All posts by Potted Plant

I won't tell you my age, but I will tell you all about my dates! After a long relationship which started in my teens, I blazed back into the dating world 5 years ago and have bumps, bruises and bubbly moments to share wtih you. I don't understand men. I don't understand women. I don't understand how to use call-waiting on my cell phone.

Are You There God? It’s Me, Potted Plant

Did you have a good day? Mine was okay. I know I only write when I need a favor, but I am hoping you can grant me one wish (slightly different from a favor, in my opinion). Could you fix eHarmony’s algorithm so it stops matching me with Apu, David Hassellhoff and Yanni?

Thanks so much!

P.S. Also, if you could let the men know that putting up pics of themselves in spandex is not a good idea, that would be great.

I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie

Last week I had drinks with a friend and we started up the age old conversation that always rears its head when you discuss dating – so what are you really looking for? what are you attracted to? After numerous dates, he was complaining that he is just not meeting anyone. So I tried to turn the tables on him:

Me: “Come on, what do you want? What are you looking for?”

He: “Um, you know someone nice. Someone funny. Someone that makes me happy…”

Me: “So someone that completes you, huh? I hear Tom Cruise might be available soon…”

He: “Ha. Ha. I am being serious…you know someone nice and happy…”

Me: “You are vaguer than a fortune cookie. Seriously, you have no idea what you are looking for that is your problem.”

He: Stands up and yells “I like big butts and I cannot lie!!!”

Me: Shrinking under the table “Um, check please.”

After my initial shock (and our exiting of that bar), I realized that he does like big butts. Now that I think about it, most of the girls he’s dated have a little junk in the trunk. When I pointed this out he got all embarrassed, but I reminded him that a man who appreciates some of the things that society doesn’t always put on billboard ads, is a man worth keeping for most women.

The social pressure on women to look flawless or constantly be stunning is intense. What’s even more intense is the pressure women put on themselves to achieve this social acceptance and praise. How can a man combat this injustice and win a girl’s heart forever (or at least for a few dates)? Here’s my advice:

  1. If you like the booty, grab the booty (not in public, please).
  2. Hug the curves.
  3. Kiss the massive forehead she is trying to cover up with bangs.
  4. Scoot down for face to face conversations with the shortie in 5 inch heels.
  5. Never talk about Heidi Klum. Ever.

Be bold in your compliments and expressive of what you like. You’ll find the niceness you’re looking for once you get past that social pressure costume.

Be a Man!

I am tired of the planning process for dating. Tired I tell you. Email flirting back and forth. More email flirting back and forth. Phone flirting. Text flirting. And that’s all before you meet face to face!

I need to sit down.

I endure all of this for the potential stomach butterfly on a first date. What I will not endure anymore, however, is a man that doesn’t plan. We women wear make-up, spend over $100 on push up bras, try on 15 different outfits and even shave our legs for a first date. As a man, all you have to do it plan. Pick a restaurant, pick a bar, pick a hiking trail. Just pick already and let us know.

I just traded my third email with a potential date on where we should meet, what time and what day. He is no longer, Mr. Potential Boyfriend or even Mr. Potential Anything. He has become an “TBD” in my outlook calendar – moving in a shuffle with the rest of the things I have to write down so I remember to pay attention to them. He is an outlook object.

Don’t be an object. Be a Man! Plan!