The talk

There’s a fairly small number of reasons that relationships end. Well, there seem to be a lot of different ways to end relationships, but they all boil down to three things in my mind:

  1. There’s someone else. Whether that means someone actually cheated or not is irrelevant; interest in someone else usually leads to the end of a relationship sooner or later.
  2. Big argument. He left the toilet seat up one too many times. She doesn’t like his friends. The number of arguments we have in relationships is infinite, but it just takes one big one to throw the relationship away.
  3. Going separate directions. This is also sometimes called “outgrowing” your partner (to be polite, of course). It really means that you both dont want the same thing anymore, whether that be in your career or relationship.

Perhaps the most heartbreaking is number three because it seems like there’s nothing “wrong” with the relationship. The problem is that it’s not exactly “right” either. That’s usually when the talk happens.

The talk is a completely heartfelt admission by one of you that things can’t stay the way they are. It can center around any number of topics but the end result is the same. Sometimes this takes one of you by surprise while others know that the relationship is building to the talk.

Why is it called the talk? Because it’s usually initiated by saying, “we need to talk,” or “can we talk?” When you hear either of these, you know that your relationship is going to take a sudden turn. And frequently, you will have no choice in the matter. Your partner has already made up his or her mind, and things are about to change.

Most of my relationships have ended with the talk. That doesn’t necessarily reflect anything about my dating style, just about my choice in women. I tend to pick partners that I respect and admire, and I hope that they feel the same way about me. Thus I’ve only ever been cheated on once and only ever had a big argument end a relationship once. The rest all centered around the talk. And in some ways, that has been more difficult.

Ending a relationship with the talk always leaves the door open. You don’t hate each other, there’s nothing concrete to point to as a dealbreaker. It’s kind of exciting thinking that you could run into that person in another place and time and things might actually work out. But in the short term, there are more questions than answers.

This doesn’t mean you should pick a fight or cheat to avoid the complexities of the talk, just that you should be prepared.

2 thoughts on “The talk”

  1. Well put. The crazy thing about the talk is that the one initiating the talk doesn’t have a hard time doing so because of the fact things are not so bad. It always seems like it’s easier for someone to end a relationship that need not end then a one in great need of termination. You see if all the time. A girl that is clearly being mistreated and fears being without the one mistreating her. On the other hand, you find a woman/man with a wonderful man/woman and for some reason, find so many things wrong about the relationship to the point where they feel they can’t move on together. It just shows how the mind of the opposite sex works. Those that leave under those circumstances ALWAYS end up looking back at a regretful decision and by then it ALWAYS seems to be too late.

  2. Hey Zack, although I know exactly what you mean when you mention `the talk` I have to disagree with you on it being a separate reason.

    Each partner going their separate ways is usually because of a lack of interest in the other´s life, love, and attention.

    The cause is the same as the one behind ´there´s someone else´: there wasn´t (enough) attraction anymore.


    Think about it: whenever a guy and a girl who are madly in love face an obstacle that could separate them, one usually sacrifices his/her own interests for the other.

    Example: they move to another town together because he can get a much better job there.

    Whenever he/she doesn´t want to give up their own interests for the interests of someone else, you have to ask how big the interest was in the other person in the first place.

    It´s typical behavior for people in love to attach more value to the wellbeing of the one they love than to their own wellbeing.

    Anyways, that lack of interest, the lack of attraction?

    Is because everything has become predictable, he (and she as well) doesn´t invest (enough) time and energy into creating attraction anymore…

    And the result is two people who go see a movie together or who live together who have sex… but are NOT romantically interested in each other anymore.

    Solution: never let things get predictable and keep investing them and energy in yourself and the one you love.

    It isn´t that hard either: used to kissing the wife goodbye every morning?

    Don´t do it for a change. Or give her a hug instead of a kiss for a week. It makes things unpredictable and exciting again.

    The little things matter more than you´d think!

    To More Dating Success,

    Dennis Miedema
    Win With Women

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