Introduction to pursuit theory
Somewhere on a playground, a little girl pinches a little boy and then turns and runs away. The little boy gives chase. He’s not entirely sure why he’s chasing her, or what he’ll do if and when he catches her, but he does it anyway. He doesn’t even stop to think about it, all he knows is that he must chase her. She, on the other hand, only knows she wants him to chase after her. The only way to do this is to invite him to do so, but not through words. No, she invites him through actions. Should he give up chasing her, she’ll turn around and pinch him again to restart the event. Neither the little boy nor the little girl are thinking much about what they’re doing or why it’s important to them; this behavior is seemingly in their DNA. This is the very basis of pursuit theory.
Pursuit theory is my way of describing how men and women should behave in order to attract suitable dating material. The idea is to weed out those who aren’t all that interested or those who are just interested in sex. I’ve developed this theory as the go-to guy for dating advice for my friends over the course of years and it rarely disappoints. The best thing about it is its simplicity. The only thing you need to remember is this: the guy’s role is to pursue the girl and the girl’s role is to invite the guy to pursue.
Note the subtle difference here. The girl should not be doing the pursuing at all, she should simply be letting the guy know that she wants to be pursued. This is really important to keep the balance of power where it should be: with the girl. There are a lot of guys who are really good at getting girls to pursue them; this is the typical pickup artist mentality. The trouble is that most of them are just after sex, and once they get it, they’re on to the next challenge. As a guy with a lot of female friends, I’ve seen this pattern repeated over and over again to devastating effects. For girls, making the guy pursue you is the best way to discern his intentions. Most guys who are just after sex won’t put forth much effort in pursuing you, so making them do some work initially can quickly weed them out.
On the guy’s side, you need to be prepared to pursue the girl. That means you call her, you pick out date locations, you indicate your intent. You also need to be on the lookout for invitations to pursue her or indications to back off. Whenever she invites you to do something, that means you should pursue. Invitations may be small such as, “why don’t you join us?” or large such as her giving you her number. Failing to pursue her after an invitation likely means that your window of opportunity has passed.
Pursuit theory goes after what seems to be the core interaction between guys and girls, the same interaction that first presents itself on elementary school playgrounds around the world. For some reason, guys like to pursue things while girls love to make others pursue them. Feeding this nature puts both parties into their comfort zones and things tend to move fairly smoothly. It’s a game of give and take where the players both understand the rules.
Now, some will consider this old-fashioned, and maybe even too strict. I’d invite you to give it a chance, though, before dismissing it. I’ve seen it work for many of my friends, and I’m confident it can work for you. There are some subtle nuances to this approach that I’ll be discussing in the future. For now, let the theory swirl around in your head and see if it resonates with you.
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Related Posts
- Pursuit Theory: The first phone call
- Pursuit theory: The girl’s role
- Pursuit theory: The guy’s role
- Making a game of the goal
- DITCH those who go DUTCH
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Comments
I like the analogy of children as well, because dating really is much easier than most people make it out to be. There’s a lot of trying too hard, acts of desperation, and other issues that sneak into the dating scene without being welcome.
As with most decisions, it’s always possible for things to end badly. That doesn’t mean you stop making them. You may have pursued the wrong girl or not noticed the signs that you should stop pursuing her. I’ll be going into this dynamic more in the coming weeks.
In the meantime, I’d advise you to not be afraid of making mistakes. It’s the fear that can ultimately ruin your dating life. Let go of the fear and you’ll see there’s little you can’t accomplish.
Ok Mr. Taylor, here’s one for ya… I usually spend a lot of time with the boys, in fact two of my closest friends are boys. One of them started to say little things or do little things (like holding my hand) that made me think he wanted to move things forward. I had never thought about it before, but since I set my mind in that direction I have realized that there is no one else I would want to be with. Now that I have tried giving him his chance to pursue time and time again he just won’t go in for the chase. To make matters worse, our other friends have noticed his behavior towards me and if they ask him about us he either says we are just friends or doesn’t give a straight answer and then changes the subject. He tells everyone he just wants to be my friend, but “friendship” is not what I see in his eyes every time he looks at me. I am pretty perceptive and good with reading body language, and there is not a chance I am misreading him. Yet, still single.
