Write’em off . . .

Sometimes you just have to write people off. It’s not that you’re mad with them, but there comes a point at which you realize that you’re not getting what you need out of a relationship, and it’s time for the relationship to end.

Kerri is a fun girl. Make no mistake about it; she is crazy fun. Every time I wondered how I had so much energy the night before, and why I stayed out so late, the reason was always the same. Kerri was in town. I was attracted to Kerri. Who wouldn’t be? She’s a fun, smart, sexy, redhead, who loves to party, sing karaoke and dance. She can crack dirty jokes with the boys, and was always up for another round. She was a one-woman circus who could keep us all entertained, and best of all, she seemed to like me.

Problems started as I was organizing a series of group events. Kerri would always say she was coming, but would never appear.

Anytime I organize a group event, I know there’s always going to be a few flakes . . . Things happen, stuff crops up, it happens all the time, and it’s not that big of a deal. With Kerri, however, it was the rule not the exception. Others in my group started to make a joke of her attendance, or the lack thereof, and some wanted me to ban her from the group. At first I made light of it too, but after a while I started to realize, this is just the way she is.

I have heard it said that 75% of life is just showing up. Well, Kerri wasn’t showing up. This doesn’t make her a bad person, but the question is, am I willing to accept people who behave like this? Is there room for them in my life? Should I keep investing, caring, and defending a relationship, even a friendship, if I don’t like the fact that she doesn’t seem to follow through?

I am all for accepting people for who they are, but at some point I felt like I needed to see if I was getting what I needed out of this relationship as it was. After all, she’s not going to change, see the error in her ways, and start behaving the way I want her to.

She’s Kerri. She is who she is, and it’s fine.

It’s just not fine for me.

I wasn’t angry; I wasn’t hurt, and I didn’t make any decision out of these emotions. I just realized that I didn’t want to invest in people if they weren’t really going to show a little caring for me.

How did this happen? She was my favorite in our little group, and now I didn’t even give a crap one way or another . . . How sad.

I had recently purchased a home, and decided to throw a housewarming party. I specifically told my guests that in light of the economy, there was no need to bring any gifts. Kerri told me she’d be there, and like clockwork, she flaked. I wasn’t hurt; I was past that. It wasn’t even that big of a deal, but the final straw came in the form of an e-mail from Kerri.

As usual, I missed an event..lol.. surprise! But it was your house warming and for that, I am sorry. I have a gift for you tomorrow though.. I haven’t forgotten. So please see the principal after school!! Don’t ignore me like you always do…

-K

Ignore you? Ha! Now that is a laugh. As if I, am somehow the bad guy here. I didn’t utter a cross word about her missing events. I didn’t talk badly about her to the others, and I was friendly every time we met, and yet, I’m ignoring her. Wow!

The next day, I saw her at a social event. She was really late, and evidently had slipped into the back of the room and was sitting with some other people. Eventually, I saw her, she smiled and I walked over to say hello and be cordial. She smiled, looked over, and then hid her face grinning the whole time. She looked at me, giggled and said, “I suck at life.”

I was confused; I had no idea what that meant. Plus, it didn’t really matter that much because I was sort of over the whole thing anyway.

“I forgot your gift,” she said giggling, smiling and laughing as though it was funny.

It wasn’t funny to me. It was just kind of sad. It was yet one more flaky thing in a line of flaky things that she has done, and I was totally over it.

“It would matter, if I cared,” I said calmly, and walked away.

She made another comment which may or may not have contained the word a**hole, but I didn’t really care.

The point of all of this is to let you know, dear reader, that it’s ok to get rid of people who don’t give you what you need. The key is to calmly, rationally figure out what your needs are, then invest in those people who really give it to you. I don’t need a one-woman circus, a whirlwind, or a crazy, hot, sexy, party girl. I just want the girl who will take the time to be there, to follow through. Kerri wasn’t that girl. I still like Kerri for who she is, but it’s not what I am, and I don’t have enough space to let her in anymore.

5 thoughts on “Write’em off . . .”

  1. She is just teasing you. She did that to see how you would response or that she is giving a message that she is not into relationship just yet.

  2. I completely agree with you. I’ve had this happen a few times and it’s hard not to take it personally at first. But sometimes you have to acknowledge that if it’s not an even friendship or relationship with 50/50 give and take, then it’s not worth putting your effort into.

    With someone like her, it’s tough because she doesn’t recognise how lame she’s being. I would probably half continue to invite her to stuff, but only when included as a large group invite. No point in wasting effort calling up or staying diligently in contact when she doesn’t give you the same respect.

  3. You seem secure with your feelings, and it’s great that you’ve taken the opportunity to share your optimism. You understand that to each is own, and you will still continue to live your life believing that there’s someone suitable for you.

    I believe you’ve taken the right stance if Kerri truly cared she would make time for you and be true to her word.

  4. Hey Cityboy, as a dating coach, I’d like to add my own two cents here. Don’t worry, this is not where I’ll be talking from way up in my ivory tower.

    Most guys DON’T get rid of the women that don’t give them what they want and women don’t get rid of the useless men.

    Why?

    Because most people FEAR CHANGE… a lot. Most people would rather stay with someone so they have someone around and know what to expect…

    Than to be all alone and in situations where things don’t seem that certain anymore.

    You see, in their minds, breaking up, being single and getting a date again will take a lot more effort than just staying with someone…

    But that’s BS, because no effort doesn’t equal being happy AT ALL. Hell, the most precious things in life will come to you after a lot of hard work…

    But staying the same is just so much easier and way less confronting, which is exactly why most people don’t get rid of the people that don’t give them what they want.

    And if you’re reading this and recognize yourself in what I just described, ask yourself: do I want to be happy… or do I want to be comfortable?

    I choose happiness over being comfortable ANY DAY, but do you?

    To More Dating Success,

    Dennis Miedema
    Win With Women

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