When Chemistry Isn’t Enough . . .
I have been seeing this woman for a month. Just last night, after what should have been a really romantic dinner, it became abundantly clear . . . She’s not for me.
The thing is, I adore her. She’s strong, beautiful on the inside and out, and honest. She’s true to herself and others. What could be wrong with that, right?
Everything else.
If there is a more polar opposite couple, please make them known to me now. I would love to hear about them.
She can be a little cold and distant; I’m warm and inviting. She’s conservative; I’m liberal. She works with numbers, and the thought of writing even a simple letter sends her into an anxiety attack. I make a living by writing and can barely balance a checkbook. Her family holds everything in; my family wears their hearts on their sleeve. She takes a while to warm up to people; I makes friends instantly. She likes silence; Music is a part of my soul. She attends church; I am agnostic.
There’s more, but I think I’ve made my point.
How can we be attracted to one another? I don’t know . . . I can only say this one little word . . . Chemistry.
When I get around her, my anxiety melts away, and I can stare into her eyes for hours without effort.
Whenever I mention all of this to friends, they say the same thing.
“Well, you know, sometimes opposites attract.”
Sure, it seems possible, but in my case, is it really?
I also wonder if I didn’t fall for the woman I hoped she would be and not the woman that she is.
I guess it doesn’t really matter because, ultimately I fell for her a little. Now I must walk the long road back from attraction to something different, and I need to make that trip rather quickly.
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Comments
You are absolutely correct. Fortunately for me, I realized that the chasm between us was too great. Even though it was really fun, I knew that once the hormones calmed down, and “real life” set in, things were going to get rocky. In the interest of fair disclosure, I think she sensed this first, and started to pull away. That issue is something I will get into in my next post.
Thanks for reading . . .
I’ve been in the process of ending this same relationship for months now. The chemistry is so great when I’m in his arms, but we are total opposites. On a day to day basis he bores me. It has been very hard for both of us to end our relationship because we do not want to give up “the feeling”. It’s funny that you say you think you fell for the woman you think or know she can be. He said this same thing to me many times. By the way, that hurts.
Thanks for writing, Bonnie. I would like to clarify, though. I didn’t say that I fell for the woman, I thought she could be. I do think that’s hurtful.
What I wrote was that I fell for the woman that I hoped she would be. The difference, though seemingly subtle, or not at all, is really huge.
Saying something like she wasn’t the person I thought she could be, is something completely different. To me, that’s saying something that is disparaging. It’s tantamount to saying, “wow you could be a perfect fit, but because you’re not trying hard enough, it’s never going to work. You’re the reason why we won’t work. You could be it, but you’re not, and it’s your fault.”
This is not at all what I am saying.
What I was saying is that when the chemistry set in, I didn’t know her at all, really. We talked a lot about our backgrounds and our home lives, and there seemed to be enough similar there to really make something work. Consequently, I started to dream about what it would be like to date her, get to know her better . . . When I started to really get to know who she was on a day to day basis, I realized it wasn’t what I had dreamed of. She wasn’t a better or worse person, she was different. There was no fault or problem with her or me. We were just two different people. She just wasn’t the right fit.
It was only after more probing and talking that we found this out. As I mentioned in another comment. In the interest of fair disclosure, I think she sensed this first and started to pull away.
On another side note, I think this is one of the differences that happens to older people. In our 20’s I wouldn’t have cared. I would have run with the chemistry, and would have followed it to it’s bitter end. In my 30’s, I’m smart enough to ask the right questions, listen to the answers, and determine if there’s really something there.
Cheers,
CityBoy
Opposites do attract, but you don’t find out until you’re into the relationship just how much of a problem it might be. That first rush, when you get an instant connection, there’s nothing like it, you aren’t yourself, and the same must be true of your partner, you compromise, make sacrifices, for a while at least, then you find out she hates football, for example, and the pressure builds to stay with her rather than go with your mates for some “my time” – nothing is ever perfect, compromise is the key, in my humble opinion.