Category Archives: Dating Dictionary

5 Signs He’s a Bad Boy!

By Eric J. Leech, author of Love, Lust, and Relationships

 

A bad boy (a.k.a. player) is a guy who plays women to get what he wants, which is usually sex. You can find these characters at bars, on dating websites, or carousing the deli department at your local grocery store. This term developed in reference to the “dating game”, in which guys have learned the key to winning, is creating an image that fits a woman’s ideal man. Women base their physical relationships from the strength of their union with a guy. The more connected she feels, the more nooky he receives, and thus the hardcore player was born. It is a fine line a bad boy walks. He has five rules to live by in order to hold a woman’s interest. However, within these 5 principles, you’ll soon discover the antidote to his charm.

He’s An Interrogation Master –

A player doesn’t waste time chatting about the weather. He has an agenda to keep, which includes finding your weaknesses and preying upon them. The average guy will take the long road to get to know you, but the player will jump right into your intimate territory. This may seem bold, but it can actually be quite a welcome change from the typical John Wayne conversation you may be used to (yup, nope, head nod, etc.,). The player does not really care about your past relationships, passion, or fashion. He interrogates you to get what he needs to create an image that will send him to the top of your most-wanted list. Once there, he can be sure you won’t be too quick to dethrone him, provided, he maintains your confidence.

He Can Do No Wrong –

Despite what has been written in trashy romance novels, the ideal man is not suave, in control, and can resist the appeal of real butter (Fabio). He is nervous and chatty. When a man arches his shoulders, crosses his legs, or chatters uncontrollably, he is trying to appear approachable and non-threatening. The player does not want to place himself among your level. He wants to be above it, in control, which is why he may seem impressively sure of himself. He wants you to think you can relinquish yourself into his care, believing he knows what you need. However, he doesn’t. Getting to know someone takes a lot of time and attention, neither of which a player has.

He’s a Mystery Man –

Players are fortunate women are attracted to mysterious men, because if they knew what he was really like, they’d not be too impressed. One of the reason’s mystery works, is it allows the opportunity to bestow any characteristic you’re looking for in a man. He may not talk much about past relationships, so you assume he is kind, compassionate, and faithful. Studies suggest women are drawn to men who give mixed signals. This is the player’s style, drawing women in with compliments and promises, then keeping her at bay with his non-action. Players live in secrecy, taking discrete phone calls, going on mystical business trips, and complaining about other women they refer to as stalkers.

He’s Hot… No Wait, He’s Cold –

This takes us to the players dating style, which is very hot and cold. The player will start things by wining and dining, complimenting, and gushing over you. However, once he has won you over, he will leave you waiting by the phone. This is because a player fears commitment and intimacy, more than he does loneliness and instability. He loves the chase, but becomes quickly bored by the conquered. You can’t change a player. Once you step onto his roller coaster, you will be in store for a series of exhilaration and let downs. Don’t be fooled by the thrill of the high, because a dating relationship must have trust and security to be truly worthy of any long-term commitment.

He Won’t Commit to Anything –

A player is hard to hold down to plans. He will lie about not being able to attend engagements with friends and family. He believes he can pull the wool over your eyes, but unlikely an entire group. His favorite excuses are, “My battery died,” “I didn’t know you called,” “I was stuck in heavy traffic,” and “I got stuck in my trunk after my battery died.” This last excuse is reserved for when the stuff really hits the fan. The player is always weighing his options before making a commitment. This means the majority of your time will be spent on last minute dates, better known as hooking up. Emergencies do come up. However, when relatives die, then miraculously come back to life during a discussion that same week, he’s not even trying anymore.

What is Love? Part 2

What exactly is love?

“Why can’t we just sniff each other like dogs and mate?”

“Why do women make this love thing so complicated?”

For one, the hunt wouldn’t be as interesting if it was too easy, truly. Being human takes work. To deal with the complex matrix that makes the human brain and find lasting love, we can take the word of any religion that tells us exactly what to do. Not.

