Should I tell her how I feel?

Picture this: you’re going about your business one day when a stranger approaches you. He seems nice enough, average-looking at best, and smiles.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” he says, “but I just need to tell you how wonderful I think you are. You’re absolutely stunning and I love your style. Seriously, every day I see you, you look gorgeous. I’ve thought about it over and over again, what it would be like to be with you, what it would be like to have you smile at me with that beautiful smile. I just…want you to go to dinner with me. Well, not just that, I want to wake up next to you tomorrow morning, I want to shower you with gifts and ravage your body all night long. You just need to give me a chance to be the man you need in your life…and I can do it. Just give me a chance, won’t you?”

You’re taken completely aback. Who the hell is this guy? Has he been stalking you? The things he says are something you’d expect a long-standing lover to say, but you’ve never met him before.

You may be thinking that this guy is crazy, and you’re absolutely right. However, tons of guys make the exact same mistake each and every day. But Zack, you say, I know the girl I’m planning on saying this to. Let me fill you in on something: no you don’t. The very fact that you’re contemplating this line of approach is because you don’t know the girl, you’re not with her in the way you want, and you want to change that. You have this aching inside of you that’s screaming to be with her and you feel like the only way to quiet it is to let her know how you feel. And here’s my advice: don’t do it.

Whether it’s someone you just met or a girl you’ve been out with a handful of times, this type of revelation is destined to backfire. The intensity of your feelings are most likely not matched by hers. Read that again: your intense feelings are not mirrored right now. At some point in the future, they may be, but not right now. And letting her in on just how deeply you feel too early is sure to send her running. You run the risk of many scenarios unfolding: she may get scared of your intensity, she may feel bad that she doesn’t feel the same way. In any event, you’ll end up exactly where you don’t want to be. Without her.

I know it’s gut-wrenching to do, but keep your intense feelings under wraps. You can reveal them five-six months down the line, but for now, the best thing you can do is show her how you feel. This doesn’t mean to buy her a ton of stuff; it means being thoughtful about your interactions. If you know she enjoys an activity, arrange to do it. Be attentive but not overbearing and whenever you get anxious, remind yourself that patience brings more passion than recklessness.

Down the road, once you’ve been together for a while, you can reveal your feelings. You can even tell her that you’ve felt this way since you first met. With months of companionship behind you, she’ll find that endearing and inspiring (as opposed to scary and suffocating if you’ve only just met). Take your time, do it right, and enjoy the rewards.

TOP FIVE

Chandler: Well, we have a deal where we each get to pick five different celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one can’t get mad.
Ross: Ah, the heart of every healthy relationship: Honesty, respect, and sex with celebrities.
Monica: So, Chandler… who’s on your list?
Chandler: Uh, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and, ah, Jessica Rabbit.
Rachel: Now, you do realize that she’s a cartoon… and way out of your league?
Chandler: I know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head.

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You may or may not have divulged your top five, but we’ve all contemplated it.  IF you haven’t?  You should.  It’s rather telling of what you’re looking for in your future fuck buddy, FWB or (gasp!) soulmate.  At least it will delineate the more shallow and superficial side of what you’re gunning for.  And really, there’s NOTHING wrong with that.  At all.

There’s another LIST we should all keep while plowing through the dating circuit.  Recently, a buddy suggested that I create an actual document of what I want in a mate: to strategically place my intentions for who I am looking to connect-the-dots with in the near future.  So after weeding through over a hundred and eleven different “must haves” — I had to flick on my own reality switch and develop a much more user friendly version of this mental checklist.  I actually keep it handy at all times. It pops up whenever I catch myself looking at someone in a new angle or light.

I’ve decided to make my list gender-friendly.  There are some things both guys and gals should know, but you know what they say about assuming… right?  SO, here’s a few mandatory “items” on the list to shy away from when faced with the dating dilemma of choice.

