Category Archives: Horror Stories

TRUTH about cats & dogs

“It’s a given that all men are dogs. What differentiates each guy is how much dog is in him.”

I barely settle into my side of the cab and my college buddy starts barking his version of conventional dating wisdom at me.

“I suggest you tap into me to discern the purebreds from the strays in your life and NOT that silly book by Steve Harvey.” Davis glances down at the three copies I’ve got carefully tucked in a clear plastic bag for my gal pals. He’s determined to squeeze in brunch by the Bay before heading back to Tulsa. “You know a good guy will come along when you least expect it, or are looking for it.”

It’s obvious he’s caught wind of my recent internet dating fiasco. I suspected as much when both he and the girls were quite insistent that we meet up on this not-so-sunny Sunday morning. I try to fill him in on my latest mismatch: Mr. Persistent-turned-less-Consistent.

“Well, that could be a sign, but it also could be something came up.” Davis runs his hand through his chin length hair. Looks at my expectant expression and pinches my nose before it can wrinkle. “You should never read too much into what men do, because, quite frankly, we don’t know what the hell we are doing in most cases.”

“It just throws me for a loop. I like it when guys do what they say they’ll do. I thought we had that. It’s what I liked the most about him.” So I thought. I am SUCH the SUCKER.

“The guys you select just don’t know real talent when they have it in their grasp.” He shakes his wavy locks. “It’s just a shame.”

“You’re being sweet because you’re my friend.” My mood matches the forecast. It doesn’t help that I’m not a morning person.

“No. I’m telling you because you’re missing the point. The one thing I do know is that the more you women like a man, the more they get all scared.”

“Who does?” Davis wags his finger between himself and the driver. The driver glances back at us through his rear view mirror, his eyes crinkle in agreement. He’s got great laugh lines. He’s also got on a ring. On his left hand. Guess he’s not one of the strays.

Davis rubs the steamy window with his elbow. He squints at the street signs up ahead. “Make yourself a little mysterious. We love a good mystery.”

Here we go again. “I don’t get it.”

“Look, you know I think you are the sweetest woman I have ever met. Just real thoughtful and nice. And I am a total prick.” Davis guffaws. Maybe that’s a mark of a real man in the Midwest. Someone not afraid to carry around, then empty out, belly fulls of laughter everywhere he goes.

“So if I see it, you know darn well those soft guys you like will notice it, too.” He laughs out loud again at the look of horror I can’t seem to squelch these days. “The old adage, ‘don’t mistake kindness for weakness’ perhaps.”

This time, I groan loudly. “I barely know how to flirt as it is. Now that I’ve sorta got that down, what next?”

“What you have to do is be interested, but not seem interested. It’s a fine line to walk, but be more cat-like than dog-like.”

“What’choo talkin’ ’bout Willis?” The rain’s pounding on the cab’s rooftop now, matching the rhythmic thudding of my heart.

“You ever notice how a dog runs up to you when you come home?” I nod. He smiles. Doesn’t skip a beat and continues: “But a cat. Oh my, a cat does not seek you out. A cat has to be found.”

The gentle drum of the rain onto the roof of our cab does nothing to drown out Ra Ra Riot’s refrain ringing in my head …my bed’s too big for just me… I shake my head. Hard.

“Be more like a cat.” Just for the record, I abhor cats. Of any kind. Maybe it’s because I’m deathly allergic. “You are sweet with a heart of gold, but not every guy needs to know that from the start. And, lastly, mix it up just a little bit. Maybe you need to be more selective. A lot more selective.” No kidding.

It’s my turn to stare out the window. It’s all fogged up. So is the story of my current dating situation. Gotta love it.

“Just don’t play your hand too fast is all.” Davis hands the driver a twenty and slips out of the cab. He opens his umbrella and holds out his hand towards me. “Quality women usually get quality men. It just does not happen on the time table you may have set for yourself.”

SINGLE-itis

I’ve come to rely heavily on Depeche Mode’s take on GOD’s bizarre sense of humor — especially when it comes to my dating life. It’s been six months (give or take) since the scolding I got from Karen at the clinic for not practicing better cootie control. I cried abstinence, so I guess GOD decided it was high time I partake in taste-testing some crow by exploring what Mr. Ethical Slut coined as “camel sex.”

Sure, I’ve been dating. Just not seriously. I’m not ready to be serious. At least, that’s what I tell myself and all my busybody buddies.

Speaking of which, I recently stumbled upon a bizarre realization that all my engaged/married friends expect to live vicariously through me. Which is sad. As of late, I really haven’t got much to offer in terms of entertainment value. It hasn’t been pretty trying to explain what it means to have camel sex. Those dinner party points drop faster than Tiger scoring down by Pebble Beach.

Last weekend, one of my favorite married couples invited me over to meet the newest addition to their family. I absolutely LOVE kids, so I couldn’t wait to meet baby Noah. Little did I know that three other married couples (and their kids) felt the same exact way. Oh joy.*

*Look. I have NOTHING against happily married couples. I’m simply stoked when they start popping out kids. I really, truly LOVE babies. Just not when they poop. I can handle barf. I can’t stand poop.

Which brings me back to another thing I can’t stand: how SMUG couples get. It’s inevitable really. They can’t help themselves. I’m convinced of it. The moment your friends enter couple-hood, they conveniently forget what it’s like to have the “-itis.” As in SINGLE-itis.

Had I known I was going to get ambushed with FOUR sets of happily-married-couples, I would have been better prepared for the emotional onslaught to come. HELL, I would have printed and passed out copies of Potted Plant’s 7 Things You Should Never Say to Your Single Friends!

Alas, I was not clued in this time around. So I braced myself for the worst. If you’ve seen BRIDGET JONES’ DIARY — just imagine that dinner scene with all the couples. It promised to get THAT bad.

The funny thing is, I’m not writing this to bitch about married couples. I also want to point out that I’m not an instigator by nature. Nor am I a trouble-maker. I’m a peace-loving kind of gal. Just don’t EVER patronize me about my SINGLE-itis.

I state this because I’ve come up with the BEST way to deflect attention from my SINGLE-itis. I’m going to share it FREE OF CHARGE. All you have to do is ask all the happy couples to relay the “STORY OF US.” It’s quite comical to see how extremely squirmy the adults get. Especially those of the male gender. I mean, you’d think that after making us SINGLE folks watch those damn wedding videos delineating the time frame from which person A was born to meet person B — they’d have their story down pat.

NOPE. Not at ALL. No WONDER they have those damn videos.

Let’s just say, by the end of the evening, I quickly thanked GOD for the sense of humor only GOD has. To place me in a situation where I initially was dreading to quickly finding myself thanking each and every lucky star that I have SINGLE-itis. That I still have ample opportunities to connect-the-dots around town and find someone worthy of memorizing the “STORY OF US” the way it’s supposed to be. By heart.

what FACEBOOK tells me

You’re an asshole.

Plain.

Not so simple.

In fact, you’re an insecure narcisist with no less than 50 uploaded profile photos of your various pouts and poses to prove it.  You even catalogue your ex-girlfriends with captions below.  Sexy.

I never knew FB was a vehicle for name dropping, til I perused your profile.  So what if you’re some hotshot Hollywood hack!  Pitch me this: why the hell should we keep dating — since you spread your ego so thickly all over your page, there’s really no room for my space in your life?

You dress like the devil.  Literally.  Lots of red.  A little too much.  Santa gets away with being adorable in a little red suit.  You?  Not so much.  Though I get it: seduction’s not your strong suit. I also get that you’re all about the chase, NOT so hot on the finish.

You’re a friend poacher.  I’ve noticed you’ve already plunged into my picks and made plenty of them your own.  Without the vested time and interest of course.  Gee, how convenient for you.  And that’s only after meeting them on our psuedo-date # 2.  To you?  Friends = colleagues.  Everyone you know is someone you either worked with or worked up.  No sense of history.  Do real relationships elude you?

Hmmmm.

The ratio of females to males are raising both my eyebrows.  Especially the scantily clad ones.  And not just those of my gender.

Hmmmm.

Que mas, que mas, que mas?

You’re definitely amusing as fuck.  Your postings keep me rolling.  Not just the eyeballs.  I could do without the status updates, though.  What I now know of you that I wish I didn’t?  You have a VERY small bladder.  Which can only lead one to wonder…

BTW, if you’re going to date multiple girls at once, you may not want them to find out you double-booked via FB.  Seriously.  At least spread ’em out.  Girl # 1 gets added to your MySpace.  Girl # 2 to Friendster.  Girl # 3 to Klamour.  Girl # 4 to LinkedIn.  Girl # 5 to Hi5.  Girl # 6 (yours truly) to FB.

See?  I should be your personal dating consultant.  I’d watch you doggie-paddle for a bit.  Maybe I’d throw you a bone or two, before pulling the plug to keep you from drowning in dating drama.  It’s fun letting you think your suave and saavy.  Because, you’re not.

Why?  You leave NO room for mystery.  You’re cute in that hobbit kind of way, but there’s NOTHING that keeps me wanting to get to know you.

T.

M.

I.

