What’s Considered Cheating?

This blog is not short on posts about cheating. We all say its wrong and we all know that it can erode a relationship faster than anything else.  But what actually comprises cheating?

Now I know some of you are shocked that I can even ask this question - sleep with someone else and it’s over. I am certainly not trying to challenge that - I agree with that completely - relationships mean you only have access to one penis and one vagina.

But what about the rest?  Is kissing cheating? Are caresses cheating?  What about emotional connections with others?  And flirting? When is flirting okay?

Here are some scenarios:

1. The Drunk Kiss:  You’re at a party, 9 drinks in and everything is warm, fuzzy and blurry.  You are incoherent, but you grow some serious balls and start flirting with the hot chick in the pink dress.  She is even drunker than you.  She kisses you.  You kiss her back.  Now what?
2. The 5 hour phone calls: There’s this girl you think is cute.  You like talking with her and flirting with her.  You think she’s smart.  She laughs at your jokes.  You talk to her for hours at a time.  You’re attracted to her.  But you have a girlfriend.
3. Ms. out of your league: She’s a stripper and you are out with your friends one night.  She seems interested in you and its not because you are putting money in her panties.  You decide to take her phone number and call her - who knows - maybe you guys can be friends.
4. Sex chat rooms:  You’ve been chatting with this cute girl in the Yahoo Rumpshaker chat room.  It started off innocently, but now has moved on to conversations around favorite sexual positions and secret fantasies.
5. Dirty Dancing: You’re out at a club and dancing with some girl.  You decide to trade in your mr. roboto moves for some Patrick Swayze style moves with some random girl.  Hand on ass, bumping and lots of grinding.

At first, these seem like no brainers - you’ve got your hand or mind on someone else - cheating.  But how did you get there?  Chances are, none of these started off with the intent to cheat - they were probably just innocent occurrences that somehow escalarted  to cheating.

Some people say that any type of emotional connection means that there is cheating - but 4 out of 5 of the scenarios above have no mental connection.  Yet most women would consider them cheating.  And if a woman had a choice between her husband/boyfriend being in a sex chat room or having long lunches with the cute girl at work, chances are most women would choose the lunch date - or would they?

What’s considered cheating?

spooning

It kills me that I had to upgrade.

I went from BOSE to SHURE.  Had to ditch the top-of-the-line noise cancellation headphones for the “industry strength” noice-isolation gear.  The fact that I even know the difference tells you just how serious I am — about sleep.

See, it wasn’t so bad when the snoring was intermittent.  Even so, the run-of-the-mill ear plugs were no match for the horrendous bulldozer type sounds emitting from the body just inches away from mine.

I’m a light sleeper.  It’s tough enough when you’re trying to find the easiest position to fall asleep in.  His arm around your waist, lightly resting across your hip.  The rise and fall your breathing falling in sync with one another.  He’s got his side, and you’re comfortably situated on the left.  Right?

SO wrong.  Not even close.

It’s terrible when you can even “HEAR” the vibrations of his snoring through your sleep.  I tried EVERYTHING.  Rolled him over.  Felt guilty about it for two seconds before I tried smothering him with the extra pillow.  NOTHING worked.

I would squeeze myself against the wall — to sneak away from his sleep snarling.  Yes.  This is WITH the noise-cancellation headphones plugged into my iPod pumping out Ne-Yo full blast.  Next thing I know, I’m his human teddy bear.  I’m being dragged across the bed like a rag doll and my chest is now flattened by his left arm crushing me against him.  Adam Merrin is now crooning that “It’s Still Allright” and I beg to differ — it is NOT all right.  NOT AT ALL.  For GOD’s sake!!!  We were sleeping on a memory foam mattress.  Rolling aftershocks.  I kid you not.

This is no longer spooning.  It’s being held hostage for the next six hours.  The death grip is worse when you’re in bed with someone who’s dreaming about KOing his opponent as a Nacho Libre type fighter.

So what do I do?  I resort to waking his ass up just to “fool around.”  This only comes with complaints the next morning that my libido knows no end.  That he’s enjoys my friskiness, but needs his shut-eye in order to make the multitude of early A.M. business calls.  I just shrug, roll over as he gets dressed and try to catch one full hour of blessed, blissful, uninterrupted sleep before heading out the door myself.

