All posts by Mr. Write

I'm just a guy who likes to pretend he's got the dating thing figured out, but really has no fricken clue. All I know is, men are from Mars, women are from Venus, he's just not that into you, and always make an effort to find the little man in the boat.

Top 10 Posts of 2008

Happy 2009! I just woke up from a wicked New Year’s Eve hangover and figured it was time to take a look back at 2008.

And what a year it’s been. Last February 1st, we launched DatingThoughts.com with a handful of talented and single 30-something bloggers in the San Francisco Bay Area. Throughout the year, we romanced all manner of dating topics, from kissing tips to 20s vs 30s to waiting for phone calls. (And who hasn’t been in that exhausting situation before?)

Then on August 7th we set up our dating forums, which allowed you, our faithful readers, to pose and debate even more dating topics, such as: dating after a broken engagement, help with breaking up, and text messaging vs calling. (Phone calls apparently are a popular topic.)

From all of this flirting and fun, we’ve gone through our logs and given a rose to the top 10 most popular posts. And they are:

Dating is a great topic, isn’t it? Whether you hate it or love it, chances are you have a strong opinion about it. All of us at DatingThoughts.com sure do. If you would like to share your opinions, theories, experiences, rants, and raves, then become a blogger for DatingThoughts.com! We’re always looking for 30-somethings in the San Francisco Bay Area with something to say about dating.

How to Talk to Girls

So obvious, even nine year old Alec Greven knows how to talk to girls…

Says the wise and experienced Greven:

“There’s a girl for every boy. Don’t give up! And don’t think girls are gross. They are girls, what’s wrong with them?

“If she’s walking past you, you could say, “Hey, did you see that episode of…” and say that. Or, if you’re brave enough, you can walk up to the girl and say, “Hi.” If the girl says “Hi” back, then you’re off to a really good start.

“You should give a lot of compliments. But if you give too many compliments, it will look like you’re trying too hard to get the girl to like you. And she’ll think, “Why is this boy giving me so many compliments?” And then she might figure out that you love her – and that’s bad, because your secret is that no one finds out you love her.

“Once you get a girl to like you, you have to keep doing all these things I mention in the book. Like be friendly, be clean, control your hyperness… do all that stuff. And then if you keep going on that, you’ll have success and you can keep her ’till middle school and possibly ’till high school. That’s when you start taking her out to dates and everything. And then – who knows – you can get married!”

Nerds Make Better Lovers

You probably know this already, but it’s true! Tracey Lomrantz from The Daily News reports that nerds make better lovers.

[E. Jean Carroll, Elle magazine’s love and sex advice columnist,] insists that a woman who is willing to stick it out with a nerd and get past his quirks will be handsomely rewarded. “Don’t give up on him too fast,” she said. “If you stick with him, he’s going to turn out to be really great.”

I guess this means I can now embrace my nerdiness and display it for all to be seen. I can wear my thick glasses with the tape in the middle, roll down my window and blast Weezer from my car, and hold pens and pencils in my shirt pocket. Woo hoo!

Girl:
Hey nerd-boy, is that a roll of quarters in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Boy:
This? Why, it’s my Boba Fett action figure!
Girl:
That’s so hot! Take me now, nerd-boy, take me!
Boy:
Wait, I can’t see! My glasses are fogging up!

Sex School

“I am sitting on the floor with 18 other women… taking a class on how to give a good hand job.”

Now THAT is how you start an article.

A friend just forwarded me the article “What I Learned in Sex School” and wanted to share some of the tantalizing tidbits I’ve taken from it, so that the women in the audience can drive us men even more wild than you already do:

  • Tap into all your senses

    Isolate and indulge each sense. The more intimate you become with each, the more pleasure you’ll receive from each. One lesson involves blindfolding your partner while you are the “sensory explorer.” Another involves rubbing something on each other’s skin, like a feather or honey. Yum.

  • Touch “everything but”

    “The object of this class is to drive a man insane,” says the instructor. Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about! And just how do you do that? By touching everything but his penis. Ooo…

  • Use both hands

    “When you’re ready to handle his man bone, don’t be afraid to use both hands — well lubed up.” If that isn’t the best sentence ever, I don’t know what is. A suggested technique is: “With one hand or two, gently twist from side to side. Next, use your palms to apply even pressure. Stroke up and off in one swift movement (schwing!), then stroke straight down — you want to give a slight sense of penetration.” Awesome.

