A Good Man is Not That Hard to Find
Reposted from GoodMenBook.org (November 18, 2009)
My mother used to pressure me to settle down. “Get married,” she pestered. In spite of this being the modern world and all, it’s still not as easy for a woman to get a husband as it is for a man to get a wife. And I don’t mean finding the “right” spouse. I mean getting someone to say “I do” before witnesses. Let’s face it, women, in general, want to get married before men do.
Granted, people overall take more precautions today before jumping over the broomstick than they did thirty or forty years ago. Just look at the median ages of first-time wedders. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 1971 (when I was born), the median ages of Americans marrying for the first time was twenty-three for men and twenty-one for women. Thirty years later–when Mom really started bugging me–the median ages were twenty-seven and twenty-five. I’m sure those ages would be even higher if not for the increasing number of women doing the proposing. Perhaps these women are tired of being kept up at night by their biological ticking.
A few years ago, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me. My thought was, “Cool. I’m glad I didn’t have to do it.” Don’t get me wrong. We had a great four years, and I was sad. But it was time to move on. He was and still is a good man. He just wasn’t for me. You see, I think a lot like a guy; I’ve tested in the top percentiles in subjects men tend to do better in, such as mechanical comprehension. I enjoy working on my Honda CL360 and watching the Giants kick the Patriots’ asses. But my boyfriend watched football only when the Super Bowl was on–and only when the Steelers were playing. Baseball? Forget it. He wouldn’t even watch the World Series.
At age 36, the age my mother gave birth to me, I decided it was time to consider what she wanted. So I dated–a lot. I had a date almost every week, sometimes two or three in a week. I don’t remember how I met most of those guys, never mind their names. After about six months of this, I started asking my dates, “Can I give you a suggestion?” Then I’d tell them what bugged me about going out with them. I did this as much to help them as to figure out exactly what I was looking for.
All these men were great guys. I saw something endearing in each one, even the guy who didn’t want to hear my suggestion–definitely can’t remember his name. But none of them lit my fire long enough to consider marriage. Relationship, yes. Marriage, no way.
Their grateful responses to my dating suggestions encouraged me to write a book that these great guys would want to read. I researched high and low for issues to write about. I Googled dozens of keywords and read articles six-links deep. In the process I came across a book by clinical psychologist Dr. Alex Avila, LoveTypes: Discover Your Romantic Style and Find Your Soul Mate.
In a nutshell, Dr. Avila says that each of us has one of 16 personality types based on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) that is romantically compatible with another particular personality type. One out of every 100 American women has my personality type. Go figure.
Six out of every 100 American men have the personality type that perfectly matches mine. So that means that six of the last 100 men I dated were my type, right? Not. A man with this personality type marries earlier, and he is compatible with other types besides mine, the types belonging to seventeen out of 100 women. The math = not good for me.
After I learned about the MBTI, how relationships work made more sense to me. It was as though scales had fallen off my eyes. I could see why that good man I was with for four years never rang marriage bells to my ears.
To test Dr. Avila’s theories, I decided to look for my perfect match. I found an abundance of my perfect match at my favorite hangout, the Soho Grand Hotel in New York, but all those men were married. Not so perfect, actually. Then I looked online.
I realized that it’s possible to determine a guy’s MBTI type by examining his online profile. Once in a while, I’d find someone, but he either never responded, was much younger than me, or he was married. Yes, married and dating online. At this point, I just wanted know if Dr. Avila is right. So I wrote to a guy who was married but separated. He wrote back. Twelve emails and two phone calls later, we met. It was eighteen months after breaking up with the Good Man.
The doctor is right. And not only is my now-boyfriend my perfect match, he is also a good man. His story is another blog.
Resolutions
As I sit in this coffee shop, I feel the ground shifting beneath my feet. No, unlike many of the writers on this blog, I don’t live on the west coast, so it’s not an earthquake.
It’s change, and a lot of it.
It’s all good change, and it’s really exciting change: there’s a new place to live, new surroundings (even if it’s a familiar city), a new year, in a new decade, and new resolutions.
It’s on the last one, I pause. What resolutions? I mean, how will I improve myself in 2010. . . I can always go with the regular ones – lose weight, be in better shape, read more, manage money better, blah blah blah. Sure, those are all good ones; they never go out of style, but I want to dig deeper.
On a recent late night drunken talk with a group of my best friends, we got into it – the real stuff . . . Life. It was during this hardcore discussion that a question arose that has been rolling around my head ever since. We passed that question around the room.
