Pay attention to the username. If there’s an adjective in the username, it’s what she wants to be not what she is. Example: SexyGrl48. I’d be you anything that this girl is not at all sexy. Another example: HappyGwen. Dollars to donuts that Gwen is, in fact, miserable. Stay far away from anyone whose username has an attribute that you desire in a mate (i.e., pretty, sexy, hot, etc.).

Only headshots means she’s fat. People who have nothing to hide don’t hide anything. If there’s not at least a three-quarters body shot on the profile, it’s probably because she doesn’t want you to see the rest of her body. If that’s what you like, hey, go for it. I just chalk that up under “not being honest.” Right up there with posting photos from when you were in college and hot.

Multiple photos with the same angle count as one. If she looks exactly the same, same expression, same angle, in every photo despite scenery and wardrobe changes, there’s something fishy going on here. Does she only exist in one dimension? Does she think that’s her good side? Without multiple points of reference, I don’t trust that I know what she looks like.

Beware profiles with rants. I’ve come across a fair number of profiles that are essentially angry letters to the girl’s last boyfriend. If under “wants” she says something like, “A guy who doesn’t LIE or CHEAT. You guys who think you’re PLAYAS can move on to the next profile, cuz this fish ain’t bitin’. Respect your woman!” then you should definitely move on to the next profile because this girl is nursing wounds that won’t soon heal. She’s not ready to meet anyone for romantic purposes, she’s ready to meet someone to take her frustrations out on.

Girls who say they don’t want drama are usually the cause of it. If a girl says that you better not be drama, it’s because she’s already drama and doesn’t want competition.

Recently single = thinking about my ex. Never ever write to a girl who says she’s recently single, or otherwise just got out of a long-term relationship. That is, unless you like being the rebound guy that has to listen to what went wrong with her ex the entire time you know her. And deal with him still calling. And her still responding.

Obscured faces mean high opinions. A lot of guys mistakenly think that girls who post photos with obscured faces have a low opinion of their looks and are probably ugly. Actually, it’s the opposite. Usually, they think they’re really attractive and are “tired of guys hitting on them for their looks.” Except they really do think they’re good looking and love being hit on for their looks. You just don’t get to see what they look like without proving yourself first.

If there’s more than one girl in the photo, she’s not the cute one. Don’t fall for this trap.

You might already know, or can easily guess, why a wing girl would make a “great” girlfriend. So, maybe this is really for all the girls out there seeking a significant other.

Here’s the short list:

1. Wing girls ‘got your back– They look out for others’ benefit. It’s a pretty selfless act to speak on behalf of another in order to win the listener’s favor for someone else. That tendency for a wing girl to look out for friends is a clear indication of the girl’s altruism. That, according to the AlphaDog book, is like an alpha dog. It might not feel natural at first to do something for someone else that you would normally do for yourself– i.e., make a pickup. But once you experience the reward that comes with selfless acts, getting into a habit of looking outward isn’t far beyond.
2. Wing girls just want to have fun– Lightheartedness is a key attribute men love. Ladies, if you have a hard time lightening up but you agree with this statement, maybe it’s time to get radical about whatever personal issues are holding you back from enjoying life to the fullest. Life is too short to hold onto bitterness, sorrow, or regret. Learn from life’s experiences and move on. Look around. I see young men and women regularly who lost limbs in Iraq and Afghanistan. Maybe you lost a part of your soul from a terrible incident. This doesn’t mean that you can’t get back your dignity. This is part of the balance of life. Deal with the issues, get over them, and learn to enjoy life.
3. Wing girls empathize– In order for a wing girl to really help someone else, she has to understand what that person thinks or feels. She has to be in touch with that person enough to meet his or her relationship needs. That means being a good listener, putting aside personal issues or problems to focus on the other person, and making an effort to understand his or her perspective. It also means not assuming before listening what the other person thinks. Presumption is the greatest barrier to empathy. Typically, we might think of a guy to only be interested in food and football. But he has feelings too. He probably prefers not to discuss them, but he has them. Just because he has more testosterone, which has been scientifically proven to play a factor in anti-social behavior, doesn’t mean he is not affected by emotions. So, ladies, be sensitive to men. Pay some attention and try to understand where men come from.

So, ladies, if you’re wondering what you can do to increase your man magnetism, remember these three things. Be more selfless. Be lighthearted, not just when you’re having a good time, but also amidst day-to-day drudgery. Be empathetic.