You could figure it out by trial and error. How exhausting.

Really, you want to be smart about this whole love thing, right? Throughout history, romantic love has played major roles. Antony and Cleopatra, John and Abigail Adams, Bonnie and Clyde, Lucy and Desi, John and Yoko, and some of our parents. Repeat: some.

Making éros happen for the long haul takes 3 things:

  1. attraction
  2. readiness
  3. compatibility

Attraction

This is easy. All you need is a pair eyes. (If you don’t have eyes, sorry.) If every woman in the world took care of herself inside and out, the streets would be an ocean of eye candy. Since not every woman takes care of herself, the number of attractive women is limited. Still, there are plenty of women to light up your love rod. (Of course there’s the not-so-hot woman with personality who you might find is pretty “alright” after getting to know her. But that’s not the point right now.)

You want that attraction to last, of course. Looks don’t last forever, so it also takes associating those initial sparks with the intimacy that develops as a result of bonding. More on that later.

Readiness

Now, if you scoffed at the title of this article, you’re might not be ready to embrace this thing called love. Though you’ve probably been through enough trial and error to realize that it must exist. As tragic as true love ending in death, being ready means being willing to risk impending loss just to enjoy reknowned relationship bliss for even a brief moment on Earth.

Sometimes it takes life changes to realize readiness, such as the birth of a child, or witnessing the least commitment-minded person you know falling in love. Sometimes it takes pressure from family or friends. Sometimes we just grow up. A few are ready long before the rest of us because that’s how they were born.

Being ready for love takes having EQ. That is, emotional intelligence. If you didn’t know, EQ is like IQ, but it regards how one handles his or her emotions. A person with high EQ has the ability to empathize with others and handles heated situations with calm, for example. Not everyone who commits to a relationship has high EQ. But for true love to happen, it’s definitely helpful. True love could happen without high EQ, though that would be an emotional rollercoaster.

Readiness without drama certainly requires at least some emotional intelligence. Even better if it grows. EQ growth happens when working through emotions or painful memories and becoming resolved about them. It might take therapy, serious talks with someone you trust, or plenty of man-cave time.

Compatibility

If readiness isn’t challenging enough, there’s compatibility.

The problem with compatibility is that it’s easy to be deceived into thinking you get along with a woman just because you shared one amazing night or week together. More often than not, real compatibility lacks. It takes life experience, use of logic, or friends showing us how blind we are to see when compatibility is missing.

Sometimes similarities mask incompatibility. Just because you moved to the same neighborhood, worked in the same industry, and like the same music doesn’t make you and the girl you like compatible. The test of compatibility happens among day-to-day redundancies, such as dealing with how bills are paid, or how the house is kept.

Of course, you can’t know if you and a woman are compatible in daily life without becoming roommates. If that situation is out of the question, having friends who know you really well can help. You know, friends with that sixth sense.

Compatibility is unfortunately the one thing that couples absolutely need for true love but far too often miss. How can we be more astute in having compatibility in a relationship? That will be the topic in the next article in this series on love.

What Is Love? Part I

In the next few weeks, I will focus on that seemingly ever-elusive topic: love. Personally, I like the idea of lasting love and have devoted the last 3 years of my life to explain in plain English how to have it. Hence, the series:

What Is Love?

Part 1 – Love: Where did we go wrong?

Somewhere in the midst of caveman clubbing, hair-dragging, and procreation, romantic love developed. And in spite of the ancient writings of King Solomon and the Kama Sutra, our culture is largely ignorant on how to have lasting love with a significant other. Could this be due to what American culture is: apple pie, cowboy boots, Hollywood, and suburbia? Tsk, Americans aren’t that shallow.

Western history nonetheless has caused people of breeding generations to question love.