  • A little clothing is sexier than naked

    This is so true. Pull your panties down a bit. Lift your bra up. Hike up your skirt. All of that will drive your man totally friggin crazy. Hell, just writing about this is driving me crazy. Whew.

  • Put your fantasies on paper

    The instructor recommends writing down one or two sex acts you’d really like to see happen on a set of index cards. These are your sex cards. Examples include “I would like to receive oral” or “I would like you to use a vibrator on me.” Then write down a few fantasies of yours. Like the “sex with a cop” fantasy. These are your fantasy cards. In their class, all participants exchange cards to learn new ideas. But you can easily use these on each other for some random fun.

  • Don’t force dirty talk

    “With dirty talk, you have to find your own voice. Don’t imitate what people say in bad porn, like, ‘give it to me, you big stud.’ It should be organic, natural.” Even saying something like “I’m going into the living room” in a sexy voice can be very alluring.

  • Switch up your oral sex positions

    “If you think you don’t like receiving oral sex — or your guy doesn’t like giving it — you might simply need to find an angle that works for you.” Simple as that. And trying out new positions can be a lot of fun too.

  • Use little extras to enhance your O

    Two words: sex toys. Lean about them, use them, and enjoy them. ’nuff said.

  • Give yourself a hand

    Masturbation is wonderful, not only to make yourself feel good, but to teach yourself about your body. The more you know, the more you can teach your partner. And the more intense your orgasms will be!

  • Tell him what you like

    This is an old golden rule. Communication isn’t only important for everyday relationship issues, it’s also important in the bedroom. Talk to your man and tell him what you like. If you don’t tell him, he’ll never know. And no, no guy out there is a mind-reader.

  • It’s all about the tongue

    If you’re performing oral sex on the guy, straight-on vacuum-cleaner sucking isn’t always enough. Use your tongue too. “Flatten your tongue and pretend you are licking a delicious ice cream cone. Then try the ‘pointy-tongue’ technique to stroke up and down and side to side. Do different strokes and touches, like flicking your tongue over the head.” AWESOME.

  • Take it slooow

    The operative word in striptease is “tease.” When you’re trying to rile your man sexually, move in slo-mo. Touch yourself slowly. Gyrate your hips slowly. Undress slowly. You’ll drive him crazy and make him want you even more.

  • Unleash your inner sex goddess

    “Every woman is sexier if she believes she is.” So true. You are sexy. You’re a walking sex pot. A sex machine. If you feel and know you’re sexy, then everything you do will be sexy to your man. Remember, there’s nothing sexier than a confident woman.

The Non-Breakup Breakup

So you’ve been on just one date with the person so far. Or maybe traded some emails and phone calls and that’s it. And now you’re no longer interested – yet the other person still is. How do you let that person down?

It’s not really a breakup, because you two aren’t officially “going out.” But it’s still a rejection nonetheless. What do you do? How do you end things? How do you not-really-but-sort-of breakup with that person?

Here are a few ways I’ve heard about:

  • Ignore the person. Stop all contact. Don’t return any calls, emails, or text messages. This is the cowardly way out, though admittedly a lot of people do this because it’s easy. I’ve done it (and I’m ashamed of it), and I’ve had it done to me. The downsides include bad karma and lots of confused calls from the person, until the hint finally sinks in.

  • Make up an excuse. Tell the person you met someone else, or got back with your ex, or are moving away to another country, or are changing your sexual preference. Basically, lie. This is also a cowardly exit, though some opt for this instead of ignoring the person, so the date won’t try calling again. But beware – it’s a small world, and the person could catch you in this lie. Some commonly-used lies include:

    • “I just started another relationship and want to see where it goes.”
    • “I just got back together with my ex.”
    • “I’m moving out of the country. To somewhere far. Really far. Like, Outer Mongolia.”
    • “I think I’m homosexual/heterosexual.” (whatever is the opposite of what your are)
    • “I’m really really busy at work right now.”
    • “I’m taking a break from dating.”
    • “My Mommy says I need to stop dating.”
    • “I have this thing I gotta do with some people and I can’t be going out in public anymore.”
    • “The voices in my head are getting worse.”
    • “I just found out I’m going to be a daddy/mommy, and I need to start taking care of my daddy’s/mommy’s baby from now on.”
    • “I have gonorrhea.”
  • Tell the person how you feel honestly. Lots of good karma here. Many will even thank you for your honesty. A rejection is going to hurt no matter what – at least you’re doing it with honor & honesty. There are lots of ways you could word this too, from gently to directly:

    • “I get the ‘friend vibe’ between us.”
    • “I don’t think it’ll work out with us, but I think we’d make great friends.”
    • “You’re such a great person, though you’re not quite what I’m looking for.”
    • “I don’t feel like we’re a great match, but we could make good friends.”
    • “I don’t think we’re a good match. Sorry.”
    • “I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s going to work out between us.”
    • “I don’t feel the physical chemistry.”
    • “I’m not interested.”
    • “You’re not my type.”
    • “I’m just not that into you.”

