How to Love Women
This post is specifically for the guys. (Hey, I write for a men’s magazine.)
No matter where you are in your relationship with a woman, here are 4 things you can to do to make her feel éros.
- Listen to her
- Use touch
- Be gentle
- Speak with your body
Listen to her.
“I knew that,” you might think. But do you know how to listen to women? First, you have to turn off all your electronics, yes this includes the TV.
It’s pretty widely known that women – even the most logical thinking ones – need to talk about their feelings. Not always, but usually when their feelings get in the way of rationality.
Some women are really upfront about their feelings.
No matter how worked up she might be, do whatever it takes not to react. Because I guarantee that once a woman realizes that you are listening, she will calm down. A quiet response is always better than a loud reaction in these situations.
Some women are used to people reacting to them. They might say something like, “Why aren’t you reacting?” Your response could be, “Because I’m trying to understand exactly what you are trying to say.” Some women are über logical (like myself) and reason out loud trying to figure out their feelings. A logical type tends not to get hyper emotional, but she still needs you to listen.
This is how to listen:
- Don’t assume to know what she’s saying. Emotions are not easy to express with words. All those chemicals reacting in her brain need help with translation, and that’s where taking time to really understand will help.
- Use active listening skills.
- Try to understand. If you need clarification, a good way to start asking for it is with, “Do you feel like…?” Restating in your own words is also helpful.
- Pay attention to body language. The body says a lot more than words. Use your body language to show you’re listening by leaning closer or facing her.
- Give feedback, but not advice. Show you understand with eye contact, nodding, and “mm-hmms”. Good feedback reinforces what she says. Let her get the words out even if she sounds irrational. Then, if you must suggest something, ask if you can share it so she doesn’t get immediately defensive.
- Don’t make it about you. Even if a woman starts blaming you, she might be using you as a scapegoat for the real problem. And if it really is your fault, remember that nobody is perfect and eat some humble pie.
On a deeper level, what makes a good listener is agápe. (See Part 1.) Listening is an action, and it’s louder than words.
First, remember touch is not always related to sex. Second, you can’t just touch a woman without having her trust (unless you want slapped or a lawsuit.) Building that trust for some women takes time and energy. But be an excellent listener and you can build that trust quicker.
Once you have a woman’s trust, her body will be more receptive and that is good for both of you.
Don’t underestimate foreplay. Good foreplay turns women on. There are great books on the topic: the Kama Sutra, books by Lou Paget (my favorite), and another classic: The Joy of Sex. And by all means, flirt. Touch not only with your hands but with your leg under the dinner table or with your lips. Kissing is way of touching.
To be a real emotional support, use gentleness. You know women don’t want Mr. Fix It showing up when facing delicate issues. Put away the hard hat and be gentle.
Being gentle also applies to your touch. If you think foreplay doesn’t do anything, you probably aren’t gentle enough. Pay attention to her body language, if or when it tells you your touch is too hard. How do you hold an egg? [Your answer here.] Exactly.
Gentleness isn’t called for in every situation. Sometimes women need you to be dominant. Though you can still be gentle while dominant.
Speak with your body.
Did your mom ever hug you? How did it make you feel? Hug your woman. Hold her.
Your face also says and means a lot. If you look intently at her while thinking about how much you care, the care will show. Remember, if you are not thinking about how much you care for her that will also show.
When women feel love…
You know what happens when you and your girl love each other. You build intimacy. Then éros will take hold, and it will all be over for you.
Take an active listening assessment.
Another good article on active listening is at MindTools.com.