What do you want?
What do I want?
Sounds easy, right.
Not really.
Sure, go with the easy, obvious answer, but then you’re not getting to the heart of the matter, and you’re cheating yourself in a very valuable exercise.
It took a lot of thought, but after some reflection on the last year, the answer is simple, and yet, it’s gonna be really hard.
I want a new attitude.
I looked through all of the books that I read over the last year most of which dealt with dating, personal growth, and body language. I finished up with Wing Girl Kim’s “Alpha Dog, Get the Bitch You Want” which I will tell you, is really helpful. The reading I have done combined with some other personal experiences led me to one conclusion.
In the end, the only person I really have to please, is me.
I spent so much time contemplating, calculating, trying to figure out what others want from me, that I passed on what I wanted. This wasn’t always a conscious decision, but in retrospect many times I did things based on what I thought would make me more palatable to more people; I wanted to be liked. This isn’t to say I was fake, but I think I was timid for fear that no one would want to follow where I was leading. I was afraid of being alone, being abandoned. That timidity caused me to be very well liked, but not respected, and certainly not boyfriend material.
As a result, I found that I was disappointed, in myself, in my results, in my relationships, in my dating, even in my work, but I was too afraid to take the reigns for fear of failure. This made me, more disappointed and more timid.
It was a sad cycle that had to end.
After I bought my new place, I noticed this new found feeling of independence. All of a sudden, I could see the person I wanted to be starting to emerge. I feel less afraid to go out and try things, and more willing to strike out on my own – captain my own ship.
This is what I think an alpha dog does. Sure they lead a pack, but they only lead because they have the conviction and the internal desire to go their own way. They steer their own ship, and take it wherever they want. Alpha Dogs don’t really worry whether everyone or anyone else follows. They go in the direction they want. Alphas are always in control, and they’re not terribly concerned with what others think. It’s not that alphas are insensitive – they have no intention of hurting anyone, but they only do what they want.
My New Year’s resolution is to steer my own ship, go my own way, and spend a lot less time worrying about whether anyone follows. It’s going to require a lot of internal monitoring, and a lot more work, but I think the results are already beginning to show.
As I sit in this coffee shop, cars whiz by, conversations percolate, and a dog happily chews on his bone while Elliot Smith, M. Ward and The Eels play on the stereo. I am struck by how everything quietly, pleasantly buzzes here in the city. The buzz of the city feels like possibility much like it did when I would venture into downtown Baltimore as a child. I’m on my own here in this coffee shop, doing what I want to be doing, and it feels nice. It feels comfortable, like a captain’s chair. I may not know exactly where I’m going, but from now on I’m steering my ship.
Happy New Year, everyone. 2010 is going to be the best year ever.
Cheers,
Cityboy
The dream
I was in a large, bright apartment for a party. The floor was a light bamboo and the furniture was all white. A feeling of spirituality resonated throughout. As I moved through the party I came to notice her, my ex. In that moment, everyone else at the party disappeared and it was just her and me. She looked just how I remembered her: casual, classy, and cute. She held a wine glass delicately in her hand as she turned to address me.
“It’s time for you to move on,” she said in her typical calm, matter-of-fact manner that I used to find so comforting.
“I know,” I replied quietly, holding back the tears, “it’s just so hard.”
Then, the scene shifted and I got the distinct impression that she was having trouble in life. I tried to get her to talk to me, but she wouldn’t. This was no longer the girl I knew, and I was concerned.
A man appeared, a man of clear and present authority. I asked him what we could do to fix things for her. He swept us into a side room and closed the doors. A moment later, she had disappeared and I was there by myself, awaiting the guidance and decision of the authoritative man. His voice then boomed: “I choose him for her.”
An old man appeared in front of me. He seemed quite caring and I got the distinct impression that he would become a young man and be sent to take care of her. I was disappointed, as part of me wanted it to be me. The old man began to fade backwards into the wall, being sent to her right before my eyes. I reached out with both arms and pulled him back.
“Promise me you’ll take care of her,” I pleaded.
“Don’t worry,” he said with a kind smile, “I will.”
I let go of him and he faded back into the wall, on his way to be with her.
At that moment, I woke up and, overwhelmed by the dream, cried one of the most powerful cries I have ever had. The dream was so vivid and emotionally charged. We had broken up five years ago and hadn’t spoken in two and a half. But she was never really out of my mind or out of my heart. I took this dream at its face value, that it was time to let her go and allow another man to take care of her.
