystack”

I’m convinced it only happens in fairytales, songs,and
in the movies. In real life, prepare to get BURNED!

i just heard of a new safe dating site that i am going to use. it is called Postitos.come, the site hosts the banter and you can give out your information when you feel comfortable. it also has a mycon feature if you are a little shy like i am. just thought i would let you all know! let’s chat!

I think some people are oblivious. You know who you are.

Met a great guy, such a gentleman, until……………..I found out he is MARRIED!!!

No, we don’t.
Anyway.

Hank,

I’ve met someone I didn’t consider interesting at first, but now I feel like I’ve fallen head over heels for that girl and I’m pretty certain she’s interested as well.
What I really like about her is that she (at least seems that way) has actual moral standards – rare thing to see in a girl – and she lives by them. Never uses elevator, never swears (thank you, God!) and she also has that feminine thing that girls seem to have lost lately. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I think you’ll understand what I’m talking about.

Problem is I don’t know where I stand with her right now and I don’t exactly have much time to find out. I’ll be leaving the company next week which means I’ve got 3 more days to get things moving.

She’s playing sort of hard to get and I’d be OK with that if I had the time for it, but since I don’t I wish there was a way I could state my position without coming on too strong or too… needy.
Experience has taught me that rushing things is hardly ever productive, but in this case it’s sort of “Now or…well, not now” and I don’t want it to end like this.
We’ve had a few friendly chats, she hugged me once and one time she took the ice cream on a stick out of my mouth and ate it. That was hot damn it!!! HOT!

So I’d appreciate some advice here.
Should I go out of my way and try to act a bit more aggressive or hope for things to develop naturally within the next 3 days? Yeah, like that’s gonna happen…

Crafty, Just ask her to go out!!!!

Take her to a nice dinner and see if you guys connect, simple as that.

Think positive it sounds good, all the best of luck!

Livid,

Sorry that happen to you. I still admire you for not giving up and I think it’s a certain win if you keep doing it. One day you’re BOUND to find someone you click with.

As for the dinner…
I don’t think we’re there yet. We don’t know each other that well still and I’d be too shy to ask her out like that. I’m having second thoughts now. Crap.

Ask her out on a date, Crafty, but make it something with lower pressure and a lot of fun. Dinner on a first date can imply more than it should, but lunch gives both of you time for other options. A good lunch can rival a good dinner. And, don’t wait for things to naturally develop: that’s how you end up in the friend bucket. Be the man: nudge it along, dress and groom to impress without GQing yourself, make the plans, have surprises. Don’t think it to death and don’t give things too much import, just flow and have fun. I’m pulling for you.

Crafty, there is no doubt in my mind that she is for sure into you. As a woman, I can tell you that if a woman is giving a hug or even more than that ate your ice cream, she did not do that accidently. I am guessing that after she did that, she was laughing too?
The woman is definitely into you but she is not that much into you as yet. I agree with the folks who said that your next step is as simple as to ask her on a date. You need to show her that you are REALLY interested and that this is different from what you felt towards her at the begining when you were not into her yet and trust me women remember these things and compare behaviors before and after. If she does not notice any difference how she could possibly know that you are NOW interested. If she does recognize that however, she will either give you a chance or she would make it clear to you that she is not interested. Since I do not know the woman these two scenarios may apply only if she is not playing with you which from what you described does not sound as she does.
If you ask her on a date it does not have to be something too heavy. Perhaps going out for a movie and then for a drink after the movie. Going to see a movie together would allow you the time to relax and enjoy the date without the pressure of thinking what you have to say to impress her.
Good luck with that.

Livid,

I feel for you. Sadly, as a married guy, I’ll tell you that what made us marriageable also tends to make us a little more attractive: we can commit, we can fall deeply in love, we’re romantics. Marriage can also put us more in tune with females and all their subtleties more: call it better dating practice than being single, ironically.

I’ve learned that most women will not ask a guy right away if he’s married. Either they don’t care or they fear coming on too strong. If this is you, always ask. He will either tell you the truth or set himself up with a lie to get caught later. Take your time, learn his routine and sometimes date outside of it for a while if you have a hunch: even try dates at times normally reserved for a wife and kid like breakfast, brunches on weekends, early on weekdays, when schools might have sporting events/seasons, etc.). Watch if he’s evasive both behaviorally or emotionally. After a while, he’ll trip himself up, it’s hard to have two lives. Unless he doesn’t give a shit about his wife in which case, he’ll be harder to catch because he has already begun to check out.

What are you waiting for Crafty? I feel GLAD FOR YOU! At
least one of us has a little luck. Just tell her how you feel and take it from there. Unless she’s a super tease,
I’d say she’s interested. So go for it, what have you got
to lose? What’s to be will be! BEST OF LUCK TO YA PAL!!!

Livid, really sorry to hear that. I’ve had some married women make a play for me. They didn’t even try to hide it. What I don’t understand is if someone wants to act single
why get married at all? I guess wedding vows are just a formality anymore. Met a woman a couple of weeks ago. She
seemed interested enough but she also knew every guy in the place. Some things she told me didn’t make sense either.
All I could see was a huge red flag, if you know what I mean. Think I’ll keep looking. This luck can’t last forever,…….can it?

Not all women are like that. This is really the exception, Hank055 not the rule. I think that you will find the right girl if you would keep yourself positive and trust that eventually the woman would sense your positivity.
I had lately get to know a guy very briefly who seemed to be put together and with a nice career. I very quickly sensed a desperation in her seeking after a date. At the same time he seemed too focused on himself, but want me to be interested in him at the same time. I obviously sensed lack of maturity and wondered how can i trust him if he is so focused on himself and all he wants is a woman to cry on her shoulders. I ended the communication between us immediately. The simple reason for doing that is that as much as I wanted to give him a chance as well as to this dating to grow, he absolutely did no efforts to make himself look attractive and a lot of negative energy was there is his voice and approach towards life, I can’t emphasize that enough. It is like everything in this universe is wrong and bad and all in all the world is such a bad place to be at..I am giving you this scenario as an example just to make the point that it is also important how woman perceives you, it is not enough that you would feel attraction towards her. Women do give signals when they are attracted, you just need to learn them.

Well said Joan, important not to make sweeping gender generalisations. It sounds like you made the right decision with that guy, he sounded like he wasn’t in a place to give to anyone. Seems like he had a lot of work to do on himself..hope you are feeling positive about your decision…

Cool comments. And thanks for the support, guys.

As expected, I got cold feet today. Asshole…
Hopefully tomorrow I’ll grow a pair of something in my pants and ask her out. She gave me a hug this morning which sort of caught me off guard. It’s just that I haven’t felt like that way in a long time. It is refreshing to say the least.

Hi Julie. I do feel better now. Thank you sweetie.
Happy dating

I pulled it off
Walked right into her room which was full of other girls and I could hear them talk, but as soon as I went in there everything went silent. It’s like everyone but me knew what I was there for. We had a short chat and I asked her why she didn’t came to see me today. She smiled and asked me if I missed her.

So couple of hours later she came by, I took her out and BANG! I popped the question.
She said she’s busy this sunday, but I was firm and wouldn’t take “no” for an answer which led to… well, honestly I don’t know what it led to, but she seemed inclined to come. I’ll find out tomorrow, but either way I’m happy that I managed to ask her out. It was a step in the right direction.
I’m still not sure if it wasn’t too soon though.

You see Crafty, the world did not come to an end.

You did it… that’s the most important part of this whole game… just going for it!

Good luck man…

Shut your brain off, Crafty;)

How else is one to find out whether anything is too soon or not, if not by DOING? And you played it smart. If you had responded to her “No” by agreeing and walking away, you would have been flopping in the friend bucket!

Now, follow through boldly. “The achievement of a goal is not a marathon, but an aggressive sprint – - – short, but powerfully intense. No dramatic change is accomplished in a slow, steady, and sensible manner” (Chris Shugart)

You da man Crafty! I’m glad for you. You’re off to a good
start. Lots of luck amigo!

Good luck nothing.
We talked and laughed today, but she came by several times to tell me that she wouldn’t be able to make it, because she was engaged elsewhere. She seemed genuine, but man that made me feel bad about myself. Why can’t things work out for me at least for once…

Good news is that the game we’re working on is shipping next wednesday which gives me three more days to work my magic.
I don’t want to give up on this particular girl.

Crafty, Don’t give up just yet. My advice would be to remain
cautiously optomistic. At least she made an effort to let you know she has a previous engagement. Just don’t get too
down on yourself if this doesn’t work out. I think if she’s interested she’ll find a way to see you. That’s my opinion.
One final word. DO NOT,I repeat,DO NOT seem overly anxious!
If there’s anything I’ve learned it’s that. Best Wishes from
the Hankster!

I mostly try to let the comments on this post go without moderation, but I will not allow people to be attacked in comments. As such, I’m removing the last few posts from Joe and Julie. There is no place for finger-pointing on this site. This is a place for help, advice, and general discussion, not intimidation and name-calling.

I’m going to request that everyone think carefully about the words they’re typing and whether they’re helpful or not.

Thanks.

This is it. This is IT!
That’s life for me.
Last week I thought I had a shot at this girl, but no.
The last couple of days she’s been ignoring me completely. It’s like… I don’t even know what to compare it with. I did absolutely nothing that would make her act that way. I wasn’t clingy or desperate. I wasn’t on the lookout for her attention or anything. But she got cold, and what’s worse – I see her flirting with a colleague of mine now.
In times like these I can not help but wonder what the fuck did I do wrong to deserve this?!

Hope is the worse possible feeling you can ever experience in this life. Better to be single and hopeless and deal with some amount of pain you can handle rather than be presented with some sort of a chance to actually be happy and then have it taken away from you. That really hurts.

Crafty, I hear you man!

That really sucks, and it is at a time like this that you have to beleive in yourself.

I know it sounds so cliche, but really try and look at yourself positively.

This girl was not that into you, that’s all. It’s nothing you did or didn’t do.

Haven’t you ever been in that position before, where some chick likes you and you are not into her.

I’m sure you have, it’s not her fault it’s just you weren’t into her.

Well it’s the same thing here. You just din’t find the person you like who likes you back.

That is the HARDEST thing to get; two people who both like each other to be at the same place at the same time.

Just promise to hang in there, Ok?

It is the hardest thing to do , but if you are a strong person you will be able to do it.

It will happen.

Keep your chin up.

Crafty, I think you have what to learn from this experience in a good way not in a destructive way. I think if you go back to earlier developments in this flirting/early dating scene, you would notice that as a matter of fact she did give you a sign that she is not serious about dating you. If you remember my comment I mentioned to you to go ahead, and that she SEEMS into you, unless that she is playing with you. Right after that you mentioned that she came back to you and told you that she have an earlier commitment and she cant. She could not be any clearer and please don’t get mad. I am trying to help you to read women’s signals.
From what you said about her earlier as well as the last development with her flirting with a new guy it is most likely that she does that ALL THE TIME not for the purpose of dating any guy, but for her own ego..she probably either lives in her own dreamland and do not want to date at all, or she had been in love with a guy or she still in love with a guy who does not feel the same feelings for her, and she needs other guys to flirt with her in order for her to improve how she feels about her self as a woman and you simply was one of those candidates. Usually women who do these things lack maturity and everything that can come with the package of immaturity is in them..so you have to do some thinking about that, and I totally agree with Livid he put it very nicely some women will be into you and some not, just as you would be into some women and some you would never feel into them..take it east and move on. let the feelings come up and process it well so you would be able to move on with no anger feelings as well. Good luck.

Well put, Livid.

Crafty, I almost feel guilty encouraging you to follow your bliss and take a chance. And I’m really sorry things didn’t turn out as you hoped. But this story could have turned out differently, and it is for this reason that you have to dust yourself off and continue trying. Not with this person, but with others. You don’t have to, of course, no pressure. And don’t let this diminish your self worth.

Don’t lose hope on the world because of the callousness of the few, Crafty.

Yes, but then why the hell did she take the fist step if she had no intention of seeing things through? I was like a glass full of water – still and peaceful. Then she came and stirred the whole thing. And when I decided to play along – poof – nothing. What kind of a sick joke is that?!

Either way, it’s over and I’ll move on eventually, but for a day or two I really thought I had a chance and it was a pleasant feeling. Too bad it had to end so fast.

Thank you so much for your support guys.

livid: Thanks. I’ll hang… what else is there to do anyway.

Joan: I’ve seen women who crave attention before and she didn’t seem to be one of them, but now that I think about it…

Aiden: What happened was my fault alone. I should’ve been more careful, but I rushed in and that’s what I got. You win some, you lose some, right?

PS. livid is female-ish

Ps Crafty, I am femalish because I am one!

I know of what I speak.

Don’t ever give up because of one, two or three…. Let’s not hope for that many.

People are weird. Period.

Get used to it.

Once you see that, you will let things roll off your back.

One more spot of advise, the more you get hurt the less it will…

Happy Hunting

I know you are girl
Thanks, livid.
So what are you doing tonight?

Crafty….Ha HA , you got the right idea.

Truly sorry to hear that Crafty. Some women enjoy being the
TEASER type. They don’t have a soul! Forget her,she’ll get hers some day, big time. I’ve had a few blow up in my face
too. It hurts, makes you angry. If you can learn anything from this it’s that you can’t read someone’s mind because
they are sending some positive signals. Doesn’t work!
Move on and chalk one up to experience! After all, it could
have been a lot worse. She could have went on some dates with you and drained your wallet. Best wishes in the future!

Livid, people ARE weird aren’t they? Once you sort out the
losers and total nut-jobs the pickings are very, very slim.
Nobody is who you think they are or what they claim to be!
The old saying “Show me your friends and I’ll tell you who
you are” still rings true!

I’ll be your wing girl

I feel every word you said. The lonelyness hurts deep inside and life feels pointless alone. I’ve given up on finding a partner, it never seems to work. I’ve been told theres nothing worng with me but experience tells me otherwise. I’ve just accepted that some people end up alone their whole life. I hope you find someone.

Thanks again for your support. You’re great.

Hank, I think I now know what you meant by “cautiously optimistic”, but how do you do that?
It’s like holding back your emotions and not just from the world, but from yourself. Of course you wouldn’t be running around the streets screaming “I’m in love, I’m in love” etc, but how do you stop yourself from being so positive or hopeful?
Because obviously that is the wrong way to go.

Just look at the guys who got the “I don’t give a damn” stamped on their foreheads. They probably get to beat girls off with a stick. How do I become one of those?!

Crafty, What I meant was to remain positive but at the same time keep your guard up and be ready for disappointment.
Granted, sometimes people are very good at leading you on
and their signals will be mixed, but experience will teach
you to trust your own instincts. I’ve had plenty of bad
experiences like the one you just had. Looking back on them
I realized I may have overlooked some of the negative vibes
that should have been obvious to me probably because I
wanted it to work out so bad! Hindsight, as they say, is
20/20. Don’t stop from being hopeful,just remember what
happened last time and approach with a little more caution.

The “I don’t give a damn” attitude might work in a bar but
having an air of confidence about yourself is a good idea
anywhere. Not arrogant just confident. I know it’s very
hard to do and it took me a long time to learn this hard
lesson. By the way, how’s those guitar lessons coming?

I like your attitude HANK. This is exactly IT. Not to become angry, nor arrogant and definitely not direspectful towards women. This is becuase too many reasons, however the main reasons among them is that it would project on who you are as a guy much more than affect the woman, and second of all, it would back fire at you in many ways, leaving you feeling worse than before. In other words it would be a cycle that you would be trapped in, without a way out of it, should you approach men women relationship with disrespect. I can assure you that no woman would accept you with this attitude unless she is going through her own dilemma which would mean that she most likely needs help rather than a relationship.
This is my two cents.

I cant believe what i have just read, youve touched my heart, this is all the things that ive told others like whats the point in experiencing a beutiful day or going on a trip when you’ve no one to share it with, i hope u find someone one day who apreciates and who you love waking up with i’ll keep my fingers crossed for u if u will do it for me xx

I feel your pain man, I too am tired of being lonely. You look around and you see these girls in relationships where they aren’t treated right, and they’re walked on. I would never do that, yet I’m the one looking in. There appears to be no end to it and I’ve accepted the fact that it’s not going to change. It never used to really bother me, and to be honest I thought there was no point to it, but I was very wrong. I want someone to protect, someone to live for, someone to comfort when they’re upset, and I don’t. It really is depressing sometimes…

Last night I had a dream. The dream of the most vivid imagination, the imagination of one who wishes to never be alone, the imagination of one who lives in a world which bends light and blocks sight.

This dream was that of a struggle, the struggle and conflict which rages inside all who are alone and seeking answers. I was fighting, I was that of the role which takes on a form of an agent, a lawman so it seemed, seeking justice… To put right that which has been wronged. My life was in mortal danger, but I was strong, so so strong. My aim was deadly and my fist that of steel. Looking down the barrel of many guns and taking them on with Vengeance!!!!

I watch as the last one begged for mercy, after watching the last of his consorts fall to the mistake in judgment he had made before confronting me and my will. I spared this man’s life and apprehended him and had him taken away. Then I saw it, a door… One that was in plain view of the carnage and righteous fury which was my scorn. That which was being guarded by the foul and filth that dared curse my name. I reached for the handle, opened the door slowly, Looked in to find a girl, strangely the sent of this room was inviting, sweet and perfumic. The atmosphere was also pulling on every since of my soul, tender and soft as if to be calling to me. I look across the room, to this girl… She motions me to come closer, she seemed scared, I think to myself she must have been kidnapped I should save her and take her into my strong arms…

As I walk towards her I find that it was I that suddenly turned weak and my resolve had broken. I reach the girl and I was a pulp/ a shell of the man I was just moments ago. Suddenly she says my name, I stare deep into her eyes, she says “I knew you would come, and now it is I that shall save you, my love…” We end in a loving embrace, hugging and kissing, the sweet passionate scene one would view at the end of a movie. The hair of black with red highlights, the skin of that kissed by the sun, the red pouty lips, the dress… That of blue silk with a bow tied off in the middle. It was real and I knew it!

It was real, so so real… It was tormenting and blissful I wanted it to never end, I had everything that was missing in my life in that one moment. Suddenly I was ripped unfairly away, to my empty room in my empty bed in my empty house. Had it all just been a dream??? If so, then why was I blessed with such feelings and emotions, to just have been mocked and teased? I still have that thought in my head which will stay with me always…

I don’t know, just thought I would share this with you all… Make your comments as you wish, I am going to go weep in the woe and bask in the memories of this dream. Perhaps for a brief moment I can have that happiness again.

Wow, Zack, great way of putting it. I couldn’t have said it better myself. I’m so tired of hearing at work that I need to find someone. I’m so tired of hearing from family that I need to find someone and have children before they get too old. I am SO TIRED of being told the sea of available women is dwindling, they will all be divirced with children soon, so I better step it up a notch. I consider myself attractive and smart, but why I cannot manage to find a girl is beyond me. I hate being the wing man, too. I know there has got to be a whole sea of single, attractive, smart women close to my age out there, but where???

Dustin, apparently that ship has sailed a long time ago.
Unfortunately, things aren’t quite like a movie on the
Hallmark Channel where everybody meets their soulmate and
ends up impossibly happy! That sea you talked about ain’t
anywhere on my map.

Does anyone out there know of some way to keep sane, while waiting for something to happen?

It’s brutal coming home from a day of work and opening the door at 6 oclock, and asking “What now?”

Trying to make up things to fill the evening when all you wan to do is be at home, make a nice dinner and share the evening with someone.

I find myself pacing or going out to try and find something to do when all I want is to relax at home and chill. But this is not fun 7 days a week alone.

So you end up going out, spending money , and chasing your tail.

I am so bored of this routine, any suggestions??????

Well Livid, I tried a lot of different things. Listening to music,reading,popping in a DVD,etc.,etc. They all get old
eventually. Trouble is when I go out I usually don’t know
anyone either. It’s not that much fun going out to eat by
yourself or going to see some kind of entertainment. I have
a friend that I golf with but that’s obviously daytime.
Once in a while I’ll get together with my cousins and their
husbands but I hate the role of fifth wheel. Then you have the bar scene. Don’t even want to go there. Camping and
hiking are ok but again, it would be far better with
someone I really want to be with. I love to cook, but like you said, it would be great to share it with someone. On and on it goes and I ask myself if this is as good as it’s
ever gonna get.