And guys, it can work for you, too.

We had been seeing each other for about a month, and she revealed many details of her past and present, but hid many others. I knew about the ex-husband, and the most recent ex-boyfriend. She told me that she was in no position to make any decisions regarding her romantic life. I was fine with that, after all, we were just getting to know one another, and we were just hanging out. But, after a week or two, we were calling each other pretty much every night, and texting once or twice during the day. We were attracted to each other, and we enjoyed each other’s company.

I got her some water then we sat down to listen to some music and look through some art books. On the phone we seemed to be closer, but here, in person, it felt like the Great Wall of China separated us. What was going on? Why was everything else so comfortable, and this so uncomfortable?

About a week or two before, I had heard rumors that the ex-boyfriend was not an ex-boyfriend, so I confronted her on this issue, and she told me that, in fact, yes, this was the case, but that she wasn’t into him anymore and she was going to break up with him. I was extremely skeptical, but since we were just getting to know one another, I really didn’t feel like I was in any position to judge her. I figured I would proceed with my guard up and wait to see what developed.

It developed, all right.

We have a couple of friends in common, and last weekend, I asked one of them what the deal was. He looked at me and said, “man, you don’t even want to know, but since you asked . . . That ex-boyfriend is moving to Los Angeles soon, and Rachael is really torn up about it. I keep telling her that she really needs to work on herself before she starts dating other people, but she keeps pining for him, and dating other guys.”

Wow. Look. I try to judge no one. As far as I’m concerned it’s not how much baggage you have, it’s how you handle your baggage that matters. If she had just been honest about the situation, I could have dealt with it. She would have felt more comfortable, and I would feel more at ease with the situation, and be more prepared to handle it properly. Now as things stand, I don’t even want to deal with her anymore. I’m not angry; I’m not even hurt. I am a little disappointed, though. Why all the lying? Did she think I’d never find out? How was this not going to blow up in her face? Can you make sense of this?

Curiosity can be a blessing and a curse for women. When we start a new relationship everything is going great as we try to get to know this person intimately. However, there comes a day where we have this urge to ask questions that we really do not want to know the answer to, and above all else, have very little to no ramifications in regard to your new relationship. Why does our curiosity of other women in our new man’s life matter?

What is Important in a New Relationship?

It is not a good idea to pretend that the new person in your life has never been with anyone before you. You should ask your partner when the last time he or she was tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Even if you use protection, you should still know. Ask if your new partner has been with someone after he or she got tested. If so, then you should get tested together just to make sure that everyone is healthy. Once you get this extremely important detail out of the way, is there really a need to deep further into the past?

The Wrong Questions You Ask

Women love to ask every detail related to their new partner’s past relationships, questions like; how many people have you kissed, how many people have you slept with, when was the last time you went out with someone, what did you guys do, what did you love and hate about your ex, and more. You may even start trying to compare yourself to his ex-girlfriend. But why are any of these things important? Now that you have started a wonderful, new relationship, especially with someone who you think could potentially be the one, why does the past matter?

Creating Imaginary Problems

Instead of reminding your new boyfriend about his ex–girlfriend, you should be concentrating on moving forward. Do you want to stay in the past with your ex–boyfriend or do you want to move forward? Let go of the past. There is no need to throw it in your new boyfriend’s face that you have been with someone before him and you do not need to know about the escapades that he had with someone else. This only leads to problems, doubt and fights over a past that neither one of you were part of.

Commencing a new relationship is extremely beautiful where two kindred souls meet and learn about each other. Why take away the beauty of this meeting and relationship by tarnishing it with events of the past? The safe rule is if you cannot handle knowing the answer then do not ask. This only applies to questions that you know are unimportant and that will not affect you. You should know about your partner’s health but relishing in his past with ex girlfriends will create circumstances of doubt on your part when he has done nothing to give you any suspicion. Let go of the past and start anew with your new beau.

The hair. The makeup. The outfit. Everything was working for me that night. I stepped into the club completely confident that I would at least find someone of interest to dance with.

One cutie immediately started doing the look-and-look-away routine as I stood by the dance floor. I made eye contact a couple times and strategically moved to a spot where he could see me better. My plan failed as the cutie in question did not make one move to advance our sultry connection. It was still early so I knew there was time to find somebody else.