The dream turned out to be more prophetic than I could have imagined. Just yesterday, I accidentally discovered that she got married earlier this year. She got the exact wedding I knew she wanted. It took place back where she grew up, the place that she loved, and it took place several months ago…around the time I had the dream.
‘Tis the Season . . .
Two weeks ago, on a Wednesday night, I could not get a drink because all the local bars had an hour wait to get in. This scene was more reticent of New York’s Meat Packing District than downtown suburbia. Then I remembered that it was Thanksgiving weekend and many people were coming home for the holidays. People were out and reconnecting with childhood friends. Inevitably, updates were being passed along as to who got married, divorced, or pregnant. I’m very secure with my relationship status but I started to feel a demand to examine it, however, no one was challenging it. So why was I feeling burdened?
Then it dawned on me. What I was feeling was an added subconscious pressure from “holidating“. Holidating starts from Thanksgiving and lasts through Valentine’s Day. This is a 2½-month period, which consists of four holidays that heightens the pressure to clarify the status of one’s relationship status.
Thanksgiving
At the beginning of holidating is Thanksgiving. Newly formed relationships are confronted with the dilemma of how to spend the holiday. On one hand, it may be too soon to introduce one’s significant other to the family. On the other hand, they may feel hurt if they are not invited. Therefore, there may be premature pressure to evaluate one’s partner. As for individuals who are single, they may be interrogated with relationship questions from nosy relatives.
Christmas
Christmas brings up similar challenges as Thanksgiving along with the extra pressure of gift giving. Depending on the relationship, it may be too soon to exchange gifts. If not, then there is the question of how much to spend on a present. Furthermore, being around family, an individual subconsciously compares their relationship with that of their parents and relatives. Single individuals may evaluate their dates more in depth by weighing how the person would potential fit within the family. Thanksgiving and Christmas bring the issue of family to the forefront of a person’s mind.
New Years Eve
Right around the corner from Christmas is New Years Eve. Dating can be tricky during this time of year because of the idea about ringing in the New Year with someone special. It may be premature to determine if this person should accompany you during this iconic countdown. On the other hand, there is the fear of feeling lonely and surrounded by kissing couples as the New Year begins. Once the new year has started and resolutions are made, we reflect on what is important and how we envision the upcoming year. Therefore, we may want to shed a sub par relationship or want to take our current relationship to the next step.
Valentine’s Day
The pressure of being with someone romantically significant on February 14th causes a lot of anxiety. Single individuals are assessing on who to date or whether to start dating before Cupid’s Day. Some singles prefer to avoid the day all together or to band with other friends who are single and honor singlehood. For couples, it is a also chance to assess their feelings for each other that may put some extra pressure on the relationship.
Has anyone else notice the effects of the holidays on their dating behavior or is it just me?
Listen, Feel it, Own it.
I know it’s not going to work, and in my head, I’m already over her.
My heart, on the other hand takes a little longer. I need to stop getting that little adrenaline push when she walks into the room. The twinge of pain I feel when I see her with someone else is almost gone, but I’m gonna need another week or two at the most. Then, I’ll be completely over it altogether.
Women have impeccable timing. She showed up at an informal gathering.
She seems fine with everything.
I am not.
I try; I pretend to be cool. I talk to other friends, and I’m sitting at a table with three or four other women, laughing, joking, and telling stories. To any other guy in the joint, I look like a little bit like a stud, but I’m distracted. I want to talk to her; I want to be with her, even though I know it’s over. My brain knows better, but my heart doesn’t really care. It wants what it wants, and I want it to stop.
My friends know something’s wrong. They can tell. I’m looking around the room, but they don’t know at what, or at whom. They ask, but I dare not say. It’s embarrassing; after all, I’m the cool, laid back, kind of guy, right?
Wrong.
I’m nowhere near that guy. . .
Why?
I decided I need to figure out why I seem to fall for the wrong girl, then have such a hard time getting over her. After weeks of reflection, thought, and many, many late night drinks with friends, I think I have broken it down.
For starters . . .
I spent an inordinate amount of time wondering what she’s thinking, feeling, and what she wants me to do, or not do. Sure, it’s about her. I want to please her, and I want her to like me, but I never really focused on what I was feeling or thinking.
My goal had always been, “get the girl,” not get, “the right girl” or the “compatible girl.”
Just “get the girl.”