So what you are saying Hank, is that there is no answer.

I guess you just accept and deal, until something comes along.

That is just about the long and short of it, I would say.

SUCKS!

It does suck Livid. I won’t say there is no answer. I’m
just not able to supply one. I try to keep occupied and do
things I like in order to keep my sanity. These days
opportunity comes along about as often as Haley’s Comet!
The only thing left is to deal with it best you can. Guess
I could just start dating anyone for the sake of dating, but
that really has no meaning. Hell, my cat is better company
than some people I’ve known.

I read this article in Men’s Health a few months ago, and found it to be such an eye opener that I just had to share it. Maybe, it could offer ideas to the ladies here as well as the men. If this doesn’t open, Google “”she’s out there” men’s health article”

http://www.menshealth.com/cda/article.do?site=MensHealth&channel=women&category=hooking.up&conitem=a1756bd750602210VgnVCM10000030281eac____

I actually read that article in Mens Health, and it really made sense to me.

Thanks

Livid, there is no easy answers, you and Hank are both right. And in case I ever sound like a smug married, I will soon face this world as a divorcee and am finding out some of the very things you guys mention in this thread (not much different than when I was single, just more modernized). Much like the article implies, we have to change the way we meet people and how, get out more and be more social. Which will lead, scarily, to dating more. And sometimes it is stress, but as long as you are smart about it, it should be fun even if it doesn’t work out. You can’t always worry about it too much: some relationships look good on paper but don’t work in reality. So to find that out, and which ones will work, you’ve got to get out there.

Sorry to hear that Aiden. Unfortunately social skills have taken a back seat in today’s digital world. I must be
terribly old school but I put much more value on face to
face interaction. You’re right when you say that some
relationships look good on paper but don’t work. Some folks
can put on a good show. I’ve been “Out There”, but I can tell you the pickings are slim and none. I sometimes wonder
if anyone is really happy in a relationship or did they just
find someone who is tolerable!

My mom used to say, upon meeting someone, “no me cayo bien” (didn’t sit well/didn’t strike her right). I pretty much trust that vibe. Sometimes, you don’t really see the really happy ones because the reasons are very subtle. People could be looking for the obvious hand holding and overt PDA. A person could see a guy and a girl talking in the street and see a normal conversation, but the guy might have said to the lady “I’m gonna kiss you good tonight” and it’s their second date. Don’t rely too much on your eyes, there is always a backstory and a side story you don’t see.

A lot of people settle. They marry young and then down the road after kids and house and bills they are bored and no long in love.

But because of fear, finances and family they stay, miserable but still married.

They go on like this for years and sometimes forever.

If the people who are truly unhappy were out there with us I don’t think we all would be that lonely.

There are so many potential partners in the world but they don’t have the get up and go to actually get up and go,

So we have slim pickins

I have to say that marriage is not exactly misearable. I have been married once, I married very young, and today I am single again.. for the last 5 years. It is not always the case that couples would not be happy together after a decade or two. Priorities change and so the definiton of partnership. Children, finances and building a fututre for the family are all aspects that become significantly important for any couples. At the same time, there are those who cheat and there are many incidents who end up with divorce. I am lucky that my divorce was at a very early stage with no children. We simply did not feel that it was right for us to be married to each other and so we split. Today when I look back I feel good about that decision that I made about that divorce. In fact, it was one of the best decisions that I have ever made in my life.
My advise to you is: don’t lever ose hope. You will find someone.. If you keep yourself open to the idea and be out there, one day he or she will walk into your life and you would barely remember what you have been saying about being single..or what ever that was..Cheers

Does anyone have any positive stories about women over 30 (in my case 33) finding someone to share their life with? Virtually all the women I know over 30 have been single for years, with no luck when it comes to men.

I was in a wonderful relationship many years ago, but we split up because of geography. Recently I thought I met the man of my dreams, but after three months (1/2 of which was long distance), he’s pulled away. He’s a textbook case of emotionally unavailable. And it sucks because I adore this man otherwise. He’s truly exactly what I’ve been looking for.

I am lonlier than I have ever been and so frustrated with my life in the romance department.

Any positive stories would be helpful!!

Just about the only positive thing here is that we’re still alive, somewhat sane and we haven’t walked into a school with AK47. I guess that counts for something, right?

Something like that movie “Groundhog Day”‘ where the same
day keeps happening over and over. Eh Crafty?

It’s tough out there for anyone of either sex or of any age.

The more intelligent you are or accomplished, seems to make things even harder.

You are not willing to settle.

So slim pickins are the reality

Exactly, Hank. It’s an endless loop.

livid, you’re right too. Which makes me wonder if actually relationships have something to do with intelligence. I don’t mean to sound uppity or with my head up my arse, but does it occur to you that most intelligent people (semi intelligent anyway) seem to have much harder time finding a significant counterpart?
Is it because we think and analyze too much?

There was this guy are work who was a total moron (got kicked out eventually). And I DO mean moron. And yet he had a girlfriend who – in my opinion – looked quite nice.

How? HOW?!
I can not help but wonder what the hell does he have that I don’t? If I didn’t know, I’d swear that he wouldn’t be able to get a date with a rubber doll. Geez, that girl must have a mental disability or something.

Precisely, Crafty…..

Higher intelligence is rare, being socially, financially and career acomplished is rare.

So in order to be happy with someone you have to have common ground, you need to respect that person and feel they are your equal.

In order not to get bored and frustrated you need conversation with someone who “get’s it”

An example of this … I was out with a guy, he was ok.

I pulled my cel phone out of my pocket it had inadvertently dialed a whole screen of 00000000. I said to him “looked I have a whole bunch of nothing”
“get it”…Well he didn’t get it at all didn’t understand even when I explained the little funny ice breaker.

So, instant turn off. The rest of the conversation was not interesting just small talk. It was a boring time.

He was not witty or fun at all.

I really believe that you need someone with equal intelligence and a similar sence of humour. Sure a hot looking person is attractive, but that is only half of the equation.

The smarter and funnier you are the harder it is to find a person who is attractive, smart and fun all rolled together, that is a rare comodity.

It is not anything WRONG with you, it is just harder to find your counterpart, there are simply less of your kind out there.

Average is abundant, exceptional is rare.

Just a numbers game, try and be patient and hang in there.

You hit the nail on the head Livid. There are too many people who DON’T GET IT! They have no sense of humor
unless it’s very simple. Some even think you’re talking down to them and that gives them a feeling of inferiority.
I don’t feel I talk down to anyone. I only have a high school education. On that rare occasion that I do meet
someone witty or fun to talk to they are ALWAYS MARRIED
OR IN A RELATIONSHIP! On the other side of the coin I
don’t like yuppie types who are arrogant and try to shove it in your face either. Guess I’m kind of caught in the
middle somewhere. The older you get the harder it gets.

Crafty, that guy you mentioned probably has a moron girlfriend. She doesn’t feel intimidated by him.
I see it all the time.She probably dresses nice and he
looks like he just walked out of a lumber camp! Of course
she could probably tell you what’s going on in every tv
reality show.

Where will it end?

Hank, I agree.

She is either a full on moron or broke.

Girls will be with a guy who isn’t all that to be in a better financial situation.

Maybe he is helping to pay her bills, or buying her things, there is an explanation for sure.

Actually he was quite poor from what I can tell. But that’s besides the point.
He just wouldn’t groom or take care of himself. I am certain that he lasted a week without taking a bath. Don’t get me wrong. I am not being judgmental, because I don’t really know where he’s coming from and so on, but if I was in her position I’d never go for a slob like that. And I don’t see how anyone could.

If a man can’t take care of himself… well then how is he going to take care of anything else? And I’m talking about basic needs here. First level of Maslow’s pyramid.

And yes, well put, Livid. That did made a lot of sense although I don’t exactly fall into the “smart” category. Never really graduated from university and my IQ’s barely 127 which makes me quite average. But to be honest I’ve met only two girls that I was really interested in after getting to know them. They challenged me intellectually and I felt like we were on the same level.
However one of them left for the US of A and the other went to friggin Denmark to study. Come on! Who goes to Denmark for crying out loud!
But that was two years ago. Never met anyone special ever since. Well, I thought I did with that last girl, but it took only a week to see what a wench she turn out to be.

But, yeah. Looking back I definitely have to agree with you two. It’s a numbers game unless you’re dead from the neck up. I wish I was one of those guys who stick fingers up their nose, but still get to have girlfriends just because they exist.

Hey, this place is actually turning out to be something quite nice. Feels good to have someone to talk to and know that you’re understood. Thanks.

Crafty, anybody that goes out with a guy like that has no
self-respect. Probably thinks she doesn’t deserve better.
I’ll never understand that view. One thing you have to ask yourself is would you really want that type of woman that is
attracted to guys who have their fingers up their nose or
some other place? Yeah, it’s a numbers game like Livid said,
but then again so is the lottery and we all know how that works out! The odds are certainly stacked against us.

Yes, outlook does not look good and we know that all too well.
But now I’m thinking “Why not?”
Why not have a stupid girlfriend and at least get laid rather than being single, Hank? How much worse can things get?
And you have to admit women seem to really take a leap for a guy that’s already in a relationship or something. It’s the so called “social mirror”. “He’s good enough for that girl, then he’s good enough for me”. On the other hand if you’re single, you stay single, ’cause nobody likes singles. They are mentally ill and handicapped and it’s contagious.

So what’s the point of waiting for something that’s worth it if it won’t ever come? I’ve got a better chance being struck by a lightning where I stand rather than meet a girl that is generally interested in me and will respond to what I have to offer.

Right now I’m having a terrible time and frankly I’m quite angry at the world and myself for being where I am. I guess that’s the best I’m capable of then. Other creeps and nut jobs can get girls and not even give a damn, but hey… that’s life for ya.

It’s ok for a while Crafty, but believe me it wears thin.
I’m just as frustrated as you are and I’m sick and tired of being “Sick and Tired”. Friends wives don’t like me much.
You know those single guys,they all go to strip clubs and
get drunk every night. Of course we’re all drug addicts
too! We can’t be trusted for a Goddamn thing, can we?
I can appreciate how you feel pal. Being up against it has
become a way of life almost and there is no light at the
end of the tunnel, but somewhere there is a little faith left. Very Little! Shine On

We simply do not know what is around the corner.

We tend to judge the future based on the past, so because we have not seen and good evidence for meeting a great person, only so far negative losers, we tend to establish a pattern of hopelessness.

Hey you know what the definition of a pessismist is? An optimist with experience!

Haven’t heard the drug addict story yet, Hank, but it makes sense. They can pin the 9/11 on one of us and it will be perfectly reasonable.

Livid, those things get to you. At least they get to me. You try once, you fail. You try again, you fail. You do it ten more time and you fall flat on your back again and again. How can anyone be hopeful after that? “Yeah, I sucked the last twenty times, but maybe this time it will work” ?

I can relate to hermits now. For a year I use to work at home and didn’t meet anyone (especially women) and I was fine. Still single and sad from time to time, but HECK, I was feeling a lot better than I am right now.

Now the girl’s out there, but I can’t reach her, because every time I try it’s like I hit anti-singles barrier. She’s taken, she’s gone, she’s from another town, she’s taken, she’s gone, she’s a tease, she’s not interested, she’s really not interested…

But I’m convinced that it’s me. It has to be. I’m probably way too ugly to date. It’s impossible to be 24 and not get a date for 5 years and be turned down so many times. Besides how come I never got asked out ONCE? Women just find me unattractive and possibly boring.

It’s easy to get down on yourself when all you get is negative feedback.

It’s perfectly natural to think it’s you and to blame yourself.

I feel for you, I have been there, I go through those moments myself.

I find it comes in waves, some good days or weeks and then the bad.

I don’t know what to say only, please try and find something within yourself to make you feel a bit better. Something that eases your stress even just a bit.

I call some friends, get a massage or buy a treat for myself.

I know it sounds lame, but it the best thing to do when you are feeling down.

I know this sounds cliche, but this too shall pass

Read both Bridget Jones books, guys: Bridget Jones Diary and The Edge of Reason. The books are way more hilarious but human than the movies. And a lot of what you guys cover here are really covered there, and some you are headed towards ( Singleton’s Bill of Rights). In moments such as yours it won’t offer a solution but it will offer a good laugh a a bit more. I promise.

Had sort of an epiphany today. Here goes:

Saw this same girl I had a crush on and she was with that guy that… Doesn’t matter but they were together and I saw them in the cafeteria. I felt flushed with rage and anger and lots of it was actually directed towards me. I felt angry at that asshole, but mostly I was angry at myself for failing where he made it.

Good for him.

The point is that when I went home I felt like crying (which I did) , but as I was sinking into my own self pity something occurred to me. Being sad has become something of an addiction of mine. As if I work against my own interest in order to suffer more. Self defeating attitude if you will.

I don’t want to be like that anymore. I want to be a positive person and not give a damn about those time when I fail. I don’t want to go back to work on monday, look at this girl and feel angry at her. It’s not her fault that she’s a bitch (and she is), but mostly it’s not her fault she chose the better man. If I’ve been bitter and displaying low confidence… well, no wonder she was interested at first, but lost it after a while and never went out with me.

I don’t want this poison in my life anymore. Having to worry if things will work out or not and then be angry and sad when they don’t. This problem has been with me for a long time now, but I never really saw it before. The problem is that it’s still with me. So how do I get rid of it?

And it’s been something that I’ve had on my mind for a long time now. When I was younger I use to be really funny. I made people laugh. Now I still do in a way, but it’s not the same at all. I’ve lost that vibe that made me interesting and fun to be with and you can tell that right away. I’m just not easy going anymore. Maybe it’s because I was bullied in school…
If I could get my hands on that bastard now!!!

Good for you crafty! That’s the way to go.

You guys got skype, Icq?

In skype you can look me up under “Impugned”. I think I’m the only one in the entire network.

What the hell is skype, Icq?? Guess I’m too old school
anymore.

Skype and ICQ are probably the two most famous software applications that help people around the world to connect. It’s kinda like a chat room, but it’s private. It’s alot like what we’re having here only it’s real time (more or less).

Thanks for enlightening me Crafty! I don’t want to end up
being a bitter old man either. It’s hard to break the cycle
when things keep snowballing on you though. Sometimes the
circumstances dictate your luck and other times you can make your own luck. It’s a delicate balance. If the field
is slim there isn’t much you can do. The big challenge is to
find people with similar interests and lifestyles. Meanwhile
I’m still in the outfield. Must be a long inning!

You’re my personal Hero, Hank.

Being ignored is probably the worst thing that could happen to the soul. I feel like a shell of a person. I’m tired of feeling sad because women find me unattractive. I’m tired of it all.

There are people on Earth that made to walk alone. I’m one of them. I just need to accept that. Life is meant to be shared with someone. If I am to be alone, do me the best favor….

I dont believe anyone is meant to be alone. There is no divine cosmic power that decides who will and will not be alone.

So having said that, we must all keep on trying.

I know it’s frustrating to say the least, so are so many things in life, it’s just not fair.

But challenges make us stronger and to be able to face your fears and surmount them is a true accomplishment .

The only thing that keeps me going are my family and friends. Keep on going out, meet new people and try and get your mind off being without a partner.

It’s hard, but no one said that life was going to be easy.

And maybe in the midst of living life, we will all get lucky and meet that person that will complete the puzzle.

I’m the one who pretends like being single is fine and I’ve been doing it a while. I’ve been in love and that ended well(sarcasm) The ones that I want doesn’t want me and the ones that want me are not the ones I’m looking for. I don’t complain about it. This is the first time I’ve ever commented on a blog before. I keep hearing, “be patient, you’ll know when she presents herself, and that I’m lucky.” but all those things don’t amount to anything because the people saying it are with people. I especially can’t stand when girls are in a relationship with a complete tool and are miserable but they”love” him. That doesn’t make a bit of since. I want those things that guy posted way up there and I’m sick of not having them. I’m gonna get off my soap box now

A dear friend of mine met a guy 6 months ago. She called him her boyfriend and was in love with him. I never met him even though I saw her on a daily basis.
We all warned her that he was not that into her, he never took her out or met any of her friends. He was interested in her physically but it was clear to all of us that , that was the extent of his interest.
I warned her against putting too much of herself into this as I knew she took rejection very hard.
She had a messy divorce that left her devastated, as well as two romances that ended up in dissapointment.

I was afraid that this time would be a very bad outcome.

The guy stopped calling her and picking up her calls. He just dropped off the face of the earth with no explanation. She was very depressed, stopped eating, stopped working and couldn’t admit that she needed help.

I saw her on Friday morning , tried to cheer her up to no avail.

She told me she just couldn’t bear the thought of being alone again in life.

I left that day and I just knew things were going to be rough for a while.

She ended up taking her life over the weekend. That is how desperate she was about going through life alone.

It is a natural instinct for humans to be social, we are not built to be loners.

It is so sad when life takes such a horrible turn, that you would rather give up than be alone anymore.

WE all need to remember to be hopeful and lean on each other for friendship when times are tough.

It is horrible feeling alone in the world. People who have partners just don’t understand, so it’s important to find people who have the same experience in life to be able to gain some support.

That’s really tragic Livid. You’re right in what you said.
People have their own way of handling things and some
things are more than they can bear. I’ve been going it alone for quite some time now. It doesn’t get any easier.
I get very depressed some days and wonder if it’s
all worth it and where I’m going to end up. Don’t know
what keeps me going sometimes. I feel fortunate to have
stumbled onto this post to know there are others with
similar troubles. A few years ago a guy I knew committed
suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning. They found him in
his garage in the car with the motor running. He was also
rejected by someone and felt life wasn’t worth the trouble.
Very, very sorry to hear about your friend!

Ditto. That’s terrible, Livid.

But in a way I think things like that can be avoided. It takes just a little effort to let someone down easy rather than break it to them.
I had a girl I was REALLY into, but she just didn’t feel that way (which had alot to do with me being an idiot at the time), but she was very kind and let me know how she felt in a calm and respectful manner. So I only ended up feeling lonely, but at least I wasn’t angry and disappointed in her. If anything, I respect her even more.

But some people are just like that – good. And some are not.

On a global scale it appears that society is really falling apart. Many people around the world seem to suffer from dysmomorphobia – “a fixation on an imaginary flaw in the physical appearance”. In other words – you can’t shake the feeling your ugly. And it’s proven that the major factor for this is the lack of social communication.

I just don’t get it. How can we live in a world that strives to develop all means of communication and yet we get more and more distanced from one another.

Social skills are fast disappearing Crafty. It’s no longer
a requirement to have good ones. Nowadays people break-up
and relay news thru e-mail or texting. You don’t have to look someone in the eye anymore. It’s very convenient. Some
can outright lie and never have to be held accountable for it. Talking heads on tv are telling you that you ain’t shit
unless you have this car or that product or look like some
malnourished model in need of some sun. It’s no wonder our
society is in decline. This is why I only have basic cable!

@livid how old was your friend? i’m sorry about that news.

Sorry to hear about that livid. We aren’t meant to be alone in life, but we can short circuit our brains in dealing with it. You may never have a fully healthy life, but it is better than nothing. I’m just too sensitive I guess.

I am a single woman in her mid thirties and yes, I know a great many attractive, intelligent women in their 30′s who are single. After a while, you give up. Something always happens and “it does not work out”. While a part of me has truly accepted the fact that I may never meet someone, another part longs to share my life with the right guy. To know that there is someone out there thinking of me, wondering how my day is going would be amazing. I know I would not take someone special for granted if had the chance to be with someone who cared about me as much I cared about him. I would treat him with respect and love. I don’t know why it seems so easy for some people and not others. Some women (most) know how to snag a man but I never figured that out. It is some club that you either belong to or don’t. That is the way it feels to me at least.