How have you handled non-breakup breakups? Share your answer on our Dating Forums!

The Test Drive Theory

Let’s say you are in the market for a new car. You dumped your old one and would really like a new one now. What do you do?

First, you take inventory of what attributes you need and want out of a car. You know you need the basics: safety and reliability. Ideally, you’d love a sporty or luxury car, but with gas prices costing an arm, a leg, a thigh, and a few internal organs, you know you’re better off with a fuel-efficient one.

You go through this thought process with all of the attributes. Car or truck? Coupe or sedan? Base or enhanced trim? Small, mid-sized, or large? Color-wise, you’d really like a silver one. But you’re fine with blue or white too, even though everyone tells you white is high-maintenance because it gets dirty so easily.

Now that you’ve got a particular car in mind, your next step is to look through some classified ads. You may also ask your friends if they know of anyone selling a car too. This search can traverse both print and online. It takes time, but you want to make sure it’s a sound car.

After you’ve selected a few you’d like to try, it’s time for a test drive. You give the car a cursory check, then take it for a nice cruise. To be thorough, you drive on both city streets and highways. You take note of all the little nuances and potential problems you see. What’s that whirring sound? Why did it take so long to start up? Is the car pulling slightly to the left?

Some of your friends fall in love with the first car they test drive. Not you. You’re a little more cautious. You’ve purchased lemons before, cars that seemed great on the surface, but were rife with problems once you got home. Since a car is such a big ticket item, this is not something you want to rush. So you test drive countless cars before making a decision.

Sounds a little like dating, no?

Okay, it’s not an exact match, since cars only last several years or decades and a significant other could be with you for a lifetime. But the process of dating is sure similar. First, you identify what you want out of a date. Then you start looking, either in bars & clubs or on online dating sites. Then you go on a few dates – the test drives – with the hopes that you’ll find the car of your dreams.

Just a theory I’ve had racing in my head (no pun intended). What do you think? Does it work?

Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others

John Molloy, the author of the book “Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others“, just penned an article of the same name on MSNBC.com.

So why do men marry some women, and not others? According to Molloy, the answer is pretty simple: he’s not the marrying kind.

He’s Just Not Ready Yet

Most (but not all) men tend to feel ready several years after completing their education, whether it be high school, college, or graduate school. First, he’ll want to build his career, have fun, and date around. After that comes marriage.

Men who say they have fun dating and being single typically are not ready for marriage yet (no duh). The majority of those who are ready tend to stop hanging around the singles scene. They don’t go out solely to meet women anymore. In the back of their minds is their desire for something more, though they won’t readily admit it’s because they’re looking for marriage.

Straight from the article: “There is a point at which men are likely to be ready for the next step, but the specific age depends on the man’s maturity, education, and profession. … Once a man decides he’s too old for the singles scene, that part of his life is over, and he is more likely to marry.”

He May Not Ever be Ready

There are also men who may become bachelors for life. After a certain age – generally in the late thirties to early forties – if the man has never been married before, chances are he’ll never marry. He’s gotten used to the bachelor lifestyle and likes being on his own. This isn’t an absolute rule by any stretch; it’s just that the chances of them getting married drops drastically.

Then there are the stringers. Molloy describes a stringer as a man who “likes having a woman, sleeping with a woman, eating with a woman, possibly sharing his life with a woman without ever making a real commitment. He often tells women, up front, he never intends to marry, so if and when he decides he wants to cut out, she has no reason to complain.”

They want the companionship, but not the commitment. The dinner & dessert, but none of the dirty dishes. And they are often repeat offenders. If he has had several long-term relationships, chances are, he’s a stringer.

He’s a Diamond in the Rough

Molloy identifies another type of man: the diamond in the rough. This is the man in his late thirties to early forties who’s given up the idea of marriage – but not because he’s an eternal bachelor. It’s because he’s lacked one of three things: looks, height, or social skills. He’s been rejected and even demeaned so often by women that he doesn’t think he’ll ever meet someone.

