Tag Archives: women

Advice, Dating Theories, Reflections

How Much Is Too Much?

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I met Sheila a couple of weeks ago, and I have to admit, I am rather taken by her. She’s funny, fun to be around, smart, and attractive. What’s more, she’s new to town, ready and willing to try new things and go to places she’s not been before.

At this point, I can’t tell whether she sees me as just a friendly tour guide, or something more. I’m pretty cool about things, and either way, I’m happy, but I really want to know at some point. I figure pretty soon I might make some subtle advances and see if they’re returned, and that’s where the debate comes in. . .

My best female, friend, Brenda advises against this. Her philosophy seems to be to play the aloof card. In fact, with Sheila’s out of town on business and her birthday mere days away, I thought it might be nice to call and sing happy birthday on her answering machine. Is it a little goofy? Yes, but that’s me; that’s who I am. She seems to like me so far . . . right?

Brenda’s response, “NOOOOOOOOOOOO, you can’t do that!!! You’ll immediately place yourself in the friend category . . . Bad idea!!!”

“Well maybe I should just call, then?”, dejected by the strong admonition.

“No don’t call her, “ she nodded, convinced that this, too, was a bad idea.

“What? Am I just supposed to ignore her birthday?”, I replied, shocked at the advice I was hearing.  Brenda didn’t really have an answer for that . . .

I mean, I like this woman. Are we in 4th grade again? What am I supposed to do? Pull her hair? Call her names? I thought we were past all of this stuff as adults, and while I understand that panting like a loyal dog is not a way to win her heart, ignoring her doesn’t seem like a good thing either.

I’m a “do what I say I’m gonna do” kind of guy. If I tell you I will call. I will call. I don’t wait until the last second. If I want to take you out, I won’t wait past Wednesday to set something up. I just don’t see any point in pretending like I don’t care, if I do.

I realize, this philosophy can be taken too far, and may make some women uncomfortable. I know where that point is. I’m not gushing over her. I make eye contact, and get good eye contact in return. I keep plans light, and flexible, but I’m consistently available when I say I will be. If she wants to make plans, and I’m busy, I offer up another time or an alternate plan that works better with my schedule.

At the end of the day however, my heart is on my sleeve, and I believe I’m being told, that’s not a good thing. I think need to get some more clarity on where the line is.

Which brings me to my dilemma, ladies – especially the single ladies: How much aloof, is too much aloof? Do you ever get to a point where you cut him off because he’s too aloof? On the other hand, how much is too much? What are the rules, or are there any rules?

Your input is valuable . . .

 

Incidentally, I texted Sheila on her birthday . . . at the risk of losing my anonymity, it read like this . . .

“May your day be filled with fun.

May your belly be filled with laughs.

And may your mouth be filled with cake.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

I hope you’re doing something fun!!!”

 

Was it too much?

Advice, Dating Dictionary

What is Love? Part 2

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What exactly is love?

“Why can’t we just sniff each other like dogs and mate?”

“Why do women make this love thing so complicated?”

For one, the hunt wouldn’t be as interesting if it was too easy, truly. Being human takes work. To deal with the complex matrix that makes the human brain and find lasting love, we can take the word of any religion that tells us exactly what to do. Not.

You could figure it out by trial and error. How exhausting.

Really, you want to be smart about this whole love thing, right? Throughout history, romantic love has played major roles. Antony and Cleopatra, John and Abigail Adams, Bonnie and Clyde, Lucy and Desi, John and Yoko, and some of our parents. Repeat: some.

Making éros happen for the long haul takes 3 things:

  1. attraction
  2. readiness
  3. compatibility

Attraction

This is easy. All you need is a pair eyes. (If you don’t have eyes, sorry.) If every woman in the world took care of herself inside and out, the streets would be an ocean of eye candy. Since not every woman takes care of herself, the number of attractive women is limited. Still, there are plenty of women to light up your love rod. (Of course there’s the not-so-hot woman with personality who you might find is pretty “alright” after getting to know her. But that’s not the point right now.)

You want that attraction to last, of course. Looks don’t last forever, so it also takes associating those initial sparks with the intimacy that develops as a result of bonding. More on that later.

Readiness

Now, if you scoffed at the title of this article, you’re might not be ready to embrace this thing called love. Though you’ve probably been through enough trial and error to realize that it must exist. As tragic as true love ending in death, being ready means being willing to risk impending loss just to enjoy reknowned relationship bliss for even a brief moment on Earth.

Sometimes it takes life changes to realize readiness, such as the birth of a child, or witnessing the least commitment-minded person you know falling in love. Sometimes it takes pressure from family or friends. Sometimes we just grow up. A few are ready long before the rest of us because that’s how they were born.

