Waiting for the call

Thanks to everyone who posted a comment on The Perfect Date, I’m so relieved to know I’m not the only one who has felt anxiety (instead of just pure bliss) when things go well!

So although I knew it was unlikely to see him again before 2009, I have to say this waiting is making me insane.  No, worse than that, it’s making me over-analyze.  If there’s one thing I hate to be, it’s a typical woman over-analyzing a bunch of stupid stuff.  UGH!!!

Yes, I did hear from him after my first blog, a text that said he can’t wait to see me again (last Friday), which was after an earlier phone call where he re-iterated how much fun he had on our last date.  I knew end of quarter would mean work hell for him (and more so since he’s a self-confessed workaholic), and I also know that today, Jan 1st, is his sacred watch-football-all-day-I’ll-be-MIA.

It’s likely I’ll hear from him tomorrow or later this weekend, and once we talk, I’ll feel stupid for stressing out all week.  But let me tell ya, in all honesty – I have been absolutely sabotaging this inside my head for almost 7 days now.  I have never had to wait this long for a man to call, especially with so many fireworks from the get-go.  It’s odd, but then, he is kind of odd.  It’s why I like him so much – he’s not typical.   And yes, my eye surgery, the holidays, end of quarter, all calls and texts clear indicate he is very much still interested.  Blah blah blah. It’s been almost a week, and nothing.  I don’t like it.

Thankfully I have held strong and avoided the mistake of texting and calling him any further – as it is clearly his move now.  The thing is, I’be gone from being excited and optimistic to irritated and skeptical.  At first I was sure this was insecurity and let-downs from the past, but today I realized what’s bugging me.

My biggest complaint about dating in my late 30’s here in the Bay Area is what I call the Green Grass syndrome.  There are so many single people here, successful, fun, smart – and as such, I’ve found that people take their sweet ol’ time in courtship.  Even when there’s a phenomenal connection and mutal interest, it seems like there’s a feeling that perhaps there is something just as good, or even better, just around the corner.  No need to get this person off the market by securing next dates fast, or heaven forbid, make a commitment.  He/She will still be around.  If not, there are always others.  I’ve traveled extensively, and I’m absolutely convinced this phenomenon is unique to this area.  It is perhaps why we have one of the highest singles rates in the country, and one of the lowest in terms of relationship satisfaction.

In any case, what I liked about what was happening initially with this guy is it was busting my Green Grass theory.  Actually, probably moving waaaay to fast in terms of emotional and (very soon to be) physical intimacy.  But the pace was refreshing because it was so anti-Bay Area, and I had singulary attributed this to the fact that this guy was originally from the Midwest.  I lived in the Midwest for a few years and I can tell ya, when a guy meets a women that takes his breath away, he doesn’t tell her that over and over again and then wait a freakin’ week to even call or text or anything.

So, I don’t get it.  Yes, I’ll be patient.  Yes, I’ll wait him out.  And yes, I would love to see him again.  If he asks, I’m there.  But here’s what’s changed: my guard is back up.  I’m certainly not going to entertain any kind of physical relationship any time soon.  Because he was a man who seemed to know exactly what he wanted, found it, and was pursuing it quickly, I was likewise ready to throw caution to the wind, no games, and give this 100% effort.  Now I’m cautious, and emotionally have rolled all my enthusiasm back to the stage of Date #1.  I have to, or I can’t wait for a week to hear from you, it’s just too scary and unnerving.  Sorry.

If you wonder what happened, well, you waited too long to call.  I don’t need a check-in every day, or even every few days.  But a week?  It’s too long, it tells me you’re really not that interested despite what you say, actions always speak louder than words.

What do you think?  Am I expecting too much too soon?  Or am I getting played a little, with the compliments and “you’re perfect, I don’t want to date anyone else” simply a ruse to get some action sooner rather than later?  Is a week to call a long time or a reasonable time to wait to talk?

10 thoughts on “Waiting for the call”

  1. I sympathize with your situation.

    I think it is absolutely vital that you do not take the initiative. Men can be compelled to action, either by a sense of obligation or by explicit request, but only voluntary action reveals our intent. If you call or message, he might reply, but it may mean nothing. If he calls you of his own will, that has meaning.