Might as well make the best of it.  Right?

The Singles Blues

I try to live life in vivid color, but my palette is missing red: “make your heart jump” red, “excited to see you” red, “huge smile across the room” red.   The colors I live life in are blue (serenity, cool, calm) and yellow (happiness, joy, laughter).  Nice colors.  But without red, the portrait lacks true warmth.  I’m not just singing the Singles Blues, I’m living in that color most of the time.

I hang out with couples where you can tell there is genuine love, a lifelong commitment, raw honesty, and a unique emotional bond.  I bask in the warmth of red their relationship radiates, and for a while, being the third wheel is enjoyable, and I feel hope and optimism…right until I walk into my empty apartment right across from the ocean.  The moonlight reflects off the water in an impossibly romantic scene, and my heart aches for someone to share it with.  I sigh, get ready for bed, and tell myself: someday.  I feel blue.

I worry my heart is dying a slow death from lack of expression - because here’s no one to express the love I have to give, I fear it’s killing the best part of me.  The inability to express my love toward someone else didn’t just create a void - over time, like a sick cosmic joke, the void has collapsed on itself creating a black hole that just sucks the joy right out of my soul.  Ok, ok, so I’m being a tad melodramatic.  I’m actually very happy most days, and there are certainly benefits to being single.  Still…you get my point.

This thing these couples have - that unsaid, but powerful bond - I haven’t felt it for anyone in a long, long time.  My dates are mostly entertaining news stories to tell my married friends.  My relationships in the past few years have been - at best - mediocre.  I don’t crave companionship (I am blessed with fabulous friends, both men and women).  I crave love.  Romantic love.  Passionate love.  Intimate love.

I thought I’d miss passion the most.  I don’t.  I miss the moments of emotional love - you know, when your partner reaches their hand out to you to touch your face, saying nothing, all emotional content conveyed in that one gesture?   When you had a crappy day and the mere appearance of them at your door erases the stress instantly?  Someone to just hold you - not like a friend hug - I mean, really hold you, whispering in your ear that you are loved, and will always be loved?

When I think about these moments, I realize that I don’t miss receiving this kind of love it half as much as I miss giving it.

Any advice for jump-starting the “expressing love”?  Do you do special things for friends and family?  Volunteer work?  Or, do you think this is a self-love issue?  How do I paint some red into these Singles Blues?

What’s Your Definition of Love?

It’s taken me years to learn that this is a question two people dating need to ask each other.  It’s taken me even longer to figure out my own answer. Based on my dating experience, I can probably tell you what it is not - it is not great sex, it is not passionate kisses and giddy phone calls, it is not butterflies in your stomach, it is not innocent and it is not painful. But I - like most people - struggle to articulate what it really is.  What is my definition of love?

In my quest for an answer, I’ve been gathering bits of articles and snippets of novels, methodically entering them in my journal trying to piece together an answer. Here’s the snippet that comes closest to my definition:

Together they had overcome the daily incomprehension, the instantaneous hatred, the reciprocal nastiness, and fabulous flashes of glory in the conjugal conspiracy. It was time when they both loved each other best, without hurry or excess, when both were most conscious of and grateful for their incredible victories over adversity. Life would still present them with other moral trials, of course, but that no longer mattered: they were on the other shore. - Love in the Time of Cholera (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)

In my 20s, I idealized love - it was the stuff they made movies of. Marriage was this bliss that resulted from a whirlwind meeting, a dreamy courtship and a recognition of your soulmate.  In my 30s, I know better.  After exiting a very long relationship - my starter marriage, if you will - I realize that love is not the grand overatures you see in movies.  The love that lasts is the love that has strong roots planted in a bed of commonality.  Now I know this doesn’t sound terribly romantic to most, but hear me out.

Life happens.  Whether you’re married or not, life happens.  And you have to get  through life.  You have to be able to deal with the things that life throws your way.  In a marriage, you have to deal with those things together.  If there are few common viewpoints, sparse shared opinions and infrequent agreements, then how can you possibly tackle life together?

When I think about the person I want to be with for the rest of my life, I think of a partner in crime.  The Robin to my Batman, the Bonnie to My Clyde, the Bert to my Ernie - you get the picture.  As you can see, these are not romantic duos - they are strong partnerships that together have super power like success.

