Tag Archives: MBTI

My Online Profile

Dating sites, except for Nerve.com, which is undergoing major changes, are not designed for edgy people. PerfectMatch, Match, eHarmony, and Chemistry are all about aspects of personality and character that only come out through romance. They don’t address the fundamentals of what it’s like to live together, except on a superficial level, such as how well a room is kept.

On one site, I got a lot of messages. I was proud of my profile. It was written in male-speak with no more than two lines per topic, titles, and concision. (I’m female.) And it painted a pretty accurate picture of myself down to my MBTI type. Met two guys from that site, both of whom are great guys. But I wasn’t attracted. (I like serious, logical guys who come across as arrogant but really aren’t.)

But tonight…

I accidentally texted the wrong person. Was trying to message my neighbor but the text went to a guy with the same name who was from this dating site. The guy got upset. Irrationally.

I knew from this guy’s profile that he used Evan Marc Katz’s method for online dating from the way his profile was written and the style of pictures. I also know this because of the timing this guy had in responding to my messages. It was textbook. But of course, I didn’t mention anything. It looks great and reads well, but I know this method. So, of course I was guarded.

Needless to say, I was totally turned off. Not only from this guy, but from online dating – again.

Anyway, I’ve been seeing someone I met at a birthday party, and things are going well, so checking out is no big loss. But as a writer and one having quite a few men hoping I will reciprocate interest, I decided to share exactly what was on my mind on my profile.

The following is what I wrote on it:

Not hanging out here much longer.

When you text someone, “Hope the [job] went well. Have a great week.” How should a person respond? Should she (he)? How would you respond? Well, someone who I never met face to face got upset because when that text arrived on my phone, the job was still going on. Didn’t know how to respond. By the time the job was over at 3:30 in the morning, do you think the first thing I wanted to do was respond? Nor did I remember to respond when I had to wake up to go to work in the morning.

Who hurt you?

In spite of whatever reason you can’t approach an attractive woman and start up a conversation, learn to do it. Just say, “Hi.” Because a virtual dating life is a joke.

Heal yourself.

Stop getting upset about trivial things and realize that people are guarded. There is too much hurt in the world, too much abuse. Men and women hurt each other because they are emotionally immature. And people are immature because they don’t heal themselves.

Nurture yourself.

Figure out how to break the patterns of your own resentment. Love exists. But the more you blame others for your own misery, the less likely you will find it. You have to love yourself before you are capable of loving someone else.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

Can you put your name in place of the “love”?

Good luck.

So, maybe I should have texted back “Thanks”. But the guy seemed off, like he had some insecurities that were sure to come out at unforeseen moments, so I was unsure about responding. Then I just forgot about him.

People mistakenly text the wrong person all the time. As one who had done so, albeit to someone with more issues than Occupy Wall Street, the reaction is undeserved.

Until someone comes up with a better online dating forum, I’m offline and getting outside. Or maybe the thing with the birthday party guy will work out.

The Social Network’s Irrational Man

Those of you who have read my writing before probably have read something about the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) and Jungian personality type theory. Seeing the movie The Social Network, I’m compelled once again.

We constantly hear about women and their emotions– how irrational they can be or how much women flip-flop. However, men can also be irrational.

A perfect example of a man with an emotional decision-making tendency is Eduardo Saverin’s character in The Social Network, portrayed by Andrew Garfield. In the beginning of the movie, Saverin is a close friend of Mark Zuckerberg. As co-founder of the fastest-growing online social network of the decade, Saverin has a mind for business. As a young college student, Saverin also has an emotional mind and makes a grave mistake. He gets upset, then rashly threatens the success of Zuckerberg’s creation.

Zuckerberg, played by Jesse Eisenberg, in contrast maintained his logical cool. (Let’s say logiccool.) Zuckerberg is a classic intuitive thinker. In spite of the opposition, Zuckerberg didn’t make rash decisions, but used logic to determine his next move.

Of course, the movie probably overly-dramatizes Saverin’s choices, but it does give an excellent example of what an emotional decision-making man might look like. Granted, Saverin is young when he nearly pulls the plug on Facebook. (We were all young, and we have all made rash decisions. Okay, maybe not all of us.) But if your heartstrings are attached enough– say, to something you’ve invested in– your decision-making tendency will be illuminated.

