Pursuit theory: The girl’s role
It’s been a little while since I introduced pursuit theory, my theory for how dating will ideally work. I then went on to explain the guy’s role in pursuit theory, being the pursuer and making overt actions to declare your intent for a girl. The other half of the puzzle is explaining the girl’s role in dating, which is, to me, a far more interesting role to have. As an added benefit, girls acting in accordance with pursuit theory can actually fend off the pickup artists that women detest yet often can’t turn away.
Woman begins by resisting a man’s advances and ends by blocking his retreat.
- Oscar Wilde
The role of the girl in pursuit theory is as simple as the guy’s role: as the guy moves forward, the girl moves backward. As the female, it’s your job to make the male give chase; he cannot give chase if you are stationary. Ladies, you have all of the power in the dating scenario and you need to use it. Doing so can keep you safe from having your heart broken (or worse). Guys prefer girls to chase them but that doesn’t mean you should. If a guy isn’t willing to chase you a little bit then what sort of effort do you think he’d put into the relationship once it begins?
Your role, dear women, is to be in a state of constant retreat. Make the guy pursue you and just when he thinks he’s getting close, pull away again. This push-pull is highly addictive for both sides of the equation. A sure thing is never very exciting; unpredictability is extremely desirable. Saying “yes” when a guy asks you out will make him happy but saying “hmmm…I’m not sure” will drive him nuts (in a good way).
Guys these days are very good at forcing a girl to pursue. It’s subtle things like giving you his number and asking you to call him (never do this!). Calling him means moving towards him, which means pursuit. You’re supposed to be moving backwards and he should be coming towards you. If a guy tries this with you, tell him you don’t call guys but he can give you a call sometime. Now everyone is playing their proper role. If he calls and leaves a message, don’t call back immediately. Wait a little bit before returning the call. If you get his voice mail then tell him to call you back and when would be the best time to reach you. Do not, under any circumstances, call him back again after that. He needs to pursue you and that means tracking you down over the phone.
Make sure that you’re not the one making plans with him. If he wants to take you out, let him do the work. His job is to come up with something to do that will allow you to get to know each other better. If he asks what you want to do, tell him that you’re open to suggestions and don’t offer anything. And when you actually do go out, look for subtle signs of how the pursuit is going. A good rule of thumb is that whenever you notice yourself moving forward, start to move backward. Let him come to you.
The most interesting and challenging part of the girl’s role in pursuit theory is monitoring the pursuit. You must be able to tell if he’s pursuing you actively or losing interest. The key moment is just before he starts losing interest. That’s the point where you drop your secret weapon: an invitation to pursue. As a women, the invitation to pursue is absolute gold and keeps you in control of the situation.
An invitation to pursue is slightly devious and very effective. It’s main purpose is to let the guy know that you want to be caught. This invitation should be subtle but clear. You are not pursuing the guy with; instead, you’re tapping him on the shoulder and then running away. He needs to believe that he will attain you should he keep up the pursuit. A very simple example: you’re talking on the phone with a guy and you need to hang up. Don’t simply say goodbye. Tell him to call you back later (trust me, he will if he knows what’s good for him). This simple act of inviting him to call you later is a subconscious indicator to the guy that he has a very good chance of succeeding in catching you. Further, it keeps him in the role of the pursuer.
At all times, you want the guy to initiate communication regardless of medium. If he doesn’t at first, it’s okay to initiate and then invite him to initiate the next time. “Hey, I can’t chat right now, ping me later on.” It’s as simple as that. Sprinkling these invitations liberally makes him feel more comfortable that his hard work will pay off eventually and you avoid doing any pursuing.
This may sound like you’re always waiting for the guy to make the first move, but that’s not true at all. You are making the first move by enticing him to approach and pursue. You can absolutely initiate with a stranger so long as you always turn the pursuit over to him. Say that there’s a guy you want to meet somewhere, your first step is body language: make eye contact and smile. Any guy with half a brain knows that this is a signal to talk to you. If he doesn’t, you can get closer and start a conversation. Make sure that he either asks for your number or you offer it up; that’s how you ensure that he’s pursuing you and not the other way around.