I’ll know I am in love when I meet that person with who life seems almost easy.  It won’t feel like butterflies in my stomach, but it will be my secret super power.

Cheating is a Cop Out

Remember what we used to do kids who cheated on the playground?  We kicked their ass, and they were relegated to play by themselves for months.  You know why?  Because cheating is selfish, and as a tribal species, we know at the primal level, selfish is dangerous.  That’s why we set up rules.  Imagine if football had no rules - people would get hurt pretty fast, huh?  We scream at the TV if the other team violates the rules and the referee doesn’t call it out - why?  Because if the rules don’t apply equally to both parties, then the game isn’t legit.

Cheating means a lot of things, but it’s mostly just a cop out.  It says, hey, I don’t have the guts to actually address a situation where I’m unfulfilled, insecure, or just plain bored.  I’m not going to discuss it with my partner, work on my own issues, or end a relationship that isn’t quite right - instead, I’m going to shop for something better, get short term satisfaction, and generally just play by my own rules - I don’t care if I waste people’s time.

With cheating in relationships, we tend to turn a blind eye.  Well, my eyes are wide open, and I am sick of what I’m seeing.  So I recently did some old-fashioned ass-kicking with one of my most cherished friends.

This friend is a great guy.  I mean one-of-a-kind, almost too good to be true kind of guy.  I was crushed when he started down the road of cheating on his girlfriend.

He’s got a cute, smart, fun, and ridiculously sweet girlfriend of 4 months I’ll call Mary.  My friend does not feel that spark with Mary, and when he asked me for advice, I said simply: cut her loose.  Mary deserves someone to feel “that way” about her, and he deserves to feel that spark.  Instead - because let’s face it, people hate to be alone, especially is there isn’t a glaring reason to break up - he talked with Mary about his feelings (or lack thereof).   They decided they hadn’t given it enough time and decided to work it out.  Meanwhile, someone he used to date (Beth) was back on the scene, and having blown off my friend previously (apparently not ready for a relationship), this new girlfriend status was now perfect for her.  I’d imagine she justified re-engaging with him by saying to herself, hey, it’s his commitment, not mine.  Whatever, I can’t wait till your boyfriend does this to you.  And if it’s already happened to you, then you need a lobotomy.

So he hung out one night with Beth and a great evening turned into some smooching.   He and Beth knew that was a stupid move, and they decided to be platonic only on their next get together.  Next get-together?  Are you stupid?  Several “platonic” dates ensued.  I use platonic in quotes because emotional cheating, in my book, is even worse than physical cheating.  These are not two friends getting together, there’s romantic interest on both sides, and they’ve already crossed the line.  There is no doubt - none at all - that given just a little more time - they would cross it again, no matter what good intentions they had.  But that’s secondary.  What bugged me was that he was spending his time, energy and emotions on a relationship that is not the one he’s committed to.  His relationship with his girlfriend would fail not because of sex/kissing/etc. with “the other woman”, it would fail because he changed the rules, and the game is fixed.

Anyway.  I strongly advised him not to hang out with Beth.  Sure, he’s got a lot of platonic girlfriends, but entertaining someone he used to have a crush on?  Dangerous.  We’re all human.  Don’t hedge your bet, Mary deserves better than that.  Either focus on your relationship with her (as discussed and committed to), or hang out with Beth.  But don’t do both, it’s not fair, and it’s not playing by the rules.  But like so many today, he just wanted to try one thing without losing the other, and he convinced himself it was platonic, and therefore, not cheating.

Why did I care so much?  Well, Mary is in love with my friend big time and I refuse to smile in Mary’s face knowing he’s enjoying dates with Beth.  Let me remind everyone - when you cheat, you make everyone around you an accomplice as well.  It’s unfair, and not a choice we made.  I started to lose respect for my friend because he didn’t man-up and cut Mary loose so he could freely explore possibilities with Beth, and he also inadvertently put me in a very uncomfortable situation.

So I called bullshit on him.  He was defensive at first.  Then he was mad at me.  After some time, I pleaded, “tell me why you’re mad.  I know this is hard, but you’re a better man than this, and that’s exactly why I’m calling you out in it.”  After a very, very long silence, he said, “I’m mad…because…well, you’re right.  I really didn’t intend for anything more than friendship with Beth, but what hit home is that I’m focusing time and energy on Beth, when I should be focusing it on Mary.  You’re right, it isn’t fair to Mary, and she’s a great girl.”

Some of you may be saying - hey, it’s just dating so it’s not that big of a deal, right?  Wrong.  It’s a committed relationship, and either it’s a commitment, or it’s not.  We are in our 30’s now, there is absolutely no excuse for hedging your bet.  If you commit, then honor it.  If you don’t want to be tied down, then don’t make a commitment.  If you want to change the rules in the middle of the game, then let the other player know. If it’s not working, end it.  I’ve heard every excuse in the book for cheating, and in the end, it’s always a cop out.  Nothing “just happens”.  You set things in motion from the get-go.  So if you don’t have impulse control, don’t put yourself in sketchy situations.

Recently, at a dinner party, someone said “If it’s just boyfriend/girlfriend, it’s fair game, once you’re married, it’s different.”  WTF?  Are you kidding me?  What do you think prepares you for marriage, for a lifetime commitment?  Dating does.  If you can’t man-up when you date, then you’ll be in deep shit when you’re married.  It’s hard enough with everything else, cheating is a cop out, and cop out habits impact every element of marriage.  And folks, if you can’t respect other people’s commitments, then you don’t deserve one for yourself.

Temptations will always be there, the grass always seem greener on the other side, the list goes on.  If you plan on getting married, you better start practicing honoring your commitments now, ’cause it only gets tougher once the ring is one.  I know, I’ve been married.  Divorced him over cheating.  He had the audacity to believe that he could play by one set of rules, and I by another.  I honored my commitment and he took an easier path - he decided to cop out.  People assume I was upset about the other women.  I didn’t give a shit about them, they took sloppy seconds after all.  I was, however, devastated for a long, long time about the lack of respect.  I got duped, played a game that was fixed, and I can never get that time back.  I forgave him for the act of cheating a long time ago - but I have never, and will never, forgive him for robbing me of time.

If you have a relationship with someone, respect the investment and sacrifices they have made for you and 1) work it out with them 2) cut ‘em lose or 3) tell them the rules have changed so they can enjoy the same freedom you gave yourself.

Make no mistake, if you cheat, you’re simply being a selfish and you’re wasting someone’s valuable time.  For those of you who like to claim “shades of gray” with cheating - if you’re not telling your partner about it, you’re cheating and you know it.  People who “kind of cheat” should stay in casual dating territory.  The kiddie table is over in the corner with the other children who can’t control themselves and need to constantly be reminded that rules are there for a reason.

If you’re currently emotionally or physically cheating, give yourself a time-out, re-assess, and pick #1-3 above.  If you know someone who is cheating, and care about them, have the courage to guide them in the right direction.  We’re all human, we make mistakes, so treat them with kindness but make it clear you expect better from them as a person.  Just don’t turn a blind eye, too much of that going on in society today.  For most of us, love and commitment is the end game, and there are rules to that game.  Let’s all play fair.

Should I tell her how I feel?

Picture this: you’re going about your business one day when a stranger approaches you. He seems nice enough, average-looking at best, and smiles.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” he says, “but I just need to tell you how wonderful I think you are. You’re absolutely stunning and I love your style. Seriously, every day I see you, you look gorgeous. I’ve thought about it over and over again, what it would be like to be with you, what it would be like to have you smile at me with that beautiful smile. I just…want you to go to dinner with me. Well, not just that, I want to wake up next to you tomorrow morning, I want to shower you with gifts and ravage your body all night long. You just need to give me a chance to be the man you need in your life…and I can do it. Just give me a chance, won’t you?”

You’re taken completely aback. Who the hell is this guy? Has he been stalking you? The things he says are something you’d expect a long-standing lover to say, but you’ve never met him before.

You may be thinking that this guy is crazy, and you’re absolutely right. However, tons of guys make the exact same mistake each and every day. But Zack, you say, I know the girl I’m planning on saying this to. Let me fill you in on something: no you don’t. The very fact that you’re contemplating this line of approach is because you don’t know the girl, you’re not with her in the way you want, and you want to change that. You have this aching inside of you that’s screaming to be with her and you feel like the only way to quiet it is to let her know how you feel. And here’s my advice: don’t do it.