Oh what a tangled web

I had been friends with Becca and Mark while at college. They were my inspirational couple: both attractive and worked so well together. We hung out occasionally and I had both of them on my buddy list. After I graduated, we kept in touch and still got together from time to time. I was shocked one day when I received an IM from a girl, Katie, I had an on-again/off-again friendship with in college and she proclaimed that she was dating Mark. I asked what had happened with Becca, to which she responded, “I don’t know, but he said they had broken up.”

Being the concerned friend, I IMed Becca and said, “hey, I just heard you and Mark broke up, is everything okay?”

To my total and complete horror, she responded with the one thing I wasn’t expecting:

“We aren’t broken up.”

I wasn’t sure how to react. Either Katie had lied or Mark had lied. Becca, understandably, wanted to know who told me that they had broken up. I didn’t want to reveal Katie until I found out what had happened. I told Becca that I must have misunderstood something that someone said and to let me try to get to the bottom of it.

Back over to Katie: “Um hey, I was just talking to Becca and she says that she and Mark are still together.” Denial. Anger. Whatever stages of grief you can remember from psychology class. At first she didn’t want to hear it, but she eventually came around. She said she’d talk to Mark and find out what was going on. A day later, Katie IMs me, very upset, and confirms that Mark was cheating on Becca. With her. Ouch.

The entire shakeout went like this. Katie tells Mark to take a flying leap for lying to her. Becca tells Mark to take a flying leap for cheating on her. No hard feelings between Becca and Katie. Mark ends up alone. Zack briefly ends up dating Katie. Oh what a tangled web…

spooning

It kills me that I had to upgrade.

I went from BOSE to SHURE.  Had to ditch the top-of-the-line noise cancellation headphones for the “industry strength” noice-isolation gear.  The fact that I even know the difference tells you just how serious I am — about sleep.

See, it wasn’t so bad when the snoring was intermittent.  Even so, the run-of-the-mill ear plugs were no match for the horrendous bulldozer type sounds emitting from the body just inches away from mine.

I’m a light sleeper.  It’s tough enough when you’re trying to find the easiest position to fall asleep in.  His arm around your waist, lightly resting across your hip.  The rise and fall your breathing falling in sync with one another.  He’s got his side, and you’re comfortably situated on the left.  Right?

SO wrong.  Not even close.

It’s terrible when you can even “HEAR” the vibrations of his snoring through your sleep.  I tried EVERYTHING.  Rolled him over.  Felt guilty about it for two seconds before I tried smothering him with the extra pillow.  NOTHING worked.

I would squeeze myself against the wall — to sneak away from his sleep snarling.  Yes.  This is WITH the noise-cancellation headphones plugged into my iPod pumping out Ne-Yo full blast.  Next thing I know, I’m his human teddy bear.  I’m being dragged across the bed like a rag doll and my chest is now flattened by his left arm crushing me against him.  Adam Merrin is now crooning that “It’s Still Allright” and I beg to differ — it is NOT all right.  NOT AT ALL.  For GOD’s sake!!!  We were sleeping on a memory foam mattress.  Rolling aftershocks.  I kid you not.

This is no longer spooning.  It’s being held hostage for the next six hours.  The death grip is worse when you’re in bed with someone who’s dreaming about KOing his opponent as a Nacho Libre type fighter.

So what do I do?  I resort to waking his ass up just to “fool around.”  This only comes with complaints the next morning that my libido knows no end.  That he’s enjoys my friskiness, but needs his shut-eye in order to make the multitude of early A.M. business calls.  I just shrug, roll over as he gets dressed and try to catch one full hour of blessed, blissful, uninterrupted sleep before heading out the door myself.

Might as well make the best of it.  Right?

Debunking “When Harry Met Sally . . . ”

Can men and women be platonic friends? Whenever I get into conversations on this topic, someone usually brings up the movie, When Harry Met Sally . . . (1998). This film is an icon for making a case that men and women cannot be platonic friends. The protagonist, Harry Burns argues,

men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

Harry may be right for his life but his theory is not universal. I, for one, am an example of someone who breaks the rule. Some of my closest friends are women and we have not gone down or even plan on going down the dating path. Some people are skeptical of my platonic friendships with women because of their subjective experience and perspective. It is understandable why they think they way they do, however, I would like to shed some light on why I disagree and show why When Harry Met Sally . . . is just a movie.

Does Sex Really Get in the Way of Friendship?

The biggest argument against platonic man/woman friendships is the possibility of sex. This reason presumes that we have not evolved beyond our primal instincts and that we have no control over our sexual impulses. It also supposes that men and women are only primarily interested in each other for sex. This reasoning is too simplistic and neglects that there are many other reasons why men and women befriend each other. Also, sex may be an issue but people have a higher level of discernment than that. Therefore, sex may be a factor but it is not mutually exclusive for relationships between men and women.

