Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others

John Molloy, the author of the book “Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others“, just penned an article of the same name on MSNBC.com.

So why do men marry some women, and not others? According to Molloy, the answer is pretty simple: he’s not the marrying kind.

He’s Just Not Ready Yet

Most (but not all) men tend to feel ready several years after completing their education, whether it be high school, college, or graduate school. First, he’ll want to build his career, have fun, and date around. After that comes marriage.

Men who say they have fun dating and being single typically are not ready for marriage yet (no duh). The majority of those who are ready tend to stop hanging around the singles scene. They don’t go out solely to meet women anymore. In the back of their minds is their desire for something more, though they won’t readily admit it’s because they’re looking for marriage.

Straight from the article: “There is a point at which men are likely to be ready for the next step, but the specific age depends on the man’s maturity, education, and profession. … Once a man decides he’s too old for the singles scene, that part of his life is over, and he is more likely to marry.”

He May Not Ever be Ready

There are also men who may become bachelors for life. After a certain age – generally in the late thirties to early forties – if the man has never been married before, chances are he’ll never marry. He’s gotten used to the bachelor lifestyle and likes being on his own. This isn’t an absolute rule by any stretch; it’s just that the chances of them getting married drops drastically.

Then there are the stringers. Molloy describes a stringer as a man who “likes having a woman, sleeping with a woman, eating with a woman, possibly sharing his life with a woman without ever making a real commitment. He often tells women, up front, he never intends to marry, so if and when he decides he wants to cut out, she has no reason to complain.”

They want the companionship, but not the commitment. The dinner & dessert, but none of the dirty dishes. And they are often repeat offenders. If he has had several long-term relationships, chances are, he’s a stringer.

He’s a Diamond in the Rough

Molloy identifies another type of man: the diamond in the rough. This is the man in his late thirties to early forties who’s given up the idea of marriage – but not because he’s an eternal bachelor. It’s because he’s lacked one of three things: looks, height, or social skills. He’s been rejected and even demeaned so often by women that he doesn’t think he’ll ever meet someone.

While some women say they can overlook the looks and height, many have a hard time with the lack of social skills. And indeed, this lack limits his exposure to potential mates. But the few women who can see past this and bring a timid guy out of his shell, they’re often rewarded with a loyal lifelong partner.

His Parents are Divorced

Another unfortunate factor is the stability of the marriage of the man’s parents. Same goes for women as well. “We found that many single men and women in their late thirties and forties were products of divorce. With the men, in most cases their parents’ marriage broke up when they were young, and it seemed to have affected the way they looked at life.”

Many don’t believe in the institution of marriage. “It’s not all it’s cracked up to be,” they say. While living together is fine, many think that getting married will kill the romance of the relationship. This isn’t a blanket rule for all children of divorcees, of course. But it can be a pretty important determinant.

He Isn’t That Similar to You

Again, while not a blanket rule – men tend to marry women from the same socioeconomic background. The same goes for religion and politics. The more strongly the man holds his beliefs, the more likely he will tend towards a mate with similar beliefs.

In more independent- and individualistic-minded communities, men who live at home with their parents are less likely to marry than men with their own places. This can vary significantly with different cultures, of course.

If the man’s friends and older siblings are all unmarried, he is less likely to marry. The follow-the-leader syndrome can have a significant impact on the male psyche. “Seeing their friends marrying had clearly caused a change in their thinking. Those who said none of their male friends was married were two to three times as likely to tell our researchers they were not ready to marry.” Same goes for siblings.

What Does This Mean for You?

“To dramatically increase your chances of marrying you must seek out and date the marrying kind,” concludes Molloy.

These findings are all based on market research and statistical analysis. But there will always be exceptions to these findings. Just because you meet a man who’s in his late thirties, has divorced parents, is a Republican (and you’re a Democrat), doesn’t mean he’ll never marry. However – the statistics are against him.

6 thoughts on “Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others”

  1. “They want the companionship, but not the commitment. The dinner & dessert, but none of the dirty dishes. And they are often repeat offenders.”

    Sigh. Now I know why I end up doing the dishes. I thought it was because I enjoyed it.

  2. Repeat after me: “I will no longer do anyone’s dirty dishes! I will no longer do anyone’s dirty dishes! I will no longer do anyone’s dirty dishes!”

    Now go out and find the man you deserve!

  3. Time and time again I date guys that are not looking for the same thing that I am. Does anyone know a good dating service that members have the same goals ( long or short term relationship) and are open about it?

