spooning

It kills me that I had to upgrade.

I went from BOSE to SHURE.  Had to ditch the top-of-the-line noise cancellation headphones for the “industry strength” noice-isolation gear.  The fact that I even know the difference tells you just how serious I am — about sleep.

See, it wasn’t so bad when the snoring was intermittent.  Even so, the run-of-the-mill ear plugs were no match for the horrendous bulldozer type sounds emitting from the body just inches away from mine.

I’m a light sleeper.  It’s tough enough when you’re trying to find the easiest position to fall asleep in.  His arm around your waist, lightly resting across your hip.  The rise and fall your breathing falling in sync with one another.  He’s got his side, and you’re comfortably situated on the left.  Right?

SO wrong.  Not even close.

It’s terrible when you can even “HEAR” the vibrations of his snoring through your sleep.  I tried EVERYTHING.  Rolled him over.  Felt guilty about it for two seconds before I tried smothering him with the extra pillow.  NOTHING worked.

I would squeeze myself against the wall — to sneak away from his sleep snarling.  Yes.  This is WITH the noise-cancellation headphones plugged into my iPod pumping out Ne-Yo full blast.  Next thing I know, I’m his human teddy bear.  I’m being dragged across the bed like a rag doll and my chest is now flattened by his left arm crushing me against him.  Adam Merrin is now crooning that “It’s Still Allright” and I beg to differ — it is NOT all right.  NOT AT ALL.  For GOD’s sake!!!  We were sleeping on a memory foam mattress.  Rolling aftershocks.  I kid you not.

This is no longer spooning.  It’s being held hostage for the next six hours.  The death grip is worse when you’re in bed with someone who’s dreaming about KOing his opponent as a Nacho Libre type fighter.

So what do I do?  I resort to waking his ass up just to “fool around.”  This only comes with complaints the next morning that my libido knows no end.  That he’s enjoys my friskiness, but needs his shut-eye in order to make the multitude of early A.M. business calls.  I just shrug, roll over as he gets dressed and try to catch one full hour of blessed, blissful, uninterrupted sleep before heading out the door myself.

Might as well make the best of it.  Right?

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