Whether it’s someone you just met or a girl you’ve been out with a handful of times, this type of revelation is destined to backfire. The intensity of your feelings are most likely not matched by hers. Read that again: your intense feelings are not mirrored right now. At some point in the future, they may be, but not right now. And letting her in on just how deeply you feel too early is sure to send her running. You run the risk of many scenarios unfolding: she may get scared of your intensity, she may feel bad that she doesn’t feel the same way. In any event, you’ll end up exactly where you don’t want to be. Without her.

I know it’s gut-wrenching to do, but keep your intense feelings under wraps. You can reveal them five-six months down the line, but for now, the best thing you can do is show her how you feel. This doesn’t mean to buy her a ton of stuff; it means being thoughtful about your interactions. If you know she enjoys an activity, arrange to do it. Be attentive but not overbearing and whenever you get anxious, remind yourself that patience brings more passion than recklessness.

Down the road, once you’ve been together for a while, you can reveal your feelings. You can even tell her that you’ve felt this way since you first met. With months of companionship behind you, she’ll find that endearing and inspiring (as opposed to scary and suffocating if you’ve only just met). Take your time, do it right, and enjoy the rewards.

TOP FIVE

Chandler: Well, we have a deal where we each get to pick five different celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one can’t get mad.
Ross: Ah, the heart of every healthy relationship: Honesty, respect, and sex with celebrities.
Monica: So, Chandler… who’s on your list?
Chandler: Uh, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and, ah, Jessica Rabbit.
Rachel: Now, you do realize that she’s a cartoon… and way out of your league?
Chandler: I know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head.

*********************************************************************************************************

You may or may not have divulged your top five, but we’ve all contemplated it.  IF you haven’t?  You should.  It’s rather telling of what you’re looking for in your future fuck buddy, FWB or (gasp!) soulmate.  At least it will delineate the more shallow and superficial side of what you’re gunning for.  And really, there’s NOTHING wrong with that.  At all.

There’s another LIST we should all keep while plowing through the dating circuit.  Recently, a buddy suggested that I create an actual document of what I want in a mate: to strategically place my intentions for who I am looking to connect-the-dots with in the near future.  So after weeding through over a hundred and eleven different “must haves” — I had to flick on my own reality switch and develop a much more user friendly version of this mental checklist.  I actually keep it handy at all times. It pops up whenever I catch myself looking at someone in a new angle or light.

I’ve decided to make my list gender-friendly.  There are some things both guys and gals should know, but you know what they say about assuming… right?  SO, here’s a few mandatory “items” on the list to shy away from when faced with the dating dilemma of choice.

1.  NEVER date a guys’ girl — unless you want to question if she’s one day going to end up with either your soon-to-be-former-best friend OR bastard-of-a-roommate.  Yes.  It has happened to quite a few clueless saps.  Now that you know?  You’re not allowed to be a dumbass.  Seriously — if you see the girl surrounded by guys ALL the time, you gotta wonder WHY she needs to be around guys ALL the time.  Does she need THAT much attention?  Really?  Ask HER — do you have ANY girl friends?  ANY CLOSE GIRL FRIENDS?  This is a critical question to research.  To find out.  Why?  Any girl worth her salt will spell it out to you: females who can’t hold a true friendship with another gal pal are T-R-O-U-B-L-E.  I’d take the time to do so — but that’s for another post.  You’re just going to have to trust me on this one.

Girls?  Same rule applies to guys who do NOT have good guy friends.  If they’re always consulting their female friends for advice… be wary.  BE VERY WARY.  Let’s just give you the simple scenario of your first spat with your lover.  You really want him running to his gal pals about why you’re such a bitch?  OR would you rather he tell his guy friends, who will tell him to STOP being a bitch and deal with you directly about it.  See?

2.  Does she have DADDY issues? This is HUGE.  Shy away from the ones that are constantly looking to fill their daddy’s shoes.  You will NEVER treat her as well.  Face it.  You lose.

Ladies?  I haven’t forgotten you.  The biggest RED FLAG to include on your list is one simple question:

3.  Does he ALWAYS have to check in with his mum? Oh my.  You are SCREWED.  She will never think of you as good enough.  You will always fall short.  Look up the true definition of SIN.  Yes… your name is now plastered next to it in HER eyes.  There you go.  Your life has officially ended the moment you’ve decided to take that juicy bite into the apple of her eye.