As a consequence, I ignored some pretty big red flags. These clues might have helped me maintain a safe distance in the first place.
I have always been able to listen carefully, but I never stopped to think about how what she says affects me. When She told me she still, “had dreams about her ex-boyfriend.” I ignored it. I chalked it up to honesty. I told myself she was just letting me know where she stood, emotionally, and that’s exactly what she was doing, but I never stopped to think about what it meant and how it made me feel. When I did finally tune in, it was awful. It told me she wasn’t over her ex. It was dissapointing. If I had tuned in, I would have steered clear after our first date.
Yep, she said that on our first date. I need to tune into how what she says makes me feel in the future.
Ok now. Why does it take me so long to get over even the shortest relationship?
Whenever I see her now. I try to play coy. I pretend like I didn’t even notice her presence until she’s been in the room for a long while. I pretend like nothing bothers me, and I am impervious to my own emotions.
Well that hasn’t been working.
Maybe rather than fight the feeling, I should own it. I should admit to someone what is really going on, maybe even tell Her. The thought of owning what I’m feeling rather than running away from it makes me feel more comfortable.
Sure it’s embarrassing at first, after all, men aren’t supposed to show emotion, but if I can’t tell my closest friends what I’m feeling, then maybe, I don’t have any close friends.
Fortunately, I do have close friends, and while it’s still embarrassing, I am quickly over that, and I feel better walking around in my own shoes.
When I get the center of what I want and what I’m feeling, I know I’ll be more at ease.
That’s the goal, anyway.
After all is said and done, one thing keeps me going. It is the knowledge that all the soul-searching, thought, awkward and sometimes painful circumstances is going to eventually lead me to the right girl, and when she makes herself known, I’ll be ready for her.
7 Ways You Should Ask Someone Out On A Date Before You Get Married Or Die
If you’ve found that dream girl or guy you’d like to ask out but are too afraid to ask face to face, normally you would go for texting or maybe even emailing them. I am now going to list 7 ways you can ask your date you may or may not have tried before, but you definitely should try them… just for the experience. Embracing new internet trends and technologies, and exploiting their easy of contact, we’re giving you ways of levelling the playing field and making it easier (or funnier at least) to get dates!
1. facebook your date
If you’re a member on Facebook you can ask your target via here. A good way to do it would be to either post a message to them. You can do this privately, or post it on their “wall”. A simple “fancy going out for a drink?” should do the trick. If they ignore it you know the answer.
You could also speak to them on chat. Just a simple hello, how you doing conversation should get it going, then pop the question, in the safety of your own home hiding behind your computer screen
One very controversial thing you could do is actually start a group, called “Join this group if you think {your dates name} should go out on a date with me” – you don’t even have to to tell him or her about it or invite him or her to the group, once it gains some momentum he or she will hear about it, and get in contact with you… and at this stage I can’t tell you whether they’ll be pleased or angry. It’s all good fun at least?
2. Hit them up on MSN messenger LMAO
Ahh.. the old classic. Instant messenger. If you have their instant messenger id you can add them and start a conversation with them, and tell them you should go on a date together. If they don’t reply you can always use msn messengers built in “nudge” feature, which can get rather annoying, but he or she won’t be that annoyed with you… will they?
For those of you that want to mix it up a bit you can use certain animations. A lot of the messengers have them built in and are very similar to one another, but the idea is you send an animation, like a bit of a greeting card, to portray a certain message. I’m sure you can be creative and find a few heart and love ones to woo your dream date.
3 skype ‘em
It’s not the same as calling them right? No… that would be too scary. This is an internet phone… Skype…it’s all cool. Get their id and give them a ring. Don’t worry it’s nothing serious, you;re not really calling them… it’s an internet phone remember?
So ring with full confidence, and close the deal of a date with your dream partner
4 ask someone through a dating site
You can always message them through a dating website. That’s if they’re on there… If not, why not ask them to join. There’s loads of dating sites. Recommend it to them, with little or no hint of the intention you have to message them through the dating site.
Fashion your profile, put up your best pictures, and message her as if you’ve never spoke to him or her before If you haven’t ever actually spoken to him or her this will be easy.
5 Tweet Your @dreamdate
Twitter, one of the newer cousins of the whole “social networking revolution”, may be your answer to getting in their with that dream date of yours. Twitter is basically where you follow people and people follow you… and you tell them all about what you are doing or thinking.