1.  NEVER date a guys’ girl — unless you want to question if she’s one day going to end up with either your soon-to-be-former-best friend OR bastard-of-a-roommate.  Yes.  It has happened to quite a few clueless saps.  Now that you know?  You’re not allowed to be a dumbass.  Seriously — if you see the girl surrounded by guys ALL the time, you gotta wonder WHY she needs to be around guys ALL the time.  Does she need THAT much attention?  Really?  Ask HER — do you have ANY girl friends?  ANY CLOSE GIRL FRIENDS?  This is a critical question to research.  To find out.  Why?  Any girl worth her salt will spell it out to you: females who can’t hold a true friendship with another gal pal are T-R-O-U-B-L-E.  I’d take the time to do so — but that’s for another post.  You’re just going to have to trust me on this one.

Girls?  Same rule applies to guys who do NOT have good guy friends.  If they’re always consulting their female friends for advice… be wary.  BE VERY WARY.  Let’s just give you the simple scenario of your first spat with your lover.  You really want him running to his gal pals about why you’re such a bitch?  OR would you rather he tell his guy friends, who will tell him to STOP being a bitch and deal with you directly about it.  See?

2.  Does she have DADDY issues? This is HUGE.  Shy away from the ones that are constantly looking to fill their daddy’s shoes.  You will NEVER treat her as well.  Face it.  You lose.

Ladies?  I haven’t forgotten you.  The biggest RED FLAG to include on your list is one simple question:

3.  Does he ALWAYS have to check in with his mum? Oh my.  You are SCREWED.  She will never think of you as good enough.  You will always fall short.  Look up the true definition of SIN.  Yes… your name is now plastered next to it in HER eyes.  There you go.  Your life has officially ended the moment you’ve decided to take that juicy bite into the apple of her eye.

4.  Does she/he have a best friend of the opposite gender? My thing is simply — if he/she is their best friend, WHY do they need you?  I said it.  I believe it.  I’m also a hypocrite, because there are always exceptions to ALL these “rules.”  Argue with me, I quadruple dare you to.  You have to admit this rule makes you think, though, huh?  You’ve seen “My Best Friend’s Wedding” — and you saw how that turned out.  The sorta-kinda Disney-fied version “Made of Honor” doesn’t count.  Dempsey is HOT.  It’s a DUH decision.  Then there’s the die-hard folks who will bring up Harry Burns and Sally Albright.  For those of you who haven’t perused his latest entry — Mr. Ethical Slut will argue that the challenge to keep the friendship platonic is up for grabs for those who can stomach it in his attempt to DEBUNK “When Harry Met Sally.”

5.  DITCH the DRAMA.  This particular item on the list keeps me out of a LOT of trouble.  Seriously.  It’s when that crazy part of me starts wondering if I should finally find out what it would be like to kiss that guy from the third grade who tried to hold my hand at recess.  EVEN though he’s engaged.  This rule also kicks my ass back into gear when the much more carnal side of me is ready to hunt down a newly divorced guy that’s emotionally spent — and spend him in other ways that don’t involve investing feelings. Hmmmm… Remember, some rules are MEANT to be broken.

So, who’s your TOP FIVE?

Making a game of the goal

When you’re single, dating seems like a game with a single goal: to find a partner. And when you focus on that single goal, it seems rather daunting. What if you had some other goals to focus on instead? Here’s a few ideas for switching up your dating regime:

1. Create a “yes” time. A “yes” time is a time when you say yes to things that you would normally say no to; that’s your goal. Imagine someone inviting you out to do something you either don’t like or have no interest in. Instead of saying no to that opportunity, say yes and go. If you’re a girl, this may mean saying yes to a guy who you normally wouldn’t go out with. Pick out a specific amount of time (a month, two months, etc.) and designate it as a “yes” time. You’ll find that you’ll meet more people and maybe even find a few dates just be changing your default answer.
2. Introduce yourself. The goal here is to introduce yourself to a certain amount of people during a particular event. Introducing yourself means, “hi, I’m Zack, I just wanted to introduce myself.” Hell, go ahead and tell them that you’re trying to meet 10 people that night and let them know which number they are. You don’t have to have a conversation, just do the introduction and move along to the next person. You’ll find this is easier because an introduction takes less than 15 seconds and doesn’t include the stress of needing to come up with banter. No banter, no attempt to get a number = no stress. Just enjoy meeting some new people.
3. Recite Lines. We all have favorite lines we’ve heard either from other people, from movies, from plays, or any other number of sources. These aren’t just pickup lines; they’re part of your anecdotal encyclopedia (think, “are you feeling luck, punk?”). Try to work those lines into conversations you have with other people. The goal is to make the line make sense given the context of the conversation. As a side effect, you’ll learn how to move the conversation in a particular direction and then get a kick out of yourself for actually using a favorite line.

