This is why you see the fat, bald older guy with the 20-something hot chick. You want to hate him, but the first thing you actually think is, man, he must have tons of money or be a great lover or be famous. Social validation. I admit it, when I see beautiful, stunning ex-girlfriends of guys I date, I am inclined to think wow, if he can get women like that, he must be incredible! And it’s true, I’m now in the gym 5x/week to get back my former “hot body”, and there’s no way I would say it’s simply for me. It’s for men. So I am absolutely guilty of buying into this concept (and sorry ladies, have to point out that even the geeky and ugly guys are guilty of hyper-focusing on the “allure of the hot one”).

However, over time I have come to feel sorry for men who need this social validation more than – literally – the a woman that is multidimensional, extraordinary, a true match, but maybe just “cute” instead of gorgeous. The men who date such women are usually ridiculously insecure (no matter how good looking they are themselves) and are endlessly searching for the woman who is BOTH things – drop dead gorgeous and the perfect match emotionally, spiritually, etc. Because of that, they are often still bachelors into their mid 40′s, and as time goes by, the quest for the perfect one becomes even more fine-tuned and unrealistic. The guys in the early or mid-30′s start to get it, but by then they have left behind one or more incredible women who just weren’t quite hot enough, and they start to (like the 40+ bachelors) become even more picky because of what they’ve already passed up OR they start “settling” on factors around true compatibility. It’s just sad. I want to say pathetic, but it’s not quite that simple. I truly believe men have lost a lot of their “automatic” authority/leadership/rock of the family status as women sought equality in society. A little lost, they cling to the one standard that all MEN can at least agree on – the hot chick. They still have that, and no one can take that away, at least not in the Boys Club. I get it. I even have empathy.

But…for those men, let me be as equally honest:

Women talk about this as well. We snicker at you, and mock you behind your back. We know you are insecure and that’s why you put up with that (hostile/stupid/rude/uneducated/boring/stuck-up) woman you call your girlfriend. We hyper-focus on your lack of beauty where we might not have noticed, for the simple fact that you, darling, are not in her league looks-wise. We know, without a shadow of a doubt, you will leave her like a little boy if her looks change. We also know, because of this need for social validation and approval by other men, no matter how beautiful she is, you are 100x more likely to cheat on her. We talk too. It’s not nice what we say. You can tell yourself and your buddies it’s just jealousy. It’s not, we know you need this to feel better about yourself. Though not always true, we assume it’s because you can’t stand alone on your own merits, that you need that trophy girlfriend or wife to point out to the world you are a success! We know it’s not just about attraction, we know it’s also about the need for validation from your buddies.

So if you walk into the room with “the hot one” on your arm, make sure you’re as equally hot. Or that woman better be as beautiful inside as she is out (good luck). If not, know that while your buddies give you the high fives, and the “oooh, nice catch!” comments, their girlfriends and wives (after the initial pause thinking hmm, is he rich or famous or great in bed?)are focusing on your most unattractive feature – insecurity.

You cannot argue, however, that we first notice someone’s looks. Unless you’re blind, that’s typically what gets your attention first.

And sAs, I’m eternally grateful for girls like you who like the geeky/funny guys. We do try harder, and I’m glad you enjoy it.

As much as I salivate after HOT Ed Burns/Ben Bratt look-a-likes — I prefer the more quirky, geeky and hilarious options out there. I’ve tried to convince some of my closer guy friends that I’m not full of shit when I tell them I’m certain less-attractive guys are the BETTER pick (lovers, companions, etc.), since they TRY so much HARDER.