4.  Does she/he have a best friend of the opposite gender? My thing is simply — if he/she is their best friend, WHY do they need you?  I said it.  I believe it.  I’m also a hypocrite, because there are always exceptions to ALL these “rules.”  Argue with me, I quadruple dare you to.  You have to admit this rule makes you think, though, huh?  You’ve seen “My Best Friend’s Wedding” — and you saw how that turned out.  The sorta-kinda Disney-fied version “Made of Honor” doesn’t count.  Dempsey is HOT.  It’s a DUH decision.  Then there’s the die-hard folks who will bring up Harry Burns and Sally Albright.  For those of you who haven’t perused his latest entry — Mr. Ethical Slut will argue that the challenge to keep the friendship platonic is up for grabs for those who can stomach it in his attempt to DEBUNK “When Harry Met Sally.”

5.  DITCH the DRAMA.  This particular item on the list keeps me out of a LOT of trouble.  Seriously.  It’s when that crazy part of me starts wondering if I should finally find out what it would be like to kiss that guy from the third grade who tried to hold my hand at recess.  EVEN though he’s engaged.  This rule also kicks my ass back into gear when the much more carnal side of me is ready to hunt down a newly divorced guy that’s emotionally spent — and spend him in other ways that don’t involve investing feelings. Hmmmm… Remember, some rules are MEANT to be broken.

So, who’s your TOP FIVE?

Making a game of the goal

When you’re single, dating seems like a game with a single goal: to find a partner. And when you focus on that single goal, it seems rather daunting. What if you had some other goals to focus on instead? Here’s a few ideas for switching up your dating regime:

1. Create a “yes” time. A “yes” time is a time when you say yes to things that you would normally say no to; that’s your goal. Imagine someone inviting you out to do something you either don’t like or have no interest in. Instead of saying no to that opportunity, say yes and go. If you’re a girl, this may mean saying yes to a guy who you normally wouldn’t go out with. Pick out a specific amount of time (a month, two months, etc.) and designate it as a “yes” time. You’ll find that you’ll meet more people and maybe even find a few dates just be changing your default answer.
2. Introduce yourself. The goal here is to introduce yourself to a certain amount of people during a particular event. Introducing yourself means, “hi, I’m Zack, I just wanted to introduce myself.” Hell, go ahead and tell them that you’re trying to meet 10 people that night and let them know which number they are. You don’t have to have a conversation, just do the introduction and move along to the next person. You’ll find this is easier because an introduction takes less than 15 seconds and doesn’t include the stress of needing to come up with banter. No banter, no attempt to get a number = no stress. Just enjoy meeting some new people.
3. Recite Lines. We all have favorite lines we’ve heard either from other people, from movies, from plays, or any other number of sources. These aren’t just pickup lines; they’re part of your anecdotal encyclopedia (think, “are you feeling luck, punk?”). Try to work those lines into conversations you have with other people. The goal is to make the line make sense given the context of the conversation. As a side effect, you’ll learn how to move the conversation in a particular direction and then get a kick out of yourself for actually using a favorite line.

The bottom line here is that switching up your goal when trying to meet people can be a lot of fun. It takes a lot of the pressure off while giving you something tangible to focus on. Can you think of any other fun games to play?

Debunking “When Harry Met Sally . . . ”

Can men and women be platonic friends? Whenever I get into conversations on this topic, someone usually brings up the movie, When Harry Met Sally . . . (1998). This film is an icon for making a case that men and women cannot be platonic friends. The protagonist, Harry Burns argues,

men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

Harry may be right for his life but his theory is not universal. I, for one, am an example of someone who breaks the rule. Some of my closest friends are women and we have not gone down or even plan on going down the dating path. Some people are skeptical of my platonic friendships with women because of their subjective experience and perspective. It is understandable why they think they way they do, however, I would like to shed some light on why I disagree and show why When Harry Met Sally . . . is just a movie.

Does Sex Really Get in the Way of Friendship?

The biggest argument against platonic man/woman friendships is the possibility of sex. This reason presumes that we have not evolved beyond our primal instincts and that we have no control over our sexual impulses. It also supposes that men and women are only primarily interested in each other for sex. This reasoning is too simplistic and neglects that there are many other reasons why men and women befriend each other. Also, sex may be an issue but people have a higher level of discernment than that. Therefore, sex may be a factor but it is not mutually exclusive for relationships between men and women.