A study published in 2008 indicated that 40% of American men are emotional decision-makers. These men, like women who are “emotional” tend to make decisions based on feelings before using logic. So, why does society acknowledge male logic more than male irrationality? Possible obvious answer: male dominance in business, marketing, politics, religion, and…uhhh, society? Whatever the real answer, we often fail to acknowledge that many men make irrational decisions because of their emotions. Because of this, we tend to make assumptions and generalizations about the dynamics of relationships. Then, life goes in an unexpected manner; someone gets upset; and the drama perpetuates.

Of course, there are other factors involved when it comes to emotions, namely, hormones. When it comes to understanding what makes relationships work well, whether they be romantic or work-related, knowing personality differences can elucidate.

So, understand personality type theory. Stop the drama before it sucks energy from your soul. But how?

To get more logiccool, first you need to know your tendency. Are you the type of person to make decisions because of logical thought or do you act because you want revenge, feel hurt or angry, or are in love? It takes more than one question to really determine your tendency. Be assured, 99% of people lean one way or the other.

If your tendency is to go by emotions more often than logic, be aware of the tendency, and stop yourself before making decisions. Take extra time to think before acting. Pretty simple, eh? Well, in the heat of a moment, it might not be so easy. Though the more opportunities to practice taking time, the more likely you will attain that logiccool.

Wing Girl Kim is the author of the AlphaDog book.

Issues? What issues?

When we’re single, we want a relationship. When we’re in a relationship–an incompatible one, that is–we want to be single. Never satisfied, it’s easy to miss what’s really wrong in the picture.

I’m what the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator would refer to as “Perceiving.” Basically, that means that I’m comfortable in a state of indecision. To those who are opposite of Perceiving, or “Judging” (not the same as judgemental) it’s important to know what their weekly schedule looks like. But I like to keep it open and have options.

Even in a relationship with a boyfriend, I was never comfortable with the idea that he was “the one.” Get married? I’d rather wait and see. Any excuse I could find to get out of a relationship and find a new one was acceptable in my eyes. But then I turned 37. My boyfriend of 4 years and I broke up the year before. (My longest relationship to date.) At this age I started to think about whether or not I really wanted to bear a child. I decided I did and thought about settling down.

Fast forward to May 2010. I turn 39 in two months, and my boyfriend– who I found on a dating website– and I have been together over a year. Until a month ago, I was still in that state of indecision about marriage. Except this boyfriend is different from the other ones. He’s compatible with me. But why haven’t I felt in love with him? It’s that gnawing question that plagues many of us, that make us wonder if we can be more than friends, or whatever.

I got the answer to that question a month ago. It was something that I had been ignoring for years.

I had been in love once before. And I was in a relationship with him, Bill, in 2003. But I broke up with him because I wanted to pursue a career in entertainment and thought our relationship was getting in the way. But really it was my lack of independence that was in the way. About 4 months after leaving him, he was in a car accident and died.

Bill and I were still in touch the day of his accident. In fact, I ran into him the same day. He invited me to see a play. Inside I wanted to go, because I was still in love with him, but instead declined. Years later, while in this new relationship, I still hadn’t let go of my lost love and wasn’t allowing my heart to open up. I squashed my feelings with busyness and avoided intimacy out of fear for losing another loved one to death.

It’s very easy to go into denial about our problems. But being in denial doesn’t help anyone. Whether we’re in a relationship, dating casually, or playing around, every person we get close to can be affected by our issues.

My issue with my present boyfriend became a non-issue after I decided to let go of Bill’s spirit and move on. I had been feeling guilty for breaking up with the only man I ever felt like I could die for (besides my dad). And my reason for breaking up was my own problem. Another issue.

There are other details that affected my story that would take a book to write about. But rather than go there, it should suffice to say there were many other personal issues that needed attention and healing.

Since Bill died, I’ve learned to be independent. My present boyfriend, Jason, is also an independent person. It’s amazing when two independent people get together and are compatible. They become two interdependent people, and the chemistry is awesome. But the only way I could be here in this (amazingly) healthy relationship is to have dealt with those issues without dragging my significant others into the depressing depths of their roots. Of course, the guys were aware I was working through emotional trials, but they were not victims to them.

Got issues? Face up.

Get responses online

Meeting people online has its issues, but they are not impossible to deal with. You need tactics, as if you were an online pickup artist.