  4. I in a situation with a 48 year old boyfriend. We have been dating for over four and a half years. I went through a second divorce (second marriage was a mistake) and hoooked up with some old friends. He was one of the old friends. I wasn’t interested and he pursued and it was like lightning with us…we laughed alot and really enjoyed each other. After the divorce was final we both agreed to put in for another year at our apartments and make the move to be togehter. Marriage was discussed and the saying of “when the future takes us there” was always present. The year passed and at the end of needing to move or renew the lease he said he “just wasn’t ready” to get married and to move forward. I was stunned, what does a 48 year old have to be ready for? He took care of ever having children, had been in his job and would retire in about three or four years, has money in the bank to buy a house or to live off of in bad times and has a car. He was not going to school and needed to wait to finish college etc….he just wasnt ready. So, I said okay another six months and you should be able to make up your mind right? and he said, he would think so. The six months passed and he wasnt ready again. So, another three months on the lease and he was faced with major surgery. He had the surgery and I asked him what his thoughts were. We had looked at houses before in the district where my child attends, it was a motivation for me to get back there so she could be bussed, and have the sense of community with all the other kids and to keep continuity for her in the same school district, she was successful there with her grades and the counselors know of her situation with her father not being in her life for a year and a half. I had to drive her every morning to school and my mother picked her up after school. I needed the freedom of my child being picked up by the bus so I could work earlier hours. I get home at 6:30 every night and it is very late as a single parent right now. So, my boyfriend has issue with how expensive the district is to live in…but, there are townhomes to purchase under what he qualifies for but, he will not pay the association fees. There is a house with a garage that won’t fit his truck in the neighborhood we both like, it has a rubber roof and it is flat but, he is wigged out that something will happen to the rubber roof and it will leak and have a large cost to pay. There was another house in the same neighborhood that had asbestos shingles but, they are fine unless they are disturbed. There is a reason for every place and house we have seen. So, now I have to make a decision to cut it off or stay like this. I cannot continue. He wants a house that is “affordable” on one income. I have a fulltime good job and he is not taking my income into consideration at all. I am very frustrated. I put my trust, and believed him that we were going to move forward. I feel betrayed but,a guy who is too scared of change and to move forward. So, I move on and grieve the relationship but, know in my heart I did the right thing by not moving in with him to compensate struggling fiancially and also so my child did not see something that was morally not correct until we got married. So, I have no idea if he will ever move forward and I am wasting time…I am sad but, I have to do what I have to do for myself and my child. He has no idea what he is missing out on. I guess the article is correct that guys over fourty don’t typically get married. He has two single older guys and he has three married friends, one would think it would be different.

  5. I im in a similar situation, I have been dating with a 43 years old man. We are very great together, happy together but he doesnt want to get married. “He often tells women, up front, he never intends to marry, so if and when he decides he wants to cut out, she has no reason to complain. ” You are right. He told me up front that he has no interest in getting married. I lie to myself. I thought I could change his mine by my love and my caring but I was totally wrong. I have been broken up with him many time because of marriage to give him presure. But at the end, im the loser. Im still with him He gave me 2 choices” NO Marriage or you can break up if you want to, it’s your decision”. Im feel painful but Im not strong enough to leave him, i love him a lot. Anyway, Im making situation worse. I asked him that “do you love me”, He refused to answer and tell me. He is fine to see me cry all the time but NOT answer my question. I know he doesnt love me, he just likes me. I told him that if u dont answer me, it means you dont love me. He answered me that he didnt say it but it doesnt mean he didnt love me. Can you believe it? I dont think so. I have been with him 3 years but he has never said LOVE me even at once. 1 week ago, he confirmed with me that he doesnt want to get married ( in the past, when i asked him if u dont want to get married, i will break up and he answered me he is not sure or kept silent). Then I said if you dont want to get married, I accept but i want to move in with you so that i know you are serious with me (i come to his place and spend most of the time together), I want a key to your appartment. All what I get is a NO. i felt rejected. I cant keep lying to myself and keep building a hope that I can change his mind one day.All what you said are right, he is over 40, his parrents got divorced. At the moment ( im trying and it have been a week already), i still contact him, still come to his appartment when i need to do something, then i go back to my place and sleep, im trying my best not to spend over night at his place, im trying my best to forget him, I know I have to move on to the man I deserve, the man who loves me and need me. More than that, I have to respect myself, I cant keep doing this, I cant keep going with this relationship. If i dont respect myself, he will never does.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *