Tag Archives: valentines day

When a Matchmaker is a Good Idea

There’s nothing like Valentine’s Day to remind us of how alone we single people are. But after experiencing failed relationships, better to be alone than bear with more heartbreak, right? The eternal optimist such as myself might prefer the risk anyway.

Rather than delve quickly and deeply into a new relationship, I’ve decided to take things slow. Well, not really. What I mean is, I’m not dating for the sake of dating anymore.

At the age of 39 with a growing business, I don’t have much time to date. My book is selling and people are responding positively to my “pick-up” methods. I mean, people like what I’m teaching. They’re not really pickup strategies. They’re really ways to discern personality attributes when meeting strangers, acquaintances, and potential dates. Do I use them in seeking a partner? Of course! But I still want help, because I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. (And I really don’t ask for much…I don’t think.)

After two marriage proposals, a few engagements, and other relationships I don’t regret, I’ve finally decided it’s time to settle down. I’ve heard that finding a spouse within a year can be done with plenty of proactivity. Unfortunately, I’m lacking the time needed to utilize these tested spouse-finding strategies. So, I decided to inquire matchmakers.

A lot of matchmakers have teams of people looking for the characteristics their clients are looking for. It’s like exponentially increasing the odds of finding the one. My requirements are pretty simple: a natural leader with a spiritual side. The question I had to ask is who would understand what I’m looking for. Finding the right matchmaker to work with can be challenging.

In the process of researching the various backgrounds and practices of matchmakers, I found that a lot of them offer a lot of socializing opportunities in addition to counseling, date coaching, and introductions. But one matchmaker in particular stood out – Janis Spindel.

Unlike Patti Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker – who works with a range of characters and sometimes uses her clients for entertainment value – Janis focuses seriously on finding men their soul mates. Her clients are men who are ready to get married and who she’s comfortable working with. On top of that, Janis is married to her husband of about 30 years and has two grown daughters – one of whom, Carly, has her own dating agenda.

Choosing to work with clients Janis likes earns my respect, because that means she wants her work to be quality. How can you not respect that? Besides, why would anyone want to work with someone whose lifestyle and character is different from his or her own? Wouldn’t you trust someone within your own circle of friends more than someone in an unknown network? I certainly wouldn’t want a matchmaker to set me up if she or he didn’t get me.

Since I couldn’t hire Janis myself (since she only works with men as her clients, not to mention being beyond my means), I decided to share our conversation with the world.

Click on the image to watch the video of our talk and see for yourself what a real matchmaker does.

Click to watch the interview with Janis Spindel

Short on time? Click here for 2 minutes of highlights.

Valentine’s Day. I actually don’t feel sad at all. Besides, it’s $10 burger and beer night at the Water Street Bar and Grill in Brooklyn. Maybe I’ll get a chance meeting with my soul mate…probably not. Hey, you never know.

Re-boot Your Love Life

There was a time when Valentine’s Day was about celebrating fertility and procreation. Sex, basically. Now? It’s about marketing and giving people an excuse for public displays of affection.

Don’t get me wrong. Love should be celebrated. But it should be celebrated daily whether or not we’re in romantic relationships. For those who are not involved with a significant other, we can use Valentine’s Day as a time marker, since it’s pretty common for people to think about the previous Valentine’s Day.

It’s okay to admit we want companionship. At the same time, we need to find peace with the place where we are. Attitude makes a huge difference not only for our own introspection, but also toward those with whom we interact. We need to make sure we take care of ourselves first so that we can be our best for others. That said, here’s a re-post from TheRugged.com.

Hope For The Future: Making a Plan

The beginning of a new year–needless to say–is a great opportunity to join the masses in defining resolutions and starting over, especially for those of us going through break-ups, loneliness or other sad situations. Life as such can be a daily struggle, but there is a way to deal.

Even the most logical thinkers can have difficulty in finding motivation to press forward when their personal relationships are busted. If you find yourself struggling to be positive, there is no better time than now to have a plan and be proactive about it.

Have a plan

Sadness sucks. It can cause us to think irrationally and do stupid things that we later regret. If it’s really bad, sadness can demotivate or lead to detrimental decisions. This is when having a plan can help.

Like a business plan, which can help a company stay focused on its purpose, a personal plan should be a guide. (Especially during rough moments when making a decision is more challenging.) Here’s what you should plan:

  1. Make time for yourself. Nurture your mind. This is especially important if you come from a dysfunctional family. (You know, having parents, guardians or siblings who either neglected you or physically, verbally, or plain emotionally, beat you down.) Get out of the house and do something you enjoy like attend a live event, get a massage, take a long jog or bike ride. Engage in activities you would do at other times of the year. This time for your mind needs to be distinct, however, from time for your libido. In other words, avoid strip clubs and sex during this time.Why avoid sex? The frontal lobes of our brains are responsible for our ability to reason and for personality, and our temporal lobes account for memories. When we’re sad, the chemicals in the limbic system, located in the middle of our brains, can interfere with the way our brains process thoughts. Likewise, your libido is activated through the limbic system. Though pleasure is nice, it will only distract you from taking care of your mind, a.k.a. your self. So, set aside time to “clear” your head and replenish serotonin levels (the happy brain chemical) so that you can think. If you have sad memories that keep surfacing, then it might be time to confront them. After a funeral, people go through times of grief. This is necessary in order to provide an outlet for sad feelings. If you have sad memories, then grieve. Let it out. Otherwise, they will remain sad memories that get pushed aside by distractions. Then the sadness comes out in other, twisted ways like getting overly reactive about a girl. People let out emotions in different ways, either alone or with a friend, family, or therapist. Whatever way you deal with feelings, aside from avoiding them, do it.
  2. Make time for people. Anyone who spends too much time by himself gets weird. You know what I’m talking about. We are social animals. Our mental and emotional health depends on our relationships with other people. There are different ways of spending time with others. Obviously, there are friends and family, but there’s also being around strangers and meeting new people. Again, get out of the house. Get off the computer, get some fresh air, and go where there are people. It might be a park, a party, a group of people meeting for a common purpose (aka church), a volunteer opportunity, a bar, a neighbor’s house, or a date. Attend events where you can meet and talk to people. Or don’t talk to people if you really don’t want to. Just get out.

The purpose of having a personal plan is to take care of your needs outside of sex. Sex is often a distractor that keeps us from dealing with what we really need to confront. Anyway, once your mind is able to think more rationally, sex is often better. If you’re single, try having a date without making sex a goal. Really. Just see what happens. You might discover something you haven’t noticed before.

Be proactive

What does it mean to be proactive? If you have a plan to spend time by yourself and spend time with other people, you are halfway through proactivity. Now follow through. The time you spend taking care of your mind is valuable and necessary. Without it, life is more awkward. When we don’t spend time to clear our heads, we allow insecurity to make us pawns of irrational behavior.

Once you become more resolved about life, stay proactive. Don’t give up getting out and being around people, and don’t numb your feelings by avoiding them. Acknowledge your feelings, get in touch with them, and decide to nurture yourself in spite of them. (More on this another time.)

If you’re sad because of your romantic life, then become proactive. Do something about it! Maybe you barely make any effort toward romance, e.g., only take a girl out on a date once every few months, or never. Make a plan to meet one new person every week or ask a girl out every week or something like that. If you’re shy, use the Internet. Who cares if a girl might be lying. Just meet her and find something out about her. Don’t have any expectations except that you’re getting to know someone new. You might get something out of the experience that you couldn’t imagine. Just do it.