Just to add to my last comment, I noticed others have said the one’s they are attracted to don’t like them back and those that are attracted to them, there not attracted to. I know that situation well. Once again, how the hell do all these people in coupledom find true love. Do they settle? Do they know of special tricks?? why is it so freakin hard to just find a stupid person you are attracted to like you back and want to make a go of it?? why??? ugh. Ok. I am done.

My condolences on the loss of your friend, Livid. Considering the subject matter here, my question to everyone is would they tell anyone if they are headed down that road? Even here?

The saddest thing, and you all hint at it, is that we are more prone to feel set adrift and lost – - – not less, even with all our technology. Your friend was already set adrift by a divorce, then blown further off course by bad romances. Maybe our focus sometimes should not be on our love lives, which might be hit or miss, but on the social networks that sustain us on a constant basis. Even in times like these.

Yeah, but it doesn’t work that way. You don’t just ignore a HUGE part of your existence and concentrate on another. I dare anyone to go out and last for five minutes without being reminded they’re single.

Even at the comfort of your own home you are constantly poked by the media that single life sucks.
Tarantino’s movies have couples in them for crying out loud. And they are all about gore. What’s left for comedies…

Read a book – you’re single. Look out the window – you’re single. Cook a dinner – you’re single. Go to bed – yeah, you’re still single.

It’s not that we need (I know I don’t) someone to be there with us 24/7, but it would be nice to have someone to share a movie or a dinner with.

And don’t get me wrong. I completely agree with the fact that we focus on this negative outcome way too much, but how do you stop thinking about the only thing that bothers you day in and day out?

In no way did I ever imply to ignore something at the expense of another. I can’t do it. It’s in our wiring.

And you’re right, this world ain’t too geared for singles. I’m sure if I said I cooked a nice dinner, someone would ask me who I had dinner with. If I go somewhere far away, I get funny looks whenever I say that I went alone. And once I’m divorced, I’m sure people will feel really sorry for me and try to cure me of my affliction even though I’m not trying to cure them of theirs. I should try, eh?

As for your question, I wouldn’t try to top thinking about the thing that bothers you. The more we try to deal with things, the more it drives us nuts. I would just choose to play the game . . . . .differently. For me, I chose something else: nowhere does it say that I “have” to date, marry, cohabitate, belong to anyone, or constantly keep myself up as if to always be ready to make the sale. Yes, I feel lonely sometimes or sexually frustrated just like everyone else. And I haven’t shut myself off from women at all. But since I’m not bound by the rules or anyone’s timetable, I don’t feel any pressure, or guilt, or obligation. It’s not an easy freedom, but it is freer than the alternative.

How you choose to play it is your choice. I know just about everyone plays the game we hate, but sometimes you have to play by what you feel is a better way. One of those “red pill/blue pill” questions.

I can only agree with Crafty wholeheartedly.

It is not normal for most healthy well adjusted people to be okay living and going through life alone.

I hate when people say you should be okay with yourself and “forget” about being alone. There is only one word for this and it is “delusional”

It is just a big drag at this point we are approaching a fall and winter holidays, New Year, so forth and the thought of another year alone is so depressing.

Just the thought of that makes me want to scream

It isn’t any fun no matter what time of year it is. I don’t
know how many times I’ve told myself that this is the last
holiday or year I’ll spend alone. Then another one comes
and goes. Reminds me of a song I heard the other day. It’s
from Don Henley called “The Last Worthless Evening”. One
verse said something like “I catch a faint glimpse of love
sometimes, but it never blooms.” When I heard that I thought
that pretty much sums it up for me.

Wow, Hank. I can relate to that!

“This is the last birthday I spend alone. This is the last Christmas I spend alone.” It’s been going on forever. Or at least that’s how it feels.

Last Christmas I was 100% certain that it will be the last one I’ll be alone. I could swear on my life.
But here I am, again single and not an inch further than I was last year.

Aiden:

I can’t agree with you on the “time table” issue.
My ultimate goal is to have a family of my own. And when I say “family” I mean children.

I’ve got a girl friend who’s parents are now in their early 60′s and she’s 23. There is just a huge age difference in between and you can tell. They look like my grandparents.
It’s not very likely they will get to see grandchildren either, which I find sad.

I’m not saying there is a point in life when it’s too late to have children, but with today’s life expectancy, cancer boom and terrible health care, I’m thinking – better early than late.

Of course, those are my priorities so that only applies to me.

PS.

Isn’t there a purple combo pill?

I think in the end, Crafty, the pill is various shades of purple. Some darker than others.

Hiya, I just wanted to say I’m in the same boat.

How does it feel when you meet someone and realize that you and that person are not interested in each other? How does it feel to meet someone that you are interested in and call them only to have them ignore you? How does it feel to meet a person that you know for a fact you two would make a decent match only to have them act arrogant and know in their mind they could do so much better? If you ball all of these separate feelings up, that is where I am right now.

I met this girl, average looking, who said she was dying to meet a “nice guy” (c’mon guys…I know what you’re thinking) We talking, she seemed interested, and then ….nothing. Thats it. I’m done. I’ve canceled my profile on eharm, I’m packing it in. There is only so much pain a man can take before he loses his mind and does something stupid. I just want to feel again. i just want to feel a warm body against mine instead of a cold bed. I just want to know that someone cares for me. Do I understand now why men go to prostitutes? Unfortunately yes. I am saddened to say that I will probably be going down that road. Again….I am pathetic.

Hey Crafty,

For women especially it is important to plan your life out to some degree.

I got married young because I was afraid of not finding someone who would want the same things as me. eg. a committed relationship, kids, so forth.

So I sort of settled. I had my kids and my marriage was ok for a while, but because I married the guy I thought would be a good provider, loyal ect. I overlooked the most important thing…chemistry.

I jumped because I wasn’t sure anyone else would come along. I got divorced because I wanted to be in love.

I still havn’t found that bond with anyone and it has been 5 years.

So what would have happened if I had held out for this in my early 20′s.

Who knows, maybe I would have found eternal happiness with someone or I may never have met “the one”

In any rate I have my kids and a financial security in a divorce settlement.

So am I better off or not?

Who knows, the only thing I know is that it is so very difficult to find the combination of mutual attraction, committment and common needs.

It’s like finding a four leaf clover.

Jimmy the Saint, Here’s a tip for ya. She’s dying to meet a
“Nice Guy”. TRANSLATION – She’s looking to meet a guy who
makes at least $100,000.00 a year and drives a new BMW!
My advice is to stay away from those dating sites. They’re
nothing but trouble.

Jimmy, the fact is that you never know what is in a person’s mind. They could really like you as they claim, or they could be hanging on to you until something better comes along.

There are ways to tell if she is into you, if you like I can pass along some info.

In the meantime, just hang in there!

I’m all ears livid…However, it really doesn’t matter because people tend to overlook everything and focus on the superficial stuff.

Yes Jimmy you are somewhat right, however, if there is someone like yourself there may just be a female of the same ilk somewhere out there.

The challenge is finding her.

Yes Jimmy you are somewhat right, however, if there is someone like yourself there may just be a female of the same ilk somewhere out there.

The challenge is finding her.

But the odds of that are… oh, I don’t… 1:10,000,001?

I know hat’s the part that sucks!!!!

Screw it. Stay alone. People will eventually leave anyway. Don’t let them get close, that’s when you get hurt.

I’m sitting here on a Sunday morning reading these posts and feeling somewhat comforted – thank you.

As a 33-year-old single woman I’ve all but given up hope. I too feel crushed, unloved, and increasingly unworthy.

It’s hard not to take singledom personally when you continue to be rejected (or used) and the world points a finger at you.

For me, the hardest part is people assuming that I want to be single, that I’m a cold career woman who prides material items over family. Guess what? I don’t. I would give anything to have a family but it hasn’t worked out that way. I work not because I’m a career woman but because I don’t want to live on the street.

The other thing I find odd is that people tell me not to be picky with men – and yet, I’m not. It’s the men who only want to have “fun” with me, the men who don’t want to commit, the men who pretend they want a relationship with me to have their “fun” and then tell me they were never in it for a relationship all along.

I’ve been single for five years now, and I put myself out there, but just can’t seem to meet anyone who genuinely wants me. Much to my shame, I’m beginning to feel like I’m only good for one thing with men, and let’s face it; I may as well be a blow-up doll.

I haven’t had sex for a year now, and I ache for a touch, a cuddle, to wake up in a man’s arms. And yet the funny thing is married men at work assume that I must be sexually rampant, and try to come onto me, while married women assume that I sleep around, too. Why? Why do people think that? Why do they think that I’m still single because I like to have “fun” with different men?

Ever since I was 21 I’ve wanted to be a mother and wife. Seeing my dream slowly fading away is killing me. The media tell me I’m worthless as I’m over 30, that my looks are fading, that I’m a cold career woman. Married women don’t invite me to social events, or ask about my life, or include me in conversations about relationships (as if I can’t contribute to them because I’m single.) Relatives have stopped asking me if I’ve met anyone, and just nod silently when I tell them I still live alone.

I feel like an outcast, a pariah, but also as someone viewed suspiciously, or as prey. When I talk to men at work they think that I’m coming onto them, I have often considered wearing a wedding ring as it might afford me some more respect. Married men flirt with me too, and get huffy if I don’t flirt back. Worse, they make it a point to mention their wife and children immediately when I talk to them, so I can’t even have a conversation with them as a human being. Newsflash: I am not, and never will be, open to a married man or a man in a relationship.

Yesterday I walked down a crowded, hip, urban street and ended up in floods of tears. I just couldn’t take it any more: couples eating, laughing, sharing, being and me walking along by myself with no particular aim and certainly no sharing. Men looked at me appreciatively and their partner’s gave me mean looks, which just made me feel worse.

What the hell is wrong with me that I can’t find a man to want to get to know me? I’m honestly starting to think that if a woman hasn’t found a partner in her twenties, she’s doomed to be nothing but a “fun” diversion. I fear that many men have contempt for women in their thirties, like we are indeed faulty goods, on the shelf, and that there’s something wrong with us.

I travel, volunteer, work hard, love my family, do art, and all that jazz, but I never meet anyone who wants to know me. I cry most nights now, and realised yesterday that I seldom smile any more. I hate the weekends, when I have no distraction from my aloneness, and I avoid going places where happy families reside. I used to go out by myself a lot but now I do so less and less: it’s a paradox, because I have to go out to meet someone, but I can’t face it any more, the vulnerable feelings, the looks (real and imagined), the coming home and crumpling in a lonely heap in bed.

Society tells people that it’s wrong to feel lonely, that we should learn to love our independence, and that no one will love us if we can’t love our own company. But I find many of the people who say this have never lived alone for a long time, never dealt with the crushing judgements of others on women who are single post-30 (it’s nothing like being single in your twenties) and who often haven’t been single for years.

We have sympathy for old people who live alone, isolated and marginalised by society: why not reluctantly single people, too? Or is it too uncomfortable to realise that we don’t have as much control over our lives as we would like to?

Hey Lonelygirl,

Let me start off by saying you give men too much credit. We’re idiots.
In my opinion, on every twenty men you meet only one might actually be worth your time. So don’t blame it one those poor souls who are bored out of their minds with their false marriages and look for some fun. They don’t know any better.

I completely agree with what you said there. Being told that we should love ourselves the way we are. What a load of crap. It just doesn’t work that way at all.
When you’re alone, you’re alone – period. Sure, you still get to have happy times, but no matter how many those are, you start thinking how nice it would be to have someone to share those with.

And I don’t know about you guys, but I’m programmed to think that every morning is a new start. I got problems in the evening, I’m tired, I’m disappointed or I’m ill. No matter what it is, when I wake up, it’s gone and I feel better. But being single doesn’t get “healed” by a good night sleep. You go to bed single and you wake up single. And eventually that cycle makes you believe that you’ll always be single in the mornings, which develops a complexity and depression as deep as the mariana trench.

So you can’t deal with the problem, you can’t fight the problem, you can’t ignore the problem and you sure as hell can’t forget the problem. You’re just stuck with it for life.

Lonelygirl,

Thank you for the eloquent post. Godspeed.

From,

A man who is dying to meet someone like you.

Well said everyone, especially Lonely Girl, I agree with you that it is in your twenties when you meet your mate. The reason for this is that at that age people are not yet jaded and dissallusioned.

They are open and a bit naive so they “meaning the men” are not quite yet arrogant and full of themselves enough to be players so they actually settle down with a woman, it is at least a few years before they start to cheat.

I dont know what the answer is but people do hook up later in life.

Hang in there, you just never know

They say it gets easier the older you get. Don’t think so!
Just to add to the confusion a friend of mine told me his
marriage is falling apart after 10 years. Says I have it
made. I told him I was sorry to hear that news and I never
would have guessed it. I don’t know what’s up or down
anymore. This leaves me wondering if anyone is actually
happy together and what the chances are of finding a mate
that really has mutual feelings toward me.

Guys are also judged to be somewhat “Different” if they
are older and never married, although not maybe as harshly.
Surely we must be gay or a real freak. You can tell what they’re thinking. I gave up trying to explain my reasons.
I’m not ready to give up but the options are fewer and fewer.

Hi All,

I got off a dating site, this evening, that I’m subscribed to and checked for replies to messages which I sent to some of the ladies who interested me. As usual, no replies…….

Feeling down, I Googled, “Tired of being alone”. So, here I am. After reading many of your comments I don’t feel so “alone” in my journey through life.

I have to tell you that I’m probably much older than most of you here. I turned 57 in July. I’ve been divorced since ’83. Dated here and there……etc. I’m about to retire from my job after 30 years working in manufacturing.

I’ve easily been on a few hundred dates since my divorce. I’ve had a few relationships that lasted for awhile. LOTS of terrible dates. That’s how it goes for some people I guess. Many times, I could have settled for less and could have remarried. I just can’t lie to myself and do that. It’s not fair to myself, or the other person. I want a lifelong relationship…….nothing less.

So, here comes the rest of the story…..

About two years ago, I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. WOW !!! did that change the dating outlook. I was actually told by women, many times, that I should have told them…..ahead of time……about my Parkinso’s issue. Who else, on their on-line profiles, states what their health issues are ???

So I’m dealing with Parkinson’s and having women tell me about my bleak future. So, there’s been many pauses, in my dating, while I’ve regrouped and rethought my future plans.

Ya know what ? I don’t care. If my date doesn’t have an issue with my PD…..then neither do I. I’m out there dating and still looking for that special lady who makes my heart melt. No doubt that I WILL find her.

I REFUSE TO GIVE UP !!!!!!!

Keep a positive attitude, eat well, join a gym, keep a positive attitude and keep plugging. That special person IS out there. Trust me. The worst thing you can do is sit home and start feeling sorry for yourself. Life is excellent. So, get off your ass and go for it…..alone or with that special person.

“life Is Not a Destination, But a Journey”

God only helps those who helps themselves.

Be well and good luck,

Paul

Thank you, Paul.

Sometimes we all just need a kick in the ass.

Godspeed.

Talk about that kick…

Today I was offered a new job position by an old friend of mine. We’ve known each other for over ten years now and he said that I was the only man he could trust with this.

He’s trying to start a new business here and next month he’ll be taking a course which will last a bit over a month and he wants me to go with him. All expenses covered.

The tricky part is that we’re talking about China! Only yesterday I was thinking how most of the people I know have traveled around the world and I haven’t been anywhere and now China.

I’m not exactly social person and the job that I have right now – although not so well paid – is quite good, but to be honest, it’s a dead end. I’ll never be more than I am right now. In the best possible scenario, I’ll get a few raises and that’s it.

On the other hand, if I do this, if I go to China, I’ll have a chance to climb the social ladder quite a bit. And this is not a scam. My friend is 24 and he’s working with his father who made an extremely successful company out of thin air. So I know that this is very very likely to work. After all, nothing in this life is certain.

But for the first time in my life I can not make a decision. Do I stay where I am right now and have a somewhat stress free life and a mediocre job or do I jump legs first and risk everything I have for the hope of something better. It’s a really tough call. And since you guys have been so helpful, I was hoping you could shed some light on this. It feels like I am at a crossroads and there won’t ever be turning back. The decision I make right now is going to be final. No refund, no second chance.

I know this is not actually related to dating, but one thing is certain – I sure as hell am not thinking about women right now… which is quite damn refreshing if I do say so myself.

Go!!! Yes, go!!!

As a Navy guy who has traveled to tons of places and had many adventures, I’m telling you to give it a go. And you’re young, so the time is right. When college did not work out for me, I was afraid I would be stuck where I was and was afraid of the future. And when I signed up months later, I was more afraid of leaving, as you are now, for the unknown. And in boot camp, as I was being yelled at and humiliated and run ragged, I kept thinking “What the fuck have I done?” In retrospect, leaping without looking like I did was the best thing that ever happened. That’s when everything started to move forward in big ways. It was tough in the beginning but one gets the hang of it. Of being the new guy, having to learn new things, meet new people, think differenntly than before. And it’s invigorating.

Sometimes, it starts with just one change. Then it snowballs. Be brave, Crafty, and good luck.

Crafty,

What’s your gut feeling telling you ? Your gut feeling is usually right. Or, take a piece of paper, draw a line down the middle……the first row will be labeled “”Pros” and the second row labeled “Cons”. Be honest with yourself and list them all. This sometimes helps me see the matter at hand a little clearer.

Good luck,

Paul

Go for it Crafty. You can always come back if it doesn’t work out. You said it was a dead end job anyway. You’re
young enough to try things and it seems like you don’t have
many strings attached to you. At the very least you’ll get
to do some major traveling. Who knows what doors will open up for you. In the end though, you have to feel good about
your decision. Paul had a good idea about weighing the pros and cons. Best of luck to you whatever you decide pal!

Crafty,

Only one thing to say

GO GO GO!!!!!!!

Thank you for your attention.

I still can’t make up my mind and I have to make a decision by the end of the week.

Got a great job here, but even if I work for ten years I’d never be more than I am right now.

If I got for China and risk it,I’ll be head of department and possibly get good promotions every now and then. The huge minus is that I’ll no longer be in a team of people in their mid 20′s. Everyone there is 50+ which means I’ll have to go back talking to myself again. The job is nowhere near as cool as the one I’m doing now, but it’s not that bad either.

Bah!

I’ll flip a coin for it I guess.

Thanks again for being so supportive.

Crafty, where do you live at the moment?

Maybe a change of scene is what you need at the moment, you never know who you could meet.

I would not hesitate to take a chance, what’s the worst, you will see the other part of the world, meet new people and if all else fails come back home.

All the best, hope you find some adventure and happiness

I say go for it Crafty, but to experience the feeling, rather than thinking what if? But only deep down in your heart if feel it;s the right decision.

What ifs are really annoying lol.

Was meant to say “better” instead of “but” in the first line. Whoops lol!

It’s kinda sad, well I am the sad one. I was in a relationship with a girl that I truly loved, and spent the ever so much time with her. Granted that we were together from 9th to 12th grade. We spend every day together till the end of the relationship. She fell for one of my friends, and i knew about it. She wanted an open relationship, and because i was so confused i said okay. Hoping to see if she would see that he wasn’t the one and i was. This didn’t happen. We fell apart slowly and painfully. It has almost been 3 years now. I feel over it, and i believe i’m over it. But i can’t stand to face a girl i like. I can have a conversation, but i notice that i’m only agreeing with her, and just doing my best to make her happy and side with her. Yet, i can’t get the the guts to explain to her that i like her, or even hint it. It’s not like i’m scared of commitment, i crave commitment. Everything you’ve said zack, is beyond true, and i feel it. Even though you obviously sound a lot older and more mature than i, i am tired of it too. i don’t care that i’m still young at the age of 20. i’m going nuts being alone. i’m so tired and depressed all the time because of it. and the longer i wait, the longer i’m alone, the harder it gets to face this annoying challenge. i’m very scared that i’m going to be like this for even a lot more years to come, and more so, the rest of my life. i just want someone to hold at night and enjoy the same things i do. but i can’t get myself to find that “one” and do anything about it. and it sucks.

Good luck in whatever decision you make Crafty!

