The Singles Blues
I try to live life in vivid color, but my palette is missing red: “make your heart jump” red, “excited to see you” red, “huge smile across the room” red. The colors I live life in are blue (serenity, cool, calm) and yellow (happiness, joy, laughter). Nice colors. But without red, the portrait lacks true warmth. I’m not just singing the Singles Blues, I’m living in that color most of the time.
I hang out with couples where you can tell there is genuine love, a lifelong commitment, raw honesty, and a unique emotional bond. I bask in the warmth of red their relationship radiates, and for a while, being the third wheel is enjoyable, and I feel hope and optimism…right until I walk into my empty apartment right across from the ocean. The moonlight reflects off the water in an impossibly romantic scene, and my heart aches for someone to share it with. I sigh, get ready for bed, and tell myself: someday. I feel blue.
I worry my heart is dying a slow death from lack of expression – because here’s no one to express the love I have to give, I fear it’s killing the best part of me. The inability to express my love toward someone else didn’t just create a void – over time, like a sick cosmic joke, the void has collapsed on itself creating a black hole that just sucks the joy right out of my soul. Ok, ok, so I’m being a tad melodramatic. I’m actually very happy most days, and there are certainly benefits to being single. Still…you get my point.
This thing these couples have – that unsaid, but powerful bond – I haven’t felt it for anyone in a long, long time. My dates are mostly entertaining news stories to tell my married friends. My relationships in the past few years have been – at best – mediocre. I don’t crave companionship (I am blessed with fabulous friends, both men and women). I crave love. Romantic love. Passionate love. Intimate love.
I thought I’d miss passion the most. I don’t. I miss the moments of emotional love – you know, when your partner reaches their hand out to you to touch your face, saying nothing, all emotional content conveyed in that one gesture? When you had a crappy day and the mere appearance of them at your door erases the stress instantly? Someone to just hold you – not like a friend hug – I mean, really hold you, whispering in your ear that you are loved, and will always be loved?
When I think about these moments, I realize that I don’t miss receiving this kind of love it half as much as I miss giving it.
Any advice for jump-starting the “expressing love”? Do you do special things for friends and family? Volunteer work? Or, do you think this is a self-love issue? How do I paint some red into these Singles Blues?
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Comments
I totally relate to this post. I too, am not without companionship. Between my girl friends and family, I have many people in my inner circle to do things with on a daily basis, if I so choose…however, I am missing the romantic connection.
I too have been without “red” for years now, and frankly I have developed single-itis. I don’t feel it has anything to do with self love. I encompass tons of self love and am appreciative of the time I spend alone. I just believe that I have so much love to offer a man, he is crazy to not have found me yet
[...] let me cut to the chase…” I thought, man, there has GOT to be a better way out of the single blues. In the same email queue, thankfully, was a meeting notice for our group’s next surf [...]
I’ve also have had the worst insomnia the past year, must be all the RED clogged up! Was thinking the same thing about the volunteer work and ORANGE, for me I think it will probably introduce a little more color, but not the red I desire. Love the term “single-itis” from C’est Chic, I may have to borrow that one.
P.S. C’est Chic, loved your blog on B*tchassness, it was one of the funniest I’ve read in a long time. If you’re even half as interesting as your blogs are, you’re right, he’s crazy to not have found you yet!
Here is a dream that has caused being single just about unbearable. I’ve this dream twice a night, and every other night for the pass 3 months. It is haunting and depressing. please leave comments, what you think, what I should do, ect…
Last night I had a dream. The dream of the most vivid imagination, the imagination of one who wishes to never be alone, the imagination of one who lives in a world which bends light and blocks sight.
This dream was that of a struggle, the struggle and conflict which rages inside all who are alone and seeking answers. I was fighting, I was that of the role which takes on a form of an agent, a lawman so it seemed, seeking justice… To put right that which has been wronged. My life was in mortal danger, but I was strong, so so strong. My aim was deadly and my fist that of steel. Looking down the barrel of many guns and taking them on with Vengeance!!!!
I watch as the last one begged for mercy, after watching the last of his consorts fall to the mistake in judgment he had made before confronting me and my will. I spared this man’s life and apprehended him and had him taken away. Then I saw it, a door… One that was in plain view of the carnage and righteous fury which was my scorn. That which was being guarded by the foul and filth that dared curse my name. I reached for the handle, opened the door slowly, Looked in to find a girl, strangely the sent of this room was inviting, sweet and perfumic. The atmosphere was also pulling on every since of my soul, tender and soft as if to be calling to me. I look across the room, to this girl… She motions me to come closer, she seemed scared, I think to myself she must have been kidnapped I should save her and take her into my strong arms…
As I walk towards her I find that it was I that suddenly turned weak and my resolve had broken. I reach the girl and I was a pulp/ a shell of the man I was just moments ago. Suddenly she says my name, I stare deep into her eyes, she says “I knew you would come, and now it is I that shall save you, my love…” We end in a loving embrace, hugging and kissing, the sweet passionate scene one would view at the end of a movie. The hair of black with red highlights, the skin of that kissed by the sun, the red pouty lips, the dress… That of blue silk with a bow tied off in the middle. It was real and I knew it!
It was real, so so real… It was tormenting and blissful I wanted it to never end, I had everything that was missing in my life in that one moment. Suddenly I was ripped unfairly away, to my empty room in my empty bed in my empty house. Had it all just been a dream??? If so, then why was I blessed with such feelings and emotions, to just have been mocked and teased? I still have that thought in my head which will stay with me always…
I don’t know, just thought I would share this with you all… Make your comments as you wish, I am going to go weep in the woe and bask in the memories of this dream. Perhaps for a brief moment I can have that happiness again.
I hear you on missing the GIVING. Serendipity — I don’t know if I’ve had a decent night’s rest since Spring. I’ve got SO much “RED” clogged up, it’s keeping me up at night.
It’s killing me.
I’ve tried doing the friends and family things. Bright “YELLOWS” in my life. I guess it’s a Band-Aid that’s not so sticky as of late.
Tried the volunteer thing and it didn’t cure me of the “BLUES” — but it’s gotten me to recognize the “ORANGE” areas of my heart. I must be getting closer.
SO — self-love — my last ditch effort. I’m realizing it should be my most important investment. It’s the hardest relationship I’ve ever had to sustain and maintain.