Tag Archives: foreplay

What is Love? Part 4 – How To Love Women

How to Love Women

This post is specifically for the guys. (Hey, I write for a men’s magazine.)

No matter where you are in your relationship with a woman, here are 4 things you can to do to make her feel éros.

  1. Listen to her
  2. Use touch
  3. Be gentle
  4. Speak with your body

Listen to her.

“I knew that,” you might think. But do you know how to listen to women? First, you have to turn off all your electronics, yes this includes the TV.

It’s pretty widely known that women – even the most logical thinking ones – need to talk about their feelings. Not always, but usually when their feelings get in the way of rationality.

Some women are really upfront about their feelings.

No matter how worked up she might be, do whatever it takes not to react. Because I guarantee that once a woman realizes that you are listening, she will calm down. A quiet response is always better than a loud reaction in these situations.

Some women are used to people reacting to them. They might say something like, “Why aren’t you reacting?” Your response could be, “Because I’m trying to understand exactly what you are trying to say.” Some women are über logical (like myself) and reason out loud trying to figure out their feelings. A logical type tends not to get hyper emotional, but she still needs you to listen.

This is how to listen:

  • Don’t assume to know what she’s saying. Emotions are not easy to express with words. All those chemicals reacting in her brain need help with translation, and that’s where taking time to really understand will help.
  • Use active listening skills.
    • Try to understand. If you need clarification, a good way to start asking for it is with, “Do you feel like…?” Restating in your own words is also helpful.
    • Pay attention to body language. The body says a lot more than words. Use your body language to show you’re listening by leaning closer or facing her.
    • Give feedback, but not advice. Show you understand with eye contact, nodding, and “mm-hmms”. Good feedback reinforces what she says. Let her get the words out even if she sounds irrational. Then, if you must suggest something, ask if you can share it so she doesn’t get immediately defensive.
  • Don’t make it about you. Even if a woman starts blaming you, she might be using you as a scapegoat for the real problem. And if it really is your fault, remember that nobody is perfect and eat some humble pie.

On a deeper level, what makes a good listener is agápe. (See Part 1.) Listening is an action, and it’s louder than words.

Use touch.

First, remember touch is not always related to sex. Second, you can’t just touch a woman without having her trust (unless you want slapped or a lawsuit.) Building that trust for some women takes time and energy. But be an excellent listener and you can build that trust quicker.

Once you have a woman’s trust, her body will be more receptive and that is good for both of you.

Don’t underestimate foreplay. Good foreplay turns women on. There are great books on the topic: the Kama Sutra, books by Lou Paget (my favorite), and another classic: The Joy of Sex. And by all means, flirt. Touch not only with your hands but with your leg under the dinner table or with your lips. Kissing is way of touching.

Be gentle.

To be a real emotional support, use gentleness. You know women don’t want Mr. Fix It showing up when facing delicate issues. Put away the hard hat and be gentle.

Being gentle also applies to your touch. If you think foreplay doesn’t do anything, you probably aren’t gentle enough. Pay attention to her body language, if or when it tells you your touch is too hard. How do you hold an egg? [Your answer here.] Exactly.

Gentleness isn’t called for in every situation. Sometimes women need you to be dominant. Though you can still be gentle while dominant.

Speak with your body.

Did your mom ever hug you? How did it make you feel? Hug your woman. Hold her.

Your face also says and means a lot. If you look intently at her while thinking about how much you care, the care will show. Remember, if you are not thinking about how much you care for her that will also show.

When women feel love…

You know what happens when you and your girl love each other. You build intimacy. Then éros will take hold, and it will all be over for you.

Take an active listening assessment.

Another good article on active listening is at MindTools.com.

How To Be a Great Kisser

I’ve kissed a lot of people. Lost count 20 years ago. No one has ever told me that I’m bad at it. Hence, following are some tips.

Your mouth is erogenous, a source point for sexual stimulation. To turn kissing into great foreplay, remember 3 things:

1. Slightly-parted soft lips

Your lips should start out completely relaxed. A kissy face (or duck lips) is not relaxed. Your lips have a sphincteral muscle, the orbicularis oris, used when puckering up. A pucker is fine when you’re giving a platonic peck or a gratuitous kiss on the cheek. But we’re talking about making out.

If you want to stimulate your lover’s pituitary gland, don’t pucker until your lips are touching his/hers.

Ever wonder how couples lock lips? This occurs when two people respond to each other’s touch through their lips. When they are comfortable with each other, their body language mirrors one another subconsciously. Watch two people in conversation and you’ll often see their body positions reflecting each other. Locked lips also mirror touch and puckering.

Try this: Brush his/her lips with yours while they’re completely relaxed. Relax your neck muscles so that you’re like a bobble head. Okay, the imagery isn’t romantic, but that’s the gist of the movement. Believe me, as long as your head doesn’t bobble as if hitting a bump in the road, your partner won’t be thinking bobble head unless of course he or she reads this article, too.

2. Relaxed tongue

Once you’re lips have locked, which can be a half-second quick, you can open your mouth more and use your tongue. Like your lips, your tongue should also start out relaxed. Your tongue should be able to reflect and respond to hers. Of course, you want her to also be responding to and reflecting you as well.

Don’t start using your tongue until after your lips have locked.

It’s so unromantic seeing a guy’s mouth when it looks like a bat coming in for a kill. Kissers want to feel your tongue, not see it.

Don’t poke his/her mouth with your tongue unless you’re playing. And don’t continually kiss with your entire tongue inside the other person’s mouth. That might be fun for a little bit, but kissing like that the whole time? Don’t rape his/her mouth.

Instead, use your tongue to feel the other person’s. If you don’t know what to do with it, move your tongue around his/hers as if you’re writing the first five letters of the alphabet. But make sure you’re not writing with the tip of your tongue. That will feel like poking. Go around your partner’s tongue is if his/her tongue is the center of each letter.

3. Reciprocation

The whole activity is about action and reaction. From pressing your lips against your partner’s to tongue play, you want to non-verbally create a connection.

Touch, respond, and reciprocate to connect. If your partner’s tongue is mushy, make yours mushy. If your tongue is so hard it can push buttons, the other person might retract. If he/she pulls back, you’re probably not being sensitive to touch and feel. Guys, think about how your want your balls touched rather than your staff. Girls, think of your breasts.

Don’t chomp like a stork. Enough said.

The whole point of reciprocating while kissing is giving back what you get. Of course, if you’re the initiator, hopefully your partner will do the same. But once it gets going, it should be constant receiving and giving.

In the middle of it all, sense his/her reaction and intensity. Then change it up. Get more intense, play with your tongue tip, or clean his/her teeth. Get creative and have fun.

Examples

When we were younger, we watched movies and TV shows to try to figure out how to kiss. Unfortunately, there really aren’t many good examples of great kissing. But there are some.

One example of a great kisser, if not of acting ability, is Keanu Reeves. Because of his kissing skill, you’ll see a lot of close-ups of him locking lips with his leading ladies. Unfortunately, not all of the actresses he kisses reciprocate well. Movies showing Reeve’s libido-inspired moves include The Matrix, Point Break, and A Walk In The Clouds.

Ingrid Bergman kissing Cary Grant in Notorious is also good to watch. The hotel room scene where she tries to seduce him with kisses is a great example of what to do with your lips when getting into a make-out session.

Hopefully, you won’t need to scour through movies to learn to kiss well. Mostly, remember to keep your mouth relaxed. If you feel like you’re tightening up, think of what it’s like to eat ice cream and suck away.