Compliance in dating
Compliance is a very interesting topic. So interesting, in fact, that psychologists still study it to this day. The definition of compliance is, “the act or process of complying to a desire, demand, proposal, or regimen or to coercion”. What is it that makes people do things that other people ask? It could be a feeling, it could be a logical thought process, but either way you are being compliant.
There are two ways that compliance appears in the dating arena: compliance testing and compliance training. Compliance testing appears during the courting phase of dating, when two people first meet. It’s not necessarily a girl thing or a guy thing; both genders do it. You’re compliance testing when you try to get someone to do something for you. The classic example is a girl asking a guy to buy her a drink. Whether compliance is a good thing or a bad thing is completely up to the person doing the testing. Some people get turned off by people who too quickly try to please them while, for others, they don’t believe that someone likes them until they’ve complied to some menial demand.
Compliance training is the next step of the process. Research has found that you can actually train someone to be compliant with you. It works like this: a person is more likely to comply to your suggestion if they’ve previously complied to one of your suggestions. The interesting thing about compliance training is that it doesn’t matter how small the first suggestion was so long as the person complies. Put simply, you’re more likely to let me borrow your car if you’ve let me borrow your pen previously. The suggestions need not even be related. For example, I could ask you to move your chair a little so I could get by and later ask you out. Research indicates that you are more likely to say “yes” than if I didn’t ask you to move your chair at all.
There is so much evidence backing up compliance training that true pickup artists use it as a seduction technique. They’ll approach, ask you to hold their drink for a minute while they get something out of their pocket, and next thing you know, you’re back at their place. What happened? Chances are that after you complied to the first suggestion, he continued asking you to do small things, eventually building up to inviting you back to his place.
Both compliance testing and compliance training can be intentional or subconscious; there are truly some people who do both without having an understanding of what they’re doing. Generally speaking, girls are more likely to subconsciously spend time compliance testing/training than guys. You can typically see this in any bar or any place where the alcohol is flowing freely: girls running up to guys and asking them to do something silly. It’s a game to see which guys will do what for them, and we fall for it all the time. Someone who wants our attention is interesting, so we buy you or your friends a drink. Little do we know that by doing so, we are far more likely to give in to other requests in the future.
Since you can’t really tell whether or not people want compliance, it’s best to try to strike a balance. The first step is to recognize when you’re being tested. Asking you to do anything is a compliance test, regardless of how small. As long as the request involves you doing something for the other person, it’s a compliance test. Some of the subtler compliance tests:
- Offering up a hand for a handshake/high five/etc. If you take it, you’re being compliant.
- Asking to wait somewhere for a minute while they go do something. If you stay there, you’re compliant.
- Inviting you along somewhere. If you go, you’re compliant.
- Stating that you should do something, such as: “hey, come here and help me clean this.” If you help, you’re compliant.
- Putting something on you. For example, if someone came up and put a necklace around your neck and you leave it there, you’re compliant.
To achieve compliance balance, you should openly accept the polite compliance tests such as a handshake and turn down the overt ones such as buying someone a drink. Not knowing whether someone is going to comply is very seductive; it makes people want to understand you better. Why did you do one thing but not another? What are the boundaries? The key thing is that you can’t turn down every test without seeming uncaring and uncompromising. Predictable behavior is boring.
You can also use compliance testing/training to your advantage. If you’ve met someone that you would like to date, start the tests immediately. Be the one who offers your hand first; be the one to say “high five” and put up your hand; be the one who asks someone to hold your drink while you do something else. Later, when you finally ask to meet up, that person is more likely to agree.
Understanding how compliance testing and compliance training work can really change your dating life and how you interact with people. At the very least, you should be more aware of how your own compliance behavior is affecting the people you come into contact with.
Agree? Disagree? Leave a comment!
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