The bottom line here is that switching up your goal when trying to meet people can be a lot of fun. It takes a lot of the pressure off while giving you something tangible to focus on. Can you think of any other fun games to play?

Debunking “When Harry Met Sally . . . ”

Can men and women be platonic friends? Whenever I get into conversations on this topic, someone usually brings up the movie, When Harry Met Sally . . . (1998). This film is an icon for making a case that men and women cannot be platonic friends. The protagonist, Harry Burns argues,

men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

Harry may be right for his life but his theory is not universal. I, for one, am an example of someone who breaks the rule. Some of my closest friends are women and we have not gone down or even plan on going down the dating path. Some people are skeptical of my platonic friendships with women because of their subjective experience and perspective. It is understandable why they think they way they do, however, I would like to shed some light on why I disagree and show why When Harry Met Sally . . . is just a movie.

Does Sex Really Get in the Way of Friendship?

The biggest argument against platonic man/woman friendships is the possibility of sex. This reason presumes that we have not evolved beyond our primal instincts and that we have no control over our sexual impulses. It also supposes that men and women are only primarily interested in each other for sex. This reasoning is too simplistic and neglects that there are many other reasons why men and women befriend each other. Also, sex may be an issue but people have a higher level of discernment than that. Therefore, sex may be a factor but it is not mutually exclusive for relationships between men and women.

Rules of Attraction

In terms of attraction, people surround themselves by people with similar levels of attraction. The company you keep is like a mirror of your own self-image. There may be a few outliers (an ugly or hot friend) but most of your close friends are probably equally attractive. Therefore, it makes more sense to see friends be attracted to each other than not.

Importance of Communication

One of the most important factors in maintaining any relationship is communication. Most fights and arguments occur because one or both parties were not clear in conveying their wants and needs. People are not mind readers, however, we often think that people close to us should just “know”. Often we assume someone else’s intensions but we do so with little accuracy. Confronting a person about their intension can be awkward so many of us often settle for our misconceptions. However, if we are able to communicate our wants and needs more clearly and get confirmation from the receiver that they understood what we said, then many problems would be eliminated.

Boundaries

To make a good relationship work, it requires clear boundaries. By clarifying the basis of the relationship, it is easier to develop the relationship to its full potential. However, not being clear with where you stand can often blur the relationship. Having the Define The Relationship (DTR) talk may be uncomfortable but it is a necessary step in developing a close friend.

Usually when I hear why a platonic friendship did not work out, it was because one person crossed the line. Often this breach occurred because one party felt lonely, horny, or drunk. They may have also taken too much liberty in their friendship and did not respect the boundaries that were set up. Furthermore, a person can confuse intimacy with passion, which goes into my next point.

Difference Between Intimacy and Passion

According to Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love (1986), there are three components of love. These elements are commitment, intimacy, and passion. Depending on the existence and combination of these components, different types of love evolve. The following are the different forms of love:

• Nonlove = No Intimacy, No Passion, and No Commitment.
• Liking/friendship = Intimacy
• Infatuated love = Passion
• Empty love = Commitment
• Romantic love = Intimacy + Passion
• Companionate love = Intimacy + Commitment
• Fatuous love: Passion + Commitment
• Consummate love: Intimacy + Passion + Commitment

Therefore, intimacy and passion are separate components. Intimacy is closeness and sharing of private information. Passion is lust and desire. Close friends can be intimate without having the passionate feelings for one another.

