How to stop missing someone
It tears at you, day and night. You hate being single. It’s that horrible feeling in your gut. It just won’t go away. You sometimes touch your stomach to make sure everything is still there. Physically, the pieces are in place, but that feeling makes it seem not to be true. It feels like…a hole. Your body is complete but yet this hole is there and it only seems to grow bigger and bigger. You’re missing someone and can almost feel their soul pulling you through space and time. Part of you wants to give in, it’ll be easier that way, yet giving in isn’t an option. They’re gone, and gone they will stay.
Most of the pain we feel surrounding a breakup is centered around a singular belief: there is only one. No one will be as wonderful, as beautiful, as charming, as interesting. You can’t imagine anyone making you feel as good or as loved. There’s just no way. There’s only one person that could ever do this. I mean, right?
The truth is, we all feel that way after a breakup and sometimes even after a rejection from someone we admire. Somewhere in your psyche you have made up your mind that this person is the end-all, be-all of dating. You could be happy with him or her, but not without. This feeling can go on for months, even years after the triggering event…sometimes with good days and sometimes with bad. Maybe you should reach out and make contact, see if things can be reignited? But no, the fear of that other person having moved on and being happy without you is too great. If you’re lonely, you hope they are too, all the exes and those who’ve turned you down.
When I broke up with my first girlfriend, I was a freshman in college. One of the upperclassmen in the drama club noticed me sulking around and asked what was going on. I relayed the story of how my girlfriend had left me for another guy. He listened for a while and then said something that I wish I would remember more often: “As Yoda said, there is another.”
He was right. I went on to date some more and love again. At the time it seemed like that would never happen, but time heals wounds and I moved on. The real approach to stop missing someone is to realize that the world is full of potential partners for you. There’s close to 7 billion people on earth, and because of transportation and communication advances in the past two decades, they are all up for grabs.
After a breakup, you believe there is only that one out of billions that could make you happy. There were certainly qualities about this person that made them special to you. It’s important to realize that that one person doesn’t have a monopoly on those qualities. There are a lot of kind people. There are a lot of beautiful people. There are a lot of intelligent people. There are a lot of people who are driven in their careers, love their family, and just might be looking for someone special.
I recently wrote an email to some friends asking their opinion of how to get a certain girl out of one’s mind. The best reply was simply, “think of some OTHER girl.” And he was right. The old adage about there being plenty of fish in the sea is completely true. What you need to do is find a way to believe it. Meeting a girl that intrigues you while you’re wrapped up in someone else helps. Now you know there’s two. If there’s two, then there must be three. This is why several dating experts recommend just going out and meeting new people even if you feel like you don’t want a serious relationship due to past heartbreak. Just discovering that there are other interesting people out there is an important first step in getting over someone.
Think of it this way. If you go into a bakery and there is only one pastry for sale, you start to get nervous that you won’t get it. There are other hungry people there too and who knows when one will pounce. If you go to a bakery with a large assortment of pastries, you never worry that you won’t get what you want (or deserve). You know that there’s a lot of options, and even if they run out of your favorite, there are several others that you’d be willing to try. No angst, no nervousness.
So if you’re missing someone right now, stop and imagine being in a group with five other people. Each of these people has a quality you admire and has it in spades compared to the one you’re missing. He’s more handsome. She’s smarter. He speaks lovingly. She makes you laugh. And bonus, they’re all interested in you. Remind yourself of this scene whenever you start feeling yourself dwelling on your past relationship and partner. There are other people out there, you just need to believe that they exist. And when you truly believe it, that’s when they start to appear.
Agree? Disagree? Leave a comment!
Related Posts
- Beware the fixer-upper
- Old-School Etiquette and Chivalry
- Be who you want to be with
- The Non-Breakup Breakup
- I want to break up with dating!
If you enjoyed this post, please consider to leave a comment or subscribe to the feed and get future articles delivered to your feed reader.
Comments
@Melvin - Very glad to hear that this helped, since that was the goal! You’ll find someone else that will treat you right, I guarantee it. And just think about how happy you’ll be when that happens.
This article was great! I’ve read a lot of other articles about breaking up and trying not to miss an ex and none of them relayed the message as well as you did. I think for me and for a lot of people it’s really hard to move on because of the paralyzing fear that it’s impossible to find anyone better. This article really reiterated the fact that there are people that are just as good, if not better, than a person’s ex out there.
I dated my ex for 5 months. It was my first relationship and it was long distance. It’s been about three months since we broke up, and I feel like now I am finally getting my life back together. I still miss him a lot. We ended our relationship because of distance. If we had been in the same place we probably would have continued dating, because we really, really liked each other. However, the distance was too hard, so we ended it. Ending on good terms I think has been hard too, because I think it has given me this false hope that we are going to get back together. We are probably never going to be in the same place, so it’s never going to work. I’m starting to come to terms with things. Break-ups just suck. However, your article reminded me that there are lots of other good people out there, and that is refreshing. I go to a very small women’s school, so I don’t have the greatest pool of potential guys to meet, but I’m hoping somehow something will fall into place and I will meet some great guys.
Thanks for the article!
@jen - I’m glad this helped. Breakups are always tough, but you just can’t stop believing you can find someone else. Sounds like you’re on the right track, good luck!
Hey.. THanks for this post… i am suffering from a break up that just consist of 6 months, yes i know its not long, but hey my feelings are more thn just real.. i love her very much, but i just realised that i payed the least attention to her during the times when i was together with her. we broke up just like 3 days ago, reason, she got to go overseas, i dont want her to leave so i said i cant wait, thinking she would stay for me.. instead she thinks i dont love her enough, she agreed with the break up i proposed, i know its my fault.. thn i regreted it, thn i asked for another chance. then she mentioned how i didnt appreciate her and etc. the next day. i wasnt feeling that sad because i thought, hey i could carry on my life, but then i went on friendster and saw 1 person that viewed me… my this gf.. kissing his lips, my heart shattered .. i called her and talked about it.. she said it was a fling and happen the day right after we broke up, and said she stills love me.. how can i accept the fact that she is with another guy right after we broke up, and believes that she still loves me …. even if she is trying to get over me.. it hurts. it really hurts, i cant stop thinking about it .. until i read this post.. thank you so much, now i understand that besides her, there is still others that i can put my feelings to. i wont be serious that fast anymore, i will still fall inlove but not that fast, i do not want to be a playboy, and hurt other girls, they didnt do anything wrong. its just i trusted the wrong girl, maybe i will have to put my feelings in a girl who feels so towards me as well.. i hope i will get over this girl i love , who i think is special to me .. as soon as possible, hehe thanks for theperson who posted this.