Should You Settle?
A friend just sent me this article from Lori Gottlieb about “settling for Mr. Good Enough.” In it, she writes (bold emphasis mine):
Every woman I know—no matter how successful and ambitious, how financially and emotionally secure—feels panic, occasionally coupled with desperation, if she hits 30 and finds herself unmarried.
…
Whether you acknowledge it or not, there’s good reason to worry. By the time 35th-birthday-brunch celebrations roll around for still-single women, serious, irreversible life issues masquerading as “jokes” creep into public conversation: Well, I don’t feel old, but my eggs sure do! or Maybe this year I’ll marry Todd. I’m not getting any younger!
…
My advice is this: Settle! That’s right. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection. Don’t nix a guy based on his annoying habit of yelling “Bravo!” in movie theaters. Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics. Because if you want to have the infrastructure in place to have a family, settling is the way to go. Based on my observations, in fact, settling will probably make you happier in the long run, since many of those who marry with great expectations become more disillusioned with each passing year. (It’s hard to maintain that level of zing when the conversation morphs into discussions about who’s changing the diapers or balancing the checkbook.)
Wow. I’ll bet this is causing quite a stir.
What do you think? Is this the right approach? If you’re a 30+ single woman, should you settle? Since many women in this category typically have an established career already, they can afford to wait for the right man. But then there’s always the nagging tic-toc of the biological clock.
Me, I don’t think anyone should ever feel like they’ve settled. What a horrible word. What a horrible feeling. Imagine being the guy who is the settlee. Imagine thinking that your wife chose you just because you happened to be there, not because she really loves you. I’d rather go through life with a string of meaningless sex, hard drugs, and angry rock-n-roll than to feel my wife settled for me.
However, there’s a peanut of wisdom inside this ugly turd. It’s about expectations and standards. While it’s important to hold true to your core values and standards, there’s a real danger in being stubborn with unrealistic expectations. When that happens, you may inadvertantly pass by someone who’s great, leaving you wondering if he was The One.
Let me give you an example. In my opinion, every trait is a double-edged sword. Know a girl who’s very honest? Maybe she’s also brutally direct, seemingly without tact. Know a girl who’s very adventurous? Maybe she’s also easily bored and needs to be constantly stimulated. Know a girl who’s very talkative? Maybe she doesn’t know when to shut up when you need some peace & quit. Every trait has a positive and negative side, just like every magnet has a positive and negative. And sooner or later, that negative side is going to rub you the wrong way.
This means that all relationships become a matter of compromise, tolerance, and acceptance - while holding true to the core traits & values you really want in a significant other. Knowing where to draw the line between where you should compromise and where you shouldn’t is tough, I ain’t gonna front. But it’s something we all learn as we date and get hurt and date again.
I suspect that’s what Gottlieb was really trying to say. Don’t be unrealistic. Know when to compromise. Keep your standards in check and be reasonable about what you want and don’t want. But whatever you do, please, don’t ever settle.
Agree? Disagree? Leave a comment!
Related Posts
If you enjoyed this post, please consider to leave a comment or subscribe to the feed and get future articles delivered to your feed reader.
Comments
No comments yet.
Leave a comment