Benefits

Here are some of the benefits of having a platonic friend of the opposite gender:

• Have someone to accompany you to +1 events (i.e. weddings and parties)
• Access to information and perspective from the opposite gender
• Opportunity to talk about different topics than you normally would
• Fulfill a need for male/female companionship
• Ability to participate in partner activities (i.e. ballroom dancing)

Having a close platonic friend will help a person learn more about themselves and how they interact with the opposite gender. By examining the relationship, a person can realize their capacity, habits, and blind spots. Ultimately, this will help a person become more sophisticated and grounded, therefore, more able to be in a healthy solid romantic relationship.

In Conclusion

Men and women can be platonic friends. There may be unique challenges because of gender differences and sex. However, a challenge is only a challenge and does not mean it is impossible or improbable. Therefore, be honest with yourself and be clear with your intentions. If you want to date someone, date them. If you only want to be friends then just be friends. If things change, communicate. Be truthful if you can be friends with someone you had a previous romantic interest in but they are not interested in you, and vice versa. The clearer you, the better able you are to nurture yourself and the relationship.

Nerds Make Better Lovers

You probably know this already, but it’s true! Tracey Lomrantz from The Daily News reports that nerds make better lovers.

[E. Jean Carroll, Elle magazine's love and sex advice columnist,] insists that a woman who is willing to stick it out with a nerd and get past his quirks will be handsomely rewarded. “Don’t give up on him too fast,” she said. “If you stick with him, he’s going to turn out to be really great.”

I guess this means I can now embrace my nerdiness and display it for all to be seen. I can wear my thick glasses with the tape in the middle, roll down my window and blast Weezer from my car, and hold pens and pencils in my shirt pocket. Woo hoo!

Girl:

Hey nerd-boy, is that a roll of quarters in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Boy:

This? Why, it’s my Boba Fett action figure!

Girl:

That’s so hot! Take me now, nerd-boy, take me!

Boy:

Wait, I can’t see! My glasses are fogging up!

The heartbreak routine

We all have one. That thing we do when our hearts are aching. Everyone’s is different and by the time you get to your mid-20s/early-30s, you’ve pretty much got it down. Inject some heartache into your life and you instantly, subconsciously begin your heartbreak routine. The routine may actually help you feel better, it may help to dull the pain, or it may just be something to distract you for a little bit. Regardless of the effect, the heartbreak routine is an important part of our coping process. Here’s mine.

To begin with, I find I’m suddenly not hungry anymore. But yet I force myself to eat (consciously I know I need to). I pine away at work, doing only small things that require no more than 5-10 minutes to complete. My attention span shortens and I can think only about getting home so I can collapse. Once home, I turn on the TV…it doesn’t matter what’s on, I just need the distraction. And then I veg out. For hours. Way past my bedtime.

Basically, I sit in front of that TV until my eyes start to glass over and I can barely keep my head up. At that point, I’m so exhausted that the heartache doesn’t sting anymore; it has become just a dull ache. Reality is completely warped and I’m not sure if what happened today actually happened or if I dreamed it. There’s something comforting in this mental numbness that allows me to actually sleep. If I go to bed at normal time, I’d just roll around with thoughts of the dreaded event for hours; at least in front of the TV I can try to shift my attention for a while without really needing to concentrate. Thank God for reality TV.

The next day I do the same thing, and repeat the pattern until I can barely keep my eyes open at my normal bedtime. At that point, I know I’ll be able to sleep due to utter exhaustion and I can get back to my normal sleeping pattern. If I don’t feel any better, I can start the routine over again.

Perhaps it’s not healthy, but heartbreak routines rarely are. What’s yours? Does it involve alcohol? Friends?

Dating failure feedback

Have you ever been turned down by someone and just wished that you could do a post-talk review to get feedback on what went wrong? If you’ve ever asked yourself why things didn’t work out, then you’ve probably had this thought. If only there were a way to understand what the other person thought, maybe you could actually do something differently to get a different outcome. The fact of the matter is that most people are just too kind to actually tell you why they didn’t call you back, accept your invitation, or want a second date. The again, maybe it’s a good thing; perhaps our egos are too fragile to actually hear that type of honest feedback.