My crew and I migrated to an area of the club where we could sit down and give our cramping feet a break. I spotted another cutie by the bar and continuously made mutual eye contact. Nothing happened again. This horrible lack of interest continued for the remainder of the evening.

HOWEVER the creepy club guys who I expressed zero interest in were the ones I had to fight off. What is going on with that??? I understand these guys are unavoidable and plentiful in population at any club in the world but I don’t understand why these were the ONLY guys who approached me that night.

Even members of the Latin community weren’t biting and usually those are my greatest admirers!! I left the club feeling rejected and confused. I wasn’t dressed overly slutty. I wore an outfit that complemented my best assets. I felt like I was approachable and received an inkling of interest from at least two objects of interest but no follow through. I didn’t get it.

This is where I need insight from the male perspective. I want to know what happens when a guy comes across a girl of interest. Does he just sit back and do nothing?? Make repeated eye contact only to walk away from where she is??? Make a move by initiating conversation??

I also want to know why a man who expresses some interest via eye contact and receives eye contact in return doesn’t go one step further (i.e. smiling, mouthing hello, introducing oneself, etc). What’s the problem? Are they afraid of being rejected? Why stare if they aren’t going to do anything??

While there are plenty of fish in the sea, you’ll never hook one if you’re throwing out the wrong bait. Sure, women are complicated and it can be confusing to determine exactly what they seek in a man. But, there are definitely certain behaviors that send nearly every gal running. Check them out below so you don’t blow a great catch.

You’re still in love with your ex—Bringing your ex up on the first date, constantly making comments that compare new gal to old gal, or never changing your ILoveJess screen name all signal that though you may say you’re done with your ex, you’re still secretly pining. And pining is best done solo.

You’re a player—While women like a practiced man, they don’t want someone who’s written the playbook, if you know what we mean. If she feels like you may be manipulating or using her, she’ll never offer her trust or respect.

You’re a pushover—If you let people walk all over you, she’ll likely walk on by. A man who knows what he wants and how to get it is a definite turn on.

You’re a momma’s boy—Still go home on weekends so mom can do your laundry? Call her several times a day? Live by her mantras? These all signal a man that can’t take care of himself, and if you can’t do that, no woman will believe you can take care of her.

You’re insecure—You know how much guys hate it when girls ask if they look fat in something? It works both ways. Stop questioning if your gal is too good for you and might run off with the hunky waiter. Be confident in how you look and feel, and she’ll think you’re the hunky one.

You’re a narcissist—The more time you spend looking at yourself in the mirror or touting your accolades, the less time women perceive you have for them. If you’re obsessed with perfecting yourself, you’ll never have time to perfect a relationship.

You’re immature—If you spend your entire weekends playing beer pong with your old frat buddies and consider Carl’s Jr.’s $6 Angus burger a fancy dinner, we can assure you that you will likely be spending your drivethru time alone. Women look for dependable men who are committed to making their partner a priority.

The next time you hit up happy hour or head to a speed dating event keep in mind that the biggest thing that separates wheat from chaff is emotional openness and the ability to match actions with words. You don’t have to be her knight in shining armor—just call when you say you will, respect her opinions and offer a compliment (or two).

I’ve been through this exhausting cycle many MANY times in my dating career. One would think I would grow immune to such blasphemy uttered from the new flavor of the week, but unfortunately the profound disappointment of not receiving a phone call when promised STILL has me grasping for the nearest stress ball.

It doesn’t make sense to me. If I’m not in the guy, don’t like him, aren’t feeling the situation or have no desire to continue the relationship past the first encounter, I’m NOT going to promise to call him. The easy way out is to say something like, “I’ll talk to you soon,” or “I’ll see ya around.” If a guy said this to me, I would immediately conclude that he’s not that interested and move on.

It’s when the jerk in question continually promises to call and does not deliver. Don’t guys understand that it’s better not to promise something you KNOW you are not going to do than say you are going to do something and NOT do it?!?!? It sends the wrong message if the guy is sincere about his feelings, so if he is genuine, than pick up the phone and call if that’s what he wants to do! If he isn’t sincere and doesn’t really care to pursue the relationship further, than don’t promise to call. It’s as simple as that.

*Notable mentions…”I really want to get to know you,”  “I really see this going some where,”  “We should hang out some time,”  “I’ve been really busy”

What do you think about this? Do you think I’m overreacting? Guys, would you not call a girl that you are interested in if you promised to call her?  Girls, what would you think if a guy did this to you on a consistent basis? Is this horrible cycle never going to end??