Exponential population growth definitely doesn’t help with the answer. Only 100 years ago, the world’s population was less than 2 billion. This year it will reach 7 billion. Maybe the trouble of finding true love today is simply a matter of decreasing odds. If that’s the case, some of us are smart, raising that probability by meeting our soul mates in college, in the neighborhood, or through a friend. Fewer are plain lucky. Most of us are sadly left to sift through the masses, or worse, online dating profiles.

“These days we question why couples stay together more than why they split.”

Are people staying together out of convenience, for comfort or companionship? It seems less likely that a couple is together for love. In that rare relationship in which the old man says of his elderly wife how beautiful she is, we’ve got to ask how to achieve that true love. Does it really exist?

In Greek there are 4 different words for love: éros, philia, storge, and agápe. Eros is the love we all know in the world of romance to mean intimate, or passionate love. Philia refers to friendship among family and friends. Storge is affection such as felt by parents for their children. And agape is unconditional love coming from compassion and understanding. These are rough translations, because in Greek, all four of these words are used to describe truly romantic marriage.

In English, love has been reduced to a buzzword. We say “I love you” even without romance. Even natives of other languages say “I love you” in English more than in their first language. This is ridiculous.

So, how can real love be reestablished?

Let’s think about reasons why we love. Let’s take man’s best friend for example. You give your new dog food, a toy, a place to lie down, maybe take her for a walk or play with her. That dog says thanks by showering you with kisses, guarding you when strangers approach, and panting with excitement when you come home. Reciprocity abounds as a bond develops. In a short amount of time, you grow to love that dog as she becomes part of your family. Pretty easy. If only loving women worked the same way.

The confusion with love these days begins with a word that isn’t love at all. Lust, or epithumeo in Greek, has passion and can be confused easily with éros. You see a pretty girl and the way she looks does something to your hunter instinct as it sniffs out the viability of this prey. A few things in common gives you ammunition for the kill. She falls. Devouring her makes happiness and oxytocin, but it doesn’t last. Next day, the carcass rots. Not love.

Then there’s the opposite problem – the “friend”.

Of course you love (philia) your friend. She’s easy enough on the eyes and you respect her companionship. In fact, you might as well be joined at the hip because she is you in female form. But she doesn’t turn on that hunter instinct. Too bad.

As finding someone to love in all 4 Greek forms is increasingly difficult, it’s important to remember that the benefits of ensuring success may outweigh the struggle, especially when we walk away from failure with experiential lessons. In the words of Alanis Morissette, you live, you learn. Besides, we’ve all gone wrong about love at times in our lives, except maybe for the fortunate few.

In the days when fertility and sexuality was celebrated on February 15 (later to become the 14th), courtship and romance was not very common. More often, marriages were arranged for financial, social, or political reasons. Today, we have every reason to be grateful for our liberties. Nobody wants to be miserable. Everyone wants love.

This series on the topic will explore different factors of love in romantic relationships – how to find it, how to use it, and exactly what it is. Let’s figure out how to make the most of it.

Holidating, Part 1: New Year’s Resolution or Cupid’s Coercion?

Have you noticed that holidays have a way of influencing our dating behavior? If so, then you’ve experience the phenomenon I call, holidating. For example, we just rang in a new year and many of us have made resolutions that revolve around dating: date more, screen out psychos, end unfulfilling relationships, get into a serious relationship, and so on. Furthermore, Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. There is added pressure about our dating status during this couple-centric holiday. Therefore, some people will stay in a sub-par relationship just to avoid being alone on February 14th. On the other hand, some single people may avoid dating around Cupid’s day because it may prematurely escalate the development of relationships. For instance, a single person may want to casually date or may not be sure if this person works better as a friend.

So what’s the answer? Take notice of your thoughts and feelings about the new year and Valentine’s Day. Becoming aware of how these holidays influence your dating behavior is a big step. With this awareness, you now have a choice of how you will let it affect you. The important thing to remember is that you always have choices. So I wish you luck in the upcoming weeks.