If you want to make a move on a guy you already know but aren’t involved with, you can use the “we should” approach. This technique is basically you making a statement that the guy should pick up on, such as, “I was thinking, we should grab dinner some night.” This is a very generic statement. He should pick up on this and say, “yeah, we should.” At that point, you need only say, “so what do you suggest?” You’ve just successfully put the idea of dinner in his head and then made him responsible for fulfilling the suggestion. Your invitation went well and he can now pursue you by figuring out how to make the dinner happen.
By following these suggestions, you can easily determine if a guy is a pickup artist. Pickup artists do not want to pursue; they want instant gratification. If you’re taking too much work to get into bed, they will bail and find an easier target. Be wary, pickup artists are very good at manipulating girls into pursuing them. They’ll ask you to arrange something, make plans, or otherwise. Always keep tabs on who is pursuing whom when talking to a guy to figure out if he’s a pickup artist. If you play the pursuit theory role successfully, most pickup artists will fall by the side and you’ll be left with the guys who will actually want to pursue you. These are the guys you want because they’re not in it for easy sex, they respect you as a person and see you as a prize that they want to win. And that’s the whole idea.
Agree? Disagree? Leave a comment!
Related Posts
- Introduction to pursuit theory
- Pursuit theory: The guy’s role
- The role of an ex
- Dear Matchmaker: I’m Single NOT Desperate
- How to Tell if Your Date Likes You
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Comments
this is what girls do and it is not a good thing.
who has time for these mindgames?
i’ve come across my share of girls who act this way and there is nothing cute about it. Mindgames only get in the way of meaningful relationships.
And there is no reason that women should be pursued vs pursue.
The author of this article made an arbitrary decision,
which just so happens to go with one of the lesser social currents of our time.
if you are interested in having a healthy relationship, then quit the mindgames.
If you like someone, ask them on a date.
It’s as simple as that.
I think you’re looking at this the wrong way. Dating is a game, it’s supposed to be fun! All I’m doing is laying out the rules so that everyone knows what they are. My writing and thoughts on this matter are anything but arbitrary; I’ve spent years observing and participating in the dating game to come up with this theory. I agree that it would be nice if everyone would just ask out people that they’re attracted to, but unfortunately, subtlety often works much better.
I’ve been a part of this “game” and I’ve watched it happen to myself and friends for the better part of the last decade. This game is disgusting and it never goes anywhere. It’s too hard to play and not worth it. If you have to work this hard to get a date then the date isn’t worth it.
This is so true! Funny that I am already doing this?! I have some guy friends who gets me really confuse… like they text a lot, try to chat a lot and even stay up late with me?! I don’t get it if guys are being friendly or what. I am really slow with this and don’t get hints because it’s like for me, many guys are players so whatever comes out on their mouth goes out on my ear. Still, I am trying to be nice ’cause hey I can’t avoid people, how can I have friends that way.
Anyhoo, This particular guy… One day things are fun and friendly and the next day he will try to talk sweet stuff and starts getting weird? Sometimes I think he likes me but then sometimes he also talk about other girls he pursue? Just wtf is happening?! Why are guys like this?!
When you like someone JUST SAY IT! It’s no fun when a friend starts acting like that… So when that happens, girls like me will back away! And just when you can actually breathe some fresh air and the question marks starts to disappear, expect the guy chasing you again! This is sad you know? Since this is your friend, suddenly you’ll feel he’s trying to avoid you so of course you’ll miss him and then you’ll do the ‘chasing’ then you’ll be friends again… then the cycle continues!
Should I try to keep that kind of friendship? Is this even friendship or just complete flirting? Is it worth keeping? I think I can move on but I just don’t wanna leave people around suddenly for some reason I’m not even sure of.
I feel sorry for myself and these guys because I am not ready to actually go out and date if that’s what they want. I think I need help? I feel ridiculous going out with someone I barely know but I feel awkward when a friend starts getting sweet. I have a heart like a child.
Sorry I said too much! I’m also trying to figure things out while writing and sharing. I like your posts!