Rules of Attraction

In terms of attraction, people surround themselves by people with similar levels of attraction. The company you keep is like a mirror of your own self-image. There may be a few outliers (an ugly or hot friend) but most of your close friends are probably equally attractive. Therefore, it makes more sense to see friends be attracted to each other than not.

Importance of Communication

One of the most important factors in maintaining any relationship is communication. Most fights and arguments occur because one or both parties were not clear in conveying their wants and needs. People are not mind readers, however, we often think that people close to us should just “know”. Often we assume someone else’s intensions but we do so with little accuracy. Confronting a person about their intension can be awkward so many of us often settle for our misconceptions. However, if we are able to communicate our wants and needs more clearly and get confirmation from the receiver that they understood what we said, then many problems would be eliminated.

Boundaries

To make a good relationship work, it requires clear boundaries. By clarifying the basis of the relationship, it is easier to develop the relationship to its full potential. However, not being clear with where you stand can often blur the relationship. Having the Define The Relationship (DTR) talk may be uncomfortable but it is a necessary step in developing a close friend.

Usually when I hear why a platonic friendship did not work out, it was because one person crossed the line. Often this breach occurred because one party felt lonely, horny, or drunk. They may have also taken too much liberty in their friendship and did not respect the boundaries that were set up. Furthermore, a person can confuse intimacy with passion, which goes into my next point.

Difference Between Intimacy and Passion

According to Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love (1986), there are three components of love. These elements are commitment, intimacy, and passion. Depending on the existence and combination of these components, different types of love evolve. The following are the different forms of love:

  • Nonlove = No Intimacy, No Passion, and No Commitment.
  • Liking/friendship = Intimacy
  • Infatuated love = Passion
  • Empty love = Commitment
  • Romantic love = Intimacy + Passion
  • Companionate love = Intimacy + Commitment
  • Fatuous love: Passion + Commitment
  • Consummate love: Intimacy + Passion + Commitment

Therefore, intimacy and passion are separate components. Intimacy is closeness and sharing of private information. Passion is lust and desire. Close friends can be intimate without having the passionate feelings for one another.

Benefits

Here are some of the benefits of having a platonic friend of the opposite gender:

  • Have someone to accompany you to +1 events (i.e. weddings and parties)
  • Access to information and perspective from the opposite gender
  • Opportunity to talk about different topics than you normally would
  • Fulfill a need for male/female companionship
  • Ability to participate in partner activities (i.e. ballroom dancing)

Having a close platonic friend will help a person learn more about themselves and how they interact with the opposite gender. By examining the relationship, a person can realize their capacity, habits, and blind spots. Ultimately, this will help a person become more sophisticated and grounded, therefore, more able to be in a healthy solid romantic relationship.

In Conclusion

Men and women can be platonic friends. There may be unique challenges because of gender differences and sex. However, a challenge is only a challenge and does not mean it is impossible or improbable. Therefore, be honest with yourself and be clear with your intentions. If you want to date someone, date them. If you only want to be friends then just be friends. If things change, communicate. Be truthful if you can be friends with someone you had a previous romantic interest in but they are not interested in you, and vice versa. The clearer you, the better able you are to nurture yourself and the relationship.

Introducing Dating Forums

We would like to introduce a new section of DatingThoughts.com: DatingThoughts Dating Forums!

Over the last six months, we have received many great emails to our writers and in post comments asking for our take on a certain dating situation.  What does it mean when a guy/woman says….?  What would you recommend I do in this situation?  We have also received a fair share or hilarious dating horror stories.

Well, we thought it would be fun to create a forum where our readers could interact with each other and our writers more easily and discuss juicy topics such as these.  So DatingThoughts Dating Forums were born.  For starters, we have 3 main forum categories:

1) Analyzing Dating Behavior (Women’s).

2) Analyzing Dating Behavior (Men’s).

3) Random Rants, a catch all category called “were readers can share funny dating stories, vent, etc.

Please check out and contribute to our forums today!  They can be found: here.  And as always, please feel free to contact us with your feedback and suggestions–it is always welcome.


Warm regards,

DatingThoughts.com

Awkward Moment #34: The Loud Date

Setting:
You’re on a dinner date in a refined restaurant. Something upscale with candles and linen napkins.
You:
“I’m cool with all kinds of restaurants. I don’t always go to fancy places like this. Just yesterday I was at BJ Brewhouse.”

Date:
Very loudly: “Oh, I love BJs! They taste so good!”

Other patrons:
Drop their forks and look over in shock.