All posts by Potted Plant

I won't tell you my age, but I will tell you all about my dates! After a long relationship which started in my teens, I blazed back into the dating world 5 years ago and have bumps, bruises and bubbly moments to share wtih you. I don't understand men. I don't understand women. I don't understand how to use call-waiting on my cell phone.

I’m On a Break

I haven’t been posting much because I decided to take a break from dating…and I mean a real break.  Not just the “I’m not going to go on dates” break, but the “I am going to stop thinking about dating” break.  And as we all know, that break is virtually impossible when you are a woman in your early thirties.  Your biological clock shrills loudly in your ear and thumps in your ribcage like a ticking bomb.

But I think I figured out how to take a break – because REALLY taking a break from dating is important for your sanity, sometimes.  Here are my tips on how to truly take a break:

  • Stop telling the stories on your dating life.  As a single person, you know how this goes.  You’ve got a bunch of friends and they are all either married or in serious relationships.  When you hang out with them, you’re the single girl with the hilarious dating stories.  When you see them, they ask for an update and you happily oblige.  Stop that.   Cold turkey.  Lately, even if I have something going on, I simply respond, “I haven’t really been dating, but will definitely let you know when I have a hot date.”
  • Don’t pursue:  Forests of trees have been killed to produce books on the Pursuit theory.  Even when you are not actively pursuing, you’re passively pursuing by managing your external perception to the opposite sex.  Just enjoy the moment you are in and don’t worry about the prospects around you.  They will come to you if they really want to.
  • Ditch the bad girlfriends:  Women do this to each other all the time.  In spite of the fact that women are so successful and diverse with extremely interesting lives and accomplishments, when they get together they always spend 1/2 their time talking about men.  And encouraging each other to psycho-analyze men and their behavior.  Gracefully exit those conversations and put those friends on the back burner.  They will be there when you return to the dating world.
  • Pump your efforts into you:  There is so much more to women than the  men we date – so take some time to define your self worth outside of a man.  Serendipity is my hero right now, because she is on this amazing journey of getting herself back… and that has nothing to do with men.  You go, girl.

Now i don’t want this to sound like I hate men or that I am bitter with my love life.  Because I am not.  I just need a break.  And I am going to take it…fuck cupid.

I Don’t Want to Be Your Friend Anymore

I have a really bad habit of staying friends with my exes.  I say it is a bad habit, because that is what it has become – I go on a few dates with someone and a month or two rolls by and then it fizzles and ends.  We say let’s be friends – after all – there was a reason we liked each other.

But the truth is, I don’t want to be friends with this person.  I have tons of friends  – some of which I barely get to see.  Why do I want to be friends with someone who reminds me that I had yet ANOTHER dating experience that didn’t work out? I have my unfailing memory to crystalize that I am in my mid 30s with no Mr. Potted Plant in sight and a trail of failed attempts at forever.

So I am going to call it for 2009 – no more being friends with the exes.  The past is the past and let’s leave it there.  Friends are people that have a bright and uplifting spot in your future.

To all my exes – I am deleting you from my facebook friends – stay the fuck in the past and out of my newsfeed.

The First Sleepover

The first sleepover is always nerve racking.  Sometimes it is spontaneous and sometimes it is planned.  Whatever the catalyst, it is the time when skin and souls are exposed.  Boys, here are some tips to make sure it goes as smoothly as possible:

  1. Invest in nice sheets: Holes in your sheets or nasty sheets with stains are going to ruin any hot and heated moment.
  2. Keep some basics on hand: Women like to brush their teeth (extra toothbrush) and use lotion.  Keep them stocked in your place so the morning lends itself to brunch and other fun stuff.
  3. Have Umbrellas handy: It’s your penis – it’s your job to keep it covered.  Buy a jumbo stock and costco and make sure there is never an awkward moment looking for some cover (ie. don’t store them in the basement – a 15 minute walk from your bed).
  4. Keep your bathroom clean: This doesn’t sound romantic at all, but women have to sit when they pee – don’t make us squat in your bathroom or do calisthenics to avoid the grime in your bathroom.
  5. Pack up the Past: Women are observant. We are going to notice  the pink teddy bear and sweater in your closet from your past girlfriend.  And we will likely obsess about it.  No one is asking you to get rid of your past – but put it in a discreet place.

The G-Spot

“For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.” – Isabelle Allende

Amen. Amen, I say.  Amen.

In my 30s, I completely understand and embody this.  Men often wonder why some very unattractive men end up with some of the most beautiful women  – and this is the reason.  Because these men have figured out where the G-Spot is.

Great conversation, deep conversation and a deep mental connection builds a bridge to the best sex you will ever have.  It’s because it sets up a level of intimacy that can’t be replicated with kamasutra techniques.

Now I am in NO way advocating that men not learn the necessary navigation of the physical G-spot (please read a website or something boys to make sure you understand how to make the engine hum), but all I am saying is that if you want to hit it right every time – invest in some great conversation.

