All posts by Wing Girl Kim

Having been faced with marriage at least four times (maybe it was five), and offered wealth to be a couple guys' girlfriend, I've learned "the art" of being a guy's date. This has afforded me rare opportunities of becoming a confidante, learning some of my boys' deepest, darkest secrets. (And I will never tell.) Because of my companionship ability, I've found a purpose as a wing girl, helping guys meet women by creating a comfortable atmosphere. As a liaison, I help open lines of communication between strangers and bring more fun into a night or a day out. From all my experiences, I have compiled and developed an approach for dating in the book, AlphaDog, Get The Bitch You Want: A Man's Guide to Dating, by a Woman.

Your Personality, Online

Words. They seem benign when they stand alone, one at a time. But put them together just so and you can move minds, instigate revolutions, challenge, console, influence, cajole, cause heartache or laughter, emote and organize.

The power of words is easy to forget when we feel lonely and worn out, lacking inspiration to present our selves to a vast pond of eligible fish. But with some basic understanding of how we utilize certain thought functions, its possible to show who we are in a few sentences.

According to Carl Jung, we use our thoughts for two basic functions: perceiving information and making decisions. In perceiving information, we can be objective or subjective (Extraverted or Introverted). We can also be detail-oriented or holistic (Sensory or Intuitive). In making decisions we use either logic or emotions (Thinking or Feeling).

Whether we are perceiving information or making decisions, every person has a genetic preference over one way or the other. Though we are all capable of behaving Extraverted or Introverted, we each have a natural inclination to do one or the other. These natural inclinations are what defines us according to personality types. Isabel Briggs-Myers, following the work of her mother, Katharine Briggs, developed the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator), an assessment tool to help people understand their own thinking preferences, or inclinations. The MBTI uses a fourth dichotomy which determines how a person handles his/her outer world (Judging-Perceiving); Judging types tend to be more comfortable after a decision is made and live a more structured lifestyle, while Perceiving types like to keep their options open and be more spontaneous.

Our preferences are just that: what we prefer. I might allow feelings to influence a final decision, but I prefer to be logical and feel more settled when using logic. I might look organized and know where everything is, but every day my schedule changes like the wind.

These tendencies don’t change as our lives change. Again, we can all think each way and become better at using the extremes of each function; but our inclinations to think one way over another are hard-wired into our psyche. These inclinations influence what we want to do with our lives.

When we are aware of our own patterns of behavior and how they connect to our thinking preferences, we are better able to understand why we have our particular strengths and weaknesses. We can also understand why we differ from other people, or why some people are interesting to us and why others are not.

So, to be an “interesting” person to some readers of your online profile, you want it to show who? A bored person with nothing better to do? Of course not. You want to show what makes you different from the next Joe or Jane. You also want to attract the kind of person you would want to be with.

To begin with, know what you prefer. Do you prefer quiet evenings at home? Or do you like being around a lot of people and take in the crowd’s energy? Who you are by yourself is the person you will be when you get seriously involved in a relationship and get comfortable with your partner, so you might as well be upfront and honest from the beginning. So, if you’re extremely Introverted, you wouldn’t want a relationship with an extreme Extravert to get difficult. (But I bet one date could be a blast.)

What do you like to talk about? Do you enjoy going into detail when you tell stories? Or do you think details get trivial and prefer to paint a general picture? Most people like details, so that’s something you can show in your profile. Go ahead and tell a story next to your profile picture. A story could tell your most embarrassing moment, an exciting trip you took, your first day at school, a dramatic event– for example. Or you could just list a bunch of your interests. But if you’re not big on details, find words to reveal your big-picture thinking. (I happen to be a big-picture thinker and wrote on a profile “little patience for small talk”. It’s arrogant, but hey, I’m arrogant and not afraid to admit it.)

Are you sensitive? Warm? A good listener to your friends? Or do you come across relatively cold, caring more about logic and facts? Even if you’re male, there’s a chance you are really a Feeling decision-maker. About 40% of American men have this decision-making preference. And for females, about 40% of American women are logical decision-makers. So, don’t be surprised when stereotypes are busted.

Your occupation provides clues about the way you deal with your outer world. Most people like spontaneity, but a “spontaneous” personality type, or the Perceiving type, would be someone who doesn’t mind living with the unknown, such as an inconsistent paycheck, or an inconsistent schedule. People who wait tables and rely on tips are often Perceiving types. A Judging personality (not the same as judgmental) prefers to know ahead of time when they need to show up at the office every day. There is comfort in its consistency. Though a Judging type might enjoy spontaneity, at the same time, there is a preference for stability, such as a secure career like law, IT, or accounting, for example.

