All posts by Mr. Write

I'm just a guy who likes to pretend he's got the dating thing figured out, but really has no fricken clue. All I know is, men are from Mars, women are from Venus, he's just not that into you, and always make an effort to find the little man in the boat.

Dating Older Women

Speaking of cougars, I myself have dated quite a few predatory felines. Older women, I mean.

The oldest was six years my senior. She sought me out. And she fulfilled every guy’s fantasy of dating an older woman. Meaning: she was a horny sex kitten who totally schooled me. OH BOY did she school me.

That’s the appeal of older women for most guys. You see, us guys know that women hit their sexual peak later in life. So if you’re a strapping young lad, a horny older chick is going to be able to match your sexual appetite. And not just that – she’ll be much more knowledgeable than you too. She’ll have been “around the block” a few times. All you’ll have to do, as the eager recipient, is to open your mind and soak in the knowledge.

A Horny Sex Kitten

Six years older isn’t a lot. I’ve known guys who’ve dated women ten years or older. Not that it’s a competition or anything. Ms. Six Years was plenty woman for me. She wasn’t just a horny sex kitten – she was bi-curious too.

Bi-curious!

She loved kissing girls as much as she loved kissing guys. Jackpot! During one romantic getaway, she sought a lesbian bar where she tried to pick up another girl for – yes oh God yes – a threesome!

Sadly, that fantasy didn’t come to fruition. But we sure tried. Even hit up a strip club to find a willing participant. Though she did manage to grab some stripper boobies. That gave me enough spank bank material for the next decade or so.

Back to School

And the schooling. Oh my, the schooling. Different positions, different places, different situations. It was like she had no scruples. If she was horny and the place potentially allowed for a comfortable position, she was on it. (Or, on me. Ahem.)

I’ve looked through the Kama Sutra before. But she had it memorized. She bent herself into positions I didn’t know a human being could bend. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the things she did were illegal in some states. As an eager young student, I ate it up.

Here’s a taste: she liked to watch porn. And she liked to learn from it. Now, not all the positions you see in porn translate well in the bedroom. They’re made for the camera, not real life. But they do offer many new ideas, if you’re willing to try them. She was. And dude, it was awwwesome.

The End

But then, it ended. It had to end. Dating an older woman like this isn’t really the kind of relationship you tell your mother about. In most cases, a predatory feline is just in it for the sex. She knows what she wants (sex) and what she doesn’t want (a long term relationship). Easy as that.

Exceptions

If you fall for a cougar, you’re screwed. Literally and figuratively. She’s not looking for Mr. Right, she’s looking for Mr. Walking Dildo (you thought I was going to say Mr. Right Now, didn’t you?). Most guys are okay with this. If you’re not, however, then it’s better to realize this sooner than later.

There are a few cases where the older woman can fall for the guy too, especially if the age difference isn’t that great. I’ve been at the end of this rope too. The danger here is that the older woman is more apt to want children, like, now. Her biological clock is going tic toc, tic toc. She’s not in it for the sex, she’s in it for a meaningful relationship and just happens to be older.

Getting into a long term relationship with an older woman like this should be taken with care. If you’re not serious about her, or don’t want to settle down and start a family within her timeline, then don’t waste her time. Cut her loose and let her find someone who’s a better match.

And that’s the fun (and risk) of dating predatory felines. They’ll claw and bite and scratch – all in good ways, I mean. And you’ll purr and enjoy and learn. Just make sure that’s what she wants too. Or else she’ll claw and bite and scratch FOR REAL.

Should You Settle?

A friend just sent me this article from Lori Gottlieb about “settling for Mr. Good Enough.” In it, she writes (bold emphasis mine):

Every woman I know—no matter how successful and ambitious, how financially and emotionally secure—feels panic, occasionally coupled with desperation, if she hits 30 and finds herself unmarried.

Whether you acknowledge it or not, there’s good reason to worry. By the time 35th-birthday-brunch celebrations roll around for still-single women, serious, irreversible life issues masquerading as “jokes” creep into public conversation: Well, I don’t feel old, but my eggs sure do! or Maybe this year I’ll marry Todd. I’m not getting any younger!