I was hanging out with one of my good friends tonight who is connected to the girl who gave me her number but never called me back. My friend mentioned that this girl confided in her that she had tried dating one of her friends but that it hadn’t worked out. My friend then asked her what she thought about me, to which she replied, “he seemed aggressive, and that scared me.”

Now, no one who knows me would describe me as aggressive. I am confident, assertive, certainly decisive, but definitely not aggressive. I replayed my interaction with this girl when we met. I remember she was tough to talk to initially, kept disappearing for periods of time and didn’t seem all that interested in talking to me. You can’t force someone to talk to you, so I always let her escape, circled around the room to talk to some other people, and would eventually find my way back to talk to her. By the end of the party, the ice was broken and we had some really good conversation. I mean, if she didn’t enjoy the conversation, she could easily have not given me her number.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned through my 30 years on this planet, it’s that people with low self esteem feel imposed on by confident people. When you doubt yourself, people who are self-assured are scary because you know that they may push you into areas that you’re not comfortable with. One of my ex’s actually mentioned that my success was tough for her to deal with because it made her realize she could be doing so much more with her life. That’s low self esteem talking. Those with a healthy self esteem see confident and successful people as proof that their goals are achievable.

Still, I found myself pondering this dating failure feedback. Certainly I shouldn’t try to hide my confidence, if anything, it may have saved me from getting involved with someone that would ultimately make me miserable. But maybe I could work on being more subtle. Perhaps my love of laughter and life-of-the-party attitude can be toned down. I certainly don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, and definitely don’t want anyone to think of me as scary. Feedback is good if it causes growth. And here I grow.

Sex School

“I am sitting on the floor with 18 other women… taking a class on how to give a good hand job.”

Now THAT is how you start an article.

A friend just forwarded me the article “What I Learned in Sex School” and wanted to share some of the tantalizing tidbits I’ve taken from it, so that the women in the audience can drive us men even more wild than you already do:

• Tap into all your senses

  Isolate and indulge each sense. The more intimate you become with each, the more pleasure you’ll receive from each. One lesson involves blindfolding your partner while you are the “sensory explorer.” Another involves rubbing something on each other’s skin, like a feather or honey. Yum.

• Touch “everything but”

  “The object of this class is to drive a man insane,” says the instructor. Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about! And just how do you do that? By touching everything but his penis. Ooo…

• Use both hands

  “When you’re ready to handle his man bone, don’t be afraid to use both hands — well lubed up.” If that isn’t the best sentence ever, I don’t know what is. A suggested technique is: “With one hand or two, gently twist from side to side. Next, use your palms to apply even pressure. Stroke up and off in one swift movement (schwing!), then stroke straight down — you want to give a slight sense of penetration.” Awesome.

• A little clothing is sexier than naked

  This is so true. Pull your panties down a bit. Lift your bra up. Hike up your skirt. All of that will drive your man totally friggin crazy. Hell, just writing about this is driving me crazy. Whew.

• Put your fantasies on paper

  The instructor recommends writing down one or two sex acts you’d really like to see happen on a set of index cards. These are your sex cards. Examples include “I would like to receive oral” or “I would like you to use a vibrator on me.” Then write down a few fantasies of yours. Like the “sex with a cop” fantasy. These are your fantasy cards. In their class, all participants exchange cards to learn new ideas. But you can easily use these on each other for some random fun.

• Don’t force dirty talk

  “With dirty talk, you have to find your own voice. Don’t imitate what people say in bad porn, like, ‘give it to me, you big stud.’ It should be organic, natural.” Even saying something like “I’m going into the living room” in a sexy voice can be very alluring.

• Switch up your oral sex positions

  “If you think you don’t like receiving oral sex — or your guy doesn’t like giving it — you might simply need to find an angle that works for you.” Simple as that. And trying out new positions can be a lot of fun too.

• Use little extras to enhance your O

  Two words: sex toys. Lean about them, use them, and enjoy them. ’nuff said.