Dating Definition: a GUYS’ girl

Function: noun

Definition: A woman who ONLY hangs out with men, but is NOT a tomboy.  She may be able to chitchat with women who are in the vicinity (though she’ll stay somewhat aloof around them), but she chooses not to keep other females around.  She’ll seem cool because she”gets” the opposite gender, is a gamer, into comic books, wrestling with the guys or loves sports and action flicks.  A guys’ girl does NOT have a core group of great, solid friendships with other women who they can relate to or be kept accountable for their actions with.  Other women usually do NOT trust these kinds of women, especially around their significant others.

Example:

SMARTASS FRIEND: “She’s trouble.  I mean, she’s cool to hang with in a social setting, BUT she’s a guys’ girl — NOT a girls’ girl.”

CLUELESS GUY: “Huh?”

SF: “You know, the kind of girl that will be the only female in a posse of guys.”

CG: “So… what’s wrong with that?”

SF: “There’s nothing wrong with that, unless you’re OK with her one day sleeping with your soon-to-be-former-best-friend OR bastard-of-a-roommate.  Then it hits you that she surrounds herself with men because she always needs attention FROM guys AND doesn’t have what it takes to make good solid female friends. Any girl worth her salt will spell it out to you: females who can’t hold a true friendship with another gal pal are T-R-O-U-B-L-E.

Dating Definition: Baking

Function: Action verb.

Definition: The act of waiting for someone to be “ready” for the kind of relationship one wants.

Example: (see conversation below)

**************************************************

CLUELESS GIRL: So he says he’s okay with us being just friends.

SMARTASS FRIEND: He’s lying.

CG: No — really, that’s what he says.  Since we don’t have the chemistry, he’s certain we’re meant to be amazing friends.

SF: Honey, don’t be naive.  He’s waiting.

CG: Waiting for what?

SF: For you to be ready.

CG: Ready for what?

SF: For you to be done in the oven.  For you to realize that you want a relationship with him.  He’s baking.

CG: Are you for real?

SF: Trust me.  He’s not convincing just you.  He’s trying to convince himself.  Your guy’s definitely baking.

Introducing Dating Forums

We would like to introduce a new section of DatingThoughts.com: DatingThoughts Dating Forums!

Over the last six months, we have received many great emails to our writers and in post comments asking for our take on a certain dating situation.  What does it mean when a guy/woman says….?  What would you recommend I do in this situation?  We have also received a fair share or hilarious dating horror stories.

Well, we thought it would be fun to create a forum where our readers could interact with each other and our writers more easily and discuss juicy topics such as these.  So DatingThoughts Dating Forums were born.  For starters, we have 3 main forum categories:

1) Analyzing Dating Behavior (Women’s).

2) Analyzing Dating Behavior (Men’s).

3) Random Rants, a catch all category called “were readers can share funny dating stories, vent, etc.

Please check out and contribute to our forums today!  They can be found: here.  And as always, please feel free to contact us with your feedback and suggestions–it is always welcome.


Warm regards,

DatingThoughts.com

Dating Definition: cougar

Function: noun

Definition: A woman aged 40 years or old who preys on younger men. During a hunt, she can often be spotted by her leopard print outfit, which makes her feel and look younger.

Example: “Sweet, look at all the cougars at this bar. Looks like we’ll be getting our drinks bought for us tonight.”

Background:
The name “cougar” was used because it was associated with the leopard print clothing that was popular among these women to help them feel young. My definition of cougar places the age of the woman starting at 40. I disagree with definitions that state cougars are 35+ because it seems arbitrary. Statistically, the risk of pregnancy complications significantly increases at age 35, however, culturally that age is not very significant. However, age 40 is recognized as “over the hill” and therefore many people have their midlife crisis then. Therefore, major shifts in a person’s own identity occurs so to maintain a sense of their youthfulness, cougars will have plastic surgery, get Botox injections, and wear provocative clothing.

Related article: Older Woman Seeking Boy Toy by Potted Plant