Dating failure feedback
Have you ever been turned down by someone and just wished that you could do a post-talk review to get feedback on what went wrong? If you’ve ever asked yourself why things didn’t work out, then you’ve probably had this thought. If only there were a way to understand what the other person thought, maybe you could actually do something differently to get a different outcome. The fact of the matter is that most people are just too kind to actually tell you why they didn’t call you back, accept your invitation, or want a second date. The again, maybe it’s a good thing; perhaps our egos are too fragile to actually hear that type of honest feedback.
I was hanging out with one of my good friends tonight who is connected to the girl who gave me her number but never called me back. My friend mentioned that this girl confided in her that she had tried dating one of her friends but that it hadn’t worked out. My friend then asked her what she thought about me, to which she replied, “he seemed aggressive, and that scared me.”
Now, no one who knows me would describe me as aggressive. I am confident, assertive, certainly decisive, but definitely not aggressive. I replayed my interaction with this girl when we met. I remember she was tough to talk to initially, kept disappearing for periods of time and didn’t seem all that interested in talking to me. You can’t force someone to talk to you, so I always let her escape, circled around the room to talk to some other people, and would eventually find my way back to talk to her. By the end of the party, the ice was broken and we had some really good conversation. I mean, if she didn’t enjoy the conversation, she could easily have not given me her number.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned through my 30 years on this planet, it’s that people with low self esteem feel imposed on by confident people. When you doubt yourself, people who are self-assured are scary because you know that they may push you into areas that you’re not comfortable with. One of my ex’s actually mentioned that my success was tough for her to deal with because it made her realize she could be doing so much more with her life. That’s low self esteem talking. Those with a healthy self esteem see confident and successful people as proof that their goals are achievable.
Still, I found myself pondering this dating failure feedback. Certainly I shouldn’t try to hide my confidence, if anything, it may have saved me from getting involved with someone that would ultimately make me miserable. But maybe I could work on being more subtle. Perhaps my love of laughter and life-of-the-party attitude can be toned down. I certainly don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, and definitely don’t want anyone to think of me as scary. Feedback is good if it causes growth. And here I grow.
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unless your perfect match loves your laughter and life-of-the-party attitude, then she might not recognize you when you tone yourself down for milder girls.