P.S. Not ALL people over 50 are boring! TRUST ME!

Hi Lonelygirl,

Your story is almost exactly the same as mine. I too am 33 and have been single five years now and I too find myself terribly down about my single status. Early on after I became single, I realised that:

a) it was hard to be friends with other single women because they view me as a threat to men they are pursuing

b) being friends with coupled women is also hard because they think i’ll hit on their husbands (i won’t)

c) being friends with single men is impossible — they think i’m hitting on them

d) being friends with married men is also impossible — they hit on me.

Obviously these are generalizations, but it is basically the case in most situations I encounter.

I don’t mind my Mon-Fri life so much, but my weekend life is abysmal. The friends I do have have children and husbands (or wives) to spend time with, and because I do not really have any family, I am usually alone for whole weekends at a time. I’m told I’m pretty, and I’m actually one of the more popular people in my industry, but nevertheless…I am alone. The last man I dated felt like “the one” but after three months together he suddenly stopped talking to me for no reason. I found out later he’s done that to a number of women in the past. He’s emotionally unavailable and after three months, when things started to get just a wee bit more “serious” he bailed. It is two months later and I still feel sideswiped. Maintaining my dignity and trying to get on my feet again to try romance yet ANOTHER time is wearing me right out.

I have no answers for you. I think some people are just lucky and others…aren’t.

Godspeed,
Down.

Hey, down,

I hear you.

No healthy well adjusted person wants to be alone.

People who run from attachment are seriously disturbed.

Eg, the Unibomber, he was good on his own.

So hang in there even though it is hard and discouraging.

You are a perfectly normal individual who is just looking for the same things as are the rest of us normals.

Don’t let the rest of the effed up people get you down.

The problem, Livid,is that there are so many F’d up people
out there.

I’m 25 years old and single. I know that doesn’t sound like a big deal on paper, but I’m honestly starting to think that I’ll never meet “the one”. 99% of the time, I’m able to find other things to distract my time – school (I’m a law student), friends, family, hobbies – but every few months, I just get incredibly sad and lonely. I try to tell myself that I don’t need a guy in my life, that if I keep my eye on the ball, I’ll become a successful career woman and will be content that way, but the truth is, I’ve wanted to find love since I was a little girl and I can’t truly talk myself out of wanting it. Even with my own friends, I feel like I have to act like I don’t mind being single, but the truth is that I do mind, and I’m so tired of being alone. I try to tell myself that one can’t have everything in life, and because I’ve been blessed with a great family, friends and being smart, I can’t expect to have it all – but then I look around and see people around me who really seem to have it all and I wonder why I can’t have it all too. The truth is that I can’t seem to meet anyone who I connect with. Maybe there’s just something wrong with me and maybe not everyone’s meant to find true love.

Yes Hank you are so right.

Unfortunately, we have to deal with the reality of the situation, so what do we have?

We have to make the best of it.

It’s just another part of life for people like us, Livid.
A life that is getting harder and harder in general. These
days it’s tough enough trying to make a living. Looking for
someone to share my life with may have to go on the back burner for a while. Hell, I’m tired of beating myself over
the head about not meeting someone anyway!

It just seems that you get so close to a chance , maybe even meeting someone who seems to be interested, and then just poof it seems to fizzle.

I don’t get it.

Chances don’t come down the line nearly as much these days,
so there may be a tendency to read too much into something
that looks like a possibility. At least that’s my take on it. Fizzle seems like an understatement sometimes.

I think you may be right Hank, we are so starved for a connection that we may put too much on a shallow false start.

I am a bit more serious and deep thinking type of person, my whole life I have been known as the “serious” girl.

Most of my life was spent watching other girls dance on bars with their tops off yelling “Whoo Hoo”

I just wanted to sit and have a meaningful conversation with someone, that is
MY idea of FUN.

When you are different than the average person out there it makes life a whole lot more challenging to say the least.

I am a forty two year old woman who has had two crummy marriages. One was a cheater, the other was a drug user. I know they both did me a favor by letting me go but…it still ripped my heart out. I have never cheated on any man and I have definitely not used drugs or been called a drug addict
in my life. I have tried to walk the straight line, be a good person, wife, mother and friend. Yet, I always wind up getting used up, abused, disrespected and beat down. I have been single for a couple of years now and I just don’t know where else to turn. Tried the dating sites…disaster.
Where are all the good guys?????

I’m a 20 year old guy. Most people on here would probably think that you’re so young you have plenty of time to find “the one,” but that doesn’t stop the fact that we all get lonely.

I think i’m a good catch, but I never been in a long term relationship, I had relationships that lasted a month or two. I’ve said I love you before, but I don’t think I truely ever meant those words… I don’t think im the best looking guy, but I don’t think i’m disgusting either.. I dress nice, i’m slim with a pretty good body. I think I have a great personality, i’m funny and i’m the sarcastic kind of funny that the girls seem to love, but it’s not over done. I’m confident on the outside, but sometimes I get down about not ever being in a long relationship. Especially with all the peer pressure about having to be with somebody to “be cool…” It really seems like girls can be average and still attract good looking guys, while average guys attract average or below average girls.

I met this girl in college that seems real friendly. I don’t know if shes interested in anything more than just friends though. I wish all girls would hold up signs that said if they would be interested in going out with you. You girls make it really hard for guys to know who is or who isn’t in their league.

I have a lot of friends, some with children, some with partners, some without children, none are married yet thank god, but still always dreamed of marriage first, now I am thinking should I just put up with the bastard and have a kid because I cannot imagine my life without children,
Is it the better the devil you know??
I have joined the gym, started belly dancing, enrolled on an evening jewellery making class, attend two churches on a Sunday and go swimming lol at another leisure centre. I am going Egypt in three weeks for my bday so I am just trying to keep busy. Even with all this I still find time to cry and dread being alone. One of the worse for me is when I am sick having no one to pamper or look after me, make me tea, lemsip, massage my feet, back massages, sweet kisses, someone to worry about me…..

Hey Shania, I know what you mean. All I do is try and keep myself busy with things so I don’t spend time alone.

When I am alone with nothing to do I start thinking, and that sinking feeling comes over.

It is a very empty feeling, like when you have friends over and you are so happy and then it is time for everyone to go home and you end up going home after having fun to another night alone in an empty house. Only to wake up in the same quiet empty house.

This goes on for days, weeks, months and years.

It wears on your mind like being in isolation.

We are not meant to be alone.

Lonliness does strange things to your brain.

Try and talk to your close friends about your feelings, don’t bottle it up.

The more you release the less stress.

Anyway try and keep positive, and good luck.

I totally understand u man. im feeling the same way. i like going out and stuff, and im not an attention whore, but i see every one of my friends with a girl, or someone they are at least sleeping with, and it sucks, cuz i feel like the third wheel. Im attractive, but not the best looking guy in the bar. I dress quite well and look successful. I believe my personality is a great one, I entertain the people i surround myself with, but sometimes the clown isnt happy sometimes. ive been single for a year now. i had a pretty bad break up with my last girlfriend, and the way i took it was not so well. i hooked up with a girl the same night me and her broke up. i dont want one night stands like i used to, i just want someone i can be with. going to bars and stuff is a bad way to look for someone, but ive looked every where else, and theres nothing. maybe my game is off, or maybe im just ugly, who knows, but it doesnt seem to make senses, cuz im very confident. im pretty confident enough to tell what i dont like about someone, but is that not enough? what do women really look for? its very hard to understand, and its fucking with my head being so alone. its so bad sometimes it messes with my self esteem, off and on, and i hate that. i dont wanna come off as desperate to be with someone, but sometimes it would be great to actually have someone i can at least talk to, chill with, and just watch a movie and spend quality time, instead of going to bars and getting completely trashed just to cope with everyday stress and things on my mind such as this. i completely feel u on this one man. im just ready to find someone i can have feelings for, and not lust over them.

Tonight I googled “tired of being single”…and came across your article. you said it perfectly. good to know someone else understands. Sucks to be single in married land.

Wes, for what it’s worth, here’s a little piece of advice
from somebody that’s been there. Look someplace other than
the bars!

It hardly seems to matter where you “look”, it just seems that is is up to the luck of the draw.

I have met guys everywhere, bars, parties, restaurants, sporting events, peoples houses, through friends, ect……

It has mostly been the same result, absolutly nothing!

Things may start off but the elements that are needed for mutual attraction are usual absent.

So it just seems that it is not the place but the person you are encountering.

Hey guys… Thought I should leave a few cents of cynicisim.

I had a girlfriend back in highschool. Dated her for 3 years, then got dumped. I’ve been tainted ever since and get called sexist by my friends on a regular basis even though I don’t really think I am. It’s been three years now, and I’ve always wondered… Maybe all the single people are just single because they’re unattractive?

I’ll never truly know if girls just pass me up because I don’t have the ‘goods’. :/

Well, I guess I’m not the only one who Googled “I’m tired of being alone.” I am in the same boat as several of you who replied, I am lonely. I have had relationships in the past that didn’t work out, and then all of the sudden, it seems as if the well has run dry. Many of my friends are now married, or in serious relationships. I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about how much I miss having that special girl in my life. I have always wanted to get married, have children, and have the perfect live. Now, I’m wondering if it will ever happen. I’ve come to realize that I have a serious confidence issue. I would tell myself in the past “I don’t know if I would be a good catch because I don’t have my own house or I don’t make enough money.” But I think I may have really crushed my self-confidence by thinking that for so long. I don’t have an excuse now because I make a decent living, I own my house, cars, etc. Now I’m 31 years old and it’s been so long since I’ve been on a date, I can barely remember it. I just wanted to write this here to get it off my chest.

I too am tired of being alone. I was very surprised of how closely the original thread fits. Having bad luck sucks. I’m stuck on the wrong side of the world for another 6 months; after that I really hope I meet somebody that I can make happy.

Good luck to all of us.

first and foremost, CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL. You idiots, stop writing in caps lock, your just being bossy and childish. Reminds me of some slut bag whore i never wanted to know. As for the post… I am single myself, and going through this too. Loneliness seems to be a bad friend at most times. I really hope all of you including myself will find someone to make you happy. No one deserves to be alone. Its hard to even make friends these days, especially online, because the medium is overrun by spam bots. Well, my asl: 22/m/ca and if anyone can relate or wants a friend.. its a long shot, but yosefshaltiel@gmail.com there you go.

I have already posted something here. I posted something when I was 19 and it is now a year later. I know I am young but this bothers me. I started school in my teens and I now have a college degree and I am in my career at 20. Most people say Im too young to be concerned with finding someone but I am not like my peers. I dont want to sit around and drink every night and act like an idiot.I do have girlfriends that are amazing and sometimes I feel thats all I may need, until everyone else is going on dates and cuddled up with their lovers and Im alone. I would like to get off of work and be excited about coming home to someone.I am tired of hearing about how “successful” and how “gorgeous” I am. Then why is it so hard for me to find someone? Im not trying to be mean but I feel like I am surrounded about douchebags who dont do anything with their lives and the only way I will ever find someone is if I move but I cant keep moving around. I have moved 4 times in the last 2 years. This is suppose to be an aspect of my life but this issue controls my anxiety and its something I think about everyday all day.What people dont understand is that I dont have anything else to work towards. Im already done with school and Im moving up in my career. I want to start something special with someone soon.Going out and being “young” is not going to do it for me.It never will.

It truely sucks most of the time. I’m fourty now, was married once so I know how good it can be, these days I’ve pretty well reisgned myself to this lifestyle. Quit sleeping in the bed a few years ago, just too big of a reminder of whats missing in life(not the sex so much as the personal intimacy, you know)…been sleeping on couch these days. It’s really hard to meet anyone, working long hours, live in a smaller town, pretty well know everyone already. Just have to wonder if this is truely how life was meant to be lived. Ussually I just try to count all my blessings, I have a job, a house, money in the bank, eat alone but I do get to eat (more than some others do), really its all about perspective. It’s just that the perspectve someday is better than others.

I’m just tired. Never been married. I’ve always taken care of myself. Never met that someone to spend the rest of my life with. I work, I contribute to the community as best I can. I come home. Then get up and do it again. I try and make my dreams come true. And when I do, it just feels incomplete. I Fought cancer and won on my own. Even worked through half of that. I have friends but still feel alone. I have family and still feel alone. I’m 46 years old and still looking for something. As a song said .. “everytime I held a rose, it seems I only felt the thorns” Thats my life

These stories seems so common, I don’t get it. It seems that there are alot of us out there, yet no one has been able to find a like minded person.

What are we just passing each other by in life?

It seems I meet so many guys only to find out they are not available for whatever reason.

I have met some I would settle down with but they were not on the same page.

So where are all these people that are looking for partners.

I really have not in 5 years come across someone who really wanted a committed relationship.

So where in the world are all of us?????

Lucy, I can’t imagine how tough it is to battle cancer and
win,but I can relate to everything else you’ve said. I’ve never been married either. The longer it goes the harder it gets. I sometimes wonder if this is my destiny and that maybe I should just make myself at peace with the fact that I’ll most likely always be alone.

Sadly, people nowadays don’t want the responsibility a relationship seems to bring. Yet, they want all the perks. That’s why most relationships flame out after about three months. Now, people are even trying to cuddle after one night stands. And the boldness of trying to go after someone has been sucked out; relationships have become more rehearsed than Broadway plays! But we should still hold out for something meaningful and accept no less. And slow things down to where maybe, just maybe, people may be forced to romance or seduce us with something other than the perceived promise of sex. Might take longer, but the good stuff usually does.

When I look back at my parents generation couples seemed
to stay together through thick and thin.These days people
separate quicker than oil and water. It’s hard to take anyone seriously anymore, or am I just too skeptical?

Hank.. I’m with ya there. The longer it goes, I do feel its my destiny to be alone as well. Why? I haven’t a clue. I look back at my grandparents, they were married for 70 years. I can’t imagine that. My parents were married for over 40 years before my dad passed. It’s sad people don’t understand what “committment” is.

And Aiden your right, no one wants the responsiblity or the work that goes into a relationship. If it gets tough they get going. Society makes it harder for folks to understand the committment. I guess I would rather be alone than settle for something that isn’t complete for me.

Another frustration is I know quite a few really great guys, some that I would love to date and others not so much, but they all have one thing in common

They are loyal, sweet, considerate men who have hooked up with complete witches.

Abusive, neglectful, lazy, selfish and not even gorgeous.

And yet the men don’t leave.

There are so many decent women who would give anything to have a great guy like this, and the bitches still get them.

What gives???

Can any of you guys out there explain this, please?????

Livid, those qualities you described in a man can also be a dual-edged sword. The very same qualities also means a man may put up with more than they reasonably should either out of a sense of obligation (loyalty), not wanting to inflict pain on their beloved (sweetness), or out of some misplaced understanding borne out of “psychologizing” somebodies flaws (consideration). And chances are, they weren’t bitches when they met those guys, either, because everyone puts their best foot forward at first. With these guys, it may take a lot to make them see beyond their reasoning.

This might sound fucked up and lacking of sense, but that’s because what people get emotional over can’t make sense.

Thanks Alden,

That makes sense, I usually go out with more of an Alpha male type, and let me tell you they do not take any bullshit whatsoever.

Thanks for the insight.

Cushy carpets get walked on;)

I’m not one to take much bullshit either. Maybe that’s why I’m not attached. My theory as to why people stay in bad
relationships is simply that they’re afraid they won’t find
anyone else. They can’t bear to go it alone. Giving it your
best shot to make a relationship work is one thing, getting
shit on is another matter. Sometimes you’re the last one to see what needs to be done as was the case in my last real relationship. I knew what was wrong, I just didn’t want to
believe it. Even though it hurt at the time I’m glad I
didn’t compromise my beliefs and cave in to her. Yeah, it’s
lonely, but the wrong person can also be a living hell!

has anyone tried things like praying for love, or law of attraction, or any other “new age” methods to make their dreams come true? obviously all of us on this thread aren’t having success, but maybe we do know some success stories??

All that praying and channelling stuff is pure hogwash, so for example, if I “secretly pray” for David Beckham to leave his wife for me do you think it might work?

Livid,

What exactly is the alpha male in your eyes?

I’m expecting a call from Jennifer Anniston any day now!

An alpha male is usually a dominant type of personality, usually motivated to succses. They are leaders not followers they tend to be aggressive and competitive.

An example would be someone like Donald Trump.

Conversly they are not very sensitive or nurturing, they tend to be no nonsense.

This on the one hand is great, they are powerful and succssesful but not very emotionally giving.

It is very difficult to change them or to expect any of these types to be very empathetic, as a result as a woman in their lives you can’t expect a warm fuzzy sweet guy.

I tend to be attracted to the strength of these men, but when push comes to shove they tend to dominate me as well.

There is a tendency to be arrogant and this ultimately leads to trouble in the relationship.

The only way to maintain a relationship with an alpha is to not require the things they lack.

I realize that this is not for me.

Much like buying a cell phone it is a matter of balance of features and what you can afford to pay. We want a passionate person but that also means they can be also be passionately mad or sad. We want equality and understanding but also want someone who knows when to take the reins or use a stronger touch. We want a strong person who knows when to yield, and a sweet person who can bare their teeth. And we want someone who can love with reckless abandon yet ground it in responsibility. And all these features may take time to find, or an update, or a few bad ones before the perfect model comes out. The alternative is a crappy model with poor signals and dropped calls;)

When it comes right down to it, people,both men and women,
tend to think they can change someone’s traits over time.
And when that doesn’t happen the relationship starts to go
in a downward spiral. It all comes back to how much one is
willing to put up with in most circumstances. In the early
stages of a relationship one can be fooled into thinking
that the other person is something that they aren’t. It
happened to me. She didn’t show her true colors right away,
but boy did they come out eventually. It may sound as if I
have a chip on my shoulder but I’ll approach my next
relationship,if there is one, with caution! Experience is
still the best teacher. Of course this is a lesson I still
haven’t quite learned.

I would be happy to work with someones flaws. I am not perfect but neither am I damaged.

I just want a stable committed relationship.

I have not met a man who is willing to step up to the plate yet.

It seems they all just want to go from woman to woman.

The frustration level is huge at this point.

It’s that “Grass is Greener” mentality, Livid. Does anybody ever come to the conclusion that if the grass is always greener then nothing can ever be great or good enough?

Things get complicated for people when you insert the words like “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” or “relationship”. I honestly just want a mutual connection with someone that is more comforting than a friend.No rush for anything.I recently had a hard time getting over someone that wasnt even considered to my standards. I dont think it was the person that was getting to me, it was the fact that they were the best available.Im only 20 and I felt like I have been dealing with this too long. I cant not go on with it. I cant.

Patience, Moni, patience. Keep your mind open. Some travel beyond your borders and more experiences and yOu’ll see differently. There are interesting people everywhere to connect to.

HELP!!!!!!

This is the icing on the cake. I met a guy about a year ago, we have been out several times. He never really took it past casual dating, so I just assumed he wasn’t that into me.

Well last night he called me, he wanted to talk so I went over to his place, he sat me on the sofa and told me he wanted to get to know me on the next level.

I thought ok, this sounds good. He then proceeded to tell me his “rules”, which is the following……

No sex in a bed, and no sleeping together.

So I said “let me get this straight” sex is ok, just not in a bed and there is no sharing a bed or a room together?????

He just broke up with a girl after 3 years, she slept on one floor and he on another, vacations were spent in separate rooms.

I don’t know about you guys but I ran out of there, could’nt get out fast enough.

Why can I not seem to me a well adjusted man?????

Well, livid, you made up for the mistake of giving him the time o day again by getting out of that situation fast. You have to trust your instincts: there was a reason you let it die before. Don’t wake up dead stuff: even in the movies that’s bad juju!!!
WTF was that all about?
Now, before I even give you an answer, here’s a question. Where have you met the last few guys you have been interested in? And how gradual do you proceed?
It’s not always that guys are not well adjusted, let’s not psychologize things too much, livid. Some people are just fucked up like that. They will see what stupidity you can tolerate, it will break you down in the process and by the time you realize it, your sense of self worth has gone down the toilet and you look for excuses to stay even longer. Meanwhile, they get what they want and give you nothing. You end emotionally and sexually bankrupt. What he asked you for would have been just the beginning.