Being ready for love takes having EQ. That is, emotional intelligence. If you didn’t know, EQ is like IQ, but it regards how one handles his or her emotions. A person with high EQ has the ability to empathize with others and handles heated situations with calm, for example. Not everyone who commits to a relationship has high EQ. But for true love to happen, it’s definitely helpful. True love could happen without high EQ, though that would be an emotional rollercoaster.

Readiness without drama certainly requires at least some emotional intelligence. Even better if it grows. EQ growth happens when working through emotions or painful memories and becoming resolved about them. It might take therapy, serious talks with someone you trust, or plenty of man-cave time.

Compatibility

If readiness isn’t challenging enough, there’s compatibility.

The problem with compatibility is that it’s easy to be deceived into thinking you get along with a woman just because you shared one amazing night or week together. More often than not, real compatibility lacks. It takes life experience, use of logic, or friends showing us how blind we are to see when compatibility is missing.

Sometimes similarities mask incompatibility. Just because you moved to the same neighborhood, worked in the same industry, and like the same music doesn’t make you and the girl you like compatible. The test of compatibility happens among day-to-day redundancies, such as dealing with how bills are paid, or how the house is kept.

Of course, you can’t know if you and a woman are compatible in daily life without becoming roommates. If that situation is out of the question, having friends who know you really well can help. You know, friends with that sixth sense.

Compatibility is unfortunately the one thing that couples absolutely need for true love but far too often miss. How can we be more astute in having compatibility in a relationship? That will be the topic in the next article in this series on love.

Advice, Online Dating, Shared Experiences

Get responses online

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Meeting people online has its issues, but they are not impossible to deal with. You need tactics, as if you were an online pickup artist.

I met my boyfriend, Jason, on plentyoffish.com. I swore to myself it would be the last dating site I would ever join. Since I was still working on my book, and writing about personality types based on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), I decided to test myself. I wanted to see if I could find my perfect personality match through a person’s online profile.

Of course, I had to know about personality matching. I had read Dr. Alex Avila’s LoveTypes book. I learned my type, ENTP, aka “The Innovator,” is romantically compatible with ENTJ, aka “The General.”

It’s difficult to order a book, read it, and put it into practice in a matter of a few days. So, I’ll try to give a bared down tip…

  • Think about 3 things about your mind/life that are distinct to you compared to other people you know. For example, for me: 1. I dislike set schedules; 2. I love to be silly; 3. I’m very analytical and have to think to know my feelings.
  • Next, go to the dating site, and as you peruse people’s profiles, look for things that jump out at you that you think or know would work with you. For example, I know for myself it has always helped me to have someone in my life who was better at living by a schedule than me; so, in that sense I look for my opposite. Plus, since I’m analytical, smart people interest me. Funny, ’cause the initial impression of Jason’s photo was, “This guy is arrogant!” Sure enough, he’s arrogant because he’s smart–and I like him that way.
  • When you find something distinct about the person you can relate to, write a message that caters to that distinction without getting too personal. For me, I realized that Jason likes to debate. So, in my first message, I challenged him on his profile’s headline.

    Note: The more attention you pay to details, the more a person senses genuineness. For example, if a girl writes something like, “I love to go out for good food…” Don’t just write, “What kind of food?” Dig deeper. Assume “good food” is the difference between dining on the Baja peninsula and Taco Bell. Instead you could say something like, “Have you been to the Bistro on Main Street?” or whatever; you get the point, I hope.

In the meantime, check out Avila’s LoveTypes book. For a generalization on what that’s about, you can also read Parts IV and V in my AlphaDog book, also available on Kindle.

Good luck!

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This post was inspired by @YouWishYouWere on Twitter.

Advice

Where to find a good wingwoman

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Finding a wingwoman who will help you meet attractive women is like finding a model with enough intelligence to, say, host a T.V. show. Well, Anna Nicole Smith (R.I.P.) hosted her own show, sort of. It’s difficult and easy depending on a lot of factors. The good thing is that you can find someone to be your wing just about anywhere. No matter where you seek, here are some criteria of a good wingwoman:

1. She must be extroverted. If you’ve read my book, you know there’s a difference between having an Extroverted personality type and being outgoing. A good wingwoman might not have an Extroverted personality type, which means she naturally prefers being around people to doing things at home. But if she’s an outgoing Introverted type, she might lose steam as midnight approaches. In that case, some incentives, say, a few Jacksons, might motivate her enough to hang tight with you for that girl you want to meet.

Natural Extroverted personality types get energy from being around people. An incentive like some free food is enough to convince her to hang out with you.

2. She must have social grace. To find this out quickly, talk about a sensitive topic with her, like how women deal with PMS. A seriously defensive girl might be difficult to work with, but a girl who makes light of a “sensitive” subject will be fun. (I don’t think PMS is that sensitive myself, but a lot of women feel strongly about it. Abortion is another topic to test sensitivity.) A girl who makes light of things shouldn’t take winging too seriously, and will be able to make the male-female connection possible with her sense of humor.