Hi kris,
Ok, sorry that if I may be butting in and giving you unsolicited advice on your question. So if you do not want to hear my point of view, definitely stop reading here.
. . . so if you are continuing to read then here’s my feedback:
Your dilemma strikes a cord with me because I have some really close platonic girl friends (pgf). Therefore, I have been in your situation a number of times. The friends that have stuck, have stuck for two good reasons: communication and commitment.
First off, I feel as though many people get confused over intimate feelings of friendship and passionate feelings of lust. Crossing the platonic line can potentially end a friendship. Therefore, it is not something to “just experiment” or “try” if it stems from loneliness, horniness, or curiosity. It takes tremendous self insight to distinguish between all of your feelings.
Guy/girl platonic relationships come with innate challenges. It takes a lot of work to build and maintain. A lot of people do not understand that two people of opposite genders can be intimate as friends but not romantically involved. Figuring out where you stand with your platonic friends takes a lot of courage and is vitally important to your relationship.
For every one of my close female friends, there was a point where we had the Define The Relationship (DTR) talk. These were very intimate and vulnerable conversations, however, it nurtured and strengthened our relationship. For me, I was clear with them that I just wanted a platonic friendship. Therefore, when I did something sweet or thoughtful, it would not be construed as romantic. It may have looked romantic to others but it was more important that my pgf knew my true intentions.
Therefore, the main question is: do you want this guy as your friend or your boyfriend? If you just want to be friends, then I would suggest having a talk with him. Explain to him about the feelings that come up for you when he holds your hand or looks at you in a certain way. Be very clear about what you want out of the relationship. If he is a good friend or one that is worth investing in, then he will respect your wishes. Hopefully, he, too, will tell you of his intentions or what his actions meant.
Now, if he was flirting with you and has a romantic interest then he may be hurt that you do not feel the same way. However, if his priority is the friendship he has with you, then knowing that should heal the pain. If for some reason, he blows up and gets angry that you do not feel the same way, then that is a sign that maybe he is not mature enough to have this type of friendship with you.
Anyway, all of my friendships and relationships go through their own growing pains. It is very natural. The people who are close to me, trust in our relationship, so we are able to be vulnerable and work out our disagreements and misconceptions. It’s tough but definitely worth it. Good luck!
Thank you very much for your unsolicited advice, lol. At this point I am willing to take any advice I can get.
I understand what you’re saying about my friend and I having to have “the talk,” and as badly as I want that conversation to happen, I am more afraid of his reaction. Not that I am afraid of getting rejected, but rather of pushing him away. He is the kind of guy who always protects and takes care of everything and everyone. I’m not sure if a girl making the first move wouldn’t threaten his role as the man and completely turn him off. If there is a chance he wants to take things to the next level then I don’t want to scare him off before he is ready for it.
I want him to be my guy. I have never been one to confuse friendship with intimacy. I am not the kind of girl who is with a guy just for the physical benefits. I truly believe that a couple can not connect physically if they can not connect well on all other levels. I want this guy to be more than just my friend. I want a chance to try and make him happy. If there is a good way to tell him that and to find out his own intentions, please let me know.
Hey kris,
Since I do not know the specifics and history of your relationship with your friend, it is a little difficult to give you advice on what specific thing to do. However, I can give you a guide and ultimately, it is up to you to use your better judgment and do what feels right. So with that said, here are some things that popped out at me:
“Not that I am afraid of getting rejected, but rather of pushing him away”
First of all, I wonder how close the two of you are. If you have a strong friendship than having intimate talks as these can be an opportunity to strengthen your relationship. I think it takes a lot of courage and trust to see friendships all the way through. If he is meant to be in your life (either as friend or boyfriend), he should be able to talk to you about sensitive topics.
“I’m not sure if a girl making the first move wouldn’t threaten his role as the man and completely turn him off.”
