If you love someone, let them go
For as long as I can remember, I’ve heard the phrase, “if you love someone, let them go.” I’ve spent inordinate amounts of time during my life trying to understand the meaning. In high school, I thought the concept was ludicrous. I love her, why the hell would I ever let her go? Adolescence, of course, is the height of self-indulgence and self-importance. We all believe in instant gratification at that age and we also think we know everything. If I love her, I’m not letting her go, I’m going to hold onto her tight!
In college, I began to grasp the concept. I was more moved by the typical follow-on, “if they return, they’re yours forever.” Yes, I thought to myself, I’ll prove that she should be with me by not fighting when she wants to leave. Then she’ll realize just how much I love her and come back. Though I was on the right track, reality didn’t reflect the theory I had in my head. My mistake was focusing on the wrong end goal: her being with me. That was what I wanted, and that’s what the quote was telling me how to accomplish…or so I thought.
Many years passed after college before I realized that my theory was incorrect. It took a single girl, a girl I thought I loved, who wanted to fly away. With my college-age approach firmly intact, I let her go. Much to my amazement and happiness, she returned shortly thereafter, ensuring me that she was certain she wanted to be with me. I rejoiced in the belief that I had done right thing. After all, I achieved my end goal.
We were together for just two more months before she took off again. This wasn’t part of the deal. I let her go and she came back, I thought that meant she was mine forever? There was no part saying that I’d have to let her go multiple times. And then if I left her go multiple times, do I still expect her to come back multiple times? My understanding would be tested as she later came back, proclaimed that she loved me, and wanted me back.
In one of those shocking moments of clarity we all have periodically, I knew this was wrong. Yes, I was yearning to be with her and it felt like I loved her, but there was something else. My sense of self-preservation told me this was unhealthy. I loved her and let her go, and she came back, but now I felt used. And so I turned her away. I didn’t want to be caught in a loop of her running away and coming back. Twice was enough, and each time my heart broke more. The next time could be unbearable.
At that point, I began to think that the quote had no true meaning. It had failed me on so many levels and led to my being alone. The whole point was to get someone to be with me, right? Clearly, this was bad advice.
A very recent occurrence changed my mind again. I found out that a long-time girlfriend, one that I still cared for, got married. My heart broke and I spent the next several days trying to sort through my feelings. We had broken up five years ago and I didn’t realize I still had such strong feelings for her. I remember the first time we met and how I felt compelled to protect her. Something in my soul just reached out to her and I knew I would do anything to make her happy. We were together for two wonderful years before things started to change. She wanted to get married and dropped an increasing number of hints as to this fact. Though I loved her, I just couldn’t picture marrying her. I was upset at myself for feeling this way, but I knew it to be true.
The problem was that there was nothing really wrong with our relationship. We didn’t fight and still loved being with each other. We had hit a bit of a rough patch, but it wasn’t the sort of thing you’d typically consider ending a relationship over. I enjoyed her companionship and easily could have stayed with her longer. We were both about 28 and I knew getting married and having a family was high on her wish list. What’s more, she wanted to do it with me. If we had been younger, I probably would have felt no pressing need to make a decision about the future. Given the timing, though, I felt like there was only one appropriate course of action: I had to let her go. I couldn’t give her what she wanted, and I had no desire to prevent her from achieving it. And so on a cold Saturday in October, we had a talk. The talk. We were over and I can’t remember ever feeling so horrible.
Knowing that she’s married now made me question my decision. I had a wonderful girl who adored me and would have done anything for me, and I know she would make a great wife and mother…why wasn’t that good enough for me? If I had made a mistake, it was now too late to correct it, and I was crushed. It was only through a conversation with a good friend that I gained the proper perspective. She got exactly what I wanted for her. For as long as I’ve known her, I’ve wanted her to be happy, and I would have moved heaven and earth to ensure her happiness. Breaking up with her was painful for both of us but ultimately it led her to the man who could fulfill her dreams and ultimately make her happy.
I now understand what I was missing about the quote: the point isn’t to make me happy or find me someone, the goal is to make her happy. The whole point of letting go is to put your own comfort and happiness aside so that the other person can be happy. When we first broke up, I thought I did it because I didn’t love her anymore. Now I know that I did it because I loved her so much.
Agree? Disagree? Leave a comment!
Want to discuss love and dating with us? Join our community!
Related Posts
If you enjoyed this post, please consider to leave a comment or subscribe to the feed and get future articles delivered to your feed reader.
Comments
No comments yet.
Leave a comment