3. She must have the ability to charm AND understand guys. A woman who charms a man doesn’t necessarily get along with other women. But a woman who understands what makes a man tick will know how to get on women’s good side. Women want to know about men as much as men want to know about women. So, a wingwoman who can talk frankly about men to other women will win a woman’s approval.

The danger in getting a woman who doesn’t understand why sports are so engaging, for example, will get caught up in girl talk. But a woman who can reason with another woman why a man should be given a chance–she’s platinum.

A good wingwoman doesn’t have to be as attractive as the woman you want to meet. In fact, it might be easier to meet her, since the target woman won’t feel as threatened by her as with a beautiful wing. Though, if your wing is really good with charm, she can do anything, even if she’s drop-dead gorgeous. Likewise, if a woman is plain-looking, she might have the charm that can tame lions.

If you want someone really good, paying a wingwoman with experience something like, say, $30 bucks an hour to start (if you’re in NYC) is reasonable. (I would think San Fran is similar due to rent prices there. LA could probably go to $25.)

Of course, there are other things to consider when seeking a good wingwoman. It really depends on what you’re comfortable with. If you’re a dive bar rat with no charm yourself, and you’re seeking swanky women, even an expert wing can’t help you hook up. A good wingwoman will tell you like it is. If you need to practice speaking naturally around women, there is little a wing can do to help you get where you want to go. She can help you get practice being around women, but don’t expect miracles. But if you’re confident enough, a wingwoman with the above criteria can make your evening a blast.

Thanks to Peter of Gotham Jiujitsu for inspiring this article.

Rants

Cat Woman

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So, at one time, Cat Woman was a cool, sexy villainess who was always outsmarting Batman. Maybe she was a bad pussy cat from time to time, but you have to agree that she was hot and someone you would want to know more about.

But, sometime between then and now, having anything to do with a cat has become the curse of death for a woman’s dating life. Yes, my friends, Ms. Window Shopper has a cat.

Yeah, yeah, I hear what you are saying, “Well, now I understand why you are single. You have a cat!”

That’s what doesn’t make sense to me.

Yes, I agree that there is a stigma of the crazy cat lady who potters around alone in her big house with 12 cats and never interacts with the outside world. She’s boring, she’s obsessed with her cats, and she doesn’t know how to be social.

But, there is a big difference between having one cat in an apartment in the middle of the city and the crazy cat lady. Nevertheless, the stigma endures and men seem to go running when they find out I have a cat.

Case in point, I was out with Ms Potted Plant and her then love interest, Mr. Geek the fourth. Mr Geek the fourth brought along one of his friends. We will call him Mr. Cat-hater. When Ms Potted Plant informed Mr. Cat-hater that I owned a cat, the flood gates opened. Mr. Cat-hater spent the next 40 minutes insulting women who owned cats. He threw out the statistic that if there were 10 women he could date and only 1 had a cat, he’d date all other 9 – no matter how attractive the cat owner was – before even considering dating the woman with the cat. He probably would never date the woman with the cat even if she was the last woman on earth (yes, I asked him this). And no, he wasn’t allergic….

Note, Mr. Cat-hater had never met me before, and I did not indicate that I was interested him in the least. I just wanted to have a fun evening out at the bars and be left alone. But he continued bringing up the subject – bar after bar after bar – until I just had to leave….

And so I ask, what is this fear of a woman with a cat? I would argue that owning a cat might indicate some positive connotations about a woman…

  1. She is responsible. You have to keep another being alive, so you have to be relatively responsible, right? Bodes well if you are looking for the future mother of your children …but even if you aren’t, it probably means that she isn’t a total flake.
  2. She is caring. Most women who get cats do so because they want some sort of companionship. And so, they have the capacity to care for something besides themselves. Probably the same story for a woman who has a dog – and yet, they don’t have the same stigma, do they?
  3. She has a more flexible schedule. Definitely it is more flexible than a woman with a dog… In fact, I think many women choose to get a cat as a pet, because it allows them to keep their active social schedule while having a pet.

And I would argue that it is pretty clear as soon as you meet me that I am a far cry from the crazy cat lady. I have only one cat. I have a good group of friends here and in other parts of the country. I am out most nights on the weekend with friends and many during the week. I often travel to visit friends and to see interesting things. I have regular volunteer activities as well as many outdoor interests including hiking, running, rock climbing, snowboarding, etc.

But, my point is not to necessarily convince you about myself, but to argue for all those other great women out there who might have a cat, but who are great catches. Don’t dismiss them.

I say we bring back Cat Woman as the cool (even if a little mis-guided at times), interesting woman. She’s hot, she’s sexy, and she’s smart– what more could you want?

Until our next date,

Ms. WS