When you write your online profile, consider your own preferences and how your words might reveal a glimpse of your complexity. (Compared to other animals, you are complex.) Remember that some things won’t set you apart from other people. Everyone hopes that you have an occupation, that you present yourself decently in public, and have a good sense of humor. And most people like spontaneity, passion, and confidence. Your words should paint an image people can see. Avoid being generic and boring by using descriptive words. For example, instead of, “I have a 9 to 5 job that I’m not crazy about,” say something like, “I get up in the morning to go to a finance job, but I’d rather bang on my drums all day.” (That would be a Perceiving type in a Judging environment.)

When you read other profiles, pay attention to keywords and phraseology. Do the words describe concrete things or are they more abstract, or intangible? For example, “I like beaches, amusement parks and horses,” versus “Being near the beach is important to me.” How words are used can show if a person is Sensory or Intuitive. Do words express feelings or logic? They reveal the decision-making aspect, but they don’t necessarily mean a person is gushy or icy. A sensitive person might also be pragmatic and a logical thinker could have tons of compassion.

Humor is part of personality, and everyone hopes you have it. So, don’t just say, “I have a good sense of humor.” Tell a joke to show you not only have a sense of humor, but also what kind of humor you have. Or incorporate humor into a fact. Instead of, “I work 9 to 5,” say something like, “My job threatens to give me paper cuts, but I like my cubicle neighbors.” If you get good at reading people’s personalities through what they write, even the kind of humor shown can clue you into their types.

Style is icing on our personalities that you can show through your interests. It’s easy to incorporate your style when you want to show a likable trait. For example, instead of, “I like to have fun,” say something like, “I like head-bopping at rock concerts.” If you’re not sure what your style is, sharing the things that get you excited will reveal a bit of your style. There’s nothing like music to reveal your style. Even if you like all kinds of music, try to narrow down to specifics. Maybe you close your eyes and sway to classical. Or try to remember how a specific song moved you.

In the ocean of single people and their profiles, there is a way to search for those who are probably more compatible with you. And you can set yourself apart among different schools. I suggest starting off with knowing your hard-wired thinking preferences.

There is an online dating site, which is an excellent resource for knowing and understanding your MBTI personality type (your hard-wired thought preferences). It’s Dr. Alex Avila’s LoveTypes.com. Dr. Avila, a clinical psychologist, has developed the LoveTypes® system to enable you to make your search for a compatible partner easier. On the site, you can order a copy of his book, which I read and recommend. I personally used his system to find my boyfriend who, I should add, I believe is my soul mate. (More on that in another blog.)

Once you have a working knowledge of your personality type (particularly the MBTI type), you might find that describing yourself will be easier. What you want in a romantic relationship will also become more clear, and perusing online profiles might become more fun and adventurous. Add personal style to your personality description and you can have a stunning portrait in words.

Your Online Persona

With online dating becoming more and more popular, a personal profile is ever-more important in making a first impression. We already know that a good picture makes a difference, but what about what you write about yourself?

The last thing you want to say is, “I don’t like talking about myself.” Everyone hopes you’re not egocentric, but to say something like this is a lazy attempt at false humility. I mean false because, although it’s a well-meaning statement, deep down you know it has nothing to do with talking about yourself and everything to do with putting your best foot forward.

It takes time and effort to decide how you want to present yourself, since there are many different ways to express yourself in writing. If you’re a talented or skilled writer, you could eloquently describe yourself Kerouac-style. But most people don’t want to read memoirs online. Some people make lists of adjectives to describe themselves, but they don’t always reveal personality. For example, I could say, “I’m confident.” But then when you meet me you think I’m obnoxious. Ultimately, however you decide to describe yourself, make it your goal to be transparent and show who you really are. Nobody wants to go face-to-face and be thrown off by an insincere description.

If you use a list, try to paint a picture for the reader that makes you unique. Adding something you like (or don’t like)– for example, an activity– will make the picture more clear. “Down-to-earth, quiet, warm, easygoing, who reads the paper at the corner café every Sunday morning.” The clearer an image you can provide, the more likely you will attract someone like-minded.

Don’t be afraid to mention something about you that you think people won’t like. What one person doesn’t like, another person does. “I don’t like small talk,” gives the reader a certain impression about your intelligence, or arrogance. Why attract people who won’t get along with you?

You can use statements about what you like to do to say a lot about yourself. For example: “My favorite thing to do at bars is walk up to complete strangers and ask them what they think about the price of milk.” I’m totally making this up, but if it were a real profile statement, it says a number of things. It indicates that I go to bars, and I probably drink. I can walk up to strangers and talk to them; I have confidence. Asking them about the price of milk, as silly as it is, shows that I like to have fun. Since it’s my favorite thing to do at bars, it tells you that I like using pickup lines and that I might not be very creative. It’s a dorky statement, but I think you get my point.

