How Much Is Too Much?


I met Sheila a couple of weeks ago, and I have to admit, I am rather taken by her. She’s funny, fun to be around, smart, and attractive. What’s more, she’s new to town, ready and willing to try new things and go to places she’s not been before.

At this point, I can’t tell whether she sees me as just a friendly tour guide, or something more. I’m pretty cool about things, and either way, I’m happy, but I really want to know at some point. I figure pretty soon I might make some subtle advances and see if they’re returned, and that’s where the debate comes in. . .

My best female, friend, Brenda advises against this. Her philosophy seems to be to play the aloof card. In fact, with Sheila’s out of town on business and her birthday mere days away, I thought it might be nice to call and sing happy birthday on her answering machine. Is it a little goofy? Yes, but that’s me; that’s who I am. She seems to like me so far . . . right?

Brenda’s response, “NOOOOOOOOOOOO, you can’t do that!!! You’ll immediately place yourself in the friend category . . . Bad idea!!!”

“Well maybe I should just call, then?”, dejected by the strong admonition.

“No don’t call her, “ she nodded, convinced that this, too, was a bad idea.

“What? Am I just supposed to ignore her birthday?”, I replied, shocked at the advice I was hearing.  Brenda didn’t really have an answer for that . . .

I mean, I like this woman. Are we in 4th grade again? What am I supposed to do? Pull her hair? Call her names? I thought we were past all of this stuff as adults, and while I understand that panting like a loyal dog is not a way to win her heart, ignoring her doesn’t seem like a good thing either.

I’m a “do what I say I’m gonna do” kind of guy. If I tell you I will call. I will call. I don’t wait until the last second. If I want to take you out, I won’t wait past Wednesday to set something up. I just don’t see any point in pretending like I don’t care, if I do.

I realize, this philosophy can be taken too far, and may make some women uncomfortable. I know where that point is. I’m not gushing over her. I make eye contact, and get good eye contact in return. I keep plans light, and flexible, but I’m consistently available when I say I will be. If she wants to make plans, and I’m busy, I offer up another time or an alternate plan that works better with my schedule.

At the end of the day however, my heart is on my sleeve, and I believe I’m being told, that’s not a good thing. I think need to get some more clarity on where the line is.

Which brings me to my dilemma, ladies – especially the single ladies: How much aloof, is too much aloof? Do you ever get to a point where you cut him off because he’s too aloof? On the other hand, how much is too much? What are the rules, or are there any rules?

Your input is valuable . . .


Incidentally, I texted Sheila on her birthday . . . at the risk of losing my anonymity, it read like this . . .

“May your day be filled with fun.

May your belly be filled with laughs.

And may your mouth be filled with cake.


I hope you’re doing something fun!!!”


Was it too much?

5 thoughts on “How Much Is Too Much?”

  1. Personally I always make my intensions clear…like saying..”I am very interested in getting to know you better..if the attraction I feel for you is real..the possibilities are you feel the same?!” You need to find someone other than your friend who wants you to keep playing secret squirrel. I have had men tell me straight out..”I know we are just meeting..but I am trying with all my heart to be what you need ..want..and desire because I want to grow old with you.” I believe in love AT first sight. I also believe communication is the key to unlock whatever you need or want in this life. If the lady is single..go for it!! You have nothing to are already gone on her..good luck!!

  2. I must be a freak of nature! I am a straight-up (some call it blunt/direct) woman, too, and I really can’t stand the aloof BS, the “wait so many days” BS, and all the other BS. What a load of crap. Be sincere. God! I think your ideas were all just fine. “Friend” category? Hardly. Depending on (too many to worry about) variables, it could still go either way-hot, hot, hot, or good friends… besides, I’ve had more than a few male friends turn into something more, so… I’d say be who you are and act on your inspirations; some of us women love men who are inspired to do something out of the ordinary (OK, edit yourself if you are rip-roaring drunk). You sound like a man who is assertive, respectful, and fun. What’s not to love about that? I’ve come to the point myself that if someone is scared off by my direct manner, then they really aren’t man enough for me anyway. It’s called flirting. If they keep flirting back, then keep flirting, it’s fun. I’ve no patience for stupid games. Weed out the weaklings. If you do something fun or nice for a woman and she’s scared off by it, then better to nip that early on anyway, and get on to someone who isn’t freaked by your kindness. If you really like someone, I think playing hard to get is stupid and dehumanizing, actually. I don’t see anything sexy about it. If someone is genuinely unsure of his or her feelings, then “hard to get” is just someone who is still deciding how he or she feels. Otherwise it’s childish.

    Yes, I have a very low tolerance for aloofness, and contrary to the majority of dating advice I see, it does not make a man look more “mysterious”, nor ratchet up my desire for him. It makes me think he is a game-playing jerkoff, and it’s a dealbreaker. He shouldn’t be so indecisive and out of touch with himself that he can’t figure out how he feels sooner than “however many days”. He should know if he wants to spend time with me or not, and if he does, he should make it a priority, not something at the bottom of his “to do” list. I am not a “bottom of the list” girl, and I don’t treat men I’m attracted to like they rank below having my hair done. Sure, flirt along the way to build up the sexual tension, and to be sure you are on friendly territory, but don’t kill it with aloofness. I like a man who is man enough to put himself out there. That is what ratchets up my desire for him… If he can’t come and take it, he isn’t going to get it. And being the direct woman that I am, he will know right away if his advances are wanted or not. (Btw, by “direct”, I do not mean cold and direct, I mean… I will look you in the eye and let you see the smile and the gleam in my eye that you’ve stirred up in me…I will back it up with words of encouragement, a compliment, or a gentle teasing, and even flat-out say what I think of you… well, I probably won’t tell you right off that I’ve pictured you in the shower all lathered up… but you WILL know I like I you. I’m not afraid of the potential for rejection.) Then all the BS is aside, and the fun can begin. As for the line for being too direct? If you don’t get any positive feedback, move on. The type of responses should be a clue to how to pace things. I’d cut someone off if they pushed and I wasn’t interested at all, but not if I liked him and he was respectful and playful. If it were going too fast, I’d probably just say so.

  3. You’re obviously seriously interested in this girl, so playing aloof generally isn’t going to send the right signal.

    Playing aloof works with girls who are playing the field more (but you’re not interested in that… right?) so there’s no need to go down that road – if she’s playing the field, you’ll naturally put yourself out of the equation by not being aloof.

    Having said that – that happy bday thing is high risk – low reward – what do you expect to get from it?

    You should be thinking about it this way: Make your intentions clear subtly.

    That means avoid all the big signals that would scare her off, but when you’re together make sure you create the right vibe by the way you interact. Friends vs. more than friends are just different together.

    If you’re more than friends you’re more teasing and more touchy – the more subtle the more powerful ‘the more than friends’ vibe.

  4. The text wasn’t too much, but you’re running the risk of becoming a friend.

    You know there are 8 defferent types of women, all of which have different wants and needs. So as you can imagine it’s hard to give you advice without knowing more info.

    I will say this though… Within the first 3 – 10 minutes of meeting you, she made up her mind on whether or not you fit her type. If you’re going out on a “date”, then it’s looking good mate.

    Stop over thinking, just enjoy yourselves, have fun, be playful, talk, touch (I don’t mean feeling her up) and get to know one and other. Move and flow from there.

    All the best mate

  5. “Was it too much?”

    Yep. You’re in the Friend Zone, anyway.

    I can tell.

    Too available.

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