My advice is this: Settle! That’s right. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection. Don’t nix a guy based on his annoying habit of yelling “Bravo!” in movie theaters. Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics. Because if you want to have the infrastructure in place to have a family, settling is the way to go. Based on my observations, in fact, settling will probably make you happier in the long run, since many of those who marry with great expectations become more disillusioned with each passing year. (It’s hard to maintain that level of zing when the conversation morphs into discussions about who’s changing the diapers or balancing the checkbook.)

Wow. I’ll bet this is causing quite a stir.

What do you think? Is this the right approach? If you’re a 30+ single woman, should you settle? Since many women in this category typically have an established career already, they can afford to wait for the right man. But then there’s always the nagging tic-toc of the biological clock.

Me, I don’t think anyone should ever feel like they’ve settled. What a horrible word. What a horrible feeling. Imagine being the guy who is the settlee. Imagine thinking that your wife chose you just because you happened to be there, not because she really loves you. I’d rather go through life with a string of meaningless sex, hard drugs, and angry rock-n-roll than to feel my wife settled for me.

However, there’s a peanut of wisdom inside this ugly turd. It’s about expectations and standards. While it’s important to hold true to your core values and standards, there’s a real danger in being stubborn with unrealistic expectations. When that happens, you may inadvertantly pass by someone who’s great, leaving you wondering if he was The One.

Let me give you an example. In my opinion, every trait is a double-edged sword. Know a girl who’s very honest? Maybe she’s also brutally direct, seemingly without tact. Know a girl who’s very adventurous? Maybe she’s also easily bored and needs to be constantly stimulated. Know a girl who’s very talkative? Maybe she doesn’t know when to shut up when you need some peace & quit. Every trait has a positive and negative side, just like every magnet has a positive and negative. And sooner or later, that negative side is going to rub you the wrong way.

This means that all relationships become a matter of compromise, tolerance, and acceptance – while holding true to the core traits & values you really want in a significant other. Knowing where to draw the line between where you should compromise and where you shouldn’t is tough, I ain’t gonna front. But it’s something we all learn as we date and get hurt and date again.

I suspect that’s what Gottlieb was really trying to say. Don’t be unrealistic. Know when to compromise. Keep your standards in check and be reasonable about what you want and don’t want. But whatever you do, please, don’t ever settle.

The Comparison Effect

Speaking of comparing dates to ex’s, here’s an interesting phenomenon. If a girl dates a real asshole, then dates you, you’ll find that you can get away with almost anything slightly above the asshole meter and she’ll love you for it.

Or to put it more formally: if a person has a negative experience with one boyfriend/girlfriend, that person will value the next boyfriend/girlfriend exponentially higher if the next one simply displays slightly better traits.

I call this the Comparison Effect.

Here’s an example. Chloe is going out with Ethan. Ethan is a very aloof guy who never does anything romantic for Chloe. After some time, they break up. Then Chloe meets Zachary. Zachary isn’t the most romantic guy in the world, but he buys her flowers all the time. After having come out of a relationship with an unromantic guy, Chloe totally sees Zachary as a romantic sweetheart and falls for him.

What’s happened here is the Comparison Effect. In Chloe’s mind, she’s unconsciously (or consciously) compared Zachary to Ethan. Since Zachary is a step above Ethan in terms of romantic effort, Zachary is seen as being a romantic sweetheart.

This effect can be very beneficial in certain circumstances. If you’ve been digging a girl for years, and she’s had a loser boyfriend that entire time, you could potentially be the knight in shining armor when she dumps him. You could easily come in and sweep her off her feet by doing all the things he never did – assuming you’re being true to yourself and aren’t doing them just for the sake of getting into her panties.

I’ve been in this situation before. I didn’t even know I was the beneficiary of the Comparison Effect. The girl I was seeing seemed awfully thankful for the little niceties I did. To me, they were pretty commonplace, and they weren’t all that significant. But to her, they meant everything. I later found out that her last boyfriend was a total loser: uncaring, self-centered, and arrogant. Since I wasn’t any of those things (except when I’m drunk off bad tequila), I was a hero by comparison. Awesome.