Things She Doesn’t Need to Know

All relationships should be open and honest, but there are just some things that you don’t need to tell us, cuz it will only cause you more problems.  As much as we women say we are open minded and confident, there are just some things we don’t need to know:

1. You liked our friend first:  Most women conceptually know there are hotter women out there than themselves.  And some of our friends.  What we don’t need to know is that we were second choice.  Even if we’ve been with you for years and are happily married or in a committed relationship, there is no need to tell us you thought our best friend was hot and wanted to ask her out.

2. The one that got away:  My long-term ex has often referred to me as the one that got away.  While it may seem romantic to most, it certainly didn’t to one of his girlfriends post potted plant.  It didn’t seem that romantic to me either.  If it got away, let it go away.

3. When/how often you masturbate:  We know you do this.  We know you know we know.  We don’t need to do the details.  While even the most confident and secure women understand that masturbating is natural and that all guys do it, there is still this delusion that men do it because they are sexually unsatisfied.  It’s wrong, I know.  But we think this . So when you tell us how much and when you masturbate, it makes us feel like we are inadequate or not pleasing you.  Keep your solos to yourself.

4. The best sex you ever had:  If it’s not with us, then don’t tell us.  Furthermore, this is when it is okay to lie in relationships and tell the woman you are with that she is the best sex you ever had.  This lie will make everyone’s life okay.

Relationships are all about open communication – and I’m all about that.  But don’t be a moron.

Why Men Cheat

Redbook recently summarized marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman’s latest book “The Truth about Cheating“.  Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and non-cheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men’s infidelity — including what cheating men say could have prevented them from straying.  Here’s the post it summary:

48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated.

Really? I guess so.  Men, like women, are driven by emotional satisfaction and want to be appreciated and shown that they are important.  The only difference is men don’t express this as openly as women do.

66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.

Why isn’t this number higher?  I mean if you are married then you basically are going home to your wife after being with someone else.  How can you NOT feel guilty?  It probably requires some type of de-sensitization your partner – and that’s a slippery slope in itself.

77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheated.

This makes complete sense to me.  We tend to hang around people that are similar to us and share common interests.

40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.

Goodness.  This takes “getting paid” to a whole other level.  At first, you might think that this number would be less. I mean who wants to be part of office gossip or have their professional reputation ruined with banging the CEO’s secretary.  But it seems that people don’t really care too much about this.  Work is easy and full of people with the same interests and schedule  – it’s so convenient!

Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife

This was the most interesting stat to me.  Women AGONIZE about how they look and compare themselves to each other mercilessly.  Looks like men don’t seem to be doing that nearly as much as we do.

In summary, I think this survey debunks what we women have known, but never wanted to admit – a man’s cheating isn’t purely physical – there are often emotional/social reasons for it.  And that’s where the analysis and conversations get scary and personal.

What’s Considered Cheating?

This blog is not short on posts about cheating. We all say its wrong and we all know that it can erode a relationship faster than anything else.  But what actually comprises cheating?

Now I know some of you are shocked that I can even ask this question – sleep with someone else and it’s over. I am certainly not trying to challenge that – I agree with that completely – relationships mean you only have access to one penis and one vagina.

But what about the rest?  Is kissing cheating? Are caresses cheating?  What about emotional connections with others?  And flirting? When is flirting okay?

Here are some scenarios:

  1. The Drunk Kiss:  You’re at a party, 9 drinks in and everything is warm, fuzzy and blurry.  You are incoherent, but you grow some serious balls and start flirting with the hot chick in the pink dress.  She is even drunker than you.  She kisses you.  You kiss her back.  Now what?
  2. The 5 hour phone calls: There’s this girl you think is cute.  You like talking with her and flirting with her.  You think she’s smart.  She laughs at your jokes.  You talk to her for hours at a time.  You’re attracted to her.  But you have a girlfriend.
  3. Ms. out of your league: She’s a stripper and you are out with your friends one night.  She seems interested in you and its not because you are putting money in her panties.  You decide to take her phone number and call her – who knows – maybe you guys can be friends.
  4. Sex chat rooms:  You’ve been chatting with this cute girl in the Yahoo Rumpshaker chat room.  It started off innocently, but now has moved on to conversations around favorite sexual positions and secret fantasies.
  5. Dirty Dancing: You’re out at a club and dancing with some girl.  You decide to trade in your mr. roboto moves for some Patrick Swayze style moves with some random girl.  Hand on ass, bumping and lots of grinding.

At first, these seem like no brainers – you’ve got your hand or mind on someone else – cheating.  But how did you get there?  Chances are, none of these started off with the intent to cheat – they were probably just innocent occurrences that somehow escalarted  to cheating.