• Give yourself a hand

  Masturbation is wonderful, not only to make yourself feel good, but to teach yourself about your body. The more you know, the more you can teach your partner. And the more intense your orgasms will be!

• Tell him what you like

  This is an old golden rule. Communication isn’t only important for everyday relationship issues, it’s also important in the bedroom. Talk to your man and tell him what you like. If you don’t tell him, he’ll never know. And no, no guy out there is a mind-reader.

• It’s all about the tongue

  If you’re performing oral sex on the guy, straight-on vacuum-cleaner sucking isn’t always enough. Use your tongue too. “Flatten your tongue and pretend you are licking a delicious ice cream cone. Then try the ‘pointy-tongue’ technique to stroke up and down and side to side. Do different strokes and touches, like flicking your tongue over the head.” AWESOME.

• Take it slooow

  The operative word in striptease is “tease.” When you’re trying to rile your man sexually, move in slo-mo. Touch yourself slowly. Gyrate your hips slowly. Undress slowly. You’ll drive him crazy and make him want you even more.

• Unleash your inner sex goddess

  “Every woman is sexier if she believes she is.” So true. You are sexy. You’re a walking sex pot. A sex machine. If you feel and know you’re sexy, then everything you do will be sexy to your man. Remember, there’s nothing sexier than a confident woman.

Online Dating: Google ‘em

In the past 5 yrs I’ve done a lot of online dating. My sister and one of my closest friends both found their husbands online, and they’ve been married for some time now. To those who are skeptical, I often hear: “Oh, but how do you know they are who they say they are?”

Hey, it’s no different than meeting someone at a bar, the gym, or a park. These folks are also strangers. Internet romance simply gives you a larger playground to meet and interact, and this my friends, is where your 411 can be found!

Think of Google as your right-hand man in your quest to meet someone you’re truly compatible with. As with any goal, a little due diligence and research can save you a lot of headaches later. I’m not advising a full-blown internet investigation - I only spend 10 minutes of my time on a basic search. It’s free, it’s fast, and you know what? It’s fair. I don’t want to waste my time with people who use the internet to deceive.

Tip #1: Search the screen name

Most people used the same nickname or screen name (like, SurferGirl507). Google their screen name on the internet - this is how I found a guy was posted on several singles sites. His profiles did not match up, and the inconsistencies were big enough to cause concern (like, where he lived). He ended up being engaged, and I found those pics online by using Tip #2.

Tip #2: Search the email address

Still emailing back and forth on the dating web site? Get on regular email quickly. You’ll be surprised how much is posted on blogs, gaming sites, social networks, etc. with email addresses. This is the easiest way to weed out the Porn Freaks and The Miserable Female (they leave an internet trail of bizarre comments everywhere). With the new popularity of dedicated engagement and family web sites, this is also an easy way to save yourself from The Cheater.

Tip #3: People Search

Before the first live date - and yes, even if it’s just for coffee - you should have a first and last name. If you looked me up, you’d see my age is in fact, in my late thirties. If they lie about their age, I’ll bet $100 that’s just the beginning. If this isn’t a deal-breaker for you, so be it. It is for me. A liar is a liar.

Tip #4: Check out their videos

YouTube your way outside of the marketing hype of a perfect profile or glamour shots. Use the screen name from Tip #1, the first part of the email address (i.e, jpensky@hotmail.com, just use jpensky), or their IM nickname. Hey, it’s not always to uncover bad things. There was a guy I got matched with on eHarmony that I wasn’t overly attracted to, but his personality seemed like a fit. His videos on YouTube were hilarious, witty, and endearing. This really changed my mind about pursuing this particular match. Be careful about rushing to judgment on the “questionable” videos you may find. We’ve all had a stupid drunk night that our friend took a video of, and we can’t always control what other people post. I would be heart-broken if someone made assumptions - instead of just asking - about anything they found online about me that was deemed ‘questionable’. Some things, though, are not an anomaly. And the ones who know it are friends, so see Tip #5.