Thanks for your comment, Alden Sabine, I fully agree with you, the bullshit from that dude would have been endless.

I don’t believe a healthy person would want to manipulate people like that.

I have met guys everywhere, this last nutjob was through a friend at a birthday party.

He seemed perfectly fine, good looking, successful, pleasant demeanor.

But as soon as you dig beneath the surface the freakshow revealed itself.

Funny, I was gonna ask if you have used your friends for referrals. Scratch that.
Don’t lose your head, Livid. What haven’t you tried?

Tried it all, believe me. I don’t think it’s where you meet people it’s the people you meet.

It’s just the majority especially the older ones have a lot of damage.

Not a lot of velveteen rabbits out there.

The older ones have been through a divorce or two, a child or so, and the bad dates are now sad AND funny. The young ones think they have so much time that they’ll dump people for dumb reasons, take them back, and repeat. As long as we know that we are all damaged to a degree, we’ll shrug our shoulders and keep on keeping on;)

Either I’m extremely clueless or livid is one of the unluckiest girls ever.
Over the course of my membership-ness-ness here I’ve counted more than 6-7 guys you talked about and they’ve all turned out to be jackasses.

I’m being general here, but are things really that bad on the dating scene?!

Cause if I’m doing the math right, I should be meeting approximately 2 people a week in order to date someone worthwhile by the time I hit 30.

2 people a week would make you quite the commitment-phobe, crafty . . . . LOL;)

I’m 21, haven’t been on a date in 4+ years, have no female friends except for one who’s married, and live in an area where there are no social gatherings whatsoever to socialize. I like Philosophy, conversation and deep meaning, and other than myself and the Internet, have never met a person who shares equal interest. The last girl I was ever involved with cheated on me, and is now married. I’m healthy and attractive, and really don’t understand why my life is this unlucky. It’s impossible to avoid, and everything I’ve tried to do has turned out negatively.

I have no job, I got laid off. There’s no work around here. The loneliness I feel is unbearable, and I often wonder why my life is even worth living, if only to spare my family the pain of dealing with my suicide. I’m unable to attend college, and have no particular skills to succeed far materially.

I’ve never even received a look, a glance, or anything remotely close to interest from another woman. I ask every person I know, sister, cousins, acquaintances, if they know anyone who’s single, and nobody does. Everyone around me is taken.

So I sit here, read, write about nothing, and think about this basic meaningless existence that plagues me every time I open my eyes in the morning and realize that I’m here for nothing. There is no dating “scene” that people speak of, unless you consider clubs, which is… just sex. If you don’t have friends, who have more friends, who have more friends, then there is no “scene” for you, there’s only luck.

My luck ran out.

Ok, so yesterday after work I was to go to a wedding and didn’t do it. Just didn’t want to go alone. So since I had a little headache that day, I exaggerated and said it was a migraine and didn’t go. Just wasn’t in the mood. I hate making excuses, hate even worse saying I didn’t want to go dateless. It’s depressing.

I know what you’re saying, Lucy. I’ve done the same thing.
Somehow it’s easier to blow off an invitation rather than
sit there looking and feeling like a complete fool. It
always seems like everyone is looking at you like some kind
of a freak. More often than not those same people are back
on the market in a year or two anyway. It’s still better to
avoid those situations in order to keep sane.

Crafty, I’m curious, did you make the move?

Looking for HONEST answers please. I posted here back in February. Since then, instead of getting better, my life has gotten worse. Since losing my girl and my kids, I can’t seem to get my life together. Never mind the fact that I haven’t had a girlfriend in about 8 years. I lost my good paying job and had to move back in with my mom. I HATE IT HERE. I haven’t seen my kids in about 5 years, ALL of my friends have either moved out of state, or are married, I have no money, no girl, no freedom, no independence. On top of all that, I just turned 30 last month. I’m getting old and I don’t have anything to show for it. It seems that I peaked at about 21. Everything in my life since then has been crap. This is eating away what little confidence I had left. Most days I have to make a real effort just to get out of bed. I’ve lost everything, and getting older, I don’t really see turning this around. Being able to get another decent job to where I can support myself (who wants to hire a 30 year old for an entry level position???), meeting another woman that I could possibly have another family with (what beautiful woman still of child bearing age wants an aging nobody???), being happy again. These all seem like some sort of long-shot, pipe dream to me now. So people, do you guys think that there is a possibility that I could return to being a functional, NORMAL human being, or is my life just DONE, at 30. HONESTLY…

I once felt like you at 22, minus the girl part. That’s when I joined the Navy. I’m not telling you to do that, though. Sometimes, change can only happen when shit falls apart. The age part is insignificant, just do something, anything, as long as it’s forward. But you need to tackle one thing at a time: you’re trying to eat the elephant in one bite. Get on your feet, then get a job, then a lawyer for the kids. Then when all is calm in the house of kj, think of a girl. Then you won’t have as many things compromising your happiness.

Thanks Aiden, I appreciate it man. At least somebody out there cares. I actually did think about enlisting awhile back, but I’m too old for that now too. Dude, I am at a major crossroads right now and don’t know what to do. The f’ed up part is that I have to do it all by myself. Yeah, I stay with my mom, like I said earlier. But, I can’t begin to tell you what kind of hell that is in itself. We DO NOT have a good relationship at all. Let’s just say that, it’s hard to live with someone who you can’t trust, who’s always in your business, tries to control every aspect of what little life you have. And as for the age thing not mattering, yeah it matters man. Let’s say it takes me 4-5 years to “get on my feet.” By then, my kids will be damn near grown themselves. I’ll be 35 then, and if I’m lucky enough to meet someone, 35 is to old to be trying to start a family. Had all this happened to me when I was still young, I could possibly still have achieved these things. It seems like the door is closing on me. I know I sound like a punk right now, but I need to vent. I have NO ONE to vent to. I’m becoming hard and bitter. This isn’t what I wanted, and I can’t seem to fix it…

Btw, you are not too old to enlist and there’s always the Reserves. I’m a Navy Reservist myself, and I work for them as a civilian. It would get you in a job for a while until you were back on your feet, and if you were full time you could be self sufficient. But I won’t lie to you: No matter what the armed force you pick if you do, it’s not always the easiest life, and you will one day go into somewhere like Iraq, Afghanistan, or Africa (where I am). The other option is to look for work elsewhere, a move canalso do you good.
But you need to kick yourself in the ass, kj. While you are worried and lamenting, you need to make some moves. And you need to get yourself together and confident again. Especially if you want to date again. Lack of both will kill your love life before it even begins.

Hank,

No and thank the stars! I just had a bad feeling about it, but things worked out even better. I’ll still get the job, but 2-3 months from now and I won’t have to go to China after all.

To me, that’s the best possible option.

Thanks for asking

Crafty the dating scene IS bad out there. Yes I do meet guys and go out,,,,,but there is something seriously wrong with all of them.

The ones that are “normal” are taken. Married guys are the worst, they come across as stable and fairly well adjusted, and by the way very persistant, but I will not go there.

So I don’t think it is luck it is just a sign of the times I think.

Why can’t everybody on this blog arrange some kind of convention so we can all meet?
I did the same thing many of you posters have: I googled “I don’t want to be alone anymore”. Imagine my surpise at stumbling across an entire community of like-minded(or at least like-situationed) people.

I should warn you, I’ve got a lot on my mind, and no way to organize it, so this post might jump around a bit.

I’m a 27 year old guy, self-employed, considered attractive by many, kind, nurturing, a great listener, fit and- of course- completely alone.

I’ve had exactly one relationship. I was only in that relationship because I’d been so alone and desperate that I settled. The problem was, I actually thought that I loved her. We married after 3 years, were married for 2, and I’m in the middle of the divorce right now.
The marriage was completely unsatisfying in every way because deep down, I knew that it was a lie. I just refused to accept.

So here I am, completely alone. No friends, no life but my job(which I do enjoy and excel at). I’ve come to hate myself because I know I’m not worth anyone’s time. What’s worse, is that I don’t know why. Maybe if I knew what was wrong with me I could fix it.

Now have all this guilt because I ended the marriage and destroyed my ex’s life. I still can’t believe I found the courage to end it, especially knowing the consequences. I’m told I shouldn’t feel guilty because it was the right thing to do, and I do agree with that logic. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still hate what I did. You all think not being loved is hell? Try throwing away the only person that ever loved you.

So now I’ve come full circle. I was miserable and alone, seemingly unlovable all throughout my teens and early 20s, then I “fell in love” and got married, thinking that everything would be okay, which it didn’t. Now I’m miserable and alone again. I’ve tried half a dozen dating sites, including the all-powerful eharmony, and I’ve never received a single reply.

My ex got the house and everything in it, and I’m living in my brothers’ basement. He’s happily married with 3 children. At least I can be a good uncle, but even that’s a small consolation, since family gatherings are entirely composed of “happy couples”. It’s hard not to hate them.

Everywhere I look I see pretty people kissing other pretty people. Everyone is so damn happy. The single girls? They don’t even notice me. I stand alone in the malls sometimes and watch the passing crowds. No one ever notices me. Ever.

A bit of added patheticism(I don’t care if it’s not a word). Lately I’ve found myself browsing the escort service websites. I don’t even want sex, I just someone that will at least pretend to like me, even if only for an hour or so.

I hate to say it, but if I could afford to, I probably would have done it already.

How’s that for ya? I want the real thing so bad, but can’t find it, so I look for a blatantly fake thing. Makes a weird kind of sense, doesn’t it?

It would be great for all like minded people to connect as suggested by overlooked.

I know it may sound unbelievable to others but there are so many of us who are struggling just to keep out heads above water with seemingly no end in sight.

Where part of the country does everyone live?

Log in and let us all know, you never know maybe we can pull something off?

I’m too far away. Eastern Europe
But lot of you that can meet – do it!

I’m from California, but I live in New Jersey now. 20 years old.. Young, but I think I can offer a lot to that “special someone.”

Calgary, Alberta, Canada here. I figure most of you are from the States.
Wouldn’t it be great if there was a way to tell just by looking at someone that they felt the same way as you?
Everybody says you should look for a strong, independent person to be with. Okay, so look for someone that doesn’t need me? It’s not a sign of weakness to need another person, it’s a sign of humanity.

We as people aren’t wired to be alone, so I say if you find someone that needs you on the same level that you need him/her, that’s got to be the greatest thing in the world. To “complete each other”.

I’m seriously starting to lose it. Every time I meet a nice girl, I blow it. I get over excited and nervous and just come off as needy and/or desperate.
I’m sick to death of being told that “confidence is key”, “girls are attracted to confidence”, “be more confident”.

Confidence for me, comes from past successes. I’m great at my job(I’m a tradesman). Because of that, I have confidence in my work. I know what I’m doing when I walk onto a new job site, and I know that I’m the best guy for the job.

I’ve never had any success with women. I don’t fear rejection, I expect it.

I try to be the cool, aloof guy when I’m out, but it’s just not me. I shouldn’t have to try to be somebody else to impress a girl. I’m not the kind of guy that can just strike up a random conversation with a pretty girl. They’re intimidating in every way.

This is going to sound bad, but I don’t even see women as people. The only person I know in this world is me. I’m a person. The next closest thing is other guys. As a guy, I understand that they’re a similar level.
But women? I don’t understand anything about them. They’re something else completely.

I wish I didn’t need someone.

I am from New York City, which is very crazy. People walk by ignoring each other and it is pretty difficult to meet any decent person. I am a graduate student and 25 years old female

We are not wired to live and be alone, we are social animals. Ask an biologist.

Yet society screws around and tells women to be independent and for men to play the field.

The media images are all about just being free and easy.

So dopey people follow this retarded image and end up chasing their tails.

I met a guy on a trip he was very nice. We ended up having dinner together and during the conversation I asked him if her were ever married or had a partner, he was 37.

He said that at 25 he had met a girl who he fell in love with, she wanted to get married but his friends and family convinced him he was too young and he should be free to sow his wild oats first.

Well he dumped her, even though he loved her to run free and wild, and guess what? 12 years later he has yet to find another girl who he finds love for in the same way.

So sad, he thinks about her all the time, she is now happily married with 2 beautiful kids.

He said it was the worst mistake of his life.

People make us feel stupid and needy for wanting a partner, when in truth it is they who are screwed up.

I live in the Vermont/New Hampshire area and sometimes I wonder why I moved up here from the southern CT, NYC area. Had one relationship since living up here and that was enough to make me want to be a hermit. Ya think wow this is going pretty damn well. A year and a 1/2 passes and ya think wow we don’t even argue, so far so good we get along really great! Then BAM right out of left field and you get the song and dance its not you its me routine. And I find the ones that I’m still friends with and more so with his family. And he’s with someone that takes his money and unresonable and arguementative no one gets it. Should I start being mean? Nawww.. not worth it…

You should never be mean or someone you are not.

Even though it seems that the rotten ones get the the best partners it is only an illusion. Be yourself and hope for the best.

Well, if anybody wants to talk my email is krush247@hotmail.com at least I know i’m not the only one like this lol.

I hear everything you people are saying here! I read your comments day after day and these same thoughts rush through my mind. We walk among those people who are in happy relationships and we blend into society. We are so much different than all these happy people and yet we wake up and spend our days trying to blend in and hide our lonliness. For a long time I thought I was alone and the only person who felt these thoughts. One night I was so sad I typed in “I’m tired of being lonley and found this site. It made me realize I am not alone and not crazy just a little lost. I’d like to take time to thank each and every one of you for showing the courage to post your inner most thoughts. I feel your pain and find comfort in your stories so from the bottom of my heart “Thank You”! My thoughts are with you and I wish you the very best. The next time you see someone you want to get to know and your feeling like you can’t talk to them just remember your not alone and you are being to hard on yourself. I see each one of you has a lot to offer so go ahead and take a chance!!

Well since everyone here is thinking the same thing and in general feel the same thing, I’ll throw this out there: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?ref=profile&id=1629185259

I just want to talk to anyone, just meet people and make friends. Add me everyone who’s on FB.

Another trip down the path of being an emotional anchor for this girl. She is 8 months divorced. Took advantage of my good naturedness. Shame on me for being optimistic. I am seriously considering just never leaving my house.

I’ve been on that path a few times myself. Your good enough
for emotional support but not good enough to date. If you
make a move you’re shown the cold shoulder. It really
hardened my attitude after a couple times. They go right
back to the type that caused them pain in the first place. It’s not your fault Jimmy! I can’t blame you for wanting to throw in the towel. Next time just remember what happened
last time and be careful not to let yourself get too
disappointed. Keep on keepin’ on!

Wow…didn’t expect to find this. Been Googling awhile and this is the first place where folks honestly told their stories and I can totally relate. I was married for 10 years to my highschool sweetheart. It was a disaster. He was diagnosed bipolar about year 4 and it was never properly managed. Anyway he eventually just left..a blessing in disguise in many ways. About 7 months later I was fortunate enough to meet someone. It was lovely to feel again. Then he slowly drifted away and the end result has been devasting. He is a good man, always honest and simply wasn’t feeling it. He is still a dear friend and I feel blessed to know him, unfortunately he is many miles away so its hard to fill the friend roll that I need right now. The bad part is the lonely black hole I find myself. I was always independent and valued my alone time. I never minded doing things on my own…figured why wait or the world to get with the program. Now I hate being along and have experienced the same things others have posted. I sleep curled up hugging a bunch of pillows because I miss having someone in my bed. I long to have someone call me and just ask how my day is. Although I have a few friends, most are not local and involved in their own lives. I have hobbies but they don’t always lend themselves to meeting folks. I’m just struggling and damn I’m tired of crying all the time. Its gotten to the point that having a good time is painful in that the longing and lonliness I feel after a weekend away is crushing (yes, anxiety is an issue…more joy). Bottom line this sucks.

Here is a great story! I met a girl online and went out on a date. she was very interested and we made plans to go out sunday! My family came to visit for three days and I did’nt get a chance to talk to her much. When I tried to talk she said she was busy! Saturday night I got a message (email) that said she could not go out Sunday because she met an old flame and they were getting back togeather. I will turn 32 on thursday (thanksgiving). I guess this was an early present. This might be a reason my self confidence is a little low. Women love confident guys. Well sorry girls but it seems you’ll have to keep looking because I’m having a hard time even convincing myself I’m a good catch!

I also am tired of being single. You have to love yourself before you can truly love another human which is true. I do love and respect myself, It’s not that I need a man to be happy if I did I would not be single right now I would have settled for the first guy that came along. One girl asked me “why don’t you go fetch yourself a guy” I don’t want to fetch someone or just be with someone just because. I guess what I’m trying to say is that It would be really nice to be in a relationship, to have a significant other, but I just don’t want to settle for anyone.

chad, i see we’ve got a mutual friend(rejection).
i went to a party once, not knowing a soul except the guy who invited.
I met a great girl who gave me her full attention for the entire night, like 6 hours of just talking. It was amazing. Eventually, the night had to end, but as luck would have it, her ride home was passed out drunk, so she asked me to take her home.
I’m thinking “Wow, a girl that likes me!”. So on the road, she says all these suggestive things(good suggestive, not overtly sexual, but flirtatious). Now I’m thinking “Yes! A girl really does like me!” Then I drop her off, without getting her phone number or giving her mine.
After a few phone calls, I tracked down her number, and with nervous, anxious and terrified fingers I called her.
It was great, we talked for a good 2 hours.
Somehow, we got on the topic of astrology. She asked if I was into it, I said ‘no’, and this is what she says:
“My boyfriend’s mom is really into that sort of thing.”
I was floored.
“What was that, sorry?” I asked, panicking.
Sure enough, I’d heard her right. I hung up on her right then.
Ever since then I’ve been trying to reason out what she was doing. Did she..
a) Know her ride home would get drunk and decided to flirt with me so I’d drive her home?
b) Flirt with me because it was fun?
c) Lie about having a boyfriend so I’d leave her alone?
d) Was truthful about the boyfriend thing, but still b.

If it’s a, she’s a bitch. If it’s b, she’s a tease, and if it’s c, she’s a bitch again. If it’s d, she’s a bitch and a tease.

The funny thing is, this happened like 10 years ago, when I was still in High School. Yet it still hurts. The pain and rejection I felt at that moment has never really gone away. I don’t think about it much though, but when I do, it hurts like it just happened.

There have been other times I’ve been rejected, but what hurt so much that time was that she gave me no reason to question her interest in me. She came on to me first. She said things to me that I longed to hear for so long, but it was a game to her, and I lost big time.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I have let the longing for romance ruin my life for to long. I am a college educated man. I work my ass off in the gym to stay in nice shape. People tell me I am the funniest guy they know. I own my own nice vehicle. I am in a position to buy a nice house. I could go on but I’m not trying to sound conceded. I just don’t have that “whatever it is” that catches a womans attention. I am just at the end of my trying to be the nice guy. I am not going to give women the chance to reject me anymore. I am simply going to focus on me. If a woman becomes interested she better be ready to do the guys work because my days of being a fun date or two are over. I apologize if this offends anyone. I just can’t let myself get this down anymore!

I feel your pain Chad. What you said really struck a nerve
with me. I’m sick of being burned and have adopted the same
strategy. Yeah, being the fun and witty guy is good for a few laughs but nothing else so it seems. You don’t have to
appologize to anyone for the way you feel!!!! ANYONE!

I think in the day and age especially, with the advent of the internet, most people are not serious minded about relationships.

In the old days you had to go out and pursue a relationship, they were not so dime a dozen.

Now adays, you go out and if you meet or not it dosen’t matter there are literally thousands more to choose from on the web.

This makes the flakey types happy because they don’t have to work at anything.

Most people are not serious or deep thinking.

We here I feel are the minority.

So as a result we want an honest and committed relationship in our lives and would be happy to find someone whom is like minded.

I cannnot for the life of me find someone who I am attracted to and is serious about being with someone of their own kind.

I find tons of flakes out there and silly individuals who are not that aware or interested in developing a mature and meaningful partnership.

