The goal is to get alone time
When applying for a job, it’s said that your resume will never get you the job; it’s not the goal of a resume. The true goal of a resume is to get you a job interview, a face-to-face meeting with those who can hire you. Dating is very similar. When you meet someone new, it’s often in a public place: a party, a class, etc. The goal of that situation is to arrange a time when you can meet one-on-one to get to know each other better. To be clear: one-on-one doesn’t mean going to a party or the movies, it means a true opportunity to talk without interruption.
A lot of people, guys particularly, tend to forget this initial goal. There’s no reason to worry about kissing or sex before you actually get some alone time. Almost nothing else matters prior to that first time that you’re alone together. If you have any interest whatsoever, then find a way to spend time alone with the person and see what happens. You may be surprised at the result. Some anecdotes from my own dating history:
- I met one girl for coffee. She had mentioned several times before meeting that nothing romantic would happen between us because of our age difference (she was six years older). I told her that was fine. As we were talking, she grew more and more attractive to me. I kept in the back of my mind what she had said and talked myself out of making any move whatsoever. When we parted, I offered her my hand. She reached up and gave me a hug instead, then pulled back and planted one of the most passionate kisses I’ve ever felt on my lips. I told her I was confused because she said nothing romantic would happen between us. Her very simple answer: “I changed my mind.”
- I had started chatting with this one girl online, and despite giving me her phone number, she never returned any of my phone calls. I noticed her online one day and gave her crap for not returning my calls. She apologized and suggested we get together. I had nothing to do so I agreed, thinking it would just be something to do. We went for a walk by the water and within a half hour we couldn’t stop kissing. We ended up together for two years.
- I noticed a female college friend online during the summer. I was shocked because she made such a big deal about not having a computer at home to go online with. We chatted for a few minutes and she invited me to go see a movie with her because she had no one to go with. I went and picked her up, we hung out at the movies and somewhere in that time, I found myself very attracted to her. We had hung out in groups a bunch of times during the last semester but I suddenly saw her in a new light. When I dropped her off, I decided to go for it and kissed her. She kissed me back. Apparently she had seen me in a new light as well.
So what happened in each of these instances? It really had nothing to do with what we talked about or the amount of perceived charm that I have. It had everything to do with simply removing outside distractions and getting used to being in each other’s presence. Each of these three situations didn’t start out romantic and yet, after spending some time together, each ended up that way. Perhaps most telling is the first story, where the girl told me in no uncertain terms that there would be nothing romantic between us. That really speaks to the power of alone time.
If you take anything away from this post let it be the importance of alone time. Never turn down the opportunity to spend time with someone one-on-one, even someone whom you’d like to be romantically involved with who has turned you down. There’s no telling what will happen when you’re alone together and just being yourselves.
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