    On the other hand, if he has left you hanging for over a week, that definitely counts against him. We men might feign ignorance (guilty as charged!), but men know women worry. We know that every day we don’t call, that gives time for doubt and neuroses to grow. No man, no matter how busy he may be, should fail to take five minutes to call up a woman he is seriously considering. Not every day, as you say, but enough to douse the flames that slowly build up.

    It’s possible that he’s misread you. Perhaps he thinks you need space, and that, with only one date together, he feels he doesn’t have the prerogative to call you more often. Perhaps he feels one call a week is enough. Perhaps it was enough for his last girlfriend. Perhaps.

    But it’s more likely that he is uninterested, or inconsiderate. Busyness is an excuse, never a reason. Calling takes no time. If he was truly interested, he would have subtly asked when your eye surgery was, and called you the day after. He would be looking for any respectable pretense to call you.

    If and when you see him next, try to find out, in some delicate way, why he didn’t call more often. He might have a good reason. But being busy isn’t one of them. Remember, men know women worry.

  2. I’ve gotta agree with Josh: if he was truly interested, your guy would’ve called post eye-surgery. Leaving you hanging for a week is bullshit. Your guy calling without your prompting speaks volumes. So… DO NOT GIVE IN.

    Are you getting played? I don’t know if I’d label it that. It sounds like he’s definitely keeping his options open. That’s for sure. If a guy’s into you — he makes it his business to mark his territory with you. No week-long intervals between calls/dates/messages.

    As for trying to find out why the guy didn’t call, I’m curious as to how you’ll be able to bring it up in a delicate way. Confrontation is NEVER easy. So please DO share if you take that route.

  3. I am really sad and VERY disappointed, but you know, such is life, it’s all about taking chances. I probably opened up too much too fast and gave my cards away. Oh well, it’s better than the old me (I was a lethal and brutal game-player). It’s a New Year and a new opportunity to keep moving forward with the open, honest and loving Serendipity.

    If you are reading this blog, please don’t get discouraged, it’s all about joie de vivre in 2009, and you have to put yourself out there, even if sometimes you get hurt or taken for granted. I’m so happy I’m just staying out there and not closing myself off, feeling hurt is better than not feeling at all…

  4. thanks for this blog and for the topic that you chose. i was going through a similar kind of situation (except it was “off the charts” for about 3-4 months and talking every/every other day to absolutely **nothing** (i was in that “analysis paralysis” state for about half a month, then mourning for the rest of the month….which leads us to today). so i can relate with being sad and very disappointed…but also feeling hopeful about feeling the hurt without emotionally closing off and being open to meeting someone new.

    i have to admit it’s been incredibly hard…i even googled the situation and found out that this is a regular phenomenon, which a guy friend verified (‘the disappearing act’). anyway, just trying to let go and move on. it’s tough, but i know there’s someone out there who can appreciate me better (after all, who wants a great guy who’s ecstatic over you for a few months, then never calls back?) i could relate to almost everything that you said. anyway, licking the wounds and moving on…

  5. I am very sad and disappointed for you as well. I’m in a similiar situation and as each day goes by, I wonder if he will call. Although, my “guy” was a sporadic communicator at best. Part of me wants a second chance and part of me wants to just lick my wound and chalk it up to experience.

    However, at 37, I wonder how much more experience at dating I really need

  6. I am in a simillar situation. Well a bit different maybe just because we have been together a few times. We met like 2 months ago and for the past month have seen each other at least once a week -just the 2 of us or together with friends in common.But now she has got a friend over visiting her for like a week and I have not received anymore text no calls. I sent a few texts (a bit stupid honnestly- as it is really dangerous to talk over messaging when people dont know each other well) and got replies but then I quit texting waiting for her to make a move but nothing happens. It totaly drives me nuts. Have no idea why this is happening , if its cos the friend is here or because she lost her interest. The thing is that I hate not being in control and usually screw up because I cant wait and end up texting too much and obviously showing anxiety and maybe insecurity. but I dont know how to control myself…I really dont. I sometimes prefer just to end everything than to be in this situation. I like to have peace of mind and be able to focus on my things and this really disrupts my day. How do you learn to let go? accept that you can not always be in control and just relax and accept what the future may bring you?

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