Probably the most popular and easiest thing to do in profiles is to say what you like or what interests you. But mention at least several things or be more specific. If “travel” is listed as your only interest, you’re not saying much, since a lot of people like travel. What kind of travel? Backpacking? Cruises? 747s? Hitchhiking? Luxury hotels? The more things you say you like, the more interesting you will be to the reader.

You don’t want to say things like, “I will make you laugh.” There’s a chance you won’t. But if you’re funny and can show your personality in your profile, you might make the reader laugh. “People say I’m funny,” will make the reader wonder, “What kind of people think you’re funny?” Rather, make fun of yourself. “I put my foot in my mouth at the worst times.”

Here are some questions to help you come up with ways to make your profile show who you are:

  • What gets you excited?
  • What is fun to you?
  • What do you enjoy most for leisure (besides sex, guys)?
  • What are your 3 best and 3 worst qualities?
  • How would you describe your personal style?
  • How do your friends see you?
  • What song, type of music, or band moves you most?
  • What makes you laugh, or cry?

The more specific you get in your profile, the clearer a picture you give about who you are, and the more approachable you will be. But be aware that saying too much might turn people away. I try to keep my descriptors down to no more than 12 qualities and sentences. That way, I provide a brief introduction while giving enough information for the reader to see me. I always write the most important things I want people to know about me, and I give a peek of my worst.

If you still have trouble coming up with an attractive profile, Evan Marc Katz has a service at e-cyrano.com where you can get your online profile a professional makeover. It’s a good way to get more people to respond to your profile if you’re willing to pay a fee.

In another blog, I’ll talk a bit about what you can tell about someone’s personality based on how they write their profiles and how you can make your personality shine.

Playing the Wing

There’s nothing like going out on a Saturday night with a bunch of friends. Especially if you’re all single, you’ve got each other’s backs whenever there’s an opportunity to approach a hot guy or girl. But what does it take to be a good wing?

In a game of soccer, or field hockey, the wing is the player on the edge of the field playing offense. He often is the one doing the most running when his team has the ball. He makes himself available for a pass, sometimes immediately passing the ball back to get it down the field. Once his teammate has control of the ball, he often goes back to his position towards the edge of the field to make himself available as a wing– ready for a pass, or to prevent the ball from going out of bounds.

In the game of dating, the wing plays a similar role. He is seemingly on the “edge of the field” looking out for possible passes. (Pun intended.) If he sees an opportunity he might “take control of the ball” and approach the target (a girl) to see if making a play is possible. Having a wing can make scoring easier.

Normally I don’t like using terms like “game” and “score” when it comes to dating. The pickup process is a game in which getting a girl to kiss you or getting her phone number is a score. But the actual dating process, to me, is not really a game. Rather, dating is the way two people get to know each other in which there is intent. The intent might be to see how far the date will go, or it might be to see if the other person is a viable prospect for a long-term relationship. Either way, there are steps to this process beginning with the game itself: The pickup.

The pickup is where being a wing comes in. For me, since I’m a girl, playing wing for guys is easy. I can go up to another girl, talk about shoes or how pretty her dress is and where she got it etc. etc. then change the subject to find out something about her. At the appropriate moment, I might say, “Oh, my friend Mike is into that. Let me introduce you.” And there goes the introduction.

Now, I’ve been approached before by a wing guy before. It went something like, “Hey, my buddy thinks you’re hot. What do you think of him?” while he points with a head jerk towards some seemingly unassuming character. Automatically, my guard goes up. “Right,” I think. I might smile cordially and say, “No, thanks.” Or I might take a chance and have a usually boring conversation with the wing’s buddy. Judging by the winging line, it’s pretty easy for me to foresee how far a conversation will go.

A smart wing, however, should be pretty good at pickups himself. (Okay, so I’m not bad at picking up guys, though I AM a girl.) Anyone who can start a conversation with a stranger can get good at pickups. The key is keeping it natural. I usually say the first thing that pops into my head. (For guys, I know that can be difficult if the first thing is, “Wow, you’re hot.”) I try to be considerate and think about the person as a human being. She is a person. She has feelings. She gets happy, sad, angry, afraid, and embarrassed. Sometimes, a simple, “Hi. Are you having fun?” gets the talking going.

If you are a considerate person, you won’t look at the girl your friend wants to meet and just think, “She’s hot.” You would consider whether or not the girl would be someone your buddy actually likes. Being considerate will help you come up with something purposeful or meaningful to say. The goal is to find out if the girl is worth pursuing. Of course if you’re a wing man, there’s a risk of liking the girl for yourself. In that case, take a shot to score. Hopefully your buddy won’t be jealous. Or he can get himself a wing girl instead.