It is a numbers game, and I think we are all in the minority.

So it is all the more difficult, though not impossible to find that needle in the haystack.

Hang in there everyone!

you go chad!! like i said before… you can’t love someone until you love yourself. Just be happy being you and when you are truly satisfied with yourself women will notice this…that’s what attracts women. I should know I am a woman!

Im sorry Kameron that is just mumbo jumbo, like some sort of magic potion that you believe to feel better about things.

It is just random, you don’t know how someone feels, you can’t get into their heads to see if they love themselves, that is utter nonsense.

You are either attracted to them or are not that is the bottom line.

So by telling someone to “love” themselves you are putting the responsibility to find and attract another person on them.

So when you find yourself single for a long time it is because you don’t like yourself enough and people can see this in you…..YA RIGHT.

AMEN, Livid

Everyone has self doubt, the most beautiful super models and the best athletes in the world go on about how they have insecurities.

There are things we like about ourselves and things we don’t that is the human condition. We are constantly changing and improving ourselves.

This has absolutely NOTHING to do with finding a partner.

Do not blame yourselves for not being secure or happy with yourself enough.

It is totally irrelevant.

Yes we should all work on improving ourselves and growing, but who is to say how much to love yourself, we all love ourselves or else we would just end it all.

Ignore the pschyobable and get out there and be yourselves!

Zach,

Gosh. It sucks so bad that I’ll never get to meet you or know you. I would very much like to be the one you wake up next, the one you come home to and relax on the couch with after you eat the dinner I made for you.
I’m tired of being lonely too. I want nothing more than a significant other. I wish you the best of luck in life. I hope that we can both find what we’re looking for and are able to find happiness

Another Thanksgiving gone. I felt so alone. So far detached from reality. But, I just keep trying to stay positive. There is no worse crime than trying to change who you are. Remember, our colors will always be with us.

Re: Jimmy

Do not say that you are not alone we all are here with you. Beside if it about the Turkey do not worry not a lot of people now a days celebrate Thanksgiving

I felt the same way Jimmy. I would of liked nothing better then to share Thanksgiving with a nice lady that I care about… Sucks because Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and it felt like something was missing because I couldn’t share it with somebody.

Hey Jimmy, I can so relate.

I hate spending the holidays alone, I don’t feel I have anything to look forward to.

It just feels so desolate and hopeless.

I was thankful to spend my Thanksgiving with relatives.
Being one of the few unattached people there still left me
with an empty feeling, but I guess it’s better than totally being alone. I keep asking myself, Is this as good as it’s
ever gonna get? Why is it that some people can find a
person they like and has similer interests but others like
all of us here keep struggling?

There is not justice in this life, I know so many unexceptional people who are happily paired up.

While really great ones are going through life alone.

I am so confounded by this. I am simply at a loss.

I think at times, “exceptional” people are trapped in their own ego when it comes to dating. They are too worried about finding the perfect partner, that they ignore what it’s really all about.

Sometimes the “unexceptional” people are exceptional at letting go of this need and just having a good time with someone.

The funny thing is, there’s no real way for any of us to better our situation. I’ve read most of these posts, and very view of the authors seem to have self-esteem issues or other problems that would inhibit finding a mate.

It’s all luck. Being in the right place at the right time with the right person.

Thank you all for your support. I’m really at wits end at this point. I’m able to put on a facade and look happy when I’m out and about, but what nobody sees is when I’m alone. I am breaking each day I am without “her.” I just wish someone would like me for who I am. I just wish there wasn’t a stigma attached to me. I just wish my luck would change because I won’t.

I’m almost convinced that the type of woman I’m looking
for only exists in my imagination. If it’s not to be then
I guess I’ll have to deal with it and get by best I can.
That’s the price for not compromising my principles! No
other way to explain it. Now it’s a longshot at best. Sadly,
you all know what I’m talking about.

Listen to all of us. We face the same problem and live completely different lives. The words you people say are thoughts that run through my head! I really feel like we put on a happy face but we are waiting for the person who will look into our eyes and see our heartache. The one who will wipe away our sad memories. I went to a parade tonight and saw all the happy couples holding each other in the cool winter air. I see this everyday and everyday its like a new knife is shoved into my chest. You would think I become use to seeing what I miss but it always hurts. I’m glad I can come here and convey my feelings. Before I found this site I thought I was just alone and no one else felt this way. Thank you all!

A friend of mine once told me that I’m too independent and that intimidates guys. I mean really, guys is that true? Was there any truth to his statement. Do men feel intimidated by intelligent, self-suffient women?
I can learn anything, I bought my own home on my own, car and truck. I can change my own oil, change a tire, help with a brake job. Keep my nails clean and still get dressed to the nines. Do men find when a girl knows how to do guy things they feel we’ve stepped over an invisble line somewhere?

Some men will, most will think it’s great because it takes the pressure off of them if you can handle yourself. In the end, Lucy, worry about those who aren’t intimidated.

Why does life have to be so complicated?

I ask myself the same question. Why can’t I just find a woman that doesn’t have an agenda.

Wow I dont know if there is anything I can add anything here that has not already been said. I can empathise with most of youer situations. I am single and was loving it. I travelled and met loads of ppl then one day I just woke up and felt incredibly lonely!!! I have been unable to shake the feeling for the last 4 years!!! I always wondered what was wrong with me.. why do others find it so easy to be in relationships or even meet people. I cannot begin to put into words the pain I feel waking up in the morning on my own, going on holidays on my own, movies on my own, dinner on my own.. etc etc.. I try to adopt a positive attidude because ppl expect you to be happy go lucky all the time but its hard.. I dont want to add to the depression so I wont.. I want to wish you all the best and looking forward to reading more of your comments.. Thanks Zack for starting this all…

Lucy,
As a guy, I find independent women much more attractive than those who need to be incessantly looked after.

The main reason that my marriage was such a disaster was that my ex had no identity aside from that which i afforded her. \she built her life around me from day one and it made me feel good to be needed(st first, anyway).

Eventually I realized this and a whole heap of other things that forced me to end the marriage entirely.

Granted, most women(I hope) will never be as needy as my ex. But most guys want to feel like the man in the relationship. It’s not chauvinism, it’s instinct. It validates a man if he’s the dominant one. Men unknowingly(most of the time) seek to be respected and admired by women.

This is not, obviously, describing every last man on the planet, but it’s pretty typical. Personally, I’d rather be wanted than needed. Sounds funny at first, but it’s what I’ve come to realize. Despite how much I need to be wanted, I don’t want to be needed. Man, that does sound crazy.

It’s part of me not settling, I guess. It feels good to be needed, but I think being wanted is more important.

So, to sum up; Lucy, keep being strong and independent, if a guy feels too threatened by it to deal with it, he’s seriously just not good enough for you.

Lets be serious. I think being an independant woman is very attractive. In fact reading the things you people have written makes me realize you are all unique and independant. In the few things I’ve read I can tell that each of you have a lot to offer. The thing I am most afraid of is that you are all really hard on yourselves. I can relate to this because I am very hard on myself. Does anyone here realize from reading these comments that there is really a general goodness in the people here and that the comments here show a good group of independant people who have had some bad experiences but all in all fail to see that they have a really good heart. Its wierd but when I say I wish you all the best I really mene that because I see myself in the things you write and I see we are very unfair to ourselves!

Had a talk with this woman last night. She is going through a divorce and is 8 months separated. She is very much an emotional wreck and basically to sum it all up, I said this to her… “I don’t want anything from you now, I want you to heal, I want you to have self worth again, but in all honesty I would love to have a relationship with you when you are good a ready.” She appreciated my honesty and said I was sweet and all and she is not ready for any type of intimacy (emotional, sexual etc.)… I look at it this way, I put myself out there, if she likes me and realizes that I would be good for her, grat. If not, oh well, not much loss because I didn’t sleep with her. She wanted to, but I know myself, if I slept with her I would’ve been a rebound and would have found myself attached. So basically I ask the women of this group… if she really wanted something she would have jumped at it. I have the overall feeling that she had an agenda for me and I was able to save my heart (somewhat) by not falling into the rebound status. All opinions are welcome, however i really would like a female perspective.

Jimmy, She is not ready yet.

I had a bad breakup and I was not able to be involved with a guy for at least a year.

After a year, I was able to be sexually involved with guys, but not emotionally.

That took 3 years.

Maybe I am weird, but I am very serious about committment.

So if she is worth anything in the future, her level of seriousness at this point indicates her commitment to a relationship.

IF you have a pure heart as a woman, you need time to let go and feel clean and clear for the next relationship.

If you are a airheaded flake you can jump from man to man, no problem.

So her behaviour will be the indication.

Good luck

Thank you livid. You have given me concurrence.

Overlooked… Thanks. I can really related to the being wanted and to the being needed. There is a difference. I’ve always taken care of myself since I’ve been out on my own so I can be a bit headstrong, but at the same time it gets tiresome and you just want to share life with someone. Comes down to being wanted, and then theres the trust and respect issues, which of course goes both ways. I am really glad I found this site, I think its great seeing I’m not so crazy after all. Thank you everyone for sharing.

Livid you aren’t weird, I totally understand. And Jimmy, be her friend, be supportive, and be careful. Livid is right watch her actions. She will go through many emotions because that is what we women do. We are emotional. The people I remember and keep close in my heart and in my life are the ones that stood by me and put up with me when I was hurting the most and experiencing the worst. I can tell you there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for those people that were there for me when I thought I was alone.

Chad, YOU ARE RIGHT. We are tough on ourselves. But I think we found so much of ourselves in everyone here that writes something. I think that it gives us some relief to see that we aren’t alone feeling the things we do. I hope that everyone who visits here will find a little something to give them the strength to not give up. That they will find what they are looking for in their heart. Something that gives you just a little bit of hope that says, ya know I don’t feel so alone now. And that just may be all the boost one person needs that visits here. And its a place you can always come back to because people here understand. It really is a good place. I’m glad I found it. I’m gonna go hang more Christmas lights. Look out Clark Griswald…

Thats funny Lucy, I was laughing my ass of at the hanging christmas lights comments. I love that christmas vacation movie. On a more serious note Jimmy my hat is off to you. You are obviously a real man, instead of taking advantage of a confused woman you became a shoulder for her to cry on and a listener she can confide in. I really don’t understand how anyone here is single. You all have shown that you are caring and understanding and that in the face of hardship you all put being moral above just using others to get what you want. I think this site is very theraputic. I know I always read the new comments and I only hope that the rest of you have found comfort in coming here as well!

Here’s an interesting story for you guys:
I enjoyed a brief stint of of weekly visits to my local pub. I wasn’t drowning my sorrows in alcohol, but i was hoping to get noticed.

So one particular saturday night, about 3 months ago, I meet an exceptionally beautiful 21 year old girl who is wasted beyond belief. She’s wearing one of those short jean jackets over a tube top and she’s got daisy dukes.
I am definitely not the guy that goes for that type, but she was nice and talked to me first, so I indulged a little.
When the night is over her ride home(her mother, incidentally) has disappeared, and in her tears, she asks for a ride home. Always the gentleman, I say okay. The problem here is that she has no idea where she lives, so we end up at my place. While I’m waiting for her to sober up, she flashes me her breasts for no real reason.
Now, I’m a guy, so naturally I liked what I saw. But the chivalrous knight in me closed her jacket to cover them.

Later that night, she does it again, only this time she’s insisting that I touch them. So what did I do? I closed her jacket again, and said ‘thanks, but no thanks’.

Once she sobered up(around 5am), I drove her home and never saw her again. I’m not choked about that, or about not touching her rather perfect breasts. I’m choked that she didn’t even thank me for taking care of her while any other guy would have taken full advantage of the situation. She said ‘thanks for the ride, take care’.

Why is it that you only get noticed if you do something bad, but the good deeds are ignored, if not shunned altogether?

Well it sounds to me like this girl was just looking for a one night stand. I think she was young and if you are into picking up women for sex that you should have went along with it. I mene we are all human. But I don’t think you are looking to get lucky. Sometimes when your lonely you don’t see that some people are looking for other things. Maybe we try to force relationships and we set ourself up for failure. My opinion is that she was young and enjoying her youth and that you are much more mature and looking for an equal.

oh don’t worry chad, I knew she was nuts from the moment she started talking to me that night, I just figured I’d get a bit of recognition for doing the right thing, especially after she mentioned that she was engaged.

First of all, Overlooked, Any chick wearing a getup like that is off at bit in the first place. But that is only a tiny glimpse into the vast majority of people out there.

A young woman who puts herself out on a platter by dressing and acting like that is obviously either intellectually or emotionally challenged.

Getting wasted, left by your mother?????

Great family background, for starters!!!

Any woman who presents herself like a piece of meat, is going to be for the most part treated like one.

She was very lucky to have been in your company, probably the one time she actually came across a decent guy.

This type of girl wants a certain type of guy, and you are way above and beyond her level, socially and intellectually.

Let those types find their own kind.

What you must understand that that type is socially retarded and you can’t expect proper behaviour from them in any way shape or form.

So for her not saying thank you properly comes as no surprise at all.

Do not take it personally, just be glad you didn’t catch anything!

Yes on all accounts. If you dress like a ghoul, you will attract ghouls. What I find very depressing each day is the fact that there aren’t more people that do the right thing in life. Thank you Chad. It was very difficult not jumping into bed with this woman because lord knows, I am very attracted to her. The fact is, I’m hoping(like overlooked) that I can be recognized for doing the right thing and maybe she will see me in a different light. This is the same girl five years ago that I brought flowers to while she was working. I had met her through a friend and started hanging out and enjoying each others company. After the flower incident, we drifted apart. I chalked it up to me “coming on too strong” or something. Well, fast forward five years to today and that was one of the first things she brought up. The fact that she felt so bad for not reacting positively when I brought her flowers. I’m willing to bet I’m the only man that has done something like that for her. Well, it is entirely up to her to find herself and to see if she can break the cycle of dating/marrying abusive men. I pray for her. I pray for you all. I just need somebody to pray for me.

Jimmy you got my prayers. And Overlooked, gals like Daisy Duke there, they don’t know what to do. She doesn’t understand how lucky she was to have someone like you around to help her out. Livid put it perfectly. That one is definatly a needy type wrapped up in alot of emotional self-destructive issues.

The problem today is that younger people have no one to
look up to. They have no examples of how to act toward
their fellow humans. No common courtesy or manners are
taught. Some of our elected officials don’t even know
how to act! It’s a sign of our times. All of us here are
in a definite minority, and while we should be proud that
we don’t conform to society in general,we aren’t getting
anywhere either. Are We?

After todays revelations by Tiger Woods that he cheated for 3 years with 2 women on his beautiful 29 year old wife, there is no hope left.

There is really no one to look up to any more you are right Hank.

It is so depressing, no wonder there are like 10 of us out there who are in the right place mentally. The rest of the world had gone MAD.

I feel like an alien from Pluto or something.

Sad, just damn sad!

Hank, you are very wise. I agree, there is really nobody to look up to and it seems most people don’t possess a moral compass nowadays. Tiger Woods? He doesn’t surprise me. What does surprise me is the stories I hear about the couple married for 30 years getting a divorce. I mean…WHAT!? I don’t understand that at all. I will just keep my head up and try to find someone who I can’t live without. I hope you’re out there my love.

Jimmy you are too good to be true!

Jimmy, I believe most relationships start with two people
who can’t live without each other. What that evolves into
might be a different story. Does anyone really mean what they say anymore? I’ll be the first one to admit that I’m
skeptical due to my past history. My expectations are way
too high, no doubt. Tiger’s reputation has been tarnished at
least till he wins the next tournament or the next big
scandal comes along. This is the new normal!

Hank, again I agree with you, but I have heard of good marriages/relationships. Although rare, it has happened. I guess I’m being naive in thinking I may find someone who I can’t live without. What can I say? I’m a hopeless romantic.

Livid, I’m just a regular man sweetheart, searching for the woman that makes my stomach hurt. That’s when I know.

Lucy, Thank you. It does mean alot to mean.

From what I have heard today, men just want to run around like crazy, most of them anyway.

It is very discouraging, to say the least.

Well Livid, my fellow Plutonian, things do look grim don’t they? I can relate to what Hank says about past experiences and the expectations you look for in someone else. They may be high expectations to some but we’re talking about the rest of your life with one person and its alot of work. I look at my grandparents, they were married for 70 years. Can you imagine being with one person for 70 years? When I close my eyes to imagine being with someone that long….imagine what he would be like… all I get is the headless horseman (sigh heavy sigh)

Lucy your very funny!

Most long term relationships are really hard, I think living together kills alot of them.

The constant day in and day out is very tough, it get boring and then trouble starts to brew.

I would love to meet someone and just have a relationship that is a couple of days a week.

That;s all I want

Not a lot to ask

Why are girls so hard to figure out?
On two separate occasions over the past few months, 2 very attractive girls have volunteered their phone numbers to me without ever having had a conversation.
Both girls acted all weird when I called and said they’d give me a call and we could get together. Never happened.

Let’s review. Two girls noticed me based on how I look, and must have liked what they saw, since(as I mentioned), they offered their numbers to me out of the blue, with no prior interaction. When I call, they passively reject me.

I’ve been trying to figure this one out and would love some input from some of the girls here.

I wondered if maybe they just got scared because they’re not used to the guy actually calling. I don’t think that’s it since both girls were very attractive and I couldn’t see them having trouble picking up guys. So I’m out of ideas.

It’s like buying a new car from a dealership and being surprised when they hand you the keys. Any thoughts?

overlooked, how old are these girls

one was 30, the other looked about 24.

Wow, we spend a lot of time trying to figure people out. I always wonder if the lady walking by smiled because she was interested or if she was being nice. I think I’m going to stop wondering so much but on the flip side I do have some good news. I was talking to a girl this summer at the pool and today i went to a restaraunt with a friend and she was the waitress. She ended up sitting with us and talking for an hour. I am going back Friday to ask her out on a date. I’m trying not to get to excited but we have a lot in common and I have to be honest I am confident around most people but every time I’ve talked to this lady I get a little weak in the knees and I have a stupid grin I can’t hide. I know from previous situations I should go about my business and not set myself up for disappointment. But what the hell I’m gonna give it a shot and see if she is interested. I might be a little sad if it does’nt happen but I’m not worried because I will come here and coming here always makes me feel better. So I might need a shoulder to cry on Friday or I might be on cloud nine. Either way I have always found comfort in the kind words and helpful advice I get from all of you!!

Chad : Do not worry trust me each one of us have one that out their for them, it may not come right away as for others but it always comes. So take it easy Friday and enjoy yourself if it works great if not great for you because their might be someone who is way better waiting for you.

Jimmy: Man you will find someone who will fit you very much but if you do not do not run crazy because if you rushing for it you may end up with the wrong person and that will stay with you for A LONG TIME so be patience observe, learn and then choose and you will find someone who is exactly for you.

at the end guys, we have to be 100% confidence with ourselves in order to let someone feel 100% confidence around us.

Me, myself I know that I am not fully confident of myself because I am bit chubby and I do not like it but at the other hand I am 25 yrs female who is persuing her Master in one of the best schools in America so young and smart but not yet confident. I believe that for good hearted people like it us we have to believe that we are good inside and outside because who ever will be with us will feel great around us.

Dee,
I want to tell you something. When I was younger physical beauty was everything. Now I’m 32 and I find myself being attracted to a woman I can talk to. You say your a little chubby but I hope you did’nt forget the encouraging words you just wrote me. Young lady I have read just a few encouraging thoughts from you and you are beautiful. You are gorgeous were it counts because physical attraction is great but I think we are all looking for the person who is understanding and compassionate and there is no doubt in my mind that you hold those qualities. You are a compassionate, and intelligent woman with a good heart. You are gorgeous don’t fool yourself into thinking anything else!

Chad… Go for it man. That is the new mantra.

Dee… Chubby? I love curvy women. Especially smart ones.

Overlooked… I think that happens to me evertime I get a girls number. Did I ever tell you the one about the girl who asked me out on a date to tell me she doesn’t date?

