I was on about thirteen different dating sites (no joke). I did not do well on dating sites because I was too damn picky. I don’t mean that I was unfair, I mean I had these incredibly high expectations. I wouldn’t date someone who wanted kids, I wouldn’t date someone who was divorced, I wouldn’t date someone who was a repulican. I had put all these qualifiers on my searches and I kept getting the same kind of people. The kinds I didn’t want. So finally one day a friend told me about some book where the woman would accept a date from anyone who asked for a year. I wasn’t ready for that, so I did three months. Anyone who showed interest on me, I’d write back. I screened only against the criminally insane and those looking for hook-ups. I talked to guys I never thought I’d be interested in, guys with kids, divorcees, guys who argued with me about politics. I talked to all of them. Then at the end of the three months I was giving up because still no dates.

Then I got a smiley from my future fiance. His ad was funny, it was short, he was a divorcee who wasn’t sure about kids and listed himself as a Christian. No one I would have talked to before that. But I gave it a chance. Turns out he’s not really a Christian, he just hadn’t let go of the label. He didn’t want children but was afraid to say that. We hit it off and we are getting married in 2012.

The truth is that just like in the 3-D world, people aren’t always what they seem. Dating sites are designed to weed out undesirable characteristics, but the sites use people’s skewed self-perception in order to make those distinctions. I found over the course of my internet dating that most men say they want kids (whether they do or not), because they assume that all women want a man who wants kids. I do not want children, so that was a turn off for me. If more people had been honest, I would have gone on a few more dates.

So basically I think you should have a life. Get outside your house and experience the world. It’s good for you and makes you a more well rounded person. The trick to getting dates is not to look for the person who best fits you, but work on being the kind of person people want to date. Use dating websites because they are a fantastic resource. Then just send some emails and don’t be so finicky. See what’s out there, you might be surprised what you find.

But when it comes to dating sites? Let me just say that no matchmaking-like site has the technology that can predict emotions. And attraction IS based on emotions, it’s NEVER based on logical reasoning…

Just because I like basketball doesn’t mean that woman A who likes it too is my soulmate. She’s just another b-ball fan like me. That’s why I hate matchmaking sites.

And as a dating coach that also teaches online dating? I can tell from experience that the best place to meet women online… is NOT on a dating site, but on a social network.

Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn… depends on your age and location. Why do they work better? More people there plus they have a genuine interest in you:

On a dating site there are women who are kinda curious, on a social network a woman’s there to chat with friends and not really for dating. So, she’s interested when you get her phone number…

I’ve been meeting women online for 5 years now and I can honestly say that I’ve met 90% of all the women I’ve dated through a social network… and the best ones through a social network.

Hell, my girlfriend is one of the people I met on the biggest social network over here in the Netherlands (Hyves).

So, are you sure you wan’t to write of online dating altogether? Because you might be looking for women in the wrong places my friend…

To More Dating Success,

Dennis Miedema
Win With Women