I met my boyfriend, Jason, on plentyoffish.com. I swore to myself it would be the last dating site I would ever join. Since I was still working on my book, and writing about personality types based on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), I decided to test myself. I wanted to see if I could find my perfect personality match through a person’s online profile.

Of course, I had to know about personality matching. I had read Dr. Alex Avila’s LoveTypes book. I learned my type, ENTP, aka “The Innovator,” is romantically compatible with ENTJ, aka “The General.”

It’s difficult to order a book, read it, and put it into practice in a matter of a few days. So, I’ll try to give a bared down tip…

  • Think about 3 things about your mind/life that are distinct to you compared to other people you know. For example, for me: 1. I dislike set schedules; 2. I love to be silly; 3. I’m very analytical and have to think to know my feelings.
  • Next, go to the dating site, and as you peruse people’s profiles, look for things that jump out at you that you think or know would work with you. For example, I know for myself it has always helped me to have someone in my life who was better at living by a schedule than me; so, in that sense I look for my opposite. Plus, since I’m analytical, smart people interest me. Funny, ’cause the initial impression of Jason’s photo was, “This guy is arrogant!” Sure enough, he’s arrogant because he’s smart–and I like him that way.
  • When you find something distinct about the person you can relate to, write a message that caters to that distinction without getting too personal. For me, I realized that Jason likes to debate. So, in my first message, I challenged him on his profile’s headline.

    Note: The more attention you pay to details, the more a person senses genuineness. For example, if a girl writes something like, “I love to go out for good food…” Don’t just write, “What kind of food?” Dig deeper. Assume “good food” is the difference between dining on the Baja peninsula and Taco Bell. Instead you could say something like, “Have you been to the Bistro on Main Street?” or whatever; you get the point, I hope.

In the meantime, check out Avila’s LoveTypes book. For a generalization on what that’s about, you can also read Parts IV and V in my AlphaDog book, also available on Kindle.

Good luck!

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This post was inspired by @YouWishYouWere on Twitter.

Your Personality, Online

Words. They seem benign when they stand alone, one at a time. But put them together just so and you can move minds, instigate revolutions, challenge, console, influence, cajole, cause heartache or laughter, emote and organize.

The power of words is easy to forget when we feel lonely and worn out, lacking inspiration to present our selves to a vast pond of eligible fish. But with some basic understanding of how we utilize certain thought functions, its possible to show who we are in a few sentences.

According to Carl Jung, we use our thoughts for two basic functions: perceiving information and making decisions. In perceiving information, we can be objective or subjective (Extraverted or Introverted). We can also be detail-oriented or holistic (Sensory or Intuitive). In making decisions we use either logic or emotions (Thinking or Feeling).

Whether we are perceiving information or making decisions, every person has a genetic preference over one way or the other. Though we are all capable of behaving Extraverted or Introverted, we each have a natural inclination to do one or the other. These natural inclinations are what defines us according to personality types. Isabel Briggs-Myers, following the work of her mother, Katharine Briggs, developed the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator), an assessment tool to help people understand their own thinking preferences, or inclinations. The MBTI uses a fourth dichotomy which determines how a person handles his/her outer world (Judging-Perceiving); Judging types tend to be more comfortable after a decision is made and live a more structured lifestyle, while Perceiving types like to keep their options open and be more spontaneous.

Our preferences are just that: what we prefer. I might allow feelings to influence a final decision, but I prefer to be logical and feel more settled when using logic. I might look organized and know where everything is, but every day my schedule changes like the wind.

These tendencies don’t change as our lives change. Again, we can all think each way and become better at using the extremes of each function; but our inclinations to think one way over another are hard-wired into our psyche. These inclinations influence what we want to do with our lives.

When we are aware of our own patterns of behavior and how they connect to our thinking preferences, we are better able to understand why we have our particular strengths and weaknesses. We can also understand why we differ from other people, or why some people are interesting to us and why others are not.

So, to be an “interesting” person to some readers of your online profile, you want it to show who? A bored person with nothing better to do? Of course not. You want to show what makes you different from the next Joe or Jane. You also want to attract the kind of person you would want to be with.

To begin with, know what you prefer. Do you prefer quiet evenings at home? Or do you like being around a lot of people and take in the crowd’s energy? Who you are by yourself is the person you will be when you get seriously involved in a relationship and get comfortable with your partner, so you might as well be upfront and honest from the beginning. So, if you’re extremely Introverted, you wouldn’t want a relationship with an extreme Extravert to get difficult. (But I bet one date could be a blast.)

