The role of an ex
I have to admit, I’m horrible at breakups. It doesn’t matter if I’m the dumper or the dumpee, I find breakups to be very hard to deal with. Either I’m breaking her heart or she’s breaking mine; both options suck. There’s the guilt of being the one to end it and the endless questions associated with watching someone else walk away. Perhaps the hardest thing is to figure out where the ex belongs in your life.
I’ve always been of the mind that it’s up to the person who got dumped to decide if there’s a role for the other person in their life. After all, the other person made the decision to leave, it seems only fair to give the dumpee the power to make a decision as well. In some cases, it would be nice to be friends while in others you need the person out of your life as quickly as possible. Maybe you’ll be acquaintances. Maybe friends with benefits. Maybe good friends. Or maybe, there is no role for you whatsoever. It’s this that I’ve struggled with.
When I’m in a relationship with someone, it means that I’m not only attracted to her, but I like her as a person. My girlfriend has to be my friend in addition to my lover. So breaking up with a girl also necessarily means losing a good friend. At times, I’ve tried to keep the friend part while leaving the lover part…that tends not to work so well. Other times I give up both completely as the ex walks out of my life forever.
Perhaps the hardest thing to deal with is the resurfacing of an ex when you least expect it. You’ve just gotten over him or her and next thing you know, they appear in front of your face. There’s an awkward silence as you try to decide what to do. Do you pretend like you don’t see her? Do you just smile and wave as you walk by? Or do you stop and have a conversation?
It could also be that someone mentions your ex to you: “Oh, I ran into so-and-so. He/she looks good and seems to be doing well.” Hearsay ex stories are hard to stomach, especially if the ex is with someone else. You’d like to think that their world fell apart and they’d never love again after you, but we all know it’s not true. We’d also like to think that they didn’t go on to be successful because how would that be possible with out us?
I’ve always thought of ex’s as guest stars on the sitcom that is my life. Sitcom guest stars typically come in and date one of the main characters for a few episodes and then, when they break up, just disappear. They don’t go anywhere, those guest star ex’s, they just cease to exist. Their story stops right then and there; they don’t go on to do anything else. It must be nice as the main character, knowing that your ex just drops off the face of the earth and will never date anyone else or that you’ll never have an awkward run-in around town. That character’s role is done and so there is nothing else.
In reality, of course, we are each main characters in our own sitcom. I was a guest star in her life just as she was a guest star in mine. Really, we’re just spinoffs of that story we made when we were together, each going our own way with some of the same characters and situations. And so the question remains: how do your ex’s fit into your life?
Agree? Disagree? Leave a comment!
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