Is there hope for the gender gap?
We’ve all heard how men and women are so different. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Men are logical and women are emotional. Our attitudes, behaviors, wardrobe…everything is very different. Perhaps the most difficult differences to overcome are in our very basic needs. I’m not talking about food and shelter, but rather the social interaction we require from our mates.
Dr. Gary Smalley, a relationship expert, outlines each party’s needs in a relationship. According to Smalley, women’s needs in a relationship are as follows:
- Emotional and physical security. Women need men to be their rock, they want to know that we’ll come to their rescue whenever they need rescuing. You don’t always need to punch any guy that looks at her, but she’d like to know that you would if necessary.
- Regular and meaningful communication. Women want to understand their partner in every way. They want to know what we’re thinking, what we’re feeling, how our day was, what happened since last they saw us. This is important and necessary for women to feel close to their men. Yes, women want to know how your day was.
- Nonsexual touch. Men are typically accused of assuming that every kiss and carress is simply foreplay. Women understand that touch isn’t reserved for sex, it’s also for reassurance and safety. Movies are filled with moments where a woman asked a man just to hold her. She wants to know that you will touch her without expecting sex every time.
- Romance. There needs to be some excitement in the relationship. Most men cheat for the sex, most women cheat for the excitement and romance of it all. As men, we need to capture a woman’s mind to fulfill her needs. Small gestures such as flowers, surprise dinners, and thoughtful gifts go along way towards making a woman feel appreciated, happy, and content.
On the flip side, Smalley identifies three basic needs for men in relationships:
- To feel respected and admired. Our egos are fragile, we want women to think the world of us. We need our partners to slightly be in awe of us and think that we’re something special. Most men won’t admit to this, but we all feel this way. We want that adoring gaze from our partner and want to think that she’s telling her friends how wonderful we are.
- To be loved and desired. We want to know that you want us. Even if there’s no possibility of sex, we want to know that you’re at least thinking about us in that way. Further, we want to know that you accept us for the way we are.
- To have sexual intimacy regularly. No big surprise here; men need frequent sex. On some level, this is the major way that we feel worthwhile in the relationship. Do men place an extraordinary value on sex? Absolutely. No sex means that you don’t like us that much, and that makes us upset.
Note that the two sets of needs seem to be almost at odds with each other. According to Smalley, men don’t need communication while women require it, thus the typical encounter at the end of the work day when the wife wants to hear about her husband’s day and the husband just wants to eat, relax, and forget about what happened.
Perhaps the more interesting, and difficult, issue to work out is the woman’s need for non-sexual touch and the man’s need for regular sexual intimacy. Trying to find a balance between the two is a task that faces many relationships. Men are very sexually-charged and almost any touch is enough to bring forth thoughts of torrid moments (I’ve been there…many times); women need to feel emotionally secure to be “in the mood,” which often requires non-sexual touch first. The problem is, of course, that the non-sexual touch becomes sexual once the man’s intent is added in.
Given all the differences between the genders, it’s amazing that anyone has successful relationships. Yet somehow, some way, millions of people have found a way to balance their needs and be together. We may never have a perfect relationship, but really, how boring would dating be if these differences didn’t exist?
Agree? Disagree? Leave a comment!
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