You can send “tweets” direct to people on twitter, so my advice is, “tweet” your dream date. You have to put a little @ sign and then their username, then your message. Simple… so for example:
@dreamdate So You Fancy A Drink Sometime?
There you go now you’ve officially tweeted a date. Twitter.com
6 build a website
Now come on, how many people do you know have their own website built especially for them? I don’t know any. Now if someone made you a website all for you, specifically about them going on a date with you, well… you would wouldn’t you?
This is what you’re going to do. You need to go get a free website at blogger or wordpress, and choose the name of the site to be something simple like their name.
Now, without being freaky (not sure how this can’t be freaky) source a load of pictures from them and make a bit of an online shrine, pleading for a date with them. Include ideas for the date, and maybe a little contact form so she can get in touch when she see’s the site and she’s oh so happy with it! It might just work… it might just work.
7 shoot a video and post it on youtube
We’ve all seen those embarassing videos online. Why not shoot your own? Get a flip camera, and shoot a video telling all the reasons why you should both go on a date. Send the video via a link to his or her facebook. I’m sure thy’ll be flattered and not freaked out at all!
When Chemistry Isn’t Enough . . .
I have been seeing this woman for a month. Just last night, after what should have been a really romantic dinner, it became abundantly clear . . . She’s not for me.
The thing is, I adore her. She’s strong, beautiful on the inside and out, and honest. She’s true to herself and others. What could be wrong with that, right?
Everything else.
If there is a more polar opposite couple, please make them known to me now. I would love to hear about them.
She can be a little cold and distant; I’m warm and inviting. She’s conservative; I’m liberal. She works with numbers, and the thought of writing even a simple letter sends her into an anxiety attack. I make a living by writing and can barely balance a checkbook. Her family holds everything in; my family wears their hearts on their sleeve. She takes a while to warm up to people; I makes friends instantly. She likes silence; Music is a part of my soul. She attends church; I am agnostic.
There’s more, but I think I’ve made my point.
How can we be attracted to one another? I don’t know . . . I can only say this one little word . . . Chemistry.
When I get around her, my anxiety melts away, and I can stare into her eyes for hours without effort.
Whenever I mention all of this to friends, they say the same thing.
“Well, you know, sometimes opposites attract.”
Sure, it seems possible, but in my case, is it really?
I also wonder if I didn’t fall for the woman I hoped she would be and not the woman that she is.
I guess it doesn’t really matter because, ultimately I fell for her a little. Now I must walk the long road back from attraction to something different, and I need to make that trip rather quickly.
The waiting game
I find myself in this same situation so frequently that it drives me slightly crazy. I meet a girl and things seemingly go great during that initial conversation. I get her number and leave with a good feeling. Then I give her a call and she doesn’t pick up, so I leave a phone message. And then I wait.
In the hours following the message, I start to wonder. Will she actually call back? Perhaps I misread the situation…no, couldn’t be. She said I should definitely call her. And she said that she’d love to get together. That must mean she was actually interested. But then, why hasn’t she called back yet? Okay, I know it’s only been thirty minutes, but still.
I try to occupy myself for the next few hours. I wonder what’s going on with my Facebook friends. I wonder why she hasn’t called yet. Distraction clearly doesn’t work. I see her eyes when we parted ways, and I want to see them again. Did I remember to leave my number? Dammit, I hope I did. I know I can’t call again this soon without seeming desperate or needy. Except, apparently, that’s exactly what I am.
I flip open my phone. I do sometimes miss calls due to connection issues, I should just make sure that I didn’t miss hers. Nope. Nothing.
Was that actually her number? Well, that was her voice on the message, so I’m going to say yes. Is she screening her calls, not picking up because it was my number? Argh.
Five hours later, I’m still wondering. It’s 11pm, so chances are that she’s not calling back tonight. Though I did tell her I’d be up late…no, probably not. So I’ll go to bed trying to forget this knot in my stomach and repeat this pattern tomorrow.
Maybe she’ll call back then.
Get responses online
Meeting people online has its issues, but they are not impossible to deal with. You need tactics, as if you were an online pickup artist.
I met my boyfriend, Jason, on plentyoffish.com. I swore to myself it would be the last dating site I would ever join. Since I was still working on my book, and writing about personality types based on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), I decided to test myself. I wanted to see if I could find my perfect personality match through a person’s online profile.
Of course, I had to know about personality matching. I had read Dr. Alex Avila’s LoveTypes book. I learned my type, ENTP, aka “The Innovator,” is romantically compatible with ENTJ, aka “The General.”