It’s not that I think I’m better than all that, or that I look down on anyone who still subscribes to e-match-chemistry-date-fish, because believe me, I have tried them all. I have read about their individual methodologies, and how THEY will find the one for you . . . hell, they all but promise that if you stick it out long enough, you will meet the one, on their site. They have testimonials from “real” people who met through their site, and talk about their doubts, but found the love of their lives on e-match-chemistry-date-fish. For those of us with an ounce of hope still left, we can’t help but feel drawn to the possibility.

They’re out there . . . I just know it, and maybe I’ll find them here. . .

You might, but you probably won’t. Know why?

Here are a few reasons . . .

1. Woody Allen once said, “Ninety percent of life is just showing up.”

“Showing up” shouldn’t be taken literally in this context. When I think of showing up, I’m not just talking about the act of simply showing up. I’m talking about the culmination of experiences, heart, real courage, sincere investment, and the commitment to the process of internet dating that brings you to the table genuinely open to meeting other people.

In other words,
Being on the field, doesn’t mean you’re playing the game.

Most people don’t show up. They don’t mean it. They’re not really there to really meet people; they’re there to see what else is out there, and who might come to them. Most people are on the field, but they’re not playing the game. We’re all guilty of this at one time or another. The problem is, it’s impossible to tell who is just standing on the field, and who is out there to play, and the field is littered with thousands of “standers”.

2. Internet dating is shallow, and the sun is hot.

This is an inescapable truth. I have known people who do really well on the dating sites. You know what? They’re really good looking, and they would do well regardless. For those of us who rate between a 4 and 7 on the proverbial 10 point scale (which is 95% of us, by the way. Yes, even you), it’s kind of hopeless.

YOU ARE BETTER THAN YOU APPEAR ON A COMPUTER SCREEN.

Most people are. The problem is, we never get the chance to show the online dating world who we are because it rarely gets that far, so we end up a little frustrated. We know we’re better than we appear on e-match-chemistry-date-fish, but it’s damn near impossible for anyone to put that down on paper because no matter how we try to write it down . . . there is more to each of us than we could ever express through a words pecked on a computer keyboard.

3. E-match-chemistry-date-fish is a business.

These companies have one thing on their minds, making money. How they make the money may differ, but every business has a most basic goal. . . .make money. I’m not here to argue on endlessly about the evil nature of corporations, but the fact of the matter is that these companies don’t really care about whether you meet anyone. While they almost promise you’ll meet someone on their site, they won’t guarantee it, they can’t. They only want to convince you of the possibility so that they can get your money.

________________________________________________________________

I admit, all of this may be a bit cynical, but as I said before, it’s not that you CAN’T meet someone on the Internet, it’s that, in my opinion, it’s more likely that you won’t.

Now, I may be cynical, but I am also an optimist. If I have a problem with something, before I rant and rave in public, I like to come up with some solutions. An action plan, if you will.

Have you given up too, but are still unsure as to what to do next?

It’s not hopeless.

Here are some possible solutions.

1. Speed Dating.

I love speed dating. It’s not terribly different than on-line dating in many different ways, but it’s less expensive, and at least you’re getting to meet people face to face. If nothing else, you know the people you meet are, at the very least, showing up and putting themselves on the line. Worst-case scenario, you’ll have some funny stories to tell at the next cocktail party.
No joke, I once asked a woman while on a speed date which celebrity she would most like to see naked . . . she gave me a name I didn’t recognize . . . Turns out the celebrity she would most like to see naked is . . . a televangelist. The remaining 3 minutes of the speed date were a bit awkward, but I have a story to tell. I also met a foot model (yes, you read that correctly, foot model) who was pursuing her doctorate in literature.

Stories, folks, stories.

A person with a good story is always more interesting than a person without one, and you can’t get good stories without getting out there and experiencing your life.

2. Get Out There.

Go DO something that interests you. Not sure what interests you, or where to find people who like Medieval Basket Weaving . . . Go to you’re local free paper, and find out what’s happening in your town (you’d be surprised), or if all else fails, try www.meetup.com. There are thousands of meetup groups, who do all kinds of things.

If you’re getting out there and actually doing things, then you get the opportunity to meet people and show them who you really are. Plus you are actively participating in your life with other people who are actively participating in theirs.