Have you ever noticed this effect? Ever been the beneficiary of it? Or the unwitting recipient of it?

Comparing Dates to Ex’s

So what do you think about this one? Whenever you date someone new, do you find yourself comparing them to previous ex’s?

Me, I think it’s kind of inevitable and even, maybe, natural? It doesn’t have to be comparing the new girl to a specific ex, but perhaps specific traits of all your ex’s.

Maybe one of your ex’s used to always know the right thing to say when you’re down, and another used to love exploring just like you did, and a third used to surprise you with little thoughts & things when you least expected them. You know what I’m talking about. Those great little things that made those past relationships so much fun while you were in them.

But of course, they all ended for a reason. One of your ex’s always had something negative to say, another always seemed too busy or too aloof, and another was just too high maintenance.

All of these traits become benchmarks for your next relationship. Either consciously or unconsciously, they’ve molded your expectations and standards. They’ve become what you look for or what you avoid. In effect, they form your basis of comparison.

At least for me, that’s how it is. Seems to come kind of naturally and unconsciously too.

How about you? Do you find yourself comparing your dates to ex’s?

The Good Friend

Everyone needs a good friend they can turn to for relationship advice. And everyone you date should have a friend like that too.

In fact, it’s a red flag when a girl I date doesn’t have a good, sensible friend like that. Who’s going to tell her she’s being paranoid, unreasonable, or irrational? Who’s going to keep her grounded and sane? Who’s going to share in the giddiness of a new relationship or offer comfort in times of distress with her?

In a more established relationship, sure, I can do that. But in the early throes of a blossoming one, she’ll need that counterweight so her insecurities don’t flare up dangerously.

Same goes for guys in a new relationship. Guys are famously clueless when it comes to reading girls. They never quite “get it.” Only after the girl gets mad does the guy realize he did something stupid.

These guys definitely need a good friend. And not that horny, single, bitter buddy either. He needs a sensible friend (perhaps a female) who can tell him when he’s being selfish and when he’s being clingy. This friend, if it’s a good friend, will tell him to make sure he sends her something for her birthday (and that he remembers it at all). Or that he’s being insecure about something she said or didn’t say.

Without this good friend, both sexes will be that much harder to date – because they’ll be caught in a whirlwind of their own emotions and imaginations, with nary a way to vent and gain outside perspective. So hopefully, your date has a good friend like that. And you do too.

A Relationship Rule of Thumb

Here’s a rule of thumb I use whenever I’m in a relationship. It helps me to determine whether something I’m going to do is a good or bad thing.

Would I feel guilty or bad if a friend of my significant other saw what I was doing and reported it back to my significant other? Is my act sketchy enough to allow for misinterpretation?

For instance, say I want to grab a beer with some buddies. We’re planning on hitting a local bar and getting totally trashed. If a friend of my significant other saw that, would that be bad? Probably not, unless I pee on the sidewalk and run around naked (which I most probably, almost certainly, am pretty damn sure I wouldn’t do… unless we did tequila shots too).

Now say I want to get dinner with an ex. If the friend saw that, would that be bad? It has the potential to cause some drama. But if it’s just a friendly dinner with no sketchy intentions, then I should at least tell my significant other about it. Better for her to hear it from me, than to find out from her friend, who may misinterpret the situation.

How about if I go on a ski trip with some friends and crash in the same bed as a female friend? If the friend saw that, would that be bad? That would be an all-caps YES. Even if there’s nothing between the female friend and I, this kind of situation is just lathered with misinterpretations. I can hear it now. “Why couldn’t you just sleep on the floor? Why crash into HER bed? Who is she exactly? Do you like her?” This kind of thing is exactly what will land you in the doghouse.

When I apply this rule of thumb to these situations, it automatically tells me how to handle each. For the first, nothing. For the second, tell her about it. For the third: Don’t Do It.

It’s a pretty easy rule of thumb. I’d like to say it’s common sense. But it’s not; I’ve seen my fair share of violations. So for those who are going to do something and want to know if it’s a good or bad thing for the relationship, consider this rule of thumb. It might just save you from the doghouse.