While some women say they can overlook the looks and height, many have a hard time with the lack of social skills. And indeed, this lack limits his exposure to potential mates. But the few women who can see past this and bring a timid guy out of his shell, they’re often rewarded with a loyal lifelong partner.

His Parents are Divorced

Another unfortunate factor is the stability of the marriage of the man’s parents. Same goes for women as well. “We found that many single men and women in their late thirties and forties were products of divorce. With the men, in most cases their parents’ marriage broke up when they were young, and it seemed to have affected the way they looked at life.”

Many don’t believe in the institution of marriage. “It’s not all it’s cracked up to be,” they say. While living together is fine, many think that getting married will kill the romance of the relationship. This isn’t a blanket rule for all children of divorcees, of course. But it can be a pretty important determinant.

He Isn’t That Similar to You

Again, while not a blanket rule – men tend to marry women from the same socioeconomic background. The same goes for religion and politics. The more strongly the man holds his beliefs, the more likely he will tend towards a mate with similar beliefs.

In more independent- and individualistic-minded communities, men who live at home with their parents are less likely to marry than men with their own places. This can vary significantly with different cultures, of course.

If the man’s friends and older siblings are all unmarried, he is less likely to marry. The follow-the-leader syndrome can have a significant impact on the male psyche. “Seeing their friends marrying had clearly caused a change in their thinking. Those who said none of their male friends was married were two to three times as likely to tell our researchers they were not ready to marry.” Same goes for siblings.

What Does This Mean for You?

“To dramatically increase your chances of marrying you must seek out and date the marrying kind,” concludes Molloy.

These findings are all based on market research and statistical analysis. But there will always be exceptions to these findings. Just because you meet a man who’s in his late thirties, has divorced parents, is a Republican (and you’re a Democrat), doesn’t mean he’ll never marry. However – the statistics are against him.

How to Tell if Your Date Likes You

“By the way, I think i learned the single best predictor of how a date goes, especially early on in the relationship.”

I leaned forward. “Oh yea?”

He cleared his throat. “When you are dropping a girl off, take note of how long she lingers in the car. Does she stop for a little while, thanking you, not wanting to leave the car? Or does she jump out quickly?”

“Hmmm,” I scratched my chin.

“That,” he declared, “is the key indicator.”

“Interesting. So when Amy hesitated in my car, like she wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do…”

“She was probably interested in you,” he nodded. “Too bad for her, it wasn’t the other way around.”

I shrugged. “And another girl jumped out right away. I never heard from her again. That seems to follow your theory too.”

“Yup. And this comes from my sample of tons of dates from the last few months.”

I looked out the window. Various dates went through my head. I nodded and scratched my chin.

“It actually happened to me last night too, on a date. It was like she could not get out of the car fast enough. I’m sure I won’t hear from her again.”

“Hmmm. I think you’re right. This seems to have applied to all the past dates I can remember.”

“Also, the pressure of the kiss or the invitation to come upstairs is a fun. Girls who are interested enjoy that nervous tension. For those who are not, it’s uncomfortable and unbearable.”

“Interesting indicator, man.”

He nodded. “You’re going to blog this, aren’t you?”

I nodded back.

So what do you think? Is this a good indicator? How can you tell if your date likes you?

“Friends With Benefits” Benefit Summary Prospectus

Speaking of friends with benefits, before you enter into such a contract, it’s important to know exactly what you’ll be getting:

This detailed prospectus lists critical information, such as your responsibilities breakdown, spending and medical benefits, and the potential for portfolio diversification. Having all of this upfront data will make you a better informed relationship investor and help you in all your FWB equity decisions. Cheers!

Top 10 Things Not to Say on a First Date

  1. If we’re going to be staying out past nine, I’m going to have to call my Mom.

  2. I know we just met and all, but do you have $200 I could borrow?

  3. Will you get a load of that waitress’ rack? It’s huge!

  4. Oh my God, I have those same exact stilettos back home!

  5. You look just like my ex, Mary. Would you mind if I started calling you Mary?

  6. Want to come over to my place and see my alphabetized Star Trek DVD collection?

  7. I hate my neighbor’s cat so much that I just want to shoot it. And my neighbor too.

  8. Oops, sorry. Shouldn’t have had all that Mexican food for lunch. Phew!

  9. Damn, my herpes is acting up again.

  10. So the underage transvestite hooker I got from Thailand said something funny last night…