It’s difficult to order a book, read it, and put it into practice in a matter of a few days. So, I’ll try to give a bared down tip…
- Think about 3 things about your mind/life that are distinct to you compared to other people you know. For example, for me: 1. I dislike set schedules; 2. I love to be silly; 3. I’m very analytical and have to think to know my feelings.
- Next, go to the dating site, and as you peruse people’s profiles, look for things that jump out at you that you think or know would work with you. For example, I know for myself it has always helped me to have someone in my life who was better at living by a schedule than me; so, in that sense I look for my opposite. Plus, since I’m analytical, smart people interest me. Funny, ’cause the initial impression of Jason’s photo was, “This guy is arrogant!” Sure enough, he’s arrogant because he’s smart–and I like him that way.
- When you find something distinct about the person you can relate to, write a message that caters to that distinction without getting too personal. For me, I realized that Jason likes to debate. So, in my first message, I challenged him on his profile’s headline.
Note: The more attention you pay to details, the more a person senses genuineness. For example, if a girl writes something like, “I love to go out for good food…” Don’t just write, “What kind of food?” Dig deeper. Assume “good food” is the difference between dining on the Baja peninsula and Taco Bell. Instead you could say something like, “Have you been to the Bistro on Main Street?” or whatever; you get the point, I hope.
In the meantime, check out Avila’s LoveTypes book. For a generalization on what that’s about, you can also read Parts IV and V in my AlphaDog book, also available on Kindle.
Good luck!
Post on your Facebook page
This post was inspired by @YouWishYouWere on Twitter.
Where to find a good wingwoman
Finding a wingwoman who will help you meet attractive women is like finding a model with enough intelligence to, say, host a T.V. show. Well, Anna Nicole Smith (R.I.P.) hosted her own show, sort of. It’s difficult and easy depending on a lot of factors. The good thing is that you can find someone to be your wing just about anywhere. No matter where you seek, here are some criteria of a good wingwoman:
1. She must be extroverted. If you’ve read my book, you know there’s a difference between having an Extroverted personality type and being outgoing. A good wingwoman might not have an Extroverted personality type, which means she naturally prefers being around people to doing things at home. But if she’s an outgoing Introverted type, she might lose steam as midnight approaches. In that case, some incentives, say, a few Jacksons, might motivate her enough to hang tight with you for that girl you want to meet.
Natural Extroverted personality types get energy from being around people. An incentive like some free food is enough to convince her to hang out with you.
2. She must have social grace. To find this out quickly, talk about a sensitive topic with her, like how women deal with PMS. A seriously defensive girl might be difficult to work with, but a girl who makes light of a “sensitive” subject will be fun. (I don’t think PMS is that sensitive myself, but a lot of women feel strongly about it. Abortion is another topic to test sensitivity.) A girl who makes light of things shouldn’t take winging too seriously, and will be able to make the male-female connection possible with her sense of humor.
3. She must have the ability to charm AND understand guys. A woman who charms a man doesn’t necessarily get along with other women. But a woman who understands what makes a man tick will know how to get on women’s good side. Women want to know about men as much as men want to know about women. So, a wingwoman who can talk frankly about men to other women will win a woman’s approval.
The danger in getting a woman who doesn’t understand why sports are so engaging, for example, will get caught up in girl talk. But a woman who can reason with another woman why a man should be given a chance–she’s platinum.
A good wingwoman doesn’t have to be as attractive as the woman you want to meet. In fact, it might be easier to meet her, since the target woman won’t feel as threatened by her as with a beautiful wing. Though, if your wing is really good with charm, she can do anything, even if she’s drop-dead gorgeous. Likewise, if a woman is plain-looking, she might have the charm that can tame lions.
If you want someone really good, paying a wingwoman with experience something like, say, $30 bucks an hour to start (if you’re in NYC) is reasonable. (I would think San Fran is similar due to rent prices there. LA could probably go to $25.)
Of course, there are other things to consider when seeking a good wingwoman. It really depends on what you’re comfortable with. If you’re a dive bar rat with no charm yourself, and you’re seeking swanky women, even an expert wing can’t help you hook up. A good wingwoman will tell you like it is. If you need to practice speaking naturally around women, there is little a wing can do to help you get where you want to go. She can help you get practice being around women, but don’t expect miracles. But if you’re confident enough, a wingwoman with the above criteria can make your evening a blast.
Thanks to Peter of Gotham Jiujitsu for inspiring this article.