Let me repeat, there is nothing wrong with Internet dating. I’ve done it. These days, I just feel like meeting people in a more traditional setting. If you’re still sold on the online dating world, it’s ok. You have hope . . . I admire that very much because I have hope, too, and it’s not always easy to keep it alive.

If you want to meet me, however, you’re gonna need to get out there, do something and meet me the old fashioned way . . . for now.

“How’s what’s-his-face?” Her affection for a particular man-in-my-life zeroes in the second we meet up.

“We’re good.” I struggle with the Built NY bags as Robyn smooths the blankets on the still dewy grass.

“Just good? You two were inseparable last time I saw you guys.” She needles. Nothing escapes this woman. Her seventh-sense is always spot-on.

“Eh, you know. Growing pains.” I’m no good when it comes to being nonchalant.

“Hmmm.”

“What’s THAT supposed to mean?” I feign offense. We’re cronies. We’re past pretenses, but it doesn’t hurt to act hurt once in a while. Keeps us from tip-toeing our way through each others’ lives.

“Nothing.” Her eyes dart to the way my fingers fiddle with the loose button on my cardigan. “You know when I met my husband, right?”

“When you went online.” I still have trouble piecing together what she’s driving at.

“Yes AND no.” She pinches my nose playfully. I grimace. She caught me wrinkling it again. Key word. WRINKLE. She has none, and insists it’s because she’s met her soul’s mate. “Yes. I met him online. No, that’s not what I meant.”

I look at her blankly. She giggles. “I mean to say, it’s good that you and what’s-his-face are not so hunky-dory.” She’s resorted to riddles. I sigh. Loudly.

“Engrish. Preez.”

“The day I lost ALL my guy friends, was the day I met MY guy.”

“Huh?” I swipe my pinky against the pseudo cream-cheesy goodness of the vegan cupcake. Robyn’s deciding to slam dairy during her pregnancy still eludes me, but I’m game for trying new ways of tricking my tastebuds into thinking they’re being sated.

“Look, I know you’ve got a ton of buddies that have your back. There’s nothing wrong with your band of bros. I just think it’s great timing for you to concentrate on you moving past [the EX-factor].” She’s chattering really quickly now. I’m certain she’s been dying to get this off her chest. “What’s-his-face is the best of the bunch. I know that. You know that. We all have known this.”

“So what’s your point?” I’m edgy. The cupcake is not cutting it. I reach for a Vietnamese sandwich. Robyn’s usually succinct. It’s not characteristic for her to circumvent conversational shrubbery. I bite down hard into my hoagie. She follows suit. We sit silent for a split second. Then it begins.

“I”m just saying. I’m glad what’s-his-face is giving you room now to meet the man-of-your-dreams.”

“Say what?” I’m puzzled. If memory serves me correctly, a few years back, I couldn’t get Robyn off my back about how my best bud and I were meant to be Plato’s picture perfect definition of soulmates.

“Emotional space.” Prompt replies are Robyn’s forte. “It’s prime relationship real estate. Own it. Stop letting what’s-his-face lease it with 0% APR.”

We both sip our teas in silence. Staring at the boats slide lazily across the Bay.

“Online, huh?”

“Yep.”

“Should I let what’s-his-face know?” My best bud balked the last time we spoke of my perusing internet dating. That particular conversation is partially to blame for the “[emotional] space between.”

“You’re no longer renting, hon.” I know this. “It’s time to buy.”

We clicked at first, but as time went on we realized a romantic relationship between us was not going to work. I didn’t want to give up on this relationship entirely because I did enjoy hanging out with him, so I proposed friendship and waited for the response. I received hesitation at first, but I expected that reaction given our brief dating past.

Fortunately, he came around and now we are just friends. I made it very clear to him that I have no intentions of sleeping with him or fooling around with him because I don’t see the relationship in that way any more. I’ve never gone from romantic to friends so I’m operating in cautionary mode as well, but I feel my declaration of zero physical attraction seemed to have made the transitional process smoother.

I do consider him a friend in the sense of someone I can ask to hang out with, but time will tell whether he turns out to be a real friend or not.

Have you experienced something like this? How did the situation work out for you? Great? Never been better? Worse than before?? Who decided to remain as friends? What’s it like being in the Friend Zone?

I want to hear all about it!!