Well, you know him better than I do, so you would know whether making a move would threaten his manhood. I don’t think making a first move should be equated with being a man, however in your situation, I do agree that he should probably do most of the pursuing. Part of the attraction for guys is the pursuit but it’s not the only thing. Also, in general, if a guy likes you that much, he will pursue.
On a side note, You might also want to ask yourself if such a masculine man who is strict with gender roles is something that you value.
“I want a chance to try and make him happy.”
It sounds like you really like him. So do you think you may be interested in him more than he is interested in you?
In the past, when I was infatuated with someone, I would interpret every look and gesture as a sign of interest. However, I later found out that she was not interested in me, so it was all a projection of my wishes for her to like me. So hopefully this example can help you see if you like him as much as he likes you.
“If there is a good way to tell him that and to find out his own intentions, please let me know.”
So I understand that you don’t want to make a first move, which I completely honor. I do want to point out that there are things that you can do that are not technically making the moves. The next time he gives you that “look” or hold your hand, you can give him positive feedback like a smile or your “look” back. If he flirts, flirt back. I’m sure you are smart enough and know him well enough to understand what signals he will and will not get. If you want to up it a notch, you can tell him, “It’s nice when you hold my hand.” If you want to see what his intentions are, then you can ask him, “So when you look at me that way, what are you thinking?” or “I’ve noticed that you’ve been holding my hand a lot recently . . .”
Anyway, those are some suggestions and you should definitely take it with a grain of salt. Apply them specifically to your situation and adjust them as you see fit.
That’s pretty good advice. I like how honest you are. It was definitlely useful and I will see what comes of it. Thank you so much for all your help!
It appears I’m a little bit late to this party (apologies, as I’ve been in the process of moving and only recently got back online). I’m going to respond to your original questions, Kris. Since this is a comment on the pursuit theory post, I’m assuming you’d like advice about how that applies your situation.
I too have pursued and been burned, if you’re a guy, it’ll probably happen one time or another. You’re stuck in the position you’re in because he’s not fulfilling his role in the pursuit. As the female in the pursuit, you want him to pursue you and not the other way around.
A lot of what Mr. Ethical Slut suggests plays directly into pursuit theory. What you need to do is let him know that it’s okay to pursue because the chance of success is high. You can make a comment when he holds your hand, or even suggest that you hang out separately. A simple kiss on the cheek and a, “call me tomorrow,” can work wonders for this type of situation. Pepper your conversations with invitations to call you, get together, etc. That’s your role in the pursuit.
Just be careful of how long you lay out invitations. If he’s not picked up on your first few invitations, he probably won’t. Though the uncertainty of the situation makes it all the more enticing, there will be a time where it becomes tiring. Ultimately, if he’s not willing or able to come out of his shell and make a move, he’s probably not the right one for you.
Best of luck!
I appreciate all the feedback on my situation… honestly I assumed I wouldn’t hear anything, but figured it was worth a shot anyway. In case you two are anxiously awaiting the results of my newfound knowledge, I thought I should warn you that I won’t see this man for another couple of weeks until school starts up again. However, I have been preparing for (or should I say plotting for) my new advantageous flirtations. Hopefully, when the time comes I will have the confidence to be bold enough in my position of pursuit. And if not.. I’ll fake it. Just thought I would thank you gentleman again for your advice, and I will try to keep you updated. If there is anything you wish to know about the female species, please feel free to ask. I could probably give you a tip or two. 
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How do us girls who don’t know how to flirt encourage the guys to pursue us.
I have never had the opportunity to experience any flirting and as a result have no idea how to “give hints” I want to be chased.
Should I run up to them and pinch them and run off again?
Mary
So what happens if you’re a guy who is single in his 30s that used to pursue girls (women) but it ultimately led to a miskate with devastating results? His desire to pursue is completely gone, and caution at hesitance prevail at every instance. Or how about the girl who pinches a monster? She’ll become much more selective as to whom she pinches to the point that she won’t pinch anyone at all out of fear and concern.
The use of a child playground is a good analogy to the dating world, however it only applies to just that, children; or individuals new to the dating scene and have yet to make mistakes.