Listen, Feel it, Own it.
I know it’s not going to work, and in my head, I’m already over her.
My heart, on the other hand takes a little longer. I need to stop getting that little adrenaline push when she walks into the room. The twinge of pain I feel when I see her with someone else is almost gone, but I’m gonna need another week or two at the most. Then, I’ll be completely over it altogether.
Women have impeccable timing. She showed up at an informal gathering.
She seems fine with everything.
I am not.
I try; I pretend to be cool. I talk to other friends, and I’m sitting at a table with three or four other women, laughing, joking, and telling stories. To any other guy in the joint, I look like a little bit like a stud, but I’m distracted. I want to talk to her; I want to be with her, even though I know it’s over. My brain knows better, but my heart doesn’t really care. It wants what it wants, and I want it to stop.
My friends know something’s wrong. They can tell. I’m looking around the room, but they don’t know at what, or at whom. They ask, but I dare not say. It’s embarrassing; after all, I’m the cool, laid back, kind of guy, right?
Wrong.
I’m nowhere near that guy. . .
Why?
I decided I need to figure out why I seem to fall for the wrong girl, then have such a hard time getting over her. After weeks of reflection, thought, and many, many late night drinks with friends, I think I have broken it down.
For starters . . .
I spent an inordinate amount of time wondering what she’s thinking, feeling, and what she wants me to do, or not do. Sure, it’s about her. I want to please her, and I want her to like me, but I never really focused on what I was feeling or thinking.
My goal had always been, “get the girl,” not get, “the right girl” or the “compatible girl.”
Just “get the girl.”
As a consequence, I ignored some pretty big red flags. These clues might have helped me maintain a safe distance in the first place.
I have always been able to listen carefully, but I never stopped to think about how what she says affects me. When She told me she still, “had dreams about her ex-boyfriend.” I ignored it. I chalked it up to honesty. I told myself she was just letting me know where she stood, emotionally, and that’s exactly what she was doing, but I never stopped to think about what it meant and how it made me feel. When I did finally tune in, it was awful. It told me she wasn’t over her ex. It was dissapointing. If I had tuned in, I would have steered clear after our first date.
Yep, she said that on our first date. I need to tune into how what she says makes me feel in the future.
Ok now. Why does it take me so long to get over even the shortest relationship?
Whenever I see her now. I try to play coy. I pretend like I didn’t even notice her presence until she’s been in the room for a long while. I pretend like nothing bothers me, and I am impervious to my own emotions.
Well that hasn’t been working.
Maybe rather than fight the feeling, I should own it. I should admit to someone what is really going on, maybe even tell Her. The thought of owning what I’m feeling rather than running away from it makes me feel more comfortable.
Sure it’s embarrassing at first, after all, men aren’t supposed to show emotion, but if I can’t tell my closest friends what I’m feeling, then maybe, I don’t have any close friends.
Fortunately, I do have close friends, and while it’s still embarrassing, I am quickly over that, and I feel better walking around in my own shoes.
When I get the center of what I want and what I’m feeling, I know I’ll be more at ease.
That’s the goal, anyway.
After all is said and done, one thing keeps me going. It is the knowledge that all the soul-searching, thought, awkward and sometimes painful circumstances is going to eventually lead me to the right girl, and when she makes herself known, I’ll be ready for her.
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Comments
wow! this post brought back some memories for me, made me remember some of the emotions I went through when my ex broke up with me, it was really difficult at the time especially since she didnt really give me a good reason for ending the relationship, but then I later discovered that she was dating someone else. it was really painful at the time because I really loved her and as a result of that love I too was blinded to a lot of the red flags as mentioned in the post.
But it was all good because, just like the post said towards the end, I did end up meeting the right girl and i’m now married to that right girl so just like the bible says “all things work together for the good of them that love God and are called according to his purpose”
The pain I had to endure was worth it because it led me to find Mrs Right. Thanks for this post.
If theres any guy experiencing this kind of pain from the breakup of a relationship always remember that it isnt the end of the world, see it as God doing you a favour, isnt it better for a courtship to break up than to marry this person and for it to end in divorce?
Be thankful in all things and never give up hope, who knows, the next lady might be Mrs Right!
I agree this post brought back some memories for me. I have not really used dating site and I think they like other sites really do have the user in this world on flghts and people wonting to expand and experiment. SO dating site are the obvious way to go. I have had a few back break up but I am here to say that there ia some one for everyone. I have been married for nearly 4 years and I have a beautiful 2year old. Just wanted to say never give up trying
I agree totally with you … first just be true to yourself. Admit to yourself what you feel for the other person and there is no harm in letting her/him know about the feelings. So what if it is one sided feeling…at least you know you told it rather than repenting entire life. And yes, there is some one for everyone!!!
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