Friends with Benefits: Good or Bad?

This may have happened to you before: a female friend approaches you and asks if you’d want to spend the night, no strings attached. She might even go as far as to specify being Friends with Benefits (FWBs) – also known as Fuck Buddies (FBs).

So you accept. Why the hell not, right? What horny guy in his right mind would ever turn down free no-strings-attached sex, right?

And so there you are. Going right along. Booty calls, late-night romps, lonely Saturday nights turned into all-night sex sessions. You’re happy, she’s happy, everybody’s happy.

Then one day, while lying in bed, she turns to you and says, “I think I’m falling in love you.”

SCREEEEEECH! (That’s the sound of your Mental Brakes being applied.)

What the hell just happened to no strings attached? I thought we were just friends and were going to stay that way! WTF Buddy?

That is an all-to-common outcome. More often than not, Friends with Benefits ends up as One Friend Falling For the Other. Seriously. There’s been plenty written about this too. Sometimes it’s because one side already has feelings for the other and is hoping to start something. Other times, it’s ex’s who aren’t quite ready to break it off yet. It could also be two lonely friends who need some physical comfort. Whatever it is, it usually ends the same.

There are also other negative repercussions. While you’re in the FWB “relationship”, other potential dates may shy away from you if they find out you have easy access to a booty call. You can hide your FWB, of course, but that means being dishonest.

Also, some people aren’t cool with the thought of their future boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife having an FWB. They may judge you as a “insert your favorite derogatory term for a person with loose sexual morals & behaviors here”. Unfortunately, women with FWBs are judged more harshly than guys. It’s a double-standard, but that’s what happens.

Then there’s the whole losing-a-good-friend repercussion. Cuz once she says those words, and you blink like a deer in headlights, it’s over. Goodbye Friend with Benefits, goodbye Fuck Buddy, goodbye friend!

My advice to you: it’s much less messy to just watch some Internet porn.

Why Do Girls Go For Assholes?

“I dont need a survey, research, nothing. No empirical eveidence necessary. I’ve seen it with my two eyes. Women date assholes like it’s their job.”
Murph

It’s a mystery that confounds many men. Why do so many attractive and seemingly intelligent women go for assholes? These guys treat them poorly, disrespect them, and get away with all kinds of crap. Yet women swoon and get weak in the knees for them, time and time again.

WTF?

The answer: because while this asshole is dating the girl, he’s not an “asshole.” At least, not in the beginning. He’s charming, fun, and exciting. He makes her feel like a woman. Dating him is like a roller coaster with high peaks and thrills.

But when the ride dips, the cries come. Now he’s chauvinistic, arrogant, and selfish. He makes her feel like dirt. Now, he’s an asshole.

As a nice guy, you’re probably sitting there right now, fuming. “Will these girls every learn?” you’re wondering. “I’m a nice guy; I’d treat them well. Why don’t they like me?”

The answer: because you’re boring, passive, and uninspiring. You make her feel like an older sister. Dating you is like dating a sniveling subordinate at work who’s always kissing her ass and never exhibiting a backbone. You never have an opinion, you always want to do whatever she wants, and you don’t do anything to keep her on her toes (or make her feel swept off her feet).

“Screw that!” you’re yelling. “I totally do that! But some girls just don’t know how to appreciate me. I don’t want a girl who needs me to be an arrogant bastard around her!” Fine, then don’t. There women who don’t date assholes too. Really, there are. And they’re going to adore you.

But if you want to know the truth, it’s not assholes these girls are after. They’re after a guy who can drive them wild. Who can take charge, challenge them, and be a Man.

What does that mean exactly? It’s not about being an arrogant bastard. It’s about being assertive. If you’re what these women call a “nice guy“, that means you’re not assertive, you’re passive. Too passive for them. You’d make a great friend, but not necessarily a great boyfriend.

Assertive means making the first move. Not with arrogance, but with quiet confidence. It means calling her on her bullshit. Not with passive aggressive comments, but with respectful yet playful teasing. It means doing something bold, new, and exciting. Not taking her to a movie for the eighth date in a row (unless she’s a film buff), but flying to a foreign country and joining the Mile High Club on the flight there.

It’s not that girls want or seek out assholes. They are drawn to assertive, self-confident guys who can tantalize and charm them. It just so happens that many assholes are naturally assertive.

If you’re a “nice guy” who’s been passive all these years, man up. Be assertive. These woman could use a respectful yet assertive guy like you, after being with so many assholes. You’ll be a breath of fresh air.

Do something unpredictable. Ask her out. Take her to the Carribean, so she has to show off her hot new bikini. Plan out an entire day with her, without asking for her opinion on any of it. While you’re walking on some random street, spin her around, cradle her in your arms, and kiss her passionately.

It’s not about being an asshole. It’s about being assertive. Know that you’re a good guy, be confident in yourself, and she’ll fall for you.

Do Independent & Educated Women Intimidate Men?


(Photo: from PostSecret)

The setting:

Two girls sitting in a cafe, studying. Books are laid out everywhere. A guy approaches one of the girls.

Guy:
Hey, what are you studying?
1st Girl:
(Glances over to friend first) We’re studying for an exam.
Guy:
Oh, that’s cool. Like a final exam, huh?
1st Girl:
Um, nope. It’s for a board exam.
Guy:
A board exam… (Scratches head) A board exam… as in… a final exam?
1st Girl:
No, it’s to get a certification in our field.
Guy:
Oh, that’s cool. What field is that?
1st Girl:
Pediatric medicine.
Guy:
Oh! So you both are nurses then!
1st Girl:
(Glances over at friend again) Um, no…
2nd Girl:
(Looks up at guy) No, we’re doctors.
Guy:
Oh… That’s… Cool… Well, I have to go now… It was nice talking to you…

Has that happened to you? Do you find guys being reluctant to talk to you once they find out you have an advanced degree, be it in medicine, business, or law? Sadly, this is not uncommon. The cold hard truth: many men are intimidated by independent & educated women.

I know, some of you guys out there want to refute this. “That’s bullshit!” you’re thinking. “I love independent & educated women!”

That’s great. But if you go talk to some of your independent & educated female friends about their experiences, you’ll get a different view.

Does that mean it’s all hopeless for independent & educated women? Are you doomed to be single for the rest of your life?

Good news: no, you’re not. There is hope.

  • Many independent & educated women hold high, perhaps unrealistic standards. Adjusting those standards to be more realistic and seeking only those that are relevant to a happy relationship will help. Is he a great guy, really cares about you, but doesn’t have a PhD like you do? So what? How’s is a PhD relevant to a happy relationship?
  • Don’t lose heart. Just as there are men who are intimidated, there are men who prefer independent & educated women. It may be a challenge to find them, but unlike leprechauns, they really do exist. How do you find them then? Well, that’s a topic for a future post. *wink*
  • And finally, according to NYU Sociology Professor Kathleen Gerson, “The more highly educated a woman is, the more likely she is to ultimately marry. … Women who do postpone, especially if they’re highly educated, are more likely to find a partner who is right for them. [It is] more likely for that marriage to work, to last, and to create that balance between personal autonomy and commitment that they desire.”

Can’t Find a Date? Then Move!

Doesn’t it sometimes feel like there just aren’t enough single guys or girls in your city? Well, maybe it’s true!

National Geographic magazine recently published a chart showing the how many more single men and women there are in each major US city. The results: there are a lot of single women in the East Coast and a lot of single men in the West Coast.

One theory is that the West Coast has more high-tech jobs, thereby attracting more men. But does that mean scores of men left their women on the East Coast to work alongside other dudes in narrow cubes under pale fluorescent lights? Lame. And how does it explain Southern California, where Hollywood and the movie industry rules? I see lots of women in Los Angeles, even if they”re part silicon.

Or maybe it”s something in the water. East Coast water has hormones and bacteria that produces more female babies. Who knows. Someone should alert the guys from Freakonomics to get on this. Meanwhile, maybe you should move to find more dates.

Via: WebUrbanist