Some people say that any type of emotional connection means that there is cheating – but 4 out of 5 of the scenarios above have no mental connection.  Yet most women would consider them cheating.  And if a woman had a choice between her husband/boyfriend being in a sex chat room or having long lunches with the cute girl at work, chances are most women would choose the lunch date – or would they?

What’s considered cheating?

What’s Your Definition of Love?

It’s taken me years to learn that this is a question two people dating need to ask each other.  It’s taken me even longer to figure out my own answer. Based on my dating experience, I can probably tell you what it is not – it is not great sex, it is not passionate kisses and giddy phone calls, it is not butterflies in your stomach, it is not innocent and it is not painful. But I – like most people – struggle to articulate what it really is.  What is my definition of love?

In my quest for an answer, I’ve been gathering bits of articles and snippets of novels, methodically entering them in my journal trying to piece together an answer. Here’s the snippet that comes closest to my definition:

Together they had overcome the daily incomprehension, the instantaneous hatred, the reciprocal nastiness, and fabulous flashes of glory in the conjugal conspiracy. It was time when they both loved each other best, without hurry or excess, when both were most conscious of and grateful for their incredible victories over adversity. Life would still present them with other moral trials, of course, but that no longer mattered: they were on the other shore. – Love in the Time of Cholera (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)

In my 20s, I idealized love – it was the stuff they made movies of. Marriage was this bliss that resulted from a whirlwind meeting, a dreamy courtship and a recognition of your soulmate.  In my 30s, I know better.  After exiting a very long relationship – my starter marriage, if you will – I realize that love is not the grand overatures you see in movies.  The love that lasts is the love that has strong roots planted in a bed of commonality.  Now I know this doesn’t sound terribly romantic to most, but hear me out.

Life happens.  Whether you’re married or not, life happens.  And you have to get  through life.  You have to be able to deal with the things that life throws your way.  In a marriage, you have to deal with those things together.  If there are few common viewpoints, sparse shared opinions and infrequent agreements, then how can you possibly tackle life together?

When I think about the person I want to be with for the rest of my life, I think of a partner in crime.  The Robin to my Batman, the Bonnie to My Clyde, the Bert to my Ernie – you get the picture.  As you can see, these are not romantic duos – they are strong partnerships that together have super power like success.

I’ll know I am in love when I meet that person with who life seems almost easy.  It won’t feel like butterflies in my stomach, but it will be my secret super power.

The First Kiss

I have a friend who seems to have the most awkward first kisses. No matter what he does, his first kisses always end up being weird.  Car kiss, weird couch kiss, doorstep fumble.  He just can’t seem to get it right.   As much as I laugh at him, I kind of feel sorry for him.

So much pressure is on the guy to initiate the first kiss on a date.  While I wouldn’t change this one bit (I prefer a man that makes the first move), there are several things that we women can do to help the poor blokes out.

  • If in a car, take your seatbelt off and turn completely sideways.  Lean forward a little and don’t have your gigantic purse on your lap serving as a moat.  Look him in the eye.  Don’t look down or slouch  – give him a chance to lean in.
  • If at your doorstep, give him a hug goodnight and when pulling away, stay close to his face so he can just turn a little and plant a kiss.  Don’t fold your arms in front of you – might as well wear a chastity belt.
  • If you are at bar sitting near each other. Face him.  Put one arm on the bar and leave the other at your side.  Have an open and welcoming posture.
  • Couch. I think this is the hardest one for a first kiss.  Do your part and lean in half way.  Don’t make the poor guy lunge across the couch or strike some gymnastic pose to try and get to you.

Help my friend a little ladies.  Please.

Sex is Better in Your 30s

6 girls decide to get together for dinner.  6 bottles of wine are consumed.  And then the real conversations begin.

“We had sex four times last night!”

“Really?? No way!  No wonder you date younger!”

“Did anything interesting happen??”

“What wasn’t interesting??  I woke up in the middle of the night to him kissing my inner thigh.  You know I think i have a hickey on my thigh!”

“I love it when a guy kisses your ENTIRE body. I wish i could pull all men aside and tell them how much of a turn on that is.”

“Well you just told the table next to us!”

“I prefer it when men are a little rough.  You know that gentle rough…pull my hair a little!”

“I know!  That and a little biting.”

“I had sex with this guy once up against my front door.  We never even made it to the couch!”

“I always wear a skirt the third time I have sex with someone I am dating – you know the third time we go out.  Cuz that’s when it gets really good.  You stop being timid around each other.  It’s my easy access skirt!”

” You know I hated being on my knees when i was in my 20s…there was just something weird and dewomanizing about it.  But now, I am totally turned on by dropping to my knees and unzipping the pants.”

“When I was younger, I took orders in bed.  You want me to do this? okay. and that? okay.  Now i just give the orders.  Do that again, move this way, do this, do that harder.  I have no problem saying that now!”

” I don’t worry about his orgasm more than mine anymore.”

“Are we all going to admit that we have given a man a lap dance?”