Tip #5: See what their friends say

This is a little harder as I approach my late thirties, as we’re typically on Facebook instead of MySpace. Again, using an email address, screen name or IM nickname on MySpace, you can usually find a host of interesting comments friends make to, and about, your prospective date. “Hey bro’, fun to smoke out with you last night!” or “Hey girl - that was so funny when you barfed in the car”. My friends would never post something like that about me online, nor would I give them that kind of thing to talk about. This is helpful to identify the Losers.

Use these tips sparingly. I don’t run a basic search on everyone. Most of the time I run it when my subconscious has already raised a red flag - instinct is far more powerful than internet sleuthing. It simply confirms what I already suspected. Again, don’t spend a lot of time searching - the purpose of due diligence is to minimize effort and time with people who aren’t ultimately going to be a match.

Finally, if it hasn’t occurred to you already, you may want to clean up your internet trail as well if you plan to date online. I Google myself every couple of months, and remove photo tags, old profiles, etc. that I don’t want the world to see. Ultimately, though, in the internet age it’s almost impossible to remain anonymous. So use this to your advantage and get the basic 411.

What should I do?

Typically my posts are all about giving advice and insights, so I thought it would be interesting to turn things around and ask you, dear readers, for advice. You may recall my mentioning of a certain someone who occupies my thoughts way more than I would like. The short story is that I finally got the guts to ask her out and she responded by saying that even though she did like me (thought I was “amazing”), that she wasn’t ready to deal with dating. Not having been rejected in a while, I didn’t know what to do. Trying to be friends with someone that you want so much more from is not something that interests me, so I did what any self-respecting man does: I hid.

Asking out someone at work is a lot like asking someone out at school. If they say yes, it’s fun to run into them on campus; if they say no, running into them is torture. She was actually on my floor for a while and I’d run into her all the time, smile, and put on my big, “hey, you rejected me but I’m fine” performance. That’s where my acting skills come into play. But I hated doing that, so I tried to be on the lookout for her and hide. I’d see her in the cafeteria frequently and would do what I consider childish things: duck behind a pole, turn my back just as she walked by so she wouldn’t see me. This little game worked for the most part as we rarely made eye contact. I’m convinced that she had no idea how often we would have seen each other had I not been practicing the ninja arts.

Once she moved into another building, I figured I’d be safe. Not so, I still ran into her around campus. Drats. The exposure was more limited, but still there. I was finally getting to a point where seeing her wasn’t that big of a deal. Just another girl, I told myself, that’s all.

This past week, I was late getting out of work and was walking to my car in the parking garage when I see a girl. Now, I’m a gawker…I pretty much check out every girl until I can determine if she’s cute or not, so naturally I’m looking. But then I see her slow down and look in my direction. I can’t quite see who she is but I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. As I get closer…yep, it’s her. Great, no place to hide, full eye contact made. She stops walking and waits for me to walk to her.

“Hey,” she says with a smile that makes me melt, “I haven’t seen you in how long…months?”

“I know,” I pull a smile onto my face, “how’s it going?”

We talk for about ten minutes. Nothing heavy, just a little banter about work and other things that have been going on. She mentioned that she thought she’d see me on campus more but since she moved into a new building, that hasn’t been the case. I’m in the same spot, I told her.

“We should catch up sometime,” she says.

“Sure,” I grimmace, “if you want to get coffee or something…”

“Yeah, we should grab lunch sometime,” she replied.

“Of course,” I say, “you know how to reach me.”

Just then her phone rings and she has to take it. We say goodbye. My mind starts racing. Now what?

Usually, I’m pretty cool with girls. This one, for some reason, has completely gotten under my skin. My stomach turns just thinking of her; the thought of being with her excites me, the thought of being without her makes my heart sink. I was already rejected by her…twice…so the thought of starting over is a tough one. No one likes rejection. But was her suggestion that we catch up an indication that she wants me in her life? Maybe that she’s willing to test the waters? What’s my next move? Do I wait to see if she contacts me for that lunch? Do I take the initiative and ask her to lunch?

Your turn, give me some advice.

Copyright © 2008 Dating Thoughts.

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