Why can’t we commit?
It seems like a bad time to want a monogamous relationship. With about half of all marriages ending in divorce, the dream of falling in love, marrying, and living happily ever after might be more of a pipe dream. So what exactly is the problem? Why is it that centuries of monogamy has degraded to the point where the word “commitment” means “5-7 years”? The answer can be summed up in one word: options.
Human beings are interesting creatures. We say that we want options all the time. I want to decide for myself. I feel like I have the right to choose. We go on and on about how important options are to us. The ironic thing is that too many options can lead to a state of paralysis. Two or three options is nice; more can become overwhelming.
Psychologist Barry Schwartz notes in his book, The Paradox of Choice, several interesting facts about choice:
As the number of choices keeps growing, negative aspects of having a multitude of options begin to appear. As the number of choices grows further, the negatives escalate until we become overloaded. At this point, choice no longer liberates, but debilitates. It might even be said to tyrannize.
In effect, we can become slaves to our options. And that’s precisely why we can’t commit.
If you were living in America several hundred years ago, chances are that you never really left your town. You grew up around a set of people from which you would eventually choose a mate. Your options were limited by age and geography, so the pool of potential suitors was relatively small. You’d rarely run into someone from another town and certainly not from more than a few miles away. Limited romantic options made monogamy easy. If things didn’t work out, you not only would have a hard time finding another partner, but you also couldn’t hide from your ex.
Fast forward to today. Our options for romance are practically unlimited. We have cars to drive miles away, planes to travel to other states and countries, and the Internet connecting 1 billion of us to one another. It’s gotten to a point where almost everyone who has a computer is a potential mate. You meet people at work, you meet them after work, you meet them at church, you meet them online. Even if you find someone, there are so many options that it’s hard to stay focused.
Consider what happens to people who become celebrities after living a somewhat normal life. In almost every case, fame acquired after marriage leads to divorce. What’s the problem? The problem is that the newly famous person now meets many, many more people. There are far more options for relationships when you’re famous than when you’re not, and bonus, a lot more people want to be with you because of your perceived value. Who doesn’t want to date a famous person, really? And so, the newly famous person’s options expand to the point where the spouse that helped them achieve fame starts to look like the least of the many new options that are available. Ah well, thanks for getting me here.
When there are so many options, we get caught in a trap of wondering if there’s something better out there. Yeah, my girlfriend has a fantastic body, but maybe there’s a girl out there just as hot but also smart. Once I have her, there may be one that’s hot, smart, and a massage therapist (ding ding!). And it just keeps going on. Keeping your options open means you’ll never be satisified with what you have.
So is there hope? Can we once again become a monogamous species? I don’t have the answer, and options just seem to be exploding for everyone. Perhaps the only way to be truly committed is to narrow your options purposely. Maybe going to strip clubs isn’t the best thing, and maybe all-male reviews aren’t a good idea either. Could it be that simply removing options from our field of vision is enough to get people to settle down? Not likely, but maybe it’s a start.
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