Livid… The day in day out won’t be so bad with the right person. I mean really, My best friends are the people I want to be around…constantly. That is what I’m looking for, a best friend, a soulmate, a lover, etc.

I think you all are awesome and have been wonderful. Thank you. I am going through sour times.

Chad, look at it this way. What’s the worst that could happen if you get turned down? Things end up no worse than they are right now. Give it a try and see what happens.

Livid, your idea is worth trying. Might be the secret to
keeping a relationship fresh, providing the other person
is comfortable with it.

Dee, I once met a girl from the other end of my state. Made
arrangements to drive out and see her.(A four hour trip),
only to find out she already had a boyfriend after we spent the day together.I would have laid into her for wasting my time but she was my neighbor’s niece so I left it go at that. Was a long trip home. This is the luck of the Hankster!

Enjoy reading everyone’s post and words of encouragement. I guess I’m a bit of an optimist. I do see more examples of good folks and relationships than bad. It does make me physically ill when I hear of infidelities as I was on the receiving end. Nothing IMHO is more painful. But because I have males in my life that are good, in fact outstanding friends, fathers, and husbands, I do not accept that the buttheads I have dealt with or read about are the norm. I agree with Chad..what I may have found attractive at 20 is not the same as what I am looking for now. There are a couple things physically I still do look for/notice ( I tend to like talls gent probably cause I’m not and a good smile) but really it is the person on the inside thats the real seller. To the gents that did not have their kindness acknowledged you have to look at it this way. You acted in a way that was true to who you are and did not compromise “yourself” for what would have probably amounted to just a couple hours and days/week of regret. Thank yourself

Just an edit “You acted in a way that was true to who you are and did not compromise “yourself” for what would have probably amounted to just a couple hours of fun and days/week of regret. Thank yourself“

Chad: Thanks a lot I am sure you will find someone who is just born for you and 32 is not a big deal good marriages do not happen until you are in your 30s because you are in a stage of life where you know where are you and what do you want so it will happen sooner or later. And if takes some times it is all for your benefit trust me.

Jimmy: you are nice trust me in New York City it is hard to be Chubby.Also it is hard to date people tend to look very stress and running for their lives and it is hard to meet decent people and for me I am not a bar type of girl, I am very social but not in bard I feel like the people who are their will down grade my brain capabilities… .

Hankso55: You drove 4 hours for a girl who later you found out that she is dating someone else. I dated a guy for 4 years where I found out that he is just playing games with me and not taking me serious. But funny enough this guy got married and now he is contacting me to tell me how wonderful I was. Keep in mind that I never had sex with him or any other guys. So do not feel bad take it as a learning experience.

I keep getting the words of encouragement, the usual crap about ‘fish in the sea’ and whatnot, but I’m pretty sure there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. I really wish I knew what it was, so I could at least try to fix it.

Girls I know praise me for my honesty and sense of humor, they tell me I’m attractive and blah blah blah. Next time I hear that I’m just going to call bullshit.

I’ve had more friends that are girls than guys, and not a single one of them ever wanted to be with me in any capacity. The only girls that even talk to me now have been drunk. So I’m just going to give up.

I quit.

ReL: Overlooked

Just called it bullshit for now and the more you will forget about it, the closer you will get to meet The girl not any girls because trust me there are a lot of girls out their but you need the right and the best one not just the right one for now. Keep your hopes low and without knowing you will see how much difference will make.

Overlooked… There is more likely something fundamentally wrong with them. Trust me, I’m finding out that we are a small number in society. You know, good, well-rounded, moral people. Don’t quit. Just adjust your mind. Work on your hobbies, and interests. Stop hunting per say and start farming. If you catch my drift.

Nina… Thank you for your words of encouragement. Damn I wish I was tall.

Dee… NYC is a very tough town. I know, I’m there everyday. And I’m there being chubby.

The “farming” statement by Jimmythesaint was dead on. It’s too bad people are so impatient and so ADD these days about relationships. If they stuck around past three months and cultivated the relationship further, people might be pleasantly surprised.

So I askeed that girl out today and sher said yes and gave me her number. I can tell she is very interested. Its ben a while since I’ve felt this good. I almost forgot what the feeling was like. Well I’m off to the gas station to buy a lottery ticket! Wish me luck!

Re: Jimmy well yes it is New York rules and you have to live by them

Re: Chad that is great best of luck with the girl and the lottery.

Chad…High five! (Borat voice)

Well thanks everyone. I hope this date goes well but I am usually the one date wonder so I’m trying not to be overly excited. I just love the feeling you get when someone is attracted to you. I’m sure we have all felt it but its ben a long time for me. I kinda feel like I walk around but that women think of me like the walls of a building. They notice that I’m there but they don’t look at me as a person to be interested in. I’m not going to lie I have pretty much given up on being in a relationship. I have ben going about my business and not really looking for anyone. It probably sounds crazy but I almost don’t want to call this girl. Things usually go south for me and I never understand why. There is always a lot of fun on a date with me and somehow I slip into friend mode and that completely sucks. I just have a gut feeling that this is different. Something says to me that this could be a really good thing but only time will tell. I can tell you all something. Here recently I have really become content with who I am. Every part of my life is working out nicely after a lot of hard work. For the first time in a long time I actually like me. So win or lose and good or bad I’m going to try and hold on to my positive feelings. You can bet I will be keeping you all posted. Every one of you have ben a shoulder to lean on and an ear that is always willing to listen and for that I am eternally grateful to each and every one of you!!

Dee, you sound like a sweet heart, I love NYC, and yes I know how intimidating it can be.

It must have the most good looking stylish people in one place I think I have ever seen.

But you know, you are lucky that you can affect your situation if you choose to.

You sound really funny and intelligent with a kind heart.

So if being chubby is hard you are very able to change that.

Do you how hard it is for a super skinny asshole to change their situation.

It is much harder to change your personality than your weight.

So if you feel it keeps you from meeting guys, then why don’t you focus on small goals to get to the look you feel might enhance your siuation.

Small things and baby steps to feel better and more confident. You would have such a boost and some attention would be great for you!

hey livid you thinks being happy with yourself and independent is mumbo jumbo. If finding a guy is your only priority well good luck with your life. I’m only 18, but you sound more like the insecure young girls I see everyday. And i actually met a guy about 3 weeks ago so YA RIGHT back to ya.

Wow. That was kinda ridiculous. I’m sure finding a guy isn’t livid’s sole purpose in life. You are going to see Kameron that no matter how much you love yourself, the other person has to see the same qualities in you that they cherish. I’m not a self loather, but I have insecurities like the next guy. I’ve learned to accept them and just be true to myself. Love me for who I am, if not, they’ll be someone that will eventually. I’m glad you met a guy. However, do not change who you are. If you want something, go get it. Godspeed.

P.S. For anyone who is familiar with my situation, I sent that person a hallmark card with some words in it. I feel at total peace. God I love just being honest and saying what is on my mind.

I miss NYC Was suppose to go down there next weekend, bring some friends and show them NY at Christmas time. But something always gets in the way. Yesterday, it was 103 temp god knows what it will be tomorrow…

I miss NYC. I was suppose to go down there next weekend, bring some friends and show them NY at Christmas time. But something always gets in the way. Yesterday, it was 103 temp god knows what it will be tomorrow.

sorry for the dbl entry. compter glich thing

Re: Kameron, you are just 18 yrs old so you do not really know much about life and relationships. I remembered when I was 18 I never thought of being in a relationship. I was more focused on my studies. I think for you relationships should be the last thing in your mind but for us who achieved most of what we want in our lives we take it a bit serious.

Kameron,

Youth’s worst and, ironically, best aspect is being care free.

Just because you are content with your life right now, doesn’t mean you found the right formula.

Everyone’s priority here is to find a certain someone, because everything else is already set in order.
I’m pretty sure that a huge part of the people here are somewhat successful and have reliable jobs, homes and shoes on their feet. So when the plates are on the table and the candles are lit, you can not help but wonder “Where is my dinner?!”

Jimmy:
Spot on.

Kameron, thanks for your insight, but with all due respect you just have got it all wrong.

Im sure you mean well but I don;t think you grasp the concept I put forward….All the best to you, dear.

Jimmy the saint, thanks for “getting it”. I;m not sure the other person is actually “all there”.

But no mind, we are here to be supportive not judgmental, that’s for the rest of “them”.

Thanks, guys

I remember when I was 18, I thought I had it all figured out too, like most of us did at that age. That’s the problem with being young, you can’t have any real experience to draw from.

I’m 27 and I’m only just starting to figure out who I really am and what my place is. I wish it hadn’t taken so long, but it did.

I read something once: ‘To know love is to know thyself’. It basically means that when you do meet someone, and that person is the right someone, you’ll become the person you’ve always been, but the one that hasn’t had any real purpose yet and so hasn’t been on the surface. The right person should make you want to be better. So it’s a little hard to be 100% happy with who you are when you know the real you has yet to emerge.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but it’s true for me. Part of the excitement of meeting the right person is the hope that I’ll finally be complete and become the person I’ve always truly been.

Does that make sense? ‘Cause sometimes I make with the ramblings and end up in a completely different spot than when I started…

Re: Overlooked well it does makes difference the older you got the older you realize what you want especially with respect to relationships. But you are the complete person still, yes when you meet the right one you feel at your greatest. So basically we have not feel our greatest yet

Re: Overlooked I just read your story with that girl you meet 3 months ago. That was really nice from you. You did the right thing even if she did not thanked you. Trust me it will add to your personal wealth.

thats the whole point of loving yourself you don’t have to change who you are. and no i know i don’t have it all figured out, I’m sure you don’t either. and yes we all have problems i’m not saying that I don’t, I’m human. I think everyone is completely over analyzing my point, being happy with yourself doesn’t mean you don’t have problems, it just means that your not going to change for someone and that you respect yourself, you have standards.

And livid I got a little offended by what you said. It was just a bit harsh. I was only giving my opinion. And others are being quite discriminant toward my age. I may not have that much experience, but you can learn a lot from paying attention to others…

I am not going to go into full detail or take much of your time. Earlier this week I told you about a girl I met and was going out with. To make a long story short she is hung up on her old boyfriend and nothing is going to happen. I am completely crushed and for the life of me I cannot understand seeing so many happy couples and realizing that I can never be a part of that!

Re: Chad

What happened with the girl that yo saw Friday?

Do not be sad if seeing happy couples in the street, wait until you hear my story, Friday I stayed in the library for 18 hours studying with a female friend of mine, I look to my right there couple to the left there couple . The whole library was only couples. So I made it a fun story, I starting telling my friend I just need a guy who just can ask about me even if it once during the 18 hours, the couples who were front of me he was feeding her and covering her because it was cold and I could not find one GUY on earth to do that to me so do not feel bad , and i pretty much study very often. Laugh man

sorry Dee,
My laughter is gone tonight and probably for a while.I keep trying to fight the obvious but some people r meant to walk alone. I keep trying to get past it but its true. Maybe its true for those of us who come to this site. Maybe we carry a burden so other people can be happy. Maybe we are chosen to walk alone and there is a reason we don’t understand!I’m not sure I just wish this lonliness would go away!

Re: Chad we are here for you and for one another so do not ever feel alone, and I do not know what city you locate. Just remember we are close.

Common sense dictates that when you see couples all over the place that there are people who are still looking for a committed relationship.

You see them walking on the streets, in shopping malls, restaurants and social events.

So it makes sense that they are meeting each other and they are obviously getting together, and yet somehow for those of us here it is just somehow impossible.

What gives?

I keep thinking to myself, I meet guys, I even sometimes get together with them and yet still it goes nowhere.

Everyone I have met dosen’t seem to be on the same page.

What is so friggin hard about meeting a like minded guy?

They seem to be out there, but with other girls.

I’m afraid there is no rational way to explain how some
people have luck in finding a partner and others like all
of us here don’t. It’s not a numbers game,luck of the draw,
or even timing for that matter.Yeah, I guess that saying
that you can make your own luck is partly true, but who of us here is just waiting for someone to fall into their lap?
We’re looking but just not finding. It still comes down to
this for most. Do you look for the right person for maybe
your whole life, or settle for less and try to MAKE yourself
happy? Old as I am, I still can’t do the latter. Is it the
right thing to do? I DON’T KNOW!

NO SETTLING! I know this sucks for all of us. Its lonely as hell and yes the holidays can be unbearable. You just want to go and slap the happy people/couples. Still, settling is wrong, wrong, wrong. It only results in missed opportunities when the right person comes by and ultimately you are lying and will hurt the other person. Imagine being with someone you adored, who you thought was the one and you found out one day that, well, you really weren’t the one, just the one that happened along. Ouch. Totally agree with the fact there is no rational or logic as to why/how some find partners and others don’t. We struggle more for whatever reason because of loneliness but I know several folks that are beautiful, successful and generally very happy people that are oddly in the same boat. Luck, karma, goat sacrifices..who knows the trick. Trust me, if I did I’d share.

Ninam,
I loved your comment it was great. It brightened my day. Maybe you should look into writing professionally. You have a way with getting someones attention!

Everyday I look out the window and look at the trees, listen to the birds singing, dogs barking, and the cats meowing all alone and i cry. i know my love is swimming around there somwhere. i got to find her those are my duties. When Im in my kitchen making the best pot roast in the world i get angry that no one is there to try it besides my doggy bubblegum thats his name. im sick of picking up bubblegums poop i want children so they can pick it up. anybody want some fried chicken cuz i makes da best

As most of you it seems, I stumbled across this site while feeling down about my loneliness… my singleness. Your stories have touched me and I feel blessed to have come across them. It has inspired me to share with you all my story, which might have bit more of a twist on it. I apologize for the length, but it just kept coming.

I met who I would call the love of my life when I was 16. We were extremely compatible and extremely close. We saw each other through all of our major life transitions as we spent 8 years together. Upon graduation from college I moved to pursue more technology based career opportunity. We spent two years apart (seeing each other on the weekends) as she finished up. I never dreamed it would collapse – but it did. A combination of life taking us two different directions (and I’ve been told likely another man) played a part in it. It’s been another two years since our split and she’s now engaged to him. She placed all kinds of blame on me for not committing to marriage back then and ridiculed me… calling our relationship a waste. And certainly I was more immature then and not faultless. I do have regrets, but I never even dreamed of cheating and wanted the world for us both. But now I’m alone without even a single family member near me.

My issues leave me boxed and feeling punished. I have money and many friends yet I am isolated in a self-created cage. I grew up only knowing how to exist in a relationship – and now can’t seem to get past the third or fourth date before being tossed out like my 8 year love tossed me. Yet some days I love being completely free – to the point that I’m privately considering a move to Britain to pursue an opportunity. My life, hobbies, and career excite me, but the dreams of my past and never ending loneliness haunt me. I consider myself over her, yet she shows up in my head around this time of year and in my dreams when I experience rejection from other women.

I have been on a losing streak lately. The last two girls I dated had me big time – I was really interested. I would have bet every penny they were as well. Our dates mostly consisted of extensive conversation after a pleasant meal. Some carrying on for 4-5 hours. In both cases I felt a connection and they said they did too. After sharing a kiss and saying goodbye I never heard from them again. Apparently I’m not worth rejecting face to face or even via text. I was just a few fun dates like all the others boys. I am an engineer and my job is logical, cold, and fact based. I cannot digest the illogical part of these relationships and I feel I’m trapped. I’m successful and have been told handsome, but I’m missing something women look for it seems.

I’ve thought thoughts I never thought would come. But take heart in the small amount of faith I have in God and in people. I recently attended the company Christmas party – alone. I pass lovely couples and think similar things that have been mentioned here. But I also find myself passing graveyards thinking of their stories. So many stories of success and heartbreak that no one remembers. In 150 years no one will remember us either, and that makes me feel good. And this cyclical struggle has matured and humbled me – volunteering, charity, doing everything I can for others is all I have to declare worth by so I do it. If I can help change even just one life I feel my life would be validated whether they ever really know me or not. In a way, I’ve become a better person through the tears and prayers. The reality is that as a young man I could have been born to a different generation and died at 19 on a Civil War battlefield or in some unknown place in Europe. That makes my cold and lonely bed less intimidating.

Sometimes I wish I would have never loved anyone but focused only on me and the coldness of my life. Then at least I would be ignorant to what I am missing and most certainly with less regret. But in the same way a dynamic life is better than a dull one. I suppose it is that pioneer attitude that makes a cold and lonely character like James Bond so popular. Loneliness in marriage would take its toll in perhaps even worse ways. Things could be worse. I just wish this losing streak would pass and I could get a second chance at love. And I pray and wish you all the very best in your pursuit of happiness as well.

I went out this past saturday night, and to my utter shock and amazement, a girl came onto me. Me. This has never happened in my entire life. Seriously, never.
I was sitting with 3 other people I’d just met, just talking, and this girl asked me to dance. Out of nowhere.

Long story short: My whole table ends up going back to a friend of this girl’s house. We hang out until 8 am and crash there. Needless to say, she and I spent like 5 straight hours just kissing and touching(no sex). It was incredible. This short, adorable, and very sexy girl was attracted to me.

Since then, I’ve spent the night at her place twice(no sex), and it’s been great. We watched movies and cuddled until we fell asleep. For those few past days, I was the happiest I’d ever been.

Which brings me to now. I was thinking today, not once has she inquired about my personal life. When we talk, it’s more like she talks, and I listen. Now I’m scared to death.
I don’t want to miss this opportunity, but I’m afraid she’s just looking for a warm body. Whenever I compliment her, she just smiles and says nothing. I don’t mean like bashful silence with the blushing and all that, just a polite smile accompanied by a thundering orchestra of nothing.

I’m extremely attracted to this girl and it’s killing me to think that she’s just using me. I don’t think she really cares about anything I say or do. We’re not even technically in a relationship yet, as she told me she just wanted to take it slow. Good idea, but we’re awfully physical for taking the slow route.

Here’s her deal. She’s 29(2 years my senior), has a 9 year old son whom she loves dearly. She never married, and shares equal custody with the father(they were only together for a month, so they didn’t have much invested emotionally when they split, so they get along okay). She works 2 jobs, both in the medical field, one of which takes her 5 hours north for 2-3 weeks at a time. She loves what she does and she’s proud of how hard she’s worked and what she’s accomplished. She just moved into the city where I live so she could see her son more often.

She’s everything I want in a woman; smart, beautiful, dedicated, goal- oriented, independent, friendly. But I don’t think she actually likes me. I think it might be worse to be with her but not really have her than never being with her at all. As I’ve said, we spent the last 2 nights together, and when I left this morning, instead of telling her I’d call, I told her ‘give me a call later if you want to’. So I’ll see if she bothers to call, even if just to talk.

I like her so much, and she’s obviously physically attracted to me. Please help, I want to confront her but I don’t want to push her away and blow what chance I may have had. I know it’s wrong to settle, hell, I wrote on this very blog about it’s importance, but I’m so damn lonely and she’s so perfect. I hope to God I’m wrong and she’s just too busy with her life to really consider what I may or may not be feeling. I’m also pretty sure that she doesn’t realize that’s she using me(if she is, at all).

I wish I was the type of guy that could be happy just being with her at all, but I want a woman that get’s excited about seeing me, nervous before I come over, and brags to her friends about how great I am. I’ve been trying to show her that I could be her long term guy, I’ve been attentive and caring, physically affectionate(like massages and things for no reason other than to relax her), I told her that I’m not the jealous type, and wouldn’t worry about her cheating on me when she’s gone for those 2-3 weeks.

Do any of you have any input? Anything that I can say or do to not mess things up and let her know how I’m feeling? We did just meet and I don’t want her thinking I’m some clingy loser. Please, I’m so scared of missing out on what could be the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

sorry that was so long, I’m kind of freaking out.

Overlooked….Stop thinking brother. Enjoy the time spent with her. You will make yourself crazy if you keep thinking about the what-ifs and such. Easy does it with the emotional attachment if you are like me and gets attached once the sex comes. The fact is I want you to do me a big favor, just go for it and go with it. My reasons are sound:

1. No matter what happens…you will heal.
2. No matter what happens…you will take something away from this relationship
3. No matter what happens…WE ARE HERE FOR YOU.
4. No matter what happens…I would rather regret going for it than not going for it.

Hope this helps out. Brother, you are in my thoughts. Godspeed.

Jimmy

I can’t help thinking, Jimmy, this is the first time I’ve been in this situation.

Of course I want to go for it, I just don’t want to be in a fake relationship.

Breathe my brother, breathe and take a step back. First, its wonderful that someone approached you. No doubt that made you feel good. And that you have spent a lot of time together over the past couple days is very nice BUT this does not make her the “it” girl…not yet anyway. Oh I know you are flying high as I do remember the feeling and its normal and fun. Its also a little dangerous because its like a drug, very, very additive. So you need to just step back a bit and see what happens when you actually try and get to know this young lady without all the good hormone stuff flying. Phone conversations, maybe some dates and I’m not talking at each other’s house. You know like a movie or dinner, catch some live music somewhere or heck, go bowling. Simple time spent together will help paint the real picture of interest in the long run for both of ya. She said she wanted to take it slow so I’d take that hint and do just that. Just my nichel’s worth.

Nina, it does feel good, but I have thought rationally about why I like her so much, and the qualities are there. I’m not saying that I’m in love with her, because I just don’t know yet, but I’m just scared that I’ll mess it up.

All the girls I dated before I got married started this way, except back then it was me asking them out. They seemed to really like me, but the more time I spent with them, they just seemed to fade away, usually within a span of weeks.

I know that I’m over thinking this, but it’s just so hard to be still and just enjoy things when your whole life has been nothing but disappointments and failures. Instead of taking it as it comes, like I know I should, I just start to wonder how long it’ll be before she sees that same repelling quality all the others have seen before her.

I appreciate you guys listening and helping. As pathetic as this sounds, I don’t have any real friends, so that makes you guys the closest thing right now.

Earlier I mentioned that I left it up to her to call me tonight. Well, she didn’t.
I’m not surprised, really, but it would have been nice if she’d of me.

We have spent a lot of time together, so I do understand that she might want a break, but now I just worry if saying that turned her off altogether.

See what I do? I get so scared of an idea that I can’t relax, I think only of the worst possible outcomes. Not once did I say to myself ‘I hope she calls’, or ‘I’m sure she’ll call’. I was always ‘She won’t bother’, or ‘She probably forgot all about me already’.

The voice of experience, I suppose.

Well she did not call. This is not fair to you. Don’t you have the rite to ask her about things? If you can’t talk about were the relationship is going then what can you talk about? The main thing is she was interested in you as I’m sure many women are so atleast this is a confidence booster! Just be yourself man. We can all see your awesome! Just remember you must be true to yourself!

The worst part is knowing the rational way to behave, but not being able to.

Two things, hard as they may be. One, don’t overthink this but just watch the flow of things and, two, don’t actively wait. Live your life to the fullest and let her do some of the legwork. You need to gauge her level of interest and willingness to be anything other than physically intimate. Remember that when someone truly likes you they will do what is necessary to make it happen, even exposing their inner selves. To be sexual is too easy and convenient, look for her ability to be expressive in other ways.

I agree with Alden, if someone wants to make it happen they will.

The thing that scares me is that she is 29 years old with a nine year old, with a man she knew for a month, not the most responsible thing to do.

However she was young , but still I was 20 years old and very careful to not do anything to screw up my future.

Having said that, it only may indicate a lack of taking things in life seriously.

That is what makes me a bit nervous. Her personality may be a bit flaky, I don’t know but it may be a concern.

Be aware of this possibility, and you seem very focused and sincere, and totally not flaky, so just be on the lookout for this tendency.

If she is not flaky and is looking for a solid relationship, as you are, then let her show you her intentions.

Ask her questions next time you get together.

Has she had any long term solid committments?

Does she want a life partner?

Is she a dedicated and solid mother?

Does she have a solid infrastructure around her, eg, house, car, friends, family.

These do indicate a focused and mature person who at this stage in life is looking for a life that is settled and solid. Not a party animal who is jumping from person to person.

Just take it slow and see how things look, remember if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck………Its probably a duck

Good Luck

I’m back, after a brief hiatus, and extra thinking. I’d like to touch on a few points:

The media sells us the concept of a “soul mate” – but they’re made, through shared experiences, not found. I believe this leads people to look for perfection that doesn’t exist, which is in the best interests of advertisers who tell us to “be our best”, but we’re chasing rainbows.

The publishing industry writes books or articles for women about how to be sexy for a man and cater to his every whim, and writes books or articles for men about how to seduce women and sleep with as many as possible. They’ve set us up for a gender war that is playing out particularly right now and neither sex will ever win. And just to keep everyone on side, they tell average looking women and poor men that it’s personality that counts – but it’s not because that’s not the message the entire world is being sold.

Both women and men are encouraged to settle for the very best, and as above, the very best is decided by advertisers and the media. It’s as if no one knows their place any more because we are all to pretend that it’s what’s inside that counts. But it’s not in our current climate! If people chased people at the same level of “attractiveness” (e.g. looks, values, money, upbringing, etc.) to them they’d have more chance of meeting someone who wanted to be with them. However in the current climate this will never happen because people feel that they “deserve” a hottie.

Too many people walk away from each other when the lust fades. I believe that the two-year honeymoon period was given to us by nature so that men and women would stick together for the birth of a baby until it was breast-fed. But this two-year relationship is a particular tragedy for women in their thirties and forties because all too often they don’t get to have babies. (Don’t even get me started on how we’ve forgotten what sex is for, and how women are cheated out of what their biology craves.)

After people walk away from lust, there’s a period where many of them hate the opposite sex. If you’ve been single for a long time, you’ve probably met them, and been used or played as a result. This perpetuates the war of the sexes and the ill feeling. Meeting someone does come down to timing, because there are a lot of secretly wounded people walking around who want nothing more than to wound you for wrongs their ex’s inflicted on them – then they can move onto the person they’re really going to love. (Rebound relationships, anyone?) Infuriatingly, we don’t condemn this behaviour, we encourage it: the only way to get over someone is to get under someone new, says the media.

With the advent of the nuclear family (and yes, it is something that was invented) we’ve somehow decided that men and women don’t have to be each other’s everything, and in fact, they shouldn’t be. Look around at other cultures: the women get emotional intimacy from other women, and the men get emotional intimacy from other men. It’s only in the West that we expect ONE person to meet our EVERY demand as we live in isolation with only our partner and children, if we have them, as opposed to our extended family or village. It’s preposterous.

Anything goes in the anarchic world of dating, because there’s no societal shame for rude, dehumanising behaviour. Can’t be bothered calling a person back when you said you would for a date? Don’t! Just keep them hanging. Don’t really like the person who asked you on a date? Ah well, just ignore their invitation. Society shames philanderers and other sorts who are married – dating is still very much looked at as a teenager’s sport or a money making exercise (see: online dating.)

At the same time, single people are blamed for atrocities that would put anyone off dating. You got used? You obviously let them do it. The general population overlooks the fact that “players” are emotional CON men and women. What happened to honour? Once upon a time you could be shamed for leading someone on. Now it’s okay to blame the victim who was lured into have sex with false promises and thrown away like a piece of trash.

Which leads me neatly onto the fact that men and women are products now – we’re not people. We’re PACKAGES. On the dating MARKET. With a USE BY DATE. And a VALUE. This encourages the objectification of humans, I believe, and encourages a consumerist attitude. TRY BEFORE YOU BUY. TAKE A RAIN CHECK FOR A RAINY DAY. UPGRADE. And just like any free market, some people have more perceived value than others, which are the people that everyone wants.

Overlooked, I was in a similar position a few years back.
Met a woman who was recently divorced. We immediately hit it off. We had mutual intrests in a lot of things. She had
no children but was divorced twice. The more time I spent with her the more the REAL HER became evident. Of course
she blamed everything on her ex-husbands. In fact she hated one so much that she secretly went to see him while dating me! I’m not trying to scare you in any way. Just take it
one step at a time and don’t get too attached right away.
Believe me, crash landings are no fun. The fact that she
was with her ex for only a month should raise a red flag!
I know it’s exciting to finally meet someone after a long
search but you can’t let your guard down either. In my
situation I was just a stepping stone until another prospect
came along. I wish you only the best but you should approach this with caution!
If she’s genuinely interested in you she
will make an effort to call you. Keep your head my friend!

Overlooked:

Try to look at yourself from her perspective. What would a single mother in her late 20′s could want from a guy she never knew, but liked straight away nonetheless?

Hate to be negative, but this doesn’t look like a promising relationship start to me. Then again – I’ve hardly seen any.

Lonelygirl:

Despite your wonderful report on today’s media brain washing powers, it has also presented us with more problems than solutions.

What you’re saying is that you feel that you “deserve” a hot guy? I don’t think so.
I believe that lonely people (and girls) only ask for a person they are compatible with.
And to put it clearly, let me give you my basic requirements:

A person who has a healthy way of life. No junk food(most of the time at least), no smoking. Few extra pounds I can live with, but overweight is a big no. A semi intelligent person is alright, but someone with bit more bolts in their bucket would be great. Responsibility is something I value and desire greatly. Why would I want a partner who’d be ready to abandon the ship after the first ice cube hits. Last but not least – physical attraction. Although beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder, if a person doesn’t feel even remotely attractive to me, I can’t really think about starting a relationship. However, I’ve also come to realize that people really can “grow” on you and at one point physical attraction is rendered useless and thus replaced by the inner image of that individual. So…

I think it’s safe to say that we’re all looking for similar traits in the people we meet. And those are only spawned by common sense. I could ask for superior looks, intelligence and even sense of humor (rarely seen in women), but I’m being real here.

Thanks for all your input, really.
As far as her having the kid at 20 with a guy she barely knew, sure it was careless, but mistakes are pretty common for everyone, so I don’t think it’s fair to judge her on one thing she did 9 years ago. Plus, raising a child has a way of forcing someone to grow up.

And she’s a very dedicated mother. She helps with the homework, worries about his self esteem, and all that other good stuff. She loves him a lot, and I can tell.

She’s stable in terms of having what she needs right now, but part of why I like her so much is that she’s always thinking ahead to the next step in her life, right now she’s hoping to expand on her career and work exclusively in the city instead of all the running around she does.

I don’t question her maturity, or the strength of her character, it’s just that I can’t tell if her heart really has any room for me. I’ve never had any luck ‘reading’ women, they’re a complete mystery to me. As I said before, she is very busy, so maybe she just hasn’t taken the time to think about it yet.

I’m trying to be positive and give her the benefit of the doubt, but it’s so hard, especially since we all know how long it can take a woman to make up her mind.

KolinskySable,
I agree with you on what the basis of attraction should be, but it’s not as simple as just looking at the inside first.

When I met the woman I eventually married, that’s all I did. She was a great person, and that was all I needed at the time, but as things got strained between us, I realized that part of the reason was that I simply didn’t find her attractive. Granted, my marriage was a thundering failure all around, so I can’t really be expected to know what I’m talking about.

What I’m trying to say is that physical attraction is pivotal. Especially on the female side of things. A woman wants to feel and be told that she’s beautiful. She wants to feel sexy. They want to be able to drive their man to a lustful, passion-filled frenzy with just a look.

It’s not shallow to look at the outside first. It’s shallow to never look beyond it.

Overlooked: I feel you, man. If we were young, your decision would have been easy. You could have either gone for it or said “fuck it” and moved on to something or someone else. The young feel like they have all the time in the world, and coupled with what what they think is an endless stream of options they don’t feel like they have to care.
Jump to now and I’m not saying we are old. We all have plenty to offer someone. But now we know better, and we’ve gone through a lot. We are wiser, maybe too wise. Now we know what the best options are but feel like it all has to matter, it can’t be love fast food. And we don’t have the same networks, and as you read here a good person can be hard to find. You may feel the beginnings of something great but are scared because it may not give you a warm fuzzy. You might have to wait a little for her to reveal herself to you, and you’re afraid of what it may be. And you might be afraid of investing the time for something that might not work. So you want to know a lot now, and it’s driving you nuts.

Set a reasonable timetable for yourself for certain milestones to happen
and while you shouldn’t push too hard, be open with her and try to work with her towards it. If at that point it ain’t happening and she doesn’t want to, move on with dignity and make sure you’re upfront and honest with her about it. If this seems harsh, she is doing the same thing but at a different pace.

If you’re the batter in a major league baseball game with people on base and a 3 ball, 2 strike count your mind is gonna go nuts wondering what he is gonna throw and how hard he is gonna throw it. Experience and good coaching has prepared you for this but, in reality, you really only have .3 seconds to decide and he might still strike you out. Even the best players do. Love is like that.

but their is always tomorrow. I sit on the edge of my bed every morning dressed and ready for the day wondering how i will put on a happy face and make it through. I don’t know how or why but I always make it.

Holy crap, Aiden.
You totally hit the nail on the head with that one. That whole first paragraph was pretty much spot on.

It’s now been 2 nights without talking to her. But what does that mean? Is that 2 nights she chose not too, or 2 nights she forgot all about me?

I’m being told to let her come to me, because women like to chase, so that’s why I’m leaving the ball in her court. But what if she’s not the typical girl? What if me not calling is sending the signal that I’m not interested? But then I remember that it was her that made initial contact with me, but maybe that wasn’t typical behavior for her.

There are so many variables that I’m all spun around with craziness and uncertainty, which will probably only make me screw things up anyway.

On the plus side, I am sort of getting used to letting things go. The first night I did the girl thing and waited by the phone intently, but tonight, I had more of a ‘if it happens, it happens’ mentality.

I think the root of my problem is control. Right now, she has it. I’m at a disadvantage because I have no clue what she’s thinking or wanting or looking for. This really sucks.

You made that decision when you woke up and got dressed;).

Re: Overlooked

Take my advise, these days there is no hide and seek. If you like someone you call them and if they like they will call you too. If they are not interested to you, you will feel it, If you like them you may let your feeling fool you once but it will not fool you always. With that said, move a head and call her and find out how she is doing and what her plans for the weekend, and you never know you may spend the weekend with her.

Being a mother for a nine old son, is not a problem but the problem is if she is looking for a father for her son not a partner so just be careful and let us know.

Dee,
I always did hate the idea of ‘letting her call me’. It feels too much like playing games and that’s something I despise greatly.

You’d think that she’d want both a father for her son and a partner for herself in the same package, right?

Thanks. I think I’ll call her tomorrow, but what should I do if we end up meeting? Go with the flow, or ask her the serious questions? As much as I want to understand her intentions, I also want her to know mine.

Overlooked

Do not go with the flow let the flow go with you. Take her out try to know her better stay away from any physical harmony, she may be hot but being hot is one thing in a person. Try to know who is she, do not tell her everything about yourself try to take it a step by a step. And remembered that you are Good and you will offer the person you are with great qualities.
Do not say to yourself, “Hey man, I should tell her everything, she is hot and God knows i may not found a person like her, I should be proud of myself that someone like her is thinking about me”, Self Self Self confidence is a key for your relationship to successes.

Thanks again Dee,

The problem with going out is she usually has her son, so ‘in dates’ are all she can do. Not only that she has yet to even introduce me to son, I’d think that’s bad, but we only did just meet.

Overlooked

Just take it easy for now and it is a good sign that she care for her son which imply that she will care for you too if you both end up being together, just remember not to stress yourself and everything will work for you.

Overlooked et al…. Live and let live.
As for the baseball analogy… I’m sitting on a fastball with a 3-2 count waiting to put it in the seats.

Like Reggie Jackson, I might strike out a lot swinging big but when I hit, it’s big!!!

Dating should just be fun. Just relax, enjoy what you can do now. Don’t overthink things. Don’t set high expectations for yourself or for the other person. Just have fun and enjoy the moment, be yourself, its the best we can do. If it develops into something more, GREAT, if it doesn’t hopefully you have another friend in your life.

Lucy has good advice. If it’s supposed to be, things will
fall into place. If she is just looking for a Sugar Daddy
you’ll know soon enough. Don’t force the issue whatever
you do. Let things play out and don’t beat yourself up
over it. Believe me, it’s not worth agonizing over!

Well, I was right.

She called me tonight and told me all about how things are going to be tough with her career and her son acting out. She pretty much kept repeating herself until I called her out on it.

I said ‘I figure this is your way of telling me that you need space.’ She said yes.
Then I said ‘It’s fine, I know you don’t actually like me.’
She said ‘I think you’re a great person and I still like hanging out with you. We’re still friends.’

What a load of crap. I was insulted at how she danced around the issue. I knew what she was getting at right away.

I called her back a little later and asked if I’d done anything wrong, and she said that it was just a lack of chemistry. I guess she was too wrapped in all the kissy, touchy fun at first, and taking that 2 day break made her realize that I’m just not her guy.

This hurts so bad. I should be used to this by now, but every time it happens again it gets worse. I feel like I;m dying inside.

Ok everybody…. I got a response from the woman in regards to the hallmark card. She loved it. We have a date for tomorrow night. I have no expectations, but at the same time, I feel incredible. I feel so high on the best drug. I am just going to enjoy the time spent with her because it is a blessing. I can’t describe the feeling I have when I am around her. I think you all know that feeling. I will savor every minute. Whether I have 3 dates or a lifetime, it will be worth it.

Overlooked…I’m sorry brother.

Hoping is the worst.

I get hopeful, and then I hurt more when it inevitably falls apart. But there’s always that little part of me that says ‘This might be it, this could be her.’

It never is.

Jimmy, good luck, seriously. If just one of us on this sorry blog can make it work, maybe there is a chance for the rest of us.

Overlooked, I’m sorry too.

I’m on a house committee for club here. And we’re going out on the 20th for our xmas party, all the bartenders and other committee members. 21 of us. 22 if I had a date. Wanted to deck one of the bartenders when she said.. oh.. don’t you have some lonely girl friend at work or that would want to go? She’s lucky I didn’t hit her. Now I feel like I’m on a mission to find a date, any date to go with me. This sucks.

Sorry Overlooked. I guess a couple things stuck me. She did at least call you and was honest so IMHO that showed at least some respect for you. The rejection part still hurts but at least she didn’t just blow you off. The other thing is how much this effects you. Since you are really struggling have you ever given any thought to spending to someone…therapist or a relationship couch. I toss it out there as someone who has spent time in couples theraphy and then personal theraphy. Obviously it doesn’t cure things over night (if that were the case I wouldn’t be doing those Google searches about loniliness) but it can be helpful in identifying things you do both wrong and right when it comes to women. Realize that couch time isn’t for everyone!

Spending – speaking. Beat from work these days so I’m typo full.

@Jimmy – Great news!!

Good luck Jimmy!! Here we r again overlooked and I had a little hope there for a few seconds and now we r in shitville. Lucy I am facing your same problem now. The last week of December I am going to a christmas party for work. Everyone including the owners 13 yr old son will have a date. My friend asked if I was going stag again and I told him rite now I’m living day to day and I’ll have to see how I feel. So my question is to you Lucy. Do we attend these parties alone and put on our happy face? We have worked hard this year and deserve a party as much as anyone else. Or do we stay home and avoid the feelings we will no doubt feel when we see the happy couples? I don’t know if I can be the funny guy again. I’m fucking miserable!!!!

Chad we are here for you, just have us as your imaginiary dates

Dee,
You have a very kind heart! I appreciate your comment and hope you have a wonderful holiday season!

Thank you

I’m not your date chad, I’m straight.

I’m always the funny guy too. Girls say they want a sense of humor, what they fail to mention is that it also has to be someone who’s not me.

Thanks everyone for your sympathies, at least I’m not the only one who knows what this is like.

Nina,

Thanks for the suggestion, but I’ve been to therapy before, it didn’t really help, my therapist told me the same crap you here from any jerk on the street about self confidence and whatnot.

So we’re all pretty miserable, right? Anyone have any good sad songs to listen to? As cliched as it is, I find sad, depressing music to be quite therapeutic. I can listen, be depressed and get it out of my system. I’ll throw one at you guys:
Storms by Fleetwood Mac(a great song regardless of your mood)