Rules of Attraction

In terms of attraction, people surround themselves by people with similar levels of attraction. The company you keep is like a mirror of your own self-image. There may be a few outliers (an ugly or hot friend) but most of your close friends are probably equally attractive. Therefore, it makes more sense to see friends be attracted to each other than not.

Importance of Communication

One of the most important factors in maintaining any relationship is communication. Most fights and arguments occur because one or both parties were not clear in conveying their wants and needs. People are not mind readers, however, we often think that people close to us should just “know”. Often we assume someone else’s intensions but we do so with little accuracy. Confronting a person about their intension can be awkward so many of us often settle for our misconceptions. However, if we are able to communicate our wants and needs more clearly and get confirmation from the receiver that they understood what we said, then many problems would be eliminated.

Boundaries

To make a good relationship work, it requires clear boundaries. By clarifying the basis of the relationship, it is easier to develop the relationship to its full potential. However, not being clear with where you stand can often blur the relationship. Having the Define The Relationship (DTR) talk may be uncomfortable but it is a necessary step in developing a close friend.

Usually when I hear why a platonic friendship did not work out, it was because one person crossed the line. Often this breach occurred because one party felt lonely, horny, or drunk. They may have also taken too much liberty in their friendship and did not respect the boundaries that were set up. Furthermore, a person can confuse intimacy with passion, which goes into my next point.

Difference Between Intimacy and Passion

According to Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love (1986), there are three components of love. These elements are commitment, intimacy, and passion. Depending on the existence and combination of these components, different types of love evolve. The following are the different forms of love:

• Nonlove = No Intimacy, No Passion, and No Commitment.
• Liking/friendship = Intimacy
• Infatuated love = Passion
• Empty love = Commitment
• Romantic love = Intimacy + Passion
• Companionate love = Intimacy + Commitment
• Fatuous love: Passion + Commitment
• Consummate love: Intimacy + Passion + Commitment

Therefore, intimacy and passion are separate components. Intimacy is closeness and sharing of private information. Passion is lust and desire. Close friends can be intimate without having the passionate feelings for one another.

Benefits

Here are some of the benefits of having a platonic friend of the opposite gender:

• Have someone to accompany you to +1 events (i.e. weddings and parties)
• Access to information and perspective from the opposite gender
• Opportunity to talk about different topics than you normally would
• Fulfill a need for male/female companionship
• Ability to participate in partner activities (i.e. ballroom dancing)

Having a close platonic friend will help a person learn more about themselves and how they interact with the opposite gender. By examining the relationship, a person can realize their capacity, habits, and blind spots. Ultimately, this will help a person become more sophisticated and grounded, therefore, more able to be in a healthy solid romantic relationship.

In Conclusion

Men and women can be platonic friends. There may be unique challenges because of gender differences and sex. However, a challenge is only a challenge and does not mean it is impossible or improbable. Therefore, be honest with yourself and be clear with your intentions. If you want to date someone, date them. If you only want to be friends then just be friends. If things change, communicate. Be truthful if you can be friends with someone you had a previous romantic interest in but they are not interested in you, and vice versa. The clearer you, the better able you are to nurture yourself and the relationship.

Nerds Make Better Lovers

You probably know this already, but it’s true! Tracey Lomrantz from The Daily News reports that nerds make better lovers.

[E. Jean Carroll, Elle magazine's love and sex advice columnist,] insists that a woman who is willing to stick it out with a nerd and get past his quirks will be handsomely rewarded. “Don’t give up on him too fast,” she said. “If you stick with him, he’s going to turn out to be really great.”

I guess this means I can now embrace my nerdiness and display it for all to be seen. I can wear my thick glasses with the tape in the middle, roll down my window and blast Weezer from my car, and hold pens and pencils in my shirt pocket. Woo hoo!

Girl:

Hey nerd-boy, is that a roll of quarters in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Boy:

This? Why, it’s my Boba Fett action figure!

Girl:

That’s so hot! Take me now, nerd-boy, take me!

Boy:

Wait, I can’t see! My glasses are fogging up!

Copyright © 2009 Dating Thoughts.

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