If only the woman you want to meet would give you a few minutes to get to know you. Then she would see that you’re worth her time. Confidence should be enough, right? Short answer: Hell, no. You might be a real confident ass. A lot of good that will do.
Then there’s charisma. You know that magnetic force that seems to inspire motivation (or envy) in the hearts of its beholders? Together with confidence, charisma can make an ass into a really annoying confident ass, or someone like Jim Jones.
But you’re not a confident ass (I hope), nor are you Jim Jones. You’re really just a decent guy who wants to find the woman of his dreams. For you, having confidence and charisma (C&C) is certainly a starting point. But where do you want to go with it?
Obviously, if you simply want to get laid, you can lure any woman naïve enough to fall for you using C&C. America might not be the economic land of opportunity it once was, but for sexual opportunity, it’s still mecca.
Though, the one-night stand is becoming passé as the world’s political climate forces people to think about what really matters. (Okay, not all people think this way. Though, followers eventually do what they do…[follow].) People see the value of long-term companionship and seek different ways to navigate the seas of singles. Women who are holding off for the right men are giving quintessential pickup artists the challenge of their careers.
In terms of the proverbial onion, confidence and charisma can certainly help buff your outer layer. It definitely doesn’t hurt to have it. But women really care about what’s beneath the shiny surface. So, if winning the woman of your dreams means having a relationship with her, C&C is certainly not enough.
Since what you guys want is different for each of you, I’ll break it down into two levels depending on how deep you want to go: the outer layer or into the inner layers.
The Outer Layer: Charm
Charisma is one of those character traits that is natural to only some, yet can be acquired by others with risky effort and practice. With it comes energy and boldness—and like a stream of electrons through a copper coil—produces magnetism and charm. Note that not all charismatic people are charming. Some people have great charisma yet are turn-offs. But with effective charisma, charm charms.
Jordan Harbinger, co-founder of The Art of Charm, can’t overstate charm’s importance:
“Charm is key when meeting anyone, because people, especially women, are programmed to look for the most social person—the leader—in any situation. Those of us that are charming have the charisma to rally people around us, even if we have virtually nothing in common with them. It’s this capacity to connect that gives those of us with charm the edge in attracting women.”
In addition to charisma, charm requires confidence and strong body position in order to lead women astray as they hope the experience will be as magical as the charm. (If you need help with the rest of the night, I recommend the advice and books of Lou Paget. Besides, she just rocks as a person.)
So, how do you get charm to work for you? You could be cocky and funny a la David DeAngelo, or use NLP (neuro-linguistic programing) like Mystery. There are countless resources available on charm and seduction techniques for that seedy, self-serving, and short-term desire to exercise your loins. These kinds of techniques can certainly help you get laid. Will she be the woman is of your dreams? Probably not. But that depends on your dreams.
The Inner Layers: Character
Now, if you really want to reach out for the woman of your dreams, think about why she’s in your dreams. Some reasons: 1. You’ve actually met her but you don’t know her well enough to realize she’s the one. (As far as looks go, sometimes it just takes a new haircut and makeup, maybe some exercise, for her to become a bombshell.) 2. You don’t show women what they want to see—depth of character—keeping them from wanting to get to know you better.
Though generally women are charmed by a man’s ability to make an indelible impression, smart women (the ones you really want) also look for clues that reveal that depth of character. “What you see is what you get” is the dumbest statement a guy can make to a smart, eligible bachelorette. “Wow, are you that shallow?” she might think.
Granted, confidence and charisma is great for presentation. But, honestly, it’s not imperative for a man to have it. Women really want to know what’s beneath the surface. This is accomplished without C&C inside situations such as study sessions during college or working together on the job. If you’re not fortunate of being “stuck” getting to know your potential partner, C&C could certainly help increase your chance to show your inner layers.
So, how do you show depth of character? First, you have to have it. If you’re the kind of guy that says one thing and does another, then integrity is lacking. This isn’t difficult to attain, nor does it hurt to attain it (except pride). It’s a matter of deciding to start being a man of your word and doing it. Integrity, related to honesty, is one of those character traits that can lead to a plethora of other positive character traits—like confidence, amiability, ambition, cooperation, etc.—that give you depth of character. It’s the trait that leads men to become powerful in business and sports. But if you want your dating life to be powerful, you must also have integrity for it, assuming that is what your dream woman also possesses.
Character is charming
By now I hope you can see why women like men who are confident. (A lot of women actually are turned off by charisma.) Naturally, the stronger your positive character traits are, the more likely you will attract women to you. In fact, Harbinger advocates a more self-actualized take on charm, one that stems from knowing one’s own strengths and weaknesses. His coaching services focus on exactly that, adding meaningful value to his pickup techniques.
Can you have charm without charisma? Absolutely. Just because you’re not a magnet doesn’t mean you can’t have charm. Charm will shine through character.
So, you can take the fast track to charm and risk falling into a pattern of short and unfulfilling relationships or you can allow women to see past your outer layer and really get the woman who will no longer be in your dreams.
Have a dating or relationship question? Ask Wing Girl Kim.