what FACEBOOK tells me

You’re an asshole.


Not so simple.

In fact, you’re an insecure narcisist with no less than 50 uploaded profile photos of your various pouts and poses to prove it.  You even catalogue your ex-girlfriends with captions below.  Sexy.

I never knew FB was a vehicle for name dropping, til I perused your profile.  So what if you’re some hotshot Hollywood hack!  Pitch me this: why the hell should we keep dating — since you spread your ego so thickly all over your page, there’s really no room for my space in your life?

You dress like the devil.  Literally.  Lots of red.  A little too much.  Santa gets away with being adorable in a little red suit.  You?  Not so much.  Though I get it: seduction’s not your strong suit. I also get that you’re all about the chase, NOT so hot on the finish.

You’re a friend poacher.  I’ve noticed you’ve already plunged into my picks and made plenty of them your own.  Without the vested time and interest of course.  Gee, how convenient for you.  And that’s only after meeting them on our psuedo-date # 2.  To you?  Friends = colleagues.  Everyone you know is someone you either worked with or worked up.  No sense of history.  Do real relationships elude you?


The ratio of females to males are raising both my eyebrows.  Especially the scantily clad ones.  And not just those of my gender.


Que mas, que mas, que mas?

You’re definitely amusing as fuck.  Your postings keep me rolling.  Not just the eyeballs.  I could do without the status updates, though.  What I now know of you that I wish I didn’t?  You have a VERY small bladder.  Which can only lead one to wonder…

BTW, if you’re going to date multiple girls at once, you may not want them to find out you double-booked via FB.  Seriously.  At least spread ’em out.  Girl # 1 gets added to your MySpace.  Girl # 2 to Friendster.  Girl # 3 to Klamour.  Girl # 4 to LinkedIn.  Girl # 5 to Hi5.  Girl # 6 (yours truly) to FB.

See?  I should be your personal dating consultant.  I’d watch you doggie-paddle for a bit.  Maybe I’d throw you a bone or two, before pulling the plug to keep you from drowning in dating drama.  It’s fun letting you think your suave and saavy.  Because, you’re not.

Why?  You leave NO room for mystery.  You’re cute in that hobbit kind of way, but there’s NOTHING that keeps me wanting to get to know you.




4 thoughts on “what FACEBOOK tells me”

  1. LMAO! Recently a few of my guy friends have mentioned that they have met the “hottest women” by making friends within the network of a former date/fling. Yuck. And yes, the “I’m a pimp” photos are hilarious as well, hello, you *do* realize this is all public, right? Agree, TMI

  2. My best friend just told me a guy I wrote off months ago is now trying to “add” her as a friend. SO delusional. Don’t these bastards know we girls have each others’ backs? It’s girl code 101, dammit!

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