What do you like to talk about? Do you enjoy going into detail when you tell stories? Or do you think details get trivial and prefer to paint a general picture? Most people like details, so that’s something you can show in your profile. Go ahead and tell a story next to your profile picture. A story could tell your most embarrassing moment, an exciting trip you took, your first day at school, a dramatic event– for example. Or you could just list a bunch of your interests. But if you’re not big on details, find words to reveal your big-picture thinking. (I happen to be a big-picture thinker and wrote on a profile “little patience for small talk”. It’s arrogant, but hey, I’m arrogant and not afraid to admit it.)

Are you sensitive? Warm? A good listener to your friends? Or do you come across relatively cold, caring more about logic and facts? Even if you’re male, there’s a chance you are really a Feeling decision-maker. About 40% of American men have this decision-making preference. And for females, about 40% of American women are logical decision-makers. So, don’t be surprised when stereotypes are busted.

Your occupation provides clues about the way you deal with your outer world. Most people like spontaneity, but a “spontaneous” personality type, or the Perceiving type, would be someone who doesn’t mind living with the unknown, such as an inconsistent paycheck, or an inconsistent schedule. People who wait tables and rely on tips are often Perceiving types. A Judging personality (not the same as judgmental) prefers to know ahead of time when they need to show up at the office every day. There is comfort in its consistency. Though a Judging type might enjoy spontaneity, at the same time, there is a preference for stability, such as a secure career like law, IT, or accounting, for example.

When you write your online profile, consider your own preferences and how your words might reveal a glimpse of your complexity. (Compared to other animals, you are complex.) Remember that some things won’t set you apart from other people. Everyone hopes that you have an occupation, that you present yourself decently in public, and have a good sense of humor. And most people like spontaneity, passion, and confidence. Your words should paint an image people can see. Avoid being generic and boring by using descriptive words. For example, instead of, “I have a 9 to 5 job that I’m not crazy about,” say something like, “I get up in the morning to go to a finance job, but I’d rather bang on my drums all day.” (That would be a Perceiving type in a Judging environment.)

When you read other profiles, pay attention to keywords and phraseology. Do the words describe concrete things or are they more abstract, or intangible? For example, “I like beaches, amusement parks and horses,” versus “Being near the beach is important to me.” How words are used can show if a person is Sensory or Intuitive. Do words express feelings or logic? They reveal the decision-making aspect, but they don’t necessarily mean a person is gushy or icy. A sensitive person might also be pragmatic and a logical thinker could have tons of compassion.

Humor is part of personality, and everyone hopes you have it. So, don’t just say, “I have a good sense of humor.” Tell a joke to show you not only have a sense of humor, but also what kind of humor you have. Or incorporate humor into a fact. Instead of, “I work 9 to 5,” say something like, “My job threatens to give me paper cuts, but I like my cubicle neighbors.” If you get good at reading people’s personalities through what they write, even the kind of humor shown can clue you into their types.

Style is icing on our personalities that you can show through your interests. It’s easy to incorporate your style when you want to show a likable trait. For example, instead of, “I like to have fun,” say something like, “I like head-bopping at rock concerts.” If you’re not sure what your style is, sharing the things that get you excited will reveal a bit of your style. There’s nothing like music to reveal your style. Even if you like all kinds of music, try to narrow down to specifics. Maybe you close your eyes and sway to classical. Or try to remember how a specific song moved you.

In the ocean of single people and their profiles, there is a way to search for those who are probably more compatible with you. And you can set yourself apart among different schools. I suggest starting off with knowing your hard-wired thinking preferences.

There is an online dating site, which is an excellent resource for knowing and understanding your MBTI personality type (your hard-wired thought preferences). It’s Dr. Alex Avila’s LoveTypes.com. Dr. Avila, a clinical psychologist, has developed the LoveTypes® system to enable you to make your search for a compatible partner easier. On the site, you can order a copy of his book, which I read and recommend. I personally used his system to find my boyfriend who, I should add, I believe is my soul mate. (More on that in another blog.)

Once you have a working knowledge of your personality type (particularly the MBTI type), you might find that describing yourself will be easier. What you want in a romantic relationship will also become more clear, and perusing online profiles might become more fun and adventurous. Add personal style to your personality description and you can have a stunning portrait in words.